Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I would know.
Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.
The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.
Plus, the experience of the guy who loved you just few days ago suddenly having zero emotional availability for my needs, was extremely upsetting to me. It triggered my core abandonment wound and sent me into an anxious spiral.
From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.
And I managed to do it, three times.
It’s now been over 11 years since our last breakup and we’re married and have been happily together ever since.
Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.
There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.
But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.
The Quick Summary (TL;DR):
The Goal: Shift from “chasing” to “attracting” by reclaiming your value.
The Rule: Use a “soft” No Contact period (I recommend 7-10 days) to reset the emotional tension.
The Key: Focus on your “High-Value History” rather than trying to fix the old relationship.
The Result: He stops feeling pressured and starts feeling curious.
In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make him want me back so that you too can get your ex to miss you and chase you again.
1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again
Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.
When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I suddenly had next to zero ability to self-regulate and started wondering about things like:
‘Was it my fault?!’
‘Am I not good enough?!’
‘Did I do something wrong?’
The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting him to want to come back to you.
They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.
That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.
There are many ways to go about this.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.
The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.
You need to heal that core wound that got reopened by the breakup, before even starting to make him want you back. As long as you can’t self regulate, your ex will remain emotionally unavailable. He needs you to be able to stand on your own two feet again, both pragmatically and emotionally.
All the experiences I described above is what allowed me to relax and feel better about myself. This in turn made me more attractive to my ex-boyfriend.
It was the first and necessary step of how I got him back.
I get that the situation you’re in might feel extremely urgent. You likely want to get him to want you back as fast as you can.
But you can’t skip this step.
You need to take some time to recover from the breakup and rebuild your self-esteem to get your ex to want you again.
Once you feel more like your old self, perhaps not radiating confidence just yet, but with a full ability to self regulate again, then you can proceed to step two:
2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation
Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.
The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.
While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.
Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.
Perhaps you already heard about this, but the unequal power dynamic between two people loving each other, makes you fall straight into the anxious-avoidant trap. This is what happened to me. When Gabriel broke up with me, he triggered my core abandonment wound and made me extremely anxious.
I was as desperate as it gets.
Desperate to get back together…
Desperate to feel like he loves me again…
Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…
Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my anxiety and desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions. I wanted to stop self regulating and keep on testing Gabriel’s emotional availability instead.
Luckily, I didn’t do this…
The biggest problem with acting anxious or desperate is that it will make your ex feel like they have full control over you.
He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.
Also, your ex won’t have any reason to want to get back together with you any time soon. He will feel free to act as he pleases for as long as he wants, with no consequences whatsoever.
Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.
There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:
By taking charge of the situation.
Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead. Adress your core would, self-regulate, give yourself the love your ex is currently withholding from you.
Notice your own desperation and anxiety, keep them in check. Don’t let your ex feel like he has full control over you. Don’t just beg and hope he will regret losing you and come back on his own either.
Understand, this is a game you’re both playing.
In order to get him to want you back, you have to stop letting him endlessly win, and play your cards close to your chest instead.
There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen.
It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that they can stay in control of you and the relationship.
Everybody gets attached.
People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…
So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.
Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.
You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you have to do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.
4. Get Them Interested Again With Self-Respect and Boundaries
Now that you know deep down your ex still wants you, let’s talk about what you can do to make his feelings for you stronger again.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, we went for a coffee a few weeks after our breakup.
We were sitting at a nice place, catching up, the conversation was good, I was totally flirting with him a little and we both inevitably started feeling closer again.
When it was time to say goodbye, Gabriel leaned in to kiss me, as though we were still dating…
But rather than reciprocating, I moved away.
I told him, ‘You can’t just break up with me and then try to kiss me a couple of weeks later!’. And I angrily walked away.
I missed him and all, but I wasn’t ok with more intimacy without him giving me more security first.
And guess what?
Me standing my ground caused our breakup to become more real to him!
Suddenly, the tables had turned, and that interaction is what got him texting me again.
Getting your ex back is a tricky process.
You’re trying to reconnect and reignite what’s been lost. But at the same time, you have to respect where you’re at and not let him or her override your boundaries whenever they have a sudden change of heart.
On one hand, you’re giving your ex what he wants, making him feel good, making him remember the good times you two had together…
…but you also have to make him feel that their decision to break up has consequences. That the ‘boyfriend privileges’ have been revoked for the time being.
