Has your wife said something along these lines to you?
“How can you disrespect me like that?”
“Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“Why do you keep disrespecting me?”
“You can’t just ignore my feelings.”
But you did not intentionally say or do anything to hurt or disrespect her?
You might have also tried making efforts to show that you respect your wife’s feelings, and yet she’s STILL unhappy.
If this fits for you, then you’re in the right place.
I had similar struggles in my marriage where I had to learn what my wife actually meant, when she asked me to respect her feelings.
So much so, she and I built this entire website around these topics to help other couples with their relationship and marriage struggles.
Let’s start with the fundamentals though, and then I’ll show you how to respect your wife’s feelings in a way that will not only make her stop complaining…
But will actually make her happy, while adoring and appreciating you for your efforts.
What Does Respecting Your Wife Mean?
Some things are better explained through a story, so here’s John’s story on how he learned what respecting his wife meant.
John and his wife Seline were visiting family.
Everybody had gathered at the dinner table and was enjoying the topic of current fashion until her aunt Natalie made a snide remark that shut Seline down.
“Well, with the way you look, I’m surprised you ever fit in your wedding dress.”
Seline lowered her head blushing, she felt ashamed, and her aunt had intentionally tried to upset her.
Now, even though John knew it was true that Seline had put on weight, and he had a tendency to take Julie’s families’ side, which would often result in her feeling disrespected by him.
He decided he would no longer participate, and this time he stepped in to defend her instead:
“I think you look absolutely stunning, honey, and wouldn’t have you any other way.”
He then lowered his voice to whisper, “And I don’t think your aunt Nat could ever have fit in your wedding dress.”
Seline muffled a laugh and beamed at John with fondness and appreciation.
Even though her aunt disrespected her, him not joining in and taking her side instead made her feel respected by him.
So respecting your wife’s feelings means that she wants you to make decisions that take her into account and show that you respect her.
What Does Respect Look Like in a Marriage?
Respect in a marriage can look like a husband deeply listening to his wife to make sure she feels understood. Or a wife giving her husband a massage to ease the strain from the day.
Think of it as two people having regard for each other’s feelings and wishes.
Both of them will be there for each other emotionally, intellectually and pragmatically and do their level best to work as a team to build a life they’ll BOTH value and enjoy.
Another way to understand what respect looks like in a marriage, is to know what a husband should NOT do:
Don’t shout at each other
Don’t lie to each other
Don’t call each other names
Don’t blame each other
Don’t cheat on each other
Don’t hurt on each other
Don’t abandon each other
Nobody has a perfect track record, but it is vital to drastically REDUCE these behaviors in your marriage in order for both parties to feel respected.
How Does a Husband Show Respect to His Wife’s Feelings?
There are countless ways in which you can show your wife that you respect her feelings.
Some will carry more weight than others, though, so here are the ones that she will appreciate and value most and will help her feel respected by you.
1. Be Honest and Transparent
You cannot say you respect your wife if you lie to her, and certainly cannot build a sustainable marriage on half-truths.
This means that you openly communicate your thoughts and feelings with her, even if it’s vulnerable or difficult!
And believe me, although being honest can seem like the more difficult thing to do, trying to maintain a lie is far more work, and it inevitably crumbles into a heap.
I’ve heard the story too many times from my coaching clients, both with men and women: they tell me that they (or their spouse) chose to separate because they were hiding things or cheating.
Save yourself the trouble and pain by telling your wife the truth and being respectful to her feelings.
2. Show Your Appreciation of Her in Public
Another way to really help your wife feel respected is to express your appreciation of her in public settings.
So next time you are at a social event with friends or with family, say something genuine, and nice about your wife, while she is present.
Some examples might include:
“You know, that’s something I actually really appreciate about my wife, she’s so attentive to….”
“You look absolutely stunning, my dear.”
“I think you’re incredibly intuitive when it comes to….”
“I am genuinely grateful to have you in my life.”
Appreciating your wife like this in public is how to treat your wife right, and she’ll feel truly respected.
In doing so, you are also demonstrating that you stand by her side and she can count on you.
3. Respect Her Emotional and Physical Boundaries
Everybody has their limits and your wife will be no different.
When she’s reached an emotional or physical limit, she will verbally or nonverbally (her body language) communicate a boundary to you.
Whether it’s because she’s had a rough day, there were excessive demands that took their toll on her, she’s struggling with mental health, or she doesn’t feel safe for some reason…
Whatever the reason might be, it is vital that you respect her boundaries.
Seek to understand them and be there to support her, but never push past them, because you need to be her rock and protector, not someone crossing her limits.
When she knows you respect her boundaries, she will see you are a man who respects his wife’s feelings.
4. Do Your Best To Listen To- And Understand Her
Easier said than done, no?
Even though Karolina (my wife) and I coach others on communication, we too catch ourselves talking past each other and not listening.
Listening and understanding your wife is a SKILL. Not a one-off effort.
And just like any other skill, you’ll need to practice it regularly to get good at it.
