There is nothing worse than a man suddenly pulling away from you, right after getting close.
It is the most confusing and illogical thing one can do…
This constant game of my partner getting close, pulling away, getting close again, pulling away again is something that I struggled with in my relationship A LOT.
My boyfriend Gabriel used to act in the sweetest of ways. He’d text me first thing in the morning, arrange for us to meet, planned dates, be appreciative and caring.
Only to suddenly start declining all my suggestions to meet up and I wouldn’t hear from him for days on end.
Or worse, he’d say things like “I don’t know where this relationship is going” or “I’m not sure I believe in life long commitment…”.
Whenever he pulled away from me I’d feel hurt and rejected.
What’s worse, his behaviour made me doubt myself. I started wondering: “Is this my fault? Have I done something wrong?”
Years later I finally managed to drag out the truth from him. Now I know exactly why he acted the way he did and what he was actually wanting me to do about it!
In this blogpost I will share with you all I’ve learned about this common problem nearly all women face.
I’ll go into details on why men pull away, how to deal with it and what to do to get them to stop doing it.
Biggest Reasons Why Guys Suddenly Pull Away After Getting Close
Everybody’s situation is different and unique. There are many factors that can contribute to this and trigger men to pull away from women they care about.
Sometimes their need for sudden distance can arise after a relationship fight.
It can also get set off by external factors such as family or job issues.
And in other cases it might happen seemingly for no reason at all…
Even though the exact circumstances vary from person to person, there are actually some very clear patterns in this puzzling behavior of men.
These are the three biggest underlying reasons that cause guys to pull away after getting close to you:
1. Men Pull Away Because They’re Afraid Of Being Hurt
When two people start going out with each other, they often don’t have full understanding or control over the way the relationship can develop and progress over time.
In our early stages Gabriel and I would have deep meaningful conversations and have so much fun together, it would instantly make us both feel closer and deeply connected to one another.
We didn’t plan for any of these things to happen. They just did, out of the blue…
Even though these kinds of experiences can feel SO GOOD in the moment. You’re suddenly feeling close, happy, in love…
…they can also feel extremely SCARY, especially in retrospect.
Unfortunately, letting someone in on a deeper level means that they can potentially hurt you on a deeper level too.
That’s why guys sometimes pull away from you when they start to really like you or when they’re falling in love with you.
They suddenly realize just how vulnerable they’re becoming and get TERRIFIED of the potential consequences.
So they quickly distance themselves from you to slow things down and minimize any potential damage.
2. Men Pull Away to Get You to Keep On Chasing Them
There is nothing more frustrating than wanting something you cannot have.
Yet at the same time, the fact that you can’t have that one particular thing or person, tends to make it/them so much more DESIRABLE.
The push and pull dynamic is the basis of any romantic movie or series.
Take Gossip Girl for example:
In season one Blair is initially rejecting Chuck. She eventually changes her mind, but by then he is the one rejecting her.
When he finally decides to commit, she changes her mind again and so on and so forth they go for 6 seasons…
Much like in this scene Blair wanted Chuck to fight for her and win her back, the same way when a guy suddenly pulls away from you, he wants you to chase after him.
It’s a power move.
It gives him the feeling he is the one controlling the situation. In his head pulling away from you is a way of ensuring that you’ll stay hooked and remain crazy about him.
3. Men Pull Away to Sabotage the Relationship
When things start going the right way in your life and you’re finally getting something you’ve been wanting for a long time, do you ever feel like ‘it’s just too good to be true’ and then proceed to sabotage it?
I know, this kind of behavior doesn’t make much sense. Yet it’s extremely common.
I did it. Gabriel did it. And you guys have also shared your own stories of sabotage.
Even though Gossip Girl might not be the best place to get healthy relationship advice from, it just so happens that this urge to reject good things in life is a phenomenon that was very well illustrated in the Chuck and Blair dynamic too.
There were countless times when either of them pulled away from the other just for the sake of sabotaging their relationship.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t just happen in TV dramas.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior can be very confusing and hurtful. It’s also something that is actually extremely common.
So, if your man starts suddenly pulling away from you when things are going well or starting to get serious, chances are he is battling some inner demons that are urging him to sabotage the special bond that you guys share.
