How to Make Him Want You Back: 5 Steps (That Actually Worked)

Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I would know.

Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.

The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.

Plus, the experience of the guy who loved you just few days ago suddenly having zero emotional availability for my needs, was extremely upsetting to me. It triggered my core abandonment wound and sent me into an anxious spiral.

From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.

And I managed to do it, three times.

It’s now been over 11 years since our last breakup and we’re married and have been happily together ever since.

Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.

There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.

But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.

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The Quick Summary (TL;DR):

The Goal: Shift from “chasing” to “attracting” by reclaiming your value.

The Rule: Use a “soft” No Contact period (I recommend 7-10 days) to reset the emotional tension.

The Key: Focus on your “High-Value History” rather than trying to fix the old relationship.

The Result: He stops feeling pressured and starts feeling curious.

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In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make him want me back so that you too can get your ex to miss you and chase you again.

1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again

Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.

Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.

When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I suddenly had next to zero ability to self-regulate and started wondering about things like:

‘Was it my fault?!’

‘Am I not good enough?!’

‘Did I do something wrong?’

The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting him to want to come back to you.

They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.

That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.

There are many ways to go about this.

The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.

The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.

You need to heal that core wound that got reopened by the breakup, before even starting to make him want you back. As long as you can’t self regulate, your ex will remain emotionally unavailable. He needs you to be able to stand on your own two feet again, both pragmatically and emotionally.

All the experiences I described above is what allowed me to relax and feel better about myself. This in turn made me more attractive to my ex-boyfriend.

It was the first and necessary step of how I got him back.

I get that the situation you’re in might feel extremely urgent. You likely want to get him to want you back as fast as you can.

But you can’t skip this step.

You need to take some time to recover from the breakup and rebuild your self-esteem to get your ex to want you again.

Once you feel more like your old self, perhaps not radiating confidence just yet, but with a full ability to self regulate again, then you can proceed to step two:

2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation

Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.

The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.

While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.

Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.

Perhaps you already heard about this, but the unequal power dynamic between two people loving each other, makes you fall straight into the anxious-avoidant trap. This is what happened to me. When Gabriel broke up with me, he triggered my core abandonment wound and made me extremely anxious.

I was as desperate as it gets.

Desperate to get back together…

Desperate to feel like he loves me again…

Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…

Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my anxiety and desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions. I wanted to stop self regulating and keep on testing Gabriel’s emotional availability instead.

Luckily, I didn’t do this…

The biggest problem with acting anxious or desperate is that it will make your ex feel like they have full control over you.

He won’t need to worry about losing you.

He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.

Also, your ex won’t have any reason to want to get back together with you any time soon. He will feel free to act as he pleases for as long as he wants, with no consequences whatsoever.

Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.

There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:

By taking charge of the situation.

Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead. Adress your core would, self-regulate, give yourself the love your ex is currently withholding from you.

Notice your own desperation and anxiety, keep them in check. Don’t let your ex feel like he has full control over you. Don’t just beg and hope he will regret losing you and come back on his own either.

Understand, this is a game you’re both playing.

In order to get him to want you back, you have to stop letting him endlessly win, and play your cards close to your chest instead.

There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen.

You might even resort to partially cutting him off to get him to miss you again…

3. Realize That He Still Wants You

This is something that the old me would have really needed to hear back in the day when Gabriel and I were broken up…

“The thing about attraction in relationships is that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.”

The fact that your ex WAS into you, means that he most likely still IS into you.

That’s because, firstly, chemistry is not really something we have control over. It’s either there between two people, or it’s not.

Secondly, people get ATTACHED to their partners. Even avoidants do. How do I know this? Gabriel was an avoidant!

They all do get attached, no matter whether they deny it or not. It’s just human nature to get close to other people and struggle with letting go…

Even if your ex hid his feelings, because even completely emotionally unavailable types miss their partners!

Gabriel was the kind of guy to really play down his feelings and attachment towards me. (He was a typical dismissive avoidant.)

He pretended that the breakups didn’t affect him much.

And that he didn’t care whether we were together or not.

But you know what, it was just an ACT that was supposed to keep me hooked and make me endlessly chase after him!

This is something he actually now (not proudly) confirms.

