by Gabriel Brenner | Mar 22, 2021 | Commitment, Relationship Advice
Photo by Keira Burton
When you’re in a love-hate relationship, you’re gonna feel like everything is just right in one moment: you have warm fuzzy feelings and are tots in love with him…
And the next moment the clouds suddenly come rolling in and it’s hard not to hate everything about the guy.
And all of that within a day or even just an hour, leaving you confused, doubtful, and upset.
Does that sound about right?
If so, let’s dive into love-hate relationships and make some sense of them.
After all, having the repeated experience of loving someone one moment and hating them the next, isn’t easy on your nerves or heart.
And we can’t have that now, can we.
Is It Normal to Hate Your Partner?
First things first, how NORMAL is it to hate your partner?
It is not uncommon in relationships, especially if you find yourself hating him from time to time, rather than always.
Most couples we’ve worked with hate something or other about their partner.
Whether it’s a small issue, like the way he tells the same story at every social event.
Or big, say when he dismisses your feelings for the hundredth time!
But feeling hatred towards your partner is an indicator that something in your relationship isn’t quite right and could do with ADJUSTING.
More on that later, but first we need to explore a few more questions surrounding love-hate relationships.
Is a Love-Hate Relationship Healthy?
The short answer is “No, it’s not healthy.”
But things aren’t always so simple, are they? Since love-hate relationships have -well, BOTH components.
So let’s separate the two for a moment:
- Everything that is ‘Loving’ in your relationship is definitely healthy and good for yours and his heart, and will help nurture your special connection.
When you’re in the ‘love’ mode, you’re happy right?
There’s little you want to change in that moment, things are pleasant as they are and your relationship will probably look and feel like a healthy one.
- By contrast, everything that is ‘Hating’ is going to push you both further apart and hurt your relationship. (especially if you’re directing your hatred at each other)
So instead of slapping a generic label on your love-hate relationship and calling it either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’…
We take what IS WORKING and say:
“Awesome! I’m sure when you’re feeling loving, the sparks that go flying between you two can be seen from miles away!”
And then in turn we try and understand where the hate is coming from.
In moments of feeling hateful towards Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) it was ALWAYS a sign that something WASN’T WORKING for me.
I was not getting something in my relationship that I really needed.
So when you’re feeling hateful towards him, think about what you’re NOT GETTING from him that you really need!
Can You Love Someone and Hate Them at the Same Time?
Of course you can.
Let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey as an example.
“I’m crazy in love with you, but I want to kinky-torture you in my play dungeon.”
Or take Edward from Twilight:
“Life without you is simply not possible. But I might just kill you.”
I’m not sure Edward would qualify for many of the signs of true love from a man. -But that’s maybe a story for another time.
What I want to get across is: no relationship is free of some darker elements.
In a sense, EVERY relationship is a love-hate relationship.
So yes, you can love someone and hate them at the same time.
Because at some point or another everybody has moments of hating their partner. We’re only human after all.
But what’s important here, is your ‘Love-Hate RATIO’.
If you’re at 95% Love – 5% Hate, then consider yourself lucky.
But if you feel like you’re more at 50% Love – 50% Hate, then it makes sense you’re looking for answers and a way to increase the love and DECREASE the hate.
Things are certainly more challenging, when you feel MORE hatred than love.
But for now, take a moment to think about what your ‘Love-Hate Ratio’ is.
Is Hate a Sign of Love?
Hate is certainly a strong emotion.
But I would not say it’s a sign of love.
I know it’s a message that is circulated a lot.
That if you hate someone, surely it’s a sign that you deeply care about them?
But as mentioned, hate is a sign that something isn’t working for you in your relationship. And if that sign is ignored for too long, the feelings pile up and can result in some toxic relationship habits.
What Causes a Love-Hate Relationship?
So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?
Alright, let’s do this.
A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.
…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.
But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.
You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris‘)
It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.
And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:
None of us have gone through life unscarred.
Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.
When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.
And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.
Hate is is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.
How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship
In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.
It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.
But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.
Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗
And in turn was why we started this blog, because we saw how many people struggled with their own love-hate dynamic and weren’t sure how to start getting out of it.
