Do Guys Come Back After They Dump You? Mostly Yes, They Do

Do Guys Come Back After They Dump You? Mostly Yes, They Do

Photo by Creation Hill

Your boyfriend broke up with you, and now you’re wondering: Is this it? Or is he going to come back to me?

In most cases, male dumpers always come back sooner or later. There are a few exceptions to this rule, though.

My then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. He would always eventually start becoming interested and chase me again. We’re happily married now, so I’m living proof that guys come back after dumping you.

At this point, I’ve also coached hundreds of women on how to get their ex back. Many of them were asking me this very question: Is he ever going to come back? In about 90% of cases, the answer was always YES.

Our attachments are far stronger than most of us would like to believe. It’s not any easier for him to let go, than it is for you. Being the dumper, gives your ex power and control, though. Because of this, he might be acting cool or careless.

But the moment you manage to take the power away from him, he will start having second thoughts and hovering around you again.

In this blog post, I will explain why dumpers act this way and what you can expect of your ex.

Will He Miss Me After Dumping Me?

If your breakup is fresh, you must still be in the midst of an emotional storm. Being broken up with is tough. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, makes you miserable and desperate.

When you’ve just been abandoned this way, you might be wondering: Is he as upset as I am? Doesn’t he feel heartbroken about losing me too?

And if a few days or weeks have already passed, you’ve observed your ex’s behavior since then, and HE SEEMS FINE. You must be breaking your head, thinking: Why is he acting so cool? Doesn’t he miss me at all?!

Most dumpers will miss you, however, they will not miss you nearly as much as you will miss them.

The person who decides to break up generally feels confident that they could reverse it, if they chose to. This gives your ex a false sense of safety and security, that then allows him to remain cool and composed.

A dumper needs to go through a few emotional stages, before he actually wakes up to the breakup.

You might be heartbroken over losing him, meanwhile he doesn’t feel like he lost you, so why should he be upset…

To him, it’s as though you’re just taking some time apart. He might be a little sad, a little lonely, but it’s a far cry from where you’re at.

What Makes a Man Come Back After a Breakup

A dumper lives in a delusion that he is in control, you’re crazy about him, you’re more attached than he is etc. Because of this, he might stay distant and act careless without worrying about the consequences.

However, once his delusion starts to fade a little and your ex starts feeling like he is losing control over you, he will come back.

When he stops knowing what you’re up to, or your behavior suddenly changes: you’re not crying or chasing him the whole time, that’s when doubts will slowly start creeping in, and he will then try to sneakily regain that sense of control.

This is why exes reach out after a period of no contact. Or they start sending you subtle signs, to get you to make the next move.

Some men don’t dare to or can’t come back on their own.

But they will do small things to get your attention and check if you’re still hooked or not. Like viewing or reacting to your posts and stories, posting things that are meant for you, or finding an excuse to pop by (even if it is to pick up their things from your place).

How Often Do Male Dumpers Come Back

In my experience, 9 out of 10 times male dumpers come back, but not to get back together right away.

They start finding excuses to talk, check if you still care and are interested, or if things can change (if they broke up because of some relationship problem).

Especially if he said you were perfect and then dumped you for no good reason, the chances of him coming back are close to 100%. It’s a sign you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, your relationship seemed too good to be true, so he sabotaged it.

Avoidants often need extra encouragement in the beginning. But they will always find their way back to you, as long as you don’t reject them too hard.

What Makes a Guy Not Come Back After a Breakup

There are a few cases when guys don’t come back after they dump you. They are more on the rare side, but they do happen. If any of the following situations fits your case, there is really no point for you to wait for him.

If He Broke up With You, to Get You to Chase Him

Much like women, men can sometimes give you the cold shoulder to get you to prove to him that you care. He can be doing it as a last resort, to get his point across, or because, according to him, he was making much more effort in the relationship than you were.

Needless to say, if this is the case, he will most likely not come back on his own.

He might be hurting after the breakup so deeply, he will simply remain stuck in his own pain and resentment.

When this is the case, you will need to come his way first and prove to him that you care as much as he does.

He Might Not Come Back if You Were Ignoring His Boundaries

The second case scenario when a male dumper might not come back is when your breakup became very messy.

There are cases when a guy breaking up or withdrawing, triggers something in you. A frenzy takes over, makes you act a bit crazy and you override all his boundaries.

Everybody gets desperate after being broken up with, I did, many of our clients did too. However, there are some rare cases that take it to an extreme and drive their ex away completely.

If you’ve been over texting, popping by his flat or house or work, crying, begging, convincing him, you might have sabotaged your chances for good.

He may never come back after this and will definitely not come back any time soon.

If you did this and are now blocked on everything, know that any further pursuit of your ex will only make your situation worse.

How Long Until a Male Dumper Comes Back

Here, I want to differentiate between your ex coming back after dumping you vs getting back together, because these are two very different timelines.

There are cases when an ex comes back, says he was an idiot and wants to go back to being in a relationship right away. But they’re very rare, and you actually have to wait much longer.

This could happen if he moved on very fast, his rebound failed, and he is desperate to have you back afterward.

But for the most part, guys first only come back only to make you feel like they’re interested again. The getting back together part happens a bit later.

Most male dumpers will start coming back, the moment you send them subtle signals that you might be moving on.

So this actually depends on you. It tends to take anywhere from one week to six months.

As long as you’re chasing him, he will have no reason to come back.

But the moment you make him feel like you might be slipping away, he will find a way to check in and ensure that it doesn’t happen.

Why Some Men Come Back Months Later

In certain cases, men take much longer to start warming up to you again. Some men come back months later because you continue chasing them.

As long as you’re fuelling your ex’s sense of security by: telling him you miss him, needing things from him, telling him you love him, he will have no reason to really miss you, let alone start worrying about losing you.

Even if these are rare instances that only happen once every few weeks. By acting desperate (even occasionally) you can keep your ex at bay for MONTHS.

Another reason why an ex might take this long to come back to you is when he got into a rebound relationship. When this is the case, having a new girlfriend will keep him busy and preoccupied. Initially, he will go through a honeymoon phase with her.

People tend to get into rebound relationships on a whim, though. This is why they’re often terrible matches that inevitably fail.