Is It Normal For Guys to Pull Away?
Yes, it is perfectly normal for guys to pull away from women they care about. All men do it to a greater or lesser degree.
Even in the early stages of a relationship.
Men pull away and come back because they’re testing you and getting to know you.
They’re checking how you’ll react. Whether or not you’ll freak out about it. They want to see how invested you are and if you care about them as much as they care about you.
Unfortunately, this problem does not always disappear as the relationship progresses.
There are countless other factors that can trigger men to suddenly need to distance themselves from you.
A very common type of situation is: men pulling away when they’re stressed.
This could be due to trouble at work or other personal problems. It’s not uncommon for couples to even take breaks from each other when struggling with various external issues.
Either way, in most cases this is not something you need to worry about too much.
Even though unpleasant, it’s a normal relationship problem most couples have to simply learn to deal with.
A little side note here:
If despite all this reassurance, you still feel uneasy about your man suddenly pulling away from you, maybe there is something more sinister that’s going on…
Even though this is such a common problem, this issue tends to make women uneasy and often triggers them to act in ways that only make matters worse.
No need to worry though…
There are a couple of approaches that can help you avoid this typical pitifall and ensure that you can keep your cool and stay high value after he pulls away from you.
1. Don’t Panic
The first necessary step that will allow you to stay high-value in this tricky situation is to simply calm yourself down.
Him pulling away from you is nothing unusual. You don’t need to worry or even think about it too much.
It doesn’t mean anything about you or about your relationship.
It’s just something all men do.
2. Keep in Mind That This Is Not Your Fault
Whenever Gabriel suddenly started pulling away from me, one of my first thoughts was alway ‘is it because of something I did?’.
Unfortunately, us blaming ourselves for things that have nothing to do with us is a problem most people struggle with to some degree.
Firstly, this could be because more often than not, when a man pulls away from you he actually wants you to chase after him.
And when you don’t react the way he hoped you would, he might just decide to keep on waiting for you to change your mind…
In this scenario, you giving him space for a long time, might trigger you guys to get stuck in a situation where both sides are waiting for the other to reach out first.
He might not have the guts to straight up admit that this is where he is at or he may also want to keep on stringing you along just in case.
Either way, the only way for you to find out, is to check in and ask him yourself.
This way you’ll know for sure whether he cares or not and won’t be left waiting for something that might just never happen.
What to Do to Get Him to Stop Pulling Away
Getting a guy to come back after he pulled away from you is generally the easy part. In most cases he simply comes back on his own.
Unfortunately, him coming back doesn’t mean that he won’t suddenly distance himself from you again and again.
A lot of you guys have shared your stories on our blog and I also know this pattern from my own personal experience. Men who pull away from women they care about, generally keep on doing it.
It’s unsettling the first time it happens. Might be heartbreaking when it happens the second or the third time…
But when a guy keeps on pulling away and coming back, it will eventually wear you down. So much so, you might even start thinking that this relationship might already be over.
There is a way to put a stop to this pattern though.
Him pulling away from you, is a sign that the power dynamic in your relationship might be off.
He likely feels like he has got an upper hand, that he doesn’t need to worry about losing you, because he is just so sure that you’ll stick around and stay with him no matter what.
The trick to get him to stop distancing himself from you is for you to regain control in your relationship.
When you’re in a love-hate relationship, you’re gonna feel like everything is just right in one moment: you have warm fuzzy feelings and are tots in love with him…
And the next moment the clouds suddenly come rolling in and it’s hard not to hate everything about the guy.
And all of that within a day or even just an hour, leaving you confused, doubtful, and upset.
Does that sound about right?
If so, let’s dive into love-hate relationships and make some sense of them.
After all, having the repeated experience of loving someone one moment and hating them the next, isn’t easy on your nerves or heart.
And we can’t have that now, can we.
Is It Normal to Hate Your Partner?
First things first, how NORMAL is it to hate your partner?
It is not uncommon in relationships, especially if you find yourself hating him from time to time, rather than always.
Most couples we’ve worked with hate something or other about their partner.
Whether it’s a small issue, like the way he tells the exact same story at every social event.
But feeling hatred towards your partner is an indicator that something in your relationship isn’t quite right and could do with ADJUSTING.
