Your boyfriend broke up with you, and now you’re wondering: Is this it? Or is he going to come back to me?
In most cases, male dumpers always come back sooner or later. There are a few exceptions to this rule, though.
My then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. He would always eventually start becoming interested and chase me again. We’re happily married now, so I’m living proof that guys come back after dumping you.
At this point, I’ve also coached hundreds of women on how to get their ex back. Many of them were asking me this very question: Is he ever going to come back? In about 90% of cases, the answer was always YES.
Our attachments are far stronger than most of us would like to believe. It’s not any easier for him to let go, than it is for you. Being the dumper, gives your ex power and control, though. Because of this, he might be acting cool or careless.
But the moment you manage to take the power away from him, he will start having second thoughts and hovering around you again.
In this blog post, I will explain why dumpers act this way and what you can expect of your ex.
Will He Miss Me After Dumping Me?
If your breakup is fresh, you must still be in the midst of an emotional storm. Being broken up with is tough. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, makes you miserable and desperate.
When you’ve just been abandoned this way, you might be wondering: Is he as upset as I am? Doesn’t he feel heartbroken about losing me too?
And if a few days or weeks have already passed, you’ve observed your ex’s behavior since then, and HE SEEMS FINE. You must be breaking your head, thinking: Why is he acting so cool? Doesn’t he miss me at all?!
Most dumpers will miss you, however, they will not miss you nearly as much as you will miss them.
The person who decides to break up generally feels confident that they could reverse it, if they chose to. This gives your ex a false sense of safety and security, that then allows him to remain cool and composed.
You might be heartbroken over losing him, meanwhile he doesn’t feel like he lost you, so why should he be upset…
To him, it’s as though you’re just taking some time apart. He might be a little sad, a little lonely, but it’s a far cry from where you’re at.
What Makes a Man Come Back After a Breakup
A dumper lives in a delusion that he is in control, you’re crazy about him, you’re more attached than he is etc. Because of this, he might stay distant and act careless without worrying about the consequences.
However, once his delusion starts to fade a little and your ex starts feeling like he is losing control over you, he will come back.
When he stops knowing what you’re up to, or your behavior suddenly changes: you’re not crying or chasing him the whole time, that’s when doubts will slowly start creeping in, and he will then try to sneakily regain that sense of control.
Some men don’t dare to or can’t come back on their own.
But they will do small things to get your attention and check if you’re still hooked or not. Like viewing or reacting to your posts and stories, posting things that are meant for you, or finding an excuse to pop by (even if it is to pick up their things from your place).
How Often Do Male Dumpers Come Back
In my experience, 9 out of 10 times male dumpers come back, but not to get back together right away.
They start finding excuses to talk, check if you still care and are interested, or if things can change (if they broke up because of some relationship problem).
Especially if he said you were perfect and then dumped you for no good reason, the chances of him coming back are close to 100%. It’s a sign you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, your relationship seemed too good to be true, so he sabotaged it.
Avoidants often need extra encouragement in the beginning. But they will always find their way back to you, as long as you don’t reject them too hard.
What Makes a Guy Not Come Back After a Breakup
There are a few cases when guys don’t come back after they dump you. They are more on the rare side, but they do happen. If any of the following situations fits your case, there is really no point for you to wait for him.
If He Broke up With You, to Get You to Chase Him
Much like women, men can sometimes give you the cold shoulder to get you to prove to him that you care. He can be doing it as a last resort, to get his point across, or because, according to him, he was making much more effort in the relationship than you were.
Needless to say, if this is the case, he will most likely not come back on his own.
Most male dumpers will start coming back, the moment you send them subtle signals that you might be moving on.
So this actually depends on you. It tends to take anywhere from one week to six months.
As long as you’re chasing him, he will have no reason to come back.
But the moment you make him feel like you might be slipping away, he will find a way to check in and ensure that it doesn’t happen.
Why Some Men Come Back Months Later
In certain cases, men take much longer to start warming up to you again. Some men come back months later because you continue chasing them.
As long as you’re fuelling your ex’s sense of security by: telling him you miss him, needing things from him, telling him you love him, he will have no reason to really miss you, let alone start worrying about losing you.
Even if these are rare instances that only happen once every few weeks. By acting desperate (even occasionally) you can keep your ex at bay for MONTHS.
Another reason why an ex might take this long to come back to you is when he got into a rebound relationship. When this is the case, having a new girlfriend will keep him busy and preoccupied. Initially, he will go through a honeymoon phase with her.
