How do you know when a guy is using you? Giving and taking is a normal part of any relationship. And it doesn’t always need to be equal.
There are always times when one of you is struggling and needs more help than the other. There are also things you might be better at providing than he is.
And vice versa, he can likely give you other things that come easier to him.
However, if you’re questioning if a guy is using you, then chances are that the scales of giving and taking fell out of balance for you in your relationship lately.
Maybe he has been dragging his feet and making you do all the work. Or he made you feel like he just doesn’t care if you’re even there or not.
Realizing that you’re being used by a man is always tough.
In this blog post, I’ll help you know for sure what’s going on. I will list seven warning signs to watch out for, and then give you tips on what to do when a guy is just using you.
1. He Is Very Inconsistent
One of the biggest signs that a man is using you is when his behavior towards you is extremely inconsistent.
He fluctuates between needing space and not responding, and being sweet, charming, showering you with compliments or even gifts.
This is a tough one to notice, because you have no reason not to trust him, and he likely comes up with some good excuses and then softens you with his charm.
I want to share a story with you guys about this sign. This is something that happened to a coaching client of ours.
She was dating a guy who would straight up vanish. He would ask for space and stop responding, only to come back a few dates later, acting in the sweetest of ways and showering her with compliments.
This kept on happening until she found out he had a drinking problem. But once she confronted him about it, he just left for good.
When a guy’s behavior towards you is so inconsistent, it’s because he is hiding something. He is not being honest with you and is consequently using you either only emotionally, but possibly also pragmatically (for money, stability etc.).
2. He Only Makes an Effort When He Needs Something From You
Another big warning sign that a man might be manipulating you and using you is when he only makes an effort shortly before asking for things.
It can be something as trivial as him needing to use your car or asking you to take care of his kid or pet on the weekend.
But he can also use you emotionally this way. A sign of this is when a guy is only nice and attentive when he needs you to build him up, reassure him or comfort him.
It’s perfectly normal to exchange these kinds of favors in a healthy relationship.
But if his moments of need are the ONLY times when he gives you his attention and makes an effort for you, then he is not serious and doesn’t really care about you.
3. There Is a Double Standard in Your Relationship
Another common sign that a man is using you is when there is a serious double standard in your relationship. This means that he can get away with doing the exact same things he then blames you for.
For example: he might flirt with other women and stay in touch with all of his exes. While, when he finds out you had lunch with a male coworker, he flips out and accuses you of hiding things from him.
This can also happen in purely emotional context.
Another example of this kind of double standard would be that it’s ok for a guy to be depressed and spend countless hours gaming.
But when you’re feeling down and, e.g., stop putting effort into your appearance, he will make snipe remarks and tell you to get it together.
Double standards are not only utterly unfair. They’re also a sign of immaturity and a lack of self awareness. Even if he genuinely believes, he does nothing wrong, a guy who does this to you will continue using you as long as you let him.
4. He Doesn’t Keep His Promises
Another warning sign that a man might be using you is when he keeps on breaking his promises. Again, it’s normal to forget something now and then or to overestimate yourself and then back out of things last minute.
It can happen once or twice, but this needs to be the exception and not the rule in your relationship.
No matter how justified his excuses might seem to you, if the man you’re dating doesn’t keep his word, he is not serious about you.
Another common but often overlooked sign that a man is using you is that he keeps on playing power games with you. This one is so hard to spot because most of us are blind to this kind of tricks.
To shed some light on this topic, here are a few examples of power games men play:
Sending one word replies
Taking forever to get back to you
Leaving you on ‘read’ for hours and then suddenly writing you back
Being hot and cold
Making jokes at your expense
Intentionally leaving you hanging in conversations
These are just a few examples, but there is really much more to it. In the pickup communities, some men actively learn how to manipulate women this way. This is one of the things players do, to get you to fall for them and chase them.
But in the context of a relationship, power games mean that he is going to actively seek to establish control over you in subtle, seemingly playful ways.
A lot of guys who do this doesn’t actually realize it. They’re just insecure and this is their defense mechanism.
A man who plays power games with you might be using you.
6. He Is Quick to Blame You When Something Doesn’t Suit Him
A man who is using you will do everything in his power to take as much as he can while only putting in the bare minimum effort.
This is why another warning sign to watch out for is when he is quick to blame you when you’re needing something from him.
One way this could play out is: you’re feeling neglected and want him to pay attention to you. But the moment you express it, he will accuse you of being needy or controlling.
The thing to look out for here is when he dismisses you or blames you for expressing your needs.
Don’t get me wrong, we all have our triggers.
All men get defensive when you tell them how you feel SOMETIMES. But again, when this is the rule and not an exception in your relationship, watch out, because he might be using you!
7. You Have to Chase Him for Everything
Last but not least, a guy who is using you will make you chase him for almost everything.
He will do so by remaining unattainable, but continuously giving you a sense of hope at the same time.
This how he will try to get out of having any sense of responsibility in the relationship, while ensuring that you don’t give up on him and move on.
So you will have to chase him to, say, give you an answer about his weekend plans. Because, on one hand, he hinted that he missed you, but he also didn’t give you a definitive answer when you asked if he will come over or not.
Another classic area where guys can use women this way is when it comes to commitment. He will hint at it, but never actually explicitly state that he wants to be together.
Knowing if a guy is just using you or if he actually likes you is often easier said than done. So don’t beat yourself up about missing the signs and letting him get away with it.
The truth is, we all use each other in relationships to a greater or lesser degree.
