So you were with a guy and unfortunately, things didn’t work out the way you hoped…
Hurtful things were said and done, one thing escalated into the other and one or both of you decided it was finally time to break up…
But days, months or even years passed and you feel that the connection you had with him was really intimate and special to you and that it’s not something you want to give up on just yet.
You’ve decided you want to get your ex back.
And that’s exactly what we’re going to help you do here.
I’m going to show you how you can finally get your ex back and do so in a way that guarantees he will stay so that you feel stable with him and NEVER have to fear losing him again!
And this approach is foolproof and will work via texting or in person and also whether you’ve been out of touch for months or if the breakup only happened yesterday.
Let’s dive in.
1. Scope Out Your Ex’s Situation and Feelings
When my girlfriend Karolina (who runs this blog with me today) and I first broke up, it was heartbreaking for both of us.
But I was -regretfully- the one who instigated it.
And I want to tell you right away, that men can be very tricky to handle when you want to get back together with them.
We can be extremely sensitive drama queens! -or should I say, drama kings?-
Your ex-boyfriend might be playing cool, distant and uncaring as to whether or not you get back together…
…but DON’T FALL for it!
Because men are only PRETENDING to have zero emotional stakes in the game when in reality they have as much skin in it as you do.
And they’re also easily frightened off!
So it’s important to take the right approach to avoid potentially screwing up your chances.
I hate to say it, but you may need to handle your ex with kid gloves at times and be very careful and tactful!
Like I said, drama kings.
This is why I don’t recommend diving right in and trying to get back together with him.
Ideally, you’ll first carefully scope out his situation:
Is he still clearly into you?
Does he let it show?
Do you know or suspect he’s dating other women?
Are there other things that might be getting in the way of getting him back?
Doing your crafty research first will ensure you get a full picture of what’s up on his end and how he feels about you.
And this will set you up in maximizing your chances of getting your ex back!
2. Get His Side So That He Craves You Again
There was obviously a reason for the two of you to have initially broken up.
Whether it was due to constant fights and hurt, cheating or you both simply wanted different things from your relationship…
Whatever your reasons may have been and whoever’s fault it was, something between you broke enough for it to have led to you separating.
Now in order for you to get him back, that broken thing needs to be addressed.
I’m not saying fixed but addressed to at least SOME degree.
The reason to do this is to gain his interest and trust again.
Because when you get his side of the story, you are reestablishing your shared connection with him. (again, regardless of who’s fault the breakup really was)
And that’s a very POWERFUL thing!
You see, you are taking down the wall that caused him to go from “your partner”, to “your ex”.
You’re making him FEEL things towards you again.
And by that, he’s reminded of all the good things about you that he’s missing out on.
This is the FASTEST way back to a man’s heart. Despite what you might have heard about it being between his legs.
What sparked my interest in getting back with Karolina after our breakup was NOT the sex.
Sure, sex is a part of it.
But it really was because she understood me and got my side in a way no other woman did.
This made me trust her and I instantly wanted to get back with her again!
So use your shared experiences and history to your advantage.
3. Send Your Ex Sexy Signals So He Doesn’t Miss Your Intentions
You don’t need to say anything outright to him about wanting to get back together yet.
But men can be ridiculously oblivious to women being interested in them.
Yes, even when it’s their own ex!
So don’t make the mistake of going all cold and distant on his ass. (This can push him even further away from you!)
Instead, let him know what’s up.
That you would like to meet for a coffee and talk a little or that you miss him and the way his voice sounds.
Don’t go overboard, but do signal your interest and feel free to flirt!
It’s an exciting time after all and I can assure you, that the anticipation of potential hot-get-back-together-sex is mutual!
4. Secure Your Relationship With Him For Good
A lot of what we’ve covered so far, are things you might do over your phone.
But once you’re actually meeting face to face, it’s a different game.
Things are suddenly more real.
You’ll have a lot of feelings, as will your ex. (Especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while)
The air might feel electrified and even brushing elbows will send a tingle down your spine.
It’s almost like you’re dating all over again…
Now, rediscovering the spark with your ex and getting back together is great, but it’s only the first step.
If you’re serious about things working out this time and actually KEEPING him and ensuring your special connection it’s best to firmly secure your ties with him NOW.
(and I’m not talking about getting engaged here.)