So even if your ex is acting all cold and distant, don’t get fooled by that. They are only pretending to be over you.

It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that they can stay in control of you and the relationship.

Everybody gets attached.

People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…

So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.

Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.

You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you have to do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.

4. Get Them Interested Again With Self-Respect and Boundaries

Now that you know deep down your ex still wants you, let’s talk about what you can do to make his feelings for you stronger again.

The first time Gabriel and I broke up, we went for a coffee a few weeks after our breakup.

We were sitting at a nice place, catching up, the conversation was good, I was totally flirting with him a little and we both inevitably started feeling closer again.

When it was time to say goodbye, Gabriel leaned in to kiss me, as though we were still dating…

But rather than reciprocating, I moved away.

I told him, ‘You can’t just break up with me and then try to kiss me a couple of weeks later!’. And I angrily walked away.

I missed him and all, but I wasn’t ok with more intimacy without him giving me more security first.

And guess what?

Me standing my ground caused our breakup to become more real to him!

Suddenly, the tables had turned, and that interaction is what got him texting me again.

Getting your ex back is a tricky process.

You’re trying to reconnect and reignite what’s been lost. But at the same time, you have to respect where you’re at and not let him or her override your boundaries whenever they have a sudden change of heart.

On one hand, you’re giving your ex what he wants, making him feel good, making him remember the good times you two had together…

…but you also have to make him feel that their decision to break up has consequences. That the ‘boyfriend privileges’ have been revoked for the time being.

It’s your own self-respect and boundaries that make your ex miss you and want to chase you again.

They’re your best compass when it comes to deciding what to do, what to say etc.

That’s what allowed me to get my ex back. Having that coffee date experience, made Gabriel come back fast. But it wasn’t the only thing I needed to do for us to be able to finally get back together.

This brings me to the last step of your journey…

5. Remove the Barriers to Get Your Ex to Chase You Again

In reality, getting him to want you back is much simpler than we’re led to believe.

Chances are that in this very moment, he is secretly pining after you and longing to feel close to you again.

But…

…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?

That’s a very good question.

Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting your ex to want you back.

You see, people always break up for a reason.

So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you. Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.

There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.

Some of them were purely his issues. He was a dismissive avoidant, full of doubt and afraid of commitment. Other reasons, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).

My anxious attachment style and lack of self-regulation pushed him to his limit. I was needing more emotional availability from him than he could provide. I was also bad at communicating in a peaceful, constructive way.

The secret in making your ex want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him or her again (because he or she feels attracted to you already!).

It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing them from wanting to be together with you.

Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together, but also to NEVER break up ever again!

If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that your ex wants you back, be sure to check out our Ex Back Program.

Here will help you make sense of your story and remove the roadblocks that drove you apart. You’ll also get tips and a strategy of what to do and say to get your ex to come back as soon as possible.

Click here to find out more about our Ex Back Program

When I wrote this blog post, I didn’t realize how many of you would resonate with our breakup story! So many people reached out to us for advice that, since then, both Gabriel and I have started coaching both men and women on how to get their ex back and how to escape the anxious-avoidant trap.

This is when I realized I needed to expand this article by discussing another very important way of reconnecting after a breakup.

How to Get Your Ex to Want You Back by Texting

Most couples who break up stay in touch to a lesser or greater degree. It was the case with Gabriel and me, as well as most of our coaching clients.

We never cut each other off or did no contact. There was no need for it, and it also would have been completely out of my character.

Texting with each other was how we kept our connection alive and how I got him interested again!

There is one important condition for it to have a chance to work, though: you have to be coming from the right place.

Otherwise, all your efforts will only backfire and make your ex even more distant and defensive.

There are two big mistakes people make when texting with their ex:

Mistake #1: Coming in Too Hot Only Pushes Your Ex Away

One of the typical pitfalls so many people fall into is that they keep on interacting with their ex as though they were still together. They use nicknames, drop in a ton of emojis, send cute photos, etc.

It’s hard to let the breakup sink in and let go of the old ways of interacting with each other. But if your ex does it, you’re going to have to match them.

This was the case for us. After our breakup, Gabriel became way more silent and distant, and I did the same.