As long as the exchange seems fair, that he is using you just as much as you’re using him, you don’t need to worry about it too much. You can both work on fixing this together!
However, if two or more of the above-mentioned signs fit your case, and you’ve been drained and are tired of begging for attention in your relationship, consider that it’s time to do something about it.
Because he most likely is using you.
However, if you confront him about it, and he does genuinely like you, he will make an effort to correct his behavior!
What Do You Do When a Guy Is Just Using You
When a guy is using you, the only way to test how he truly feels about you is to stand up to him and start setting boundaries.
If he has been unintentionally acting this way, he might still rebel initially. But eventually, he will be willing to accept that the rules have changed.
He will step up his game and make things work.
But if you standing up to him only makes him more distant and unavailable, then there isn’t much you can do about it.
It takes two to build a happy relationship, and if he isn’t willing to play his part, you can’t force him to do so.
Maybe he just isn’t mature enough to give you what you need and deserve.
If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to stand up for yourself and set boundaries with a man, this is something we cover in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here we teach women why it can be so difficult to stand your ground and how to overcome it.
We also give you tips on what to say and do to make it clear to him that you won’t let him use you anymore.
Dating a man who doesn’t want anyone else to have you but won’t admit it, can be very confusing.
One day, you can be over the moon about something he said or did. Only to have him tear it all down, as though he didn’t care about you at all!
I have experienced this kind of emotional roller coaster myself. My then boyfriend and now husband used to be an avoidant who struggled with commitment issues.
Because of that, he would bombard me with mixed messages that were impossible to decipher at the time.
On one hand, it seemed like he was very much in love with me. But then he would pull away or say things like “You’re better off without me.”, which made me worry that he wasn’t really attached and would eventually leave.
A guy who doesn’t want anyone else to have you will give you just the right amount of encouragement to make sure that you continue chasing him.
But at the same time, he will remain doubtful and undecided as long as you let him!
In this blog post, I’ll help you recognize the signs that you might be stuck in this very situation. I’ll then give you tips on what to do to motivate him to finally make up his mind and openly commit.
1. He Makes an Effort to Impress You
One of the most obvious signs that a man doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he keeps on trying to impress you over and over again.
He might do so by taking you out to fancy or expensive places. By cooking elaborate dishes, showing off his skills or strength etc. The possibilities are endless.
What makes this sign confusing is that he might be playing it cool while doing this.
Some guys will say that it’s nothing, they do it every time, or that it’s not a big deal.
But don’t let him fool you.
He is trying to impress you so that you view him as the best possible catch because deep down he is attached and this is his way of making sure he can dominate all potential competition.
2. He Comes Back After Pulling Away
It’s not uncommon for guys to distance themselves or ask for space when you’re dating them or even in a relationship.
There are many reasons why men pull away. But, regardless of why he might be acting this way, observing the patterns in his behavior alone, can tell you a lot about whether he is actually emotionally attached or not.
The biggest sign that a man doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he consistently keeps on coming back after pulling away.
He is comfortable with distance, but only as long as he can be sure that he is in control of the situation.
In reality, he is emotionally attached and wants to keep you in his life.
So when he senses that the connection might be beginning to fade, he will come back to rekindle the flame between you and make sure that you remain hooked.
3. He Is Kind and Considerate
There is nothing more confusing than a guy doing something incredibly considerate and caring and then claiming that it’s no big deal, and he would do it for anyone.
This might include him taking care of you when you’re sick, getting you groceries, helping out at the house, being there for you emotionally, being supportive etc.
Make no mistake, it’s not that you’re not special to him…
He is playing things down because he is having a hard time admitting (even to himself) that he is slowly falling for you.
When a guy is considerate or caring towards you, it’s a definite sign that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
4. He Opens up to You
A guy who opens up to you and lets himself be vulnerable around you will inevitably end up getting attached.
Him opening up is a sign that he trusts you more now. Because of this, he most certainly doesn’t want anyone else to have you, even if he claims otherwise and keeps on stalling commitment.
This is particularly common when you’re dating an avoidant. They’re the type to open up emotionally but play distant and refuse to chase you, no matter what.
5. He Answers Fast
Another easy to spot sign that a guy genuinely cares about you and wants to keep you all to himself, is when he answers your texts almost right away.
What’s more, him doing it most likely means he has been waiting for you to reach out.
Quite a few of our female coaching clients struggle with initiating contact. So if you’ve never tested this, now might be the time to do it.
And a man who responds right away definitely has a crush on you and doesn’t want anyone else to have you!
6. He Initiates Contact at Least as Much as You Do
This is a similar point to my previous one. When a guy matches or exceeds your efforts at initiating contact, it’s a sign he is genuinely interested and enjoys interacting with you.
We are all territorial and jealous, no matter what we claim. It’s just human nature.
So, just based on his interest alone, you can be sure that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
7. He Wards off Any Serious Competition
A common confusing move some guys like to pull is being all nonchalant about commitment, but then acting territorial when other guys are around.
They might tag along with you to parties or ‘accidentally’ bump into you there.
Only to make things more confusing, they’ll then get chatty and become best buds with your other male friends.
When this happens, make no mistake. It’s not a coincidence.
A guy does this to scope out all the competition and communicate to them that you are taken.
It’s not just a sign, but pretty much proof that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
8. He Isn’t Seeing Other People
Another common confusing situation so many of our coaching clients end up in is when a guy refuses to be in a relationship with you, but he isn’t seeing anyone else.
10. He Says You’d Be Better off With Somebody Else
Last but not least, the most confusing of all the signs that a guy doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he says that you’d be better off with somebody else.