Being able to listen and understand your wife is an invaluable ability that I promise will elevate and improve ALL areas of your life, not just your marriage.
Because everybody DESPERATELY craves to be heard and understood!
In the first call with a client, I spend up to 80% of the time deeply listening to them and asking questions to make sure I understand their story and feelings correctly.
Only afterwards does it make sense to coach them on what they can do to improve their marriage.
This is a crucial way to respect your wife’s feelings, and she’ll respect YOU all the more for it as well.
5. Take Action To Show Her You Care
After having listened to her and understood her feelings, it’s vital to back it up with some action.
It’s not about getting it perfect, but rather demonstrating that you respect your wife’s feelings and are making an active effort to change something.
In practical terms, this could be:
Listening to her consistently
Helping her around the house with chores
Supporting and being there for her emotionally
Working hard to provide for yourselves and family if you have
Showing her tenderness and care
Regardless of what it is that she needs from you…
When you make that active effort, and follow through with action, it will help your wife know that you respect her feelings and she will trust you more.
6. Be Transparent About Your Limitations and Struggles
We all have our private struggles and limitations, which impact our marriage (often negatively).
The best approach to these personal challenges is to be open and transparent about them to your wife.
It is vital that you convey your limits so that she understands that when you sometimes can’t provide what she needs. It is not because you do not wish to give her what she wants, but rather because you don’t know how to.
And you might need some help figuring out what’s creating your limits in order to break past those emotional or mental barriers.
7. Show Her That You Appreciate Her
Karolina and I could sometimes get so lost in the day-to-day grind of life, that it could feel like going through the motions and taking each other for granted.
So, another great way to help your wife feel valued and respected is by saying or doing things that convey your appreciation of her.
“Thank you, I really appreciate the effort you made today.”
“You bake the best cookies. Period.”
“I appreciate how much effort you put into taking care of….”
“One of the things I like most about you is….”
Say something you GENUINELY FEEL but might not normally say.
And if you’re a man of action and not words, you can give her the things she’s been talking about for a while.
Or take her out to that place she’s been wanting to go to. And when she asks “What’s the occasion?”
Tell her, “I’m just celebrating having you in my life.”
Your wife will immensely appreciate how much effort you make to respect her feelings.
8. Be Kind, Gentle and Affectionate
You would be surprised how much the little things count.
My wife sometimes tells me how much she appreciates me being gentle and affectionate throughout the day.
So whether that’s a soft kiss on her forehead, or gently caressing her cheek, let your wife feel special and loved with small gestures.
A vital component in this, is that your intentions are NOT sexual.
Otherwise, she might feel like it’s more about your needs than hers and feel pressured.
These things go a long way in sustaining a healthy and happy marriage, that can otherwise be cluttered by routines, and taking each other for granted.
She will feel safe, and notice that you respect her feelings when you are kind and affectionate towards her.
It’s one of the easiest ways a man can make his wife happy.
9. Be a Gentleman
Chivalry is not quite dead yet, and many women appreciate some traditionally upheld values.
To be clear, this does not mean being condescending, patronizing, or sexist in any way.
It means being attentive and caring towards your wife as though you were on one of your first dates.
Some very simple yet classic gestures, can go a long way:
Don’t be vulgar, don’t belch or break wind in her presence, charm and compliment her, get the door for her, lend her your arm as you stroll down the street together, etc.
These little details can go a long way in respecting your wife’s feelings.
10. Abide by Your Marriage Vows
I’m not sure how much this needs underlining, but it should go without saying that you should abide by the agreements you made to your wife.
Everybody will have their own preferences, differences, and ways of making their marriage work.
But what is important is that you stick to your agreements. Or at the very least modify them together.
This means if you have an exclusive marriage, you do not commit emotional or physical infidelity.
It means you make an active effort to live up to the promises you made to each other on your wedding day to the best of abilities.
They are a promise to your wife, and to yourself, to be the best husband and man you can possibly be.
11. Make Decisions as a Team
Much like Karolina and I share the tasks of this website together, you and your wife will also have shared responsibilities and decisions that need to be made in your marriage.
And a crucial way of respecting your wife’s feelings is to take her seriously and involve her in all important decisions as an equal partner.
Under no circumstances, should you ever try to blindside her and make big decisions whether they be financial or pragmatic without her involvement.
You are a team, and you will make wiser decisions when you work together. Four eyes are better than two.
I personally learned this lesson and in retrospect, it became obvious that not involving Karolina in a decision not only led to a worse choice, but also made my wife feel disrespected.
So avoid this mistake and treat her with respect and as your equal.
12. Balance the Power in Your Marriage
Every relationship is a power struggle of sorts, and in your marriage you will ideally strive towards BALANCING the power dynamic with your wife.
She will have certain areas of life where she holds more power and control.
Just as, you will have other areas of strength and influence.
So a great way to help your wife feel respected is to share your power with her, and do your level best to create an equilibrium.
Don’t make the mistake of trying to endlessly increase your influence and control in your marriage, it will only backfire.