When a man comes back months later, chances are his rebound went wrong, and he is ready to try to fix things with you instead.

Is Doing No Contact the Best Way to Get a Male Dumper to Come Back

No contact is definitely a better way to approach your ex than chasing him, crying, begging, convincing etc. However, it has its limits too.

What you want to watch out for is doing ‘no contact’, then to only relapse into desperation, followed by doing more no contact.

Every time you’re acting desperate, you’ll be undoing all the progress and further fuelling your ex’s sense of safety and control. This is the road that will make you drift apart.

The male psychology of the no contact rule is not what experts often say.

Not interacting with him alone will not make your ex come back. What’s more, men are actually quite sensitive to rejection.

In my experience, applying the no contact rule for longer than two weeks doesn’t benefit him. At that point, you’re just drifting further and further apart.

This is why we actually recommend that our coaching clients apply the limited contact rule instead.

By keeping in touch with your ex, you can undermine his false sense of safety much sooner. It also allows you to make sure that you don’t reject your ex too hard.

If you want to learn how to apply our limited contact rule in detail, this is something we teach in our Get Your Ex Back Course.

Here, we will give you detailed guidelines, to ensure that you can get your ex to come back as soon as possible. This way, you can be sure you’re moving things in the right direction.

Click here to check out Get Your Ex Back.

If you’re looking for some further guidelines on this topic, check out my other blog post: Do Exes Come Back? – An Honest Answer

Thank you for reading! In case you have any doubts or questions, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you!


Is It Bad if He Goes a Day Without Talking to You? It Depends…

Is It Bad if He Goes a Day Without Talking to You? It Depends…

Photo by Mikhail Nilov

When a guy goes a day without talking to you, it’s easy to get at least a little unsettled. You might start worrying about things like:

Did he change his mind about me?

What is he up to?

Why doesn’t he miss me?

When is he going to reach out?

A man distancing himself this way might mean many things. In this blog post, I’ll help you understand what’s going on for him when he stops texting you or contacting you.

This way, you won’t have to second guess yourself and will be able to put your worries aside.

I’ll also give a few tips on what to do, to get him to reach out to you again. But before going into any pragmatics, let’s first discuss why men act this way.

What Does It Mean When He Goes A Day Without Texting You

There can be many reasons why a guy can go for a day or even longer without talking to you. Here are the most common four of them:

1. He Might Be Testing You

When a guy stops contacting you for a day, it might mean that he is simply checking if you’re going to be ok with it or not.

On one hand, he wants to feel free and do as he pleases, to not have to check in with you, every single day. (It’s typical for men to pull away this way. Especially in the early stages of a relationship.)

On the other hand, he might also want to see if you actually care when he disappears. Which brings me to my next point…

2. He Might Be Leaving Room for You to Make the Next Move

Some of our coaching clients had a guy chase them really hard. He would always initiate, arrange fancy dates, do everything he could to impress a girl, only to then go silent out of the blue!

When this happens (in this particular order: first chasing you followed by silence), then him not talking to you means he is giving you room to make the next move.

He might be tired of taking charge and putting himself out there. Maybe he worries that you don’t care about him as much as he cares about you. Or that you might think of him as desperate.

Yes, guys feel this way too!

When this is the case, then him not talking to you means that he is just waiting and seeing what you’ll do.

3. He Might Be Feeling Down

Another super common scenario is: a guy stops texting you when he is feeling down.

Perhaps he is stressed out with school or his job, he is depressed or might even be struggling with serious mental health issues.

He is not doing well, but doesn’t want you to see this side of him. He might be afraid of being judged or being perceived as unattractive.

So he goes silent in the hopes that you’ll leave him be and let him get out of this rut by himself.

This kind of pattern is typical when you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment.

4. He Might Not Have Room for You at the Moment

This is a bit of an extension of the previous point. When a guy feels stressed or down, he might not have much emotional space for other people.

He might be too overwhelmed or depressed to send you cute texts or even to respond to your memes or messages.

Especially when he feels like you’re just the next person who is only needing things from him.

You’d be surprised, how common of a scenario this actually is!

Going silent is a lot of a guys’ first reaction to stress. And when a guy stops giving a girl his attention, women often panic and become overbearing or needy without realizing that this is what’s going on.

Which then only leads to the guy becoming more distant. Which in turn only makes them overthink and panic more

So keep in mind, when a guy goes a day without talking to you, it might also mean that he has no room for where you’re at on that day.

Can You Go a Day Without Talking to Someone You Love

In the early stages of a relationship, it’s absolutely normal to go a day without talking to someone you love!

Your lives are likely pretty separate at that point, so both of you might just go through your day without explicitly needing to contact the other.

It’s perfectly ok for things to be this way.

What’s more, having some space actually helps you appreciate each other more and gives your partner room to miss you!

For some people, one day might not be enough. They might need more time and space for themselves before letting you in again.

Some guys can go on three days without talking to you. Others might even need a week and that’s ok too!

As long as you’re comfortable with the amount of space that he needs, you don’t need to worry about this.

What Does It Mean When a Guy Can Go Days Without Talking to You

Things will look differently if your partner can go on for DAYS without talking to you or texting you. Or when he keeps on ghosting you and coming back.

If the amount of space in your relationship makes you feel lonely, excessively anxious, or insecure, then it’s likely not healthy for you to let things continue going on this way.

There are three big things that him not talking to you for days might mean:

Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You

Someone who rarely makes an effort to see you or to talk to might just not care about you as much as you wish they did. It’s a sad truth to face, but consider that it will save you a lot of precious time and energy.

When a guy can go days without talking to you, it might mean that he’s just not very invested.

That he doesn’t care if things work out or not, and that you’re not his priority. There is no point chasing after someone who just isn’t that into you.

You deserve better!

Guys That Drop Off the Map Generally Are Hiding Something

You’re not going to like this one either. But again, I’ve seen women get deceived this way time and time again.

The truth always comes out eventually, though, and it generally hurts more, the later it happens, so I’m telling you this now to save you some pain.

When a guy can go days without talking to you, it is a red flag. It might mean that he might be hiding things from you.

A common excuse ghosters use when they come back is either stress at work or mental health struggles.

