Are you wondering if you’ve just been deluding yourself all this time? Telling yourself that your partner has all these conflicting feelings, and is sending you secret hints, when in reality they’re just not that into you?
That you’re seeing things that simply aren’t there, only because you want them to be true?
I was once in your shoes. I, too, wondered: “Am I just imagining our special connection? Does Gabriel care?” After all, he kept on telling me that he didn’t or at least not as much as I did. He would say that he isn’t looking for anything serious, but then he’d make proactive efforts to see me all the time, and we’d have such a hard time saying goodbye…
By now I’ve coached thousands of people, some of them with the avoidant attachment style, others were dating avoidants.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that you’re not just imagining things. Your partner IS sending you subtle hints and is playing games with you. ALL avoidants do this!
Does this mean that you found your other half and are going to live happily ever after with this person?
Maybe, maybe not…
Here are the 5 signs that an avoidant is more emotionally involved with you than they’re showing:
1. They Keep on Reaching Out to You
When a woman or a man keeps on texting you, it’s because they want something from you. They enjoy your company, your sense of humor, or the emotional or pragmatic support you’re providing.
Avoidants love playing things down and saying they’re just being friendly. But if they keep on texting you first, you’re more than just a friend to them.
2. They’re Hot and Cold Towards You
If your avoidant partner fluctuates between being warm and caring, and cold and unavailable, that’s because they’re conflicted. They care about you, but they’re also afraid of their own feelings. Point being, they are more involved with you than they are willing to admit.
3. They Give You a Vague Sense of Hope
They might hint at wanting to be with you forever and then take it back. Like bring up marriage or even starting a family. But then back out of it the next minute and pretend like it meant nothing.
Avoidants do this because they are secretly thinking about these things but don’t dare to commit to them just yet.
4. They End Things but Keep an Open Door
An avoidant might break up with you but insist on staying friends, or endlessly hold onto your things, let you keep their things etc. They do this when they don’t actually want to break up but feel like they have to.
All the strings that are connecting you are there to make sure they don’t lose you. They don’t want to let go, because they care more than they’re showing.
5. They Open Up to You and Are Vulnerable With You
Has your partner shared things with you about themselves that are very personal or vulnerable? Maybe they opened up about their past, or about their biggest fears or insecurities? When someone does this, it’s a sign of deeper trust and strong emotional connection.
If your avoidant partner shared some very vulnerable moments with you and let their guard down, it means they also let you into deep into their heart.
Don’t let them fool you with their carelessness. They’re only playing it cool, but deep down, they care more than they’re showing.
The truth is, all avoidants care more than they are willing to admit, however avoidant attachment is a barrier they have to be willing to overcome, in order to be in a happy and stable relationship.
Facing your own demons and admitting that you might have issues, or that you might be wrong about something, is scary. Your partner might not be able to go there without your help. They also might need you to lead by example, work on your own attachment issues and inspire them to change.
If you’re looking for guidance on how to do this, we’ve got you covered! This is exactly what we teach in our Attach An Avoidant Program.
In here, we’ll show you how to read between the lines and use your partner’s actions to strengthen your own sense of security. So that you’re less fearful or anxious and more secure.
We also give you a step-by-step guide on how to make your relationship progress and get your avoidant partner to express their feelings more.
Your boyfriend broke up with you, and now you’re wondering: Is this it? Or is he going to come back to me?
In most cases, male dumpers always come back sooner or later. There are a few exceptions to this rule, though.
My then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. He would always eventually start becoming interested and chase me again. We’re happily married now, so I’m living proof that guys come back after dumping you.
At this point, I’ve also coached hundreds of women on how to get their ex back. Many of them were asking me this very question: Is he ever going to come back? In about 90% of cases, the answer was always YES.
Our attachments are far stronger than most of us would like to believe. It’s not any easier for him to let go, than it is for you. Being the dumper, gives your ex power and control, though. Because of this, he might be acting cool or careless.
But the moment you manage to take the power away from him, he will start having second thoughts and hovering around you again.
In this blog post, I will explain why dumpers act this way and what you can expect of your ex.
Will He Miss Me After Dumping Me?
If your breakup is fresh, you must still be in the midst of an emotional storm. Being broken up with is tough. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, makes you miserable and desperate.
When you’ve just been abandoned this way, you might be wondering: Is he as upset as I am? Doesn’t he feel heartbroken about losing me too?