People tend to get into rebound relationships on a whim, though. This is why they’re often terrible matches that inevitably fail.
When a man comes back months later, chances are his rebound went wrong, and he is ready to try to fix things with you instead.
Is Doing No Contact the Best Way to Get a Male Dumper to Come Back
No contact is definitely a better way to approach your ex than chasing him, crying, begging, convincing etc. However, it has its limits too.
What you want to watch out for is doing ‘no contact’, then to only relapse into desperation, followed by doing more no contact.
Every time you’re acting desperate, you’ll be undoing all the progress and further fuelling your ex’s sense of safety and control. This is the road that will make you drift apart.
When a guy goes a day without talking to you, it’s easy to get at least a little unsettled. You might start worrying about things like:
Did he change his mind about me?
What is he up to?
Why doesn’t he miss me?
When is he going to reach out?
A man distancing himself this way might mean many things. In this blog post, I’ll help you understand what’s going on for him when he stops texting you or contacting you.
This way, you won’t have to second guess yourself and will be able to put your worries aside.
I’ll also give a few tips on what to do, to get him to reach out to you again. But before going into any pragmatics, let’s first discuss why men act this way.
What Does It Mean When He Goes A Day Without Texting You
There can be many reasons why a guy can go for a day or even longer without talking to you. Here are the most common four of them:
1. He Might Be Testing You
When a guy stops contacting you for a day, it might mean that he is simply checking if you’re going to be ok with it or not.
On one hand, he wants to feel free and do as he pleases, to not have to check in with you, every single day. (It’s typical for men to pull away this way. Especially in the early stages of a relationship.)
On the other hand, he might also want to see if you actually care when he disappears. Which brings me to my next point…
2. He Might Be Leaving Room for You to Make the Next Move
Some of our coaching clients had a guy chase them really hard. He would always initiate, arrange fancy dates, do everything he could to impress a girl, only to then go silent out of the blue!
When this happens (in this particular order: first chasing you followed by silence), then him not talking to you means he is giving you room to make the next move.
He might be tired of taking charge and putting himself out there. Maybe he worries that you don’t care about him as much as he cares about you. Or that you might think of him as desperate.
Yes, guys feel this way too!
When this is the case, then him not talking to you means that he is just waiting and seeing what you’ll do.
3. He Might Be Feeling Down
Another super common scenario is: a guy stops texting you when he is feeling down.
Perhaps he is stressed out with school or his job, he is depressed or might even be struggling with serious mental health issues.
He is not doing well, but doesn’t want you to see this side of him. He might be afraid of being judged or being perceived as unattractive.
So he goes silent in the hopes that you’ll leave him be and let him get out of this rut by himself.
This is a bit of an extension of the previous point. When a guy feels stressed or down, he might not have much emotional space for other people.
He might be too overwhelmed or depressed to send you cute texts or even to respond to your memes or messages.
Especially when he feels like you’re just the next person who is only needing things from him.
You’d be surprised, how common of a scenario this actually is!
Going silent is a lot of a guys’ first reaction to stress. And when a guy stops giving a girl his attention, women often panic and become overbearing or needy without realizing that this is what’s going on.
If the amount of space in your relationship makes you feel lonely, excessively anxious, or insecure, then it’s likely not healthy for you to let things continue going on this way.
There are three big things that him not talking to you for days might mean:
Maybe He’s Just Not That Into You
Someone who rarely makes an effort to see you or to talk to might just not care about you as much as you wish they did. It’s a sad truth to face, but consider that it will save you a lot of precious time and energy.
When a guy can go days without talking to you, it might mean that he’s just not very invested.
Guys That Drop Off the Map Generally Are Hiding Something
You’re not going to like this one either. But again, I’ve seen women get deceived this way time and time again.
The truth always comes out eventually, though, and it generally hurts more, the later it happens, so I’m telling you this now to save you some pain.
When a guy can go days without talking to you, it is a red flag. It might mean that he might be hiding things from you.
A common excuse ghosters use when they come back is either stress at work or mental health struggles.
“I was just feeling really depressed, that’s why I couldn’t pick up my phone and text you back for two weeks” or “Work was just so stressful.”
But what our coaching clients ended up discovering, in the end, was that there was more to their partner’s silence than just their excuses.
