If you’re wondering how to self soothe anxious attachment, it’s a sign you’re already on the right path!
You must already know that, unfortunately, you can’t rely on your partner for this (especially if you’re dating an avoidant!).
But you can give yourself the exact kind and amount of reassurance you need in order to feel more safe and secure in your relationship.
In this article, I’ll describe five powerful strategies to self-soothe anxious attachment. So that you can calm down, relax and feel better about yourself.
But before diving into things you can do, I want to first dispel some myths that might be making your anxiety worse.
What Triggers Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment stems from deep-rooted fears that originated in your past.
However, there is also a second, more direct source that can trigger your anxiety: the people in your life right now.
This is something I wish somebody would have told me back then when I struggled with doubts and overthinking in my relationship. Because, it’s not all on you…
Getting lost in fears and doubts can be contagious!
Others might project their own anxiety onto you and trigger you to feel the same way they do.
If you notice that you suddenly feel panicked after spending time with a particular friend or a family member, consider that they might have said or done things that made you feel this way.
Another huge but often overlooked trigger for anxious attachment is YOUR PARTNER.
I know this might be a bit surprising to hear.
After all, they’re likely the person who complains about it the most.
But, the truth is, they can CONTRIBUTE or even CREATE scenarios and situations that end up triggering both of you.
I’ve experienced this myself, it’s also true for all of our coaching clients who struggle with anxiety: we tend to get together with someone who is the opposite puzzle piece to our own character.
People who struggle with anxious attachment often fall in love with avoidants or emotionally unavailable partners.
If this is the case for you then, chances are, your significant other likely unknowingly riles you up with their indecision, carelessness, occasional unreliability, exaggerated need for space or even by acting distant and rejecting.
The same is true for being together with an emotionally unavailable partner.
How Do You Break the Cycle of Anxious Attachment
Now that you understand just how big of a trigger your significant other can be, you’ll probably guess that in order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you’re going to have to change your attitude towards them.
You’ll only continue needing things from them, they simply cannot give you.
This is a fundamental truth I wish I would have learned sooner: you need to stop expecting you from people, or you’ll end up endlessly chasing them and never getting what you want and need.
In order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you need to start seeing that your partner has their own limitations and ways of sabotaging the relationship.
Avoidants and emotionally unavailable people tend to massively underestimate the strength of their own attachment.
This is why you need to look at their actions, learn to read between the lines and trust your gut.
Deep down, you know how your partner truly feels about you.
You can trust it.
You can break the cycle of anxious attachment by becoming your own source of stability and security in your relationship.
5 Powerful Strategies To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment
Self soothing anxious attachment is all about getting yourself to relax and feel better.
The strategies I list below are things I used to do and now recommend to my coaching clients.
You don’t have to do them in any particular order. We’re all different and have our own personal coping mechanisms.
So select whatever strategy suits you best and feel free to mix things up.
1. Write Down Ten Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner
When anxiety hits us, we tend to focus on our own flaws and shortcomings.
But nobody is perfect. I’m sure there are things about your partner you don’t like, or maybe you even feel like ‘you could do better…’
To self soothe anxious attachment, take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you DON’T like about your significant other or your crush.
What are their flaws? You feel they don’t have any? Uh-uh, dig deeper, I’m sure you can come up with a lot of things…
It’s time to validate that critical and selfish part of you. It will help feel more confident and in control.
2. Over-text Yourself
Texting can be a great outlet for emotions. However, over-texting can also do a lot of damage in a relationship.
You might end up saying things you don’t mean or pushing your partner to pull away and stop replying to you.
A great hack I recommend to my clients for coping with this is:
When you feel yourself becoming clingy or needy, imagine you’re texting your partner, but actually send the messages to yourself.
This way you can let things out without any risks.
Sure, it’s not the same, you’re not going to get a response. But your significant other will like not reply in a way you’d need them to anyway!
So spare yourself any additional drama and self soothe your anxious attachment by over-texting yourself.
3. Organize or Clean Something While Listening to Music
This is actually something I still do whenever I get riled up about stuff. Gardening, repotting, cleaning or organizing things at your place are great physical outlets.
They’ll keep both your body and your mind busy.
Providing the right soundtrack for your activity will make room for you to process feelings, let out your anger or grieve at the same time.
It’s a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment and is bound to leave you tired but relaxed and with a sense of accomplishment.
4. Indulge in a Guilty Pleasure
We all have things we like doing but are slightly ashamed of. Maybe there is a new season of a trashy show you secretly enjoy.
Or you might have a book you keep on reading or a movie you like watching over and over again.
The reason you like doing these silly little things is because they likely can provide some of that sense of emotional security you crave.
It could be the themes or some of the characters that make you feel safe.
It’s ok to escape and treat yourself sometimes. Especially when you really need it.