“I was just feeling really depressed, that’s why I couldn’t pick up my phone and text you back for two weeks” or “Work was just so stressful.”

But what our coaching clients ended up discovering, in the end, was that there was more to their partner’s silence than just their excuses.

For example, sure he was depressed, but he also went on a bender. He’s been struggling with an alcohol addiction for years, and this was just one of his episodes.

Prolonged periods of silence (longer than a week) are suspicious. So it’s important to take this into consideration.

He Might Also Be Too Emotionally Unavailable for Any Serious Commitment

The last big reason why a man might go days without talking to you have to do with his emotional availability. There are guys out there who consider themselves lone wolves and want it to stay this way.

Maybe they come out of their shell for a few days, a week or a month, only to withdraw again. They’re used to their loneliness and consider it to be freedom.

So much so, they might not even miss you, and that’s why they can stay silent for so long.

You don’t need to keep on chasing after someone who is unavailable.

You’ll be significantly better off finding a guy that is actually seeking to connect and build a happy relationship.

What To Do When He Is Not Talking To You?

First thing you want to do when a guy is not talking is to stop seeking fault with yourself. His silence has much more to do with him than it does with you.

So don’t go panicking, it will only make things worse.

Keep in mind, if he cares, he will reach out.

You can also try to indirectly get his attention by posting something sexy or something you know that he will like.

Take your time evaluating which reasons fit your case best and develop your strategy accordingly.

And if you need more help getting your partner to make more effort, we can support you with this in a coaching call.

Here, we’ll listen and help you figure out what’s really going on with him. We’ll then give you actionable tips on what to say, do, post or text him to capture his interest and get him to chase you more.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

And if you can’t take his silence anymore and are considering just reaching out, be sure to check out my other post: Should I Text Him First or Not? What Will Happen if You Don’t

Thank you for reading! In case you have any questions, leave them in the comments section, and I’ll get back to you!


Is He Using Me? 7 Warning Signs to Watch Out For

Is He Using Me? 7 Warning Signs to Watch Out For

Photo by Molnár Bálint

How do you know when a guy is using you? Giving and taking is a normal part of any relationship. And it doesn’t always need to be equal.

There are always times when one of you is struggling and needs more help than the other. There are also things you might be better at providing than he is.

And vice versa, he can likely give you other things that come easier to him.

However, if you’re questioning if a guy is using you, then chances are that the scales of giving and taking fell out of balance for you in your relationship lately.

Maybe he has been dragging his feet and making you do all the work. Or he made you feel like he just doesn’t care if you’re even there or not.

Realizing that you’re being used by a man is always tough.

In this blog post, I’ll help you know for sure what’s going on. I will list seven warning signs to watch out for, and then give you tips on what to do when a guy is just using you.

1. He Is Very Inconsistent

One of the biggest signs that a man is using you is when his behavior towards you is extremely inconsistent.

He fluctuates between needing space and not responding, and being sweet, charming, showering you with compliments or even gifts.

This is a tough one to notice, because you have no reason not to trust him, and he likely comes up with some good excuses and then softens you with his charm.

I want to share a story with you guys about this sign. This is something that happened to a coaching client of ours.

She was dating a guy who would straight up vanish. He would ask for space and stop responding, only to come back a few dates later, acting in the sweetest of ways and showering her with compliments.

This kept on happening until she found out he had a drinking problem. But once she confronted him about it, he just left for good.

It is normal for men to ask for space. Ironically, it’s him making it up to you by being EXTRA NICE that you want to watch out for.

When a guy’s behavior towards you is so inconsistent, it’s because he is hiding something. He is not being honest with you and is consequently using you either only emotionally, but possibly also pragmatically (for money, stability etc.).

2. He Only Makes an Effort When He Needs Something From You

Another big warning sign that a man might be manipulating you and using you is when he only makes an effort shortly before asking for things.

It can be something as trivial as him needing to use your car or asking you to take care of his kid or pet on the weekend.

But he can also use you emotionally this way. A sign of this is when a guy is only nice and attentive when he needs you to build him up, reassure him or comfort him.

It’s perfectly normal to exchange these kinds of favors in a healthy relationship.

But if his moments of need are the ONLY times when he gives you his attention and makes an effort for you, then he is not serious and doesn’t really care about you.

3. There Is a Double Standard in Your Relationship

Another common sign that a man is using you is when there is a serious double standard in your relationship. This means that he can get away with doing the exact same things he then blames you for.

For example: he might flirt with other women and stay in touch with all of his exes. While, when he finds out you had lunch with a male coworker, he flips out and accuses you of hiding things from him.

This can also happen in purely emotional context.

Another example of this kind of double standard would be that it’s ok for a guy to be depressed and spend countless hours gaming.

But when you’re feeling down and, e.g., stop putting effort into your appearance, he will make snipe remarks and tell you to get it together.

Double standards are not only utterly unfair. They’re also a sign of immaturity and a lack of self awareness. Even if he genuinely believes, he does nothing wrong, a guy who does this to you will continue using you as long as you let him.

4. He Doesn’t Keep His Promises

Another warning sign that a man might be using you is when he keeps on breaking his promises. Again, it’s normal to forget something now and then or to overestimate yourself and then back out of things last minute.

It can happen once or twice, but this needs to be the exception and not the rule in your relationship.

No matter how justified his excuses might seem to you, if the man you’re dating doesn’t keep his word, he is not serious about you.

If he truly loved you, he would make an effort and prove it to you.

5. He Is Playing Power Games

Another common but often overlooked sign that a man is using you is that he keeps on playing power games with you. This one is so hard to spot because most of us are blind to this kind of tricks.

To shed some light on this topic, here are a few examples of power games men play:

  • Sending one word replies
  • Taking forever to get back to you
  • Leaving you on ‘read’ for hours and then suddenly writing you back
  • Being hot and cold
  • Making jokes at your expense
  • Intentionally leaving you hanging in conversations

These are just a few examples, but there is really much more to it. In the pickup communities, some men actively learn how to manipulate women this way. This is one of the things players do, to get you to fall for them and chase them.

But in the context of a relationship, power games mean that he is going to actively seek to establish control over you in subtle, seemingly playful ways.