More on that later, but first we need to explore a few more questions surrounding love-hate relationships.
Is a Love-Hate Relationship Healthy?
The short answer is, No, it’s not healthy.
But things aren’t always so simple, are they? Since love-hate relationships have -well, BOTH components.
So let’s separate the two for a moment:
1. Everything that is ‘Loving’ in your relationship is definitely healthy and good for yours and his heart, and will help nurture your special connection.
When you’re in the ‘love’ mode, you’re happy right?
2. By contrast, everything that is ‘Hating’ is going to push you both further apart and hurt your relationship. (especially if you’re directing your hatred at each other)
So instead of slapping a generic label on your love-hate relationship and calling it either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’…
We take what IS WORKING and say:
“Awesome! I’m sure when you’re feeling loving, the sparks that go flying between you two can be seen from miles away!”
And then in turn we try and understand where the hate is coming from.
In moments of feeling hateful towards Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) it was ALWAYS a sign that something WASN’T WORKING for me.
I was not getting something in my relationship that I really needed.
So when you’re feeling hateful towards him, think about what you’re NOT GETTING from him that you really need!
Can You Love Someone and Hate Them at the Same Time?
Of course you can.
Let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey as an example.
“I’m crazy in love with you, but I want to kinky-torture you in my play dungeon.”
Or take Edward from Twilight:
“Life without you is simply not possible. But I might just kill you.”
What I want to get across is: no relationship is free of some darker elements.
In a sense, EVERY relationship is a love-hate relationship.
So yes, you can love someone and hate them at the same time.
Because at some point or another everybody has moments of hating their partner. We’re only human after all.
But what’s important here, is your ‘Love-Hate RATIO’.
If you’re at 95% Love – 5% Hate, then consider yourself lucky.
But if you feel like you’re more at 50% Love – 50% Hate, then it makes sense you’re looking for answers and a way to increase the love and DECREASE the hate.
Things are certainly more challenging, when you feel MORE hatred than love.
But for now, take a moment to think about what your ‘Love-Hate Ratio’ is.
Is Hate a Sign of Love?
Hate is certainly a strong emotion.
But I would not say it’s a sign of love.
I know it’s a message that is circulated a lot.
That if you hate someone, surely it’s a sign that you deeply care about them?
But as mentioned, hate is a sign that something isn’t working for you in your relationship. And if that sign is ignored for too long, the feelings pile up and can result in some toxic relationship habits.
What Causes a Love-Hate Relationship?
So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?
Alright, let’s do this.
A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.
…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.
But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.
You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris‘)
It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.
And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:
None of us have gone through life unscarred.
Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.
When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.
And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.
Hate is is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.
How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship
In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.
It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.
But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.
Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗
We saw how many couples struggled with their own love-hate dynamic, and it’s the reason we create our Rebuild Your Relationship course for women.
In it we cover our journey, through our love-hate challenges, and how you too, can overcome your own.
We explain where these hateful feelings come from and give you the mindset and exact steps you need to defuse the hate and finally turn your relationship into the loving, connected and stable one you deserve.
Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I would know.
Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.
The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.
From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.
And I managed to do it, three times.
It’s now been over 7 years since our last breakup and we’ve been happily together ever since.
Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.
There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.
But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.
In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make my ex want me back so that you too can get your man to miss you and chase you again.
1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again
Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.
When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I started wondering about things like:
‘Was it my fault?!’
‘Am I not good enough?!’
‘Did I do something wrong?’
The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting your ex to want to come back to you.
They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.
That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.
There are many ways to go about this.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.
The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.
Once you feel more like your old self, you can then proceed to step two:
2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation
Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.
The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.
While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.
Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.
When Gabriel broke up with me I was as desperate as it gets.
Desperate to get back together…
Desperate to feel like he loves me again…
Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…
Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions.
Luckily, I didn’t let that happen…
The biggest problem with acting desperate is that it will make your ex feel like he has got full control over you.
He won’t need to worry about losing you.
He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.
Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.
There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:
By taking charge of the situation.
Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead.
There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen yourself.
3. Realize That He Still Wants You
This is something that the old me would have really needed to hear back in the day when Gabriel and I were broken up…
“The thing about attraction in relationships is that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.”