You may both argue along the way, but it’s normal to fight every once in a while.
These are the best ways in which you can respect your wife’s feelings and make her feel loved and appreciated.
Consider them good examples to reference on how a husband should treat his wife.
What Does a Wife Need From Her Husband?
I will admit that there have been times where trying to understand what my wife needed from me felt like an impossible puzzle.
To me, it seemed like regardless of my efforts, she would be unhappy and dissatisfied.
It was as though no matter how hard I tried, it was simply never good enough.
If you’ve experienced the same with your wife over a longer period, it might make you want to throw in the towel and settle for an unfulfilled marriage.
But fear not, there is a SOLUTION to this problem that Karolina and I eventually figured out together, and it’s not what you think!
Firstly, you need to understand that you SHOULD NOT make her feelings about you.
Instead, truly listen and seek to understand how she feels. Keep the conversation about her and don’t make it about yourself, no matter how intense it gets.
And even if explaining or defending yourself seems like the logical thing to do. Don’t.
And secondly, do not suggest solutions for your wife’s feelings.
She doesn’t need solutions, she needs you to help her make sense of what she’s feeling and going through herself!
And you do this by listening and not providing solutions (unless she specifically asks for them!)
Finally, don’t judge her emotions, otherwise it’ll shut her down, and you won’t have a chance to figure things out.
Instead, be empathetic and comfort her when the moment calls for it.
If you find yourself turning in circles with your wife and would like help applying what we’ve covered in this post in your own marriage, book a one-on-one coaching call with me.
In a call, I’ll listen to your story and take your side. You’ll feel understood, and I’ll give you a clear strategy on how to not only make your wife feel respected, but also help you feel validated in your efforts.
Let’s go over the character traits of a sigma female so you can figure out whether you recognize yourself in them.
What Is a Sigma Personality?
A sigma female exhibits alpha qualities, but is more in tune with her emotions and will seek independence over leadership. You can think of a sigma female as an introverted alpha.
Here are the sigma female traits you might have:
1. She Is Self-Reliant
One of the KEY character traits of a sigma female is her self-reliance.
She has learned through a lot of hardship, that if she wants to achieve her life goals, she needs to make it happen herself.
So whether it’s about her career, her relationships or any other ambition, she is quick to take matters in her own hands.
If you are this type of female personality, you will have a little patience for beating around the bush and wasting time.
4. She Answers the Call to Adventure
Adventure is spelt in capital letters for a sigma, female. She doesn’t do boring.
When there is a call to adventure, she answers it, because the uncharted and yet-to-be-explored is far more exciting to her than the predictable routines of daily life.
When sigma females pick a partner, they will expect them to keep up with their adventurous spirit!
5. Loyalty Matters a Great Deal to Her
Sigma females are loyal to their friends and partners, and expect the same in return.
They set a high standard for themselves and value honest, caring and reliable people.
And if someone crosses her, they are bound to feel the consequences of their trespass.
6. She Doesn’t Focus on Trends, She Creates Them
One thing that sigma females don’t do particularly well is follow.
Rather than obsess over trends they seek to create and capitalize on them.
She understands that social norms and hierarchies are fleeting constructs which she tries to operate outside of.
7. Others Value Her Friendship
When it comes to her friends, she understands the worth and value of their relationship.
Because, although sigma females may not fall into the classic alpha characteristics of leadership, they do know how to create strong ties of friendship.
8. She Doesn’t Worry About What People Think of Her
A sigma female does not place much weight on people’s opinions of her.
But she listens to trusted people in her life to get their opinions and feedback, since she considers them to have genuine value.
And although she is capable of taking feedback on board, she also knows how to stop overthinking and gets back on her feet quickly.
9. She’s Willing to Take Risks
Another typical characteristic of a sigma female is that she understands that there are no rewards without taking some risks.
This is a character trait that often separates her from her peers who prefer walking the beaten path and placing their bets safely.
She blazes her own trail instead and is therefore often left working alone towards her goals.
Not by choice, put out of necessity.
10. Others Can Feel Intimidated by Her
Sigma females are sometimes so focused on their own lives and ambition that they don’t realize how intimidating they can be to others.
She’s not afraid of conflict or being disliked and places more value on people respecting her than liking her.
How Do I Know If I’m a Sigma Female?
If 8 or more of the 12 sigma personality traits listed above fit for you, then you’re a sigma female.
And to summarize the most important points again:
A sigma female is an independent, loyal, straight-shooter, who is often ambitiously driven and operates outside of the standard social hierarchy. She takes risks, can be intimidating and sets hard boundaries when she needs to.
Do you recognize yourself in this description? Or have others described you this way?
If yes, you’re a sigma female.
And if you’re wondering whether it’s good to be a sigma, the answer is there is no good or bad here. It’s a matter of preference.
There are multiple female personality types, some traits of which you’ll identify with and others not so much.
The real question is who do you WANT to be?
And based on that, you can chart your own course in life to become that wonderful version of yourself.
Do Sigmas Have Friends?