A lot of guys who do this doesn’t actually realize it. They’re just insecure and this is their defense mechanism.

A man who plays power games with you might be using you.

But he might also be seeking to maintain a kind of control and power over you because he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

6. He Is Quick to Blame You When Something Doesn’t Suit Him

A man who is using you will do everything in his power to take as much as he can while only putting in the bare minimum effort.

This is why another warning sign to watch out for is when he is quick to blame you when you’re needing something from him.

One way this could play out is: you’re feeling neglected and want him to pay attention to you. But the moment you express it, he will accuse you of being needy or controlling.

The thing to look out for here is when he dismisses you or blames you for expressing your needs.

Don’t get me wrong, we all have our triggers.

All men get defensive when you tell them how you feel SOMETIMES. But again, when this is the rule and not an exception in your relationship, watch out, because he might be using you!

7. You Have to Chase Him for Everything

Last but not least, a guy who is using you will make you chase him for almost everything.

He will do so by remaining unattainable, but continuously giving you a sense of hope at the same time.

This how he will try to get out of having any sense of responsibility in the relationship, while ensuring that you don’t give up on him and move on.

So you will have to chase him to, say, give you an answer about his weekend plans. Because, on one hand, he hinted that he missed you, but he also didn’t give you a definitive answer when you asked if he will come over or not.

Another classic area where guys can use women this way is when it comes to commitment. He will hint at it, but never actually explicitly state that he wants to be together.

If this happens to you, watch out because it’s possible that he likes you, but doesn’t want a relationship with you.

How to Know if a Guy Is Using You or Likes You

Knowing if a guy is just using you or if he actually likes you is often easier said than done. So don’t beat yourself up about missing the signs and letting him get away with it.

The truth is, we all use each other in relationships to a greater or lesser degree.

As long as the exchange seems fair, that he is using you just as much as you’re using him, you don’t need to worry about it too much. You can both work on fixing this together!

However, if two or more of the above-mentioned signs fit your case, and you’ve been drained and are tired of begging for attention in your relationship, consider that it’s time to do something about it.

Because he most likely is using you.

However, if you confront him about it, and he does genuinely like you, he will make an effort to correct his behavior!

What Do You Do When a Guy Is Just Using You

When a guy is using you, the only way to test how he truly feels about you is to stand up to him and start setting boundaries.

If he has been unintentionally acting this way, he might still rebel initially. But eventually, he will be willing to accept that the rules have changed.

He will step up his game and make things work.

But if you standing up to him only makes him more distant and unavailable, then there isn’t much you can do about it.

It takes two to build a happy relationship, and if he isn’t willing to play his part, you can’t force him to do so.

Maybe he just isn’t mature enough to give you what you need and deserve.

If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to stand up for yourself and set boundaries with a man, this is something we cover in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.

Here we teach women why it can be so difficult to stand your ground and how to overcome it.

We also give you tips on what to say and do to make it clear to him that you won’t let him use you anymore.

Click here to Check out Rebuild Your Relationship

A lot of our clients who struggle with men using them have a hard time putting their guard up and taking things slow in a relationship. If this is you, check out my other post: “Why Do I Get Attached So Easily?” – Learn to Guard Your Heart

Thank you for reading, if you’re still unsure if he is using you or not, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.


10 Confusing Signs He Doesn’t Want Anyone Else to Have You

10 Confusing Signs He Doesn’t Want Anyone Else to Have You

Photo by Helmy Zairy

Dating a man who doesn’t want anyone else to have you but won’t admit it, can be very confusing.

One day, you can be over the moon about something he said or did. Only to have him tear it all down, as though he didn’t care about you at all!

I have experienced this kind of emotional roller coaster myself. My then boyfriend and now husband used to be an avoidant who struggled with commitment issues.

Because of that, he would bombard me with mixed messages that were impossible to decipher at the time.

On one hand, it seemed like he was very much in love with me. But then he would pull away or say things like “You’re better off without me.”, which made me worry that he wasn’t really attached and would eventually leave.

A guy who doesn’t want anyone else to have you will give you just the right amount of encouragement to make sure that you continue chasing him.

But at the same time, he will remain doubtful and undecided as long as you let him!

In this blog post, I’ll help you recognize the signs that you might be stuck in this very situation. I’ll then give you tips on what to do to motivate him to finally make up his mind and openly commit.

1. He Makes an Effort to Impress You

One of the most obvious signs that a man doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he keeps on trying to impress you over and over again.

He might do so by taking you out to fancy or expensive places. By cooking elaborate dishes, showing off his skills or strength etc. The possibilities are endless.

What makes this sign confusing is that he might be playing it cool while doing this.

Some guys will say that it’s nothing, they do it every time, or that it’s not a big deal.

But don’t let him fool you.

He is trying to impress you so that you view him as the best possible catch because deep down he is attached and this is his way of making sure he can dominate all potential competition.

2. He Comes Back After Pulling Away

It’s not uncommon for guys to distance themselves or ask for space when you’re dating them or even in a relationship.

There are many reasons why men pull away. But, regardless of why he might be acting this way, observing the patterns in his behavior alone, can tell you a lot about whether he is actually emotionally attached or not.

The biggest sign that a man doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he consistently keeps on coming back after pulling away.

He is comfortable with distance, but only as long as he can be sure that he is in control of the situation.

In reality, he is emotionally attached and wants to keep you in his life.

So when he senses that the connection might be beginning to fade, he will come back to rekindle the flame between you and make sure that you remain hooked.

3. He Is Kind and Considerate

There is nothing more confusing than a guy doing something incredibly considerate and caring and then claiming that it’s no big deal, and he would do it for anyone.

This might include him taking care of you when you’re sick, getting you groceries, helping out at the house, being there for you emotionally, being supportive etc.

Make no mistake, it’s not that you’re not special to him…

He is playing things down because he is having a hard time admitting (even to himself) that he is slowly falling for you.

When a guy is considerate or caring towards you, it’s a definite sign that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

4. He Opens up to You

A guy who opens up to you and lets himself be vulnerable around you will inevitably end up getting attached.

Him opening up is a sign that he trusts you more now. Because of this, he most certainly doesn’t want anyone else to have you, even if he claims otherwise and keeps on stalling commitment.