And if a few days or weeks have already passed, you’ve observed your ex’s behavior since then, and HE SEEMS FINE. You must be breaking your head, thinking: Why is he acting so cool? Doesn’t he miss me at all?!
Most dumpers will miss you, however, they will not miss you nearly as much as you will miss them.
The person who decides to break up generally feels confident that they could reverse it, if they chose to. This gives your ex a false sense of safety and security, that then allows him to remain cool and composed.
You might be heartbroken over losing him, meanwhile he doesn’t feel like he lost you, so why should he be upset…
To him, it’s as though you’re just taking some time apart. He might be a little sad, a little lonely, but it’s a far cry from where you’re at.
What Makes a Man Come Back After a Breakup
A dumper lives in a delusion that he is in control, you’re crazy about him, you’re more attached than he is etc. Because of this, he might stay distant and act careless without worrying about the consequences.
However, once his delusion starts to fade a little and your ex starts feeling like he is losing control over you, he will come back.
When he stops knowing what you’re up to, or your behavior suddenly changes: you’re not crying or chasing him the whole time, that’s when doubts will slowly start creeping in, and he will then try to sneakily regain that sense of control.
Some men don’t dare to or can’t come back on their own.
But they will do small things to get your attention and check if you’re still hooked or not. Like viewing or reacting to your posts and stories, posting things that are meant for you, or finding an excuse to pop by (even if it is to pick up their things from your place).
How Often Do Male Dumpers Come Back
In my experience, 9 out of 10 times male dumpers come back, but not to get back together right away.
They start finding excuses to talk, check if you still care and are interested, or if things can change (if they broke up because of some relationship problem).
Especially if he said you were perfect and then dumped you for no good reason, the chances of him coming back are close to 100%. It’s a sign you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, your relationship seemed too good to be true, so he sabotaged it.
Avoidants often need extra encouragement in the beginning. But they will always find their way back to you, as long as you don’t reject them too hard.
What Makes a Guy Not Come Back After a Breakup
There are a few cases when guys don’t come back after they dump you. They are more on the rare side, but they do happen. If any of the following situations fits your case, there is really no point for you to wait for him.
If He Broke up With You, to Get You to Chase Him
Much like women, men can sometimes give you the cold shoulder to get you to prove to him that you care. He can be doing it as a last resort, to get his point across, or because, according to him, he was making much more effort in the relationship than you were.
Needless to say, if this is the case, he will most likely not come back on his own.
When this is the case, you will need to come his way first and prove to him that you care as much as he does.
He Might Not Come Back if You Were Ignoring His Boundaries
The second case scenario when a male dumper might not come back is when your breakup became very messy.
There are cases when a guy breaking up or withdrawing, triggers something in you. A frenzy takes over, makes you act a bit crazy and you override all his boundaries.
Everybody gets desperate after being broken up with, I did, many of our clients did too. However, there are some rare cases that take it to an extreme and drive their ex away completely.
If you’ve been over texting, popping by his flat or house or work, crying, begging, convincing him, you might have sabotaged your chances for good.
He may never come back after this and will definitely not come back any time soon.
If you did this and are now blocked on everything, know that any further pursuit of your ex will only make your situation worse.
How Long Until a Male Dumper Comes Back
Here, I want to differentiate between your ex coming back after dumping you vs getting back together, because these are two very different timelines.
There are cases when an ex comes back, says he was an idiot and wants to go back to being in a relationship right away. But they’re very rare, and you actually have to wait much longer.
This could happen if he moved on very fast, his rebound failed, and he is desperate to have you back afterward.
Most male dumpers will start coming back, the moment you send them subtle signals that you might be moving on.
So this actually depends on you. It tends to take anywhere from one week to six months.
As long as you’re chasing him, he will have no reason to come back.
But the moment you make him feel like you might be slipping away, he will find a way to check in and ensure that it doesn’t happen.
Why Some Men Come Back Months Later
In certain cases, men take much longer to start warming up to you again. Some men come back months later because you continue chasing them.
As long as you’re fuelling your ex’s sense of security by: telling him you miss him, needing things from him, telling him you love him, he will have no reason to really miss you, let alone start worrying about losing you.
Even if these are rare instances that only happen once every few weeks. By acting desperate (even occasionally) you can keep your ex at bay for MONTHS.
Another reason why an ex might take this long to come back to you is when he got into a rebound relationship. When this is the case, having a new girlfriend will keep him busy and preoccupied. Initially, he will go through a honeymoon phase with her.
