Photo by Kev Costello

Being ghosted by someone you liked is a painful experience. Maybe you’re in a bit of a shock or even disbelief because of it.

You probably thought that what you two shared was special and that he or she cared about you just as much as you cared about them. Things seemingly were going so well…

…only for them to suddenly cut you off for no reason and with no explanation!

If this just happened to you, you might be wondering: “Is he or she ever going to get back to me?”

Or perhaps someone who ghosted you just got back in touch, and now you’re really confused and don’t fully understand what they want from you at this point.

Worry no more, I got you covered!

In this post, I will share with you everything you need to know about ghosting. We’ll talk about why ghosters always come back, what does it mean when they do, and what best to do about it.

Why Ghosters Always Come Back

Imagine two people who just started dating each other. They’re both into it, things are going well, but then your date suddenly starts having second thoughts.

He or she becomes scared of how fast things have been going. They’re not sure if they’re ready for any serious commitment.

Plus, they were putting on a bit of a show to impress you, pretending to have it all figured out etc., but they just can’t keep it up anymore.

So they’re very undecided:

On one hand, they don’t want to let go and just end things. But they don’t want to continue the relationship either.

And that’s why they just ghost you.

This way, he or she doesn’t have to admit to anything to you and doesn’t have to explicitly end things either.

But at the same time, they are also making sure that the relationship doesn’t continue.

To them, ghosting is a painless solution to their dilemma.

It’s like an open-ended breakup.

In their head, you’re not dating anymore, but theoretically you could just pick up exactly where you left off, if he or she were to change their mind.

This is the reason ghosters always come back!

The very purpose of ghosting is to create uncertainty and thereby leave room for a potential change of heart.

This is also why ghosters still follow you. They want to keep tabs on you, so that they are up-to-date on what is going on in your life and can intervene if necessary.

How Long Until a Ghoster Comes Back

Firstly, I want to make clear what qualifies as ghosting.

If someone you’re dating suddenly stops replying only to get back to you a couple of days later, they haven’t ghosted you.

A few days of no contact isn’t enough to qualify as ghosting.

There are many potential reasons why your crush might stop responding.

If they dropped off the map of for about a week, or continues to do so, that’s also not really ghosting.

It’s possible that he or she is emotionally unavailable and has trouble letting you become a part of their life.

Another possibility is that they are hiding something, like a depression, an addiction or worse, another relationship…

Still, a few days up to a week of silence isn’t enough to qualify as ghosting.

How long does it take for a proper ghoster to come back then?

Unfortunately, I couldn’t find any reliable statistics on this.

But a lot of you guys have shared your stories with me in your comments and emails. Based on what you’ve told me, on average, a ghoster takes about 3 to 6 moths to come back.

But this is just an estimation. There is no fixed time frame for this.

It all depends on the situation and on their character.

Some ghosters come back after a month, some get in touch after a year of no contact, others never come back.

This brings me to my next point…

Do Ghosters Ever Regret Ghosting

The short answer is: no they don’t.

I know this might be shocking and hard to hear, but let me reassure you right away: it doesn’t mean that you were completely wrong about him or her, and that they didn’t care about you at all.

The reason why ghosters don’t regret ghosting is because, in their head, they haven’t lost you yet.

To them, it’s an open-ended breakup. They think they can just get back to you and win you over again. So in a way, they feel like there is nothing to regret YET.

The only time when a ghoster might start regretting what they’ve done is when they try to restart the relationship, and you’re not interested anymore.

Only then he or she might start having serious regrets.

What Does It Mean When a Guy or a Girl Ghosts You and Then Comes Back

This probably makes you wonder: “if he or she doesn’t regret ghosting me, then why did they come back?”

There are many reasons why people ghost, but there is only one reason why they come back:

When a guy or a girl comes back after ghosting you, it means: they are still attracted to you and want you again.

Does it mean you’re special to them and that they really care about you, though?

No, unfortunately not.

A guy or a girl who is a ghoster isn’t mature enough to experience this kind of serious attachment.

Him or her coming back after a long time apart could indicate that you two shared something deeper and that they missed you.

But it could also be because some other girl or guy just dumped them, and they want to feel less lonely.

Or maybe they noticed that you were about to move on and barged in to prevent it. They might not want a serious relationship, but they don’t want anyone else to have you either.

Now that you know that a ghoster coming back means that he or she wants you again, let’s discuss what your most strategic next move should be.

Should You Take a Ghoster Back

You should almost never take a ghoster back.

He or she did this to you once already, they are bound to ghost you again.

Even if they don’t, they have already shown you that they can’t be trusted.

Regardless how special things might have felt with this guy or this girl, it wasn’t for real. He or she was pretending to be someone they are not and hasn’t been honest with you.

A guy or a girl who is truly in love with you, would never treat you this way. 

If he or she truly cared about you, they would have told you what was going on, they also wouldn’t be stringing you along and keeping things vague on purpose.

So this is the reasonable thing to do, but I know that when it comes to the matters of heart, people hardly ever act reasonably…

I myself took my boyfriend back after he broke up with me three times. (He never ghosted me though…)

Still, I was definitely doing the unreasonable thing back then, and it actually turned out great. We are now happily married, we’re running this website together, and we’re helping other people with their relationship problems.

I also know from a lot of your guy’s comments that saying no to a ghoster is often easier said than done.

So if you need some help knowing what’s the right thing to do in your particular case, I’m more than happy to support you with this, in a coaching call!

SimplyTogether Coaching Calls

Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you make sense of it.

We’ll then make a plan and give you tips on what to say and do, so that you can either get closure, or regain control and feel secure with them again.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

If you feel frustrated that you just keep on falling for the wrong kind of men, you might find some helpful tips in my other post: How To Finally Find The Right Guy

And in case you have any questions, leave me a comment below, I’ll answer them there!


Karolina Bartnik