If you have ever been caught in the anxious avoidant cycle, you know how draining it can be. One partner is chasing closeness, while the other pulls away. Both feel misunderstood, and the relationship turns into a rollercoaster.
That was exactly the pattern between me and my husband, Gabriel, in the early years of our relationship.
Our Anxious Avoidant Story
When Gabriel and I first met in 2012, things moved fast. He was attentive and caring, even planning surprise trips. But a few months in, our anxious avoidant dynamic appeared. I craved more closeness, while he needed more independence. I wanted commitment, he was not sure.
Six months later, I took him to a wedding to meet my whole family, and that is where we had our first breakup. That moment kicked off a painful cycle of breakups and makeups. Each time, things got harder for me as my anxiety grew and his avoidance deepened.
The Breaking Point
After our third breakup, I hit my limit. I realized I could not keep fixing the relationship by myself. I wanted a stable, dependable partner, and if Gabriel could not give me that, I had to accept it.
That decision, to stop doing all the emotional heavy lifting, was the first breakthrough. Instead of hiding my feelings or trying to manage the relationship, I got honest about where I was.
Ironically, this shift is what pulled Gabriel closer. He saw I was not playing the same role anymore. I was not cushioning him from my pain or making excuses. If he wanted to stay in my life, he had to step up.
The Power of Letting Go
When I let go of carrying the relationship alone, Gabriel began to take more responsibility. He started making more effort, rebuilding trust, and rebuilding our friendship.
It was not immediate. We both dated other people in that time, and it showed us how rare our emotional connection was. Our chemistry, our shared values, and our laughter were not easy to replace.
This was the first big change that helped break us out of the anxious avoidant trap.
Breakthrough 2: Communication
The second change was communication, real two-way communication.
Gabriel had often said that I was not listening to him. Eventually, I understood what he meant. I began listening in the way he needed, and it made a huge difference. A week later, we had the same kind of argument, only this time it was reversed. Gabriel learned how to make me feel heard.
That was the second breakthrough, learning to listen, to speak up, and to make each other feel understood.
Why Avoidants Pull Away
Avoidants do not pull away because they do not care.They withdraw when the emotional connection feels broken. During the honeymoon phase, things feel effortless because both partners are open and vulnerable. Over time, routines form, expectations pile up, and real communication drops. That is when avoidants start to distance themselves.
What keeps them close is not endless patience or giving unlimited space. It is maintaining the emotional bond.
What Finally Made Him Commit
Here is a quick summary for you guys. The two changes we made that helped us escape the anxious-avoidant trap were:
I stopped trying to fix everything by myself, which forced Gabriel to step up
We rebuilt our bond through honest, two-way communication.
This combination strengthened our friendship, deepened our love, and intensified our chemistry. We are not perfect, and we still have conflicts, but now we handle them in a way that does not damage our connection. We have not broken up since 2013.
Key Takeaway
If you are wondering how to make your avoidant partner commit, it is not about chasing harder, giving unlimited space, or putting your needs aside. It is about creating a genuine emotional bond where both people share the work.
Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your partner. Do not try to fix everything alone. Connection and communication are what keep avoidants invested.
Want to Go Deeper?
Changing your dynamic with an avoidant partner is a gradual process, and you do not have to do it all alone.
It walks you through the stages of an avoidant relationship, the common pitfalls, and how to communicate in a way that creates closeness without chasing.
If you’ve ever dated someone with an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably asked yourself:
“Why aren’t they afraid of losing me? Do they not care at all? Or are they just wildly overconfident?”
Spoiler alert: it’s usually the latter. But, brace yourself, you might be unknowingly feeding the problem.
Yep, if you’re anxiously attached, your fear of losing them could be making them feel a little too secure. The kind of secure that leads to taking you for granted…
Let’s break it down, and I’ll also share how I personally got my avoidant partner to finally worry about losing me (and trust me, it was a game-changer).
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: What It Is and Why It’s So Hard to Escape
If your partner is avoidant and doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s hard not to take that personally.
You might spiral into questions like:
“Am I not enough?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
I’ve been there myself. I used to let those questions run my life. But here’s what I’ve learned: those thoughts are the fast lane into the anxious-avoidant trap.
So, what is this trap?