This is why indulging in a guilty pleasure is a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment.
5. Do Something With Friends That Your Partner Refuses to Do
Surely there are things you’ve been wanting to do with your partner for a while and you just somehow never got to it.
Your significant other might have straight up refused to do them with you, or they could always find a good excuse to put it off once again.
Maybe there is a cheesy, romantic comedy you’ve been wanting to watch for a while, a challenging hike, a museum you wanted to visit or even a weekend trip you’ve been putting off for months.
It’s time to stop waiting and go find someone else, who would be happy and ready to participate in your activity of choice.
This is a great strategy to self-soothe anxious attachment.
It’ll make you feel empowered. You’ll experience what it’s like to finally get what you want from someone.
It’s also bound to make your partner at least a little jealous and motivate them to make more effort.
Can You Heal Anxious Attachment
Yes, you can absolutely heal anxious attachment. I’ve done it myself. I used to feel very insecure and afraid of being abandoned.
To make matters worse, I fell head over heels for an avoidant who kept on breaking up with me.
I’ve also helped many other clients get a handle on their anxiety and consequently turn their relationships around.
Healing anxious attachment is a self propelling cycle.
This means that the moment you feel less anxious and more confident in your relationship, it motivates your partner to make more effort.
Which in turn will help you heal further…
The most important part of this process is to jump start it, so that you start moving in the right direction.
If you’re struggling with getting a handle on your anxious attachment, and feel like it’s negatively impacting your relationship, we created a program, that can help you out: Attach An Avoidant
In here you’ll find guidance on how to rebuild your sense of security, so that you can stop feeling anxious and regain confidence. We also teach you how to approach your partner, to get them to start making more effort and give you more of what you need from them.
How do you tell if a guy is slowly falling for you?
Dating can be extremely confusing at times. Men are rarely transparent about their feelings.
What’s more, they can do and say really sweet things only to then back out of it and pull away!
This inevitably leaves you wondering “Is he really catching feelings for me or am I just imagining it?”
In this blog post, I will list all the most important signs that he is slowly falling for you in chronological order.
I’ll start off with how to recognize when he is starting to develop feelings, all the way to how to know when he is falling deeply in love with you.
This way, you can know for sure where his heart is truly at in all stages of dating and a relationship.
1. He Initiates Contact
One of the earliest signs that a guy is catching feelings for you is when he initiates contact with you on a regular basis.
This means that he writes to you first, at least as much as you do.
He might do it over text, dms, snap chat or by calling you. The platform doesn’t matter here, it’s all about him regularly taking the initiative and making the first move.
A guy who initiates contact with you clearly enjoys interacting with you and will most likely want to take things further soon, because he is catching feelings for you.
2. He Asks You Personal Questions
A guy who is slowly falling for you will make an effort to get to know you better.
He will ask you personal questions about your passions, hobbies, plans for the future, likes, dislikes etc.
And he’ll do it because he longs to understand you and feel closer to you.
He will also want to make sure you guys are a good match and could be happy together.
It’s a definite sign he is catching feelings that you can look out for even in the early dating stages.
3. He Arranges to See you
On top of initiating contact and making an effort to get to know you, another early sign that he is slowly falling for you is him arranging to see you.
He might do it by asking you out or by finding reasons for you guys to hang out together.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, he will either come visit you, suggest that you visit each other in turns or plan for you guys to meet halfway.
If he keeps on arranging to spend time with you, he clearly deeply enjoys it and is definitely catching feelings for you.
4. He Tries to Impress You
Men like to impress everybody around them. However, when a guy is trying EXTRA HARD to make an impression on you, consider it one of these weird things guys do when they’re catching feelings for someone.
He might do it by showing off his knowledge, his gadgets, taking you out to a fancy place, getting expensive tickets etc.
Think about it, someone who is trying this hard to make you consider him a good catch is definitely slowly falling for you!
5. He Is Eager to Help You Out
Men like to feel needed and like they’re good providers. Some guys will express their feelings for you through being helpful with pragmatics.
They will offer to carry things for you, fix your computer or other things at your house, help you study, pick a phone for you, take care of your car etc.
(This is particularly true when you’re dating someone with avoidant attachment. They have a much easier time communicating things with actions rather than words.)
When a guy you’re seeing is very eager to help you out in whichever way he can, consider it a definite sign he is catching feelings for you and is trying to make sure that you fall for him too.
6. He Texts You Every Day, or Every Other Day
A guy who texts you every day, or every other day, is definitely slowly falling for you.
Maybe he likes to make sure that you keep on waking up to a good morning text from him, he is sharing funny memes with you, or he simply inquires how your day is going.
Someone who gives you this much attention is clearly thinking of you a lot.
It’s a sign that he is catching feelings for you and can’t have enough of you.