Sigmas absolutely have friends.
But sigmas are more introverted in the sense that they don’t care to participate in the power games and gossip that comes with social groups.
Therefore they might also prioritize the pursuit of their goals over their community. This can lead to periods of isolation as they move between social circles.
Due to their loyalty, they will however maintain the friendships that mean a lot to them.
What Are the Six Female Personalities?
These are the six female personalities in order of their theoretical social hierarchy:
Alpha ↔️ 2. Sigma
Beta
Delta
Gamma
Omega
The Sigma sits on the same level as the Alpha, except that a sigma chooses to operate outside of social hierarchy by their own choice.
What’s important to keep in mind is that these social hierarchies are concepts to help you better understand social constructs you live in.
They are not a hard science.
(The term ‘alpha’ found its way into mainstream culture, through the idea of an ‘alpha’ wolf. A term that has long been rejected by David Mech himself, who studies wolves and originally introduced the idea.)
Having said that, all female personality types have strengths and weaknesses, so although there is a perceived hierarchy, one is not better than the other.
They are simply different with their own unique characteristics.
With that said, here are short descriptions of the six female personalities:
1. Alpha – The Leader
An alpha female is someone who leads a group and emanates strong will and confidence.
When you’re an alpha, you are often intimidating to others by how direct you can be with your opinions and domineering nature.
You’ll likely also feel exhausted with the endless responsibilities and decisions you have to make for your ‘pack’.
2. Sigma – The Rogue Alpha
The difference between alpha and sigma female is that as a sigma you’ll have strong alpha qualities while being more in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings.
You choose independence over leadership and pursue your own goals relentlessly.
Some perceive the sigma as ranking higher than alphas because of their autonomy and freedom.
3. Beta – The Right-Hand Woman
A beta female is often the right-hand woman to their alpha, she is loyal and trusting.
If you identify with this type you’re likely to be more introverted and quiet, but will be vocal to back a person you believe in.
But when your kindness and loyalty are trifled with or put into question, the person doing so is guaranteed to regret it.
4. Delta – The Planner
A delta female tends to be shy and needs her time to warm up to people.
But once people have won your trust, you’ll form incredibly deep and strong relationships for the long-run.
You’ll also be incredibly kind and patient and will honestly speak your opinion.
Being well organized and planning ahead comes as easy as breathing to you.
5. Gamma – The All-Rounder
A gamma female is someone who excels in all aspects equally. But this is admittedly at the expense of not feeling like she truly masters one thing.
Nonetheless, as a gamma you’ll lead a very balanced life and pursue your goals with a solid planning framework.
You’ll likely be family-focused and engaged with your community.
6. Omega – The Scholar
An omega female personality is knowledgeable and educated.
If you identify with her, you’ll often find yourself buried neck deep in books or pouring over piles of data trying to decipher the patterns.
You’ll be very logical and thoughtful in your approach to life, always seeking to understand the underlying principles that govern things.
Thank you for reading, I hope you’ve found the answers you were looking for and now know whether you can identify with the sigma female personality or not.
Either way, I’m sure you’re an incredible person who brings a lot to the people in your life.
So you’re wondering what chemistry feels like for a man.
Whether you’re a woman who’s curious to know, or a guy who needs to understand his feelings for someone, I’ll help you get to the bottom of it.
And what better way to know what chemistry feels like for men, than hearing it FROM MEN themselves?
On the Subreddit AskMen (sources: 2,3,4) people were wondering the same as you were and asked the following questions about chemistry for men:
“What Does Chemistry Mean to You?”
And here’s what men answered:
1. You Feel Comfortable Being Vulnerable
“Chemistry is that feeling you get when you’re with your closest friend. You can be your true self, they can be their true self, and even in that vulnerable state, both parties are completely comfortable. If you can find a significant other that you connect with in that way, and they’re physically attractive, do whatever you can to hold on to them. Finding someone like that is rare.”
2. Chemistry Is a Dance
“Chemistry is about having a natural flow where the conversation just comes easily with someone. Chemistry is about connecting on a bunch of the little things and sharing the same quirks. Chemistry is a dance partner who can read your signals and either can follow your most complicated leads or can lead you to dance turns you didn’t even know existed.”
3. I Can Be Playful With Her
“I’ve met women where we’ll get along well, we each know where the other stands without having to explicitly say it, and the relationship just works. She can playfully give me crap and vice versa, but at the end of the day it’s all part of our flirting game. We enjoy getting a rise out of each other almost any way possible.”
4. Chemistry Is a Bond That Isn’t Easy to Break
“Chemistry with another person can come in a variety of ways. From sexual to romantic, chemistry occurs when two people just mesh well. They create a bond with each other that’s not easy to break. They work well with each other. You have good chemistry with someone when it takes very little effort to have a great night with each other and things just fall into place, almost as if they were meant to be.”
5. It Feels Like Comfort
“Have you ever had that warm feeling inside of you whenever you’re around your significant other? It feels like comfort. Or ever have that sensation where you hear a car pulling up, or someone climbing the stairs leading to your apartment, or hearing someone coming up to the door to your place, and you just know it’s your significant other? Yeah, that.”