I mean something far more potent: securing a deep unbreakable bond with your man.
Karolina and I made the mistake of not doing so and it resulted in multiple horrible breakups.
We just didn’t know how to prevent the pattern of going from feeling super close and intimate to being so tired of each other that we broke up!
But through a lot of trial and error, we figured out what was causing the constant fights and breakups and finally DID put a stop to it.
If you’re interested in learning how to get him back and permanently secure your relationship, then you might find the Coaching Calls we offer helpful.
Here we’ll support you in figuring out how to talk to him after a breakup so that he is drawn back to you again and what you need to do to finally stop the pattern of heartbreaking distance. You’ll also learn what common mistakes to avoid (like doing no-contact) when trying to get your ex back and what strategies to apply instead.
If your man is making it clear that he’s not worried about losing you, chances are it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter much to him…
Maybe you even feel unimportant to him and taken for granted.
He might treat you as though whether or not you are there, it wouldn’t even make a difference to him. Or worse he TELLS you that he doesn’t care!
And of course that hurts…
It’ll leave you angry and sad because even the strongest girlfriends eventually can’t take it anymore and just want to give up.
I know this because Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) had the same complaint about me in OUR relationship.
But we DID eventually manage to solve this tricky problem.
And yours can be fixed too!
I’m going to tell you what you need to do to turn things around and get him to treat you like you DO MATTER and ARE important!
Let’s talk about how to make your man worry about losing you.
1. Don’t Hope That He Will Change and Finally Start Appreciating You
Karolina was incredibly patient with me in our relationship, one might even say too patient at times…
And we’ve observed the same tendency with other couples.
It’s as though there is an unspoken rule for women: that they are expected to be endlessly giving and patient.
And that by trying to live up to an impossible angel-like standard they will somehow magically inspire the change they desire in their men, so that he’ll finally care about you.
Now let’s look at the reality of trying this approach:
He’ll take you for granted even more (if that’s at all possible!)
It’ll be like he’s walking all over you
You’ll feel worse and worse..
And he’ll worry EVEN less about losing you!
This approach does not work, because you would be giving him even more room to continue his behavior.
It’s almost like saying:
“Hey honey, it seems as though you don’t worry about losing me… here let me help you worry EVEN LESS!”
So if you find yourself in this kind of pattern of waiting and hoping for him to change by being the ‘perfect angel’, it’s important to take charge instead.
Because this problem will not resolve itself.
Taking charge of your relationship is the only thing that will truly result in your man’s behavior changing.
And it’s the experience Karolina had with me as well!
It’s only when she stopped waiting or being patient and took charge, that she started getting the appreciation and attention she wanted!
2. Stop Coming His Way the Whole Time, Match His Efforts Instead
Do you ever have the feeling you’re accommodating men? Like even your boyfriend or husband?
Maybe when he’s saying something that may be of very little interest to you, you still find yourself politely nodding, smiling and feigning interest?
If so, let me tell you this is something us men are unfortunately very used to and BLIND to as well!
We like to think our partner is truly interested and blown away by whatever it is we’re currently flexing about.
But when it’s your turn to be heard, he might cut you off mid sentence.
Or maybe he ignores the fact that you just said something to begin with!
This behavior is unfortunately common…
I don’t know where us men get our sense of entitlement from, but it definitely has a negative impact on our relationship!
So instead of coming his way the whole time, MATCH his efforts instead.
Give only as much as he’s giving you.
Whether that’s in conversation, texting, in bed, chores or any other area of life.
Match however much effort he is putting in and DON’T put in more than that!
This will shake things up for him, he’ll realize that you can CHOOSE how much of your time and attention you give him.
That it’s not guaranteed and that he has to earn it!
[A word of caution: Be careful not to fall into the other extreme of distancing yourself and not giving anything at all! Because this will signal that you are no longer interested in him and can even reinforce his lack of worry about losing you!]
3. Get Busy Pursuing Your Own Interests
There is nothing more vexing and simultaneous attractive to us men than a woman doing her own thing.
You see, we’re selfish.
We like to be the most important thing in our girlfriend’s life.
King of the castle, master of the universe and any other cliche you can think of!