It’s a common dynamic where the avoidant partner tends to pull away or shut down, while the anxious partner clings tighter, needing reassurance and connection.
Each partner triggers the other. The more you chase, the more they run. The more they run, the more you chase.
How This Trap Makes Avoidants Too Comfortable
Here’s the real kicker: this dynamic doesn’t just make things tense, it trains the avoidant to believe you’ll never leave.
And that belief? That’s why they don’t worry about losing you.
I’ll give you a personal example.
Back when Gabriel (my husband and co-coach) and I were dating, I was the anxious one, and he was avoidant. Every time he pulled away, I ran straight after him, offering reassurance and pleading for connection.
He’d say things like, “I don’t know what I want.”
And I’d reply with, “But I do! What we have is special!”
Basically, I was holding up a neon sign that said, “Don’t worry—I’m not going anywhere.”
So of course he didn’t worry. I made sure he didn’t have to.
Avoidants Are Gamblers, But They Always Lose In The Long Run
Avoidants are like relationship poker players who keep betting you’ll never fold.
And guess what? You’re showing your cards every time you:
Send a heartfelt message after they ghost you
Stay loyal when they’re cold or distant
Try to “win them over” after a fight
They bet you’re hooked, and most of the time, they’re right!
But here’s the plot twist: they lose that bet in the long run. Every. Single. Time.
As a breakup coach, I talk to a lot of avoidants after the final breakup. They say things like:
“I thought I had more time.”
“I didn’t realize how much I cared until it was too late.”
“I didn’t think he or she’d actually leave.”
Cue heartbreak and regret, often when it’s far too late.
Want Them to Worry? Make It a Real Risk
Avoidant attachment is a self-sabotaging pattern that makes people push love away. But here’s the hopeful bit:
They can change.
And you can help, but not by chasing, fixing, or proving your worth.
They need to feel the real possibility of losing you.
That means letting go of the outcome.
That means risking rejection.
It means standing your ground when they cross a line.
Let me tell you what finally worked with Gabriel.
He had this breakup-and-make-up routine. It was like our toxic little tradition. The third time he broke up with me, something in me snapped. I was done begging, done convincing.
I stood up for myself. I was angry, and I let him feel it. He wanted to make sure we’re “parting on good terms”. I was too hurt to play along. I refused to see him for a month. He knew I was angry with him and that I’m not going to let him fix it.
Eventually, I cooled off, after a month of not talking I thought I was over him. I let him know I’m ready for our reconciliation and agreed to meet him for a drink. It was then and there that he came back. He was apologetic. Changed. And guess what? He’s never broken up with me since.
Your Power Move: Stop Playing It Safe
If your avoidant partner doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s because you’ve shown them, consciously or not, that they don’t need to.
It’s time to change the rules of the game.
Stop sugar-coating things to avoid conflict
Stop over-explaining your feelings
Stop making it too easy for them to come and go as they please
Your avoidant partner needs a wake-up call. And you’re the one to give it, by showing that you have standards, boundaries, and options.
Need Help? That’s What We’re Here For
If this resonates, and you’re ready to stop playing the role of the anxious caretaker, we’ve got something for you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your avoidant ex felt anything when you two broke up? Like, they walked away cool as a cucumber, while you were left clutching your chest like a soap opera character mid-meltdown? Yeah, it’s brutal.
Avoidants are often emotionally reserved, and they’re experts at hiding what’s really going on beneath the surface. But just because they didn’t cry into a pint of ice cream or send a midnight “I miss you” text doesn’t mean they’re not affected. The truth is: they do care, they just express it in confusing, frustrating ways.
Let’s talk about 5 signs your avoidant ex cares about the breakup, even if they’re pretending otherwise. Once you see these signs for what they are, their hot-and-cold behavior starts to make a whole lot more sense.
1. They Reach Out “Randomly” After a Short Break
Avoidants need space after a breakup, but not too much space. If they text you a week or two later with something totally random (like, “Did you ever finish that Netflix series?”), it’s not because they suddenly care about cliffhangers. It’s because they’re fishing to see if you’re still emotionally available.
They want to know you’re still there, just in case. And while they may not want to get back together yet, they definitely don’t want you moving on. This reach-out is their subtle way of keeping the emotional cord intact, without actually stepping into commitment.
👉 Pro tip: Don’t rush to respond. Give them space, focus on you, and let their curiosity grow.