People tend to get into rebound relationships on a whim, though. This is why they’re often terrible matches that inevitably fail.
When a man comes back months later, chances are his rebound went wrong, and he is ready to try to fix things with you instead.
Is Doing No Contact the Best Way to Get a Male Dumper to Come Back
No contact is definitely a better way to approach your ex than chasing him, crying, begging, convincing etc. However, it has its limits too.
What you want to watch out for is doing ‘no contact’, then to only relapse into desperation, followed by doing more no contact.
Every time you’re acting desperate, you’ll be undoing all the progress and further fuelling your ex’s sense of safety and control. This is the road that will make you drift apart.
Not interacting with him alone will not make your ex come back. What’s more, men are actually quite sensitive to rejection.
In my experience, applying the no contact rule for longer than two weeks doesn’t benefit him. At that point, you’re just drifting further and further apart.
This is why we actually recommend that our coaching clients apply the limited contact rule instead.
By keeping in touch with your ex, you can undermine his false sense of safety much sooner. It also allows you to make sure that you don’t reject your ex too hard.
If you want to learn how to apply our limited contact rule in detail, this is something we teach in our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, we will give you detailed guidelines, to ensure that you can get your ex to come back as soon as possible. This way, you can be sure you’re moving things in the right direction.
If you’re wondering how to self soothe anxious attachment, it’s a sign you’re already on the right path!
You must already know that, unfortunately, you can’t rely on your partner for this (especially if you’re dating an avoidant!).
But you can give yourself the exact kind and amount of reassurance you need in order to feel more safe and secure in your relationship.
In this article, I’ll describe five powerful strategies to self-soothe anxious attachment. So that you can calm down, relax and feel better about yourself.
But before diving into things you can do, I want to first dispel some myths that might be making your anxiety worse.
What Triggers Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment stems from deep-rooted fears that originated in your past.
However, there is also a second, more direct source that can trigger your anxiety: the people in your life right now.
This is something I wish somebody would have told me back then when I struggled with doubts and overthinking in my relationship. Because, it’s not all on you…
Getting lost in fears and doubts can be contagious!
Others might project their own anxiety onto you and trigger you to feel the same way they do.
If you notice that you suddenly feel panicked after spending time with a particular friend or a family member, consider that they might have said or done things that made you feel this way.
Another huge but often overlooked trigger for anxious attachment is YOUR PARTNER.
I know this might be a bit surprising to hear.
After all, they’re likely the person who complains about it the most.
But, the truth is, they can CONTRIBUTE or even CREATE scenarios and situations that end up triggering both of you.
I’ve experienced this myself, it’s also true for all of our coaching clients who struggle with anxiety: we tend to get together with someone who is the opposite puzzle piece to our own character.
People who struggle with anxious attachment often fall in love with avoidants or emotionally unavailable partners.
If this is the case for you then, chances are, your significant other likely unknowingly riles you up with their indecision, carelessness, occasional unreliability, exaggerated need for space or even by acting distant and rejecting.
The same is true for being together with an emotionally unavailable partner.
How Do You Break the Cycle of Anxious Attachment
Now that you understand just how big of a trigger your significant other can be, you’ll probably guess that in order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you’re going to have to change your attitude towards them.
You’ll only continue needing things from them, they simply cannot give you.
This is a fundamental truth I wish I would have learned sooner: you need to stop expecting you from people, or you’ll end up endlessly chasing them and never getting what you want and need.
In order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you need to start seeing that your partner has their own limitations and ways of sabotaging the relationship.
Avoidants and emotionally unavailable people tend to massively underestimate the strength of their own attachment.
This is why you need to look at their actions, learn to read between the lines and trust your gut.
Deep down, you know how your partner truly feels about you.
You can trust it.
You can break the cycle of anxious attachment by becoming your own source of stability and security in your relationship.
5 Powerful Strategies To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment
Self soothing anxious attachment is all about getting yourself to relax and feel better.
The strategies I list below are things I used to do and now recommend to my coaching clients.
You don’t have to do them in any particular order. We’re all different and have our own personal coping mechanisms.
So select whatever strategy suits you best and feel free to mix things up.
1. Write Down Ten Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner
When anxiety hits us, we tend to focus on our own flaws and shortcomings.