7. He Is Happy to Find Out When You Have Something in Common
This is a subtle, easy to miss sign.
Did the guy you’re seeing get excited when he discovered that you two have something in common?
For example: that you like the same band, share a hobby, have the same views on a topic etc.
Maybe it puzzled you and made you wonder: “Why would this little things make him so happy?”
He is excited about having something in common with you because it makes you two a good match.
It’s a sign he is invested and wants things to work out between the two of you.
Because he is definitely falling for you harder and harder.
8. He Plans Elaborate Dates
When a guy makes a lot of effort to really sweep you off your feet, it’s a definite sign he is trying really hard to get you to fall in love with him.
He’ll plan elaborate or creative dates with a long itinerary of things to do and places to visit.
Like going to a museum, concert, or theater followed by dinner at a special restaurant and drinks.
Know that it actually takes a lot of research and hours to make that kind of plan, get the tickets and make all the necessary reservations.
Someone who puts this much effort to make sure you have a good time, is definitely catching deep feelings and falling for you.
9. He Spends More and More Time with You
Another undeniable sign that he is slowly falling for you is when a guy keeps on arranging to spend more and more time with you.
You might start off by seeing each other for a date, but that date might turn into a conversation that lasts hours. And afterwards, he still might want to see you on the next day!
Someone, who is wanting to spend increasingly more and more time with you, is doing it because he simply cannot have enough of you.
He is most certainly catching stronger and stronger feelings for you.
10. He Is Affectionate
When a guy you’re with enjoys affection, snuggling, kissing, massaging, etc., it’s because he likes feeling close to you.
He pulls you close and holds your hand. He tucks your hair behind your ear before kissing you and enjoys receiving affection from you too.
It’s a definite sign that he’s emotionally invested, that he is slowly falling for you and craving more and more closeness.
11. He Wants You to Stay Over
A guy who wants you to stay over after being intimate clearly has a hard time parting with you.
He clearly enjoyed the closeness of intimacy and doesn’t want it to end. So he’ll try to convince you to stay as long as you can.
A guy who does this is most certainly catching feelings and falling for you.
12. He Has a Hard Time Letting You Go, in General
Have you guys ever tried saying goodbye after a date, only to have it turn into another conversation? Or him pulling you close and starting to passionately kiss you?
Maybe he suddenly remembered a good excuse as to why you shouldn’t part ways just yet.
Like that he needs something from you or has something he wants to give you.
And if you’re in a long distance relationship, it might feel like he is intentionally stalling, almost wanting one of you to miss your flight or train.
When a guy has a hard time letting go of you, it’s a definite sign he is slowly falling for you and catching strong feelings.
13. He Lets You Wear and Keep His Clothes
Another common sign that a guy is slowly falling for you is when he lets you wear and keep his clothes.
Plenty of girls love wearing oversized hoodies, they’re just so comfy and warm. Or wearing your boyfriend’s t-shirts.
It’s almost as though you’re having him hug you all day or all night long.
When a guy lets you wear and even keep some of his clothes, it’s because he is enjoying being able to provide you with this kind of comfort.
He’s willing to share things with you because he trusts you. It creates a kind of bond between the two of you.
Maybe this is a bit of a weird one, but it’s a definite subtle sign that he is slowly falling for you and that things are getting serious.
14. He Makes Room for Your Things at His Place
Just like with letting you wear and keep his clothes, making room for you at his place is a sign of trust.
Even if it’s only one dedicated drawer or cupboard, he is actively creating space for you in his life. And that’s a big deal!
He is most definitely slowly falling in love with you, for him to be willing to take this step.
15. He Brings up Vulnerable Topics
Being vulnerable and opening up to someone also takes trust. Talking about your past, things that hurt you, your own fears and doubts can be risky.
After all, you have to be certain that the other person will not judge you or misuse this information.
When a guy actually opens up to you and is willing to discuss vulnerable topics, it’s a big deal.
He is letting you in emotionally because he is catching feelings! It’s a definite sign that he is falling in love with you.
16. He Talks about His Plans for the Future
When a guy you’re dating starts discussing his plans for the future with you, consider it an important event.
Even if he is not directly including you in them, or making his plans around you.
Regardless of what his plans are, him bringing up this topic in itself is proof that he is thinking about making things work with you in the long term.
Maybe he is checking how compatible you are. Or trying to find common ground, so that you can both have a life that you want and enjoy.
He clearly wants you to play a part in his future, this is why he is bringing it up.
Take it as a sign that he is slowly falling for you and that your relationship is becoming more and more serious.
17. He Is Considerate and Caring
Last but not least, another definite sign that a man is falling deeply for you is when he is considerate and caring towards you.
He might go out of his way to make sure that you’re comfortable and happy, by checking in with you, doing things for you, reassuring you, etc.