It’s your own self-respect and boundaries that make your ex miss you and want to chase you again.
They’re your best compass when it comes to deciding what to do, what to say etc.
That’s what allowed me to get my ex back. Having that coffee date experience, made Gabriel come back fast. But it wasn’t the only thing I needed to do for us to be able to finally get back together.
This brings me to the last step of your journey…
5. Remove the Barriers to Get Your Ex to Chase You Again
In reality, getting him to want you back is much simpler than we’re led to believe.
…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?
That’s a very good question.
Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting your ex to want you back.
You see, people always break up for a reason.
So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you. Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.
There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.
Some of them were purely his issues. He was a dismissive avoidant, full of doubt and afraid of commitment. Other reasons, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).
My anxious attachment style and lack of self-regulation pushed him to his limit. I was needing more emotional availability from him than he could provide. I was also bad at communicating in a peaceful, constructive way.
The secret in making your ex want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him or her again (because he or she feels attracted to you already!).
It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing them from wanting to be together with you.
Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together, but also to NEVER break up ever again!
If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that your ex wants you back, be sure to check out our Ex Back Program.
Here will help you make sense of your story and remove the roadblocks that drove you apart. You’ll also get tips and a strategy of what to do and say to get your ex to come back as soon as possible.
When I wrote this blog post, I didn’t realize how many of you would resonate with our breakup story! So many people reached out to us for advice that, since then, both Gabriel and I have started coaching both men and women on how to get their ex back and how to escape the anxious-avoidant trap.
This is when I realized I needed to expand this article by discussing another very important way of reconnecting after a breakup.
How to Get Your Ex to Want You Back by Texting
Most couples who break up stay in touch to a lesser or greater degree. It was the case with Gabriel and me, as well as most of our coaching clients.
We never cut each other off or did no contact. There was no need for it, and it also would have been completely out of my character.
Texting with each other was how we kept our connection alive and how I got him interested again!
There is one important condition for it to have a chance to work, though: you have to be coming from the right place.
Otherwise, all your efforts will only backfire and make your ex even more distant and defensive.
There are two big mistakes people make when texting with their ex:
Mistake #1: Coming in Too Hot Only Pushes Your Ex Away
One of the typical pitfalls so many people fall into is that they keep on interacting with their ex as though they were still together. They use nicknames, drop in a ton of emojis, send cute photos, etc.
It’s hard to let the breakup sink in and let go of the old ways of interacting with each other. But if your ex does it, you’re going to have to match them.
This was the case for us. After our breakup, Gabriel became way more silent and distant, and I did the same.
If he was giving me short and distant answers or even stopped responding at all, I knew it was a sign I’d been texting him too much or was being too familiar.
As long as you’re interacting with your ex as though you were still together, he or she will remain distant, defensive, and might even pull away further and further.
Mistake #2: Not Responding and No Contact Communicates That You Don’t Care
The second-biggest mistake people make when interacting with their ex is not texting them at all.
I know this is contradictory to a lot of other advice on the internet, but not contacting your ex alone will not get them to want you back.
It’s normal and healthy to need some space after a breakup. I certainly needed it more than Gabriel did.
I was hurt and couldn’t jump straight into interacting with him as though nothing had changed or as though I was ok with being just friends with him.
But a week of distance was enough for me to heal my ego to a degree when I could talk to him again.
I know a lot of you guys have way more patience and can go on waiting for your ex to reach out first, even for months on end. This is actually a mistake, though.
If you remain too distant for too long, your connection will just gradually fizzle out.
You will gradually start giving up, and your ex will conclude you don’t actually care about them.
So if you personally don’t need any more space, and you haven’t heard from your ex for two weeks or more, text them!
Don’t just wait indefinitely, hoping that they will make the next move, because if they haven’t done it so far, they most likely never will.
I know it’s hard to be the first one to reach out, but sometimes you have to do it. Especially if your ex is holding a grudge or struggling with something.
Make Them Want You Back by Texting Them as Though You Were Dating Again
Making your ex want you back through text requires you to approach him or her as though you just started dating.