But nobody is perfect. I’m sure there are things about your partner you don’t like, or maybe you even feel like ‘you could do better…’
To self soothe anxious attachment, take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you DON’T like about your significant other or your crush.
What are their flaws? You feel they don’t have any? Uh-uh, dig deeper, I’m sure you can come up with a lot of things…
It’s time to validate that critical and selfish part of you. It will help feel more confident and in control.
2. Over-text Yourself
Texting can be a great outlet for emotions. However, over-texting can also do a lot of damage in a relationship.
You might end up saying things you don’t mean or pushing your partner to pull away and stop replying to you.
A great hack I recommend to my clients for coping with this is:
When you feel yourself becoming clingy or needy, imagine you’re texting your partner, but actually send the messages to yourself.
This way you can let things out without any risks.
Sure, it’s not the same, you’re not going to get a response. But your significant other will like not reply in a way you’d need them to anyway!
So spare yourself any additional drama and self soothe your anxious attachment by over-texting yourself.
3. Organize or Clean Something While Listening to Music
This is actually something I still do whenever I get riled up about stuff. Gardening, repotting, cleaning or organizing things at your place are great physical outlets.
They’ll keep both your body and your mind busy.
Providing the right soundtrack for your activity will make room for you to process feelings, let out your anger or grieve at the same time.
It’s a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment and is bound to leave you tired but relaxed and with a sense of accomplishment.
4. Indulge in a Guilty Pleasure
We all have things we like doing but are slightly ashamed of. Maybe there is a new season of a trashy show you secretly enjoy.
Or you might have a book you keep on reading or a movie you like watching over and over again.
The reason you like doing these silly little things is because they likely can provide some of that sense of emotional security you crave.
It could be the themes or some of the characters that make you feel safe.
It’s ok to escape and treat yourself sometimes. Especially when you really need it.
This is why indulging in a guilty pleasure is a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment.
5. Do Something With Friends That Your Partner Refuses to Do
Surely there are things you’ve been wanting to do with your partner for a while and you just somehow never got to it.
Your significant other might have straight up refused to do them with you, or they could always find a good excuse to put it off once again.
Maybe there is a cheesy, romantic comedy you’ve been wanting to watch for a while, a challenging hike, a museum you wanted to visit or even a weekend trip you’ve been putting off for months.
It’s time to stop waiting and go find someone else, who would be happy and ready to participate in your activity of choice.
This is a great strategy to self-soothe anxious attachment.
It’ll make you feel empowered. You’ll experience what it’s like to finally get what you want from someone.
It’s also bound to make your partner at least a little jealous and motivate them to make more effort.
Can You Heal Anxious Attachment
Yes, you can absolutely heal anxious attachment. I’ve done it myself. I used to feel very insecure and afraid of being abandoned.
To make matters worse, I fell head over heels for an avoidant who kept on breaking up with me.
I’ve also helped many other clients get a handle on their anxiety and consequently turn their relationships around.
Healing anxious attachment is a self propelling cycle.
This means that the moment you feel less anxious and more confident in your relationship, it motivates your partner to make more effort.
Which in turn will help you heal further…
The most important part of this process is to jump start it, so that you start moving in the right direction.
If you’re struggling with getting a handle on your anxious attachment, and feel like it’s negatively impacting your relationship, we created a program, that can help you out: Attach An Avoidant
In here you’ll find guidance on how to rebuild your sense of security, so that you can stop feeling anxious and regain confidence. We also teach you how to approach your partner, to get them to start making more effort and give you more of what you need from them.
How do you tell if a guy is slowly falling for you?
Dating can be extremely confusing at times. Men are rarely transparent about their feelings.
What’s more, they can do and say really sweet things only to then back out of it and pull away!
This inevitably leaves you wondering “Is he really catching feelings for me or am I just imagining it?”
In this blog post, I will list all the most important signs that he is slowly falling for you in chronological order.
I’ll start off with how to recognize when he is starting to develop feelings, all the way to how to know when he is falling deeply in love with you.
This way, you can know for sure where his heart is truly at in all stages of dating and a relationship.
1. He Initiates Contact
One of the earliest signs that a guy is catching feelings for you is when he initiates contact with you on a regular basis.
This means that he writes to you first, at least as much as you do.
He might do it over text, dms, snap chat or by calling you. The platform doesn’t matter here, it’s all about him regularly taking the initiative and making the first move.