2. They Show Curiosity About Your Life
They might not come right out and ask if you’re dating someone new, but they’ll find a way to find out. Maybe they ask mutual friends, stalk your social media, or slip a “So… seeing anyone?” into a casual chat.
Avoidants don’t like to admit it, but they do get jealous. If they sense you’re still hung up on them, they feel safe staying in their commitment-free limbo. But once they suspect you’re truly moving on, that’s when the real panic starts to kick in.
👉 Your move: Live your life out loud. Grow, glow, and don’t hide it. That subtle power shift is game-changing.
3. They Act Like You’re Still Together
This one’s sneaky. They’ll send a meme only you would laugh at, or suggest grabbing coffee “like old times.” Some might even act affectionate, hugging you a little too long, brushing your hand, cuddling on the couch like nothing ever happened.
And then? They ghost again. Classic avoidant.
This behavior says: I want comfort without commitment. They want all the cozy parts of the relationship, but without the vulnerability or expectations.
👉 Heads-up: Just because they act like you’re still together doesn’t mean they’re ready to be. Keep boundaries firm.
4. The Push-Pull Routine
Here it is: the emotional tug-of-war. They come close just long enough to make sure you’re still hooked, then pull away the moment you lean in. This is textbook avoidant behavior.
We call it the “hotel effect”: They check in for comfort, then check out before they get too comfortable. Because the moment it feels like home, they’re afraid they’ll have to unpack their emotional baggage and actually stay.
👉 Your best move? Stop playing tug-of-war. Focus on your own healing and stability so their push-pull routine loses power.
5. They Downplay the Breakup
Bring up the breakup, and suddenly it was “no big deal” or “probably for the best.” They might even act like it wasn’t a real breakup. Why?
Because if they admit it mattered, they’d have to admit they lost something. And that threatens their sense of control. Avoidants often rewrite reality to make themselves feel safer, even if it makes you question your own emotions.
👉 Truth bomb: If it didn’t matter to them, they wouldn’t bother minimizing it.
So Why Do Avoidants Act Like This If They Care?
Short answer? Self-protection.
Longer answer:
They think they have control over the breakup, they believe they can come back anytime, so it doesn’t feel final.
They fear closeness because it threatens their independence. Intimacy = danger to them.
They’re scared to lose power. Showing how they truly feel might make them vulnerable, and vulnerability terrifies them more than commitment does.
What Should You Do About It?
Do not keep feeding their sense of safety by being emotionally available whenever they knock on your door (literally or metaphorically). Because as long as you’re always there, they feel zero urgency to change, commit, or grow.
That’s why we created our Attach an Avoidant program to help you shift this dynamic.
Here, we teach you how to read between the lines, so that you can become more secure. We also give you actionable tips and scripts on what to say and do, to break your patterns and stop giving your avoidant ex all the reassurance they need.
Because, the moment you stop being their emotional fallback, everything changes.
And the best part? That’s when you get to decide:
Do you still want them?
Or are you ready for someone who doesn’t play these emotional mind games?
Final Thought
If your avoidant ex keeps popping in and out of your life, ask yourself this:
Are you their home… or their hotel?
Because how you respond now will determine what happens next.
If you’re stuck in this cycle and ready for a different outcome, maybe it’s time for a fresh approach. And remember, just by being here, reading this, you’re already growing and doing the work.
Your next step? Start making choices that put you first. That’s the power move.
Then comes the second punch in the gut: finding out your ex is already dating someone new.
And it seems serious.
You’re still reeling, heartbroken, and confused… and they’re off smiling in photos with someone else.
It doesn’t feel fair.
It doesn’t make sense.
And you’re left wondering:
“Did I mean anything to them?”
“Was I just a placeholder?”
“How can someone move on so quickly—don’t they feel anything?”
Let’s talk about what might actually be going on.
1. The Relationship May Have Been Breaking Down for a While
What felt sudden to you may have been a long, slow decline for them.
Breakups can blindside one person and feel like “finally pulling the plug” to the other. Just because you didn’t know the end was coming doesn’t mean they didn’t.
Sometimes people silently detach for weeks or months before they leave.
That doesn’t make it okay, they should’ve told you. But it does help explain why they were able to move on so quickly. They were already halfway out.
