Let’s be real: dating someone with a dismissive avoidant attachment style can feel like emotional whiplash. One moment they’re warm and charming, the next they’re pulling away, going silent, or even breaking up with you—again. Constant rejection (and the anxiety that comes with it) is one of the hardest parts of being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant.
And the worst part?
This pattern doesn’t just hurt. It chips away at your confidence, your self-worth, and your sense of safety in love. Over time, it turns into a vicious cycle: the more they pull away, the more anxious and needy you get, which only makes them pull away more.
So how do you break that cycle? How do you get a dismissive avoidant to stop rejecting you?
You do it by fixing the one thing you do have control over: your self-esteem.
It’s Not Set in Stone—It’s a Dynamic
Here’s something most people don’t realize: the anxious-avoidant trap isn’t built into who you are. It’s a dynamic, a pattern that develops between two people over time.
Yes, attachment styles are shaped by childhood experiences, but that doesn’t mean people stay locked into one role forever. We’ve seen countless people, even ourselves, show up as avoidant in one relationship, then anxious in another. These patterns evolve depending on the emotional dance between you and your partner.
And often, the avoidant one is simply the person who, in that moment, feels more in control. The one who’s more confident, more emotionally detached, or less afraid of loss.
Meanwhile, the person with lower self-worth, who’s more sensitive to rejection, slides into the anxious role. If that’s been you, here’s the truth:
Avoidants reject you because they can.
They act cold or distant because they’ve learned there are no real consequences. They break up with you because they know they can come back whenever they feel like it, and you’ll still be there. That’s not love. That’s an emotional power play.
The Cycle Is Toxic, Especially for You
If this sounds toxic… it’s because it is. Especially for the anxious partner. You might’ve started the relationship feeling confident, fun, and relaxed. But over time, that person slowly disappeared. Now you’re stressed, overanalyzing every text, walking on eggshells, and doubting your worth.
And yes, your avoidant partner contributed to that. But the hard truth? You let it go on for too long.
The first step in changing the dynamic is telling yourself, Enough is enough.
You deserve more than hot-and-cold affection, emotional unavailability, and inconsistent love.
My Story: From Rejected to Respected
I’ve been there. My now-husband used to be a classic dismissive avoidant. He was vague about commitment, constantly breaking up with me, and dismissing my needs. I felt like I had to tiptoe around him, never too emotional, never too needy, just quiet enough to keep him from pulling away.
After the third breakup, I hit a wall. I realized that this relationship, or at least this version of it, was eating me alive. I told myself: Third time’s the charm. No more breakups. I’m done walking on eggshells. And for the first time, I started focusing on healing myself, not fixing us.
Strengthen Your Emotional Boundaries
The truth is, avoidants don’t pull away because you said the wrong thing or sent the wrong emoji. (Though yes, they really can deactivate over something that small, if you want to know more, check out 3 Strategies for When an Avoidant Partner Pulls Away)
They pull away because their attachment system is wired to fear intimacy. They’re overly sensitive, emotionally immature, and often terrified of losing control. So what do they do? They push you away first.
Here’s what you need to remember: you’re not the broken one.
Avoidants seem secure, but they’re just as afraid of rejection as you are. They just learned to hide it by pretending they don’t care. They play power games. They keep you off balance. Because that’s how they feel in control.
Flip the Dynamic, Don’t Feed It
Here’s the good news: once you stop playing the game, the game stops working.
Start showing up differently. Stop chasing. Stop explaining yourself. Stop accepting breadcrumbs and calling it connection. The more you embrace your own value, the more your avoidant partner will be forced to see you differently.
Will they push back at first? Of course, they benefit from your insecurity. But don’t let them pull you back down.
If you want them to stop rejecting you, you need to become the version of yourself that doesn’t accept rejection. You stop asking for validation and start giving it to yourself.
You Deserve So Much More
Avoidants treat you like this because somewhere along the line, both of you settled into that pattern. They took you for granted. You let them. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. You’re not too emotional, too sensitive, or too much. You’re just right!
You are worthy of love, support, care, and commitment.
You bring value to any relationship, and the right partner will never make you question that.
Ready to Take Your Power Back?
If you’re ready to flip the dynamic with your avoidant partner, we’ve created a step-by-step program that walks you through how to do exactly that. It’s called Attach An Avoidant, and it’s designed to help you stop chasing, stop overthinking, and start getting the love you deserve.
Inside the program, you’ll learn:
- How to break the anxious-avoidant cycle and shift the power
- What to say (and what not to say) when they pull away
- How to rebuild your self-esteem and emotional boundaries
- How to inspire more closeness, commitment, and effort—without begging for it
- And how to finally stop feeling rejected, confused, and stuck
This isn’t about manipulating your partner, it’s about transforming you. Because when you become the secure one in the relationship, everything changes. Including them.
Check out Attach An Avoidant here.
Thank you for reading, feel free to leave me a comment if you have any questions!
Karolina
- How to Get a Dismissive Avoidant to Stop Rejecting You - 5. July, 2025
- Why Avoidants Don’t Worry About Losing You – And How That’s a Huge Mistake - 12. June, 2025
- 3 Strategies for When an Avoidant Partner Pulls Away - 12. June, 2025