A guy who initiates contact with you clearly enjoys interacting with you and will most likely want to take things further soon, because he is catching feelings for you.
2. He Asks You Personal Questions
A guy who is slowly falling for you will make an effort to get to know you better.
He will ask you personal questions about your passions, hobbies, plans for the future, likes, dislikes etc.
And he’ll do it because he longs to understand you and feel closer to you.
He will also want to make sure you guys are a good match and could be happy together.
It’s a definite sign he is catching feelings that you can look out for even in the early dating stages.
3. He Arranges to See you
On top of initiating contact and making an effort to get to know you, another early sign that he is slowly falling for you is him arranging to see you.
He might do it by asking you out or by finding reasons for you guys to hang out together.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, he will either come visit you, suggest that you visit each other in turns or plan for you guys to meet halfway.
If he keeps on arranging to spend time with you, he clearly deeply enjoys it and is definitely catching feelings for you.
4. He Tries to Impress You
Men like to impress everybody around them. However, when a guy is trying EXTRA HARD to make an impression on you, consider it one of these weird things guys do when they’re catching feelings for someone.
He might do it by showing off his knowledge, his gadgets, taking you out to a fancy place, getting expensive tickets etc.
Think about it, someone who is trying this hard to make you consider him a good catch is definitely slowly falling for you!
5. He Is Eager to Help You Out
Men like to feel needed and like they’re good providers. Some guys will express their feelings for you through being helpful with pragmatics.
They will offer to carry things for you, fix your computer or other things at your house, help you study, pick a phone for you, take care of your car etc.
(This is particularly true when you’re dating someone with avoidant attachment. They have a much easier time communicating things with actions rather than words.)
When a guy you’re seeing is very eager to help you out in whichever way he can, consider it a definite sign he is catching feelings for you and is trying to make sure that you fall for him too.
6. He Texts You Every Day, or Every Other Day
A guy who texts you every day, or every other day, is definitely slowly falling for you.
Maybe he likes to make sure that you keep on waking up to a good morning text from him, he is sharing funny memes with you, or he simply inquires how your day is going.
Someone who gives you this much attention is clearly thinking of you a lot.
It’s a sign that he is catching feelings for you and can’t have enough of you.
7. He Is Happy to Find Out When You Have Something in Common
This is a subtle, easy to miss sign.
Did the guy you’re seeing get excited when he discovered that you two have something in common?
For example: that you like the same band, share a hobby, have the same views on a topic etc.
Maybe it puzzled you and made you wonder: “Why would this little things make him so happy?”
He is excited about having something in common with you because it makes you two a good match.
It’s a sign he is invested and wants things to work out between the two of you.
Because he is definitely falling for you harder and harder.
8. He Plans Elaborate Dates
When a guy makes a lot of effort to really sweep you off your feet, it’s a definite sign he is trying really hard to get you to fall in love with him.
He’ll plan elaborate or creative dates with a long itinerary of things to do and places to visit.
Like going to a museum, concert, or theater followed by dinner at a special restaurant and drinks.
Know that it actually takes a lot of research and hours to make that kind of plan, get the tickets and make all the necessary reservations.
Someone who puts this much effort to make sure you have a good time, is definitely catching deep feelings and falling for you.
9. He Spends More and More Time with You
Another undeniable sign that he is slowly falling for you is when a guy keeps on arranging to spend more and more time with you.
You might start off by seeing each other for a date, but that date might turn into a conversation that lasts hours. And afterwards, he still might want to see you on the next day!
Someone, who is wanting to spend increasingly more and more time with you, is doing it because he simply cannot have enough of you.
He is most certainly catching stronger and stronger feelings for you.
10. He Is Affectionate
When a guy you’re with enjoys affection, snuggling, kissing, massaging, etc., it’s because he likes feeling close to you.
He pulls you close and holds your hand. He tucks your hair behind your ear before kissing you and enjoys receiving affection from you too.
It’s a definite sign that he’s emotionally invested, that he is slowly falling for you and craving more and more closeness.
11. He Wants You to Stay Over
A guy who wants you to stay over after being intimate clearly has a hard time parting with you.
He clearly enjoyed the closeness of intimacy and doesn’t want it to end. So he’ll try to convince you to stay as long as you can.
A guy who does this is most certainly catching feelings and falling for you.
12. He Has a Hard Time Letting You Go, in General
Have you guys ever tried saying goodbye after a date, only to have it turn into another conversation? Or him pulling you close and starting to passionately kiss you?