2. They May Have Checked Out Emotionally Before They Left
Some people can’t express what they’re feeling, so they stuff it down and start pulling away emotionally instead.
They might smile and say “everything’s fine” while inside, they’re already planning their exit.
If you noticed emotional distance, coldness, or inconsistency toward the end, you weren’t imagining it, they had already started moving on internally, even if they didn’t say it.
3. They Might Have Had Someone Else Waiting in the Wings
This one hurts, but it’s possible.
Some people start talking to someone else before they leave the relationship.
It might’ve been just emotional.
It might’ve been physical.
Either way, it means they had a head start.
If your ex started dating someone immediately after your breakup, they probably weren’t starting from scratch. That doesn’t mean the new relationship is deep or healthy, it just means they were too scared or selfish to be honest with you.
4. They Might Be Avoidant or Emotionally Insecure
People with avoidant attachment often leave relationships suddenly and start new ones fast.
Not because they’re over you.
But because they want to escape intimacy and regain control.
Their behavior might look cold, impulsive, or cruel. In reality, it’s often a coping strategy, trying to run from their own emotions by distracting themselves with someone new.
This isn’t about you. It’s about their emotional wiring.
5. Some People Just Can’t Be Alone
It doesn’t mean they’re in love.
It means they’re uncomfortable being single.
There are people who jump straight into a new relationship because they don’t know how to sit with loss, uncertainty, or emotional discomfort.
It’s not love, it’s panic.
It may even look like a fairy-tale romance from the outside, but underneath, it’s usually shallow and short-lived.
So… Did You Mean Anything to Them?
Yes.
Probably more than you realize.
But people show love based on their emotional maturity, not just their feelings.
If they didn’t process the breakup, reflect on their role in the relationship, or give themselves time to feel anything, that’s not strength. That’s avoidance.
Their new relationship isn’t proof that they’re over you. It’s proof that they needed a distraction.
Will They Stay With the New Person?
Hard to say.
Most “rebound” relationships end quickly. But not all.
It depends on:
How long you were together
How serious your connection was
How emotionally healthy your ex is
Even if they stay with someone new, that doesn’t erase your relationship.
They still carry the imprint of what they had with you, especially if your bond was deep.
So What Should You Do Now?
That depends on your goal.
If you want to move on, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your healing.
Don’t stalk their new relationship. Don’t obsess over whether they’re happy.
It will only hurt you.
But if you want to reconnect with your ex… that’s still possible. Even if they’re dating someone new.
We’ve helped hundreds of women get their ex back, after he or she moved on.
The secret?
Giving them the space to feel what they lost, without chasing or begging.
Want Help Reconnecting with Your Ex?
Our online program walks you step-by-step through how to re-attract your ex (without sacrificing your dignity).
We’ll show you how to rebuild connection, re-open communication, and shift the emotional dynamic, even if your ex is with someone else right now.
Are you feeling worried or anxious? Maybe even a little panicked that your man is losing interest in you?
The other day he may have been a little inattentive, dismissive or snappy with you. Or when you want to snuggle or have sex, he’s just always “Not in the mood right now…”
He seems to prefer spending more time with others -or his phone- and avoids prolonged eye-contact, and might even straight up disappear without a word and leave you alone.
It’s normal for the honeymoon phase to fade, but there are degrees at which relationships deteriorate. And since you’re here, it’s likely feeling critical…
Now, however he is communicating his disinterest, I’m here to help you with that.
First by clarifying whether he is actually losing interest with the help of 10 signs for you to look out for.
And secondly, we’ll get into what you can do to COUNTER-STEER him not taking notice of you.
Hi, I’m Gabriel and I run this blog with my wife Karolina. In this post, I’ll be evaluating your situation and answering your questions, while giving you direction from a man’s perspective.
So let’s take a deep breath…. Relax on the exhale, and do this together.
10 Signs He Is Losing Interest In You
There are many indicators that you’ll need to look out for, some more subtle, others rather blatant.
Look out for the following signs and see how many fit for you. The more do, the clearer the unfortunate answer that you are losing him.
But don’t worry, even if you’re on the unlucky side of things, we’ll cover what you can do to remedy your situation and draw him back in -right after we cover these signs!
1. Is he emotionally withdrawing since more than a week?
One of the first things a man will do when he’s losing interest is emotionally withdraw from you.
