If you’ve ever dated someone with an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably asked yourself:
“Why aren’t they afraid of losing me? Do they not care at all? Or are they just wildly overconfident?”
Spoiler alert: it’s usually the latter. But, brace yourself, you might be unknowingly feeding the problem.
Yep, if you’re anxiously attached, your fear of losing them could be making them feel a little too secure. The kind of secure that leads to taking you for granted…
Let’s break it down, and I’ll also share how I personally got my avoidant partner to finally worry about losing me (and trust me, it was a game-changer).
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: What It Is and Why It’s So Hard to Escape
If your partner is avoidant and doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s hard not to take that personally.
You might spiral into questions like:
- “Am I not enough?”
- “What’s wrong with me?”
I’ve been there myself. I used to let those questions run my life. But here’s what I’ve learned: those thoughts are the fast lane into the anxious-avoidant trap.
So, what is this trap?
It’s a common dynamic where the avoidant partner tends to pull away or shut down, while the anxious partner clings tighter, needing reassurance and connection.
Each partner triggers the other. The more you chase, the more they run. The more they run, the more you chase.
How This Trap Makes Avoidants Too Comfortable
Here’s the real kicker: this dynamic doesn’t just make things tense, it trains the avoidant to believe you’ll never leave.
And that belief? That’s why they don’t worry about losing you.
I’ll give you a personal example.
Back when Gabriel (my husband and co-coach) and I were dating, I was the anxious one, and he was avoidant. Every time he pulled away, I ran straight after him, offering reassurance and pleading for connection.
He’d say things like, “I don’t know what I want.”
And I’d reply with, “But I do! What we have is special!”
Basically, I was holding up a neon sign that said, “Don’t worry—I’m not going anywhere.”
So of course he didn’t worry. I made sure he didn’t have to.
Avoidants Are Gamblers, But They Always Lose In The Long Run
Avoidants are like relationship poker players who keep betting you’ll never fold.
And guess what? You’re showing your cards every time you:
- Send a heartfelt message after they ghost you
- Stay loyal when they’re cold or distant
- Try to “win them over” after a fight
They bet you’re hooked, and most of the time, they’re right!
But here’s the plot twist: they lose that bet in the long run. Every. Single. Time.
As a breakup coach, I talk to a lot of avoidants after the final breakup. They say things like:
- “I thought I had more time.”
- “I didn’t realize how much I cared until it was too late.”
- “I didn’t think he or she’d actually leave.”
Cue heartbreak and regret, often when it’s far too late.
Want Them to Worry? Make It a Real Risk
Avoidant attachment is a self-sabotaging pattern that makes people push love away. But here’s the hopeful bit:
They can change.
And you can help, but not by chasing, fixing, or proving your worth.
They need to feel the real possibility of losing you.
That means letting go of the outcome.
That means risking rejection.
It means standing your ground when they cross a line.
Let me tell you what finally worked with Gabriel.
He had this breakup-and-make-up routine. It was like our toxic little tradition. The third time he broke up with me, something in me snapped. I was done begging, done convincing.
I stood up for myself. I was angry, and I let him feel it. He wanted to make sure we’re “parting on good terms”. I was too hurt to play along. I refused to see him for a month. He knew I was angry with him and that I’m not going to let him fix it.
Eventually, I cooled off, after a month of not talking I thought I was over him. I let him know I’m ready for our reconciliation and agreed to meet him for a drink. It was then and there that he came back. He was apologetic. Changed. And guess what? He’s never broken up with me since.
Your Power Move: Stop Playing It Safe
If your avoidant partner doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s because you’ve shown them, consciously or not, that they don’t need to.
It’s time to change the rules of the game.
- Stop sugar-coating things to avoid conflict
- Stop over-explaining your feelings
- Stop making it too easy for them to come and go as they please
Your avoidant partner needs a wake-up call. And you’re the one to give it, by showing that you have standards, boundaries, and options.
Need Help? That’s What We’re Here For
If this resonates, and you’re ready to stop playing the role of the anxious caretaker, we’ve got something for you.
Gabriel and I created a program called Attach an Avoidant.
It’s designed to help you:
- Step out of anxious patterns
- Reclaim your power
- Stand up to your avoidant partner (without pushing them away)
You’ll learn exactly what to say and do to make them take you and the relationship more seriously.
Want to check it out? [We’ve linked it here.]
And if you’re craving more advice on how attachment styles mess with love (and
You deserve a relationship where you don’t have to convince someone to care.
Let’s help you build that.
Karolina
- Why Avoidants Don’t Worry About Losing You – And How That’s a Huge Mistake - 12. June, 2025
- 3 Strategies for When an Avoidant Partner Pulls Away - 12. June, 2025
- I Got My Avoidant Partner to Chase Me By Fixing These 3 Anxious Traits - 8. June, 2025