This is what I did, and this is how I won Gabriel over again. I knew what he liked about me, so I used that understanding to my advantage. I bragged about my adventures and flirted with him covertly. I knew he had a soft spot for feeling cared for (who doesn’t?) so I also made sure to check in with him if I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
You have to remain a bit distant, guarded, and mysterious to capture your ex’s attention and make them miss you.
But at the same time, you also have to initiate from time to time and flirt to communicate that you’re interested and encourage them to pursue you again.
If you’re looking for personal guidance on what to do in your particular case, I can help you out in a One-on-One Coaching call.
Here, I’ll carefully listen and reassure you that the breakup was not your fault (at least not entirely!). I’ll explain what went wrong and what you’ll need to do to win your ex’s heart again.
And in case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back permanently, you can also read Gabriel’s article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!
Karolina
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: How long does the No Contact Rule take to work?
A: While many experts suggest 30–60 days, I completely disagree. In my experience, most exes begin missing you after just one week. I personally never did more than 10 days of no contact. However, you may need longer to manage your own desperation so you don’t accidentally push him away when you eventually reconnect.
Q: Should I text him first if I want him back?
A: Yes, it is perfectly okay to text him first. In fact, a neutral, emotion-free conversation can often help an ex miss you more than total silence. However, you must be in the right headspace. Do not reach out if you are looking for reassurance or trying to convince him of anything; the goal is to show him you are centered, not chasing.
Q: What is the single biggest mistake that stops an ex from coming back?
A: It’s overloading your ex with your emotions. You’ll likely do this without even realizing it. Needing any form of reassurance or emotional support often comes across as overriding the breakup boundary, which inevitably pushes your ex further away.
Q: What if he is already dating someone else?
A: Seeing an ex with a “rebound” is painful, but it often works in your favor. These relationships are usually used to mask pain. By staying centered and following my 5-step guide, you remain the “high-value” history, while the new relationship faces the inevitable comparison to what you two shared.
Q: How do I handle seeing him on social media or in public?
A: Social media is a platform to reach out without actually having to reach out. The best guideline is to treat your ex like a man you barely know but want to impress. Instead of “doom-scrolling,” focus on your own presence: post things that make you look attractive and desirable, allowing him to see what he’s missing from a distance.The same principle should be applied in public: be polite, look your best, match his energy.
Q: Is it possible to get him back if the breakup was messy?
A:Yes, but only if you treat the “new” relationship as a fresh start. You cannot rebuild on a cracked foundation. In my journey with Gabriel, we broke up 3 times because we tried to fix the old us. It only stuck when we became “new” versions of ourselves before reuniting.
If you have ever been caught in the anxious avoidant cycle, you know how draining it can be. One partner is chasing closeness, while the other pulls away. Both feel misunderstood, and the relationship turns into a rollercoaster.
That was exactly the pattern between me and my husband, Gabriel, in the early years of our relationship.
Our Anxious Avoidant Story
When Gabriel and I first met in 2012, things moved fast. He was attentive and caring, even planning surprise trips. But a few months in, our anxious avoidant dynamic appeared. I craved more closeness, while he needed more independence. I wanted commitment, he was not sure.
Six months later, I took him to a wedding to meet my whole family, and that is where we had our first breakup. That moment kicked off a painful cycle of breakups and makeups. Each time, things got harder for me as my anxiety grew and his avoidance deepened.
The Breaking Point
After our third breakup, I hit my limit. I realized I could not keep fixing the relationship by myself. I wanted a stable, dependable partner, and if Gabriel could not give me that, I had to accept it.
That decision, to stop doing all the emotional heavy lifting, was the first breakthrough. Instead of hiding my feelings or trying to manage the relationship, I got honest about where I was.
Ironically, this shift is what pulled Gabriel closer. He saw I was not playing the same role anymore. I was not cushioning him from my pain or making excuses. If he wanted to stay in my life, he had to step up.
The Power of Letting Go
When I let go of carrying the relationship alone, Gabriel began to take more responsibility. He started making more effort, rebuilding trust, and rebuilding our friendship.
It was not immediate. We both dated other people in that time, and it showed us how rare our emotional connection was. Our chemistry, our shared values, and our laughter were not easy to replace.
This was the first big change that helped break us out of the anxious avoidant trap.
Breakthrough 2: Communication
The second change was communication, real two-way communication.