A man who does these kinds of things is a great catch!
Also, him doing it is a definite sign he is emotionally invested and is falling in love with you.
How Long Does It Take for a Guy to Fall For You?
How long it takes for a guy to catch feelings and for those feelings to then turn into something more mature and serious entirely depends on his character.
Some men are easy going and ready to connect, while others are more distrustful and will need a longer time to get there.
That being said, we are all not THAT different…
A guy can develop a crush on a girl the first time he sees her or interacts with her.
But in order to actually start catching feelings, he needs to get to know her first.
It’s reasonable to expect that within the first two or three months of you guys interacting on a semiregular basis, he will start slowly falling for you.
When it comes to falling in love, it’s an even longer journey.
Research has found that on average, it takes about three months of being together for a guy to say “I love you” to his partner.
However, if you’ve been talking with a guy for longer than two or three months, and he is just continuously friend zoning you, consider it a warning sign.
When this is the case, there is no point waiting for him to catch feelings any longer, because it will likely never happen.
How Does a Man Act When He’s Falling in Love?
“We are all fools in love.”
This is a quote by Jane Austen from her most popular book: “Pride and Prejudice”. It’s a very keen and valid description of how men act when they’re falling for you.
Catching feelings for someone is exhilarating, but also scary and vulnerable.
This is why a man can act in most contradictory ways in the early stages of a relationship.
He can sweep you off your feet with the craziest of romantic gestures, only to ask for space a few days or a week later.
Or insist that you stay over and keep you at his place for a few days, only to suddenly become less communicative and more distant.
This is why you need to learn to keep your cool and read between the lines. Don’t expect him to know exactly what he wants and have everything figured out.
Men like to pretend that they know what they’re doing, and this is where a lot of confusion then comes from…
…because they can be just as scared, doubtful and insecure as us women are.
What all of these scenarios have in common, is that it hurts to love someone who isn’t willing or able to return your love.
Can You Ever Forget Someone You Love?
You can definitely forget someone you love in the sense of it not hurting you when they cross your mind.
It may take time and depending on how long you knew them, it can be months or even years before you truly forget them.
But things will get EASIER as time goes by, especially if you apply the following…
How Do You Just Stop Loving Someone?
In order to stop loving someone, you will mostly need distance from them and give yourself time to heal.
Follow these steps at your own pace, and you’ll gradually start feeling better, I promise!
1. Distance Yourself From Them
First things first, you will need to distance yourself from them.
This can often feel absolutely heartbreaking and is likely the most DIFFICULT step.
Because your attachment to them is still extraordinarily strong, and the feelings run very deep.
So the idea of separating from them might seem impossible or even wrong.
But keep in mind that you’re looking to stop loving them because it’s been hurting you too much.
Also remember that you distancing yourself from them does not invalidate your love for them!
It just means that loving them is not doing you any good.
In practical terms, distancing yourself means:
Meet them less frequently and eventually not at all
Text and call them less frequently and eventually stop
Don’t interact on social media and unfollow them
You might need to distance yourself from people they are connected to as well
I generally recommend doing this process gradually to give yourself time to disconnect slowly, but some prefer cutting all ties from one day to the next.
So do what feels right to you.
2. Remove Items That Remind You of Them
Depending on your relationship with them, there will be items and places that remind you of the person you love.
In order to stop loving them, you will need to stow away or remove the items, as well as no longer visit the places you associate with them.
So much so, that imagining a life without them seems impossible. But as hard as it may initially be, IT IS POSSIBLE.
Once you have distanced yourself, you will finally have a chance to reconnect with how YOU feel and what YOU want from your life independent of them.
My coaching clients actually find the step to be liberating, they experience it as a fresh slate of sorts, where they are free to start over again.
Whatever it is that you want from your life, who you want to be, how you want to feel, what you want to achieve…
This is your time to reconnect with all of that without bounds.
5. Speak to a Life Coach
A final step to get over someone you truly love is finding the support you need.
Whether that’s friends, family, or a life coach. They can give you the encouragement, support, and perspective you need to let go of someone you love but cannot be with.
Because you might otherwise find yourself spinning in circles and doubting your decision to stop loving them.
Another factor is how connected you were with this person.
You can think of relationships starting off as a single thread between two people…
As you get to know each other, spend time together and share intimate moments, you are adding additional threads, which are creating a growing rope that binds you.
So in order to stop loving them, you need to (at least some degree) undo some of that rope.
And as you do, your tie to them will fade, and you’ll be able to stop loving them.
3. How Much You Depend on This Person Pragmatically
Whether it’s about money, career or any other pragmatic aspect of life, if you depend on this person in any of these regards it will take longer to stop loving them.
Since you will need to REBUILD that area of your life independently of them in order to forget about them.
