Photo by Keira Burton
When you’re in a love-hate relationship, you’re gonna feel like everything is just right in one moment: you have warm fuzzy feelings and are tots in love with him…
And the next moment the clouds suddenly come rolling in and it’s hard not to hate everything about the guy.
And all of that within a day or even just an hour, leaving you confused, doubtful, and upset.
Does that sound about right?
If so, let’s dive into love-hate relationships and make some sense of them.
After all, having the repeated experience of loving someone one moment and hating them the next, isn’t easy on your nerves or heart.
And we can’t have that now, can we.
Is It Normal to Hate Your Partner?
First things first, how NORMAL is it to hate your partner?
It is not uncommon in relationships, especially if you find yourself hating him from time to time, rather than always.
Most couples we’ve worked with hate something or other about their partner.
Whether it’s a small issue, like the way he tells the same story at every social event.
Or big, say when he dismisses your feelings for the hundredth time!
But feeling hatred towards your partner is an indicator that something in your relationship isn’t quite right and could do with ADJUSTING.
More on that later, but first we need to explore a few more questions surrounding love-hate relationships.
Is a Love-Hate Relationship Healthy?
The short answer is “No, it’s not healthy.”
But things aren’t always so simple, are they? Since love-hate relationships have -well, BOTH components.
So let’s separate the two for a moment:
- Everything that is ‘Loving’ in your relationship is definitely healthy and good for yours and his heart, and will help nurture your special connection.
When you’re in the ‘love’ mode, you’re happy right?
There’s little you want to change in that moment, things are pleasant as they are and your relationship will probably look and feel like a healthy one.
- By contrast, everything that is ‘Hating’ is going to push you both further apart and hurt your relationship. (especially if you’re directing your hatred at each other)
So instead of slapping a generic label on your love-hate relationship and calling it either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’…
We take what IS WORKING and say:
“Awesome! I’m sure when you’re feeling loving, the sparks that go flying between you two can be seen from miles away!”
And then in turn we try and understand where the hate is coming from.
In moments of feeling hateful towards Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) it was ALWAYS a sign that something WASN’T WORKING for me.
I was not getting something in my relationship that I really needed.
So when you’re feeling hateful towards him, think about what you’re NOT GETTING from him that you really need!
Can You Love Someone and Hate Them at the Same Time?
Of course you can.
Let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey as an example.
“I’m crazy in love with you, but I want to kinky-torture you in my play dungeon.”
Or take Edward from Twilight:
“Life without you is simply not possible. But I might just kill you.”
I’m not sure Edward would qualify for many of the signs of true love from a man. -But that’s maybe a story for another time.
What I want to get across is: no relationship is free of some darker elements.
In a sense, EVERY relationship is a love-hate relationship.
So yes, you can love someone and hate them at the same time.
Because at some point or another everybody has moments of hating their partner. We’re only human after all.
But what’s important here, is your ‘Love-Hate RATIO’.
If you’re at 95% Love – 5% Hate, then consider yourself lucky.
But if you feel like you’re more at 50% Love – 50% Hate, then it makes sense you’re looking for answers and a way to increase the love and DECREASE the hate.
Things are certainly more challenging, when you feel MORE hatred than love.
But for now, take a moment to think about what your ‘Love-Hate Ratio’ is.
Is Hate a Sign of Love?
Hate is certainly a strong emotion.
But I would not say it’s a sign of love.
I know it’s a message that is circulated a lot.
That if you hate someone, surely it’s a sign that you deeply care about them?
But as mentioned, hate is a sign that something isn’t working for you in your relationship. And if that sign is ignored for too long, the feelings pile up and can result in some toxic relationship habits.
What Causes a Love-Hate Relationship?
So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?
Alright, let’s do this.
A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.
…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.
But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.
You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris‘)
It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.
And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:
None of us have gone through life unscarred.
Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.
When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.
And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.
Hate is is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.
How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship
In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.
It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.
But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.
Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗
And in turn was why we started this blog, because we saw how many people struggled with their own love-hate dynamic and weren’t sure how to start getting out of it.
If you’d like some extra help with this problem, you can check out our Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.
You’ll get four exciting challenges to put you back on the right track with more love and less of those pesky hateful feelings in your relationship.