Where you once felt an air of warmth, charm and love emanating from him, you now feel quite the opposite.
He seems… distant, reserved and has gone silent -in an almost UNKIND manner.
When your man has been this way for more than a week and continues to be, then you have your first sign that he is losing interest.
2. Does he avoid physical touch?
Physical touch is a large part of what distinguishes platonic relationships from romantic ones.
And I’m sure you appreciate and crave closeness just like anybody else. You and your partner will have your familiar ways of touching, being affectionate, and loving towards one another.
So when he suddenly starts avoiding physical touch, it’s likely something you notice pretty QUICKLY.
When you seek a reassuring touch, he might avoid it, move your hands off of himself or even walk away from you without a word.
If a man is AVOIDING your physical touch in this way, consider it another sign that he is losing interest.
3. Is he avoiding eye contact with you?
Did you know that the human face has 42 individual muscles? This is what allows us to express so much complex emotion with our partner without even exchanging a word.
And it’s when your eyes meet that you read each other’s facial expressions to determine what the other side is feeling and thinking… It plays a large role in how we connect.
Avoiding eye contact is a means of not connecting, of NOT LETTING someone read you, because they don’t want to let you in.
So if he is not meeting your gaze or avoiding eye contact, it is a sign that he is distancing himself and becoming less attentive.
4. Does he have an excuse ready every time you want to be intimate?
Intimacy, arguably, plays the biggest part in what makes a romantic relationship -romantic!
It is a beautiful means of deeply connecting, exploring and getting to know each other in new and exciting ways every time.
One that you don’t just share with anybody, because it carries a lot of meaning.
So if he has an excuse ready every time you desire intimacy:
“I’m tired…”
“I want to go workout”
“I’m meeting friends”
“I can’t, I’m busy with work”
And if it’s been a few weeks since you had sex, or he avoids sex altogether (and it’s not caused by understandable physical complications that got in the way)…
…then it is an indication he is losing interest in you and a cause for concern.
5. Have you suggested activities together, that he keeps declining?
When you feel something is off in your relationship, your reaction may be to fix it by reconnecting with an activity together.
Sports, games, museum visits, whatever shared interests you previously had will likely have come to mind.
But when you propose activities that you know for a fact he likes, and he repeatedly refuses them, then something is definitely off…
6. Is he distant during sex?
Although couples often develop routines for their time between the sheets and their sex might look like the same thing over and over again, it can actually FEEL very different each time.
Because where your partner is at emotionally and mentally translates all the way down to his fingertips and across into your body…
This goes the other way around too, of course.
Where you guys are coming from in your lovemaking can make it feel like cloud nine or crappy.
And when he’s distant or absent during sex, you will FEEL and notice that!
So if you’ve experienced him being increasingly unavailable, and it feels like he’s barely noticing you during sex, then it’s a definite sign he is losing interest.
7. Does he avoid you at events or parties?
Social engagements with your partner are fun, right? — Or are they?
There are few things more humiliating than going to an event with him, whereupon arriving, he immediately ducks out and avoids you like the plague throughout the evening.
Especially if you see him laughing and enjoying himself with others -or worse, with other women.
Unless you’ve had a big fight just before the party that left you both fuming and ignoring each other, there is no reason for him to be acting this way, unless of course he is no longer partial towards you…
8. Is he paying more attention to other women than to you?
It’s perfectly common for either of you to sneak a guilty glance at an attractive passer by every once in a while.
But if he’s making a habit of it, is talking to other women, and giving them more attention than he does to you, that’s a definite RED-ALERT!
(Whether these interactions are in person or online.)
You are his partner and as such, deserve to have priority and exclusivity when it comes to his attention.
So if you feel like second place, like he doesn’t love you anymore, and he’s endlessly taking more time for other women than he does for you, take it as a definite sign that he is losing interest.
9. Does he seem to be on autopilot with you?
We can all get overwhelmed with our demanding lives and the people in it at times…
So we zone out, put on cruise control and meander through our day just to make it home for some shut-eye. During these times we’re inattentive, easily distracted and unfocused.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this inattentive side of him too, and that’s perfectly okay from TIME TO TIME:
“Sorry, did you say something?”
“Yeah, honey of course… — what?”