This is particularly common when you’re dating an avoidant. They’re the type to open up emotionally but play distant and refuse to chase you, no matter what.

5. He Answers Fast

Another easy to spot sign that a guy genuinely cares about you and wants to keep you all to himself, is when he answers your texts almost right away.

What’s more, him doing it most likely means he has been waiting for you to reach out.

Quite a few of our female coaching clients struggle with initiating contact. So if you’ve never tested this, now might be the time to do it.

It is perfectly normal for a girl to text a guy first!

And a man who responds right away definitely has a crush on you and doesn’t want anyone else to have you!

6. He Initiates Contact at Least as Much as You Do

This is a similar point to my previous one. When a guy matches or exceeds your efforts at initiating contact, it’s a sign he is genuinely interested and enjoys interacting with you.

We are all territorial and jealous, no matter what we claim. It’s just human nature.

So, just based on his interest alone, you can be sure that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

7. He Wards off Any Serious Competition

A common confusing move some guys like to pull is being all nonchalant about commitment, but then acting territorial when other guys are around.

They might tag along with you to parties or ‘accidentally’ bump into you there.

Only to make things more confusing, they’ll then get chatty and become best buds with your other male friends.

When this happens, make no mistake. It’s not a coincidence.

A guy does this to scope out all the competition and communicate to them that you are taken.

It’s not just a sign, but pretty much proof that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

8. He Isn’t Seeing Other People

Another common confusing situation so many of our coaching clients end up in is when a guy refuses to be in a relationship with you, but he isn’t seeing anyone else.

This kind of “unofficial” commitment is a sign you might be loving someone with an avoidant attachment style.

He is too doubtful or afraid to commit, but hopes that you’ll read between the lines and follow suit.

He likely will not dare to admit this, but deep down he is very much attached and doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

9. He Is Affectionate or Intimate With You

Surprisingly, some guys will have an easier time expressing their love for you through affection or intimacy, than with words.

They’ll be gentle, slow, playful, and vulnerable while kissing you or even in bed.

When a guy lets himself go there with you, it’s a sign he is opening himself up to you on a deeper level.

Even if he is hesitant with commitment, he is most certainly attached and doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

Yes, a man can sleep with a woman without developing feelings, but you’re not going to experience much intimacy or affection when this is the case.

10. He Says You’d Be Better off With Somebody Else

Last but not least, the most confusing of all the signs that a guy doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he says that you’d be better off with somebody else.

Other variations of this are: “You’re better off without me.”, “You deserve better.” etc.

I know this might seem completely counterintuitive, but nobody EVER says something like this and actually means it.

He is just being emotional.

A guy who says something like this is so afraid of being abandoned, he is speaking his biggest fears out loud in the hopes that it’ll make them less painful or scary.

What he wants you to respond to this, is: “But I don’t want anyone else, I want YOU.”

He is basically indirectly asking you for reassurance that you care about him and won’t give up on him, even when he is struggling, being difficult or needs a relationship break.

I know for you, it might be heartbreaking to hear him say something like this, but you have to see through him and read between the lines.

Guys sabotage relationships too!

How to Get Him to Show You That He Actually Cares

In order to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you require much more than just signs that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.

You likely need him to SHOW you that he cares, is emotionally attached and wants to be exclusive.

There are two things you can do to make this happen.

On one hand, you can call his bluff by distancing yourself a little, acting as detached as he does etc.

You pulling away this way will give him a reason to need commitment.

But you have to be careful with this approach. Pushing him away and distance doesn’t always work. It can sometimes even do more damage than good.

This is where the second strategy comes into play.

Another way to get a guy to show you that he is emotionally attached is to make room for him to express his fear and doubts.

Let him talk about why he is hesitant and what he is hesitant about.

If you’re struggling with getting a guy to openly commit to you, I can support you with that in a coaching call.

Here, I’d carefully listen and help you make sense of all the confusing signs he might be bombarding you with.

I’ll also help you decide which of the above-mentioned approaches fits your situation better and give you tips on how to implement it.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

I hope you now know how to tell when a guy doesn’t want anyone else to have you. To find more tips on how to get a guy to show you that he cares, check out my husband’s post: 4 Steps to Make Him Worry About Losing You

Thank you for reading! If you’re unsure about any of the signs, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.


17 Subtle Signs He Is Slowly Falling For You

17 Subtle Signs He Is Slowly Falling For You

Photo by Melissa Mjoen

How do you tell if a guy is slowly falling for you?

Dating can be extremely confusing at times. Men are rarely transparent about their feelings.

What’s more, they can do and say really sweet things only to then back out of it and pull away!

This inevitably leaves you wondering “Is he really catching feelings for me or am I just imagining it?”

In this blog post, I will list all the most important signs that he is slowly falling for you in chronological order.

I’ll start off with how to recognize when he is starting to develop feelings, all the way to how to know when he is falling deeply in love with you.

This way, you can know for sure where his heart is truly at in all stages of dating and a relationship.

1. He Initiates Contact

One of the earliest signs that a guy is catching feelings for you is when he initiates contact with you on a regular basis.

This means that he writes to you first, at least as much as you do.

He might do it over text, dms, snap chat or by calling you. The platform doesn’t matter here, it’s all about him regularly taking the initiative and making the first move.

A guy who initiates contact with you clearly enjoys interacting with you and will most likely want to take things further soon, because he is catching feelings for you.

2. He Asks You Personal Questions

A guy who is slowly falling for you will make an effort to get to know you better.

He will ask you personal questions about your passions, hobbies, plans for the future, likes, dislikes etc.

And he’ll do it because he longs to understand you and feel closer to you.

He will also want to make sure you guys are a good match and could be happy together.

It’s a definite sign he is catching feelings that you can look out for even in the early dating stages.

3. He Arranges to See you

On top of initiating contact and making an effort to get to know you, another early sign that he is slowly falling for you is him arranging to see you.

He might do it by asking you out or by finding reasons for you guys to hang out together.

And if you’re in a long distance relationship, he will either come visit you, suggest that you visit each other in turns or plan for you guys to meet halfway.

If he keeps on arranging to spend time with you, he clearly deeply enjoys it and is definitely catching feelings for you.