And when we’re not the center of everything –a primitive caveman ALARM BELL goes off.. :
“Why is this other thing of more interest to her now? How dare she prioritize getting her nails done over dinning with me?! What is this rebellion? It seems I must pursue and court her again!”
You know, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast -only without the whole captivity and talking furniture thing.
I’m exaggerating a little here because I want to get this POINT across.
There is something very frustrating yet stimulating to a man when his partner goes off doing her own thing!
Karolina would be at social events, hanging out with friends or even taking on drawing classes at some point.
And I couldn’t have her out there having all the fun to herself! And besides what if she meets an interesting guy??…
You get the idea.
So pursuing your own interests will keep your man on his toes and more interested in you again!
4. Restructuring Your Relationship Will Make Him Worry About Losing You
Lastly it’s important to address the elephant in the room here…
If you are in this situation where your man is neglecting you and isn’t worried about losing you…
…Then there’s MORE to it than meets the eye.
This kind of unfair treatment doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It stems from issues in a relationship that lie beneath the surface.
These are problems that are often old and buried because they’re just too scary to face!
And they develop very slowly over the course of months or years so they’re also very difficult to pick up on…
But at some point the pain is too big to continue ignoring and you wake up and realize:“Hey, he’s not even worried about losing me anymore! He takes me for granted!”What’s needed at this point is to restructure your relationship to make him actually wake up and be afraid of losing you.
Since Karolina and I both KNOW these struggles and learned how to overcome them, it became important to us to share our experience and help other women overcome them too.
So If you’re feeling unappreciated and unimportant and could do with some help fixing it, be sure to check out our course that we designed especially for women in your situation: Rebuild Your Relationship.
In it, you’ll learn actionable steps to immediately capture his undivided attention, as well as the secrets to get him to truly value and appreciate you the way you want and need, so that he DOES finally worry about losing you.
Finally, there is also a flip side to the whole issue of men not worrying about losing their partner…
Which is that he might straight up be the emotionally unavailable type!
If you’ve found yourself chasing him to meet your relationship needs (which you very well deserve to have!) and when you express them, his response is equivalent to that of a rock. Then you probably find our post about how to get emotionally unavailable men to open up insightful.
If you have any further questions or you’re not sure about something, just drop me a comment below and I’ll get back to you!
There’s nothing worse than trying everything in your power to make your connection with your man work and still feel like your relationship is dying.
Whether you feel like you’ve become emotional strangers or every conversation ends in frustrating fights, or you haven’t had sex in months or even if you’ve reached a point of simply not talking to each other anymore…
Let me tell you, it can CHANGE.
When my relationship with my boyfriend Gabriel (who runs this blog with me) was about to die, things were TOUGH.
Even though we kept trying to make things work and grow closer, we couldn’t seem to save our relationship…
It was as though there was an invisible wall between us that we were powerless against.
And what’s more, the wall kept slowly expanding and pushing us further apart!
And as it did, we gradually made less effort and cared less…
There were times where both of us wanted to simply throw in the towel and call it quits.
So in order to save you all the pain, here is what I learned you need to do to revive your dying relationship and save it!
1. Uncover What Is Making Your Relationship Die
There is no magic at work here!
If you feel like your relationship is nearing its end, then there is a REASON.
In my case, it turned out that there were external factors like our jobs and family getting in between us.
As well as letting our relationship start to go on autopilot.
Whatever the case might be for you, the point is to try and figure out what is making your relationship feel like it’s ending.
And it’s the first step in saving your relationship.
This means taking charge and honestly talking to your man and asking questions to uncover the reason why the spark is fading.
In other words, try to get to the bottom of it all.
Also know that the process of a deteriorating relationship generally happens slowly, VERY SLOWLY…
So much so that you might not even notice it until months or even years have passed! Even though it’s happening right in front of our eyes…
So if you happen to be beating yourself up over not “Not having noticed it sooner”.
Don’t.
It happened to me too, just as it happens to countless other women.
2. Understand That There Are Multiple Causes
When your relationship is dying, I guarantee you it’s never due to one isolated cause.
There are always multiple things at play.
As previously mentioned in my case it was jobs and family getting in the way.
And there were also many other smaller factors, like me not feeling understood or taken seriously by Gabriel.
On top of it all, there was also his side of things.
So, not only were there multiple causes of mine that I needed to uncover to save our relationship. There were Gabriel’s as well.