The next question somebody asked was:
“How Do You Know When You and a Girl Have Chemistry?”
Some of the men’s answers were rather romantic:
6. You Feel Magnetically Drawn Together
“It feels like static electricity, the air is just alive and there is this tension that you can feel like magnetism drawing you to them.”
7. Conversation Flows Effortlessly
“I think it really depends on each person, but chemistry is one of those things that’s so hard to exactly define. It’s just a feeling you get where conversation flows continuously without effort, you have physical attraction towards each other, and communication on all levels seem to be on par.”
8. You Want to Hold Her Tight and Never Let Go
“Oh man, it’s so incredible. It’s like the two of us are one unit and whenever we’re not together we wish we were. Not in the “I should see here later.” sense, but in the “I want to hold her tight and never let go.” And the best part is that I know she feels the same way about me.”
9. Good Chemistry Is Not Just Sexual
“I found out I’m more attracted to their personality, and when that happens, I’m really attracted to them in other ways, especially in bed. Good chemistry is not just sexual, but it’s also when it’s easy to love them, and vice versa.”
“What Does Having ‘Chemistry’ With Someone Mean to You?”
Here’s what the guys had to say:
10. It’s When You Just Click
“I think it’s a combination of compatibility and attraction. When you’re naturally on the same page in both areas, and you just click. It’s such an intangible thing, though, it’s so hard to explain. It’s there, or it isn’t, and when it is, you just know.”
11. Chemistry Means Feeling Comfortable Around Someone
“It means I’m comfortable around them. It means my adrenaline rises around them. Conversation is easy, more importantly, I’m comfortable being in silence around them”
12. Being Able to Laugh Together
“Having the same sense of humor and enjoying the same types of conversations. My girlfriend and I have laughed at so many unfunny things together. My best friends and I always feel like we can have deep philosophical conversations that generally just aren’t sustained when attempted with other people.”
13. It’s More Than Sex
“Chemistry is when you wanna sleep with someone, and you also want to hang out with them when you’re not sleeping with them.”
14. Your Social Interactions Are Mutual
“It means the social interactions with that person are persistently mutual and intended; you are both provided the social interactions that are expected from each other. It is inherently recognizable from both people, as well as from others who know each person’s social cues well.”
15. They Show You Genuine Interest
“They say your name. They are nice to you. They speak with a friendly tone. They want to hear your opinion. If they see you in public, they will say hi and maybe spark up a conversation. They are never “busy” when you have something to talk to them about. They listen intently.”
The final question was:
“What Does It Feel Like to Have Undeniable Chemistry and Sexual Tension With Someone?”
And the men concluded with…
16. I Get Butterflies in My Stomach
“It does not happen that often, unfortunately. But when I meet someone with whom I immediately click, I get excited, like these butterfly in my stomach feeling (but it’s not necessarily love or sexual tension). This feeling emerges when our conversation gains a certain dynamic and feels enriching and exciting.”
17. You Will Never Forget Them
“I’ve experienced this ‘undeniable chemistry’ thing a few times. In one of said instances, I fell for her in a way that hasn’t been matched since – even with my marriage of 15yrs. With the others, it was either distance or age that got in the way .. but holy hell, these girls were amazing and will forever hold a special place in my cold-ass heart.”
And a final answer that brings it all to the point was:
“You know you have chemistry when you’re not questioning whether or not you have chemistry”
So you’ll definitely know it when you feel it. 😉
Now, there was a final additional question directly from you guys that I’d like to answer myself, which is…
What Causes Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman?
You can think of chemistry between a man and a woman as a reflection of compatibility.
Which means, the more compatible you are, the MORE INTENSE your chemistry will be.
And these are the most crucial areas of compatibility:
Physical Attraction
This is commonly the first area, since we SEE people first. It is also the most obvious one and means that the more physically attracted you are to each other, the more intense the chemistry.
Intellectual Attraction
This will be more important to some than others, but a lot of people love and appreciate an intellectual mind. Because they want to be with a person they can talk to for hours on whose company they can enjoy.
Emotional Attraction
You may have had the experience of initially finding someone incredibly attractive, but when they start to speak, their emotional immaturity becomes apparent, and it’s an instant turn-off for you. So emotional attraction also plays a big role in chemistry.
Complimentary Characters
As the old adage goes: opposites attract. Though it’s not a hard rule, it does help create tension and excitement! And complimentary characters mean that both woman and man will bring something to the table that the other deeply craves and is drawn to.
Shared Values & Desires
Finally, chemistry between two people can be made (or killed) depending on how compatible their values and desires are. This means having the same priorities and expectations from life, because if you don’t, it’s hard to work towards a common goal.
So what causes chemistry between a man and a woman is the degree of compatibility they share in the five areas mentioned above.
The more compatible, the brighter the flame of chemistry and attraction.