The challenge will also help you gain more general awareness about what your relationship needs in order to grow into a nurturing and connected partnership and allow you to experience positive changes right away!
Click here to start your Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.
I know this can be a bit of a heavy topic, it’s certainly not an easy one. But maybe a couple of love songs can brighten the mood for you a little here…
Or if you’re really hardcore and want to dig deeper, we’ve also got a great related article that can help you stop fighting in your relationship.
If you’d like to share your relationship story with us or have any questions, leave them in the comments section and we’ll get back to you.
Until next time,
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is one of the most difficult and time consuming tasks. Yet, it’s a problem every couple has to learn to deal with sooner or later.
There are many ways in which trust can be broken.
Some are small and seemingly harmless, like e.g. forgetting about your partner’s birthday or anniversary. Others are much more serious, here I’m talking about things like lying or cheating.
In the course of my 9 year relationship with my partner, Gabriel, there were countless times when we’ve broken each other’s trust in both small, as well as big ways…
Even though neither of us ever cheated on the other, we’ve done other things that undermined our relationship and put everything into question.
That’s why, regardless of how serious of a problem you’re currently dealing with, I want to first reassure you that you can rebuild trust in your relationship!
It will take work and time to get there, but it is possible to undo do the damage and repair what’s been broken.
Before I get to how to do it exactly, I’m going to first outline the role trust plays in a relationship, why it’s so important and also why it’s so difficult to win it back.
Can a Relationship Work if There Is No Trust?
A relationship cannot work when there is no trust between partners, at least not in the long term.
Being able to trust your significant other is one of the most fundamental emotional needs everybody has.
It’s the very thing that gives us a feeling of safety and security, that we’re not alone and that there is somebody we can rely on.
Having this kind stability is one of the biggest perks of being in a long term relationship: it’s one of the main reasons why people choose to build their lives together with another person.
Without trust in a relationship, there is simply no room for any of these positive feelings. When you don’t trust your significant other you can’t rely on them for anything either.
It’s as though as you’re two strangers, exchanging favors while wearily awaiting being betrayed again.
No couple can function under those kinds of circumstances.
Lack of emotional security and stability makes it impossible for two people to really connect, open up and grow closer to each other.
Relationships simply stop working when there is no trust in them or when trust gets broken.
That’s why it’s so important to rebuild broken trust in a relationship as soon as possible.
What Causes Lack of Trust in a Relationship?
Sadly, there are a couple of things that cause lack of trust in a relationship. Some of them have to do with both yours and your significant other’s personal history, while others are directly related to the things you did or didn’t do in relation to each other. These are the four big culprits that cause lack of trust in a relationship:
You Haven’t Had to the Chance to Build Trust Yet
It takes time for two people to open up and gain each other’s trust in a new relationship. If you haven’t been dating for a very long time, chances are you don’t know each other that well yet. It’s hard to trust somebody you barely know.
People often expect that when they care about you, it automatically means that you trust them.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. Which brings me to my next point…
Misconceptions About How Trust Works Can Cause Lack of Trust in Relationships
A lot of people live with major misconceptions about how trust works in general.
There is this very common theme that repeats in many action movies in particular: when the main character is about to make someone do something seemingly crazy and reckless (like jumping off a cliff), they say to them “Just trust me!”.
People treat trust as though it was a CHOICE. As though you could just make up your mind and suddenly start trusting somebody.
Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that…
Trust is not a choice, it’s a FEELING.
It’s something you either feel, or you don’t. You can’t make yourself trust somebody and you can’t make somebody trust you.
Moreover, treating trust as though it was a choice can actually prevent you from ever building actual trust with your partner.
Trust Issues Due to Bad Experiences From the Past Can Cause Distrust in a Relationship
Life is messy. Nobody gets through it unscathed.
All the bad things that happen to us leave a mark and curb our ability to trust people.
Maybe you or your partner had a tough childhood or have been lied to or cheated on before.
Trust issues resulting from bad past experiences are a common cause for lack of trust in relationships.
Someone who has been hurt in the past might be EXTRA DISTRUSTFUL towards their present partner.
That’s why people with trust issues often need their significant other to make an EXTRA effort to gain their trust.
Trust Being Broken Causes Lack of Trust in Relationships
Finally, we’re going to get to the most severe but also extremely common cause for lack of trust in a relationship: when the trust gets broken.