Maybe he suddenly remembered a good excuse as to why you shouldn’t part ways just yet.
Like that he needs something from you or has something he wants to give you.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, it might feel like he is intentionally stalling, almost wanting one of you to miss your flight or train.
When a guy has a hard time letting go of you, it’s a definite sign he is slowly falling for you and catching strong feelings.
13. He Lets You Wear and Keep His Clothes
Another common sign that a guy is slowly falling for you is when he lets you wear and keep his clothes.
Plenty of girls love wearing oversized hoodies, they’re just so comfy and warm. Or wearing your boyfriend’s t-shirts.
It’s almost as though you’re having him hug you all day or all night long.
When a guy lets you wear and even keep some of his clothes, it’s because he is enjoying being able to provide you with this kind of comfort.
He’s willing to share things with you because he trusts you. It creates a kind of bond between the two of you.
Maybe this is a bit of a weird one, but it’s a definite subtle sign that he is slowly falling for you and that things are getting serious.
14. He Makes Room for Your Things at His Place
Just like with letting you wear and keep his clothes, making room for you at his place is a sign of trust.
Even if it’s only one dedicated drawer or cupboard, he is actively creating space for you in his life. And that’s a big deal!
He is most definitely slowly falling in love with you, for him to be willing to take this step.
15. He Brings up Vulnerable Topics
Being vulnerable and opening up to someone also takes trust. Talking about your past, things that hurt you, your own fears and doubts can be risky.
After all, you have to be certain that the other person will not judge you or misuse this information.
When a guy actually opens up to you and is willing to discuss vulnerable topics, it’s a big deal.
He is letting you in emotionally because he is catching feelings! It’s a definite sign that he is falling in love with you.
16. He Talks about His Plans for the Future
When a guy you’re dating starts discussing his plans for the future with you, consider it an important event.
Even if he is not directly including you in them, or making his plans around you.
Regardless of what his plans are, him bringing up this topic in itself is proof that he is thinking about making things work with you in the long term.
Maybe he is checking how compatible you are. Or trying to find common ground, so that you can both have a life that you want and enjoy.
He clearly wants you to play a part in his future, this is why he is bringing it up.
Take it as a sign that he is slowly falling for you and that your relationship is becoming more and more serious.
17. He Is Considerate and Caring
Last but not least, another definite sign that a man is falling deeply for you is when he is considerate and caring towards you.
He might go out of his way to make sure that you’re comfortable and happy, by checking in with you, doing things for you, reassuring you, etc.
A man who does these kinds of things is a great catch!
Also, him doing it is a definite sign he is emotionally invested and is falling in love with you.
How Long Does It Take for a Guy to Fall For You?
How long it takes for a guy to catch feelings and for those feelings to then turn into something more mature and serious entirely depends on his character.
Some men are easy going and ready to connect, while others are more distrustful and will need a longer time to get there.
That being said, we are all not THAT different…
A guy can develop a crush on a girl the first time he sees her or interacts with her.
But in order to actually start catching feelings, he needs to get to know her first.
It’s reasonable to expect that within the first two or three months of you guys interacting on a semiregular basis, he will start slowly falling for you.
When it comes to falling in love, it’s an even longer journey.
Research has found that on average, it takes about three months of being together for a guy to say “I love you” to his partner.
However, if you’ve been talking with a guy for longer than two or three months, and he is just continuously friend zoning you, consider it a warning sign.
When this is the case, there is no point waiting for him to catch feelings any longer, because it will likely never happen.
How Does a Man Act When He’s Falling in Love?
“We are all fools in love.”
This is a quote by Jane Austen from her most popular book: “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s a very keen and valid description of how men act when they’re falling for you.
Catching feelings for someone is exhilarating, but also scary and vulnerable.
This is why a man can act in most contradictory ways in the early stages of a relationship.
He can sweep you off your feet with the craziest of romantic gestures, only to ask for space a few days or a week later.
Or insist that you stay over and keep you at his place for a few days, only to suddenly become less communicative and more distant.
This is why you need to learn to keep your cool and read between the lines. Don’t expect him to know exactly what he wants and have everything figured out.
Men like to pretend that they know what they’re doing, and this is where a lot of confusion then comes from…
…because they can be just as scared, doubtful and insecure as us women are.
What all of these scenarios have in common, is that it hurts to love someone who isn’t willing or able to return your love.