So, depending on these 3 factors and how pronounced they were in your relationship, it can take 6 months to as long as a few years to stop loving them.
Some of You Asked…
Why do we fall in love with someone we can’t have?
There are a few reasons for this.
One is that it may have not been clear that this person was someone you could not have.
In other cases we fall in love with someone we can’t have in an attempt to keep ourselves at a safe distance, in the hopes of never being hurt by love.
Lack of communication in a relationship is a common problem that most couples struggle with to some degree.
Being able to communicate effectively with your partner is a skill most of us are not really familiar with.
You have to know HOW to listen to make somebody feel heard.
The same is true about talking.
You have to know how to express your needs and preferences so that you CAN get your point across.
If you feel like there is a lack of communication in your relationship, chances are either your partner or you lack those skills or struggle with them.
That’s perfectly normal!
Everybody struggles with this to some degree.
The real problem emerges when you haven’t been communicating with each other for a longer period of time.
Lack of communication in a relationship can become a vicious cycle.
The less you talk the more unspoken grudges will build…
All these unresolved issues create a barrier between you that makes it even harder for you to communicate with your partner.
When this happens more serious problems tend to follow suit.
In this post I will explain why communication is so important in a relationship.
And what happens when it’s lacking, including how to start fixing it so that you can turn things around.
What Is Normal Communication in a Relationship
Before discussing lack of communication in a relationship I want to first briefly outline what you should be aiming towards here.
A lot of us have a tendency to strive towards perfection.
As powerful of a motivator it can be, it’s also important to stay realistic and make room for your own and your partner’s limitations.
Normal communication in a relationship doesn’t need to be perfect.
It’s also normal to struggle with speaking about certain topics or formulating things in a messy, all over the show kind of way.
Normal communication in a relationship is when you spend more time talking and getting along than you do holding grudges or fighting.
That your skills and efforts are good enough for both of you to stay connected and you’re both able to bring up and discuss important issues when they arise.
What Does Lack of Communication Mean in a Relationship?
Now that you know what a normal amount of communicating is, you can better understand its polar opposite.
Lack of communication in a relationship means that you cannot get through to the other.
That you have no means of speaking about important issues and you don’t know where your partner is really at.
It’s a difficult situation to be in that can go on for months or even years.
Lack of communication in a relationship is often accompanied by emotional distance and mistrust.
In some cases, it results in an increased amount of fighting.
More often than not, this problem remains hidden though.
It can be hard to notice something that is lacking.
In many cases couples stop communicating GRADUALLY.
So it’s a slow but steady process of having a harder and harder time being open and honest with one another.
Or it’s just one person who starts keeping things to themselves and consequently is holding lots of silent grudges.
They often let things go on like this for a while, until they can no longer keep it all in.
But even when they reach a breaking point, rather than communicate, they might ask for a relationship break or even say they want to leave.
How Does Lack of Communication Affect Relationships?
Lack of communication affects relationships in lots of negative ways.
It makes couples grow distant and emotionally disconnected from one another.
When you can’t tell where your partner is truly at, it’s also impossible to trust them.
And relationships can’t really function without trust.
Lack of communication also leads to an increased amount of misunderstandings, which in turn results in even more grudges, broken expectations and potentially fighting too often.
It makes couples slowly grow apart and fall out of love with one another.
A lot of our coaching clients who struggled with communicating in their relationship didn’t realise it, until it was too late.
They stopped talking to each other but it was such a gradual process, they simply got used to this new reality.
Months passed and they suddenly found themselves completely disconnected and on the verge of a divorce or a breakup!
This brings me to the next question, you guys so often ask about.
Can a Relationship Survive Lack of Communication?
Lack of communication has devastating effects on a relationship but people’s attachments are actually incredibly resilient.
We rarely want to truly let go of the one we once loved.
Even when somebody says they want to end things, it’s often their last desperate attempt to get you to chase them and finally see things their way.
This is why, yes, relationships CAN absolutely survive lack of communication, as long as you manage to fix it, at least to some degree.
But, if one of you, or both of you, continue refusing to be open and honest, you will inevitably grow apart and eventually lose each other for good.
How Do You Fix Lack of Communication in a Relationship?
Like I briefly mentioned in the introduction already, communicating effectively is a skill that you can practice and become good at.
But like with anything you have to start slow and not expect miracles to happen right away.
You can’t go from not taking and not trusting each other, to perfectly getting along in one day.
It’s going to be a gradual process and it will take time.
Fixing lack of communication requires you to learn or improve two things:
Listening
Speaking
Improving your ability to listen will help you make your partner feel heard. This is the ONLY way you can get them to trust you again and open up to you.
The second skill required for communication, speaking, is just as important as the first one.
Getting your point across is often incredibly hard.