Whether you’re new or old here, I appreciate you reading and hope you found the answers from men about chemistry insightful.
If you have any further questions about chemistry in a relationship, you should check out our one-on-one coaching calls.
Here you can share your entire story, and we’ll go into the details to make sense of the chemistry you share with that special someone.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it’s often hard to comprehend how they could do something like this.
Maybe you’re blaming yourself, thinking: “What did I do wrong to let this happen?”
Or you’re feeling betrayed, disappointed and are wondering: if this is how they treat you, then they’re clearly not who you thought them to be!
Being hurt emotionally or physically by someone you trusted and cared about is one of the most painful experiences in life.
But you can get through this!
Time alone will ease your pain. What’s more, there are things you can say and do to make it clear to the person who hurt you just how badly they messed up.
You can also protect yourself from this kind of betrayal in the future.
But first off, I’m going to explain why it even comes to this.
Why Does the One You Love Hurt You the Most
Unfortunately, the one you love can hurt you the most, because they are closest to you. You’ve let yourself be vulnerable around them and given them your trust.
This is why, when they betray it, it cuts much deeper and is far more personal.
We also have more emotional needs and higher expectations from the ones we love.
Imagine a friend of yours forgot about your birthday. Chances are, you might be slightly upset about it. But it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
However, if it’s your significant other, or one of your parents who forget about your special day, that is bound to really hurt.
Unfortunately, pain and love often go hand in hand.
None of us are perfect. We all forget things, are selfish and sometimes can do incredibly hurtful things, mostly, without intending to do so.
This brings me to my next point:
Can Someone Hurt You and Still Love You?
Yes, someone can absolutely hurt you and still love you.
Unfortunately, life and relationships are messy. Everybody has been through their own share of hardships and carries emotional baggage that they then let out on their loved ones.
If you’re asking yourself, how can someone say they love you and then hurt you, know that it’s often done unintentionally.
But don’t think of this as an excuse or a reason why you should forgive them.
Regardless if they meant to hurt you or not, it doesn’t make it ok for someone you love to put you through pain.
What’s more, different people have different standards and definitions of what love means and entails.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it’s important that you ask yourself: “Is this something I’m willing to put up with or not?”
It’s up to you to define your own limits and protect your own well-being. Maybe their definition and standards for love are just too different from what you want and need.
What to Do When You Are Hurt by Someone You Love
What do you do when someone you love really hurts you? Your first reaction might be to just run away and hide.
Distancing yourself and having some space is actually a good way of giving yourself time to recover and protecting yourself from further pain.
As long as you’re not doing it purely in the hopes of having the one who hurt you come chasing you with apologies.
This is where your attitude can backfire…
People rarely hurt others on purpose. So when you just distance yourself from them with no explanation, they are likely to misinterpret it as “you just needing space”.
So rather than come chasing after you, they’ll also just withdraw and try to wait it out.
Another common way of how people react when they’re hurt by a loved one is by being furious and outraged. It’s perfectly understandable that you might be impatient for them to see their mistake and make it up to you.
Unfortunately, this attitude generally doesn’t work either.
So rather than listen and apologize, they’ll likely just get defensive and might even say and do things that only hurt you further.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, your first focus needs to be protecting yourself from any further pain.
Followed by communicating to them why and how what they did caused you pain.
What to Say to Someone You Love Who Has Hurt You Deeply
Once you’ve recovered and regained your strength a little, try to communicate what you felt as clearly as possible.
You do this by saying something like:
“I have to tell you something important, and I need you to take it seriously. When you said/did that thing, it really hurt me. It broke my trust and made me question how you actually feel about me.”
This is how you give them a chance to understand and correct their mistake.
Don’t be surprised if they still react with defensive listening. You will most likely need to repeat yourself and set boundaries to really get your message across.
And if they just continue dismissing you over and over again and repeatedly do the things that hurt you deeply, you might want to reconsider this relationship…
…because, maybe it’s turning into a bit of a toxic one.
Dealing with someone who hurt you emotionally will require a lot of strength. Confronting them and trying to communicate with them will be vulnerable and maybe even a bit scary.
After all, by doing it, you will be risking yet another rejection.
This is why you’ll need to put your guard up and take it slow.
On top of making an effort to communicate, you’ll also likely need to set boundaries to make it clear to them that what they did hurt you deeply and that there’ll be consequences to it.
It’s all about being willing to face the reality of this difficult situation and standing up to them to whatever degree is necessary.
If you need help dealing with a loved one who really hurt you, I can support you through this in a coaching call.
Here I’ll listen and take your side. I’ll then build you up, so that you have the necessary strength to start fixing this difficult situation.
I’ll also give you tips on what boundaries to set and how to do it.
And if this isn’t the first time that someone you loved, hurt you deeply, and you feel like there is nothing more you can do to make it better, check out my husband’s post:
If you’re sitting around, thinking to yourself, “Should I call him or not?” chances are a guy you like intentionally left things open or vague between the two of you.
Maybe you’ve just started dating, and you’re tired of waiting. So you’re eager to make the first move, but you’re not sure if you should.