Can You Ever Forget Someone You Love?
You can definitely forget someone you love in the sense of it not hurting you when they cross your mind.
It may take time and depending on how long you knew them, it can be months or even years before you truly forget them.
But things will get EASIER as time goes by, especially if you apply the following…
How Do You Just Stop Loving Someone?
In order to stop loving someone, you will mostly need distance from them and give yourself time to heal.
Follow these steps at your own pace, and you’ll gradually start feeling better, I promise!
1. Distance Yourself From Them
First things first, you will need to distance yourself from them.
This can often feel absolutely heartbreaking and is likely the most DIFFICULT step.
Because your attachment to them is still extraordinarily strong, and the feelings run very deep.
So the idea of separating from them might seem impossible or even wrong.
But keep in mind that you’re looking to stop loving them because it’s been hurting you too much.
Also remember that you distancing yourself from them does not invalidate your love for them!
It just means that loving them is not doing you any good.
In practical terms, distancing yourself means:
Meet them less frequently and eventually not at all
Text and call them less frequently and eventually stop
Don’t interact on social media and unfollow them
You might need to distance yourself from people they are connected to as well
I generally recommend doing this process gradually to give yourself time to disconnect slowly, but some prefer cutting all ties from one day to the next.
So do what feels right to you.
2. Remove Items That Remind You of Them
Depending on your relationship with them, there will be items and places that remind you of the person you love.
In order to stop loving them, you will need to stow away or remove the items, as well as no longer visit the places you associate with them.
So much so, that imagining a life without them seems impossible. But as hard as it may initially be, IT IS POSSIBLE.
Once you have distanced yourself, you will finally have a chance to reconnect with how YOU feel and what YOU want from your life independent of them.
My coaching clients actually find the step to be liberating, they experience it as a fresh slate of sorts, where they are free to start over again.
Whatever it is that you want from your life, who you want to be, how you want to feel, what you want to achieve…
This is your time to reconnect with all of that without bounds.
5. Speak to a Life Coach
A final step to get over someone you truly love is finding the support you need.
Whether that’s friends, family, or a life coach. They can give you the encouragement, support, and perspective you need to let go of someone you love but cannot be with.
Because you might otherwise find yourself spinning in circles and doubting your decision to stop loving them.
Another factor is how connected you were with this person.
You can think of relationships starting off as a single thread between two people…
As you get to know each other, spend time together and share intimate moments, you are adding additional threads, which are creating a growing rope that binds you.
So in order to stop loving them, you need to (at least some degree) undo some of that rope.
And as you do, your tie to them will fade, and you’ll be able to stop loving them.
3. How Much You Depend on This Person Pragmatically
Whether it’s about money, career or any other pragmatic aspect of life, if you depend on this person in any of these regards it will take longer to stop loving them.
Since you will need to REBUILD that area of your life independently of them in order to forget about them.
So, depending on these 3 factors and how pronounced they were in your relationship, it can take 6 months to as long as a few years to stop loving them.
Some of You Asked…
Why do we fall in love with someone we can’t have?
There are a few reasons for this.
One is that it may have not been clear that this person was someone you could not have.
In other cases we fall in love with someone we can’t have in an attempt to keep ourselves at a safe distance, in the hopes of never being hurt by love.
Lack of communication in a relationship is a common problem that most couples struggle with to some degree.
Being able to communicate effectively with your partner is a skill most of us are not really familiar with.
You have to know HOW to listen to make somebody feel heard.
The same is true about talking.
You have to know how to express your needs and preferences so that you CAN get your point across.
If you feel like there is a lack of communication in your relationship, chances are either your partner or you lack those skills or struggle with them.
That’s perfectly normal!
Everybody struggles with this to some degree.
The real problem emerges when you haven’t been communicating with each other for a longer period of time.
Lack of communication in a relationship can become a vicious cycle.
The less you talk the more unspoken grudges will build…
All these unresolved issues create a barrier between you that makes it even harder for you to communicate with your partner.
When this happens more serious problems tend to follow suit.
In this post I will explain why communication is so important in a relationship.
And what happens when it’s lacking, including how to start fixing it so that you can turn things around.
What Is Normal Communication in a Relationship
Before discussing lack of communication in a relationship I want to first briefly outline what you should be aiming towards here.
A lot of us have a tendency to strive towards perfection.
As powerful of a motivator it can be, it’s also important to stay realistic and make room for your own and your partner’s limitations.