It might take you repeating yourself over and over again, and insisting that your partner hears you out, for them to finally back down and listen.
It’s especially tricky when your partner is defensive or dismissive of what you’re trying to tell them.
Fixing lack of communication happens slowly and gradually.
But, it’s important to keep at it.
Just like with any skill, you can get there in time if you put your mind and heart to it!
How to Communicate in a Relationship With a Man
A predominant majority of our readers are women. That’s why I want to include this point here. Men have their own particular quirks and limitations when it comes to communicating.
For example, they can be pretty dismissive towards emotions and judge you as overreacting or being unreasonable.
This is why, in order to communicate in a relationship with a man you have to be able to stand your ground and not let them diminish or dismiss your needs.
You also need to approach them in a way that will encourage them to open up to you and make more effort to come your way.
It’s actually a complex problem and there is a lot to it.
If you’re looking for a complete, step by step guide on how to communicate with a man, we’ve created an online program for women to help you out with this: Rebuild Your Relationship
In it, we’ll show you exactly what to say and do, to get through to him, get him to take you seriously and finally listen to you.
We also explain how to approach men the right way, so that you can encourage him to try harder and make more effort in your relationship.
Loving someone with avoidant attachment can be extremely difficult.
Avoidants often doubt their own feelings and intentions, because of this they tend to bombard their partners with mixed messages.
They can go from showering you with attention to being unresponsive and distant in a matter of days or even hours.
These kinds of mood swings will not be just limited to the early stages of dating.
Avoidants remain the same in a long term relationship.
They can fluctuate so much, they’ll go from telling you how much they love and appreciate you on one day, to pulling away and needing space on the next!
What’s even worse, avoidants have a tendency to continue testing their partner’s limits by pulling away and letting their doubts and fears sabotage things. So much so, they might even break up for what feels like no good reason.
Loving someone with avoidant attachment is like navigating a maze.
You have to learn to read all their hidden messages and not fall into their traps.
But before going into how to do this, let’s first talk about whether it’s something that is even worth the effort.
Can a Relationship With an Avoidant Ever Work?
When you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, there might be times when you’ll be wondering:
Why am I even doing this to myself?!
Why am I choosing to be with someone who keeps on pulling away over and over again?
Will this ever change?
I’m here to tell you, that yes it can absolutely change!
A relationship with an avoidant can work.
It is possible to win over your partner’s trust and support them in overcoming their attachment issues, so much so, they’ll become openly grateful, appreciative and committed.
I’ve seen this kind of transformation happen many times.
My then boyfriend, now husband, used to have a lot of traits of avoidant attachment. He had a fear of commitments, needed a lot of space, wasn’t sure he saw a future for us together, and all that changed!
Furthermore, I’ve observed many more avoidant attachment relationship successes among a lot of my coaching clients.
Men who were distant and hesitant to really let their girlfriends into their lives, suddenly changed and didn’t want to go anywhere without them.
The same way, women who kept on pulling away and were unwilling to commit, could suddenly make up their mind and start making a lot more effort.
Getting an avoidant to go through this kind of transformation takes effort though.
And for you to be willing to put in all that work, you have to first know if they really care about you or not.
How Do You Tell if an Avoidant Loves You?
Being able to tell if an avoidant truly loves you is not always easy.
They might tell you that they don’t think they love you as much as you love them.
Or that they’re not sure what their true feelings are.
At the same time, they’ll keep on saying or doing things that completely contradict what they just said…
Don’t let your partner fool you.
A person with avoidant attachment can fall in love. But they won’t be able to express it clearly and openly.
That’s why you’re better off reading between the lines and looking at their actions, rather than listening to what they are saying.
Here you’ll find a list of signs that an avoidant loves you:
1. They Tell You They Love You or Express Their Appreciation
One of the most confusing things a lot of avoidants do is say that they love you, or express how much they value something about you, and then backtrack on it the next day!
This happens because people with avoidant attachment get riddled with doubt.
They might have a brief moment of clarity and getting in touch with their own feelings, but it’s often followed by a flood of panic and fears.
So if your partner expressed their love or appreciation for you and then took it all back, know that they did actually mean it.
This confusing behavior is extremely common!
It’s a definite sign that you’re dealing with an avoidant and that they are falling for you.
2. They Are Considerate or Caring
People with avoidant attachment tend to have an easier time showing you that they love you with actions rather than with words or commitments.
This is why they can act in most considerate of ways:
They’ll make sure you’re feeling good and comfortable. They’ll listen to you about your problems, try to help you out, get you the things you need etc.
But again, they are very likely to play it all down, saying that all their efforts meant nothing and that they would do it for anyone.
When they say this, don’t listen to them.
Someone being considerate and caring towards you is a definite sign of them loving you, no matter what they claim.
When loving someone with avoidant attachment, you need to ignore their words and listen to their actions instead!