The fact that your ex WAS into you, means that he most likely still IS into you.
That’s because, firstly, chemistry is not really something we have control over. It’s either there between two people, or it’s not.
Secondly, people get ATTACHED to their partners.
They do, no matter whether they deny it or not. It’s just human nature to get attached to other people…
Gabriel was the kind of guy to really play down his feelings and attachment towards me.
He pretended that the breakups didn’t affect him much.
And that he didn’t care whether we were together or not.
But you know what, it was just an ACT that was supposed to keep me hooked and make me endlessly chase after him.
This is something he actually now (not proudly) confirms.
So even if your ex is acting all cold and distant, don’t get fooled by that.
It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that he can stay in control of you and the relationship.
Everybody gets attached.
People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…
So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.
Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.
You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you gotta do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.
This brings me to the last step of your journey…
4. Remove the Barriers to Get Him to Chase You Again
In reality, getting your ex to want you back is much simpler than we’re lead to believe.
Chances are that in this very moment he is secretly pining after you and longing to feel close to you again.
But…
…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?
That’s a very good question.
Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting him to want you back.
You see, people always break up for a reason.
So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you. Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.
There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.
Some of them were purely his issues. Others, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).
The secret in making him want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him again (because he feels attracted to you already!).
It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing him from wanting to be together with you.
Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together but also to NEVER break up ever again!
If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that he wants you back, then you might find the Coaching Calls we offer helpful.
In a call we’ll get into how to approach him (What to say and do), to successfully attract and win him over again. We’ll also help you figure out what the barriers where for you and your ex and come up with a clear strategy on how to tackle those, so that they don’t get in the way of your love again.
In case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your man back permanently, you can also read our article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!
If you have any questions or would like some more specific advice, let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you!
So you were with a guy and unfortunately, things didn’t work out the way you hoped…
Hurtful things were said and done, one thing escalated into the other and one or both of you decided it was finally time to break up…
But days, months or even years passed and you feel that the connection you had with him was really intimate and special to you and that it’s not something you want to give up on just yet.
You’ve decided you want to get your ex back.
And that’s exactly what we’re going to help you do here.
I’m going to show you how you can finally get your ex back and do so in a way that guarantees he will stay so that you feel stable with him and NEVER have to fear losing him again!
And this approach is foolproof and will work via texting or in person and also whether you’ve been out of touch for months or if the breakup only happened yesterday.
Let’s dive in.
1. Scope Out Your Ex’s Situation and Feelings
When my girlfriend Karolina (who runs this blog with me today) and I first broke up, it was heartbreaking for both of us.
But I was -regretfully- the one who instigated it.
And I want to tell you right away, that men can be very tricky to handle when you want to get back together with them.
We can be extremely sensitive drama queens! -or should I say, drama kings?-
Your ex-boyfriend might be playing cool, distant and uncaring as to whether or not you get back together…
…but DON’T FALL for it!
Because men are only PRETENDING to have zero emotional stakes in the game when in reality they have as much skin in it as you do.
And they’re also easily frightened off!
So it’s important to take the right approach to avoid potentially screwing up your chances.
I hate to say it, but you may need to handle your ex with kid gloves at times and be very careful and tactful!
Like I said, drama kings.
This is why I don’t recommend diving right in and trying to get back together with him.
Ideally, you’ll first carefully scope out his situation:
Is he still clearly into you?
Does he let it show?
Do you know or suspect he’s dating other women?
Are there other things that might be getting in the way of getting him back?
Doing your crafty research first will ensure you get a full picture of what’s up on his end and how he feels about you.
And this will set you up in maximizing your chances of getting your ex back!
2. Get His Side So That He Craves You Again
There was obviously a reason for the two of you to have initially broken up.
Whether it was due to constant fights and hurt, cheating or you both simply wanted different things from your relationship…
Whatever your reasons may have been and whoever’s fault it was, something between you broke enough for it to have led to you separating.
Now in order for you to get him back, that broken thing needs to be addressed.
I’m not saying fixed but addressed to at least SOME degree.
The reason to do this is to gain his interest and trust again.
Because when you get his side of the story, you are reestablishing your shared connection with him. (again, regardless of who’s fault the breakup really was)
And that’s a very POWERFUL thing!