Other variations of this are: “You’re better off without me.”, “You deserve better.” etc.
I know this might seem completely counterintuitive, but nobody EVER says something like this and actually means it.
He is just being emotional.
A guy who says something like this is so afraid of being abandoned, he is speaking his biggest fears out loud in the hopes that it’ll make them less painful or scary.
What he wants you to respond to this, is: “But I don’t want anyone else, I want YOU.”
He is basically indirectly asking you for reassurance that you care about him and won’t give up on him, even when he is struggling, being difficult or needs a relationship break.
I know for you, it might be heartbreaking to hear him say something like this, but you have to see through him and read between the lines.
Guys sabotage relationships too!
How to Get Him to Show You That He Actually Cares
In order to feel safe and secure in your relationship, you require much more than just signs that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.
You likely need him to SHOW you that he cares, is emotionally attached and wants to be exclusive.
There are two things you can do to make this happen.
On one hand, you can call his bluff by distancing yourself a little, acting as detached as he does etc.
You pulling away this way will give him a reason to need commitment.
But you have to be careful with this approach. Pushing him away and distance doesn’t always work. It can sometimes even do more damage than good.
This is where the second strategy comes into play.
Another way to get a guy to show you that he is emotionally attached is to make room for him to express his fear and doubts.
Let him talk about why he is hesitant and what he is hesitant about.
If you’re struggling with getting a guy to openly commit to you, I can support you with that in a coaching call.
Here, I’d carefully listen and help you make sense of all the confusing signs he might be bombarding you with.
I’ll also help you decide which of the above-mentioned approaches fits your situation better and give you tips on how to implement it.
I hope you now know how to tell when a guy doesn’t want anyone else to have you. To find more tips on how to get a guy to show you that he cares, check out my husband’s post: 4 Steps to Make Him Worry About Losing You
Thank you for reading! If you’re unsure about any of the signs, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.
How do you tell if a guy is slowly falling for you?
Dating can be extremely confusing at times. Men are rarely transparent about their feelings.
What’s more, they can do and say really sweet things only to then back out of it and pull away!
This inevitably leaves you wondering “Is he really catching feelings for me or am I just imagining it?”
In this blog post, I will list all the most important signs that he is slowly falling for you in chronological order.
I’ll start off with how to recognize when he is starting to develop feelings, all the way to how to know when he is falling deeply in love with you.
This way, you can know for sure where his heart is truly at in all stages of dating and a relationship.
1. He Initiates Contact
One of the earliest signs that a guy is catching feelings for you is when he initiates contact with you on a regular basis.
This means that he writes to you first, at least as much as you do.
He might do it over text, dms, snap chat or by calling you. The platform doesn’t matter here, it’s all about him regularly taking the initiative and making the first move.
A guy who initiates contact with you clearly enjoys interacting with you and will most likely want to take things further soon, because he is catching feelings for you.
2. He Asks You Personal Questions
A guy who is slowly falling for you will make an effort to get to know you better.
He will ask you personal questions about your passions, hobbies, plans for the future, likes, dislikes etc.
And he’ll do it because he longs to understand you and feel closer to you.
He will also want to make sure you guys are a good match and could be happy together.
It’s a definite sign he is catching feelings that you can look out for even in the early dating stages.
3. He Arranges to See you
On top of initiating contact and making an effort to get to know you, another early sign that he is slowly falling for you is him arranging to see you.
He might do it by asking you out or by finding reasons for you guys to hang out together.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, he will either come visit you, suggest that you visit each other in turns or plan for you guys to meet halfway.
If he keeps on arranging to spend time with you, he clearly deeply enjoys it and is definitely catching feelings for you.
4. He Tries to Impress You
Men like to impress everybody around them. However, when a guy is trying EXTRA HARD to make an impression on you, consider it one of these weird things guys do when they’re catching feelings for someone.
He might do it by showing off his knowledge, his gadgets, taking you out to a fancy place, getting expensive tickets etc.
Think about it, someone who is trying this hard to make you consider him a good catch is definitely slowly falling for you!
5. He Is Eager to Help You Out
Men like to feel needed and like they’re good providers. Some guys will express their feelings for you through being helpful with pragmatics.
They will offer to carry things for you, fix your computer or other things at your house, help you study, pick a phone for you, take care of your car etc.
(This is particularly true when you’re dating someone with avoidant attachment. They have a much easier time communicating things with actions rather than words.)
When a guy you’re seeing is very eager to help you out in whichever way he can, consider it a definite sign he is catching feelings for you and is trying to make sure that you fall for him too.
6. He Texts You Every Day, or Every Other Day
A guy who texts you every day, or every other day, is definitely slowly falling for you.
Maybe he likes to make sure that you keep on waking up to a good morning text from him, he is sharing funny memes with you, or he simply inquires how your day is going.
Someone who gives you this much attention is clearly thinking of you a lot.
It’s a sign that he is catching feelings for you and can’t have enough of you.
7. He Is Happy to Find Out When You Have Something in Common
This is a subtle, easy to miss sign.
Did the guy you’re seeing get excited when he discovered that you two have something in common?
For example: that you like the same band, share a hobby, have the same views on a topic etc.
Maybe it puzzled you and made you wonder: “Why would this little things make him so happy?”
He is excited about having something in common with you because it makes you two a good match.
It’s a sign he is invested and wants things to work out between the two of you.
Because he is definitely falling for you harder and harder.
8. He Plans Elaborate Dates
When a guy makes a lot of effort to really sweep you off your feet, it’s a definite sign he is trying really hard to get you to fall in love with him.