4. He Tries to Impress You

Men like to impress everybody around them. However, when a guy is trying EXTRA HARD to make an impression on you, consider it one of these weird things guys do when they’re catching feelings for someone.

He might do it by showing off his knowledge, his gadgets, taking you out to a fancy place, getting expensive tickets etc.

Think about it, someone who is trying this hard to make you consider him a good catch is definitely slowly falling for you!

5. He Is Eager to Help You Out

Men like to feel needed and like they’re good providers. Some guys will express their feelings for you through being helpful with pragmatics.

They will offer to carry things for you, fix your computer or other things at your house, help you study, pick a phone for you, take care of your car etc.

(This is particularly true when you’re dating someone with avoidant attachment. They have a much easier time communicating things with actions rather than words.)

When a guy you’re seeing is very eager to help you out in whichever way he can, consider it a definite sign he is catching feelings for you and is trying to make sure that you fall for him too.

6. He Texts You Every Day, or Every Other Day

A guy who texts you every day, or every other day, is definitely slowly falling for you.

Maybe he likes to make sure that you keep on waking up to a good morning text from him, he is sharing funny memes with you, or he simply inquires how your day is going.

Someone who gives you this much attention is clearly thinking of you a lot.

It’s a sign that he is catching feelings for you and can’t have enough of you.

7. He Is Happy to Find Out When You Have Something in Common

This is a subtle, easy to miss sign.

Did the guy you’re seeing get excited when he discovered that you two have something in common?

For example: that you like the same band, share a hobby, have the same views on a topic etc.

Maybe it puzzled you and made you wonder: “Why would this little things make him so happy?”

He is excited about having something in common with you because it makes you two a good match.

It’s a sign he is invested and wants things to work out between the two of you.

Because he is definitely falling for you harder and harder.

8. He Plans Elaborate Dates

When a guy makes a lot of effort to really sweep you off your feet, it’s a definite sign he is trying really hard to get you to fall in love with him.

He’ll plan elaborate or creative dates with a long itinerary of things to do and places to visit.

Like going to a museum, concert, or theater followed by dinner at a special restaurant and drinks.

Know that it actually takes a lot of research and hours to make that kind of plan, get the tickets and make all the necessary reservations.

Someone who puts this much effort to make sure you have a good time, is definitely catching deep feelings and falling for you.

9. He Spends More and More Time with You

Another undeniable sign that he is slowly falling for you is when a guy keeps on arranging to spend more and more time with you.

You might start off by seeing each other for a date, but that date might turn into a conversation that lasts hours. And afterwards, he still might want to see you on the next day!

Someone, who is wanting to spend increasingly more and more time with you, is doing it because he simply cannot have enough of you.

He is most certainly catching stronger and stronger feelings for you.

10. He Is Affectionate

When a guy you’re with enjoys affection, snuggling, kissing, massaging, etc., it’s because he likes feeling close to you.

He pulls you close and holds your hand. He tucks your hair behind your ear before kissing you and enjoys receiving affection from you too.

It’s a definite sign that he’s emotionally invested, that he is slowly falling for you and craving more and more closeness.

11. He Wants You to Stay Over

A guy who wants you to stay over after being intimate clearly has a hard time parting with you.

Yes, men can have sex without developing feelings, but when he is insisting that you stay over afterwards, that’s a sign it’s been more to him than just that.

He clearly enjoyed the closeness of intimacy and doesn’t want it to end. So he’ll try to convince you to stay as long as you can.

A guy who does this is most certainly catching feelings and falling for you.

12. He Has a Hard Time Letting You Go, in General

Have you guys ever tried saying goodbye after a date, only to have it turn into another conversation? Or him pulling you close and starting to passionately kiss you?

Maybe he suddenly remembered a good excuse as to why you shouldn’t part ways just yet.

Like that he needs something from you or has something he wants to give you.

And if you’re in a long distance relationship, it might feel like he is intentionally stalling, almost wanting one of you to miss your flight or train.

When a guy has a hard time letting go of you, it’s a definite sign he is slowly falling for you and catching strong feelings.

13. He Lets You Wear and Keep His Clothes

Another common sign that a guy is slowly falling for you is when he lets you wear and keep his clothes.

Plenty of girls love wearing oversized hoodies, they’re just so comfy and warm. Or wearing your boyfriend’s t-shirts.

It’s almost as though you’re having him hug you all day or all night long.

When a guy lets you wear and even keep some of his clothes, it’s because he is enjoying being able to provide you with this kind of comfort.

He’s willing to share things with you because he trusts you. It creates a kind of bond between the two of you.

Maybe this is a bit of a weird one, but it’s a definite subtle sign that he is slowly falling for you and that things are getting serious.

14. He Makes Room for Your Things at His Place

Just like with letting you wear and keep his clothes, making room for you at his place is a sign of trust.

Even if it’s only one dedicated drawer or cupboard, he is actively creating space for you in his life. And that’s a big deal!

He is most definitely slowly falling in love with you, for him to be willing to take this step.

15. He Brings up Vulnerable Topics

Being vulnerable and opening up to someone also takes trust. Talking about your past, things that hurt you, your own fears and doubts can be risky.

After all, you have to be certain that the other person will not judge you or misuse this information.

(This is why it actually takes time to overcome trust issues in a new relationship).

When a guy actually opens up to you and is willing to discuss vulnerable topics, it’s a big deal.

He is letting you in emotionally because he is catching feelings! It’s a definite sign that he is falling in love with you.

16. He Talks about His Plans for the Future

When a guy you’re dating starts discussing his plans for the future with you, consider it an important event.

Even if he is not directly including you in them, or making his plans around you.

Regardless of what his plans are, him bringing up this topic in itself is proof that he is thinking about making things work with you in the long term.

Maybe he is checking how compatible you are. Or trying to find common ground, so that you can both have a life that you want and enjoy.

He clearly wants you to play a part in his future, this is why he is bringing it up.

Take it as a sign that he is slowly falling for you and that your relationship is becoming more and more serious.

17. He Is Considerate and Caring

Last but not least, another definite sign that a man is falling deeply for you is when he is considerate and caring towards you.

He might go out of his way to make sure that you’re comfortable and happy, by checking in with you, doing things for you, reassuring you, etc.