Or perhaps you and him have some history already, he might even be your ex, and you’re torn: on one hand, you don’t want to be the one who is always chasing him.
But at the same time, you also don’t want to wait forever or let it go without knowing for sure where he truly stands.
Regardless of how long you two have known each other and what the circumstances are exactly, there are times when you absolutely should call him first and others when it’s better for you to back off and wait.
In this post, I’ll help you recognize the best course of action for your particular case. But before going into these details, let’s first answer a few burning questions so many women have.
Should I Call Him or Text Him
I’m going to give you guys a few pointers here so that you can understand what the difference is between calling a man and texting him and when to do which.
Generally speaking, calling is more direct than texting.
It’s more of a power move. Because of this, it can be intimidating to some guys.
This is why a lot of people text first and only start calling each other, later on in the dating phase.
But again, some men don’t have patience for beating around the bush and will appreciate you calling over texting, even early on.
It’s also easier to communicate complicated things via phone call than it is over text.
By talking to each other, you can explain things right away and avoid misunderstandings.
However, some people have an easier time expressing vulnerable things over text than on the phone.
Texting gives you time to think things through and carefully formulate what you’re trying to say.
Point being, there are really no hard rules when it comes to this.
It entirely depends on your preferences. If you’re someone who is more comfortable calling than texting, that’s perfectly ok.
The same way, if you’re more on the shy side, and you have a really hard time picking up your phone, you don’t need to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
You can also stick with just texting.
Taking your partner or crush into consideration can also be helpful to make up your mind. What do you think he would prefer?
Either way, it doesn’t matter so much how you reach him, what’s more important is knowing when to do it.
Should You Ever Call a Guy First
A lot of our female coaching clients struggle making the first move when it comes to dating. They worry it’ll make the guy perceive them as desperate or controlling.
This fear of theirs is not entirely wrong. Some men can get intimidated or defensive when they feel like they’re not in charge.
Others will really appreciate your effort, though!
We live in the 21st century now, it’s perfectly ok for the woman to make the move, when she feels like it.
So yes, you can or even should call him first.
There is really nothing wrong with you doing it! Many guys will feel flattered or relieved when you take the pressure off of them.
And if a man ends up judging you for it, then maybe he’s just too insecure and not a good match anyway.
This is the general rule when it comes to the early stages of dating. Things look a little bit different when you’ve been going out for a while.
Should I Call Him if I Miss Him
If you miss a guy you’re dating or even together with, then you most likely haven’t seen or heard from him in a while. Maybe it’s only been a few days, and you don’t know why he is silent all of a sudden.
Or perhaps it’s been a week or more, and he still hasn’t called you.
So you’re starting to seriously miss him and are wondering if you should just give him a ring and check in.
When two people are seeing each other, it’s important that the amount of effort both of them are putting into making things work is more or less equal.
As long as this is the case, the guy you’re dating has been initiating as much or even more than you, then you should absolutely call him if you miss him!
Guys need this kind of encouragement in order to stay interested and keep pursuing you.
However, if you’ve been the only one who is making this relationship work, then it’s a completely different situation.
Being stuck always initiating, likely makes you worry that, if you didn’t do it, you might never hear from this guy again. So in a way, you might feel like you have to call him or text him first, if you want to keep him in your life.
Or he needs a little push, to realize that he actually cares and wants to keep this going.
The only way you can find out where he truly stands is by waiting it out.
If you’re the only one who has been initiating so far, then you shouldn’t call him when you miss him.
You need to leave room for him to show you if he cares or not.
Should I Call Him After He Ghosted Me
Ghosting unfortunately is extremely common nowadays.
The problem with being treated this way, is that when a guy does it, he leaves you hanging. You never know what really happened and why he disappeared so suddenly.
This is why you shouldn’t call a guy after he ghosted you.
Even if he picks up, he isn’t going to give you any answers. You’ll only feel more rejected and confused afterwards.
He likely wasn’t transparent with you and was pretending to be someone he’s not. He might even be a player.
Either way, ghosters are not serious relationship material. He is just wasting your time, and you deserve better!
Should I Call Him After a Fight
Another common situation when you might be wondering: “Should I call him if he hasn’t called me?” is after you guys had a fight. Unfortunately, arguments are a part of any healthy relationship.
It’s normal for people to disagree and get emotional over things.
However, when dust settles, all that’s left is often a strong need for reconciliation and making things right.
If you’re coming from a place of trying to make peace with him, then you should absolutely call him after a fight.
You don’t need to wait, you can try to fix this now. There are things you can say to him after an argument that’ll help you diffuse his anger and get him to open up to you again.
But if you’re calling him only to try to make him see things your way, then it’s better you don’t do it.
It would only escalate the fight further. Give him and yourself space to cool off some more instead.
You can just call a friend and complain about him to them…
Should I Call Him After a Breakup
Breakups are rarely a definite end of a relationship. Feelings people have for each other, can’t just vanish because you decide so.