He’ll plan elaborate or creative dates with a long itinerary of things to do and places to visit.
Like going to a museum, concert, or theater followed by dinner at a special restaurant and drinks.
Know that it actually takes a lot of research and hours to make that kind of plan, get the tickets and make all the necessary reservations.
Someone who puts this much effort to make sure you have a good time, is definitely catching deep feelings and falling for you.
9. He Spends More and More Time with You
Another undeniable sign that he is slowly falling for you is when a guy keeps on arranging to spend more and more time with you.
You might start off by seeing each other for a date, but that date might turn into a conversation that lasts hours. And afterwards, he still might want to see you on the next day!
Someone, who is wanting to spend increasingly more and more time with you, is doing it because he simply cannot have enough of you.
He is most certainly catching stronger and stronger feelings for you.
10. He Is Affectionate
When a guy you’re with enjoys affection, snuggling, kissing, massaging, etc., it’s because he likes feeling close to you.
He pulls you close and holds your hand. He tucks your hair behind your ear before kissing you and enjoys receiving affection from you too.
It’s a definite sign that he’s emotionally invested, that he is slowly falling for you and craving more and more closeness.
11. He Wants You to Stay Over
A guy who wants you to stay over after being intimate clearly has a hard time parting with you.
He clearly enjoyed the closeness of intimacy and doesn’t want it to end. So he’ll try to convince you to stay as long as you can.
A guy who does this is most certainly catching feelings and falling for you.
12. He Has a Hard Time Letting You Go, in General
Have you guys ever tried saying goodbye after a date, only to have it turn into another conversation? Or him pulling you close and starting to passionately kiss you?
Maybe he suddenly remembered a good excuse as to why you shouldn’t part ways just yet.
Like that he needs something from you or has something he wants to give you.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, it might feel like he is intentionally stalling, almost wanting one of you to miss your flight or train.
When a guy has a hard time letting go of you, it’s a definite sign he is slowly falling for you and catching strong feelings.
13. He Lets You Wear and Keep His Clothes
Another common sign that a guy is slowly falling for you is when he lets you wear and keep his clothes.
Plenty of girls love wearing oversized hoodies, they’re just so comfy and warm. Or wearing your boyfriend’s t-shirts.
It’s almost as though you’re having him hug you all day or all night long.
When a guy lets you wear and even keep some of his clothes, it’s because he is enjoying being able to provide you with this kind of comfort.
He’s willing to share things with you because he trusts you. It creates a kind of bond between the two of you.
Maybe this is a bit of a weird one, but it’s a definite subtle sign that he is slowly falling for you and that things are getting serious.
14. He Makes Room for Your Things at His Place
Just like with letting you wear and keep his clothes, making room for you at his place is a sign of trust.
Even if it’s only one dedicated drawer or cupboard, he is actively creating space for you in his life. And that’s a big deal!
He is most definitely slowly falling in love with you, for him to be willing to take this step.
15. He Brings up Vulnerable Topics
Being vulnerable and opening up to someone also takes trust. Talking about your past, things that hurt you, your own fears and doubts can be risky.
After all, you have to be certain that the other person will not judge you or misuse this information.
When a guy actually opens up to you and is willing to discuss vulnerable topics, it’s a big deal.
He is letting you in emotionally because he is catching feelings! It’s a definite sign that he is falling in love with you.
16. He Talks about His Plans for the Future
When a guy you’re dating starts discussing his plans for the future with you, consider it an important event.
Even if he is not directly including you in them, or making his plans around you.
Regardless of what his plans are, him bringing up this topic in itself is proof that he is thinking about making things work with you in the long term.
Maybe he is checking how compatible you are. Or trying to find common ground, so that you can both have a life that you want and enjoy.
He clearly wants you to play a part in his future, this is why he is bringing it up.
Take it as a sign that he is slowly falling for you and that your relationship is becoming more and more serious.
17. He Is Considerate and Caring
Last but not least, another definite sign that a man is falling deeply for you is when he is considerate and caring towards you.
He might go out of his way to make sure that you’re comfortable and happy, by checking in with you, doing things for you, reassuring you, etc.
A man who does these kinds of things is a great catch!
Also, him doing it is a definite sign he is emotionally invested and is falling in love with you.
How Long Does It Take for a Guy to Fall For You?
How long it takes for a guy to catch feelings and for those feelings to then turn into something more mature and serious entirely depends on his character.
Some men are easy going and ready to connect, while others are more distrustful and will need a longer time to get there.
That being said, we are all not THAT different…
A guy can develop a crush on a girl the first time he sees her or interacts with her.
But in order to actually start catching feelings, he needs to get to know her first.
It’s reasonable to expect that within the first two or three months of you guys interacting on a semiregular basis, he will start slowly falling for you.
When it comes to falling in love, it’s an even longer journey.
Research has found that on average, it takes about three months of being together for a guy to say “I love you” to his partner.
However, if you’ve been talking with a guy for longer than two or three months, and he is just continuously friend zoning you, consider it a warning sign.
When this is the case, there is no point waiting for him to catch feelings any longer, because it will likely never happen.
How Does a Man Act When He’s Falling in Love?
“We are all fools in love.”
This is a quote by Jane Austen from her most popular book: “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s a very keen and valid description of how men act when they’re falling for you.
Catching feelings for someone is exhilarating, but also scary and vulnerable.
This is why a man can act in most contradictory ways in the early stages of a relationship.
He can sweep you off your feet with the craziest of romantic gestures, only to ask for space a few days or a week later.