Gabriel had often said that I was not listening to him. Eventually, I understood what he meant. I began listening in the way he needed, and it made a huge difference. A week later, we had the same kind of argument, only this time it was reversed. Gabriel learned how to make me feel heard.
That was the second breakthrough, learning to listen, to speak up, and to make each other feel understood.
Why Avoidants Pull Away
Avoidants do not pull away because they do not care.They withdraw when the emotional connection feels broken. During the honeymoon phase, things feel effortless because both partners are open and vulnerable. Over time, routines form, expectations pile up, and real communication drops. That is when avoidants start to distance themselves.
What keeps them close is not endless patience or giving unlimited space. It is maintaining the emotional bond.
What Finally Made Him Commit
Here is a quick summary for you guys. The two changes we made that helped us escape the anxious-avoidant trap were:
I stopped trying to fix everything by myself, which forced Gabriel to step up
We rebuilt our bond through honest, two-way communication.
This combination strengthened our friendship, deepened our love, and intensified our chemistry. We are not perfect, and we still have conflicts, but now we handle them in a way that does not damage our connection. We have not broken up since 2013.
Key Takeaway
If you are wondering how to make your avoidant partner commit, it is not about chasing harder, giving unlimited space, or putting your needs aside. It is about creating a genuine emotional bond where both people share the work.
Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your partner. Do not try to fix everything alone. Connection and communication are what keep avoidants invested.
Want to Go Deeper?
Changing your dynamic with an avoidant partner is a gradual process, and you do not have to do it all alone.
It walks you through the stages of an avoidant relationship, the common pitfalls, and how to communicate in a way that creates closeness without chasing.
If you’ve ever dated someone with an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably asked yourself:
“Why aren’t they afraid of losing me? Do they not care at all? Or are they just wildly overconfident?”
Spoiler alert: it’s usually the latter. But, brace yourself, you might be unknowingly feeding the problem.
Yep, if you’re anxiously attached, your fear of losing them could be making them feel a little too secure. The kind of secure that leads to taking you for granted…
Let’s break it down, and I’ll also share how I personally got my avoidant partner to finally worry about losing me (and trust me, it was a game-changer).
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap: What It Is and Why It’s So Hard to Escape
If your partner is avoidant and doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s hard not to take that personally.
You might spiral into questions like:
“Am I not enough?”
“What’s wrong with me?”
I’ve been there myself. I used to let those questions run my life. But here’s what I’ve learned: those thoughts are the fast lane into the anxious-avoidant trap.
So, what is this trap?
It’s a common dynamic where the avoidant partner tends to pull away or shut down, while the anxious partner clings tighter, needing reassurance and connection.
Each partner triggers the other. The more you chase, the more they run. The more they run, the more you chase.
How This Trap Makes Avoidants Too Comfortable
Here’s the real kicker: this dynamic doesn’t just make things tense, it trains the avoidant to believe you’ll never leave.
And that belief? That’s why they don’t worry about losing you.
I’ll give you a personal example.
Back when Gabriel (my husband and co-coach) and I were dating, I was the anxious one, and he was avoidant. Every time he pulled away, I ran straight after him, offering reassurance and pleading for connection.
He’d say things like, “I don’t know what I want.”
And I’d reply with, “But I do! What we have is special!”
Basically, I was holding up a neon sign that said, “Don’t worry—I’m not going anywhere.”
So of course he didn’t worry. I made sure he didn’t have to.
Avoidants Are Gamblers, But They Always Lose In The Long Run
Avoidants are like relationship poker players who keep betting you’ll never fold.
And guess what? You’re showing your cards every time you:
Send a heartfelt message after they ghost you
Stay loyal when they’re cold or distant
Try to “win them over” after a fight
They bet you’re hooked, and most of the time, they’re right!
But here’s the plot twist: they lose that bet in the long run. Every. Single. Time.
As a breakup coach, I talk to a lot of avoidants after the final breakup. They say things like:
“I thought I had more time.”
“I didn’t realize how much I cared until it was too late.”
“I didn’t think he or she’d actually leave.”
Cue heartbreak and regret, often when it’s far too late.
Want Them to Worry? Make It a Real Risk
Avoidant attachment is a self-sabotaging pattern that makes people push love away. But here’s the hopeful bit:
They can change.
And you can help, but not by chasing, fixing, or proving your worth.
They need to feel the real possibility of losing you.
That means letting go of the outcome.