You see, you are taking down the wall that caused him to go from “your partner”, to “your ex”.
You’re making him FEEL things towards you again.
And by that, he’s reminded of all the good things about you that he’s missing out on.
This is the FASTEST way back to a man’s heart. Despite what you might have heard about it being between his legs.
What sparked my interest in getting back with Karolina after our breakup was NOT the sex.
Sure, sex is a part of it.
But it really was because she understood me and got my side in a way no other woman did.
This made me trust her and I instantly wanted to get back with her again!
So use your shared experiences and history to your advantage.
3. Send Your Ex Sexy Signals So He Doesn’t Miss Your Intentions
You don’t need to say anything outright to him about wanting to get back together yet.
But men can be ridiculously oblivious to women being interested in them.
Yes, even when it’s their own ex!
So don’t make the mistake of going all cold and distant on his ass. (This can push him even further away from you!)
Instead, let him know what’s up.
That you would like to meet for a coffee and talk a little or that you miss him and the way his voice sounds.
Don’t go overboard, but do signal your interest and feel free to flirt!
It’s an exciting time after all and I can assure you, that the anticipation of potential hot-get-back-together-sex is mutual!
4. Secure Your Relationship With Him For Good
A lot of what we’ve covered so far, are things you might do over your phone.
But once you’re actually meeting face to face, it’s a different game.
Things are suddenly more real.
You’ll have a lot of feelings, as will your ex. (Especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while)
The air might feel electrified and even brushing elbows will send a tingle down your spine.
It’s almost like you’re dating all over again…
Now, rediscovering the spark with your ex and getting back together is great, but it’s only the first step.
If you’re serious about things working out this time and actually KEEPING him and ensuring your special connection it’s best to firmly secure your ties with him NOW.
(and I’m not talking about getting engaged here.)
I mean something far more potent: securing a deep unbreakable bond with your man.
Karolina and I made the mistake of not doing so and it resulted in multiple horrible breakups.
We just didn’t know how to prevent the pattern of going from feeling super close and intimate to being so tired of each other that we broke up!
But through a lot of trial and error, we figured out what was causing the constant fights and breakups and finally DID put a stop to it.
If you’re interested in learning how to get him back and permanently secure your relationship, then you might find the Coaching Calls we offer helpful.Here we’ll support you in figuring out how to talk to him after a breakup so that he is drawn back to you again and what you need to do to finally stop the pattern of heartbreaking distance. You’ll also learn what common mistakes to avoid (like doing no-contact) when trying to get your ex back and what strategies to apply instead.
If your man is making it clear that he’s not worried about losing you, chances are it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter much to him…
Maybe you even feel unimportant to him and taken for granted.
He might treat you as though whether or not you are there, it wouldn’t even make a difference to him. Or worse he TELLS you that he doesn’t care!
And of course that hurts…
It’ll leave you angry and sad because even the strongest girlfriends eventually can’t take it anymore and just want to give up.
I know this because Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) had the same complaint about me in OUR relationship.
But we DID eventually manage to solve this tricky problem.
And yours can be fixed too!
I’m going to tell you what you need to do to turn things around and get him to treat you like you DO MATTER and ARE important!
Let’s talk about how to make your man worry about losing you.
1. Don’t Hope That He Will Change and Finally Start Appreciating You
Karolina was incredibly patient with me in our relationship, one might even say too patient at times…
And we’ve observed the same tendency with other couples.
It’s as though there is an unspoken rule for women: that they are expected to be endlessly giving and patient.
And that by trying to live up to an impossible angel-like standard they will somehow magically inspire the change they desire in their men, so that he’ll finally care about you.
Now let’s look at the reality of trying this approach:
He’ll take you for granted even more (if that’s at all possible!)
It’ll be like he’s walking all over you
You’ll feel worse and worse..
And he’ll worry EVEN less about losing you!
This approach does not work, because you would be giving him even more room to continue his behavior.
It’s almost like saying:
“Hey honey, it seems as though you don’t worry about losing me… here let me help you worry EVEN LESS!”
So if you find yourself in this kind of pattern of waiting and hoping for him to change by being the ‘perfect angel’, it’s important to take charge instead.
Because this problem will not resolve itself.