“Sure, sure, whatever you say”
But if him not listening, being unresponsive or not being present with you is STANDARD procedure, where he’s constantly on autopilot and drifts off, then that’s another sign for you.
10. Is he taking more liberties with bad behavior?
We all have our limits, and it can be especially difficult to keep your cool in long-term relationships. Since you’ve known each other for such a long time and are familiar with the others’ tendencies and patterns…
But if you find that he’s showing and expressing his frustration without restraint, and is on bad behavior, it’s something to keep an eye on.
Because when partners lose interest in their relationship, they take even more liberties to act out of line and risk sabotaging things further!
So if this fits for you, consider it a final sign.
Conclusion
How many signs fit for you? Remember, the more fit, the likelier it is that he is unfortunately losing interest.
Especially if you’re at 6 signs or more.
But I want you to check in with yourself as well, though. Do you FEEL like he’s losing interest? What does your gut tell you?
It’s also helpful to listen to your own instincts to give you a clearer answer.
Now, if your answer is ‘Yes, I believe he is losing interest’.
Then the obvious next question would be…
How do I make him interested again?
First, let me say that you’re in a good position here.
Good in that you’ve noticed something was off early enough to act and PREVENT things from escalating further!
Many of our coaching clients make the unfortunate mistake of missing the signs that he’s losing interest and only retrospectively recognizing them once their partner has already become an ex-partner.
And it’s much harder to reverse a breakup, than it is to pre-empt a breakup.
In this course, we’ll help you identify what is making him lose interest and distance himself. Including the how to dissolve the issues that have been piling up in your relationship.
And finally, you’ll learn our step-by-step guide to win back your man’s heart and secure your relationship for good.
Your boyfriend broke up with you, and now you’re wondering: Is this it? Or is he going to come back to me?
In most cases, male dumpers always come back sooner or later. There are a few exceptions to this rule, though.
My then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. He would always eventually start becoming interested and chase me again. We’re happily married now, so I’m living proof that guys come back after dumping you.
At this point, I’ve also coached hundreds of women on how to get their ex back. Many of them were asking me this very question: Is he ever going to come back? In about 90% of cases, the answer was always YES.
Our attachments are far stronger than most of us would like to believe. It’s not any easier for him to let go, than it is for you. Being the dumper, gives your ex power and control, though. Because of this, he might be acting cool or careless.
But the moment you manage to take the power away from him, he will start having second thoughts and hovering around you again.
In this blog post, I will explain why dumpers act this way and what you can expect of your ex.
Will He Miss Me After Dumping Me?
If your breakup is fresh, you must still be in the midst of an emotional storm. Being broken up with is tough. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, makes you miserable and desperate.
When you’ve just been abandoned this way, you might be wondering: Is he as upset as I am? Doesn’t he feel heartbroken about losing me too?
And if a few days or weeks have already passed, you’ve observed your ex’s behavior since then, and HE SEEMS FINE. You must be breaking your head, thinking: Why is he acting so cool? Doesn’t he miss me at all?!
Most dumpers will miss you, however, they will not miss you nearly as much as you will miss them.
The person who decides to break up generally feels confident that they could reverse it, if they chose to. This gives your ex a false sense of safety and security, that then allows him to remain cool and composed.
You might be heartbroken over losing him, meanwhile he doesn’t feel like he lost you, so why should he be upset…
To him, it’s as though you’re just taking some time apart. He might be a little sad, a little lonely, but it’s a far cry from where you’re at.
What Makes a Man Come Back After a Breakup
A dumper lives in a delusion that he is in control, you’re crazy about him, you’re more attached than he is etc. Because of this, he might stay distant and act careless without worrying about the consequences.
However, once his delusion starts to fade a little and your ex starts feeling like he is losing control over you, he will come back.
When he stops knowing what you’re up to, or your behavior suddenly changes: you’re not crying or chasing him the whole time, that’s when doubts will slowly start creeping in, and he will then try to sneakily regain that sense of control.
Some men don’t dare to or can’t come back on their own.
But they will do small things to get your attention and check if you’re still hooked or not. Like viewing or reacting to your posts and stories, posting things that are meant for you, or finding an excuse to pop by (even if it is to pick up their things from your place).
How Often Do Male Dumpers Come Back
In my experience, 9 out of 10 times male dumpers come back, but not to get back together right away.