That means risking rejection.
It means standing your ground when they cross a line.
Let me tell you what finally worked with Gabriel.
He had this breakup-and-make-up routine. It was like our toxic little tradition. The third time he broke up with me, something in me snapped. I was done begging, done convincing.
I stood up for myself. I was angry, and I let him feel it. He wanted to make sure we’re “parting on good terms”. I was too hurt to play along. I refused to see him for a month. He knew I was angry with him and that I’m not going to let him fix it.
Eventually, I cooled off, after a month of not talking I thought I was over him. I let him know I’m ready for our reconciliation and agreed to meet him for a drink. It was then and there that he came back. He was apologetic. Changed. And guess what? He’s never broken up with me since.
Your Power Move: Stop Playing It Safe
If your avoidant partner doesn’t worry about losing you, it’s because you’ve shown them, consciously or not, that they don’t need to.
It’s time to change the rules of the game.
Stop sugar-coating things to avoid conflict
Stop over-explaining your feelings
Stop making it too easy for them to come and go as they please
Your avoidant partner needs a wake-up call. And you’re the one to give it, by showing that you have standards, boundaries, and options.
Need Help? That’s What We’re Here For
If this resonates, and you’re ready to stop playing the role of the anxious caretaker, we’ve got something for you.
Ever find yourself wondering if your avoidant ex felt anything when you two broke up? Like, they walked away cool as a cucumber, while you were left clutching your chest like a soap opera character mid-meltdown? Yeah, it’s brutal.
Avoidants are often emotionally reserved, and they’re experts at hiding what’s really going on beneath the surface. But just because they didn’t cry into a pint of ice cream or send a midnight “I miss you” text doesn’t mean they’re not affected. The truth is: they do care, they just express it in confusing, frustrating ways.
Let’s talk about 5 signs your avoidant ex cares about the breakup, even if they’re pretending otherwise. Once you see these signs for what they are, their hot-and-cold behavior starts to make a whole lot more sense.
1. They Reach Out “Randomly” After a Short Break
Avoidants need space after a breakup, but not too much space. If they text you a week or two later with something totally random (like, “Did you ever finish that Netflix series?”), it’s not because they suddenly care about cliffhangers. It’s because they’re fishing to see if you’re still emotionally available.
They want to know you’re still there, just in case. And while they may not want to get back together yet, they definitely don’t want you moving on. This reach-out is their subtle way of keeping the emotional cord intact, without actually stepping into commitment.
👉 Pro tip: Don’t rush to respond. Give them space, focus on you, and let their curiosity grow.
2. They Show Curiosity About Your Life
They might not come right out and ask if you’re dating someone new, but they’ll find a way to find out. Maybe they ask mutual friends, stalk your social media, or slip a “So… seeing anyone?” into a casual chat.
Avoidants don’t like to admit it, but they do get jealous. If they sense you’re still hung up on them, they feel safe staying in their commitment-free limbo. But once they suspect you’re truly moving on, that’s when the real panic starts to kick in.
👉 Your move: Live your life out loud. Grow, glow, and don’t hide it. That subtle power shift is game-changing.
3. They Act Like You’re Still Together
This one’s sneaky. They’ll send a meme only you would laugh at, or suggest grabbing coffee “like old times.” Some might even act affectionate, hugging you a little too long, brushing your hand, cuddling on the couch like nothing ever happened.
And then? They ghost again. Classic avoidant.
This behavior says: I want comfort without commitment. They want all the cozy parts of the relationship, but without the vulnerability or expectations.
👉 Heads-up: Just because they act like you’re still together doesn’t mean they’re ready to be. Keep boundaries firm.
4. The Push-Pull Routine
Here it is: the emotional tug-of-war. They come close just long enough to make sure you’re still hooked, then pull away the moment you lean in. This is textbook avoidant behavior.
We call it the “hotel effect”: They check in for comfort, then check out before they get too comfortable. Because the moment it feels like home, they’re afraid they’ll have to unpack their emotional baggage and actually stay.
👉 Your best move? Stop playing tug-of-war. Focus on your own healing and stability so their push-pull routine loses power.
5. They Downplay the Breakup
Bring up the breakup, and suddenly it was “no big deal” or “probably for the best.” They might even act like it wasn’t a real breakup. Why?