Or insist that you stay over and keep you at his place for a few days, only to suddenly become less communicative and more distant.
This is why you need to learn to keep your cool and read between the lines. Don’t expect him to know exactly what he wants and have everything figured out.
Men like to pretend that they know what they’re doing, and this is where a lot of confusion then comes from…
…because they can be just as scared, doubtful and insecure as us women are.
How can you tell when a guy likes you but doesn’t want a relationship with you?
Recognizing the signs that he isn’t really serious about you is often easier said than done!
Guys who are afraid of commitment or simply undecided often do everything in their power to keep all of their options open.
This is why they’ll put in just the right amount of effort to ensure that you keep on chasing them.
But at the same time, they’ll make sure to dodge all uncomfortable questions and never give you the stability and security you’re craving from them.
Being stuck chasing someone and endlessly second guessing what their true intentions are, is exhausting!
You deserve to know for sure where he truly stands, so that you can make up your mind and not let him string you along forever.
There are guys out there who will never settle down. Trying to get them to do it a waste of breath.
At the same time, some men actually need their significant other to stand up to them in order to get them to snap out of their own indecision and realize their true feelings for you.
In this article, I’ll explain why a guy might keep you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
I’ll list the signs that he is not serious about you and give you tips on what to do, to give him one final chance to finally come around and commit.
When a Guy Has Feelings but Doesn’t Want a Relationship
Yes, it sometimes happens that a guy who actually likes you and has genuine feelings for you still doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you!
This makes an already complicated situation all the more confusing.
If this is the case with you two, then you’re likely thinking:
“If he does care for me, why doesn’t he want to be together? Why am I chasing him for something that he himself should want?”
The thing about being in a committed relationship is that it requires a certain degree of maturity.
It can be scary to open up and let another person actually become a part of your life. You also have to be willing to take responsibility and commit to making things work in the long term.
For you, love and commitment likely go hand in hand.
For them, it does not!
This is why a guy might want to keep you around, even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
He probably likes you and enjoys spending time with you. But he doesn’t want to let you get closer and will never be able to give you any guarantees.
He is happy with how things are and feels safe and secure enough as it is.
He might keep you waiting FOREVER, because he doesn’t need or even want to move things forward.
9 Signs He Doesn’t Want a Relationship With You
The key to recognizing when a guy doesn’t want a relationship with you is that it has less to do with you and almost everything to do with him.
It’s not you who is doing something wrong here…
He is the one who is stringing you along and giving you false hopes, without ever making you feel safe and secure.
Doesn’t matter how hard you try to come his way, it doesn’t make a difference.
Because he is just either too immature or too emotionally unavailable to be in a long term relationship.
Here are the signs that he is not serious -not just about you, but about commitment in general:
1. He Is Distant and Secretive
The telltale sign of a guy who is emotionally unavailable and might be completely incapable of being in a committed relationship is that he will keep you at arms length at all times.
He might be so afraid of letting someone get close to him, he will avoid sharing any personal information and showing vulnerability altogether.
But, if even after spending a lot of time with him, you feel like you don’t actually know him, consider it a sign that he is just too emotionally unavailable and doesn’t actually want a relationship with you.
2. He Is Very Unreliable
Being in a committed relationship requires both parties to be there for each other.
Of course, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and let our significant other down sometimes.
But if a guy you’re dating keeps on arriving hours late, constantly cancels last minute or even ghosts you every now and then, that’s a definite sign he is just too immature to actually be serious about you.
You can’t hope to build a future with someone you can’t rely on.
If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have tried harder.
3. He Hardly Ever Initiates
Another typical sign that a man might like you, but doesn’t actually want a relationship with you, is when he hardly ever makes the first move.
You’re the one who starts texting him and you’re the one who arranges to meet, too.
Once you’re together, things might feel great, though!
This is why you suspect that he does actually like you. BUT it’s always up to you to make things happen.
Maybe you even fear that, if you didn’t initiate, you’d never hear from him again.
Even if deep down you believe that he does care and wants you…
If he never initiates, it’s a sign that he just isn’t serious enough and is not boyfriend or husband material.
You deserve better!
4. He Isn’t Willing to Put in Any Effort
No matter how perfect you might be for each other, being in a committed relationship takes work.
Both of you have to be willing to come each other’s way and put in an equal amount of effort.
But there are men out there who will let you do all the work for them without ever returning the gesture!
You might have experienced some of these with him:
Are you the one who has to always come over to his place?
Do you keep on watching movies or shows he is interested in?
When you’re together, you’re only doing things he likes or wants to be doing?
Maybe things didn’t start out this way, but now you’re so tired of begging him for attention, you just give in and do what he wants instead.
If you keep on putting in a lot of effort without him ever coming your way, consider it a warning sign:
He might be too self-important and self-absorbed to be serious boyfriend or husband material.
Even if he likes you, maybe he is just too immature to want to be in a serious relationship with you.
A guy who just goes silent when you’re confronting him about something, likely is not serious about you and doesn’t really want to be in a relationship.
6. He Keeps You Separate From His Friends and Family
Another classic sign that a man you’re into might just be too emotionally unavailable for any serious commitment is if he keeps you separate from his friends or family.
Some people are comfortable introducing their significant other to their loved ones right away. Others might need a few months before they are ready to take this step.
But if you two have been dating for half a year or longer, and you have been kept completely separated from all the other important people in his life…
Consider it a warning sign that he might be too mistrustful or guarded, to actually let you in and want a committed relationship with you.
