So you’re considering sending a closure letter to your ex. By doing it, you’re likely looking for a chance to express your thoughts and feelings one last time.
Maybe you’re hoping that doing this will force your ex to give you answers. That they’ll reveal where they truly stand and set you free, so that you can move on.
Or maybe you’re still very much in love and are having a hard time letting go.
You wish that sending them this closure letter will finally open their eyes and realize what they’re about to lose.
Countless coaching clients of ours found themselves in one of the two above-mentioned situations. Many of them were trying to get their ex back, but some were genuinely looking for real closure.
Some of them followed our advice, while others did what felt right to them. It didn’t always work.
Their experiences and attitudes taught us a lot about when it’s a good idea to send a closure letter and how to formulate it so that it had the desired impact on your ex.
In this blog post, I will share with you what I’ve learned from our clients’ successful and failed attempts, so that you don’t have to repeat their mistakes.
When Is It a Good Idea to Send a Letter to Your Ex
First off, I’m going to cover a very common pattern I noticed in both men and women. Being broken up with is often extremely distressing. I know from my own experience that rejection hurts very deeply.
So much so, it sends people into a spiral of anxiety and desperation. And then in that hyperemotional state, they want to write long love letters to their ex.
They hope that listing all the good things about the relationship, telling their ex how much they love them, how special things are between them etc. will be enough to reverse the breakup.
If you’re feeling very emotional and desperate, then sending a letter to your ex is NOT a good idea right now.
Showing your ex the raw, unfiltered version of you will only drive them further away.
But if that moment has already passed, you might still be sad, you might still be desperate. But you’re not out of control anymore, so sending a closure letter might actually do you a lot of good.
It’s Ok to Contact Your Ex for Closure When You Need to Get Things off Your Chest
Relationships and breakups tend to be messy. There are likely things you’re hurting about. Maybe it’s about how your ex was relating to you while you were still together. It could also be about the way they chose to end things.
This kind of heartache can cut very deeply, so much so, it might make it impossible for you to move on.
This is where confronting your ex about how they hurt you could be the only thing that can allow you to start processing those feelings.
Expressing your anger and hurt will make room for grief and eventually closure.
An important note here: only do this if you want to move on.
This kind of closure letter might be the last contact you ever have with your ex. Also, they will most likely remain in denial or react defensively. Or they might not respond at all.
Keep in mind, no response is in fact a response. This kind of closure letter is more about your emotional journey, not about your ex.
If you approach it as such, it will give the relief and answers you’re looking for.
Send a Closure Letter When You Want to Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong
This is the second type of closure letter, one that you can send as a last resort to try to fix things. The point of it is to show your ex that you understand your own mistakes and how they contributed to the breakup.
We all make mistakes in relationships and in life, we’re only human after all.
So if you reflected on your own behavior and now see that certain things you did might have hurt your ex or only made their situation worse, then this is something worth sharing with them.
This kind of closure/accountability letter can be the very thing that makes it clear to them that you’ve actually changed. At the same time, it’s a good way to communicate to your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously.
This could be the very thing that softens them enough so that they can realize what’s actually happening and what they’re about to lose.
How to Write an Impactful Closure Letter to Your Ex
The biggest danger with sending a closure letter to your ex is that it will only backfire and make them reject you all over again. These are the rules you want to follow in order to avoid this:
1. Don’t Try to Convince Your Ex of Anything
Trying to convince an ex to change their mind is not going to work. No matter how hard you try or how good your arguments are, it’s all a waste of breath and time.
There is no point telling them how special the relationship was or that you’re meant to be together.
As long as you’re pushing them or convincing them of something, your closure letter will not impact them the way you hope it would. What’s more, you’ll drive them further away.
If this is where you’re coming from, it’s better you keep your thoughts to yourself or vent to a friend instead.
2. Don’t Try to Guilt-Trip Your Ex
Much like with convincing, guilt-tripping your ex will not change their mind. They’ll remain cold, distant, and unavailable.
Your ex is likely hurting after the breakup themselves, so they’ll have no room for what you need from them. So don’t tell them how much you love them and miss them in your closure letter. It won’t do you any favors.
If this is where you’re coming from, you’ll only get burned.
3. Don’t Ask For Anything
Another important rule to follow when trying to write an impactful closure letter to an ex is to not ask them for anything. Again, much like with convincing or guilt-tripping, asking your ex for things will only backfire.
This includes asking for forgiveness.
Your ex is at where they’re at. For the time being, they want to remain broken up. As long as this is the case, they won’t be willing to come your way.
4. If You Want Them Back, Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong
If the purpose of your closure letter is to give one last shot at getting your ex back, then you should center it around taking responsibility for what you did wrong.
Acknowledge the things your ex complained about you doing or not doing. Apologize for hurting them or driving them away.