If you’d like some extra help with this problem, you can check out our Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.
You’ll get four exciting challenges to put you back on the right track with more love and less of those pesky hateful feelings in your relationship.
The challenge will also help you gain more general awareness about what your relationship needs in order to grow into a nurturing and connected partnership and allow you to experience positive changes right away!
Click here to start your Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.
I know this can be a bit of a heavy topic, it’s certainly not an easy one. But maybe a couple of love songs can brighten the mood for you a little here…
Or if you’re really hardcore and want to dig deeper, we’ve also got a great related article that can help you stop fighting in your relationship.
If you’d like to share your relationship story with us or have any questions, leave them in the comments section and we’ll get back to you.
Until next time,
Gabriel
by Karolina Bartnik | Dec 3, 2020 | Commitment, Relationship Advice
Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I would know.
Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.
The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.
From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.
And I managed to do it, three times.
It’s now been over 7 years since our last breakup and we’ve been happily together ever since.
Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.
There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.
But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.
In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make my ex want me back so that you too can get your man to miss you and chase you again.
1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again
Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.
When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I started wondering about things like:
‘Was it my fault?!’
‘Am I not good enough?!’
‘Did I do something wrong?’
The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting your ex to want to come back to you.
They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.
That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.
There are many ways to go about this.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.
The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.
Once you feel more like your old self, you can then proceed to step two:
2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation
Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.
The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.
While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.
Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.
When Gabriel broke up with me I was as desperate as it gets.
Desperate to get back together…
Desperate to feel like he loves me again…
Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…
Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions.
Luckily, I didn’t let that happen…
The biggest problem with acting desperate is that it will make your ex feel like he has got full control over you.
He won’t need to worry about losing you.
He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.
Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.
There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:
By taking charge of the situation.
Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead.
There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen yourself.
3. Realize That He Still Wants You
This is something that the old me would have really needed to hear back in the day when Gabriel and I were broken up…
“The thing about attraction in relationships is that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.”
The fact that your ex WAS into you, means that he most likely still IS into you.
That’s because, firstly, chemistry is not really something we have control over. It’s either there between two people, or it’s not.
Secondly, people get ATTACHED to their partners.
They do, no matter whether they deny it or not. It’s just human nature to get attached to other people…
Gabriel was the kind of guy to really play down his feelings and attachment towards me.
He pretended that the breakups didn’t affect him much.
And that he didn’t care whether we were together or not.
But you know what, it was just an ACT that was supposed to keep me hooked and make me endlessly chase after him.
This is something he actually now (not proudly) confirms.
So even if your ex is acting all cold and distant, don’t get fooled by that.
It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that he can stay in control of you and the relationship.
Everybody gets attached.
People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…
So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.
Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.
You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you gotta do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.
This brings me to the last step of your journey…
4. Remove the Barriers to Get Him to Chase You Again
In reality, getting your ex to want you back is much simpler than we’re lead to believe.
Chances are that in this very moment he is secretly pining after you and longing to feel close to you again.
But…
…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?
That’s a very good question.
Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting him to want you back.
You see, people always break up for a reason.
So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you.
Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.
There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.
Some of them were purely his issues. Others, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).
The secret in making him want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him again (because he feels attracted to you already!).
It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing him from wanting to be together with you.
Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together but also to NEVER break up ever again!
If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that he wants you back, you might want to check out our online course Rebuild your Relationship.
In it, we’ll teach you how you can influence your man so that he goes from being hesitant and distant to dying to please you and chasing you around for love and attention.
You’ll learn a foolproof step by step technique to get everything you ever wanted from him and more…
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
In case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your man back permanently, check out our article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!
If you have any questions or would like some more specific advice, let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you!
Karolina
by Gabriel Brenner | Nov 1, 2020 | Commitment, Relationship Advice
So you were with a guy and unfortunately, things didn’t work out the way you hoped…
Hurtful things were said and done, one thing escalated into the other and one or both of you decided it was finally time to break up…
But days, months or even years passed and you feel that the connection you had with him was really intimate and special to you and that it’s not something you want to give up on just yet.
You’ve decided you want to get your ex back.
And that’s exactly what we’re going to help you do here.
