One of the most common questions I get from coaching clients is:
“How do I get my avoidant partner to chase me?”
And honestly? Most people don’t love the answer.
Because no, you can’t force someone to change. You can’t demand closeness or get an avoidant to suddenly see your value by over-explaining your pain.
But here’s what you can do:
You can grow. You can shift. You can gently change the way you show up.
And when that happens, people (including avoidant partners) start relating to you in new, surprising ways.
If you’re anxiously attached, I know how exhausting this feels. You try hard. You give everything. And deep down, there’s a little voice that asks:
“Is this somehow my fault?”
The answer? In part… yes. But not because you’re broken or “too much.”
It’s because the survival strategies you learned (probably in childhood) are now backfiring in adult relationships, especially when you’re with someone emotionally avoidant.
It’s not your looks. It’s not your age. It’s not the number of texts you sent.
It’s deeper than that.
In this post, I’ll walk you through the three anxious traits that need to shift if you want to transform the avoidant-anxious dynamic—and yes, even inspire your avoidant partner to pursue you again.
Not by manipulation.
But by becoming the kind of person they can’t help but step up for.
1. Stop People-Pleasing and Avoiding Conflict
Most anxiously attached people hate conflict. And I get it, conflict can feel like rejection. Like the beginning of the end.
So what do you do instead?
You smooth things over.
You try to stay agreeable.
You give more love… even when you’re not getting much in return.
But here’s the catch:
When you people-please to avoid conflict, you also avoid honesty, vulnerability, and real connection.
In my own relationship with Gabriel (my formerly very avoidant partner), I realized I was treating him like a checklist boyfriend. And he was treating me like a checklist girlfriend.
We weren’t connecting, we were just fulfilling expectations.
And we were both slowly growing resentful.
Everything started to change when I stopped pretending things were fine and allowed conflict in.
Not chaos. Not blame.
But the kind of conflict that sounds like: “This doesn’t feel good for me, and I need to talk about it.”
That kind of honesty created real closeness, not distance.
2. Face Your Fear of Abandonment
The reason many anxious people avoid conflict isn’t because they don’t know how to argue, it’s because they’re scared of what might happen after the argument.
Will he leave? Will I be too much? Will this ruin everything?
I used to spiral into panic at the smallest sign of disconnection.
Until I finally asked myself:
Why is abandonment so terrifying to me?
What do I think it means about me if someone walks away?
Facing that fear was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also the most freeing. When I started doing the inner work, I stopped operating from fear.
I stopped walking on eggshells.
I became calmer. More grounded.
I didn’t need to cling anymore.
And guess what?
Gabriel started leaning in.
Not because I chased harder—but because I stopped chasing altogether.
3. Stop Giving Everything Away for Free
Let’s talk about generosity.
If you’re anxiously attached, you were probably taught that unconditional love is the “right” way to love. That giving more will eventually get you chosen, valued, and appreciated.
In a perfect world? That might work.
But in the real world, endless giving often leads to being taken for granted.
When your avoidant partner doesn’t have to put in effort, because you’re always initiating, forgiving, accommodating, they slowly start to devalue the relationship.
They don’t appreciate you more.
They appreciate you less.
Because humans value what they invest in, not what’s handed to them unconditionally.
And if you’re constantly doubting yourself and over-giving to make up for it? That self-doubt becomes contagious. They start doubting you too.
The shift here is simple, but powerful:
Recognize your worth. And make people earn access to it.
You’re not withholding love, you’re honoring it.
Final Thoughts: Becoming Secure Is the Key
If you want an avoidant to chase you, it doesn’t start with tactics. It starts with a transformation.
Stop people-pleasing.
Face your fear of abandonment.
Stop giving love that hasn’t been earned.
This isn’t about punishing your partner, it’s about respecting yourself.
And when that shift happens, everything else starts to fall into place.
In my case, Gabriel went from being distant and hesitant about commitment… to chasing me, romancing me, and showing up in ways I never thought possible. Today, we’ve been happily married for over 13 years—and sometimes, he’s even the clingy one.
The journey from anxious to secure is real. It’s doable. And it starts with you. It’s the only way to get an avoidant to chase you.
If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, over-giving, or constantly worrying they’re pulling away—you’re not the only one. These are classic patterns in the anxious-avoidant dynamic, and they can leave you feeling powerless, exhausted, and confused.
That’s exactly why we created Attach an Avoidant—a step-by-step online program designed to help you shift the dynamic without losing yourself in the process.
Inside, we walk you through how to stop chasing, break the habits that tend to push avoidants away, and start showing up in a way that naturally creates connection and closeness, without pretending, over-functioning, or playing games.
If you’re ready to stop overanalyzing every text and start feeling more grounded, confident, and emotionally safe, click here to check out Attach an Avoidant. It’s time to feel in control of your love life again.
- Why Avoidants Don’t Worry About Losing You – And How That’s a Huge Mistake - 12. June, 2025
- 3 Strategies for When an Avoidant Partner Pulls Away - 12. June, 2025
- I Got My Avoidant Partner to Chase Me By Fixing These 3 Anxious Traits - 8. June, 2025
