There is nothing worse than a man suddenly pulling away from you, right after getting close.
It is the most confusing and illogical thing one can do…
This constant game of my partner getting close, pulling away, getting close again, pulling away again is something that I struggled with in my relationship A LOT.
My boyfriend Gabriel used to act in the sweetest of ways. He’d text me first thing in the morning, arrange for us to meet, planned dates, be appreciative and caring.
Only to suddenly start declining all my suggestions to meet up and I wouldn’t hear from him for days on end.
Or worse, he’d say things like “I don’t know where this relationship is going” or “I’m not sure I believe in life long commitment…”.
Whenever he pulled away from me I’d feel hurt and rejected.
What’s worse, his behaviour made me doubt myself. I started wondering: “Is this my fault? Have I done something wrong?”
Years later I finally managed to drag out the truth from him. Now I know exactly why he acted the way he did and what he was actually wanting me to do about it!
In this blogpost I will share with you all I’ve learned about this common problem nearly all women face.
I’ll go into details on why men pull away, how to deal with it and what to do to get them to stop doing it.
Biggest Reasons Why Guys Suddenly Pull Away After Getting Close
Everybody’s situation is different and unique. There are many factors that can contribute to this and trigger men to pull away from women they care about.
Sometimes their need for sudden distance can arise after a relationship fight.
It can also get set off by external factors such as family or job issues.
And in other cases it might happen seemingly for no reason at all…
Even though the exact circumstances vary from person to person, there are actually some very clear patterns in this puzzling behavior of men.
These are the three biggest underlying reasons that cause guys to pull away after getting close to you:
1. Men Pull Away Because They’re Afraid Of Being Hurt
When two people start going out with each other, they often don’t have full understanding or control over the way the relationship can develop and progress over time.
In our early stages Gabriel and I would have deep meaningful conversations and have so much fun together, it would instantly make us both feel closer and deeply connected to one another.
We didn’t plan for any of these things to happen. They just did, out of the blue…
Even though these kinds of experiences can feel SO GOOD in the moment. You’re suddenly feeling close, happy, in love…
…they can also feel extremely SCARY, especially in retrospect.
Unfortunately, letting someone in on a deeper level means that they can potentially hurt you on a deeper level too.
That’s why guys sometimes pull away from you when they start to really like you or when they’re falling in love with you.
They suddenly realize just how vulnerable they’re becoming and get TERRIFIED of the potential consequences.
So they quickly distance themselves from you to slow things down and minimize any potential damage.
2. Men Pull Away to Get You to Keep On Chasing Them
There is nothing more frustrating than wanting something you cannot have.
Yet at the same time, the fact that you can’t have that one particular thing or person, tends to make it/them so much more DESIRABLE.
The push and pull dynamic is the basis of any romantic movie or series.
Take Gossip Girl for example:
In season one Blair is initially rejecting Chuck. She eventually changes her mind, but by then he is the one rejecting her.
When he finally decides to commit, she changes her mind again and so on and so forth they go for 6 seasons…
Much like in this scene Blair wanted Chuck to fight for her and win her back, the same way when a guy suddenly pulls away from you, he wants you to chase after him.
It’s a power move.
It gives him the feeling he is the one controlling the situation. In his head pulling away from you is a way of ensuring that you’ll stay hooked and remain crazy about him.
3. Men Pull Away to Sabotage the Relationship
When things start going the right way in your life and you’re finally getting something you’ve been wanting for a long time, do you ever feel like ‘it’s just too good to be true’ and then proceed to sabotage it?
I know, this kind of behavior doesn’t make much sense. Yet it’s extremely common.
I did it. Gabriel did it. And you guys have also shared your own stories of sabotage.
Even though Gossip Girl might not be the best place to get healthy relationship advice from, it just so happens that this urge to reject good things in life is a phenomenon that was very well illustrated in the Chuck and Blair dynamic too.
There were countless times when either of them pulled away from the other just for the sake of sabotaging their relationship.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t just happen in TV dramas.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior can be very confusing and hurtful. It’s also something that is actually extremely common.
So, if your man starts suddenly pulling away from you when things are going well or starting to get serious, chances are he is battling some inner demons that are urging him to sabotage the special bond that you guys share.
Is It Normal For Guys to Pull Away?
Yes, it is perfectly normal for guys to pull away from women they care about. All men do it to a greater or lesser degree.
Even in the early stages of a relationship.
Men pull away and come back because they’re testing you and getting to know you.