I’m going to show you how you can finally get your ex back and do so in a way that guarantees he will stay so that you feel stable with him and NEVER have to fear losing him again!
And this approach is foolproof and will work via texting or in person and also whether you’ve been out of touch for months or if the breakup only happened yesterday.
Let’s dive in.
#1. Scope Out Your Ex’s Situation and Feelings
When my girlfriend Karolina (who runs this blog with me today) and I first broke up, it was heartbreaking for both of us.
But I was -regretfully- the one who instigated it.
And I want to tell you right away, that men can be very tricky to handle when you want to get back together with them.
We can be extremely sensitive drama queens! -or should I say, drama kings?-
Your ex-boyfriend might be playing cool, distant and uncaring as to whether or not you get back together…
…but DON’T FALL for it!
Because men are only PRETENDING to have zero emotional stakes in the game when in reality they have as much skin in it as you do.
And they’re also easily frightened off!
So it’s important to take the right approach to avoid potentially screwing up your chances.
I hate to say it, but you may need to handle your ex with kid gloves at times and be very careful and tactful!
Like I said, drama kings.
This is why I don’t recommend diving right in and trying to get back together with him.
Ideally, you’ll first carefully scope out his situation:
- Is he still clearly into you?
- Does he let it show?
- Do you know or suspect he’s dating other women?
- Are there other things that might be getting in the way of getting him back?
Doing your crafty research first will ensure you get a full picture of what’s up on his end and how he feels about you.
And this will set you up in maximizing your chances of getting your ex back!
#2. Get His Side So That He Craves You Again
There was obviously a reason for the two of you to have initially broken up.
Whether it was due to constant fights and hurt, cheating or you both simply wanted different things from your relationship…
Whatever your reasons may have been and whoever’s fault it was, something between you broke enough for it to have led to you separating.
Now in order for you to get him back, that broken thing needs to be addressed.
I’m not saying fixed but addressed to at least SOME degree.
The reason to do this is to gain his interest and trust again.
Because when you get his side of the story, you are reestablishing your shared connection with him. (again, regardless of who’s fault the breakup really was)
And that’s a very POWERFUL thing!
You see, you are taking down the wall that caused him to go from “your partner”, to “your ex”.
You’re making him FEEL things towards you again.
And by that, he’s reminded of all the good things about you that he’s missing out on.
This is the FASTEST way back to a man’s heart. Despite what you might have heard about it being between his legs.
What sparked my interest in getting back with Karolina after our breakup was NOT the sex.
Sure, sex is a part of it.
But it really was because she understood me and got my side in a way no other woman did.
This made me trust her and I instantly wanted to get back with her again!
So use your shared experiences and history to your advantage.
#3. Send Your Ex Sexy Signals So He Doesn’t Miss Your Intentions
You don’t need to say anything outright to him about wanting to get back together yet.
But men can be ridiculously oblivious to women being interested in them.
Yes, even when it’s their own ex!
So don’t make the mistake of going all cold and distant on his ass. (This can push him even further away from you!)
Instead, let him know what’s up.
That you would like to meet for a coffee and talk a little or that you miss him and the way his voice sounds.
Don’t go overboard, but do signal your interest and feel free to flirt!
It’s an exciting time after all and I can assure you, that the anticipation of potential hot-get-back-together-sex is mutual!
#4. Secure Your Relationship With Him For Good
A lot of what we’ve covered so far, are things you might do over your phone.
But once you’re actually meeting face to face, it’s a different game.
Things are suddenly more real.
You’ll have a lot of feelings, as will your ex. (Especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while)
The air might feel electrified and even brushing elbows will send a tingle down your spine.
It’s almost like you’re dating all over again…
Now, rediscovering the spark with your ex and getting back together is great, but it’s only the first step.
If you’re serious about things working out this time and actually KEEPING him and ensuring your special connection it’s best to firmly secure your ties with him NOW.
(and I’m not talking about getting engaged here.)
I mean something far more potent: securing a deep unbreakable bond with your man.
Karolina and I made the mistake of not doing so and it resulted in multiple horrible breakups.
We just didn’t know how to prevent the pattern of going from feeling super close and intimate to being so tired of each other that we broke up!