Because if they admit it mattered, they’d have to admit they lost something. And that threatens their sense of control. Avoidants often rewrite reality to make themselves feel safer, even if it makes you question your own emotions.
👉 Truth bomb: If it didn’t matter to them, they wouldn’t bother minimizing it.
So Why Do Avoidants Act Like This If They Care?
Short answer? Self-protection.
Longer answer:
They think they have control over the breakup, they believe they can come back anytime, so it doesn’t feel final.
They fear closeness because it threatens their independence. Intimacy = danger to them.
They’re scared to lose power. Showing how they truly feel might make them vulnerable, and vulnerability terrifies them more than commitment does.
What Should You Do About It?
Do not keep feeding their sense of safety by being emotionally available whenever they knock on your door (literally or metaphorically). Because as long as you’re always there, they feel zero urgency to change, commit, or grow.
That’s why we created our Attach an Avoidant program to help you shift this dynamic.
Here, we teach you how to read between the lines, so that you can become more secure. We also give you actionable tips and scripts on what to say and do, to break your patterns and stop giving your avoidant ex all the reassurance they need.
Because, the moment you stop being their emotional fallback, everything changes.
And the best part? That’s when you get to decide:
Do you still want them?
Or are you ready for someone who doesn’t play these emotional mind games?
Final Thought
If your avoidant ex keeps popping in and out of your life, ask yourself this:
Are you their home… or their hotel?
Because how you respond now will determine what happens next.
If you’re stuck in this cycle and ready for a different outcome, maybe it’s time for a fresh approach. And remember, just by being here, reading this, you’re already growing and doing the work.
Your next step? Start making choices that put you first. That’s the power move.
Then comes the second punch in the gut: finding out your ex is already dating someone new.
And it seems serious.
You’re still reeling, heartbroken, and confused… and they’re off smiling in photos with someone else.
It doesn’t feel fair.
It doesn’t make sense.
And you’re left wondering:
“Did I mean anything to them?”
“Was I just a placeholder?”
“How can someone move on so quickly—don’t they feel anything?”
Let’s talk about what might actually be going on.
1. The Relationship May Have Been Breaking Down for a While
What felt sudden to you may have been a long, slow decline for them.
Breakups can blindside one person and feel like “finally pulling the plug” to the other. Just because you didn’t know the end was coming doesn’t mean they didn’t.
Sometimes people silently detach for weeks or months before they leave.
That doesn’t make it okay, they should’ve told you. But it does help explain why they were able to move on so quickly. They were already halfway out.
2. They May Have Checked Out Emotionally Before They Left
Some people can’t express what they’re feeling, so they stuff it down and start pulling away emotionally instead.
They might smile and say “everything’s fine” while inside, they’re already planning their exit.
If you noticed emotional distance, coldness, or inconsistency toward the end, you weren’t imagining it, they had already started moving on internally, even if they didn’t say it.
3. They Might Have Had Someone Else Waiting in the Wings
This one hurts, but it’s possible.
Some people start talking to someone else before they leave the relationship.
It might’ve been just emotional.
It might’ve been physical.
Either way, it means they had a head start.
If your ex started dating someone immediately after your breakup, they probably weren’t starting from scratch. That doesn’t mean the new relationship is deep or healthy, it just means they were too scared or selfish to be honest with you.
4. They Might Be Avoidant or Emotionally Insecure
People with avoidant attachment often leave relationships suddenly and start new ones fast.
Not because they’re over you.
But because they want to escape intimacy and regain control.
Their behavior might look cold, impulsive, or cruel. In reality, it’s often a coping strategy, trying to run from their own emotions by distracting themselves with someone new.
This isn’t about you. It’s about their emotional wiring.
5. Some People Just Can’t Be Alone
It doesn’t mean they’re in love.
It means they’re uncomfortable being single.
There are people who jump straight into a new relationship because they don’t know how to sit with loss, uncertainty, or emotional discomfort.
It’s not love, it’s panic.
It may even look like a fairy-tale romance from the outside, but underneath, it’s usually shallow and short-lived.
So… Did You Mean Anything to Them?
Yes.
Probably more than you realize.
But people show love based on their emotional maturity, not just their feelings.
If they didn’t process the breakup, reflect on their role in the relationship, or give themselves time to feel anything, that’s not strength. That’s avoidance.