If he was giving me short and distant answers or even stopped responding at all, I knew it was a sign I’d been texting him too much or was being too familiar. 

As long as you’re interacting with your ex as though you were still together, he or she will remain distant, defensive, and might even pull away further and further.

Mistake #2: Not Responding and No Contact Communicates That You Don’t Care

The second-biggest mistake people make when interacting with their ex is not texting them at all.

I know this is contradictory to a lot of other advice on the internet, but not contacting your ex alone will not get them to want you back.

It’s normal and healthy to need some space after a breakup. I certainly needed it more than Gabriel did.

I was hurt and couldn’t jump straight into interacting with him as though nothing had changed or as though I was ok with being just friends with him.

But a week of distance was enough for me to heal my ego to a degree when I could talk to him again.

I know a lot of you guys have way more patience and can go on waiting for your ex to reach out first, even for months on end. This is actually a mistake, though.

If you remain too distant for too long, your connection will just gradually fizzle out.

You will gradually start giving up, and your ex will conclude you don’t actually care about them.

So if you personally don’t need any more space, and you haven’t heard from your ex for two weeks or more, text them!

Don’t just wait indefinitely, hoping that they will make the next move, because if they haven’t done it so far, they most likely never will. 

I know it’s hard to be the first one to reach out, but sometimes you have to do it. Especially if your ex is holding a grudge or struggling with something.

(Btw, I’ve written a whole guide on how and when to text your ex after no contact.)

Make Them Want You Back by Texting Them as Though You Were Dating Again

Making your ex want you back through text requires you to approach him or her as though you just started dating.

This is what I did, and this is how I won Gabriel over again. I knew what he liked about me, so I used that understanding to my advantage. I bragged about my adventures and flirted with him covertly. I knew he had a soft spot for feeling cared for (who doesn’t?) so I also made sure to check in with him if I hadn’t heard from him in a while.

You have to remain a bit distant, guarded, and mysterious to capture your ex’s attention and make them miss you.

But at the same time, you also have to initiate from time to time and flirt to communicate that you’re interested and encourage them to pursue you again.

If you’re looking for personal guidance on what to do in your particular case, I can help you out in a One-on-One Coaching call.

Here, I’ll carefully listen and reassure you that the breakup was not your fault (at least not entirely!). I’ll explain what went wrong and what you’ll need to do to win your ex’s heart again.

And in case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back permanently, you can also read Gabriel’s article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!

Karolina

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Frequently Asked Questions

Q: How long does the No Contact Rule take to work?

A: While many experts suggest 30–60 days, I completely disagree. In my experience, most exes begin missing you after just one week. I personally never did more than 10 days of no contact. However, you may need longer to manage your own desperation so you don’t accidentally push him away when you eventually reconnect.

Q: Should I text him first if I want him back?

A: Yes, it is perfectly okay to text him first. In fact, a neutral, emotion-free conversation can often help an ex miss you more than total silence. However, you must be in the right headspace. Do not reach out if you are looking for reassurance or trying to convince him of anything; the goal is to show him you are centered, not chasing.

Q: What is the single biggest mistake that stops an ex from coming back?

A: It’s overloading your ex with your emotions. You’ll likely do this without even realizing it. Needing any form of reassurance or emotional support often comes across as overriding the breakup boundary, which inevitably pushes your ex further away.

Q: What if he is already dating someone else?

A: Seeing an ex with a “rebound” is painful, but it often works in your favor. These relationships are usually used to mask pain. By staying centered and following my 5-step guide, you remain the “high-value” history, while the new relationship faces the inevitable comparison to what you two shared.

Q: How do I handle seeing him on social media or in public?

A: Social media is a platform to reach out without actually having to reach out. The best guideline is to treat your ex like a man you barely know but want to impress. Instead of “doom-scrolling,” focus on your own presence: post things that make you look attractive and desirable, allowing him to see what he’s missing from a distance.The same principle should be applied in public: be polite, look your best, match his energy.

Q: Is it possible to get him back if the breakup was messy?

A: Yes, but only if you treat the “new” relationship as a fresh start. You cannot rebuild on a cracked foundation. In my journey with Gabriel, we broke up 3 times because we tried to fix the old us. It only stuck when we became “new” versions of ourselves before reuniting.