They’re checking how you’ll react. Whether or not you’ll freak out about it. They want to see how invested you are and if you care about them as much as they care about you.
So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?
Alright, let’s do this.
A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.
…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.
But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.
You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris‘)
It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.
And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:
None of us have gone through life unscarred.
Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.
When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.
And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.
Hate is is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.
How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship
In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.
It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.
But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.
Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗
In it we cover our journey, through our love-hate challenges, and how you too, can overcome your own.
We explain where these hateful feelings come from and give you the mindset and exact steps you need to defuse the hate and finally turn your relationship into the loving, connected and stable one you deserve.
Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I would know.
Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.
The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.
From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.
And I managed to do it, three times.
It’s now been over 7 years since our last breakup and we’ve been happily together ever since.
Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.
There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.
But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.
In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make my ex want me back so that you too can get your man to miss you and chase you again.
1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again
Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.
When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I started wondering about things like:
‘Was it my fault?!’
‘Am I not good enough?!’
‘Did I do something wrong?’
The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting your ex to want to come back to you.
They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.
That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.
There are many ways to go about this.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.
The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.
Once you feel more like your old self, you can then proceed to step two:
2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation
Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.
The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.
While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.
Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.
When Gabriel broke up with me I was as desperate as it gets.
Desperate to get back together…
Desperate to feel like he loves me again…
Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…
Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions.
Luckily, I didn’t let that happen…
The biggest problem with acting desperate is that it will make your ex feel like he has got full control over you.
He won’t need to worry about losing you.
He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.
Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.
There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:
By taking charge of the situation.
Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead.
There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen yourself.
3. Realize That He Still Wants You
This is something that the old me would have really needed to hear back in the day when Gabriel and I were broken up…
“The thing about attraction in relationships is that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.”
The fact that your ex WAS into you, means that he most likely still IS into you.
That’s because, firstly, chemistry is not really something we have control over. It’s either there between two people, or it’s not.
Secondly, people get ATTACHED to their partners.
They do, no matter whether they deny it or not. It’s just human nature to get attached to other people…
Gabriel was the kind of guy to really play down his feelings and attachment towards me.
He pretended that the breakups didn’t affect him much.
And that he didn’t care whether we were together or not.
But you know what, it was just an ACT that was supposed to keep me hooked and make me endlessly chase after him.
This is something he actually now (not proudly) confirms.
So even if your ex is acting all cold and distant, don’t get fooled by that.
It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that he can stay in control of you and the relationship.
Everybody gets attached.
People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…
So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.
Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.
You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you gotta do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.
This brings me to the last step of your journey…
4. Remove the Barriers to Get Him to Chase You Again
In reality, getting your ex to want you back is much simpler than we’re lead to believe.
Chances are that in this very moment he is secretly pining after you and longing to feel close to you again.
…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?
That’s a very good question.
Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting him to want you back.
You see, people always break up for a reason.
So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you.Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.
There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.
Some of them were purely his issues. Others, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).
The secret in making him want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him again (because he feels attracted to you already!).
It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing him from wanting to be together with you.
Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together but also to NEVER break up ever again!
If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that he wants you back, you might want to check out our online course Rebuild your Relationship.
In it, we’ll teach you how you can influence your man so that he goes from being hesitant and distant to dying to please you and chasing you around for love and attention.
You’ll learn a foolproof step by step technique to get everything you ever wanted from him and more…
If your man is making it clear that he’s not worried about losing you, chances are it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter much to him…
Maybe you even feel unimportant to him and taken for granted.
He might treat you as though whether or not you are there, it wouldn’t even make a difference to him. Or worse he TELLS you that he doesn’t care!
And of course that hurts…
It’ll leave you angry and sad because even the strongest girlfriends eventually can’t take it anymore and just want to give up.
I know this because Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) had the same complaint about me in OUR relationship.
But we DID eventually manage to solve this tricky problem.
And yours can be fixed too!
I’m going to tell you what you need to do to turn things around and get him to treat you like you DO MATTER and ARE important!
Let’s talk about how to make your man worry about losing you.
1. Don’t Hope That He Will Change and Finally Start Appreciating You
Karolina was incredibly patient with me in our relationship, one might even say too patient at times…
And we’ve observed the same tendency with other couples.
It’s as though there is an unspoken rule for women: that they are expected to be endlessly giving and patient.
And that by trying to live up to an impossible angel-like standard they will somehow magically inspire the change they desire in their men, so that he’ll finally care about you.
Now let’s look at the reality of trying this approach:
He’ll take you for granted even more (if that’s at all possible!)