This means that in your relationship, there will be two sides to contend with.
Yours and his.
This adds up to what might feel too complex a problem to unravel and somewhat overwhelming.
But for now, you only need to remember one thing; There are many different causes that are contributing towards your relationship dying!
It’s very unlikely due to one isolated reason or incident.
3. Focus on the Main Cause in Your Relationship First
So we just said that there are various contributors to take into account when it comes to your relationship dying.
Having said all of that, when starting off, it’s best to take on the MAIN cause first, rather than trying to solve all at once!
This ensures you’re dealing with only the biggest and most urgent reason behind your relationship troubles, when trying to save it.
Then you’ll also not be overwhelmed and can take the other issues on one at a time.
For me, one of the big ones was focusing on setting boundaries with my family.
But for you it might be that your man is distant, or maybe every discussion ends in a fight or worse you might even suspect him of lying to you…
Whatever is bothering you the most, start trying to address and solve this ONE thing first.
You can think of it as saving small parts of your relationship, one at a time. And it will all add up.
Once you’ve taken care of one, you can work your way to the others when you feel ready.
4. Have a Framework and Tools to Save Your Relationship
When I need to do my makeup, I have brushes, concealer, eyelash curler, various other tools as well as a technique.
If I’m going shopping, I know which stores I’m going to for which items, I have a shopping list app, carry bags and my car.
Every little and big task in life requires some kind of system and tools if you want to be quick and make things easier for yourself.
When it comes to relationships though, we’re taught that once you find the right guy things must somehow magically fall into place.
That there will never be a need to work on- or save your relationship…
That relationship skills are somehow instinctual or passed on and should just work.
Yet in my experience it’s nothing like that.
I struggled A LOT in my relationship at the beginning, because I was navigating blindly and hoping things would just somehow work out!
But the truth is that relationships require a method and tools just like any other task in life.
The only reason I have a fulfilling and happy relationship with Gabriel today is because I have the right framework and tools to not only save, but also create the relationship I want and know how to DEAL with problems if they arise.
Without them I’d be lost.
And they’ve added so much value to my relationship that I eventually decided to start this blog with my boyfriend Gabriel and teach these relationship techniques.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and are not sure how to best approach saving your relationship, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course designed especially for women.
With it, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do, to not only save your relationship from dying, but also how to build it back to being the way you want it to be: fun, loving and steamy!
Being in a relationship that is falling apart can be extremely painful. When my relationship was falling apart I used to feel heartbroken and hurt almost every day.
Our constant fights and misunderstandings made me endlessly worry. I used to wonder “Will this ever change?”, “Can we even make this work, or maybe we’re just simply not meant to be…”
My relationship with my partner Gabriel started out great, but things deteriorated over time.
After being together for a year and a half we have reached a point where we fought almost all the time, we couldn’t enjoy each other’s company anymore, our spark was fading and we even broke up a couple of times.
I didn’t want to give up on our relationship though and eventually, we managed to COMPLETELY turn things around.
No matter how bad things are in your relationship right now, it’s important to remember that there is always a way out.
You can fix your relationship even when it’s falling apart.
Here is how I did it:
1. Stop Expecting Things to Change on Their Own and Start Making Changes Yourself
This might sound obvious to some of you, but it wasn’t at all obvious to me back then and I think it’s a problem a lot of people have.
When my relationship started falling apart, in the first couple of months I was simply HOPING that things will get back to normal on their own.
Initially, I was hoping that Gabriel would change his mind or attitude towards me, or that he would become more caring and attentive again, but I wasn’t DOING anything to make any of these changes happen.
I spent hours complaining about our issues to friends, and even read books and articles about relationship problems, but I didn’t implement anything I’d learned.
I wasn’t making any active efforts to fix my relationship.
Back then, I used to be caught up in a belief that: “If it’s meant to be, it will work out”.
Because of this I almost felt like I’m not supposed to make any active efforts to fix my relationship from falling apart.
Once I put that limiting belief into question and started implementing new knowledge and actively changing my attitude, my relationship started gradually changing for the better.
One of the first big changes I made, that stopped my relationship from falling apart was:
2. Limit Attitudes and Behaviors That Are Damaging Your Relationship
We all come with our share of emotional baggage and unhealthy attitudes.