3. They’re Affectionate and Seek Physical Closeness
Physical touch is a big way of how a person can express their feelings for somebody else.
For some avoidants it’s easier to connect on a deeper level through physical intimacy.
They might be too doubtful of their own feelings to be able to state them in a conversation. But somehow, expressing them through affection or even sex might be much less of a barrier to them.
So if your partner with avoidant attachment is affectionate towards you or seeks physical closeness and intimacy, consider it a sign that they long to feel close to you because they do actually love you.
4. You Feel Like What You Share Is Special
This is something I’ve known from my own experience, but also heard from countless coaching clients. To you, the relationship might feel extremely special.
Deep down, you know the bond that you share is very strong and meaningful. That having this level of connection is actually extremely rare.
But your partner with avoidant attachment just keeps on playing it down and denying feeling the same way you do. Which inevitably leads you to wonder: am I just imagining it all?
You’re not just imagining it. You can trust your own judgment.
But if your partner reliably keeps on coming back after pulling away, it’s a sign that they are attached and care about you.
An avoidant who loves you will always find their way back to you!
6. They Keep On Trying to Impress You
Avoidants like to play coy. They’re generally not the type of people who make big romantic gestures. But they have other, more covert ways of ensuring that you become and remain crazy about them…
They do it by endlessly trying to impress you.
Everybody has their own ways of going about this:
Some people try to impress their partners with their extensive knowledge base.
Others like to show off their exquisite taste or culinary skills.
Some avoidants will try to impress you by being handy and doing things for you.
While others might try to flex with their expensive gadgets, clothes, tickets that are otherwise hard to get etc.
If your partner with avoidant attachments makes continuous efforts to impress you, it’s a definite sign that they want to keep you interested because they’re in love with you.
7. They’re Keeping You Chasing Them
Last but not least, one of the most common signs of an avoidant loving you is when they make sure that you always keep on chasing them.
They do it by giving you just enough encouragement for you to believe that they do really care about you.
But not quite enough for you to be able to just relax and feel like you’ve got full control over them and the relationship.
They want to keep you on your toes. As long as you’re chasing them, they don’t need to worry about losing you. It’s their way of making sure that you will stick around.
When an avoidant is making you chase them a lot, know that it’s a sign that they are attached and love you.
How Do You Love Someone With Avoidant Attachment?
Loving someone with avoidant attachment is definitely a big challenge. They’ll keep on testing you by pulling away.
On one hand, they’ll be checking what your intentions are and if you’re trying to trap and control them.
And on the other hand, they’ll also need to see that you won’t give up and walk away from them without putting up a fight.
The most difficult part of this whole problem is that they won’t be able to give you that sense of security and stability you might be so desperately needing from them.
At least not directly…
They’ll only leave hints and hope that you can read between the lines and get their message.
So you really have to trust your own gut here. You have to be the emotional compass for both of you.
Avoidants are generally too sacred and doubtful to give you many guarantees.
Pushing them to do so will only backfire. They’ll either pull away or only make you doubt everything more.
So take their words with a grain of salt and look at their actions. That’s where you can find the reassurance and stability you crave and need.
The second big component that can turn your relationship with an avoidant into a success is setting boundaries.
You need to stand up to them and tell them that they can’t endlessly keep on pulling away and testing you.
This way, you can make sure you don’t burn out and let them make you give up.
If you’re struggling because of dating someone with avoidant attachment, check out our new program Attach An Avoidant.
Here, we will help you figure out if you’re just imagining things or if your partner truly cares about you. We’ll also teach you what to do, to get them to stop sabotaging your relationship and pushing you away.
Have you just had some of your hopes shattered or your heart broken for what feels like a millionth time, and it made you wonder:
“Why do I get attached so easily?!”
I am a person who gets attached a lot, and I have a very hard time letting go.
I used to hold onto people and things, feel responsible, take the blame for when something didn’t work out etc…
So I know, from my own personal experience, how difficult of a problem our attachments can become.
On one hand, getting attached can be a sign of great strength. It allows you to build meaningful connections.
But on the other hand, it can also become your greatest weakness.
It might make you let our guard down prematurely and expose yourself to being burned time and time again.
And these kinds of bad experiences will inevitably take a toll on your self-esteem, mental health and overall well-being.
This is why in this blog post I will tell you more about my own journey of why I struggled with getting attached so easily and how I learned to manage it.
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
The number why reason why people can become attached to someone they barely know is because of all the false preconceptions about love we’re being fed all the time.
Books, movies, series and even other people sell this idea that when you meet the one, you instantly feel the spark and know that this is the person you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.
In reality, love doesn’t work this way at all.
You can absolutely feel attracted to someone at first sight! But it takes time to get to know someone enough, for real feelings to develop between the two of you.