When thinking of breach of trust in a romantic context most of us jump straight into things like lying, hiding things or cheating. These are the biggest and most serious examples of how partners can break each other’s trust.
However, there are also countless other, seemingly harmless ways in which we can hurt or disappoint our significant other. People often unknowingly make little mistakes that cause your partner to stop trusting you.
Even simple things like turning up late, forgetting about something that’s important to your significant other or going back on a promise, will gradually eat away at the sense of stability and security in your relationship.
These small trust breaches are something people tend to overlook but they really do add up!
That’s why, when working on rebuilding trust in a relationship, it’s important that you address both the BIG issues, as well as the SMALL ones.
I’ll get even more into detail on how this works in my next point…
How Do You Gain Trust Back in a Relationship?
Now that we’ve covered why trust matters so much in a relationship and what can diminish or destroy it, we can finally get to the main topic of this post: rebuilding trust.
When it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship the most fundamental thing to keep in mind is that trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
You can’t CONVINCE your partner to trust you again.
But there are a lot of other things you can do to bring back their sense of stability, safety and comfort in the relationship.
1. Make an Effort to Really Understand What Your Partner Is Upset About to Start Regaining Their Trust
Once you realize that something you’ve done really upset your partner, everybody’s first reaction is to start off by quickly saying ‘I’m sorry’.
Unfortunately, too quick of an apology often means very little and doesn’t really help with rebuilding trust.
To make matters worse, your partner might even perceive your apology as you being defensive and get even more riled up and upset because of it.
In order to avoid that, and in order to make your effort count for something, you have to first figure out what it is that you’re apologizing for exactly.
Most people aren’t cruel, they don’t hurt their’s significant other’s feelings on purpose. They do it because they don’t understand the emotional consequences of their actions.
That’s why rebuilding trust in a relationship needs to start with you making an effort to really get your partner’s side of things and understanding their pain.
You might need to work on improving communication in your relationship, to get this one right.
2. Openly Admit and Apologize for Breaking Their Trust
Once you feel like you truly get what your partner is upset about, the next step to regain their trust is to acknowledge their pain and to apologize for it.
Truly acknowledging that you did something wrong can be very hard. It’s something I used to struggle with a lot.
We all tend to get judged pretty harshly for making mistakes. This can make admitting fault extra difficult.
Unfortunately, fully admitting guilt and apologizing for your breach of trust is absolutely necessary for you to be able to gain it back.
3. Let Them Experience the Change in You
This is a very important next step that people often overlook. Once you really get what your partner was upset about and then you apologize for it, you likely expect that this should be enough for them to finally be able to forgive you and move on right?
Well, it’s not that simple.
They say actions speak louder than words. This is particularly true when it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship!
Regaining someone’s trust is not about saying the right words, it’s about showing them that they can really trust you with your actions.
Whatever it was that broke trust in your relationship, you have to help your partner SEE that it’s not going to happen again. You have to SHOW them that you mean what you say and that you are going to change your behavior.
4. Don’t Break Their Trust Again
This is the last and most important step in rebuilding trust with your partner.
Multiple breaches of trust are not uncommon in relationships…
However, every next incident will make it harder and harder for your partner to ever trust you again.
That’s why, in order to truly and permanently regain your significant other’s trust you have to make sure that whatever you did that broke it, never happens again.
How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship?
As you can see, rebuilding trust in a relationship is not an easy process. It’s not something that can happen from one day onto the next.
Since you can’t convince your partner to simply start trusting you again, what you need to do instead is to gradually win them over with your actions.
You need to show them that you really understand what about your behavior hurt them and that it’s not going to happen again.
This will require you to do things for them, to prove yourself to them and also to be ready to listen to them bringing up the past incident over and over again.
It will take time to do this.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship can be a bit of a tedious process. Generally speaking, the bigger the breach of trust, the longer it’s going to take to mend the damage.
Small things like forgetting someone’s birthday or arriving late can be fixed in days, maybe weeks.
But bigger issues like lying about finances, hiding things or cheating will most likely take months or even years for both of you to be able to fully move on.
Don’t let this make you feel hopeless about the state of your relationship.
Firstly, you don’t need to fully regain each other’s trust to be able to be happy together.