For example, sure he was depressed, but he also went on a bender. He’s been struggling with an alcohol addiction for years, and this was just one of his episodes.
Prolonged periods of silence (longer than a week) are suspicious. So it’s important to take this into consideration.
He Might Also Be Too Emotionally Unavailable for Any Serious Commitment
The last big reason why a man might go days without talking to you have to do with his emotional availability. There are guys out there who consider themselves lone wolves and want it to stay this way.
Maybe they come out of their shell for a few days, a week or a month, only to withdraw again. They’re used to their loneliness and consider it to be freedom.
You don’t need to keep on chasing after someone who is unavailable.
You’ll be significantly better off finding a guy that is actually seeking to connect and build a happy relationship.
What To Do When He Is Not Talking To You?
First thing you want to do when a guy is not talking is to stop seeking fault with yourself. His silence has much more to do with him than it does with you.
So don’t go panicking, it will only make things worse.
Keep in mind, if he cares, he will reach out.
You can also try to indirectly get his attention by posting something sexy or something you know that he will like.
Take your time evaluating which reasons fit your case best and develop your strategy accordingly.
And if you need more help getting your partner to make more effort, we can support you with this in a coaching call.
Here, we’ll listen and help you figure out what’s really going on with him. We’ll then give you actionable tips on what to say, do, post or text him to capture his interest and get him to chase you more.
When a guy’s behavior towards you is so inconsistent, it’s because he is hiding something. He is not being honest with you and is consequently using you either only emotionally, but possibly also pragmatically (for money, stability etc.).
2. He Only Makes an Effort When He Needs Something From You
Another big warning sign that a man might be manipulating you and using you is when he only makes an effort shortly before asking for things.
It can be something as trivial as him needing to use your car or asking you to take care of his kid or pet on the weekend.
But he can also use you emotionally this way. A sign of this is when a guy is only nice and attentive when he needs you to build him up, reassure him or comfort him.
It’s perfectly normal to exchange these kinds of favors in a healthy relationship.
But if his moments of need are the ONLY times when he gives you his attention and makes an effort for you, then he is not serious and doesn’t really care about you.
3. There Is a Double Standard in Your Relationship
Another common sign that a man is using you is when there is a serious double standard in your relationship. This means that he can get away with doing the exact same things he then blames you for.
For example: he might flirt with other women and stay in touch with all of his exes. While, when he finds out you had lunch with a male coworker, he flips out and accuses you of hiding things from him.
This can also happen in purely emotional context.
Another example of this kind of double standard would be that it’s ok for a guy to be depressed and spend countless hours gaming.
But when you’re feeling down and, e.g., stop putting effort into your appearance, he will make snipe remarks and tell you to get it together.
Double standards are not only utterly unfair. They’re also a sign of immaturity and a lack of self awareness. Even if he genuinely believes, he does nothing wrong, a guy who does this to you will continue using you as long as you let him.
4. He Doesn’t Keep His Promises
Another warning sign that a man might be using you is when he keeps on breaking his promises. Again, it’s normal to forget something now and then or to overestimate yourself and then back out of things last minute.
It can happen once or twice, but this needs to be the exception and not the rule in your relationship.
No matter how justified his excuses might seem to you, if the man you’re dating doesn’t keep his word, he is not serious about you.
Another common but often overlooked sign that a man is using you is that he keeps on playing power games with you. This one is so hard to spot because most of us are blind to this kind of tricks.
To shed some light on this topic, here are a few examples of power games men play:
Sending one word replies
Taking forever to get back to you
Leaving you on ‘read’ for hours and then suddenly writing you back
Being hot and cold
Making jokes at your expense
Intentionally leaving you hanging in conversations
These are just a few examples, but there is really much more to it. In the pickup communities, some men actively learn how to manipulate women this way. This is one of the things players do, to get you to fall for them and chase them.
But in the context of a relationship, power games mean that he is going to actively seek to establish control over you in subtle, seemingly playful ways.
A lot of guys who do this doesn’t actually realize it. They’re just insecure and this is their defense mechanism.
A man who plays power games with you might be using you.
Last but not least, a guy who is using you will make you chase him for almost everything.
He will do so by remaining unattainable, but continuously giving you a sense of hope at the same time.
This how he will try to get out of having any sense of responsibility in the relationship, while ensuring that you don’t give up on him and move on.
So you will have to chase him to, say, give you an answer about his weekend plans. Because, on one hand, he hinted that he missed you, but he also didn’t give you a definitive answer when you asked if he will come over or not.
