If you have ever been caught in the anxious avoidant cycle, you know how draining it can be. One partner is chasing closeness, while the other pulls away. Both feel misunderstood, and the relationship turns into a rollercoaster.
That was exactly the pattern between me and my husband, Gabriel, in the early years of our relationship.
Our Anxious Avoidant Story
When Gabriel and I first met in 2012, things moved fast. He was attentive and caring, even planning surprise trips. But a few months in, our anxious avoidant dynamic appeared. I craved more closeness, while he needed more independence. I wanted commitment, he was not sure.
Six months later, I took him to a wedding to meet my whole family, and that is where we had our first breakup. That moment kicked off a painful cycle of breakups and makeups. Each time, things got harder for me as my anxiety grew and his avoidance deepened.
The Breaking Point
After our third breakup, I hit my limit. I realized I could not keep fixing the relationship by myself. I wanted a stable, dependable partner, and if Gabriel could not give me that, I had to accept it.
That decision, to stop doing all the emotional heavy lifting, was the first breakthrough. Instead of hiding my feelings or trying to manage the relationship, I got honest about where I was.
Ironically, this shift is what pulled Gabriel closer. He saw I was not playing the same role anymore. I was not cushioning him from my pain or making excuses. If he wanted to stay in my life, he had to step up.
The Power of Letting Go
When I let go of carrying the relationship alone, Gabriel began to take more responsibility. He started making more effort, rebuilding trust, and rebuilding our friendship.
It was not immediate. We both dated other people in that time, and it showed us how rare our emotional connection was. Our chemistry, our shared values, and our laughter were not easy to replace.
This was the first big change that helped break us out of the anxious avoidant trap.
Breakthrough 2: Communication
The second change was communication, real two-way communication.
Gabriel had often said that I was not listening to him. Eventually, I understood what he meant. I began listening in the way he needed, and it made a huge difference. A week later, we had the same kind of argument, only this time it was reversed. Gabriel learned how to make me feel heard.
That was the second breakthrough, learning to listen, to speak up, and to make each other feel understood.
Why Avoidants Pull Away
Avoidants do not pull away because they do not care. They withdraw when the emotional connection feels broken. During the honeymoon phase, things feel effortless because both partners are open and vulnerable. Over time, routines form, expectations pile up, and real communication drops. That is when avoidants start to distance themselves.
What keeps them close is not endless patience or giving unlimited space. It is maintaining the emotional bond.
What Finally Made Him Commit
Here is a quick summary for you guys. The two changes we made that helped us escape the anxious-avoidant trap were:
- I stopped trying to fix everything by myself, which forced Gabriel to step up
- We rebuilt our bond through honest, two-way communication.
This combination strengthened our friendship, deepened our love, and intensified our chemistry. We are not perfect, and we still have conflicts, but now we handle them in a way that does not damage our connection. We have not broken up since 2013.
Key Takeaway
If you are wondering how to make your avoidant partner commit, it is not about chasing harder, giving unlimited space, or putting your needs aside. It is about creating a genuine emotional bond where both people share the work.
Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your partner. Do not try to fix everything alone. Connection and communication are what keep avoidants invested.
Want to Go Deeper?
Changing your dynamic with an avoidant partner is a gradual process, and you do not have to do it all alone.
That is why we created our program, Attach an Avoidant.
It walks you through the stages of an avoidant relationship, the common pitfalls, and how to communicate in a way that creates closeness without chasing.
Learn more about Attach an Avoidant here.
This was quite a personal story, and I hope you find it helpful. Thanks for reading, and see you in the next one!
Karolina
- How I Finally Got My Avoidant Partner To Trust Me - 13. September, 2025
- I Was Dating an Avoidant. Here’s What Made Him Stop Pulling Away - 16. August, 2025
- Why Do We Get Anxious in Relationships—And How to Stop It - 4. August, 2025
