If you’ve ever dated someone with an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably asked yourself:
“Why aren’t they afraid of losing me? Do they not care at all? Or are they just wildly overconfident?”
Spoiler alert: it’s usually the latter. But, brace yourself, you might be unknowingly feeding the problem.
Yep, if you’re anxiously attached, your fear of losing them could be making them feel a little too secure. The kind of secure that leads to taking you for granted…
Let’s break it down, and I’ll also share how I personally got my avoidant partner to finally worry about losing me (and trust me, it was a game-changer).
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: What It Is and Why It’s So Hard to Escape
If your partner is avoidant and doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s hard not to take that personally.
You might spiral into questions like:
“Am I not enough?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
I’ve been there myself. I used to let those questions run my life. But here’s what I’ve learned: those thoughts are the fast lane into the anxious-avoidant trap.
So, what is this trap?
It’s a common dynamic where the avoidant partner tends to pull away or shut down, while the anxious partner clings tighter, needing reassurance and connection.
Each partner triggers the other. The more you chase, the more they run. The more they run, the more you chase.
How This Trap Makes Avoidants Too Comfortable
Here’s the real kicker: this dynamic doesn’t just make things tense, it trains the avoidant to believe you’ll never leave.
And that belief? That’s why they don’t worry about losing you.
I’ll give you a personal example.
Back when Gabriel (my husband and co-coach) and I were dating, I was the anxious one, and he was avoidant. Every time he pulled away, I ran straight after him, offering reassurance and pleading for connection.
He’d say things like, “I don’t know what I want.”
And I’d reply with, “But I do! What we have is special!”
Basically, I was holding up a neon sign that said, “Don’t worry—I’m not going anywhere.”
So of course he didn’t worry. I made sure he didn’t have to.
Avoidants Are Gamblers, But They Always Lose In The Long Run
Avoidants are like relationship poker players who keep betting you’ll never fold.
And guess what? You’re showing your cards every time you:
Send a heartfelt message after they ghost you
Stay loyal when they’re cold or distant
Try to “win them over” after a fight
They bet you’re hooked, and most of the time, they’re right!
But here’s the plot twist: they lose that bet in the long run. Every. Single. Time.
As a breakup coach, I talk to a lot of avoidants after the final breakup. They say things like:
“I thought I had more time.”
“I didn’t realize how much I cared until it was too late.”
“I didn’t think he or she’d actually leave.”
Cue heartbreak and regret, often when it’s far too late.
Want Them to Worry? Make It a Real Risk
Avoidant attachment is a self-sabotaging pattern that makes people push love away. But here’s the hopeful bit:
They can change.
And you can help, but not by chasing, fixing, or proving your worth.
They need to feel the real possibility of losing you.
That means letting go of the outcome.
That means risking rejection.
It means standing your ground when they cross a line.
Let me tell you what finally worked with Gabriel.
He had this breakup-and-make-up routine. It was like our toxic little tradition. The third time he broke up with me, something in me snapped. I was done begging, done convincing.
I stood up for myself. I was angry, and I let him feel it. He wanted to make sure we’re “parting on good terms”. I was too hurt to play along. I refused to see him for a month. He knew I was angry with him and that I’m not going to let him fix it.
Eventually, I cooled off, after a month of not talking I thought I was over him. I let him know I’m ready for our reconciliation and agreed to meet him for a drink. It was then and there that he came back. He was apologetic. Changed. And guess what? He’s never broken up with me since.
Your Power Move: Stop Playing It Safe
If your avoidant partner doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s because you’ve shown them, consciously or not, that they don’t need to.
It’s time to change the rules of the game.
Stop sugar-coating things to avoid conflict
Stop over-explaining your feelings
Stop making it too easy for them to come and go as they please
Your avoidant partner needs a wake-up call. And you’re the one to give it, by showing that you have standards, boundaries, and options.
Need Help? That’s What We’re Here For
If this resonates, and you’re ready to stop playing the role of the anxious caretaker, we’ve got something for you.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably experienced that confusing, frustrating moment when they suddenly go cold. One day you’re cuddling on the couch, the next they’re ghosting you with a casual “I just need some space.”