Another classic area where guys can use women this way is when it comes to commitment. He will hint at it, but never actually explicitly state that he wants to be together.
Knowing if a guy is just using you or if he actually likes you is often easier said than done. So don’t beat yourself up about missing the signs and letting him get away with it.
The truth is, we all use each other in relationships to a greater or lesser degree.
As long as the exchange seems fair, that he is using you just as much as you’re using him, you don’t need to worry about it too much. You can both work on fixing this together!
However, if two or more of the above-mentioned signs fit your case, and you’ve been drained and are tired of begging for attention in your relationship, consider that it’s time to do something about it.
Because he most likely is using you.
However, if you confront him about it, and he does genuinely like you, he will make an effort to correct his behavior!
What Do You Do When a Guy Is Just Using You
When a guy is using you, the only way to test how he truly feels about you is to stand up to him and start setting boundaries.
If he has been unintentionally acting this way, he might still rebel initially. But eventually, he will be willing to accept that the rules have changed.
He will step up his game and make things work.
But if you standing up to him only makes him more distant and unavailable, then there isn’t much you can do about it.
It takes two to build a happy relationship, and if he isn’t willing to play his part, you can’t force him to do so.
Maybe he just isn’t mature enough to give you what you need and deserve.
If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to stand up for yourself and set boundaries with a man, this is something we cover in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here we teach women why it can be so difficult to stand your ground and how to overcome it.
We also give you tips on what to say and do to make it clear to him that you won’t let him use you anymore.
Dating a man who doesn’t want anyone else to have you but won’t admit it, can be very confusing.
One day, you can be over the moon about something he said or did. Only to have him tear it all down, as though he didn’t care about you at all!
I have experienced this kind of emotional roller coaster myself. My then boyfriend and now husband used to be an avoidant who struggled with commitment issues.
Because of that, he would bombard me with mixed messages that were impossible to decipher at the time.
On one hand, it seemed like he was very much in love with me. But then he would pull away or say things like “You’re better off without me.”, which made me worry that he wasn’t really attached and would eventually leave.
A guy who doesn’t want anyone else to have you will give you just the right amount of encouragement to make sure that you continue chasing him.
But at the same time, he will remain doubtful and undecided as long as you let him!
In this blog post, I’ll help you recognize the signs that you might be stuck in this very situation. I’ll then give you tips on what to do to motivate him to finally make up his mind and openly commit.
1. He Makes an Effort to Impress You
One of the most obvious signs that a man doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he keeps on trying to impress you over and over again.
He might do so by taking you out to fancy or expensive places. By cooking elaborate dishes, showing off his skills or strength etc. The possibilities are endless.
What makes this sign confusing is that he might be playing it cool while doing this.
Some guys will say that it’s nothing, they do it every time, or that it’s not a big deal.
But don’t let him fool you.
He is trying to impress you so that you view him as the best possible catch because deep down he is attached and this is his way of making sure he can dominate all potential competition.
2. He Comes Back After Pulling Away
It’s not uncommon for guys to distance themselves or ask for space when you’re dating them or even in a relationship.
There are many reasons why men pull away. But, regardless of why he might be acting this way, observing the patterns in his behavior alone, can tell you a lot about whether he is actually emotionally attached or not.
The biggest sign that a man doesn’t want anyone else to have you is when he consistently keeps on coming back after pulling away.
He is comfortable with distance, but only as long as he can be sure that he is in control of the situation.
In reality, he is emotionally attached and wants to keep you in his life.
So when he senses that the connection might be beginning to fade, he will come back to rekindle the flame between you and make sure that you remain hooked.
3. He Is Kind and Considerate
There is nothing more confusing than a guy doing something incredibly considerate and caring and then claiming that it’s no big deal, and he would do it for anyone.
This might include him taking care of you when you’re sick, getting you groceries, helping out at the house, being there for you emotionally, being supportive etc.
Make no mistake, it’s not that you’re not special to him…
I hope you now know how to tell when a guy doesn’t want anyone else to have you. To find more tips on how to get a guy to show you that he cares, check out my husband’s post: 4 Steps to Make Him Worry About Losing You
Thank you for reading! If you’re unsure about any of the signs, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.
How do you tell if a guy is slowly falling for you?
Dating can be extremely confusing at times. Men are rarely transparent about their feelings.
What’s more, they can do and say really sweet things only to then back out of it and pull away!
