Photo by Jasmine Carter

Yes, close to 50% of exes do come back.


Because we are deeply social- and emotionally attached creatures.

Truly moving on is difficult, even when your relationship went through a lot of turmoil and struggle.

But sometimes it takes a while for your absence to affect your ex enough for them to want to come back.

How long, you ask?

Depending on how rough things were between the two of you, generally within a couple of weeks (unless your ex is a ghoster, then it’ll take longer, but more on that later)

Now, with all that being said, let’s talk about what’s truly brought you here:

You want to know whether you should wait for your ex to come back. And if not, what other choices do you have.

So let’s talk about it.

Why Do Some Exes Come Back and Others Don’t

Now that you know that there is a 50-50 chance of your ex coming back, you’re likely wondering what are the odds of you being in those lucky 50%.

I want to share some of my own story relating to this point.

You see, I was once one of those exes. In two of my serious long term relationships, I was the one who broke up and tried to move on.

And the first time around, I didn’t want to get back together.

I wasn’t happy in that relationship. My ex and I weren’t a good match. We had a completely different outlook on life, valued and wanted different things.

That breakup felt more like a relief.

I was finally free to live my life without trying to make something work that simply wasn’t working.

In my second serious long term relationship, things were not perfect either. I wasn’t sure I was ready for commitment, so I decided to break things off.

Only to come back, THREE TIMES.

My wife (then girlfriend) and I went through three breakups in the first two years of our relationship. We had some problems, but we figured them out.

Our relationship was completely different from the previous one I described. We were absolutely crazy about each other. Our chemistry was like an irresistible pull that kept on bringing us back together.

And we were actually a good match. We shared life goals and values. Which allowed us to build a functioning and happy relationship.

When evaluating if your ex will come back or not, you’re going to need to take a critical look at your relationship:

Were you guys happy together? Did you really click? How strong were you attracted to each other? Were you a good match?

All these will be the defining factors that will make your ex want to come back.

5 Reasons Why Exes Do Come Back

Now that you know the biggest defining factors that will determine whether your ex will come back, I want to help you get into their mind.

So that you understand their decision process and can help them along.

These are the five direct reasons that can make a person reconsider a breakup and come back:

1. Your Ex’s Starts Missing You

The number one reason that will motivate an ex to come back to you is when they start missing you.

You’re not around anymore, or you’re not as available, and they’ll eventually start feeling lonely because of this.

They’ll be going about their day, doing things that will remind them of you, over and over again.

But in order for this to happen, you have to give them room to feel this way.

Sometimes, you even need to cut your ex off a bit, to get them to miss you.

A common mistake a lot of people make after a breakup is endlessly chasing their ex. So be careful, because by doing that you’ll never give them a chance to actually miss you.

And consequently, they’ll also feel no need to come back any time soon.

2. They’re Not Over You

The second-biggest reason why exes do come back is because they realize that they’re not over you.

Our attachments run far deeper than we think. This was the case for me with my wife, Karolina.

I was pretending to be over her, even to myself.

But I still had feelings for her and didn’t actually want to let go.

Which brings me to my next point.

3. They Didn’t Actually Mean to Break Up

I know this might sound silly, but half of the time, dumpers don’t actually realize what they’re doing when they say that they want to break up.

This was very much the case for me. I felt very secure that I could get my ex back anytime. So I initially didn’t worry about losing Karolina at all.

It was quite an emotional journey, before I woke up to the reality of what was really going on and the breakup actually hit me.

Once it did, that’s when I started coming back.

4. They Start Worrying About Losing You

One of the most direct reasons for your ex to come back will be once they start to worry that they might lose you for good.

Again, in order for this to happen, you have to leave them room to feel this way.

As long as you’re chasing, or acting desperate, they’ll feel in control and remain in denial of the reality of the breakup.

Another underlying issue that might cause your ex to not care about where you’re at is when they’re angry or hurt about something.

As long as this is the case, they will have no room to worry about losing you because they’ll remain so preoccupied with whatever it is that they’re disappointed by.

They’ll be sending you subtle signs that they’re hurting after the breakup, though.

5. They Change Their Mind About What They Want

Lastly, one of the biggest reasons why an ex will come back is because they might change their mind about what it is that they actually want.

This was very much the case for me in our breakups with Karolina.

I was afraid of commitment, I didn’t want to remain trapped for the rest of my life. I worried that I might miss out on things if we were to stay together.

But she was understanding of my doubts and fears and didn’t push me to get over them.

Ironically, this was exactly what I needed to be able to take things one day at a time and get in touch with what I actually wanted in life…

…which was for us to be together.

How Do Exes Come Back

Now that you know why some exes come back and others don’t and what the direct reasons are that prompt them to take this step. I want to dispel some myths about what getting back together after a breakup actually looks like.

I know that a lot of you guys hope that it will be enough to apply the no contact rule and just wait it out.

That your ex will eventually conclude that the breakup was a mistake and beg you to take them back.

The only case where things actually can work out this way is when your ex is a ghoster.

I already mentioned this in the introduction, ghosters are a very particular type of dumper. The very reason why they choose to end things so abruptly and not give you any explanation is so that there is room for them to change their mind.

This is why ghosters always come back.

However, it might take them months or even years to get there.

But if your ex did give you a reason why they want to break up, then they’re not a ghoster.

When this is the case, they will likely NOT come back without you doing something to change their mind first. Plus, getting back together always ends up being more of a gradual process, rather than a sudden event.

This was the case for Karolina and me. (She describes her side of the story and what she did to get me to come back here.)

How to Get Your Ex to Come Back

Now that you know that your ex will most likely not come back on their own I want to give you some tips on what to do to make it happen.

You see, all couples break up for a reason.

In some cases, these reasons have a lot to do with you or your relationship. But it’s also possible that it’s just due to their personal doubts or even mental health issues.

Regardless of what the exact reasons for your breakup are exactly, in order to get your ex to come back to you, you’re going to have to fix the thing that made you break up in the first place.

This is why, unfortunately, distancing yourself and waiting will not be enough for most of you. No contact can work to some degree.

It can help you show your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously and respecting their decision.

But it will not fix the thing that drove you apart.

As long as this problem is there, it will act as a barrier preventing your ex from coming back to you.

If you need help overcoming issues that caused your breakup, I can support you with that in a coaching call.

SimplyTogether Coaching Calls

Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you evaluate if your ex will come back or not.

I’ll also give you tips on what to say and do to get through to them. So that you can help them overcome the barriers that are preventing you from being together.

Click Here To Check Out Ex Back Coaching.

If you want to further evaluate the chances of your ex coming back, check out my wife’s post: 15 Surprising Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back

Thank you for reading and if you have any questions, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.


Gabriel Brenner