Show that you accept and understand their decisions.
This is the only way you can actually get through to them.
Some of my coaching clients sent a letter like this, and it worked. Their ex was moved and open to communication afterwards. They could then gradually work on rebuilding trust and slowly getting back together.
5. If You Want to Move On, Confront Them About Stringing You Along
The problem with moving on after a breakup is that a lot of exes continue acting hot and cold. So they’ll make just enough effort to make sure that you will remain hooked, but will avoid giving you straight answers.
They’ll be stringing you along with a false sense of hope. Not wanting to let go but also not wanting to get back together.
It’s time to let them know, things aren’t working for you, you’re at your limit, and you won’t let them take you for granted any longer.
This kind of closure letter can make your ex wake up to the reality of your breakup and reconsider what they actually want. Or it might also be the last thing you ever write to them, and you never hear from them again.
When sending this type of closure letter to your ex, keep in mind: someone who ever truly cared about you, will respond to this and start chasing you.
How to Know Your Closure Letter Made an Impact
The way to tell if sending a closure letter made an impact on your ex or not is by looking at how fast they reply and what their response is.
If they respond right away and remain defensive, then it didn’t land the way you wanted it to land. You can try again, or you can also choose to give up.
If your ex remains silent for a week and then replies something slightly encouraging, it means your words made an impact, and they are now testing if you truly meant it.
And if you never hear from them again, then it likely did make an impact, but they just never cared enough about you. Some people give up easily and don’t have what it takes to build a long-lasting relationship.
If you need help formulating your closure letter, this is something we could help you with through email coaching.
Here you could send us your draft and my husband, or I will make suggestions and formulate your thoughts in a way that will make your ex respond.
We’ll also help you make sense of what’s going on and what your ex’s feelings truly are.
Thank you for reading, so sorry you’re going through this! If you have any doubts or questions, share them in the comments section, and I’ll get back to you!
First, you had a sudden breakup that hit you out of nowhere.
Then, as if your life spiraling out of control wasn’t enough, you find out that your ex is already seeing someone else, and it seems serious.
How could your ex move on so fast!?
It can leave you wondering:
“Did I mean nothing to them?”
“Was my ex not attached to me at all?”
“How could they be so cruel?!”
“How long had they been thinking about moving on?”
“Did I even know them??”
You might understandably be in a lot of distress and pain because of this, so in this post I’m going to help you understand what’s going on in your ex’s head.
Then we’ll cover what you can do to ease your anxiety.
Reasons Why Your Ex Moved On So Fast
Let’s cut to the chase and talk about the possible reasons your ex moved on so fast.
Not all of these reasons will apply to you, but you’ll likely recognize yourself and your ex in some of them:
Your relationship was troubled for a while
What seems like a sudden decision from your ex, was actually the result of a relationship that had been troubled for a while.
It’s often the case that one partner is unaware as to how bad things are for the other.
They think that things are “okay” for the most part, when in fact their relationship is on THIN ice.
So the issues that are driving you apart are never addressed, and the resentment grows, eventually accumulating in an emotional breakup.
Your ex was keeping their thoughts & feelings secret
Another thing that can contribute to an ex moving on so fast, is that they were unhappy in your relationship and chose to keep what they actually thought, and felt a secret from you.
So for you, it looks like it all happened so fast, when in fact, they’ve been distancing themselves for a while.
Maybe if you think back to the last months of your relationship, you’ll retrospectively notice that they seemed to be withdrawing more and keeping things from you.
An ex might decide to do this because they believe they’ve already tried everything to make it work.
Or they might be lousy at expressing what wasn’t working for them and opted to run away instead.
They might have been talking to someone for a while
If they were keeping further secrets from you and seeing someone else, it can also contribute to them moving on very fast.
Because they’ll have built some form of a connection with another person over a few weeks or even months. And once they felt ready, they let go of you and moved onto the next person.
(This is also called ‘monkey-barring’, like the monkey bars on a playground, where you only let go of one bar once you’ve got a firm hold on the next bar)
If you’ve found out that this applies to you, I’m very sorry it’s come to this. It’s a hurtful experience that I wish you’d been spared from.
Your ex changed as a person
People change. And when they do, it’s unfortunately often for the worse.
Negative change in a partner generally happens slowly over years, so it’s DIFFICULT to spot.
But at some point in time, they have changed so thoroughly, that they are no longer the person you knew.
Which can come as an additional shock. Because you thought you knew them and could trust them, but it turned out that NEITHER were true.
Your ex can’t be alone
Some people just can’t be alone. Being single is so terrifying to them, that they always make sure they are in a relationship with someone.
Even if they AREN’T particularly fond of that person!
So what might look like your ex moving on really fast to you, can in fact be your ex ensuring they are not alone with their own thoughts that terrify them so.