Taking charge of your relationship is the only thing that will truly result in your man’s behavior changing.
And it’s the experience Karolina had with me as well!
It’s only when she stopped waiting or being patient and took charge, that she started getting the appreciation and attention she wanted!
2. Stop Coming His Way the Whole Time, Match His Efforts Instead
Do you ever have the feeling you’re accommodating men? Like even your boyfriend or husband?
Maybe when he’s saying something that may be of very little interest to you, you still find yourself politely nodding, smiling and feigning interest?
If so, let me tell you this is something us men are unfortunately very used to and BLIND to as well!
We like to think our partner is truly interested and blown away by whatever it is we’re currently flexing about.
But when it’s your turn to be heard, he might cut you off mid sentence.
Or maybe he ignores the fact that you just said something to begin with!
This behavior is unfortunately common…
I don’t know where us men get our sense of entitlement from, but it definitely has a negative impact on our relationship!
So instead of coming his way the whole time, MATCH his efforts instead.
Give only as much as he’s giving you.
Whether that’s in conversation, texting, in bed, chores or any other area of life.
Match however much effort he is putting in and DON’T put in more than that!
This will shake things up for him, he’ll realize that you can CHOOSE how much of your time and attention you give him.
That it’s not guaranteed and that he has to earn it!
[A word of caution: Be careful not to fall into the other extreme of distancing yourself and not giving anything at all! Because this will signal that you are no longer interested in him and can even reinforce his lack of worry about losing you!]
3. Get Busy Pursuing Your Own Interests
There is nothing more vexing and simultaneous attractive to us men than a woman doing her own thing.
You see, we’re selfish.
We like to be the most important thing in our girlfriend’s life.
King of the castle, master of the universe and any other cliche you can think of!
And when we’re not the center of everything –a primitive caveman ALARM BELL goes off.. :
“Why is this other thing of more interest to her now? How dare she prioritize getting her nails done over dinning with me?! What is this rebellion? It seems I must pursue and court her again!”
You know, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast -only without the whole captivity and talking furniture thing.
I’m exaggerating a little here because I want to get this POINT across.
There is something very frustrating yet stimulating to a man when his partner goes off doing her own thing!
Karolina would be at social events, hanging out with friends or even taking on drawing classes at some point.
And I couldn’t have her out there having all the fun to herself! And besides what if she meets an interesting guy??…
You get the idea.
So pursuing your own interests will keep your man on his toes and more interested in you again!
4. Restructuring Your Relationship Will Make Him Worry About Losing You
Lastly it’s important to address the elephant in the room here…
If you are in this situation where your man is neglecting you and isn’t worried about losing you…
…Then there’s MORE to it than meets the eye.
This kind of unfair treatment doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It stems from issues in a relationship that lie beneath the surface.
These are problems that are often old and buried because they’re just too scary to face!
And they develop very slowly over the course of months or years so they’re also very difficult to pick up on…
But at some point the pain is too big to continue ignoring and you wake up and realize:“Hey, he’s not even worried about losing me anymore! He takes me for granted!”What’s needed at this point is to restructure your relationship to make him actually wake up and be afraid of losing you.
Since Karolina and I both KNOW these struggles and learned how to overcome them, it became important to us to share our experience and help other women overcome them too.
So If you’re feeling unappreciated and unimportant and could do with some help fixing it, be sure to check out our course that we designed especially for women in your situation: Rebuild Your Relationship.
In it, you’ll learn actionable steps to immediately capture his undivided attention, as well as the secrets to get him to truly value and appreciate you the way you want and need, so that he DOES finally worry about losing you.
Finally, there is also a flip side to the whole issue of men not worrying about losing their partner…
Which is that he might straight up be the emotionally unavailable type!
If you’ve found yourself chasing him to meet your relationship needs (which you very well deserve to have!) and when you express them, his response is equivalent to that of a rock. Then you probably find our post about how to get emotionally unavailable men to open up insightful.
If you have any further questions or you’re not sure about something, just drop me a comment below and I’ll get back to you!
There’s nothing worse than trying everything in your power to make your connection with your man work and still feel like your relationship is dying.
Whether you feel like you’ve become emotional strangers or every conversation ends in frustrating fights, or you haven’t had sex in months or even if you’ve reached a point of simply not talking to each other anymore…
Let me tell you, it can CHANGE.