Every little effort counts and contributes significantly towards making things better.
There are things that happened in the first year of my relationship with Gabriel that we still bring up every now and then and we’re now in our 9th year together…
Even though these issues are still causing some mistrust between us, that doesn’t stop us from feeling close and letting our relationship grow.
When it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship, things don’t need to be perfect. Every little improvement counts and MASSIVELY contributes to making things better!
Why Is Rebuilding Trust So Hard?
Now that you know what it actually takes to rebuild trust, you are likely wondering:
‘Why is this so difficult? What makes rebuilding trust in a relationship so freaking hard?’
Unfortunately, it is always easier to destroy things than to rebuild them.
Accidentally dropping your phone and shattering the glass happens in a split second, but if you want to fix it, it’s going to require time, effort and money.
The same goes for trust.
A brief moment is enough to break it. But regaining it afterwards will require much more time and effort.
The main reason rebuilding trust in a relationship is so hard is that it’s vulnerable to trust someone.
It requires you to open yourself up to potentially getting hurt. It means lowering your emotional defences.
When your trust is broken, the first normal reaction is to shut down, put your walls back up and vow never to lower them again!
You breaking your partner’s trust not only hurts them, but also diminishes their ability to trust in general.
Everybody’s had their trust broken at some point in their lives.
That’s why you probably know yourself how hard it is to be vulnerable again after a breach of trust. It’s like risking the same horrible experience happening again.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is a big endeavor. It’s not a one time effort but more of a transformation in a relationship.
And a lot of things can add up to making that happen.
If you’re interested in finding out how Gabriel and I turned our relationship around, you can read our story here.
And in case you’re feeling like you could do with a little extra help, you can check out our online course: Rebuild Your Relationship. In here we teach you exactly what it takes to rebuild trust and restore a happy and loving relationship with your man.
We’ll give you the steps you need to take to rebuild trust with your partner, regardless of what broke it in the first place.
This new approach will not only help you rebuild trust with him faster, it will go far beyond that by creating a deeper bond and more fulfilling connection in your relationship.
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship
Also, if you have any questions or would like to share your story, don’t hesitate to leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you!
Photo by thiszun
Losing interest in your relationship is never pleasant, yet it’s something most couples go through at least once at some point in the course of being together.
There are a lot of misconceptions out there on how love works in the long term. We’ve all been taught to dream of finding the one and living happily ever after, but the reality of relationships is often much messier than that of rom coms and fairy tales.
All couples have their ups and down. They grow closer and then the spark starts fading and they start growing apart from each other.
Here are the common signs to help you determine whether you’re losing interest in your relationship followed by useful tips on what you can do to bring back the fun of being together with your partner.
1. You Don’t Enjoy the Alone Time Together Anymore
Every fresh couple can’t wait to finally get a chance to be alone together. This is where you get to experience deeper intimacy and closeness with your partner, emotionally as well as physically.
If you’re not interested in exploring those things with your significant other anymore, it’s a sign you’re gradually losing interest in them.
2. You Don’t Feel Like Making an Effort in Your Relationship
Making an effort to either impress your partner or make them feel good is a natural part of being in love. It’s something that should feel pleasant and give you a sense of satisfaction.
If you don’t care about making your partner happy anymore, or worse if it becomes more like a CHORE to you, it’s a definite sign that you’re losing interest in your relationship.
3. You Talk More With Other People Than You Do With Your S.O.
When two people are in love, they simply can’t stop talking to each other. There is always more to share, discuss or laugh about.
When you start losing interest in your relationship though, the ability to express yourself freely and openly communicate with your partner slowly begins to fade.
If you feel like you have much easier time talking to other people than to your significant other, that’s a sign something is wrong and you’re likely losing interest in your relationship.
There are however also ways in which you can improve communication in your relationship.
4. You’re Not Excited About Your Future Together
Healthy relationships are a journey of continuously growing closer and closer to one another. It’s an extremely exciting and fulfilling process. You’re always discovering new things and moving towards your next big goal together.
However, if the prospect of the future together with your partner seems dull or even frustrating to you, chances are, you’re losing interest in them.
5. You Feel Lonely When Your Around Your Partner
Feeling lonely when you’re all by yourself can be tough, but feeling alone while being around the person that is supposed to be the one closest to you, can be heartbreaking!