A man who does these kinds of things is a great catch!

Also, him doing it is a definite sign he is emotionally invested and is falling in love with you.

How Long Does It Take for a Guy to Fall For You?

How long it takes for a guy to catch feelings and for those feelings to then turn into something more mature and serious entirely depends on his character.

Some men are easy going and ready to connect, while others are more distrustful and will need a longer time to get there.

That being said, we are all not THAT different…

A guy can develop a crush on a girl the first time he sees her or interacts with her.

But in order to actually start catching feelings, he needs to get to know her first.

It’s reasonable to expect that within the first two or three months of you guys interacting on a semiregular basis, he will start slowly falling for you.

When it comes to falling in love, it’s an even longer journey.

Research has found that on average, it takes about three months of being together for a guy to say “I love you” to his partner.

However, if you’ve been talking with a guy for longer than two or three months, and he is just continuously friend zoning you, consider it a warning sign.

Talking stage cannot last forever. At this point he is likely just being polite or stringing you along…

When this is the case, there is no point waiting for him to catch feelings any longer, because it will likely never happen.

How Does a Man Act When He’s Falling in Love?

“We are all fools in love.”

This is a quote by Jane Austen from her most popular book: “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s a very keen and valid description of how men act when they’re falling for you.

Catching feelings for someone is exhilarating, but also scary and vulnerable.

This is why a man can act in most contradictory ways in the early stages of a relationship.

He can sweep you off your feet with the craziest of romantic gestures, only to ask for space a few days or a week later.

Or insist that you stay over and keep you at his place for a few days, only to suddenly become less communicative and more distant.

These kinds of inconsistencies are particularly common when he is fighting his feelings for you.

This is why you need to learn to keep your cool and read between the lines. Don’t expect him to know exactly what he wants and have everything figured out.

Men like to pretend that they know what they’re doing, and this is where a lot of confusion then comes from…

…because they can be just as scared, doubtful and insecure as us women are.

If you want to know for sure if he truly cares about you, check out: 9 Signs of True Love from a Man

And if you need help navigating your confusing love life, I can help you with that in a coaching call.

Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you identify why things might not be working out the way you want them to be.

I’ll also give you tips on how to come across as high value and confident, so that you can get the guy you like to fall in love and commit to you.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions about any of the signs, leave me a comment down below, and I’ll get back to you.


9 Signs He Likes You but Doesn’t Want a Relationship With You

9 Signs He Likes You but Doesn’t Want a Relationship With You

Photo by Jessica Ticozzelli

How can you tell when a guy likes you but doesn’t want a relationship with you?

Recognizing the signs that he isn’t really serious about you is often easier said than done!

Guys who are afraid of commitment or simply undecided often do everything in their power to keep all of their options open.

This is why they’ll put in just the right amount of effort to ensure that you keep on chasing them.

But at the same time, they’ll make sure to dodge all uncomfortable questions and never give you the stability and security you’re craving from them.

Being stuck chasing someone and endlessly second guessing what their true intentions are, is exhausting!

You deserve to know for sure where he truly stands, so that you can make up your mind and not let him string you along forever.

There are guys out there who will never settle down. Trying to get them to do it a waste of breath.

At the same time, some men actually need their significant other to stand up to them in order to get them to snap out of their own indecision and realize their true feelings for you.

In this article, I’ll explain why a guy might keep you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

I’ll list the signs that he is not serious about you and give you tips on what to do, to give him one final chance to finally come around and commit.

When a Guy Has Feelings but Doesn’t Want a Relationship

Yes, it sometimes happens that a guy who actually likes you and has genuine feelings for you still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you!

This makes an already complicated situation all the more confusing.

If this is the case with you two, then you’re likely thinking:

“If he does care for me, why doesn’t he want to be together? Why am I chasing him for something that he himself should want?”

The thing about being in a committed relationship is that it requires a certain degree of maturity.

It can be scary to open up and let another person actually become a part of your life. You also have to be willing to take responsibility and commit to making things work in the long term.

Some men are simply not there yet.

They’re either too immature or too emotionally unavailable to take this step.

For you, love and commitment likely go hand in hand.

For them, it does not!

This is why a guy might want to keep you around, even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.

He probably likes you and enjoys spending time with you. But he doesn’t want to let you get closer and will never be able to give you any guarantees.

He is happy with how things are and feels safe and secure enough as it is.

He might keep you waiting FOREVER, because he doesn’t need or even want to move things forward.

9 Signs He Doesn’t Want a Relationship With You

The key to recognizing when a guy doesn’t want a relationship with you is that it has less to do with you and almost everything to do with him.

It’s not you who is doing something wrong here…

He is the one who is stringing you along and giving you false hopes, without ever making you feel safe and secure.

Doesn’t matter how hard you try to come his way, it doesn’t make a difference.

Because he is just either too immature or too emotionally unavailable to be in a long term relationship.

Here are the signs that he is not serious -not just about you, but about commitment in general:

1. He Is Distant and Secretive

The telltale sign of a guy who is emotionally unavailable and might be completely incapable of being in a committed relationship is that he will keep you at arms length at all times.

He might be so afraid of letting someone get close to him, he will avoid sharing any personal information and showing vulnerability altogether.

You can get a distant man to open up, but for it to happen, he must be willing to let you in at least a little.

But, if even after spending a lot of time with him, you feel like you don’t actually know him, consider it a sign that he is just too emotionally unavailable and doesn’t actually want a relationship with you.

2. He Is Very Unreliable

Being in a committed relationship requires both parties to be there for each other.

Of course, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and let our significant other down sometimes.

But if a guy you’re dating keeps on arriving hours late, constantly cancels last minute or even ghosts you every now and then, that’s a definite sign he is just too immature to actually be serious about you.

You can’t hope to build a future with someone you can’t rely on.

If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have tried harder.

3. He Hardly Ever Initiates

Another typical sign that a man might like you, but doesn’t actually want a relationship with you, is when he hardly ever makes the first move.

You’re the one who starts texting him and you’re the one who arranges to meet, too.

Once you’re together, things might feel great, though!

This is why you suspect that he does actually like you. BUT it’s always up to you to make things happen.