There are countless ways in which women sabotage their relationships, make their men more distant or even drive them away.
Things like chasing him to do, be or feel certain things, punishing or dismissing your partner are common behaviors that a lot of us resort to ALMOST EVERY DAY.
I used to do all these things too.
I used to chase Gabriel to feel more grateful and appreciative of my efforts, I’d dismiss his complaints or even withdraw my love and become more distant to show him that he did something wrong.
The main reason why I resorted to all sorts of unhealthy tactics was that I simply didn’t know any better.
It was the only way I knew to try to get what I wanted from him.
And I know many women make the very same mistake.
The thing is, all of these behaviors have a TERRIBLE influence on a relationship.
In fact, they directly cause relationships to fall apart.
That’s why, in order to fix a relationship, it’s important to limit these damaging habits as much as you can.
3. Learn Healthy Ways to Try to Get What You Want or Need
The reason so many people resort to all sorts of unhealthy behaviors in their relationships is that they think it’s the ONLY way to get what they want or need from their partner.
But in reality, this is not the case.
There are COUNTLESS ways and approaches that can get your partner to give you what you want or need without damaging your relationship in the process.
This includes learning how to say things in a way that will him listen.
As well as discovering how to listen in a way that can make your partner feel heard and understood.
When you can communicate openly in your relationship, you don’t have to silently hope that he will figure out what you’re needing and give it to you.
You can simply ask for things!
This way you’re much less likely to fight over countless little misunderstandings and you’re also much more likely to get MORE of what you want.
Improving communication was definitely a big stepping stone that helped me fix my relationship and stopped it from falling apart.
But there were many other skills I picked up that allowed me to quickly turn things around.
4. Set Boundaries to Prevent Your Partner’s Unhealthy Behaviors and Habits
In most cases, it’s not enough to just limit your own damaging habits and attitudes.
Because it takes two people to bring a relationship to the brink of falling apart.
Your partner has likely their own ways in which they damage and sabotage the relationship.
That’s why learning when and how to set boundaries is a crucial step when it comes to fixing things.
In my relationship, there were countless occasions that required me to set boundaries with Gabriel and also where he had to set boundaries with me.
We would often say or do hurtful things without fully realizing their negative effects.
In these kinds of situations, boundaries can act as a shield, protecting you and your relationship from potential damage.
They are absolutely necessary in order to fix a relationship when it’s falling apart.
And they also have other positive side effects.
Setting boundaries might initially be met with some resistance, but when you manage to persist and stand your ground, they’re bound to invoke deeper levels of respect from your partner.
They can actually make you feel more connected and bring you two closer.
It’s also important to mention that when your relationship has reached this point of falling apart, there’s often a lot of hurt and broken trust that happens along the way.
That way you’re starting again with a more solid foundation.
Now, fixing a relationship when it’s falling apart is definitely a challenge.
There might be moments where you’ll feel hopeless and be on the verge of giving up.
One big thing that I’ve learned from when we were struggling in our relationship was to not underestimate small changes.
There are countless ways in which you can turn things around.
It doesn’t matter what method you choose to implement or how much of it you even implement.
Every effort counts.
Even the tiniest of changes can make a world of difference.
If you’re interested in having more support and a step by step method on how to fix your relationship from falling apart, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we cover and teach the most important tools you need to stop things from further falling apart in your relationship. And more importantly you’ll learn how to rebuild things with solid foundations that will allow you to restore the love and attraction again.
Certain toxic relationship habits are just so prevalent in our surroundings that it might make you feel that they must somehow be ok.
Sort of like smoking in high school, just because everyone does it, it means it can’t possibly be that bad for you…
Unfortunately, this is not the case.
Even though the habits listed here are generally considered “not that big of a deal” they will inevitably damage your relationship.
These are all relatively little things, most couples do. I used to act like this myself too!
Over the years I’ve noticed the negative effects these toxic habits had on my relationship and I discovered healthy alternatives for each one of them!
1. Holding Grudges to Use Them as Leverage
This is an extremely common behavior. Everybody who is in a relationship surely has been holding some grudges against their partner at some point in time.
Holding a couple of grudges is generally not the end of the world.
We all resort to it now and then, sometimes because we’re left with no other choice.