They start finding excuses to talk, check if you still care and are interested, or if things can change (if they broke up because of some relationship problem).
Especially if he said you were perfect and then dumped you for no good reason, the chances of him coming back are close to 100%. It’s a sign you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, your relationship seemed too good to be true, so he sabotaged it.
Avoidants often need extra encouragement in the beginning. But they will always find their way back to you, as long as you don’t reject them too hard.
What Makes a Guy Not Come Back After a Breakup
There are a few cases when guys don’t come back after they dump you. They are more on the rare side, but they do happen. If any of the following situations fits your case, there is really no point for you to wait for him.
If He Broke up With You, to Get You to Chase Him
Much like women, men can sometimes give you the cold shoulder to get you to prove to him that you care. He can be doing it as a last resort, to get his point across, or because, according to him, he was making much more effort in the relationship than you were.
Needless to say, if this is the case, he will most likely not come back on his own.
When this is the case, you will need to come his way first and prove to him that you care as much as he does.
He Might Not Come Back if You Were Ignoring His Boundaries
The second case scenario when a male dumper might not come back is when your breakup became very messy.
There are cases when a guy breaking up or withdrawing, triggers something in you. A frenzy takes over, makes you act a bit crazy and you override all his boundaries.
Everybody gets desperate after being broken up with, I did, many of our clients did too. However, there are some rare cases that take it to an extreme and drive their ex away completely.
If you’ve been over texting, popping by his flat or house or work, crying, begging, convincing him, you might have sabotaged your chances for good.
He may never come back after this and will definitely not come back any time soon.
If you did this and are now blocked on everything, know that any further pursuit of your ex will only make your situation worse.
How Long Until a Male Dumper Comes Back
Here, I want to differentiate between your ex coming back after dumping you vs getting back together, because these are two very different timelines.
There are cases when an ex comes back, says he was an idiot and wants to go back to being in a relationship right away. But they’re very rare, and you actually have to wait much longer.
This could happen if he moved on very fast, his rebound failed, and he is desperate to have you back afterward.
Most male dumpers will start coming back, the moment you send them subtle signals that you might be moving on.
So this actually depends on you. It tends to take anywhere from one week to six months.
As long as you’re chasing him, he will have no reason to come back.
But the moment you make him feel like you might be slipping away, he will find a way to check in and ensure that it doesn’t happen.
Why Some Men Come Back Months Later
In certain cases, men take much longer to start warming up to you again. Some men come back months later because you continue chasing them.
As long as you’re fuelling your ex’s sense of security by: telling him you miss him, needing things from him, telling him you love him, he will have no reason to really miss you, let alone start worrying about losing you.
Even if these are rare instances that only happen once every few weeks. By acting desperate (even occasionally) you can keep your ex at bay for MONTHS.
Another reason why an ex might take this long to come back to you is when he got into a rebound relationship. When this is the case, having a new girlfriend will keep him busy and preoccupied. Initially, he will go through a honeymoon phase with her.
People tend to get into rebound relationships on a whim, though. This is why they’re often terrible matches that inevitably fail.
When a man comes back months later, chances are his rebound went wrong, and he is ready to try to fix things with you instead.
Is Doing No Contact the Best Way to Get a Male Dumper to Come Back
No contact is definitely a better way to approach your ex than chasing him, crying, begging, convincing etc. However, it has its limits too.
What you want to watch out for is doing ‘no contact’, then to only relapse into desperation, followed by doing more no contact.
Every time you’re acting desperate, you’ll be undoing all the progress and further fuelling your ex’s sense of safety and control. This is the road that will make you drift apart.
Not interacting with him alone will not make your ex come back. What’s more, men are actually quite sensitive to rejection.
In my experience, applying the no contact rule for longer than two weeks doesn’t benefit him. At that point, you’re just drifting further and further apart.
This is why we actually recommend that our coaching clients apply the limited contact rule instead.
By keeping in touch with your ex, you can undermine his false sense of safety much sooner. It also allows you to make sure that you don’t reject your ex too hard.
If you want to learn how to apply our limited contact rule in detail, this is something we teach in our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, we will give you detailed guidelines, to ensure that you can get your ex to come back as soon as possible. This way, you can be sure you’re moving things in the right direction.
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