It’ll be like he’s walking all over you
You’ll feel worse and worse..
And he’ll worry EVEN less about losing you!
This approach does not work, because you would be giving him even more room to continue his behavior.
It’s almost like saying:
“Hey honey, it seems as though you don’t worry about losing me… here let me help you worry EVEN LESS!”
So if you find yourself in this kind of pattern of waiting and hoping for him to change by being the ‘perfect angel’, it’s important to take charge instead.
Because this problem will not resolve itself.
Taking charge of your relationship is the only thing that will truly result in your man’s behavior changing.
And it’s the experience Karolina had with me as well!
It’s only when she stopped waiting or being patient and took charge, that she started getting the appreciation and attention she wanted!
2. Stop Coming His Way the Whole Time, Match His Efforts Instead
Do you ever have the feeling you’re accommodating men? Like even your boyfriend or husband?
Maybe when he’s saying something that may be of very little interest to you, you still find yourself politely nodding, smiling and feigning interest?
If so, let me tell you this is something us men are unfortunately very used to and BLIND to as well!
We like to think our partner is truly interested and blown away by whatever it is we’re currently flexing about.
But when it’s your turn to be heard, he might cut you off mid sentence.
Or maybe he ignores the fact that you just said something to begin with!
This behavior is unfortunately common…
I don’t know where us men get our sense of entitlement from, but it definitely has a negative impact on our relationship!
So instead of coming his way the whole time, MATCH his efforts instead.
Give only as much as he’s giving you.
Whether that’s in conversation, texting, in bed, chores or any other area of life.
Match however much effort he is putting in and DON’T put in more than that!
This will shake things up for him, he’ll realize that you can CHOOSE how much of your time and attention you give him.
That it’s not guaranteed and that he has to earn it!
[A word of caution: Be careful not to fall into the other extreme of distancing yourself and not giving anything at all! Because this will signal that you are no longer interested in him and can even reinforce his lack of worry about losing you!]
3. Get Busy Pursuing Your Own Interests
There is nothing more vexing and simultaneous attractive to us men than a woman doing her own thing.
You see, we’re selfish.
We like to be the most important thing in our girlfriend’s life.
King of the castle, master of the universe and any other cliche you can think of!
And when we’re not the center of everything –a primitive caveman ALARM BELL goes off.. :
“Why is this other thing of more interest to her now? How dare she prioritize getting her nails done over dinning with me?! What is this rebellion? It seems I must pursue and court her again!”
You know, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast -only without the whole captivity and talking furniture thing.
I’m exaggerating a little here because I want to get this POINT across.
There is something very frustrating yet stimulating to a man when his partner goes off doing her own thing!
Karolina would be at social events, hanging out with friends or even taking on drawing classes at some point.
And I couldn’t have her out there having all the fun to herself! And besides what if she meets an interesting guy??…
You get the idea.
So pursuing your own interests will keep your man on his toes and more interested in you again!
4. Restructuring Your Relationship Will Make Him Worry About Losing You
Lastly it’s important to address the elephant in the room here…
If you are in this situation where your man is neglecting you and isn’t worried about losing you…
…Then there’s MORE to it than meets the eye.
This kind of unfair treatment doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It stems from issues in a relationship that lie beneath the surface.
These are problems that are often old and buried because they’re just too scary to face!
And they develop very slowly over the course of months or years so they’re also very difficult to pick up on…
But at some point the pain is too big to continue ignoring and you wake up and realize:“Hey, he’s not even worried about losing me anymore! He takes me for granted!”What’s needed at this point is to restructure your relationship to make him actually wake up and be afraid of losing you.
Since Karolina and I both KNOW these struggles and learned how to overcome them, it became important to us to share our experience and help other women overcome them too.
So If you’re feeling unappreciated and unimportant and could do with some help fixing it, be sure to check out our course that we designed especially for women in your situation: Rebuild Your Relationship.
In it, you’ll learn actionable steps to immediately capture his undivided attention, as well as the secrets to get him to truly value and appreciate you the way you want and need, so that he DOES finally worry about losing you.
Finally, there is also a flip side to the whole issue of men not worrying about losing their partner…
Which is that he might straight up be the emotionally unavailable type!
If you’ve found yourself chasing him to meet your relationship needs (which you very well deserve to have!) and when you express them, his response is equivalent to that of a rock. Then you probably find our post about how to get emotionally unavailable men to open up insightful.
If you have any further questions or you’re not sure about something, just drop me a comment below and I’ll get back to you!