However, holding grudges becomes a really toxic habit in a relationship when a person intentionally lets problems pile up so that they can then use it as leverage in an argument against their partner.
It’s like keeping a registry of all the ways that your significant other has wronged you in the past so that you can use it to make them behave the way you want in the present moment.
This attitude is EXTREMELY DAMAGING to any relationship. Yet I’ve seen countless arguments where couples pulled this on each other! It’s such a common thing!
The truth is, using holding grudges this way is a manipulation tactic that will inevitably backfire.
I think that the most important thing to understand about using grudges as leverage is that people resort to it because they’re afraid to let their partner in.
You see, holding a grudge is EASY. When your partner does something that makes you upset it and you choose to sulk in silence, you risk nothing.
Pointing out a problem and communicating your feelings, on the other hand, oh that takes balls 💪.
It’s scary to admit that something hurt you. What if your partner just says “you’re overreacting!” or “you’re being unreasonable!”?
But if you truly care about building a happy and healthy relationship, you must be willing to take that risk.
Even though it’s scary, owning and communicating your feelings is the only way you can truly get what you want out of your relationship.
2. Making Demands and Not Leaving Any Room for Your Partner to Say “No”
Making demands is another very common toxic habit that a lot of people develop in their relationship.
It’s true that being together entitles you to certain privileges with your partner.
For example, you don’t have to ask their permission every time you want to kiss them or hold hands!
But the real problems arise when people start creating DEBTS OF GRATITUDE in their relationship in order to EARN FAVOURS.
This can start with harmless little made-up rules like “I clean the house, you’re supposed to take out the trash” or “we’re together, so you have to come to dinner with me and my family”.
There is nothing wrong with a healthy exchange of favors as long as neither of you is trying to manipulate the other into doing things they’re not up for.
The problem with making demands in relationships is that it’s inherently manipulative.
When you demand things from your partner you’re INTENTIONALLY not leaving any room for them to say “no”.
Much like when it comes to holding grudges, making demands is the EASY thing to do.
Asking for things, on the other hand, requires a lot of courage.
When you ask your partner for something, you risk them rejecting you.
You’re showing vulnerability by admitting to needing them.
Asking for things builds trust in relationships while making demands destroys it.
Trying to ask for things will make your partner feel closer to you, demanding things from them will inevitably make him more distant.
3. Not Wanting to Admit Mistakes and Resorting to the Blame Game Instead
This one is a classic.
Most arguments in relationships are all about trying to establish WHO IS TO BLAME.
-”You never listen to what I say!”
-”Well, you’re just too critical!”
-”I’M CRITICAL??! No. You’re just being WAY too sensitive!”
-“Too sensitive?? You’re the one who got upset in the first place!”
And so on and so forth… 😉
When your partner is pointing out that you’re doing something wrong, it’s easy to get defensive. I would know. I used to react this way too the whole time.
When Gabriel pointed out that I was doing something that was hurting him in our relationship I immediately felt attacked and tried to strike back.
The act of striking back, however, only led to more damage.
At the end each of these kinds of arguments, both of us always ended up feeling hurt and frustrated.
Admitting to doing something that could have caused Gabriel to be upset, used to be REALLY HARD for me.
There was just such a strong notion in my family that you have to be perfect as a woman and that the man is always to blame.
This is something that used to be completely counterintuitive to me:
Admitting mistakes leaves space for the hurt party to express their feelings and be heard. That makes them relax and actually cuts any argument short.
On top of that, admitting mistakes can actually lead to you and your partner feeling closer and having more trust with one another!
Conclusion
Just because these three toxic relationship habits are extremely common, it doesn’t make them any less damaging.
When it comes to relationships, there really are no fixed rules.
That’s why it’s always important to evaluate your own approach and think things through yourself.
Holding grudges, making demand and resorting to the blame game will leave both you and your man feeling distant and disconnected.
Contrary to this, communicating problems, asking for things and admitting mistakes will make your relationship stronger and healthier than ever.
They say you have to find true love.
Sorry, but that is utter BS.
You build true love by cutting out the toxic habits and inserting the healthy ones in their place! And it takes love and patience to get there.
What are your experiences with the habits listed here? Do you have any questions about them? Let me know in the comments section, I’d love to help out!
Improving communication in a relationship is not an easy feat.
This is something that almost EVERY couple struggles with.