You can’t truly love someone you don’t really know.
If you fall in love fast and easily, chances are, rather than taking your time to get to know your crush, you’re creating an idea of who this person is in your head.
Unfortunately, doing this is a recipe for disaster.
It’s like driving blindfolded, hoping that the road ahead is straight and clear.
And it never is…
I used to think in those terms too and kept on making this very mistake over and over again.
I had to learn how to recognize the signs of true love, to be actually able to finally meet my soulmate and make things work with him.
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you were never taught how to actually build trust.
Much like when it comes to love, there are also a lot of false preconceptions about how trust works too!
In fact, most people tend to mistake trust for blind faith.
This is why they so often say things like “I just need you to trust me” or “why can’t you just trust me?”
Truth of this matter is, trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
And you can’t make yourself feel something.
One of the shocking discoveries I’ve made on my journey of fixing my own attachment style was that I actually had a lot of trust issues.
What’s more, I was trying to simply override them the whole time, all by jumping into commitments blindly.
Because of this, I never got a chance to build real trust and inevitably ended up becoming anxious, desperate and needy.
Becoming aware of, and overcoming your trust issues, might be the very thing you need to do, to stop yourself from getting attached too quickly.
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
Another reason why you might be getting attached so easily, could be because maybe you’re just so eager to get people to become attached to you too.
A lot of us do vulnerable things in the hopes of our efforts being reciprocated.
I used to hope that me being open, giving and caring will ensure that people will treat me the same way I treated them. I would start liking someone quickly, hoping that it will make them like me back.
Unfortunately, this was not always the case.
I would put myself out there, only for my vulnerability to just get exploited.
What’s more, you can’t control other people’s feelings.
Which brings me to the next point…
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you’re trying to create a very particular outcome.
This used to be the case for me.
I was so invested into the whole true love narrative, it led me to become insecure and controlling.
I had a very clear idea of how relationships should unfold, and I was trying to push things that way.
But just like you can’t make someone feel a certain way, the same way, you can’t force them to commit.
What’s more, trying to do so will eventually drive them away.
So if you find yourself becoming clingy so fast, consider you might be trying to control the situation and the outcome of your relationship.
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
There is actually a flip side to this whole dynamic…
This is something I first realized in my own relationship, but also observed among a lot of our coaching clients.
There are two sides to every story.
The reason you might be falling in love and getting attached so easily, is because you keep on picking partners who are making you chase them all the time.
Or they were giving you all these signals of how much they care about you, only to then ask for space.
They’re hot and cold. Giving you mixed messages. Leaving you doubtful and confused.
If this is the case, keep in mind that they wanted you to get attached and are now keeping you hooked.
Is It Normal to Get Attached to Someone Quickly?
Now that you have a better understanding of why people get attached fast, you might still be wondering: is being easily attached bad?
The unfortunate answer is, yes, generally speaking, it is bad.
It’s not normal to let yourself be this vulnerable right away.
Even though it might feel good, opening yourself up and letting yourself get invested fast is setting yourself up for being hurt.
You need to give yourself time to get to know the person you’re with, build trust with them, and give them room to go at their own pace.
As you go through these stages, you’ll find yourself gradually getting more and more attached in a deep and fulfilling way.
But do we choose who and when we fall in love with, you might ask…
I used to think in those terms too. But it only made me feel and act as though I was a victim of the circumstances I was in.
The thing is, even though we do not have control over our feelings, we have the ability to question limiting beliefs that are hurting us.
You have to be willing to see that you might be stuck in an unhealthy emotional attachment. Which is a way of getting attached that results in a lot of pain and drives people away from you.
Once you see it in this new perspective, that’s when you’ll be able to put things into question and regain control over when and how fast you fall in love. I’ll go more into this in my next point:
How Do I Stop Getting Attached So Quickly?
The secret to stopping yourself from getting attached so easily is not to try to resist it or control it, but by questioning the beliefs that are making you act this way.
These are the five reasons why you get attached so easily:
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
Getting attached so fast is not normal and will only make you get hurt over and over again. What’s more, you can’t make others become attached to you, no matter how hard you try.
You need to truly realize this in order to be able to regain control over your love life.
You can stop yourself from being needy and desperate when you truly see there is no need for it and that it’s never going to get you the results you were hoping for.
Furthermore, you have to protect yourself and put your own well-being first.
Someone who truly loves and cares about you will respect this and continue pursuing you, even when you’re more doubtful and aren’t chasing them the whole time.
If you’ve been struggling with getting attached too fast so much, that it still ends up sabotaging your love life, this is something either my husband or I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, we will give you the right kind of reassurance, so that you can calm down and let things unfold at their own pace.
We will also tell you what you can do, to flip the dynamic in your relationship. This way, you can get your significant other to chase you for a change.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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