Their new relationship isn’t proof that they’re over you. It’s proof that they needed a distraction.
Will They Stay With the New Person?
Hard to say.
Most “rebound” relationships end quickly. But not all.
It depends on:
How long you were together
How serious your connection was
How emotionally healthy your ex is
Even if they stay with someone new, that doesn’t erase your relationship.
They still carry the imprint of what they had with you, especially if your bond was deep.
So What Should You Do Now?
That depends on your goal.
If you want to move on, the best thing you can do is focus on yourself and your healing.
Don’t stalk their new relationship. Don’t obsess over whether they’re happy.
It will only hurt you.
But if you want to reconnect with your ex… that’s still possible. Even if they’re dating someone new.
We’ve helped hundreds of women get their ex back, after he or she moved on.
The secret?
Giving them the space to feel what they lost, without chasing or begging.
Want Help Reconnecting with Your Ex?
Our online program walks you step-by-step through how to re-attract your ex (without sacrificing your dignity).
We’ll show you how to rebuild connection, re-open communication, and shift the emotional dynamic, even if your ex is with someone else right now.
Are you feeling worried or anxious? Maybe even a little panicked that your man is losing interest in you?
The other day he may have been a little inattentive, dismissive or snappy with you. Or when you want to snuggle or have sex, he’s just always “Not in the mood right now…”
He seems to prefer spending more time with others -or his phone- and avoids prolonged eye-contact, and might even straight up disappear without a word and leave you alone.
It’s normal for the honeymoon phase to fade, but there are degrees at which relationships deteriorate. And since you’re here, it’s likely feeling critical…
Now, however he is communicating his disinterest, I’m here to help you with that.
First by clarifying whether he is actually losing interest with the help of 10 signs for you to look out for.
And secondly, we’ll get into what you can do to COUNTER-STEER him not taking notice of you.
Hi, I’m Gabriel and I run this blog with my wife Karolina. In this post, I’ll be evaluating your situation and answering your questions, while giving you direction from a man’s perspective.
So let’s take a deep breath…. Relax on the exhale, and do this together.
10 Signs He Is Losing Interest In You
There are many indicators that you’ll need to look out for, some more subtle, others rather blatant.
Look out for the following signs and see how many fit for you. The more do, the clearer the unfortunate answer that you are losing him.
But don’t worry, even if you’re on the unlucky side of things, we’ll cover what you can do to remedy your situation and draw him back in -right after we cover these signs!
1. Is he emotionally withdrawing since more than a week?
One of the first things a man will do when he’s losing interest is emotionally withdraw from you.
Where you once felt an air of warmth, charm and love emanating from him, you now feel quite the opposite.
He seems… distant, reserved and has gone silent -in an almost UNKIND manner.
When your man has been this way for more than a week and continues to be, then you have your first sign that he is losing interest.
2. Does he avoid physical touch?
Physical touch is a large part of what distinguishes platonic relationships from romantic ones.
And I’m sure you appreciate and crave closeness just like anybody else. You and your partner will have your familiar ways of touching, being affectionate, and loving towards one another.
So when he suddenly starts avoiding physical touch, it’s likely something you notice pretty QUICKLY.
When you seek a reassuring touch, he might avoid it, move your hands off of himself or even walk away from you without a word.
If a man is AVOIDING your physical touch in this way, consider it another sign that he is losing interest.
3. Is he avoiding eye contact with you?
Did you know that the human face has 42 individual muscles? This is what allows us to express so much complex emotion with our partner without even exchanging a word.
And it’s when your eyes meet that you read each other’s facial expressions to determine what the other side is feeling and thinking… It plays a large role in how we connect.
Avoiding eye contact is a means of not connecting, of NOT LETTING someone read you, because they don’t want to let you in.
So if he is not meeting your gaze or avoiding eye contact, it is a sign that he is distancing himself and becoming less attentive.
4. Does he have an excuse ready every time you want to be intimate?
Intimacy, arguably, plays the biggest part in what makes a romantic relationship -romantic!
It is a beautiful means of deeply connecting, exploring and getting to know each other in new and exciting ways every time.
One that you don’t just share with anybody, because it carries a lot of meaning.