But through a lot of trial and error, we figured out what was causing the constant fights and breakups and finally DID put a stop to it.
And that is exactly what we teach in our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it, we show you where things go wrong in relationships so that you can prevent breakups AHEAD of time.
And also the best possible tools to deal with and resolve the most common reasons couples break up!
So if you feel like you could do with a little help with developing that deep unbreakable bond with your man, so that you never break up or lose him again, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
If you have questions or thoughts you’d like to share, let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you.
Best,
Gabriel
by Gabriel Brenner | Oct 7, 2020 | Commitment, Relationship Advice
If your man is making it clear that he’s not worried about losing you, chances are it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter much to him…
Maybe you even feel unimportant to him and taken for granted.
He might treat you as though whether or not you are there, it wouldn’t even make a difference to him. Or worse he TELLS you that he doesn’t care!
And of course that hurts…
It’ll leave you angry and sad because even the strongest girlfriends eventually can’t take it anymore and just want to give up.
I know this because Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) had the same complaint about me in OUR relationship.
But we DID eventually manage to solve this tricky problem.
And yours can be fixed too!
I’m going to tell you what you need to do to turn things around and get him to treat you like you DO MATTER and ARE important!
Let’s talk about how to make your man worry about losing you.
1. Don’t Hope That He Will Change and Finally Start Appreciating You
Karolina was incredibly patient with me in our relationship, one might even say too patient at times…
And we’ve observed the same tendency with other couples.
It’s as though there is an unspoken rule for women: that they are expected to be endlessly giving and patient.
And that by trying to live up to an impossible angel-like standard they will somehow magically inspire the change they desire in their men, so that he’ll finally care about you.
Now let’s look at the reality of trying this approach:
- He’ll take you for granted even more (if that’s at all possible!)
- It’ll be like he’s walking all over you
- You’ll feel worse and worse..
- And he’ll worry EVEN less about losing you!
This approach does not work, because you would be giving him even more room to continue his behavior.
It’s almost like saying:
“Hey honey, it seems as though you don’t worry about losing me… here let me help you worry EVEN LESS!”
So if you find yourself in this kind of pattern of waiting and hoping for him to change by being the ‘perfect angel’, it’s important to take charge instead.
Because this problem will not resolve itself.
Taking charge of your relationship is the only thing that will truly result in your man’s behavior changing.
And it’s the experience Karolina had with me as well!
It’s only when she stopped waiting or being patient and took charge, that she started getting the appreciation and attention she wanted!
2. Stop Coming His Way the Whole Time, Match His Efforts Instead
Do you ever have the feeling you’re accommodating men? Like even your boyfriend or husband?
Maybe when he’s saying something that may be of very little interest to you, you still find yourself politely nodding, smiling and feigning interest?
If so, let me tell you this is something us men are unfortunately very used to and BLIND to as well!
We like to think our partner is truly interested and blown away by whatever it is we’re currently flexing about.
But when it’s your turn to be heard, he might cut you off mid sentence.
Or maybe he ignores the fact that you just said something to begin with!
This behavior is unfortunately common…
I don’t know where us men get our sense of entitlement from, but it definitely has a negative impact on our relationship!
So instead of coming his way the whole time, MATCH his efforts instead.
Give only as much as he’s giving you.
Whether that’s in conversation, texting, in bed, chores or any other area of life.
Match however much effort he is putting in and DON’T put in more than that!
This will shake things up for him, he’ll realize that you can CHOOSE how much of your time and attention you give him.
That it’s not guaranteed and that he has to earn it!
[A word of caution: Be careful not to fall into the other extreme of distancing yourself and not giving anything at all! Because this will signal that you are no longer interested in him and can even reinforce his lack of worry about losing you!]
3. Get Busy Pursuing Your Own Interests
There is nothing more vexing and simultaneous attractive to us men than a woman doing her own thing.
You see, we’re selfish.
We like to be the most important thing in our girlfriend’s life.
King of the castle, master of the universe and any other cliche you can think of!
And when we’re not the center of everything –a primitive caveman ALARM BELL goes off.. :
“Why is this other thing of more interest to her now? How dare she prioritize getting her nails done over dinning with me?! What is this rebellion? It seems I must pursue and court her again!”