Maybe you even fear that, if you didn’t initiate, you’d never hear from him again.

Even if deep down you believe that he does care and wants you…

If he never initiates, it’s a sign that he just isn’t serious enough and is not boyfriend or husband material.

You deserve better!

4. He Isn’t Willing to Put in Any Effort

No matter how perfect you might be for each other, being in a committed relationship takes work.

Both of you have to be willing to come each other’s way and put in an equal amount of effort.

But there are men out there who will let you do all the work for them without ever returning the gesture!

You might have experienced some of these with him:

  • Are you the one who has to always come over to his place?
  • Do you keep on watching movies or shows he is interested in?
  • When you’re together, you’re only doing things he likes or wants to be doing?

Maybe things didn’t start out this way, but now you’re so tired of begging him for attention, you just give in and do what he wants instead.

If you keep on putting in a lot of effort without him ever coming your way, consider it a warning sign:

He might be too self-important and self-absorbed to be serious boyfriend or husband material.

Even if he likes you, maybe he is just too immature to want to be in a serious relationship with you.

Keep in mind, a guy who truly loved you, would never treat you this way!

5. He Stops Responding When the Conversation Gets Uncomfortable for Him

A guy, who wants to keep you around but doesn’t actually want a relationship with you, will always try to avoid showing you his true colors.

Because he knows that if you saw through him, you’d just leave.

This is why he is keeping things vague on purpose.

He likes having you chase him, it flatters his ego. It might even make him feel safe and less alone.

This is why he will try to wiggle his way out of any situation that might threaten the status quo.

The best and easiest way for him to do this is by simply ignoring the things you say or write that are uncomfortable for him.

Keep in mind, no response is in fact a response.

A guy who just goes silent when you’re confronting him about something, likely is not serious about you and doesn’t really want to be in a relationship.

6. He Keeps You Separate From His Friends and Family

Another classic sign that a man you’re into might just be too emotionally unavailable for any serious commitment is if he keeps you separate from his friends or family.

Some people are comfortable introducing their significant other to their loved ones right away. Others might need a few months before they are ready to take this step.

It takes time to overcome trust issues in a new relationship.

But if you two have been dating for half a year or longer, and you have been kept completely separated from all the other important people in his life…

Consider it a warning sign that he might be too mistrustful or guarded, to actually let you in and want a committed relationship with you.

7. He Blames You for Needing Basic Things From Him

A man who likes you and wants to keep you around but doesn’t want a relationship with you, will try to avoid taking responsibility as much as he can.

When you ask him for basic things, he isn’t willing to give, he will turn things around and try to make you feel guilty for needing anything from him at all.

He’ll make you feel as though you’re being unreasonable, needy or controlling.

When what you’re asking for are just basic things anybody needs like checking in with you, asking you out, reassuring you and showing you that he cares, texting first, trying to be on time etc.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not uncommon for men to get defensive when you tell them how you feel.

But someone who is serious about you, will make an effort to give you what you want, to whatever degree he can.

But if a guy you’re dating isn’t willing to come your way one little bit and keeps on blaming you for having any needs or demands at all, take it as a sign that he is likely too immature for serious commitment and doesn’t really want a relationship with you.

He is happy just taking and doesn’t want anything about that to change.

8. He Needs So Much Space, You’re Hardly Ever Together

It’s normal and healthy to need space from each other every now and then.

Especially when you’re still a fresh couple and your lives are very separate.

It’s also common for men to keep on pulling away from women they love, to test them and to test their patience…

It’s one thing to need space for one week in a month. Or even to spend as much time apart as you do talking to each other.

But if the guy you’re with pulls away so often and for long and you feel like you’re hardly ever together, it’s a sign he is likely very detached and emotionally unavailable.

So much so, he might just be too scared of closeness, to be able to build a stable relationship.

Even if he likes you a lot, he may still not want to be committed to you, because it’s just too much for him.

9. He Wants to Keep Things Undefined for Months on End

People rarely jump into defining their relationship right when they start dating each other.

It’s normal to need a few weeks or even a month or two before you start discussing commitment.

When my husband and I started dating, it took us about a month to become officially exclusive.

And we know from some of our coaching clients that they can need even longer before they’re ready to take this step.

It’s all well and good to take things slow. There should be a limit of how long you’re willing to wait for him to make up his mind, though.

Because a guy who wants to keep you around without being in a relationship with you, can try to drag this on forever.

Several months will pass, and he will continue needing things to be undefined.

If it’s been half a year or more, and you still never had the: “What are we?” conversation, it’s a definite sign that the guy you’re dating isn’t really serious about you.

For all you know, he might even be a player, purposely avoiding explicitly stating he is in a relationship with you, so that he can continue seeing other people behind your back…

How to Know for Sure That He Doesn’t Want a Relationship With You

One way you can know for sure that a guy, who likes you, doesn’t actually want a relationship with you is by putting him to a test.

But for you to be willing to take this step, you have to be ready to face the truth of where his feelings truly lie.

This is the tricky part.

It’s often easier to keep on chasing him and excusing him over and over, then face the fact that maybe this is just not meant to be.

As hard as it might be to let go, holding on forever is going to be even more painful for you.

Because the guy who doesn’t want a relationship with you will never give you a sense of stability and security everybody needs and craves.

And the truth is, you deserve BETTER!

This is why you need to put him through one final test.

It’ll be his last chance to prove to you if he is in fact serious or not.

Tell him once again where you’re at and what you need from him, and then stop all your efforts until he responds.

If he cares about you enough, he will get the message, cave in and give you what you want.

But if he just does nothing, then you’ll have your answer.

If you need more help getting yourself to feel ready, to put him through a test, this is something we can support with in a Coaching Call.

Here we will listen to you and empathize, so that you feel less alone with your situation.

We will then help you see things for what they are. This way you’ll be able to stand up to him, in a way that will have the highest of chances, of actually getting him to come around!

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

If after reading all of this, you still feeling increasingly frustrated with how he has been treating you lately, check out my other post:

When Is Enough Enough? How to Know When to Give Up and Let Go

Thank you for reading! I hope you have more clarity now about why guys might keep you around when they don’t want a relationship with you.

If you have any question about any of the signs listed above, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.