7. He Blames You for Needing Basic Things From Him
A man who likes you and wants to keep you around but doesn’t want a relationship with you, will try to avoid taking responsibility as much as he can.
When you ask him for basic things, he isn’t willing to give, he will turn things around and try to make you feel guilty for needing anything from him at all.
He’ll make you feel as though you’re being unreasonable, needy or controlling.
When what you’re asking for are just basic things anybody needs like checking in with you, asking you out, reassuring you and showing you that he cares, texting first, trying to be on time etc.
But someone who is serious about you, will make an effort to give you what you want, to whatever degree he can.
But if a guy you’re dating isn’t willing to come your way one little bit and keeps on blaming you for having any needs or demands at all, take it as a sign that he is likely too immature for serious commitment and doesn’t really want a relationship with you.
He is happy just taking and doesn’t want anything about that to change.
8. He Needs So Much Space, You’re Hardly Ever Together
It’s normal and healthy to need space from each other every now and then.
Especially when you’re still a fresh couple and your lives are very separate.
It’s one thing to need space for one week in a month. Or even to spend as much time apart as you do talking to each other.
But if the guy you’re with pulls away so often and for long and you feel like you’re hardly ever together, it’s a sign he is likely very detached and emotionally unavailable.
So much so, he might just be too scared of closeness, to be able to build a stable relationship.
Even if he likes you a lot, he may still not want to be committed to you, because it’s just too much for him.
9. He Wants to Keep Things Undefined for Months on End
People rarely jump into defining their relationship right when they start dating each other.
It’s normal to need a few weeks or even a month or two before you start discussing commitment.
When my husband and I started dating, it took us about a month to become officially exclusive.
And we know from some of our coaching clients that they can need even longer before they’re ready to take this step.
It’s all well and good to take things slow. There should be a limit of how long you’re willing to wait for him to make up his mind, though.
Because a guy who wants to keep you around without being in a relationship with you, can try to drag this on forever.
Several months will pass, and he will continue needing things to be undefined.
If it’s been half a year or more, and you still never had the: “What are we?” conversation, it’s a definite sign that the guy you’re dating isn’t really serious about you.
For all you know, he might even be a player, purposely avoiding explicitly stating he is in a relationship with you, so that he can continue seeing other people behind your back…
How to Know for Sure That He Doesn’t Want a Relationship With You
One way you can know for sure that a guy, who likes you, doesn’t actually want a relationship with you is by putting him to a test.
But for you to be willing to take this step, you have to be ready to face the truth of where his feelings truly lie.
This is the tricky part.
It’s often easier to keep on chasing him and excusing him over and over, then face the fact that maybe this is just not meant to be.
As hard as it might be to let go, holding on forever is going to be even more painful for you.
Because the guy who doesn’t want a relationship with you will never give you a sense of stability and security everybody needs and craves.
And the truth is, you deserve BETTER!
This is why you need to put him through one final test.
It’ll be his last chance to prove to you if he is in fact serious or not.
Tell him once again where you’re at and what you need from him, and then stop all your efforts until he responds.
If he cares about you enough, he will get the message, cave in and give you what you want.
But if he just does nothing, then you’ll have your answer.
If you need more help getting yourself to feel ready, to put him through a test, this is something we can support with in a Coaching Call.
Here we will listen to you and empathize, so that you feel less alone with your situation.
We will then help you see things for what they are. This way you’ll be able to stand up to him, in a way that will have the highest of chances, of actually getting him to come around!
Loving someone with avoidant attachment can be extremely difficult.
Avoidants often doubt their own feelings and intentions, because of this they tend to bombard their partners with mixed messages.
They can go from showering you with attention to being unresponsive and distant in a matter of days or even hours.
These kinds of mood swings will not be just limited to the early stages of dating.
Avoidants remain the same in a long term relationship.
They can fluctuate so much, they’ll go from telling you how much they love and appreciate you on one day, to pulling away and needing space on the next!
What’s even worse, avoidants have a tendency to continue testing their partner’s limits by pulling away and letting their doubts and fears sabotage things. So much so, they might even break up for what feels like no good reason.
Loving someone with avoidant attachment is like navigating a maze.
You have to learn to read all their hidden messages and not fall into their traps.
But before going into how to do this, let’s first talk about whether it’s something that is even worth the effort.
Can a Relationship With an Avoidant Ever Work?
When you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, there might be times when you’ll be wondering:
Why am I even doing this to myself?!
Why am I choosing to be with someone who keeps on pulling away over and over again?
Will this ever change?
I’m here to tell you, that yes it can absolutely change!
A relationship with an avoidant can work.
It is possible to win over your partner’s trust and support them in overcoming their attachment issues, so much so, they’ll become openly grateful, appreciative and committed.
I’ve seen this kind of transformation happen many times.
My then boyfriend, now husband, used to have a lot of traits of avoidant attachment. He had a fear of commitments, needed a lot of space, wasn’t sure he saw a future for us together, and all that changed!
Furthermore, I’ve observed many more avoidant attachment relationship successes among a lot of my coaching clients.
Men who were distant and hesitant to really let their girlfriends into their lives, suddenly changed and didn’t want to go anywhere without them.
The same way, women who kept on pulling away and were unwilling to commit, could suddenly make up their mind and start making a lot more effort.
Getting an avoidant to go through this kind of transformation takes effort though.
And for you to be willing to put in all that work, you have to first know if they really care about you or not.
How Do You Tell if an Avoidant Loves You?
Being able to tell if an avoidant truly loves you is not always easy.
They might tell you that they don’t think they love you as much as you love them.