It’s not personal. It’s not logical. And it’s not your fault.
But it is a predictable part of being with an avoidant, and there are things you can do to navigate this tricky terrain without pushing them further away. Let’s break it all down.
What Is Avoidant Deactivation?
This hot-cold, come-here-go-away pattern has a name: avoidant deactivation.
Think of it like an allergic reaction, except instead of pollen or peanuts, avoidants react to closeness, love, and intimacy. One moment they’re fine, the next moment your heartfelt “I miss you” triggers their allergic reaction to love.
They withdraw. They get distant. They suddenly take forever to text back.
But here’s what you need to know: it’s not you.
Just like a cat or pollen isn’t to blame for triggering someone’s allergy, you’re not to blame for triggering your avoidant’s deactivation. It can be caused by something as innocent as a smiley emoji. Yes, seriously.
What NOT to Do When an Avoidant Pulls Away
Let’s talk about what not to do, because this part is crucial.
If they’re having an allergic reaction to love, the worst thing you can do is try to smother them with more of it. That means:
No long emotional texts
No “we need to talk”
No asking for reassurance
No surprise visits or gifts
During deactivation, your avoidant partner isn’t in a space to connect. Your job isn’t to fix them, it’s to give them breathing room without spiraling.
So what can you do instead? I’m glad you asked.
Strategy 1: Make Other Plans
When your avoidant partner pulls away get busy. No sulking. No sitting by the phone.
Make plans with your friends. Go out. Do something fun without them.
Here’s why this works: avoidants think of rejection as “not now, but maybe later.” So when you casually make other plans instead of begging to see them, they start to feel curious again.
And when they text you last minute, “Hey, do you still want to hang out?”you get to reply with:
“Oh, I’m already out. I made other plans.”
This kind of low-stakes rejection? It’s magic. It shakes them out of deactivation faster than an EpiPen. And if they follow up with:
“Wanna swing by after?”
Feel free to double-dip the magic with a second dose of their own medicine:
“Honestly, I’m too tired tonight.”
You’re not punishing them, you’re showing them that your world doesn’t revolve around their whims. And that’s how you gain their respect.
Strategy 2: Worm Your Way In with Kindness
Okay, this one’s a little sneakier.
If you know your avoidant partner is stressed, sad, or overwhelmed (and they’re not just being flaky), a little casual kindness can go a long way.
But, and this is a big but, you must approach it from a friendly place. Not romantic. Not needy. Think: “Hey, I’m grabbing pizza. Want me to drop one off?” not “I miss you so much, please let me in.”
I used to do this with Gabriel (my formerly dismissive-avoidant husband). If I sensed he was in a slump, I’d show up with his favorite food. Not to talk. Not to process emotions. Just to be there as a friend.
And guess what? His guard would drop. We’d hang out. And connection would return.
Pro tip: Don’t overdo it. Too much kindness = friend zone + taken for granted. Keep it light. Keep it rare.
Strategy 3: Set Boundaries and Pull Back
If none of the above works, or if your avoidant partner keeps pulling away without stepping back in, it’s time to play your ace: boundaries.
Avoidants test limits. If they realize you’ll keep showing up, keep doing the emotional heavy lifting, and never call them out… they’ll keep coasting.
But here’s the trick: you don’t call them out with ultimatums or dramatic monologues. You don’t say:
“I demand more from you!”
Instead, you say:
“This isn’t working for me.”
“I deserve better than being ignored.”
“I won’t be reaching out again.”
That’s how you shake them. That’s how you wake them up.
Yes, it’s scary. Especially if you have anxious tendencies. But standing your ground is how you get your avoidant to respect you, and potentially fight to keep you.