They haven’t actually moved on
And finally, I’d like to emphasize that your ex moving on so fast, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve actually moved on.
This means that just because your ex physically moved onto another relationship, it doesn’t mean that they’ve EMOTIONALLY moved on.
My wife and I have been helping our clients get their ex back and mending relationships for years now. And in some cases, their ex had moved on with someone else…
But then later changed their mind because emotional bonds not only take time to build, they also take an almost equal amount of time to dissolve.
Will It Be Easy For My Ex To Move On?
Whether it’s easy for your ex to move on will depend on the following:
How long you were together
The longer a couple is together, the harder it is for an ex to move on after a breakup. If your relationship lasted all of a few weeks, then they can get over things very quickly. But if you were together for over a year, it will be difficult and take time for them to forget you.
Your love/hate ratio
No relationship or couple is perfect, but there are degrees of how much time you’re fighting, vs enjoying each other’s company. This is why we talk about the necessity of having a love/hate ratio that mostly leans towards good. If this applies to you, it’ll be harder for your ex to get over you.
How enmeshed your lives are
Whether it’s pragmatic or financial, these things can make it hard for an ex to move on. Because the more enmeshed your lives are, the more time and energy will need to be dedicated towards un-enmeshing and tying up loose ends.
How Long Is Normal To Get Over An Ex?
A normal amount of time to get over an ex is the SAME amount of time you were in a relationship.
So if you were together for 3 months, it will likely take either of you about 3 months to truly get over each other.
And if you were together for 5 years, then expect it to take 5 YEARS to truly get over your relationship!
To illustrate this point, I’ll let you in on a little secret…
When I reassure my clients that their ex won’t and can’t get over them so quickly, some of them ask:
“Well, how do you know that?”
To which I ask them, about a previous ex of theirs and whether that ex still crosses their mind. Whether they still wonder ‘What if?’ and draw comparisons to their current ex.
You guessed it, they still think about their previous ex and aren’t truly over them.
And the same is true of your ex.
Because human connection runs deep and takes time to undo! We can’t “Just get over” someone, even when we’re pretending to ourselves…
How Do I Deal With My Ex Moving On So Fast?
Well, that will entirely depend on which of the following you feel:
1. I want to move on and heal
2. I want to try to fix things with my ex
You can skip to your selection below for more details on what to do:
1. I want to move on and heal
If this is your choice, let me just say that this is PERFECTLY understandable.
Sometimes it’s clear that a relationship is beyond repair. There was too much hurt and damage for either of you to want to try to salvage what’s left.
You want to just let go, move on and find a way to heal.
So if this is your choice, you can definitely do ‘No Contact’ which in this case would mean you cut off all contact with your ex for AT LEAST a few months.
And if that’s too radical for you, you can let things slowly fizzle out. Gradually reduce your response rate and engage less.
Eventually you and your ex will drift apart, going your separate ways and living new lives.
2. I want to try to fix things with my ex
If you’re in this position, then you have a feeling that things could still be remedied with your ex.
That despite them moving you, you want to try to find a way because you believe there’s hope.
This was the case for my then-girlfriend (now wife) and I too!
We actually broke up three times because I couldn’t see things working out between us in the long run.
But despite all of it, we got through to each other, and now we help our clients do the same in our Coaching Calls.
In a call, I’ll first listen to your entire story. After which we’ll talk about your ex and get into their head to figure out the best way to win them back over!
Clients often find success in stopping certain behaviors, rather than doing new things, but more on that in a call.
Thank you for reading, and I hope you feel a bit better now. You can of course also leave your story or questions you have in the comments, and I’ll get back to you.
So your ex blocked you on everything, and you’re wondering what to do.
If your ex blocked you, then they’re telling you that they don’t want to have contact with you. Plain and simple.
There can be an endless list of reasons and motives for them to block you.
But ultimately those reasons are secondary. Since your ex wants to cut off all contact, that’s a boundary you should respect.
In this post, I’ll explain why it’s so important to do this and what your other options are.
Should You Reach Out To Your Ex If They Blocked You?
No, you should NOT reach out to your ex if they blocked you.
And if you’re thinking about trying to reach them on a different channel where they haven’t blocked you yet, definitely DON’T do that either!
Even more so if they’ve already blocked you on everything.
You might be thinking, if they only gave you a chance to explain, you could:
Tell them how much you love them
Apologize and tell them you’ve changed
Write them a love letter
Show them that things can be different this time, etc
Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who made similar mistakes and can tell you it’s too late for your explanations and pleading…
Not just that, if you did in fact tell them all of those things, (genuine as they may be) your ex would only reject you MORE.
Why?
Because they are all about what YOU want and need and not about what THEY want and need.