It’s also a sign that your relationship is not working for you and that you’re gradually losing interest in it.
6. Things You Once Valued About Your Relationship Become Annoying
You know these cute little habits you and your partner have, that were once adorable to you: like starting the day by hugging each other, or your partner’s passions or interests.
Maybe you were once able to listen to your S.O.’s ramble for hours on end and feel fascinated by everything they said. And now, every time they even open their mouths, you can already predict exactly what they’re going to say, so you just roll your eyes and cringe inwardly.
If things you once liked about your partner start to annoy you, that’s a definite sign you’re losing interest in your relationship.
7. You Start Flirting With Other People
When two people are in love with each other, the whole outside world tends to disappear. In the beginning, you’re just so preoccupied with your relationship, there is hardly any room for anything or anyone. But when something goes wrong and a relationship becomes disconnected, we tend to start to feel drawn to other people more than to our partner.
If you found yourself flirting with friends, coworkers or even complete strangers, this might be a warning sign that you’re losing interest in your relationship.
Can You Lose Interest in Your Relationship, but Still Love Your Partner?
After reading all these signs and finding that a few match the situation in your relationship, you might be feeling doubtful whether things can still change.
Discovering and facing problems is never easy. Even writing about these signs made me depressed, it made me remember all the moments in my relationship when I felt this way too…
But, just because you’re losing interest in your partner, doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her anymore. It is possible to lose interest in someone but still love them.
You can feel a deep warm attachment towards someone without necessarily feeling the spark and chemistry that was once there.
A lot of people believe that once you find the right person to be with, everything should just fall into place.
Unfortunately, love is not that simple.
This unpleasant stage of losing interest in your relationship is extremely common. Pretty much every couple goes through it at least once.
So just because you’re losing interest in your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong for each other or that your relationship is doomed to fail.
All these signs are just indicators of problems that you and your significant other are likely unaware of. This brings me to the next point…
The Most Common Reason for Loss of Interest in a Relationship
The most common reason why people lose interest in one another but can still love each other are: unresolved relationship problems.
Every relationship comes with a unique set of issues. When those issues aren’t being addressed, they tend to pile up and create sort of ‘an emotional wall’ that separates you from your partner.
You still love and care about each other, but there are just so many things that stand in the way and prevent you from feeling attracted to him/her.
These can be lots of little things, like holding a grudge about them always being late or not liking your favorite movie.
They can also be big unresolved problems like hiding things, lying or being emotionally unavailable etc.
Or maybe you feel disconnected due to having different approaches towards life, habits, interest, opinions etc.
When these kinds of issues go on unaddressed for a long period of time, they will make it impossible for you to feel close and intimate with your partner.
Because of this you will gradually lose interest in your relationship.
How to Regain Interest in Your Relationship
The ultimate trick to getting that spark and excitement back in your relationship is working on those unresolved relationship problems that caused you and your partner to grow apart in the first place.
Addressing all those issues is the ONLY way to remove the barriers that prevent you from feeling close and connected to one another.
My partner, Gabriel and I went through the very same journey.
Despite being absolutely crazy about each other in the beginning, we too grew apart and lost interest in our relationship. If you’re curious on how it was for us, you can read our story here.
And if you’re ready to jump in and start fixing things right away, I have some good news for you. We prepared a little email challenge to help people like you regain interest in your relationship.
Here you’ll receive four lessons complete with a fun little challenge each. These were designed specifically for women, to help them restore love and attraction with their partner.
You can click here to start our Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.
Also, if still you’re unsure whether your relationship is worth fighting for, you might want to check out 10 Undeniable Signs Your Relationship Is Really Over
And in case you need some further tips on how to regain interest in your relationship, be sure to read my partner’s, Gabriel’s post on How to Save a Dying Relationship
If you have any questions or need more specific advice and want to share your own story, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.
Photo by thiszun
Photo by RODNAE Productions
It’s normal for couples to fight every now and then. However, arguing on a daily basis is absolutely exhausting, and it’s not something anyone can endure over a long period of time.
When your boyfriend fights with you on every small issue, you need to do everything in your power to stop the cycle to prevent it from escalating and seriously damaging you or your relationship.
Dealing with someone who is constantly picking fights with you can be very tricky though.