When my relationship with my boyfriend Gabriel (who runs this blog with me) was about to die, things were TOUGH.
Even though we kept trying to make things work and grow closer, we couldn’t seem to save our relationship…
It was as though there was an invisible wall between us that we were powerless against.
And what’s more, the wall kept slowly expanding and pushing us further apart!
And as it did, we gradually made less effort and cared less…
There were times where both of us wanted to simply throw in the towel and call it quits.
So in order to save you all the pain, here is what I learned you need to do to revive your dying relationship and save it!
1. Uncover What Is Making Your Relationship Die
There is no magic at work here!
If you feel like your relationship is nearing its end, then there is a REASON.
In my case, it turned out that there were external factors like our jobs and family getting in between us.
As well as letting our relationship start to go on autopilot.
Whatever the case might be for you, the point is to try and figure out what is making your relationship feel like it’s ending.
And it’s the first step in saving your relationship.
This means taking charge and honestly talking to your man and asking questions to uncover the reason why the spark is fading.
In other words, try to get to the bottom of it all.
Also know that the process of a deteriorating relationship generally happens slowly, VERY SLOWLY…
So much so that you might not even notice it until months or even years have passed! Even though it’s happening right in front of our eyes…
So if you happen to be beating yourself up over not “Not having noticed it sooner”.
Don’t.
It happened to me too, just as it happens to countless other women.
2. Understand That There Are Multiple Causes
When your relationship is dying, I guarantee you it’s never due to one isolated cause.
There are always multiple things at play.
As previously mentioned in my case it was jobs and family getting in the way.
And there were also many other smaller factors, like me not feeling understood or taken seriously by Gabriel.
On top of it all, there was also his side of things.
So, not only were there multiple causes of mine that I needed to uncover to save our relationship. There were Gabriel’s as well.
This means that in your relationship, there will be two sides to contend with.
Yours and his.
This adds up to what might feel too complex a problem to unravel and somewhat overwhelming.
But for now, you only need to remember one thing; There are many different causes that are contributing towards your relationship dying!
It’s very unlikely due to one isolated reason or incident.
3. Focus on the Main Cause in Your Relationship First
So we just said that there are various contributors to take into account when it comes to your relationship dying.
Having said all of that, when starting off, it’s best to take on the MAIN cause first, rather than trying to solve all at once!
This ensures you’re dealing with only the biggest and most urgent reason behind your relationship troubles, when trying to save it.
Then you’ll also not be overwhelmed and can take the other issues on one at a time.
For me, one of the big ones was focusing on setting boundaries with my family.
But for you it might be that your man is distant, or maybe every discussion ends in a fight or worse you might even suspect him of lying to you…
Whatever is bothering you the most, start trying to address and solve this ONE thing first.
You can think of it as saving small parts of your relationship, one at a time. And it will all add up.
Once you’ve taken care of one, you can work your way to the others when you feel ready.
4. Have a Framework and Tools to Save Your Relationship
When I need to do my makeup, I have brushes, concealer, eyelash curler, various other tools as well as a technique.
If I’m going shopping, I know which stores I’m going to for which items, I have a shopping list app, carry bags and my car.
Every little and big task in life requires some kind of system and tools if you want to be quick and make things easier for yourself.
When it comes to relationships though, we’re taught that once you find the right guy things must somehow magically fall into place.
That there will never be a need to work on- or save your relationship…
That relationship skills are somehow instinctual or passed on and should just work.
Yet in my experience it’s nothing like that.
I struggled A LOT in my relationship at the beginning, because I was navigating blindly and hoping things would just somehow work out!
But the truth is that relationships require a method and tools just like any other task in life.
The only reason I have a fulfilling and happy relationship with Gabriel today is because I have the right framework and tools to not only save, but also create the relationship I want and know how to DEAL with problems if they arise.
Without them I’d be lost.
And they’ve added so much value to my relationship that I eventually decided to start this blog with my boyfriend Gabriel and teach these relationship techniques.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and are not sure how to best approach saving your relationship, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course designed especially for women.
With it, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do, to not only save your relationship from dying, but also how to build it back to being the way you want it to be: fun, loving and steamy!
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