Or that they’re not sure what their true feelings are.
At the same time, they’ll keep on saying or doing things that completely contradict what they just said…
Don’t let your partner fool you.
A person with avoidant attachment can fall in love. But they won’t be able to express it clearly and openly.
That’s why you’re better off reading between the lines and looking at their actions, rather than listening to what they are saying.
Here you’ll find a list of signs that an avoidant loves you:
1. They Tell You They Love You or Express Their Appreciation
One of the most confusing things a lot of avoidants do is say that they love you, or express how much they value something about you, and then backtrack on it the next day!
This happens because people with avoidant attachment get riddled with doubt.
They might have a brief moment of clarity and getting in touch with their own feelings, but it’s often followed by a flood of panic and fears.
So if your partner expressed their love or appreciation for you and then took it all back, know that they did actually mean it.
This confusing behavior is extremely common!
It’s a definite sign that you’re dealing with an avoidant and that they are falling for you.
2. They Are Considerate or Caring
People with avoidant attachment tend to have an easier time showing you that they love you with actions rather than with words or commitments.
This is why they can act in most considerate of ways:
They’ll make sure you’re feeling good and comfortable. They’ll listen to you about your problems, try to help you out, get you the things you need etc.
But again, they are very likely to play it all down, saying that all their efforts meant nothing and that they would do it for anyone.
When they say this, don’t listen to them.
Someone being considerate and caring towards you is a definite sign of them loving you, no matter what they claim.
When loving someone with avoidant attachment, you need to ignore their words and listen to their actions instead!
3. They’re Affectionate and Seek Physical Closeness
Physical touch is a big way of how a person can express their feelings for somebody else.
For some avoidants it’s easier to connect on a deeper level through physical intimacy.
They might be too doubtful of their own feelings to be able to state them in a conversation. But somehow, expressing them through affection or even sex might be much less of a barrier to them.
So if your partner with avoidant attachment is affectionate towards you or seeks physical closeness and intimacy, consider it a sign that they long to feel close to you because they do actually love you.
4. You Feel Like What You Share Is Special
This is something I’ve known from my own experience, but also heard from countless coaching clients. To you, the relationship might feel extremely special.
Deep down, you know the bond that you share is very strong and meaningful. That having this level of connection is actually extremely rare.
But your partner with avoidant attachment just keeps on playing it down and denying feeling the same way you do. Which inevitably leads you to wonder: am I just imagining it all?
You’re not just imagining it. You can trust your own judgment.
But if your partner reliably keeps on coming back after pulling away, it’s a sign that they are attached and care about you.
An avoidant who loves you will always find their way back to you!
6. They Keep On Trying to Impress You
Avoidants like to play coy. They’re generally not the type of people who make big romantic gestures. But they have other, more covert ways of ensuring that you become and remain crazy about them…
They do it by endlessly trying to impress you.
Everybody has their own ways of going about this:
Some people try to impress their partners with their extensive knowledge base.
Others like to show off their exquisite taste or culinary skills.
Some avoidants will try to impress you by being handy and doing things for you.
While others might try to flex with their expensive gadgets, clothes, tickets that are otherwise hard to get etc.
If your partner with avoidant attachments makes continuous efforts to impress you, it’s a definite sign that they want to keep you interested because they’re in love with you.
7. They’re Keeping You Chasing Them
Last but not least, one of the most common signs of an avoidant loving you is when they make sure that you always keep on chasing them.
They do it by giving you just enough encouragement for you to believe that they do really care about you.
But not quite enough for you to be able to just relax and feel like you’ve got full control over them and the relationship.
They want to keep you on your toes. As long as you’re chasing them, they don’t need to worry about losing you. It’s their way of making sure that you will stick around.
When an avoidant is making you chase them a lot, know that it’s a sign that they are attached and love you.
How Do You Love Someone With Avoidant Attachment?
Loving someone with avoidant attachment is definitely a big challenge. They’ll keep on testing you by pulling away.
On one hand, they’ll be checking what your intentions are and if you’re trying to trap and control them.
And on the other hand, they’ll also need to see that you won’t give up and walk away from them without putting up a fight.
The most difficult part of this whole problem is that they won’t be able to give you that sense of security and stability you might be so desperately needing from them.
At least not directly…
They’ll only leave hints and hope that you can read between the lines and get their message.
So you really have to trust your own gut here. You have to be the emotional compass for both of you.
Avoidants are generally too sacred and doubtful to give you many guarantees.
Pushing them to do so will only backfire. They’ll either pull away or only make you doubt everything more.
So take their words with a grain of salt and look at their actions. That’s where you can find the reassurance and stability you crave and need.
The second big component that can turn your relationship with an avoidant into a success is setting boundaries.
You need to stand up to them and tell them that they can’t endlessly keep on pulling away and testing you.
This way, you can make sure you don’t burn out and let them make you give up.
If you’re struggling because of dating someone with avoidant attachment, we can help you out with that in a 1-1 coaching call.
Here, we will carefully listen to your story and figure out if you’re just imagining things or if your partner truly cares about you.
We’ll also give you tips on how to set boundaries to get them to stop sabotaging your relationship and pushing you away.
Have you just had some of your hopes shattered or your heart broken for what feels like a millionth time, and it made you wonder:
“Why do I get attached so easily?!”
I am a person who gets attached a lot, and I have a very hard time letting go.
I used to hold onto people and things, feel responsible, take the blame for when something didn’t work out etc…
So I know, from my own personal experience, how difficult of a problem our attachments can become.