When trying to communicate people often talk past each other.
Thanking past each other can lead to frustrating arguments.
Gabriel and I used to get stuck in vicious cycles of fighting like this a lot in the past.
We would repeat the same arguments over and over again but they rarely lead to any conclusions.
In fact, they often had the opposite effect: after the fight, we both felt unheard and discarded by the other.
It’s only after we figured out communication in our relationship, we started to really grow closer, build trust and felt safer and more loved in our relationship.
These are the three biggest breakthroughs, that helped us get through to each other.
1. You Need To See Your Partner as an Individual to Begin Communicating
We’ve all been raised to think in predefined ways.
Especially when it comes to man-woman roles in relationships.
Although times are changing, these beliefs still have a strong subconscious grip and can be extremely limiting when trying to communicate with your partner.
Some limiting-beliefs include:
Women are obsessed with details
Women are hysteric and blow things out of proportion
Women are unreasonably needy
Men are emotionless drones that only think about sex
Men don’t need or want love and affection
Men are unreliable and can’t be trusted
I have always considered both Gabriel and myself as open-minded and rational.
Yet we used to project these kinds of prejudices onto each other without even realizing it.
They were just so prevalent in our surroundings, we were taught to accept them as ultimate truths.
In reality, these beliefs had absolutely no significance in our relationship.
They only stood in the way of us getting through to each other.
When you perceive your partner through the lens of predefined roles you can never hear what they are actually saying to you.
He might be complaining about not having enough love and affection and all you’ll be able to hear is:
“Uh, the sex-hungry monster is making unreasonable demands AGAIN!”
And the other way around, you might be complaining about not feeling supported with the household chores and all your partner will hear is:
“Uhh, she is having unreasonable expectations and blowing things out of proportion AGAIN!”
That’s why the first step in improving communication is to notice and try to discard preconditioned sexist prejudices from your relationship.
Seeing your partner not as a boyfriend/husband/man but as an individual – a person with their own particular emotional needs – will open both of you up.
2. Learn Reflective Listening to Break out of Frustrating Patterns
Do you feel unheard in your relationship?
You’re saying the same thing over and over again and he just never listens?
I have some tough news for you.
There is a 99,9% chance that your boyfriend feels EXACTLY the same way you do.
Communication is a two-way street. You either keep an open channel and both communicate, or you don’t.
In order to improve communication in your relationship, one of you needs to make the FIRST STEP and start LISTENING.
It’s necessary that you learn how to make your partner feel heard.
Because only once you know how to get there, can you then teach him to reciprocate the favor.
In my experience, the best way to make someone feel heard is through reflective listening.
Reflective listening is a communication strategy consisting of two key steps:
Seeking to understand a speaker’s idea
Then reflecting the idea back to the speaker, to confirm that it’s been understood correctly
In other words, it’s a way of listening to that involves letting your partner know you’ve registered and understood what he’s been trying to convey.
It used to be really hard for me to stick to my guns and insist on being heard. Especially if it was about a vulnerable issue, like eg. “Needing to feel important.”
Unfortunately, sometimes you need to repeat yourself a hundred times before you manage to get your point across.
Tell your man that you really need them to hear you out on this one!
I also find it helpful to say things like “I need you to reflect what I said back to me.”
This way you can check whether he did really got what you were trying to convey or not.
Conclusion
Improving communication in a relationship can be tricky, There are a lot of things that will stand in your way.
Widespread assumptions about the roles men and women typically play in relationships can be a barrier and very detrimental to getting through to each other.
That’s why it’s important to think of your partner, not as a man/boyfriend/husband but as an INDIVIDUAL, with his own particular perks and preferences.
Reflective listening is an extremely powerful tool.
It can enable you to break out of frustrating arguments and patters by making your man feel heard.
Sometimes it might take a lot of convincing in order to get him to return the favor.
Don’t let that stop you.
You can get your point across. Just tell him that you need him to listen and reflect things back to you too.
If you have any questions or would like to share your experiences with these tips, let me know in the comments below.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
Here we’ll support you in figuring out how to talk to him after a breakup so that he is drawn back to you again and what you need to do to finally stop the pattern of heartbreaking distance. You’ll also learn what common mistakes to avoid (like doing no-contact) when trying to get your ex back and what strategies to apply instead.