On one hand, it’s likely extremely frustrating and maybe even infuriating, and on the other hand, it might also make you doubt yourself and feel like maybe you are doing something wrong the whole time.
When it comes to relationship arguments, most people have been conditioned to respond to them in a way that often only makes things worse.
However, just by slightly changing your attitude, you can immediately deescalate the situation and deflect your boyfriend’s attacks.
Here is how to do it:
1. Make It About Him Not About You
If your boyfriend is acting overly defensive or even controlling about your behavior, chances are this has little or nothing to do with you.
Everyone brings their own, unique emotional baggage into a romantic relationship. This baggage is often the source of friction between a couple. It can make people act in unreasonable ways and cause huge arguments to erupt seemingly out of nowhere.
If your boyfriend keeps on picking fights with you about every little thing you do, try not to take it personally and get to the bottom of what he is actually upset about instead.
Stop yourself from responding to his accusations. He is likely just being a bit of a drama king…
The best way to get him to calm down and quit his little tantrum is by making an effort to listen to him and understand him.
Why is he acting the way he is? What is he hoping to achieve? What is he worried about?
In my experience reflective listening will work best for you!
Asking him questions and reflecting his answers back to him will immediately remove the friction, cut the argument short and can even prevent it from happening in the future.
2. Set Firm Boundaries with Him to Stop Him From Picking Fights
Everybody has their limits. No one can be infinitely caring, understanding, patient or attentive. If you feel like your boyfriend has been expecting the impossible from you, then it’s definitely time to start setting boundaries with him.
You have to communicate to him that it’s not ok for him to continuously fight with you on every small issue.
He can’t expect you to do everything exactly the way he wants things done.
That’s just UNREALISTIC.
Let him know that you have reached your limit and won’t tolerate or engage his behavior anymore.
Don’t let him provoke or overrun you. Be firm, calm, and assertive.
Setting boundaries is a skill everybody needs in a relationship. They’re a healthy protective measure that can allow you to regain power and control over any situation.
3. Demand Space From Him When You Feel Too Exhausted or Overrun by Him
Asking for space is generally a move men tend to pull a lot. Whenever they’re grumpy, depressed or just tired they often ask for ‘some space’ so that they don’t have to deal with all the unpleasant things right away.
Well… women deserve to have the SAME privileges in a relationship!
Whenever you feel like you just can’t deal with your boyfriend anymore. That him fighting with you is just too much and you can’t take any more of it, tell him that you need a time out.
Be firm and decisive. Don’t let him drag you back into an argument.
You deserve to have a break.
Besides, taking breaks during an argument is actually healthy and can be extremely beneficial when it comes to finding resolution.
People tend to get lost in their emotions. When two people get emotional, things just tend to escalate.
Just spending some time apart is often enough to gain a new and more accurate perspective on the matters. It can help both of you to snap out of your patterns and see your fight with a clearer head.
Additionally, asking your boyfriend for space is a power move.
By doing it you’re communicating to him that you’re in charge of the situation just as much as he is. It can actually make him respect and trust you more.
Once you feel like you both cooled off, get back to him and let him know that you’re now ready to start resolving the problem again.
4. Combine All Three of These Techniques to Get Him to Completely Stop His Attacks
When your boyfriend fights with you on every small issue it’s a sign that he is actually very scared of you having your own independence.
By listening to him you can help him overcome his doubts and fears, so that he won’t need to control you as much. In most cases, just listening and being understanding is not enough to deal with a situation like this.
That’s where setting boundaries and demanding space come into play.
You’ll need to apply all three of these strategies to teach your boyfriend that it’s NOT necessary and NOT ok to fight with you on every small issue.
If you’d like to learn more about all three of these techniques, it’s something we cover in detail in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here you’ll learn what to say to him and how to say it, to stop him from constantly fighting you. We’ll also guide you step by step on how you can influence his behavior so that you get him to support you and love you the way you need instead!
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
If you have any questions about the approaches described in this post, or about our online course, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you!
Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I would know.
Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.
The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.
From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.
And I managed to do it, three times.
It’s now been over 7 years since our last breakup and we’ve been happily together ever since.
Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.
There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.
But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.
In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make my ex want me back so that you too can get your man to miss you and chase you again.
1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again
Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.
When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I started wondering about things like:
‘Was it my fault?!’