So if he has an excuse ready every time you desire intimacy:
“I’m tired…”
“I want to go workout”
“I’m meeting friends”
“I can’t, I’m busy with work”
And if it’s been a few weeks since you had sex, or he avoids sex altogether (and it’s not caused by understandable physical complications that got in the way)…
…then it is an indication he is losing interest in you and a cause for concern.
5. Have you suggested activities together, that he keeps declining?
When you feel something is off in your relationship, your reaction may be to fix it by reconnecting with an activity together.
Sports, games, museum visits, whatever shared interests you previously had will likely have come to mind.
But when you propose activities that you know for a fact he likes, and he repeatedly refuses them, then something is definitely off…
6. Is he distant during sex?
Although couples often develop routines for their time between the sheets and their sex might look like the same thing over and over again, it can actually FEEL very different each time.
Because where your partner is at emotionally and mentally translates all the way down to his fingertips and across into your body…
This goes the other way around too, of course.
Where you guys are coming from in your lovemaking can make it feel like cloud nine or crappy.
And when he’s distant or absent during sex, you will FEEL and notice that!
So if you’ve experienced him being increasingly unavailable, and it feels like he’s barely noticing you during sex, then it’s a definite sign he is losing interest.
7. Does he avoid you at events or parties?
Social engagements with your partner are fun, right? — Or are they?
There are few things more humiliating than going to an event with him, whereupon arriving, he immediately ducks out and avoids you like the plague throughout the evening.
Especially if you see him laughing and enjoying himself with others -or worse, with other women.
Unless you’ve had a big fight just before the party that left you both fuming and ignoring each other, there is no reason for him to be acting this way, unless of course he is no longer partial towards you…
8. Is he paying more attention to other women than to you?
It’s perfectly common for either of you to sneak a guilty glance at an attractive passer by every once in a while.
But if he’s making a habit of it, is talking to other women, and giving them more attention than he does to you, that’s a definite RED-ALERT!
(Whether these interactions are in person or online.)
You are his partner and as such, deserve to have priority and exclusivity when it comes to his attention.
So if you feel like second place, like he doesn’t love you anymore, and he’s endlessly taking more time for other women than he does for you, take it as a definite sign that he is losing interest.
9. Does he seem to be on autopilot with you?
We can all get overwhelmed with our demanding lives and the people in it at times…
So we zone out, put on cruise control and meander through our day just to make it home for some shut-eye. During these times we’re inattentive, easily distracted and unfocused.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this inattentive side of him too, and that’s perfectly okay from TIME TO TIME:
“Sorry, did you say something?”
“Yeah, honey of course… — what?”
“Sure, sure, whatever you say”
But if him not listening, being unresponsive or not being present with you is STANDARD procedure, where he’s constantly on autopilot and drifts off, then that’s another sign for you.
10. Is he taking more liberties with bad behavior?
We all have our limits, and it can be especially difficult to keep your cool in long-term relationships. Since you’ve known each other for such a long time and are familiar with the others’ tendencies and patterns…
But if you find that he’s showing and expressing his frustration without restraint, and is on bad behavior, it’s something to keep an eye on.
Because when partners lose interest in their relationship, they take even more liberties to act out of line and risk sabotaging things further!
So if this fits for you, consider it a final sign.
Conclusion
How many signs fit for you? Remember, the more fit, the likelier it is that he is unfortunately losing interest.
Especially if you’re at 6 signs or more.
But I want you to check in with yourself as well, though. Do you FEEL like he’s losing interest? What does your gut tell you?
It’s also helpful to listen to your own instincts to give you a clearer answer.
Now, if your answer is ‘Yes, I believe he is losing interest’.
Then the obvious next question would be…
How do I make him interested again?
First, let me say that you’re in a good position here.
Good in that you’ve noticed something was off early enough to act and PREVENT things from escalating further!
Many of our coaching clients make the unfortunate mistake of missing the signs that he’s losing interest and only retrospectively recognizing them once their partner has already become an ex-partner.
And it’s much harder to reverse a breakup, than it is to pre-empt a breakup.
In this course, we’ll help you identify what is making him lose interest and distance himself. Including the how to dissolve the issues that have been piling up in your relationship.
And finally, you’ll learn our step-by-step guide to win back your man’s heart and secure your relationship for good.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
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The technical storage or access is required to create user profiles to send advertising, or to track the user on a website or across several websites for similar marketing purposes.