Because here’s the truth: if you want your avoidant to worry about losing you, you have to be willing to risk losing them.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with avoidant deactivation can feel like emotional whiplash. One minute you’re close, the next minute you’re being iced out. But remember:
Their reaction isn’t about you
You can’t fix them by loving harder
Rejection (in small doses) is actually healing for avoidants
Boundaries are your best friend
If you’re done feeling stuck, walking on eggshells, or being left in the emotional waiting room, it’s time to change the script.
Here, we show you exactly how to navigate the ups and downs of dating someone with avoidant attachment, and help them come toward you instead of pushing you away.
Ever find yourself wondering if your avoidant ex felt anything when you two broke up? Like, they walked away cool as a cucumber, while you were left clutching your chest like a soap opera character mid-meltdown? Yeah, it’s brutal.
Avoidants are often emotionally reserved, and they’re experts at hiding what’s really going on beneath the surface. But just because they didn’t cry into a pint of ice cream or send a midnight “I miss you” text doesn’t mean they’re not affected. The truth is: they do care, they just express it in confusing, frustrating ways.
Let’s talk about 5 signs your avoidant ex cares about the breakup, even if they’re pretending otherwise. Once you see these signs for what they are, their hot-and-cold behavior starts to make a whole lot more sense.
1. They Reach Out “Randomly” After a Short Break
Avoidants need space after a breakup, but not too much space. If they text you a week or two later with something totally random (like, “Did you ever finish that Netflix series?”), it’s not because they suddenly care about cliffhangers. It’s because they’re fishing to see if you’re still emotionally available.
They want to know you’re still there, just in case. And while they may not want to get back together yet, they definitely don’t want you moving on. This reach-out is their subtle way of keeping the emotional cord intact, without actually stepping into commitment.
👉 Pro tip: Don’t rush to respond. Give them space, focus on you, and let their curiosity grow.
2. They Show Curiosity About Your Life
They might not come right out and ask if you’re dating someone new, but they’ll find a way to find out. Maybe they ask mutual friends, stalk your social media, or slip a “So… seeing anyone?” into a casual chat.
Avoidants don’t like to admit it, but they do get jealous. If they sense you’re still hung up on them, they feel safe staying in their commitment-free limbo. But once they suspect you’re truly moving on, that’s when the real panic starts to kick in.
👉 Your move: Live your life out loud. Grow, glow, and don’t hide it. That subtle power shift is game-changing.
3. They Act Like You’re Still Together
This one’s sneaky. They’ll send a meme only you would laugh at, or suggest grabbing coffee “like old times.” Some might even act affectionate, hugging you a little too long, brushing your hand, cuddling on the couch like nothing ever happened.
And then? They ghost again. Classic avoidant.
This behavior says: I want comfort without commitment. They want all the cozy parts of the relationship, but without the vulnerability or expectations.
👉 Heads-up: Just because they act like you’re still together doesn’t mean they’re ready to be. Keep boundaries firm.
4. The Push-Pull Routine
Here it is: the emotional tug-of-war. They come close just long enough to make sure you’re still hooked, then pull away the moment you lean in. This is textbook avoidant behavior.
We call it the “hotel effect”: They check in for comfort, then check out before they get too comfortable. Because the moment it feels like home, they’re afraid they’ll have to unpack their emotional baggage and actually stay.
👉 Your best move? Stop playing tug-of-war. Focus on your own healing and stability so their push-pull routine loses power.
5. They Downplay the Breakup
Bring up the breakup, and suddenly it was “no big deal” or “probably for the best.” They might even act like it wasn’t a real breakup. Why?
Because if they admit it mattered, they’d have to admit they lost something. And that threatens their sense of control. Avoidants often rewrite reality to make themselves feel safer, even if it makes you question your own emotions.
👉 Truth bomb: If it didn’t matter to them, they wouldn’t bother minimizing it.
So Why Do Avoidants Act Like This If They Care?
Short answer? Self-protection.
Longer answer:
They think they have control over the breakup, they believe they can come back anytime, so it doesn’t feel final.
They fear closeness because it threatens their independence. Intimacy = danger to them.
They’re scared to lose power. Showing how they truly feel might make them vulnerable, and vulnerability terrifies them more than commitment does.