Your ex is clearly communicating that they don’t want to have contact with you, so reaching out is you ignoring what they want and need.
Time will tell whether your ex’s decision is permanent or temporary.
But for now, you should accept and respect their decision to block you.
Because if you reach out now, you’re only going to ruin your chances even further!
Think about it, if your ex has resorted to blocking you, then chances are they were already unhappy about your relationship.
Maybe they were telling you they needed space or didn’t want to talk, but you didn’t hear them then.
So they resorted to blocking you.
And if you now choose to try to cross this line, you’re only going to confirm their suspicions about you and conclude that they made the right choice with the breakup.
So don’t ruin any potential chances you might still have left!
What Does It Mean If My Ex Blocks Me?
If your ex blocks you, it could mean any of the following:
1. They Were Upset About How You Were Talking To Them
When you break up, things can get messy. The lines are blurred and emotions run high on both sides. So sometimes we say and do things that we later regret, but it’s too late to take them back.
And if your ex was upset about something you did or said, they may have decided to block you because it was the last straw for them.
2. They Didn’t Feel Like You Respected Their Boundaries
When your ex repeatedly tells you or conveys that what you’re doing is something they don’t want, but you do it anyway. Then they might choose to block you as a last resort.
Again, what’s important here is to now RESPECT that boundary and show them that you understand what they’re asking for.
And if you have a history of them complaining about this with you, then all the more reason to not give them further evidence that they’re right.
You want to show them that things can be different by NOT crossing their boundaries.
3. Your Ex Is Doing ‘ The No Contact Rule’
The No Contact Rule can be used for two things:
1. To truly get over someone and move on
If your ex wants to have nothing to do with you anymore and is absolutely clear on wanting to move on, they might try the no contact rule. This means they block you on everything and don’t ever unblock you.
2. To try to get you back
This only applies if you were the one who initially decided to break up. Then they might be tying to reverse the power dynamic by rejecting you instead. This is in the hopes that after a long period of them withdrawing and being unavailable, you’ll desperately want them again.
4. They Are Trying To Move On
Whether they are doing No Contact or not, an ex who blocks you might simply be trying to move on!
For someone to take such a radical step, they must have been feeling that things weren’t working for them for a while.
After a lot of thought and reflecting, your ex will have made up their mind that they no longer want you in their lives and closed all doors of possible communication.
What You Should Do About It
Which brings us to what you can or should do about your ex blocking you everywhere.
Primarily, it’s critical that your focus remains on finally respecting your ex’s boundaries.
Yes, you will hear me repeat this, because I know how hard it can be to follow this advice when you’re in-love with your ex!
You likely want nothing more than one last chance to undo all the mistakes.
But if you’re reading this post, you’re unfortunately way past that point.
Your best chances are to follow this advice:
Respect Their Boundary To Demonstrate You Care
Don’t just do it for an effect, do it because you genuinely care about how they feel!
You love your ex right? You want them to be happy and feel safe?
Then take their hint and respect their boundary of blocking you.
In doing so, you’ll be SHOWING them that you do care about their wishes. Rather than ignoring and overriding them again.
Accept That Your Ex Might Never Change Their Mind
Depending on how bad things were in your relationship and how messy the breakup was, your ex might be set on moving on.
And that’s a reality you simply have to come to terms with.
Things weren’t working in the relationship for a while, your ex made a decision, you broke up, and they might want to never look back.
It’s out of your control and the more you try to fight them on it, the more they will reject you.
I tell my coaching clients that they shouldn’t let their ex put them through that kind of repeated rejection, either! It’s not healthy!
So relate to your ex as a closed chapter in your life and focus on how to get through it.
Grieve And Reflect On What Went Wrong In Your Relationship
You’ll sob, you’ll cry and maybe want to hide under your blankets for a week.
IF your ex does change their mind and unblocks you or even reaches out, it’s absolutely essential that you’re super-duper prepared for it!
Because IF this happens, your ex will still be very unsure about whether having contact with you again is a good idea to begin with.
Why?
They’re terrified by the idea that unblocking you is a BIG mistake because you’re both instantly going to fall into the familiar negative patterns.
And they’re afraid that you’ll then make the conversation about yourself and how much you love them and that everything has changed, and you want them back if they only gave you one last chance.
No, no and no. You will mess up your chance so fast and hard, it’ll be over in a heartbeat, and you’ll wonder what went wrong.
You need to make this conversation about THEM! About what they need, they want, what their hesitations or objections are. Only then are you maximizing your chances of winning them over.
This critical moment is exactly what we prepare our clients for in our Coaching Calls.
Here I’ll listen to your relationship story and where things went wrong. Based on that, we’ll then talk about the tests your ex would put you through if they reach out to you and how to pass them.
You can also benefit from just talking about your breakup to better understand and process it.