‘Am I not good enough?!’
‘Did I do something wrong?’
The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting your ex to want to come back to you.
They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.
That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.
There are many ways to go about this.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.
The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.
Once you feel more like your old self, you can then proceed to step two:
2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation
Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.
The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.
While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.
Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.
When Gabriel broke up with me I was as desperate as it gets.
Desperate to get back together…
Desperate to feel like he loves me again…
Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…
Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions.
Luckily, I didn’t let that happen…
The biggest problem with acting desperate is that it will make your ex feel like he has got full control over you.
He won’t need to worry about losing you.
He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.
Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.
There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:
By taking charge of the situation.
Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead.
There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen yourself.
3. Realize That He Still Wants You
This is something that the old me would have really needed to hear back in the day when Gabriel and I were broken up…
“The thing about attraction in relationships is that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.”
The fact that your ex WAS into you, means that he most likely still IS into you.
That’s because, firstly, chemistry is not really something we have control over. It’s either there between two people, or it’s not.
Secondly, people get ATTACHED to their partners.
They do, no matter whether they deny it or not. It’s just human nature to get attached to other people…
Gabriel was the kind of guy to really play down his feelings and attachment towards me.
He pretended that the breakups didn’t affect him much.
And that he didn’t care whether we were together or not.
But you know what, it was just an ACT that was supposed to keep me hooked and make me endlessly chase after him.
This is something he actually now (not proudly) confirms.
So even if your ex is acting all cold and distant, don’t get fooled by that.
It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that he can stay in control of you and the relationship.
Everybody gets attached.
People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…
So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.
Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.
You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you gotta do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.
This brings me to the last step of your journey…
4. Remove the Barriers to Get Him to Chase You Again
In reality, getting your ex to want you back is much simpler than we’re lead to believe.
Chances are that in this very moment he is secretly pining after you and longing to feel close to you again.
…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?
That’s a very good question.
Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting him to want you back.
You see, people always break up for a reason.
So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you.
Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.
There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.
Some of them were purely his issues. Others, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).
The secret in making him want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him again (because he feels attracted to you already!).
It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing him from wanting to be together with you.
Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together but also to NEVER break up ever again!
If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that he wants you back, you might want to check out our online course Rebuild your Relationship.
In it, we’ll teach you how you can influence your man so that he goes from being hesitant and distant to dying to please you and chasing you around for love and attention.
You’ll learn a foolproof step by step technique to get everything you ever wanted from him and more…
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
In case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your man back permanently, check out our article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!
If you have any questions or would like some more specific advice, let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you!
When your husband keeps conveying that he doesn’t want you sexually it can really sting.
If it’s been happening over a longer period, it might even lead to you doubting yourself and wondering WHY he’s no longer attracted to you and doesn’t want you.
And since sex is a way of intimately connecting with your partner in a marriage or any romantic relationship for that matter…
…the absence of it can make you feel alone.
In short, it can be a really disheartening situation that leads to you feeling increasingly DISCONNECTED from your man.
So let’s talk about what we can do to CHANGE your situation!
Remove Any Self Blame and Guilt That You Feel
The step I recommend first, is to reduce the critical voices in your head.
Unfortunately when things don’t go our way in relationships, our first instinct is often to simply blame ourselves:
- “Clearly I’m just flawed.”
- “Of course nobody wants me, I’m inherently broken.”
- “No wonder he doesn’t feel attracted to me.”
But these kinds of voices are unhelpful and also utterly inaccurate!
Things are NEVER that simple.
Sure your actions affect your relationship, but to say it’s all on you and that your husband not wanting you sexually is somehow ALL your fault is just total nonsense.
So the first step in changing your situation is to understand that your man has reasons of his own for not wanting sex that exist separately from you!
It’s best to try and think of it this way because you’ll feel better and it’ll put you in a good position to actually create the change you want.
So try not to get caught up in doubt and uncertainty which only fuel the problem.
The Real Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
Before we talk about what to do about the problem, it’s helpful to first explore the likely reasons why he doesn’t desire you sexually:
1. There Are External Factors Affecting Your Relationship
Karolina and I have faced many hardships that put our relationship to the test and many of them were caused by EXTERNAL factors.
Sometimes it was the stress at our jobs, other times holiday events or even our own families.