What Should You Do About It?
Do not keep feeding their sense of safety by being emotionally available whenever they knock on your door (literally or metaphorically). Because as long as you’re always there, they feel zero urgency to change, commit, or grow.
That’s why we created our Attach an Avoidant program to help you shift this dynamic.
Here, we teach you how to read between the lines, so that you can become more secure. We also give you actionable tips and scripts on what to say and do, to break your patterns and stop giving your avoidant ex all the reassurance they need.
Because, the moment you stop being their emotional fallback, everything changes.
And the best part? That’s when you get to decide:
Do you still want them?
Or are you ready for someone who doesn’t play these emotional mind games?
Final Thought
If your avoidant ex keeps popping in and out of your life, ask yourself this:
Are you their home… or their hotel?
Because how you respond now will determine what happens next.
If you’re stuck in this cycle and ready for a different outcome, maybe it’s time for a fresh approach. And remember, just by being here, reading this, you’re already growing and doing the work.
Your next step? Start making choices that put you first. That’s the power move.
One of the most common questions I get from coaching clients is:
“How do I get my avoidant partner to chase me?”
And honestly? Most people don’t love the answer.
Because no, you can’t force someone to change. You can’t demand closeness or get an avoidant to suddenly see your value by over-explaining your pain.
But here’s what you can do:
You can grow. You can shift. You can gently change the way you show up.
And when that happens, people (including avoidant partners) start relating to you in new, surprising ways.
If you’re anxiously attached, I know how exhausting this feels. You try hard. You give everything. And deep down, there’s a little voice that asks:
“Is this somehow my fault?”
The answer? In part… yes. But not because you’re broken or “too much.”
It’s because the survival strategies you learned (probably in childhood) are now backfiring in adult relationships, especially when you’re with someone emotionally avoidant.
It’s not your looks. It’s not your age. It’s not the number of texts you sent.
It’s deeper than that.
In this post, I’ll walk you through the three anxious traits that need to shift if you want to transform the avoidant-anxious dynamic—and yes, even inspire your avoidant partner to pursue you again.
Not by manipulation.
But by becoming the kind of person they can’t help but step up for.
1. Stop People-Pleasing and Avoiding Conflict
Most anxiously attached people hate conflict. And I get it, conflict can feel like rejection. Like the beginning of the end.
So what do you do instead?
You smooth things over.
You try to stay agreeable.
You give more love… even when you’re not getting much in return.
But here’s the catch:
When you people-please to avoid conflict, you also avoid honesty, vulnerability, and real connection.
In my own relationship with Gabriel (my formerly very avoidant partner), I realized I was treating him like a checklist boyfriend. And he was treating me like a checklist girlfriend.
We weren’t connecting, we were just fulfilling expectations.
And we were both slowly growing resentful.
Everything started to change when I stopped pretending things were fine and allowed conflict in.
Not chaos. Not blame.
But the kind of conflict that sounds like: “This doesn’t feel good for me, and I need to talk about it.”
That kind of honesty created real closeness, not distance.
2. Face Your Fear of Abandonment
The reason many anxious people avoid conflict isn’t because they don’t know how to argue, it’s because they’re scared of what might happen after the argument.
Will he leave? Will I be too much? Will this ruin everything?
I used to spiral into panic at the smallest sign of disconnection.
Until I finally asked myself:
Why is abandonment so terrifying to me?
What do I think it means about me if someone walks away?
Facing that fear was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also the most freeing. When I started doing the inner work, I stopped operating from fear.
I stopped walking on eggshells.
I became calmer. More grounded.
I didn’t need to cling anymore.
And guess what?
Gabriel started leaning in.
Not because I chased harder—but because I stopped chasing altogether.
3. Stop Giving Everything Away for Free
Let’s talk about generosity.
If you’re anxiously attached, you were probably taught that unconditional love is the “right” way to love. That giving more will eventually get you chosen, valued, and appreciated.
In a perfect world? That might work.
But in the real world, endless giving often leads to being taken for granted.