If you’re looking to understand the male psychology of the no contact rule, chances are you’ve been applying it for a while and are wondering if it’s working or not.
You probably expected your ex to write to you already and might now be wondering: What is he thinking? Why hasn’t he reached out? Does he even miss me?!
The no contact rule is the most prevalent way of how people try to get their ex back. But the biggest problem with it is that it’s so popular not because of its effectiveness, but because it’s what a lot of people feel like doing after a breakup.
Rejection hurts. There is no way around it. So it’s only natural for you to hope that giving your ex a taste of his own medicine will bring him to his senses.
Unfortunately, 9 out of 10 times, this attitude only does more damage than good.
Yes, there are cases, where no contact does have the desired effect. I will talk about them later in this post. But for the most part, it doesn’t work the way you want it to.
As a man who initiated multiple breakups, I will explain the real male psychology of the no contact rule based on my own experiences, as well as that of countless coaching clients, whom I helped get their ex back.
Male Psychology During No Contact Rule – Your Expectations
When women start the no contact rule, they generally hope that their ex will go through a transition. That he will process his own emotions and come to conclude he made a mistake.
The consensus on the internet supports this, too. Most experts will tell you that the male psychology of the no contact rule looks somewhat like this:
1. He is happy with his newfound freedom
2. After a while he notices your absence and start missing you
3. He feels abandoned and is angry at you
4. He might also feel sad or confused at why you’re not contacting him
5. He realizes he made a mistake
6. He wants you back
This emotional journey is what you expect your ex to go through after breaking off contact with him.
I hate to break it to you, but most men will get stuck at:
3. He feels abandoned and is angry at you
Or at
4. He might also feel sad or confused at why you’re not contacting him
and never get past it…
Male Psychology During No Contact Rule – The Sad Reality
You see, us men, we are not the best at processing our emotions.
Not to say that women are better at this, because they’re not. We all get stuck, start holding grudges and eventually just give up.
The sad reality of the no contact rule is that for men, their emotional journey actually looks like this:
1. He is happy with his newfound freedom
2. After a while he notices your absence and start missing you
3. He feels abandoned and is angry at you
4. He might also feel sad or confused at why you’re not contacting him
5. He keeps on waiting for you to fix things
6. But eventually he gives up and moves on
For the most part, the no contact rule is like a Mexican standoff.
You’re both rejecting the other, hoping that it will motivate them to back down and do what YOU want.
But us men, we are fighters.
What’s more, we’re used to having more control and power when it comes to commitment. After all, it’s often still considered a man’s job to make the first move, initiate sex or even propose.
So when a woman tries to prove to us that don’t have control over any of those things, we will fight that notion with all we’ve got.
And sadly, denial is our most powerful weapon.
What Does a Man Think and Feel During No Contact
You see, men are used to getting things their way. Especially when it comes to matters related to commitment. This is why we often vehemently deny a reality that might not suit our own narrative.
What a man thinks and feels during no contact will heavily depend on his reasons for wanting to break up.
Still, he will mostly remain stuck in his own confirmation bias and will look for ways to view your silence as reassurance for himself: that his decision to break up was 100% right and justified.
I know, understanding this side of male psychology is disappointing. Men can be very stubborn and remain so, no matter what.
For example, if your ex wanted to split up because he didn’t believe you were good enough of a match, he wasn’t in love, didn’t think you were soulmates etc.
Then he will take you not contacting him as a confirmation for all of his doubts and fears.
He will feel rejected and resentful and think to himself:
“I was right to end things, clearly she never really loved me. If she did care about me, she would have never abandoned me this way. I’m better off on my own.”
Even if he secretly wants you back, he will likely only continue waiting, hoping that you will finally do something to prove him wrong.
Similarly, if your ex broke up because he was unhappy in the relationship and things weren’t working for him, he will take your rejection as further proof that you don’t care about his well-being and needs.
I know that it might seem unfair that he should be the one resenting you for abandoning him. After all, he is likely the one who decided to break up in the first place!
The reason for this is: when somebody says they want to break up, they mostly never actually mean it.
They might be in denial of what his decision entails and think of it more as a break rather than a real breakup. The sign of this is when your ex keeps on relating to you as though nothing has changed.
Also, men often break up as a last resort to finally get you to take them seriously and come their way.
The same way, he might be breaking up with you just to get you to back down and give him what HE wants.
Does No Contact Rule Ever Work on Men
In most cases, male psychology of the no contact rule will disappoint your expectations. Especially in the long term. But there are a few exceptions.
There are cases where the no contact rule can actually work wonders.
No Contact Rule Works Really Well in the Short Term
Like when you stop reaching out to your ex for a few days shortly after a fight or a breakup. Giving a guy 5-7 days of space is that sweet spot that can make him miss you without triggering his defensive walls of resentment and denial.