This is why couples break up but stay in touch and try to work things out.
If you want to call your ex after a breakup to clarify things, get an explanation or apologize for something you did, you should absolutely go for it!
Except, if your ex explicitly asked you for space.
When this is the case, you need to respect his boundaries and avoid contacting him for a while. (You can text him after no contact, to check in and see if he is ready to talk, though.)
Another reason why you shouldn’t call your ex after a breakup is to try to tell him how much you love him and convince him to change his mind.
You cannot convince someone to feel differently than they do, trying to do so will only break your heart further.
Regardless, if you’re dating, together or broken up, you should call him as often as he calls you. And if he doesn’t call but keeps on texting, that’s ok too.
As long as the amount of effort both of you are putting in is balanced, all is well, and you really don’t need to worry too much.
However, if you’ve been calling him, and he hasn’t been returning the gesture, it might be time to put your guard up a little.
Maybe you’ve become too attached too early on, so you have a hard time stopping yourself from chasing him and are letting him take you for granted.
If this is the case, you need to slow down and make room for him to show you if he cares or not.
It can be really hard to know for sure what’s going on when he isn’t calling you enough.
Some guys need you to make the effort and get them to come back to you.
Others prefer when you back off. That’s what makes them want you more.
If you’re needing more guidance on what to do in your particular case, I can help you out in a coaching call.
I’ll listen to your story and help you figure out how you need to approach him, to get him to call you more and make more effort in general.
I’ll help you overcome whatever stands in a way of you having the relationship you want and deserve!
What all of these scenarios have in common, is that it hurts to love someone who isn’t willing or able to return your love.
Can You Ever Forget Someone You Love?
You can definitely forget someone you love in the sense of it not hurting you when they cross your mind.
It may take time and depending on how long you knew them, it can be months or even years before you truly forget them.
But things will get EASIER as time goes by, especially if you apply the following…
How Do You Just Stop Loving Someone?
In order to stop loving someone, you will mostly need distance from them and give yourself time to heal.
Follow these steps at your own pace, and you’ll gradually start feeling better, I promise!
1. Distance Yourself From Them
First things first, you will need to distance yourself from them.
This can often feel absolutely heartbreaking and is likely the most DIFFICULT step.
Because your attachment to them is still extraordinarily strong, and the feelings run very deep.
So the idea of separating from them might seem impossible or even wrong.
But keep in mind that you’re looking to stop loving them because it’s been hurting you too much.
Also remember that you distancing yourself from them does not invalidate your love for them!
It just means that loving them is not doing you any good.
In practical terms, distancing yourself means:
Meet them less frequently and eventually not at all
Text and call them less frequently and eventually stop
Don’t interact on social media and unfollow them
You might need to distance yourself from people they are connected to as well
I generally recommend doing this process gradually to give yourself time to disconnect slowly, but some prefer cutting all ties from one day to the next.
So do what feels right to you.
2. Remove Items That Remind You of Them
Depending on your relationship with them, there will be items and places that remind you of the person you love.
In order to stop loving them, you will need to stow away or remove the items, as well as no longer visit the places you associate with them.
So much so, that imagining a life without them seems impossible. But as hard as it may initially be, IT IS POSSIBLE.
Once you have distanced yourself, you will finally have a chance to reconnect with how YOU feel and what YOU want from your life independent of them.
My coaching clients actually find the step to be liberating, they experience it as a fresh slate of sorts, where they are free to start over again.
Whatever it is that you want from your life, who you want to be, how you want to feel, what you want to achieve…
This is your time to reconnect with all of that without bounds.
5. Speak to a Life Coach
A final step to get over someone you truly love is finding the support you need.
Whether that’s friends, family, or a life coach. They can give you the encouragement, support, and perspective you need to let go of someone you love but cannot be with.
Because you might otherwise find yourself spinning in circles and doubting your decision to stop loving them.
Another factor is how connected you were with this person.
You can think of relationships starting off as a single thread between two people…
As you get to know each other, spend time together and share intimate moments, you are adding additional threads, which are creating a growing rope that binds you.
So in order to stop loving them, you need to (at least some degree) undo some of that rope.
And as you do, your tie to them will fade, and you’ll be able to stop loving them.
3. How Much You Depend on This Person Pragmatically
Whether it’s about money, career or any other pragmatic aspect of life, if you depend on this person in any of these regards it will take longer to stop loving them.
Since you will need to REBUILD that area of your life independently of them in order to forget about them.
So, depending on these 3 factors and how pronounced they were in your relationship, it can take 6 months to as long as a few years to stop loving them.
Some of You Asked…
Why do we fall in love with someone we can’t have?
There are a few reasons for this.
One is that it may have not been clear that this person was someone you could not have.
In other cases we fall in love with someone we can’t have in an attempt to keep ourselves at a safe distance, in the hopes of never being hurt by love.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
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In a call, I’ll listen to your story and take your side. You’ll feel understood, and I’ll give you a clear strategy on how to not only make your wife feel respected, but also help you feel validated in your efforts.