When your avoidant partner doesn’t have to put in effort, because you’re always initiating, forgiving, accommodating, they slowly start to devalue the relationship.
They don’t appreciate you more.
They appreciate you less.
Because humans value what they invest in, not what’s handed to them unconditionally.
And if you’re constantly doubting yourself and over-giving to make up for it? That self-doubt becomes contagious. They start doubting you too.
The shift here is simple, but powerful:
Recognize your worth. And make people earn access to it.
You’re not withholding love, you’re honoring it.
Final Thoughts: Becoming Secure Is the Key
If you want an avoidant to chase you, it doesn’t start with tactics. It starts with a transformation.
Stop people-pleasing.
Face your fear of abandonment.
Stop giving love that hasn’t been earned.
This isn’t about punishing your partner, it’s about respecting yourself.
And when that shift happens, everything else starts to fall into place.
In my case, Gabriel went from being distant and hesitant about commitment… to chasing me, romancing me, and showing up in ways I never thought possible. Today, we’ve been happily married for over 13 years—and sometimes, he’s even the clingy one.
The journey from anxious to secure is real. It’s doable. And it starts with you. It’s the only way to get an avoidant to chase you.
If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, over-giving, or constantly worrying they’re pulling away—you’re not the only one. These are classic patterns in the anxious-avoidant dynamic, and they can leave you feeling powerless, exhausted, and confused.
That’s exactly why we created Attach an Avoidant—a step-by-step online program designed to help you shift the dynamic without losing yourself in the process.
Inside, we walk you through how to stop chasing, break the habits that tend to push avoidants away, and start showing up in a way that naturally creates connection and closeness, without pretending, over-functioning, or playing games.
If you’re ready to stop overanalyzing every text and start feeling more grounded, confident, and emotionally safe, click here to check out Attach an Avoidant. It’s time to feel in control of your love life again.
Are you wondering if you’ve just been deluding yourself all this time? Telling yourself that your partner has all these conflicting feelings, and is sending you secret hints, when in reality they’re just not that into you?
That you’re seeing things that simply aren’t there, only because you want them to be true?
I was once in your shoes. I, too, wondered: “Am I just imagining our special connection? Does Gabriel care?” After all, he kept on telling me that he didn’t or at least not as much as I did. He would say that he isn’t looking for anything serious, but then he’d make proactive efforts to see me all the time, and we’d have such a hard time saying goodbye…
By now I’ve coached thousands of people, some of them with the avoidant attachment style, others were dating avoidants.
I can tell you with 100% certainty that you’re not just imagining things. Your partner IS sending you subtle hints and is playing games with you. ALL avoidants do this!
Does this mean that you found your other half and are going to live happily ever after with this person?
Maybe, maybe not…
Here are the 5 signs that an avoidant is more emotionally involved with you than they’re showing:
1. They Keep on Reaching Out to You
When a woman or a man keeps on texting you, it’s because they want something from you. They enjoy your company, your sense of humor, or the emotional or pragmatic support you’re providing.
Avoidants love playing things down and saying they’re just being friendly. But if they keep on texting you first, you’re more than just a friend to them.
2. They’re Hot and Cold Towards You
If your avoidant partner fluctuates between being warm and caring, and cold and unavailable, that’s because they’re conflicted. They care about you, but they’re also afraid of their own feelings. Point being, they are more involved with you than they are willing to admit.
3. They Give You a Vague Sense of Hope
They might hint at wanting to be with you forever and then take it back. Like bring up marriage or even starting a family. But then back out of it the next minute and pretend like it meant nothing.
Avoidants do this because they are secretly thinking about these things but don’t dare to commit to them just yet.
4. They End Things but Keep an Open Door
An avoidant might break up with you but insist on staying friends, or endlessly hold onto your things, let you keep their things etc. They do this when they don’t actually want to break up but feel like they have to.
All the strings that are connecting you are there to make sure they don’t lose you. They don’t want to let go, because they care more than they’re showing.
