So you’re wondering when does the breakup hit the dumper?
This is actually a good question to ask, because it means you understand that your ex hasn’t yet grasped the reality of your breakup.
Your intuition tells you that they don’t yet feel the gravity of the situation, and that they might even be treating you as though you will stick around forever, waiting for them to change their mind.
So naturally, you will be wondering WHEN the breakup will finally hit the dumper and what stage they are currently in.
That is exactly what I am going to help you with in this article.
We are going to cover the 5 Stages a dumper goes through before realizing that the breakup actually happened!
Within that, we’ll answer how long it takes them and what you can do about it.
5 Stages a Dumper Goes Through
The stages that a dumper goes through after a breakup are very different from that of the dumpee.
Since they are the ones that initiated the breakup, they feel like they have power and control.
To a point where they believe they can reverse the breakup, if they so choose to.
If this ISN’T your first breakup with your ex, you’ll especially understand this. Since they’ll likely be treating you as though you’re at their beck and call, even though you’re broken up.
For now, though, let’s cover the 5 stages.
1. They Are Certain About the Breakup
The first stage at dumper goes through after a breakup, and is feeling extremely CERTAIN about their decision.
No matter how much you may have pleaded and begged and promised to change…
They will have remained firm in their decision and told you that the breakup is final.
And if you kept trying to push, they likely got defensive, and now they are even angry with you for not accepting their choice.
2. They Feel Relieved and Free To Do What They Want
Once the breakup is final, the dumper will temporarily feel relieved to have gotten it over with, and consider themselves free to finally do whatever they want.
They will tell themselves that this is for the better, and will often go a little off the rails. So much so, you might not even recognize them and wonder why they suddenly changed so much!
The second stage can last from a week to a month, but sooner than later the dumper will hit the next stage…
3. Doubt and Uncertainty Starts To Creep In
And this is where their confidence about their decision to break up starts to see some doubt and uncertainty.
After having experienced the freedom to do and say as they please, they come to realize that it’s not enough to make them happy…
And that maybe you and your relationship WEREN’T actually the true problem.
What once seemed like an absolute and unquestionably good decision is now not so clear anymore.
Because the dumper begins to realize that perhaps things weren’t so black-and-white after all.
This is where your ex might start testing you as well, so watch out.
4. The Reality of the Breakup Hits Them
The fourth stage is where the breakup hits the dumper, and it suddenly dawns on them that you are out of their reach.
They realize that the breakup really happened, and that they may never see you in their life again.
Now, this is where there is a fork in the road…
The dumper will feel one of two ways about the realization that you’re gone for good:
#1 They Either Feel Relieved and Free
I of course hope this isn’t your case, but it’s important to mention.
The first possibility is that the dumper will continue to feel relieved and free.
If this is the case, then they were likely unhappy in the relationship and consider having left it to be the right and healthy choice for themselves
In this second scenario, the dumper’s journey will end here.
#2 Or They Feel Remorse and Regret
This is your likely desired scenario, where a dumber will start remembering all the good of your relationship and diminish the bad.
Your ex will see that things weren’t all that terrible as they’d previously told themselves and that maybe had they made more effort, things could’ve worked out between you two.
They will feel remorse and regret over their decision to break up.
Expect a dumper to arrive at this stage within a few weeks, or sometimes a few months, after the breakup.
Before giving you signs that they’ll eventually come back.
5. They Want To Reverse the Breakup
So if the dumper is in the second scenario where they feel remorse and regret over their breakup decision, this is where they will want to reverse it.
Few dumpers will be very bold and reach out to you at this stage saying that they want to get back together.
Most will likely be less confident and won’t be sure how to reverse it.
They might stay inactive for longer periods, secretly waiting for you and hoping you will be the first to reach out.
Does the Dumper Ever Miss the Ex?
Yes, a dumper will often miss their ex.
Because even in imperfect relationships, there are positive things that connect you and is also why you might still feel connected to your ex.
We are social creatures, and when the warmth, comfort, and familiarity of a partner suddenly vanishes from one day onto the next, there is a void that is difficult to fill.
This is where a dumper typically starts to miss their ex.
Do Dumpers Feel Separation Anxiety?
Dumpers usually don’t feel separation anxiety because they are the ones that initiated the breakup.
This means they are often under the IMPRESSION that they can reverse the breakup if they so choose to.
But this can change if you make it clear to them that you are not going to be waiting around forever.
It will take away their sense of control to reverse their choice on a whim. Which can then lead to a dumper feeling, separation anxiety.
My wife’s post about this can also give you more clarity: 6 signs he is hurting after the breakup and what it means.
Does No Contact Hurt the Dumper?
No contact can absolutely hurt the dumper, but whether it does or not, will depend on the circumstances of your relationship break up.
If, after reaching Stage 4. of the dumper stage, as we covered earlier, your ex falls into the first scenario: #1 They Feel Relieved and Free, then, no, doing no contact will not hurt them.
If, however, your ex, falls into the second category #2 They Feel Remorse and Regret, then, yes, you doing No Contact with them will hurt them.
What I would like to underline here is that doing No Contact to hurt a dumper is unlikely to get you the results you were hoping for.
(You can read more about what happens when you cut them off here.)
This is something my wife and I have seen too many times with our coaching clients.
Before they come to us, they tried applying no contact to get their ex to regret their decision and come chasing them.
They all hope that by doing No Contact, their ex will magically see reason and come running to the door, ready to take everything back, apologize and even propose.
But I’m afraid to tell you that in reality, it rarely goes that way…
No Contact mostly doesn’t work because it tries to motivate an ex with rejection and fear.
When you do that, an ex often sees it as further evidence that their decision to break up was the right one. Because they perceive you as cold and untrustworthy, since you’re choosing to sever the few ties that remained…
This is why Karolina and I created and teach the Limited Contact Rule instead.
Which strikes a balance between showing strength and composure to your ex, while, subtly signaling your interest to try again.
This way, you are NOT cutting off the remaining thread that connects you, and you’ll be giving your relationship a chance to be rebuilt.
If you’d like to learn more about how to best do this, you can book a coaching call with me.
Here, I will listen to your story in every detail and coach you on how to exactly apply the Limited Contact Rule to get your ex back.
And if you have already done ‘No Contact’, don’t worry, we will remedy the situation together.
I hope you found this article helpful, and thank you for reading.
You’ll find more clues to where your ex is at in my other post: 13 Definite Signs a Dumper Wants You Back After a Breakup.
If you have any questions or comments about when the breakup hits the dumper, please leave them in the comments section and I will get back to you.