You know, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast -only without the whole captivity and talking furniture thing.
I’m exaggerating a little here because I want to get this POINT across.
There is something very frustrating yet stimulating to a man when his partner goes off doing her own thing!
Karolina would be at social events, hanging out with friends or even taking on drawing classes at some point.
And I couldn’t have her out there having all the fun to herself! And besides what if she meets an interesting guy??…
You get the idea.
So pursuing your own interests will keep your man on his toes and more interested in you again!
4. Restructuring Your Relationship Will Make Him Worry About Losing You
Lastly it’s important to address the elephant in the room here…
If you are in this situation where your man is neglecting you and isn’t worried about losing you…
…Then there’s MORE to it than meets the eye.
This kind of unfair treatment doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It stems from issues in a relationship that lie beneath the surface.
These are problems that are often old and buried because they’re just too scary to face!
And they develop very slowly over the course of months or years so they’re also very difficult to pick up on…
But at some point the pain is too big to continue ignoring and you wake up and realize:
“Hey, he’s not even worried about losing me anymore! He takes me for granted!”
What’s needed at this point is to restructure your relationship to make him actually wake up and be afraid of losing you.
Since Karolina and I both KNOW these struggles and learned how to overcome them, it became important to us to share our experience and help other women overcome them too.
So If you’re feeling unappreciated and unimportant and could do with some help fixing it, be sure to check out our course that we designed especially for women in your situation: Rebuild Your Relationship.
In it, you’ll learn actionable steps to immediately capture his undivided attention, as well as the secrets to get him to truly value and appreciate you the way you want and need, so that he DOES finally worry about losing you.
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
Finally, there is also a flip side to the whole issue of men not worrying about losing their partner…
Which is that he might straight up be the emotionally unavailable type!
If you’ve found yourself chasing him to meet your relationship needs (which you very well deserve to have!) and when you express them, his response is equivalent to that of a rock. Then you probably find our post about how to get emotionally unavailable men to open up insightful.
If you have any further questions or you’re not sure about something, just drop me a comment below and I’ll get back to you!
Best,
Gabriel
by Karolina Bartnik | Sep 3, 2020 | Commitment, Relationship Advice
There’s nothing worse than trying everything in your power to make your connection with your man work and still feel like your relationship is dying.
Whether you feel like you’ve become emotional strangers or every conversation ends in frustrating fights, or you haven’t had sex in months or even if you’ve reached a point of simply not talking to each other anymore…
Let me tell you, it can CHANGE.
When my relationship with my boyfriend Gabriel (who runs this blog with me) was about to die, things were TOUGH.
Even though we kept trying to make things work and grow closer, we couldn’t seem to save our relationship…
It was as though there was an invisible wall between us that we were powerless against.
And what’s more, the wall kept slowly expanding and pushing us further apart!
And as it did, we gradually made less effort and cared less…
There were times where both of us wanted to simply throw in the towel and call it quits.
So in order to save you all the pain, here is what I learned you need to do to revive your dying relationship and save it!
#1. Uncover What Is Making Your Relationship Die
There is no magic at work here!
If you feel like your relationship is nearing its end, then there is a REASON.
In my case, it turned out that there were external factors like our jobs and family getting in between us.
As well as letting our relationship start to go on autopilot.
Whatever the case might be for you, the point is to try and figure out what is making your relationship feel like it’s ending.
And it’s the first step in saving your relationship.
This means taking charge and honestly talking to your man and asking questions to uncover the reason why the spark is fading.
In other words, try to get to the bottom of it all.
Also know that the process of a deteriorating relationship generally happens slowly, VERY SLOWLY…
So much so that you might not even notice it until months or even years have passed! Even though it’s happening right in front of our eyes…
So if you happen to be beating yourself up over not “Not having noticed it sooner”.
Don’t.
It happened to me too, just as it happens to countless other women.
#2. Understand That There Are Multiple Causes
When your relationship is dying, I guarantee you it’s never due to one isolated cause.
There are always multiple things at play.
As previously mentioned in my case it was jobs and family getting in the way.
And there were also many other smaller factors, like me not feeling understood or taken seriously by Gabriel.