There’s nothing worse than trying everything in your power to make your connection with your man work and still feel like your relationship is dying.
Whether you feel like you’ve become emotional strangers or every conversation ends in frustrating fights, or you haven’t had sex in months or even if you’ve reached a point of simply not talking to each other anymore…
Let me tell you, it can CHANGE.
When my relationship with my boyfriend Gabriel (who runs this blog with me) was about to die, things were TOUGH.
Even though we kept trying to make things work and grow closer, we couldn’t seem to save our relationship…
It was as though there was an invisible wall between us that we were powerless against.
And what’s more, the wall kept slowly expanding and pushing us further apart!
And as it did, we gradually made less effort and cared less…
There were times where both of us wanted to simply throw in the towel and call it quits.
So in order to save you all the pain, here is what I learned you need to do to revive your dying relationship and save it!
1. Uncover What Is Making Your Relationship Die
There is no magic at work here!
If you feel like your relationship is nearing its end, then there is a REASON.
In my case, it turned out that there were external factors like our jobs and family getting in between us.
As well as letting our relationship start to go on autopilot.
Whatever the case might be for you, the point is to try and figure out what is making your relationship feel like it’s ending.
And it’s the first step in saving your relationship.
This means taking charge and honestly talking to your man and asking questions to uncover the reason why the spark is fading.
In other words, try to get to the bottom of it all.
Also know that the process of a deteriorating relationship generally happens slowly, VERY SLOWLY…
So much so that you might not even notice it until months or even years have passed! Even though it’s happening right in front of our eyes…
So if you happen to be beating yourself up over not “Not having noticed it sooner”.
It happened to me too, just as it happens to countless other women.
2. Understand That There Are Multiple Causes
When your relationship is dying, I guarantee you it’s never due to one isolated cause.
There are always multiple things at play.
As previously mentioned in my case it was jobs and family getting in the way.
And there were also many other smaller factors, like me not feeling understood or taken seriously by Gabriel.
On top of it all, there was also his side of things.
So, not only were there multiple causes of mine that I needed to uncover to save our relationship. There were Gabriel’s as well.
This means that in your relationship, there will be two sides to contend with.
Yours and his.
This adds up to what might feel too complex a problem to unravel and somewhat overwhelming.
But for now, you only need to remember one thing; There are many different causes that are contributing towards your relationship dying!
It’s very unlikely due to one isolated reason or incident.
3. Focus on the Main Cause in Your Relationship First
So we just said that there are various contributors to take into account when it comes to your relationship dying.
Having said all of that, when starting off, it’s best to take on the MAIN cause first, rather than trying to solve all at once!
This ensures you’re dealing with only the biggest and most urgent reason behind your relationship troubles, when trying to save it.
Then you’ll also not be overwhelmed and can take the other issues on one at a time.
For me, one of the big ones was focusing on setting boundaries with my family.
But for you it might be that your man is distant, or maybe every discussion ends in a fight or worse you might even suspect him of lying to you…
Whatever is bothering you the most, start trying to address and solve this ONE thing first.
You can think of it as saving small parts of your relationship, one at a time. And it will all add up.
Once you’ve taken care of one, you can work your way to the others when you feel ready.
4. Have a Framework and Tools to Save Your Relationship
When I need to do my makeup, I have brushes, concealer, eyelash curler, various other tools as well as a technique.
If I’m going shopping, I know which stores I’m going to for which items, I have a shopping list app, carry bags and my car.
Every little and big task in life requires some kind of system and tools if you want to be quick and make things easier for yourself.
When it comes to relationships though, we’re taught that once you find the right guy things must somehow magically fall into place.
That there will never be a need to work on- or save your relationship…
That relationship skills are somehow instinctual or passed on and should just work.
Yet in my experience it’s nothing like that.
I struggled A LOT in my relationship at the beginning, because I was navigating blindly and hoping things would just somehow work out!
But the truth is that relationships require a method and tools just like any other task in life.
The only reason I have a fulfilling and happy relationship with Gabriel today is because I have the right framework and tools to not only save, but also create the relationship I want and know how to DEAL with problems if they arise.
Without them I’d be lost.
And they’ve added so much value to my relationship that I eventually decided to start this blog with my boyfriend Gabriel and teach these relationship techniques.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and are not sure how to best approach saving your relationship, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course designed especially for women.
With it, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do, to not only save your relationship from dying, but also how to build it back to being the way you want it to be: fun, loving and steamy!
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.