It might give him an impulse to start sending you subtle signs, at which point you will need to help him along, cooperate and try to fix things.
In this regard, male psychology is not that different from female psychology.
We need encouragement to feel motivated and keep pursuing something or someone.
And we also need help and support to be able to overcome our own limitations.
You Have To Do No Contact if He Demands It
Another case in which no contact is not only beneficial but even necessary is when your ex made it clear that he wants you to stay away from him.
He might have repeatedly asked for space or even blocked you.
When this happens, there is no way around it, you have to do what he demands for as long as he needs you to do it.
This is where 30 days of or more no contact can be the only remedy to save your relationship.
How to Get a Man to Change His Mind About a Breakup
To answer this question, I want to share a story of one of our clients. Her boyfriend broke up with her because, according to him, she didn’t respect his boundaries and was too needy.
Initially his rejection only triggered her more and led to her over texting, calling etc. To which, he blocked her and told her he wants nothing to do with her anymore.
When she came to us, she was distraught and in disbelief that he could end things this way.
We helped her calm down and find the strength to do what he asked of her.
She didn’t contact him for three weeks until he reached out, but only to demand that she comes to pick up her things from his place.
He didn’t even want to see her. He put her stuff out in boxes and left it on his porch for her to collect.
Obviously, this was an extremely difficult situation for her, but she could sense that he is stubborn and there is no room for anything else. So she did exactly what he asked her to do.
She came, got her boxes and drove away without as much as one goodbye text.
He called her that evening and opened up to her about his feelings. He confessed he does miss her, but is unsure if he can trust her. From this point onwards, they stayed in touch.
She gradually convinced him that she understands what HE wants and needs.
Two weeks after picking up her boxes, she was already staying over at his place again. And a week later they were officially back together.
The moral of this story is: in order to get a man to change his mind about a breakup, you need to come his way and do what he wants, at least to some degree.
Male psychology being the way it is, makes it impossible for you to change his mind just by not speaking to him.
What to Do Instead of the No Contact Rule
Now that you know that the no contact rule might not be the best approach for your case, you might be wondering what else to do. Hundreds of coaching calls where my wife and I were supporting others in getting their ex back, helped us develop an alternative approach.
The point of it is to stay in touch, but remain guarded and little distant. And then gradually warm up your ex by winning his trust.
This way, you won’t trigger his defensive mechanisms. But you can also protect yourself from him taking you for granted and making you chase him.
If you want to learn how to apply the limited contact rule, I can explain it to you in detail in a coaching call.
Here I’ll listen to your story, take your side and build you up so that you’re more self-assured and can come off as strong and cool when talking to your ex.
I’ll also give you tips on what to say to him, to get him to stop being so stubborn and want you again.
Thank you for reading! If you have any doubts or questions regarding male psychology of the no contact rule, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.
Because we are deeply social- and emotionally attached creatures.
Truly moving on is difficult, even when your relationship went through a lot of turmoil and struggle.
But sometimes it takes a while for your absence to affect your ex enough for them to want to come back.
How long, you ask?
Depending on how rough things were between the two of you, generally within a couple of weeks (unless your ex is a ghoster, then it’ll take longer, but more on that later)
Now, with all that being said, let’s talk about what’s truly brought you here:
You want to know whether you should wait for your ex to come back. And if not, what other choices do you have.
So let’s talk about it.
Why Do Some Exes Come Back and Others Don’t
Now that you know that there is a 50-50 chance of your ex coming back, you’re likely wondering what are the odds of you being in those lucky 50%.
I want to share some of my own story relating to this point.
You see, I was once one of those exes. In two of my serious long term relationships, I was the one who broke up and tried to move on.
And the first time around, I didn’t want to get back together.
I wasn’t happy in that relationship. My ex and I weren’t a good match. We had a completely different outlook on life, valued and wanted different things.
That breakup felt more like a relief.
I was finally free to live my life without trying to make something work that simply wasn’t working.
In my second serious long term relationship, things were not perfect either. I wasn’t sure I was ready for commitment, so I decided to break things off.
Only to come back, THREE TIMES.
My wife (then girlfriend) and I went through three breakups in the first two years of our relationship. We had some problems, but we figured them out.
Our relationship was completely different from the previous one I described. We were absolutely crazy about each other. Our chemistry was like an irresistible pull that kept on bringing us back together.
And we were actually a good match. We shared life goals and values. Which allowed us to build a functioning and happy relationship.
When evaluating if your ex will come back or not, you’re going to need to take a critical look at your relationship:
Were you guys happy together? Did you really click? How strong were you attracted to each other? Were you a good match?
All these will be the defining factors that will make your ex want to come back.
5 Reasons Why Exes Do Come Back
Now that you know the biggest defining factors that will determine whether your ex will come back, I want to help you get into their mind.