This inevitably leaves you wondering “Is he really catching feelings for me or am I just imagining it?”
In this blog post, I will list all the most important signs that he is slowly falling for you in chronological order.
I’ll start off with how to recognize when he is starting to develop feelings, all the way to how to know when he is falling deeply in love with you.
This way, you can know for sure where his heart is truly at in all stages of dating and a relationship.
1. He Initiates Contact
One of the earliest signs that a guy is catching feelings for you is when he initiates contact with you on a regular basis.
This means that he writes to you first, at least as much as you do.
He might do it over text, dms, snap chat or by calling you. The platform doesn’t matter here, it’s all about him regularly taking the initiative and making the first move.
A guy who initiates contact with you clearly enjoys interacting with you and will most likely want to take things further soon, because he is catching feelings for you.
2. He Asks You Personal Questions
A guy who is slowly falling for you will make an effort to get to know you better.
He will ask you personal questions about your passions, hobbies, plans for the future, likes, dislikes etc.
And he’ll do it because he longs to understand you and feel closer to you.
He will also want to make sure you guys are a good match and could be happy together.
It’s a definite sign he is catching feelings that you can look out for even in the early dating stages.
3. He Arranges to See you
On top of initiating contact and making an effort to get to know you, another early sign that he is slowly falling for you is him arranging to see you.
He might do it by asking you out or by finding reasons for you guys to hang out together.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, he will either come visit you, suggest that you visit each other in turns or plan for you guys to meet halfway.
If he keeps on arranging to spend time with you, he clearly deeply enjoys it and is definitely catching feelings for you.
4. He Tries to Impress You
Men like to impress everybody around them. However, when a guy is trying EXTRA HARD to make an impression on you, consider it one of these weird things guys do when they’re catching feelings for someone.
He might do it by showing off his knowledge, his gadgets, taking you out to a fancy place, getting expensive tickets etc.
Think about it, someone who is trying this hard to make you consider him a good catch is definitely slowly falling for you!
5. He Is Eager to Help You Out
Men like to feel needed and like they’re good providers. Some guys will express their feelings for you through being helpful with pragmatics.
They will offer to carry things for you, fix your computer or other things at your house, help you study, pick a phone for you, take care of your car etc.
But, if even after spending a lot of time with him, you feel like you don’t actually know him, consider it a sign that he is just too emotionally unavailable and doesn’t actually want a relationship with you.
2. He Is Very Unreliable
Being in a committed relationship requires both parties to be there for each other.
Of course, nobody is perfect. We all make mistakes and let our significant other down sometimes.
But if a guy you’re dating keeps on arriving hours late, constantly cancels last minute or even ghosts you every now and then, that’s a definite sign he is just too immature to actually be serious about you.
You can’t hope to build a future with someone you can’t rely on.
If he wanted a relationship with you, he would have tried harder.
3. He Hardly Ever Initiates
Another typical sign that a man might like you, but doesn’t actually want a relationship with you, is when he hardly ever makes the first move.
You’re the one who starts texting him and you’re the one who arranges to meet, too.
Once you’re together, things might feel great, though!
This is why you suspect that he does actually like you. BUT it’s always up to you to make things happen.
Maybe you even fear that, if you didn’t initiate, you’d never hear from him again.
Even if deep down you believe that he does care and wants you…
If he never initiates, it’s a sign that he just isn’t serious enough and is not boyfriend or husband material.
You deserve better!
4. He Isn’t Willing to Put in Any Effort
No matter how perfect you might be for each other, being in a committed relationship takes work.
Both of you have to be willing to come each other’s way and put in an equal amount of effort.
But there are men out there who will let you do all the work for them without ever returning the gesture!
You might have experienced some of these with him:
Are you the one who has to always come over to his place?
Do you keep on watching movies or shows he is interested in?
When you’re together, you’re only doing things he likes or wants to be doing?
But someone who is serious about you, will make an effort to give you what you want, to whatever degree he can.
But if a guy you’re dating isn’t willing to come your way one little bit and keeps on blaming you for having any needs or demands at all, take it as a sign that he is likely too immature for serious commitment and doesn’t really want a relationship with you.
He is happy just taking and doesn’t want anything about that to change.
8. He Needs So Much Space, You’re Hardly Ever Together
It’s normal and healthy to need space from each other every now and then.
Especially when you’re still a fresh couple and your lives are very separate.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.