If you’re in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably experienced that confusing, frustrating moment when they suddenly go cold. One day you’re cuddling on the couch, the next they’re ghosting you with a casual “I just need some space.”
It’s not personal. It’s not logical. And it’s not your fault.
But it is a predictable part of being with an avoidant, and there are things you can do to navigate this tricky terrain without pushing them further away. Let’s break it all down.
What Is Avoidant Deactivation?
This hot-cold, come-here-go-away pattern has a name: avoidant deactivation.
Think of it like an allergic reaction, except instead of pollen or peanuts, avoidants react to closeness, love, and intimacy. One moment they’re fine, the next moment your heartfelt “I miss you” triggers their allergic reaction to love.
They withdraw. They get distant. They suddenly take forever to text back.
But here’s what you need to know: it’s not you.
Just like a cat or pollen isn’t to blame for triggering someone’s allergy, you’re not to blame for triggering your avoidant’s deactivation. It can be caused by something as innocent as a smiley emoji. Yes, seriously.
What NOT to Do When an Avoidant Pulls Away
Let’s talk about what not to do, because this part is crucial.
If they’re having an allergic reaction to love, the worst thing you can do is try to smother them with more of it. That means:
- No long emotional texts
- No “we need to talk”
- No asking for reassurance
- No surprise visits or gifts
During deactivation, your avoidant partner isn’t in a space to connect. Your job isn’t to fix them, it’s to give them breathing room without spiraling.
So what can you do instead? I’m glad you asked.
Strategy 1: Make Other Plans
When your avoidant partner pulls away get busy. No sulking. No sitting by the phone.
Make plans with your friends. Go out. Do something fun without them.
Here’s why this works: avoidants think of rejection as “not now, but maybe later.” So when you casually make other plans instead of begging to see them, they start to feel curious again.
And when they text you last minute, “Hey, do you still want to hang out?”you get to reply with:
“Oh, I’m already out. I made other plans.”
This kind of low-stakes rejection? It’s magic. It shakes them out of deactivation faster than an EpiPen. And if they follow up with:
“Wanna swing by after?”
Feel free to double-dip the magic with a second dose of their own medicine:
“Honestly, I’m too tired tonight.”
You’re not punishing them, you’re showing them that your world doesn’t revolve around their whims. And that’s how you gain their respect.
Strategy 2: Worm Your Way In with Kindness
Okay, this one’s a little sneakier.
If you know your avoidant partner is stressed, sad, or overwhelmed (and they’re not just being flaky), a little casual kindness can go a long way.
But, and this is a big but, you must approach it from a friendly place. Not romantic. Not needy. Think: “Hey, I’m grabbing pizza. Want me to drop one off?” not “I miss you so much, please let me in.”
I used to do this with Gabriel (my formerly dismissive-avoidant husband). If I sensed he was in a slump, I’d show up with his favorite food. Not to talk. Not to process emotions. Just to be there as a friend.
And guess what? His guard would drop. We’d hang out. And connection would return.
Pro tip: Don’t overdo it. Too much kindness = friend zone + taken for granted. Keep it light. Keep it rare.
Strategy 3: Set Boundaries and Pull Back
If none of the above works, or if your avoidant partner keeps pulling away without stepping back in, it’s time to play your ace: boundaries.
Avoidants test limits. If they realize you’ll keep showing up, keep doing the emotional heavy lifting, and never call them out… they’ll keep coasting.
But here’s the trick: you don’t call them out with ultimatums or dramatic monologues. You don’t say:
“I demand more from you!”
Instead, you say:
“This isn’t working for me.”
“I deserve better than being ignored.”
“I won’t be reaching out again.”
That’s how you shake them. That’s how you wake them up.
Yes, it’s scary. Especially if you have anxious tendencies. But standing your ground is how you get your avoidant to respect you, and potentially fight to keep you.
Because here’s the truth: if you want your avoidant to worry about losing you, you have to be willing to risk losing them.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with avoidant deactivation can feel like emotional whiplash. One minute you’re close, the next minute you’re being iced out. But remember:
- Their reaction isn’t about you
- You can’t fix them by loving harder
- Rejection (in small doses) is actually healing for avoidants
- Boundaries are your best friend
If you’re done feeling stuck, walking on eggshells, or being left in the emotional waiting room, it’s time to change the script.
We go deeper into all of this in our Attach an Avoidant program
Here, we show you exactly how to navigate the ups and downs of dating someone with avoidant attachment, and help them come toward you instead of pushing you away.
Not every avoidant is worth the effort, but some are. And they need your help to break their own patterns.
Remember: just because someone’s allergic to love doesn’t mean they don’t need it. You’ve just got to learn how to dose it right. 🧠❤️
Karolina
- Are You the “Helper Type”? That’s Why Avoidants Dismiss You So Easily - 6. October, 2025
- How I Finally Got My Avoidant Partner To Trust Me - 13. September, 2025
- I Was Dating an Avoidant. Here’s What Made Him Stop Pulling Away - 16. August, 2025