So that you understand their decision process and can help them along.
These are the five direct reasons that can make a person reconsider a breakup and come back:
1. Your Ex’s Starts Missing You
The number one reason that will motivate an ex to come back to you is when they start missing you.
You’re not around anymore, or you’re not as available, and they’ll eventually start feeling lonely because of this.
They’ll be going about their day, doing things that will remind them of you, over and over again.
But in order for this to happen, you have to give them room to feel this way.
A common mistake a lot of people make after a breakup is endlessly chasing their ex. So be careful, because by doing that you’ll never give them a chance to actually miss you.
And consequently, they’ll also feel no need to come back any time soon.
2. They’re Not Over You
The second-biggest reason why exes do come back is because they realize that they’re not over you.
Our attachments run far deeper than we think. This was the case for me with my wife, Karolina.
But I still had feelings for her and didn’t actually want to let go.
Which brings me to my next point.
3. They Didn’t Actually Mean to Break Up
I know this might sound silly, but half of the time, dumpers don’t actually realize what they’re doing when they say that they want to break up.
This was very much the case for me. I felt very secure that I could get my ex back anytime. So I initially didn’t worry about losing Karolina at all.
It was quite an emotional journey, before I woke up to the reality of what was really going on and the breakup actually hit me.
Once it did, that’s when I started coming back.
4. They Start Worrying About Losing You
One of the most direct reasons for your ex to come back will be once they start to worry that they might lose you for good.
Again, in order for this to happen, you have to leave them room to feel this way.
As long as you’re chasing, or acting desperate, they’ll feel in control and remain in denial of the reality of the breakup.
Another underlying issue that might cause your ex to not care about where you’re at is when they’re angry or hurt about something.
As long as this is the case, they will have no room to worry about losing you because they’ll remain so preoccupied with whatever it is that they’re disappointed by.
Lastly, one of the biggest reasons why an ex will come back is because they might change their mind about what it is that they actually want.
This was very much the case for me in our breakups with Karolina.
I was afraid of commitment, I didn’t want to remain trapped for the rest of my life. I worried that I might miss out on things if we were to stay together.
But she was understanding of my doubts and fears and didn’t push me to get over them.
Ironically, this was exactly what I needed to be able to take things one day at a time and get in touch with what I actually wanted in life…
…which was for us to be together.
How Do Exes Come Back
Now that you know why some exes come back and others don’t and what the direct reasons are that prompt them to take this step. I want to dispel some myths about what getting back together after a breakup actually looks like.
I know that a lot of you guys hope that it will be enough to apply the no contact rule and just wait it out.
That your ex will eventually conclude that the breakup was a mistake and beg you to take them back.
The only case where things actually can work out this way is when your ex is a ghoster.
I already mentioned this in the introduction, ghosters are a very particular type of dumper. The very reason why they choose to end things so abruptly and not give you any explanation is so that there is room for them to change their mind.
However, it might take them months or even years to get there.
But if your ex did give you a reason why they want to break up, then they’re not a ghoster.
When this is the case, they will likely NOT come back without you doing something to change their mind first. Plus, getting back together always ends up being more of a gradual process, rather than a sudden event.
Now that you know that your ex will most likely not come back on their own I want to give you some tips on what to do to make it happen.
You see, all couples break up for a reason.
In some cases, these reasons have a lot to do with you or your relationship. But it’s also possible that it’s just due to their personal doubts or even mental health issues.
Regardless of what the exact reasons for your breakup are exactly, in order to get your ex to come back to you, you’re going to have to fix the thing that made you break up in the first place.
This is why, unfortunately, distancing yourself and waiting will not be enough for most of you. No contact can work to some degree.
It can help you show your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously and respecting their decision.
But it will not fix the thing that drove you apart.
As long as this problem is there, it will act as a barrier preventing your ex from coming back to you.
If you need help overcoming issues that caused your breakup, I can support you with that in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you evaluate if your ex will come back or not.
I’ll also give you tips on what to say and do to get through to them. So that you can help them overcome the barriers that are preventing you from being together.
So you’re wondering when does the breakup hit the dumper?
This is actually a good question to ask, because it means you understand that your ex hasn’t yet grasped the reality of your breakup.
Your intuition tells you that they don’t yet feel the gravity of the situation, and that they might even be treating you as though you will stick around forever, waiting for them to change their mind.
So naturally, you will be wondering WHEN the breakup will finally hit the dumper and what stage they are currently in.
That is exactly what I am going to help you with in this article.
We are going to cover the 5 Stages a dumper goes through before realizing that the breakup actually happened!
Within that, we’ll answer how long it takes them and what you can do about it.
5 Stages a Dumper Goes Through
The stages that a dumper goes through after a breakup are very different from that of the dumpee.