On top of it all, there was also his side of things.
So, not only were there multiple causes of mine that I needed to uncover to save our relationship. There were Gabriel’s as well.
This means that in your relationship, there will be two sides to contend with.
Yours and his.
This adds up to what might feel too complex a problem to unravel and somewhat overwhelming.
But for now, you only need to remember one thing; There are many different causes that are contributing towards your relationship dying!
It’s very unlikely due to one isolated reason or incident.
#3. Focus on the Main Cause in Your Relationship First
So we just said that there are various contributors to take into account when it comes to your relationship dying.
Having said all of that, when starting off, it’s best to take on the MAIN cause first, rather than trying to solve all at once!
This ensures you’re dealing with only the biggest and most urgent reason behind your relationship troubles, when trying to save it.
Then you’ll also not be overwhelmed and can take the other issues on one at a time.
For me, one of the big ones was focusing on setting boundaries with my family.
But for you it might be that your man is distant, or maybe every discussion ends in a fight or worse you might even suspect him of lying to you…
Whatever is bothering you the most, start trying to address and solve this ONE thing first.
You can think of it as saving small parts of your relationship, one at a time. And it will all add up.
Once you’ve taken care of one, you can work your way to the others when you feel ready.
#4. Have a Framework and Tools to Save Your Relationship
When I need to do my makeup, I have brushes, concealer, eyelash curler, various other tools as well as a technique.
If I’m going shopping, I know which stores I’m going to for which items, I have a shopping list app, carry bags and my car.
Every little and big task in life requires some kind of system and tools if you want to be quick and make things easier for yourself.
When it comes to relationships though, we’re taught that once you find the right guy things must somehow magically fall into place.
That there will never be a need to work on- or save your relationship…
That relationship skills are somehow instinctual or passed on and should just work.
Yet in my experience it’s nothing like that.
I struggled A LOT in my relationship at the beginning, because I was navigating blindly and hoping things would just somehow work out!
But the truth is that relationships require a method and tools just like any other task in life.
The only reason I have a fulfilling and happy relationship with Gabriel today is because I have the right framework and tools to not only save, but also create the relationship I want and know how to DEAL with problems if they arise.
Without them I’d be lost.
And they’ve added so much value to my relationship that I eventually decided to start this blog with my boyfriend Gabriel and teach these relationship techniques.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and are not sure how to best approach saving your relationship, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course designed especially for women.
With it, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do, to not only save your relationship from dying, but also how to build it back to being the way you want it to be: fun, loving and steamy!
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
If you’re not sure about something or have any questions, leave them in the comments section below and I’ll get back to you!
Best,
Karolina
by Karolina Bartnik | Aug 10, 2020 | Commitment, Relationship Advice
Being in a relationship that is falling apart can be extremely painful. When my relationship was falling apart I used to feel heartbroken and hurt almost every day.
Our constant fights and misunderstandings made me endlessly worry. I used to wonder “Will this ever change?”, “Can we even make this work, or maybe we’re just simply not meant to be…”
My relationship with my partner Gabriel started out great, but things deteriorated over time.
After being together for a year and a half we have reached a point where we fought almost all the time, we couldn’t enjoy each other’s company anymore, our spark was fading and we even broke up a couple of times.
I didn’t want to give up on our relationship though and eventually, we managed to COMPLETELY turn things around.
No matter how bad things are in your relationship right now, it’s important to remember that there is always a way out.
You can fix your relationship even when it’s falling apart.
Here is how I did it:
1. Stop Expecting Things to Change on Their Own and Start Making Changes Yourself
This might sound obvious to some of you, but it wasn’t at all obvious to me back then and I think it’s a problem a lot of people have.
When my relationship started falling apart, in the first couple of months I was simply HOPING that things will get back to normal on their own.
Initially, I was hoping that Gabriel would change his mind or attitude towards me, or that he would become more caring and attentive again, but I wasn’t DOING anything to make any of these changes happen.
I spent hours complaining about our issues to friends, and even read books and articles about relationship problems, but I didn’t implement anything I’d learned.
I wasn’t making any active efforts to fix my relationship.
Back then, I used to be caught up in a belief that: “If it’s meant to be, it will work out”.