Normal communication in a relationship doesn’t need to be perfect.
It’s also normal to struggle with speaking about certain topics or formulating things in a messy, all over the show kind of way.
Normal communication in a relationship is when you spend more time talking and getting along than you do holding grudges or fighting.
That your skills and efforts are good enough for both of you to stay connected and you’re both able to bring up and discuss important issues when they arise.
What Does Lack of Communication Mean in a Relationship?
Now that you know what a normal amount of communicating is, you can better understand its polar opposite.
Lack of communication in a relationship means that you cannot get through to the other.
That you have no means of speaking about important issues and you don’t know where your partner is really at.
It’s a difficult situation to be in that can go on for months or even years.
Lack of communication in a relationship is often accompanied by emotional distance and mistrust.
In some cases, it results in an increased amount of fighting.
More often than not, this problem remains hidden though.
It can be hard to notice something that is lacking.
In many cases couples stop communicating GRADUALLY.
So it’s a slow but steady process of having a harder and harder time being open and honest with one another.
Or it’s just one person who starts keeping things to themselves and consequently is holding lots of silent grudges.
They often let things go on like this for a while, until they can no longer keep it all in.
But even when they reach a breaking point, rather than communicate, they might ask for a relationship break or even say they want to leave.
How Does Lack of Communication Affect Relationships?
Lack of communication affects relationships in lots of negative ways.
It makes couples grow distant and emotionally disconnected from one another.
When you can’t tell where your partner is truly at, it’s also impossible to trust them.
And relationships can’t really function without trust.
Lack of communication also leads to an increased amount of misunderstandings, which in turn results in even more grudges, broken expectations and potentially fighting too often.
It makes couples slowly grow apart and fall out of love with one another.
A lot of our coaching clients who struggled with communicating in their relationship didn’t realise it, until it was too late.
They stopped talking to each other but it was such a gradual process, they simply got used to this new reality.
Months passed and they suddenly found themselves completely disconnected and on the verge of a divorce or a breakup!
This brings me to the next question, you guys so often ask about.
Can a Relationship Survive Lack of Communication?
Lack of communication has devastating effects on a relationship but people’s attachments are actually incredibly resilient.
We rarely want to truly let go of the one we once loved.
Even when somebody says they want to end things, it’s often their last desperate attempt to get you to chase them and finally see things their way.
This is why, yes, relationships CAN absolutely survive lack of communication, as long as you manage to fix it, at least to some degree.
But, if one of you, or both of you, continue refusing to be open and honest, you will inevitably grow apart and eventually lose each other for good.
How Do You Fix Lack of Communication in a Relationship?
Like I briefly mentioned in the introduction already, communicating effectively is a skill that you can practice and become good at.
But like with anything you have to start slow and not expect miracles to happen right away.
You can’t go from not taking and not trusting each other, to perfectly getting along in one day.
It’s going to be a gradual process and it will take time.
Fixing lack of communication requires you to learn or improve two things:
Listening
Speaking
Improving your ability to listen will help you make your partner feel heard. This is the ONLY way you can get them to trust you again and open up to you.
The second skill required for communication, speaking, is just as important as the first one.
Getting your point across is often incredibly hard.
It might take you repeating yourself over and over again, and insisting that your partner hears you out, for them to finally back down and listen.
It’s especially tricky when your partner is defensive or dismissive of what you’re trying to tell them.
Fixing lack of communication happens slowly and gradually.
But, it’s important to keep at it.
Just like with any skill, you can get there in time if you put your mind and heart to it!
How to Communicate in a Relationship With a Man
A predominant majority of our readers are women. That’s why I want to include this point here. Men have their own particular quirks and limitations when it comes to communicating.
For example, they can be pretty dismissive towards emotions and judge you as overreacting or being unreasonable.
This is why, in order to communicate in a relationship with a man you have to be able to stand your ground and not let them diminish or dismiss your needs.
You also need to approach them in a way that will encourage them to open up to you and make more effort to come your way.
It’s actually a complex problem and there is a lot to it.
If you’re looking for a complete, step by step guide on how to communicate with a man, we’ve created an online program for women to help you out with this: Rebuild Your Relationship
In it, we’ll show you exactly what to say and do, to get through to him, get him to take you seriously and finally listen to you.
We also explain how to approach men the right way, so that you can encourage him to try harder and make more effort in your relationship.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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