5. They Open Up to You and Are Vulnerable With You
Has your partner shared things with you about themselves that are very personal or vulnerable? Maybe they opened up about their past, or about their biggest fears or insecurities? When someone does this, it’s a sign of deeper trust and strong emotional connection.
If your avoidant partner shared some very vulnerable moments with you and let their guard down, it means they also let you into deep into their heart.
Don’t let them fool you with their carelessness. They’re only playing it cool, but deep down, they care more than they’re showing.
The truth is, all avoidants care more than they are willing to admit, however avoidant attachment is a barrier they have to be willing to overcome, in order to be in a happy and stable relationship.
Facing your own demons and admitting that you might have issues, or that you might be wrong about something, is scary. Your partner might not be able to go there without your help. They also might need you to lead by example, work on your own attachment issues and inspire them to change.
If you’re looking for guidance on how to do this, we’ve got you covered! This is exactly what we teach in our Attach An Avoidant Program.
In here, we’ll show you how to read between the lines and use your partner’s actions to strengthen your own sense of security. So that you’re less fearful or anxious and more secure.
We also give you a step-by-step guide on how to make your relationship progress and get your avoidant partner to express their feelings more.
Your boyfriend broke up with you, and now you’re wondering: Is this it? Or is he going to come back to me?
In most cases, male dumpers always come back sooner or later. There are a few exceptions to this rule, though.
My then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. He would always eventually start becoming interested and chase me again. We’re happily married now, so I’m living proof that guys come back after dumping you.
At this point, I’ve also coached hundreds of women on how to get their ex back. Many of them were asking me this very question: Is he ever going to come back? In about 90% of cases, the answer was always YES.
Our attachments are far stronger than most of us would like to believe. It’s not any easier for him to let go, than it is for you. Being the dumper, gives your ex power and control, though. Because of this, he might be acting cool or careless.
But the moment you manage to take the power away from him, he will start having second thoughts and hovering around you again.
In this blog post, I will explain why dumpers act this way and what you can expect of your ex.
Will He Miss Me After Dumping Me?
If your breakup is fresh, you must still be in the midst of an emotional storm. Being broken up with is tough. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, makes you miserable and desperate.
When you’ve just been abandoned this way, you might be wondering: Is he as upset as I am? Doesn’t he feel heartbroken about losing me too?
And if a few days or weeks have already passed, you’ve observed your ex’s behavior since then, and HE SEEMS FINE. You must be breaking your head, thinking: Why is he acting so cool? Doesn’t he miss me at all?!
Most dumpers will miss you, however, they will not miss you nearly as much as you will miss them.
The person who decides to break up generally feels confident that they could reverse it, if they chose to. This gives your ex a false sense of safety and security, that then allows him to remain cool and composed.
You might be heartbroken over losing him, meanwhile he doesn’t feel like he lost you, so why should he be upset…
To him, it’s as though you’re just taking some time apart. He might be a little sad, a little lonely, but it’s a far cry from where you’re at.
What Makes a Man Come Back After a Breakup
A dumper lives in a delusion that he is in control, you’re crazy about him, you’re more attached than he is etc. Because of this, he might stay distant and act careless without worrying about the consequences.
However, once his delusion starts to fade a little and your ex starts feeling like he is losing control over you, he will come back.
When he stops knowing what you’re up to, or your behavior suddenly changes: you’re not crying or chasing him the whole time, that’s when doubts will slowly start creeping in, and he will then try to sneakily regain that sense of control.
Some men don’t dare to or can’t come back on their own.
But they will do small things to get your attention and check if you’re still hooked or not. Like viewing or reacting to your posts and stories, posting things that are meant for you, or finding an excuse to pop by (even if it is to pick up their things from your place).
How Often Do Male Dumpers Come Back
In my experience, 9 out of 10 times male dumpers come back, but not to get back together right away.
They start finding excuses to talk, check if you still care and are interested, or if things can change (if they broke up because of some relationship problem).
Especially if he said you were perfect and then dumped you for no good reason, the chances of him coming back are close to 100%. It’s a sign you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, your relationship seemed too good to be true, so he sabotaged it.