Because of this I almost felt like I’m not supposed to make any active efforts to fix my relationship from falling apart.
Once I put that limiting belief into question and started implementing new knowledge and actively changing my attitude, my relationship started gradually changing for the better.
One of the first big changes I made, that stopped my relationship from falling apart was:
2. Limit Attitudes and Behaviors That Are Damaging Your Relationship
We all come with our share of emotional baggage and unhealthy attitudes.
There are countless ways in which women sabotage their relationships, make their men more distant or even drive them away.
Things like chasing him to do, be or feel certain things, punishing or dismissing your partner are common behaviors that a lot of us resort to ALMOST EVERY DAY.
I used to do all these things too.
I used to chase Gabriel to feel more grateful and appreciative of my efforts, I’d dismiss his complaints or even withdraw my love and become more distant to show him that he did something wrong.
The main reason why I resorted to all sorts of unhealthy tactics was that I simply didn’t know any better.
It was the only way I knew to try to get what I wanted from him.
And I know many women make the very same mistake.
The thing is, all of these behaviors have a TERRIBLE influence on a relationship.
In fact, they directly cause relationships to fall apart.
That’s why, in order to fix a relationship, it’s important to limit these damaging habits as much as you can.
3. Learn Healthy Ways to Try to Get What You Want or Need
The reason so many people resort to all sorts of unhealthy behaviors in their relationships is that they think it’s the ONLY way to get what they want or need from their partner.
But in reality, this is not the case.
There are COUNTLESS ways and approaches that can get your partner to give you what you want or need without damaging your relationship in the process.
One of the most important skills that can fix a relationship is learning how to communicate better.
This includes learning how to say things in a way that will him listen.
As well as discovering how to listen in a way that can make your partner feel heard and understood.
When you can communicate openly in your relationship, you don’t have to silently hope that he will figure out what you’re needing and give it to you.
You can simply ask for things!
This way you’re much less likely to fight over countless little misunderstandings and you’re also much more likely to get MORE of what you want.
Improving communication was definitely a big stepping stone that helped me fix my relationship and stopped it from falling apart.
But there were many other skills I picked up that allowed me to quickly turn things around.
4. Set Boundaries to Prevent Your Partner’s Unhealthy Behaviors and Habits
In most cases, it’s not enough to just limit your own damaging habits and attitudes.
Because it takes two people to bring a relationship to the brink of falling apart.
Your partner has likely their own ways in which they damage and sabotage the relationship.
That’s why learning when and how to set boundaries is a crucial step when it comes to fixing things.
In my relationship, there were countless occasions that required me to set boundaries with Gabriel and also where he had to set boundaries with me.
We would often say or do hurtful things without fully realizing their negative effects.
In these kinds of situations, boundaries can act as a shield, protecting you and your relationship from potential damage.
They are absolutely necessary in order to fix a relationship when it’s falling apart.
And they also have other positive side effects.
Setting boundaries might initially be met with some resistance, but when you manage to persist and stand your ground, they’re bound to invoke deeper levels of respect from your partner.
They can actually make you feel more connected and bring you two closer.
It’s also important to mention that when your relationship has reached this point of falling apart, there’s often a lot of hurt and broken trust that happens along the way.
And in order to truly mend your relationship, it’s vital to not overlook the need to rebuild the trust that was lost between the two of you.
That way you’re starting again with a more solid foundation.
Now, fixing a relationship when it’s falling apart is definitely a challenge.
There might be moments where you’ll feel hopeless and be on the verge of giving up.
One big thing that I’ve learned from when we were struggling in our relationship was to not underestimate small changes.
There are countless ways in which you can turn things around.
It doesn’t matter what method you choose to implement or how much of it you even implement.
Every effort counts.
Even the tiniest of changes can make a world of difference.
If you’re interested in having more support and a step by step method on how to fix your relationship from falling apart, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we cover and teach the most important tools you need to stop things from further falling apart in your relationship. And more importantly you’ll learn how to rebuild things with solid foundations that will allow you to restore the love and attraction again.
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship
If you have any questions about any of the points mentioned above or about our challenge, please leave a comment below.
Karolina