On one hand, getting attached can be a sign of great strength. It allows you to build meaningful connections.
But on the other hand, it can also become your greatest weakness.
It might make you let our guard down prematurely and expose yourself to being burned time and time again.
And these kinds of bad experiences will inevitably take a toll on your self-esteem, mental health and overall well-being.
This is why in this blog post I will tell you more about my own journey of why I struggled with getting attached so easily and how I learned to manage it.
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
The number why reason why people can become attached to someone they barely know is because of all the false preconceptions about love we’re being fed all the time.
Books, movies, series and even other people sell this idea that when you meet the one, you instantly feel the spark and know that this is the person you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.
In reality, love doesn’t work this way at all.
You can absolutely feel attracted to someone at first sight! But it takes time to get to know someone enough, for real feelings to develop between the two of you.
You can’t truly love someone you don’t really know.
If you fall in love fast and easily, chances are, rather than taking your time to get to know your crush, you’re creating an idea of who this person is in your head.
Unfortunately, doing this is a recipe for disaster.
It’s like driving blindfolded, hoping that the road ahead is straight and clear.
And it never is…
I used to think in those terms too and kept on making this very mistake over and over again.
I had to learn how to recognize the signs of true love, to be actually able to finally meet my soulmate and make things work with him.
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you were never taught how to actually build trust.
Much like when it comes to love, there are also a lot of false preconceptions about how trust works too!
In fact, most people tend to mistake trust for blind faith.
This is why they so often say things like “I just need you to trust me” or “why can’t you just trust me?”
Truth of this matter is, trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
And you can’t make yourself feel something.
One of the shocking discoveries I’ve made on my journey of fixing my own attachment style was that I actually had a lot of trust issues.
What’s more, I was trying to simply override them the whole time, all by jumping into commitments blindly.
Because of this, I never got a chance to build real trust and inevitably ended up becoming anxious, desperate and needy.
Becoming aware of, and overcoming your trust issues, might be the very thing you need to do, to stop yourself from getting attached too quickly.
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
Another reason why you might be getting attached so easily, could be because maybe you’re just so eager to get people to become attached to you too.
A lot of us do vulnerable things in the hopes of our efforts being reciprocated.
I used to hope that me being open, giving and caring will ensure that people will treat me the same way I treated them. I would start liking someone quickly, hoping that it will make them like me back.
Unfortunately, this was not always the case.
I would put myself out there, only for my vulnerability to just get exploited.
What’s more, you can’t control other people’s feelings.
Which brings me to the next point…
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you’re trying to create a very particular outcome.
This used to be the case for me.
I was so invested into the whole true love narrative, it led me to become insecure and controlling.
I had a very clear idea of how relationships should unfold, and I was trying to push things that way.
But just like you can’t make someone feel a certain way, the same way, you can’t force them to commit.
What’s more, trying to do so will eventually drive them away.
So if you find yourself becoming clingy so fast, consider you might be trying to control the situation and the outcome of your relationship.
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
There is actually a flip side to this whole dynamic…
This is something I first realized in my own relationship, but also observed among a lot of our coaching clients.
There are two sides to every story.
The reason you might be falling in love and getting attached so easily, is because you keep on picking partners who are making you chase them all the time.
Or they were giving you all these signals of how much they care about you, only to then ask for space.
They’re hot and cold. Giving you mixed messages. Leaving you doubtful and confused.
If this is the case, keep in mind that they wanted you to get attached and are now keeping you hooked.
Is It Normal to Get Attached to Someone Quickly?
Now that you have a better understanding of why people get attached fast, you might still be wondering: is being easily attached bad?
The unfortunate answer is, yes, generally speaking, it is bad.
It’s not normal to let yourself be this vulnerable right away.
Even though it might feel good, opening yourself up and letting yourself get invested fast is setting yourself up for being hurt.
You need to give yourself time to get to know the person you’re with, build trust with them, and give them room to go at their own pace.
As you go through these stages, you’ll find yourself gradually getting more and more attached in a deep and fulfilling way.
But do we choose who and when we fall in love with, you might ask…
I used to think in those terms too. But it only made me feel and act as though I was a victim of the circumstances I was in.
The thing is, even though we do not have control over our feelings, we have the ability to question limiting beliefs that are hurting us.
You have to be willing to see that you might be stuck in an unhealthy emotional attachment. Which is a way of getting attached that results in a lot of pain and drives people away from you.
Once you see it in this new perspective, that’s when you’ll be able to put things into question and regain control over when and how fast you fall in love. I’ll go more into this in my next point:
How Do I Stop Getting Attached So Quickly?
The secret to stopping yourself from getting attached so easily is not to try to resist it or control it, but by questioning the beliefs that are making you act this way.
These are the five reasons why you get attached so easily:
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
Getting attached so fast is not normal and will only make you get hurt over and over again. What’s more, you can’t make others become attached to you, no matter how hard you try.
You need to truly realize this in order to be able to regain control over your love life.
You can stop yourself from being needy and desperate when you truly see there is no need for it and that it’s never going to get you the results you were hoping for.
Furthermore, you have to protect yourself and put your own well-being first.
Someone who truly loves and cares about you will respect this and continue pursuing you, even when you’re more doubtful and aren’t chasing them the whole time.
If you’ve been struggling with getting attached too fast so much, that it still ends up sabotaging your love life, this is something either my husband or I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, we will give you the right kind of reassurance, so that you can calm down and let things unfold at their own pace.
We will also tell you what you can do, to flip the dynamic in your relationship. This way, you can get your significant other to chase you for a change.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