Avoidants often need extra encouragement in the beginning. But they will always find their way back to you, as long as you don’t reject them too hard.
What Makes a Guy Not Come Back After a Breakup
There are a few cases when guys don’t come back after they dump you. They are more on the rare side, but they do happen. If any of the following situations fits your case, there is really no point for you to wait for him.
If He Broke up With You, to Get You to Chase Him
Much like women, men can sometimes give you the cold shoulder to get you to prove to him that you care. He can be doing it as a last resort, to get his point across, or because, according to him, he was making much more effort in the relationship than you were.
Needless to say, if this is the case, he will most likely not come back on his own.
When this is the case, you will need to come his way first and prove to him that you care as much as he does.
He Might Not Come Back if You Were Ignoring His Boundaries
The second case scenario when a male dumper might not come back is when your breakup became very messy.
There are cases when a guy breaking up or withdrawing, triggers something in you. A frenzy takes over, makes you act a bit crazy and you override all his boundaries.
Everybody gets desperate after being broken up with, I did, many of our clients did too. However, there are some rare cases that take it to an extreme and drive their ex away completely.
If you’ve been over texting, popping by his flat or house or work, crying, begging, convincing him, you might have sabotaged your chances for good.
He may never come back after this and will definitely not come back any time soon.
If you did this and are now blocked on everything, know that any further pursuit of your ex will only make your situation worse.
How Long Until a Male Dumper Comes Back
Here, I want to differentiate between your ex coming back after dumping you vs getting back together, because these are two very different timelines.
There are cases when an ex comes back, says he was an idiot and wants to go back to being in a relationship right away. But they’re very rare, and you actually have to wait much longer.
This could happen if he moved on very fast, his rebound failed, and he is desperate to have you back afterward.
Most male dumpers will start coming back, the moment you send them subtle signals that you might be moving on.
So this actually depends on you. It tends to take anywhere from one week to six months.
As long as you’re chasing him, he will have no reason to come back.
But the moment you make him feel like you might be slipping away, he will find a way to check in and ensure that it doesn’t happen.
Why Some Men Come Back Months Later
In certain cases, men take much longer to start warming up to you again. Some men come back months later because you continue chasing them.
As long as you’re fuelling your ex’s sense of security by: telling him you miss him, needing things from him, telling him you love him, he will have no reason to really miss you, let alone start worrying about losing you.
Even if these are rare instances that only happen once every few weeks. By acting desperate (even occasionally) you can keep your ex at bay for MONTHS.
Another reason why an ex might take this long to come back to you is when he got into a rebound relationship. When this is the case, having a new girlfriend will keep him busy and preoccupied. Initially, he will go through a honeymoon phase with her.
People tend to get into rebound relationships on a whim, though. This is why they’re often terrible matches that inevitably fail.
When a man comes back months later, chances are his rebound went wrong, and he is ready to try to fix things with you instead.
Is Doing No Contact the Best Way to Get a Male Dumper to Come Back
No contact is definitely a better way to approach your ex than chasing him, crying, begging, convincing etc. However, it has its limits too.
What you want to watch out for is doing ‘no contact’, then to only relapse into desperation, followed by doing more no contact.
Every time you’re acting desperate, you’ll be undoing all the progress and further fuelling your ex’s sense of safety and control. This is the road that will make you drift apart.
Not interacting with him alone will not make your ex come back. What’s more, men are actually quite sensitive to rejection.
In my experience, applying the no contact rule for longer than two weeks doesn’t benefit him. At that point, you’re just drifting further and further apart.
This is why we actually recommend that our coaching clients apply the limited contact rule instead.
By keeping in touch with your ex, you can undermine his false sense of safety much sooner. It also allows you to make sure that you don’t reject your ex too hard.
If you want to learn how to apply our limited contact rule in detail, this is something we teach in our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, we will give you detailed guidelines, to ensure that you can get your ex to come back as soon as possible. This way, you can be sure you’re moving things in the right direction.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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