Since they are the ones that initiated the breakup, they feel like they have power and control.
To a point where they believe they can reverse the breakup, if they so choose to.
If this ISN’T your first breakup with your ex, you’ll especially understand this. Since they’ll likely be treating you as though you’re at their beck and call, even though you’re broken up.
For now, though, let’s cover the 5 stages.
1. They Are Certain About the Breakup
The first stage at dumper goes through after a breakup, and is feeling extremely CERTAIN about their decision.
No matter how much you may have pleaded and begged and promised to change…
They will have remained firm in their decision and told you that the breakup is final.
And if you kept trying to push, they likely got defensive, and now they are even angry with you for not accepting their choice.
2. They Feel Relieved and Free To Do What They Want
Once the breakup is final, the dumper will temporarily feel relieved to have gotten it over with, and consider themselves free to finally do whatever they want.
They will tell themselves that this is for the better, and will often go a little off the rails. So much so, you might not even recognize them and wonder why they suddenly changed so much!
The second stage can last from a week to a month, but sooner than later the dumper will hit the next stage…
3. Doubt and Uncertainty Starts To Creep In
And this is where their confidence about their decision to break up starts to see some doubt and uncertainty.
After having experienced the freedom to do and say as they please, they come to realize that it’s not enough to make them happy…
And that maybe you and your relationship WEREN’T actually the true problem.
What once seemed like an absolute and unquestionably good decision is now not so clear anymore.
Because the dumper begins to realize that perhaps things weren’t so black-and-white after all.
The fourth stage is where the breakup hits the dumper, and it suddenly dawns on them that you are out of their reach.
They realize that the breakup really happened, and that they may never see you in their life again.
Now, this is where there is a fork in the road…
The dumper will feel one of two ways about the realization that you’re gone for good:
#1 They Either Feel Relieved and Free
I of course hope this isn’t your case, but it’s important to mention.
The first possibility is that the dumper will continue to feel relieved and free.
If this is the case, then they were likely unhappy in the relationship and consider having left it to be the right and healthy choice for themselves
In this second scenario, the dumper’s journey will end here.
#2 Or They Feel Remorse and Regret
This is your likely desired scenario, where a dumber will start remembering all the good of your relationship and diminish the bad.
Your ex will see that things weren’t all that terrible as they’d previously told themselves and that maybe had they made more effort, things could’ve worked out between you two.
They will feel remorse and regret over their decision to break up.
Expect a dumper to arrive at this stage within a few weeks, or sometimes a few months, after the breakup.
We are social creatures, and when the warmth, comfort, and familiarity of a partner suddenly vanishes from one day onto the next, there is a void that is difficult to fill.
This is where a dumper typically starts to miss their ex.
Do Dumpers Feel Separation Anxiety?
Dumpers usually don’t feel separation anxiety because they are the ones that initiated the breakup.
This means they are often under the IMPRESSION that they can reverse the breakup if they so choose to.
But this can change if you make it clear to them that you are not going to be waiting around forever.
It will take away their sense of control to reverse their choice on a whim. Which can then lead to a dumper feeling, separation anxiety.
No contact can absolutely hurt the dumper, but whether it does or not, will depend on the circumstances of your relationship break up.
If, after reaching Stage 4. of the dumper stage, as we covered earlier, your ex falls into the first scenario: #1 They Feel Relieved and Free, then, no, doing no contact will not hurt them.
If, however, your ex, falls into the second category #2 They Feel Remorse and Regret, then, yes, you doing No Contact with them will hurt them.
What I would like to underline here is that doing No Contact to hurt a dumper is unlikely to get you the results you were hoping for.
This is something my wife and I have seen too many times with our coaching clients.
Before they come to us, they tried applying no contact to get their ex to regret their decision and come chasing them.
They all hope that by doing No Contact, their ex will magically see reason and come running to the door, ready to take everything back, apologize and even propose.
But I’m afraid to tell you that in reality, it rarely goes that way…
No Contact mostly doesn’t work because it tries to motivate an ex with rejection and fear.
When you do that, an ex often sees it as further evidence that their decision to break up was the right one. Because they perceive you as cold and untrustworthy, since you’re choosing to sever the few ties that remained…
This is why Karolina and I created and teach the Limited Contact Rule instead.
Which strikes a balance between showing strength and composure to your ex, while, subtly signaling your interest to try again.
This way, you are NOT cutting off the remaining thread that connects you, and you’ll be giving your relationship a chance to be rebuilt.
If you’d like to learn more about how to best do this, you can book a coaching call with me.
Here, I will listen to your story in every detail and coach you on how to exactly apply the Limited Contact Rule to get your ex back.
And if you have already done ‘No Contact’, don’t worry, we will remedy the situation together.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