Nobody is immune to these things and that includes your husband and your relationship…
Too many stressful external factors can kill your mans sex drive.
2. He’s Intimidated by You and Is Afraid of Intimacy
I can confirm that men feel an incredible pressure to have it all ‘figured out’ in the bedroom.
So much so, it MOSTLY backfires.
Your husband might get so caught up in wanting to prove his sexual prowess that to him it’s either total control in bed or no sex at all!
This means he’s easily intimidated by you and will not risk showing you anything that is potentially VULNERABLE.
So to be on the safe side, he withdraws and doesn’t want you sexually.
3. The Attraction in Your Relationship Has Faded
If you are months or years into your marriage, you may have noticed the chemistry with your husband fading…
This is very common and true of long-term relationships in general.
It’s not something that happens from one day onto the next. It generally creeps up on you so slowly, you don’t see it at first.
Then one day you realize that the attraction in your relationship is just not what it used to be.
This is often a big contributor to his reduced desire for sexual intimacy.
4. He Has Secret Fantasies He Doesn’t Know How to Share
All men have secret fantasies that they don’t share with their wives.
They’re often ashamed of them and don’t dare talk about them.
Whatever your man’s kinks may be, if he doesn’t dare express and experience them with you, it can make him reluctant and result in him not wanting you sexually.
5. He Might Be Having an Affair
I know this is a tough one to talk about, but I can’t spare you from it, since it is sometimes an unfortunate reality of relationships.
When a man becomes sexually reclusive and disinterested, it MIGHT be an indicator that he’s channeling his drives elsewhere.
This is certainly the most painful potential reason he doesn’t want you sexually, but it too, can be addressed.
I’ve known men who cheated and can assure you, this behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere, it stems from serious underlying issues of his own.
What to Do to Get Through to Your Husband Sexually
So now that you’ve got a better understanding about the possible reasons he’s no longer craving you sexually…
Let’s talk about what you can do about it!
1. Don’t Chase Him For Sex
Chasing your husband for sex is likely going to make him even more resistant to it.
The reason is simple: Whatever is keeping him from wanting to be sexual will not go away until it is figured out.
What’s more, if you’re making a lot of effort to seduce him and he still keeps rejecting you, it can further hurt your self esteem.
So DON’T let him do that to you.
2. You Definitely Need to Talk About It
This is the best and safest way to get through to him.
Talking about sex with your husband is something you’ve either done before, or maybe it’s totally new territory for you.
Either way, communicating how you feel about the current situation of your sex life is the crucial first-step to resolving it.
You can tell him how him not wanting you sexually is making you feel.
At the same time, do what you can to uncover where HIS RELUCTANCE stems from.
3. Do Not Make the Mistake of Believing It’s About Technique
I can’t tell you how many women Karolina and I have spoken to who’ve fallen into the trap of believing they need to master ‘That secret sexual technique’ to seduce and secure their man.
Yes, technique and skill will arouse men.
But if it’s his sexual desire and loyalty you’re after, then you need to toss all of that out the window for now and be able to actually CONNECT with him.
Because the best way to truly conquer a man’s heart is… yup, through his HEART!
4. Get Through to Him Emotionally to Get Through to Him Sexually
So the real reason your husband is closed off towards you sexually is a matter of the heart – not the dick.
Although the latter might seem like the obvious thing to address to fix the sex problem, it is unfortunately unlikely to work.
Because what truly CONTROLS HIS DESIRES is his HEART.
And if you conquer his heart, you’ve conquered his body.
If you to think about the best sex you ever had with your husband for a moment…
No matter what it might have looked like on the outside (slow and sensual or wild and passionate). I bet the BEST sex you ever had with him was when you felt the most CONNECTED to him and his heart.
That’s what makes intimacy in relationships special, it’s when we feel close and safe…
If you feel like you could do with a little help with getting through to your husband and deeply connecting with him again, have a look at our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it you’ll learn all the real reasons why men withdraw and isolate themselves and also the step by step guides needed for you to tear down his seemingly impenetrable brick wall and finally reignite the spark between the two of you.
So that he’ll finally desperately crave to connect with you sexually again.
You can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
If I’ve missed something and you still have any questions, drop them down in the comments section and I’ll get back to you!
I’ll see you next time.