No Response Is a Response – 5 Things It Could Mean

No Response Is a Response – 5 Things It Could Mean

Photo by mikoto.raw

When you text someone and they don’t respond to you at all, it can feel very confusing.

You can sense that they are trying to tell you something, but you’re not one hundred percent sure what it is…

That’s because ‘no response’ is a response that can mean different things depending on circumstances.

Whether it’s your crush, the person you’re dating or your partner…

In this post, I’ll explain why they’re not answering (maybe leaving you on *read*) and what they’re trying to tell you by doing it.

Why No Response Is a Response

Before jumping into what ‘no response’ response means, let’s first outline why you should actually treat it as an answer.

When your message remains unanswered, it’s likely to leave you wanting some sort of closure.

You might be wondering: “Did they even see my message?”.

Sure, it might happen that they clicked on your text, got distracted and forgot about it.

Or that they somehow missed the notification.

But nine out of ten times it’s not going to be the case….

Generally speaking, when someone doesn’t respond or leaves another person on read, they do it on purpose.

So if a guy or a girl hasn’t answered your text, keep in mind that they are most likely fully aware of it and are doing it for an effect.

And they are choosing to do this to convey a message.

Even though, they might not be using words, their lack of response is in fact a response.

5 Different Things ‘No Response’ Response Could Mean

Even though ‘no response’ it’s a response, it doesn’t always mean the same thing.

Its meaning often depends on how the conversation was going beforehand, and also on what your relationship is like.

Here are five entirely different scenarios of what a ‘no response’ response could mean:

1. They Might Not Understand What You Want From Them

Things that might be clear as day to you, might be not at all clear to the person you’re texting with.

There are people out there who simply don’t get social cues or aren’t comfortable with small talk.

They might read your message and think to themselves: “I don’t understand what you want from me”.

And then choose to remain silent.

This kind of situation is more likely to happen when you’re just getting to know each other, but it can happen further down the line too.

It generally comes about after a longer period of silence, when your text was meant as a conversation starter.

If you’ve sent them an emoji, a meme, updated them about your day but didn’t ask any questions, or asked a question but didn’t add a question mark “?”, they might have read your message but simply didn’t get what you were trying to achieve with it.

“Do you even want a response?” -They might think…

If you feel like this could be the case for you, know that the best way to get out of this one is to simply start a conversation by getting to the point and asking a direct question.

Don’t beat around the bush and they’ll respond faster because they understand your intent.

2. They Might Not Know How to Respond

This is another classic misunderstanding that usually happens in the first months of dating.

When two people don’t know each other that well yet, they also don’t know how to read between the lines and respond to things….

Some people have a real block when it comes to being social, expressing things or reacting to messages.

They sort of freeze and just remain quiet.

This kind of ‘no response’ response is more likely to happen when the person you’re dating is either very shy or emotionally unavailable.

So if you texted them a joke, a meme, funny emojis etc, and they just left you on read, it’s possible that they are simply trying to communicate:

“I don’t know what to say to this”.

If this resonates with you, the best way to go about it is to back-paddle a little.

Scroll back to the time when they were responding and try to continue a conversation that was previously going well.

And if there isn’t one yet, just try to switch to another topic.

3. ‘No Response’ Response Could Mean “I’m Just Not Interested”

This is probably the toughest meaning of the ‘no response’ response.

It generally happens very early on.

Maybe you’ve only been chatting and have never even met yet. Or you’ve only met once or twice.

Another possibility is that you’ve known each other longer, but this person keeps on dropping in and out of your life.

Maybe they even ghosted you in the past.

This meaning of the ‘no response’ response can be a tough pill to swallow.

Rejection is always hard to deal with.

But there is no point wasting your time on someone who either isn’t serious or just isn’t into you.

It’s best to just cut your losses and move on.

4. They Might Need Space for Now

This kind of ‘no response’ response is more likely to happen further down the line in a relationship.

Maybe you’ve been dating for a couple of months now, everything has been great, you’re on good terms, texting daily and then suddenly your partner’s responses started becoming increasingly shorter…

…so much so, they might eventually stop responding entirely!

Their silence could be a non-verbal cue meaning: “I just need some space right now”.

When this happens, there is no need to panic, their ‘no response’ response doesn’t mean they changed their mind about you.

Maybe they’re just stressed about something or want some distance and alone time.

It’s normal for people to need to pull away after getting close sometimes.

If this fits your situation, don’t text your partner anymore.

Give them the space they’re requesting, maybe even wait for them to text you first.

5. ‘No Response’ Response Could Mean They’re Very Frustrated

This meaning of the ‘no response’ response applies to couples who have been together for a longer time, like months or years.

It often happens after or in the midst of a fight!

If you and your partner have been arguing a lot lately or even went through a breakup, but then you started talking and he or she just straight up ignored you, know that they might be thinking:

“I’m not getting into this again…”

Maybe they are really hurt and frustrated.

They also might be a bit lost for words and feel like they don’t want to repeat themselves or repeat the argument again.

You might be feeling this exact same way too…

If this is the ‘no response’ response situation you’re in, know that their silence doesn’t mean they don’t care about you anymore.

They are just communicating their frustration and also making it clear they don’t want to come your way at the moment.

The best thing to do in this situation, is to back off, think about your last conversation and try to regain your partner’s trust.

Alternatively, you also might want to try taking a little relationship break, so that both of you can clear your heads and cool off.

What to Do About ‘No Response’ Response

The exact best thing to do about a ‘no response’ response strongly depends on the situation you’re in.

However, there are some common approaches that will benefit you the most, no matter what.

Firstly, DON’T continue texting the same way you did before!

Regardless of whether you’re in the early stages of dating or have been together for a long time, you can’t force a person to change their mind. Moreover, attempting to do so will only push them further away.

Rethink your strategy and adapt your attitude instead.

Take your time to try to gain clarity on what the ‘no response’ response means in your case:

1. That they don’t understand what you want from them

2. That they don’t know how to respond

3. That they’re telling you “I’m just not interested”

4. That they need space for now

5. That they’re very frustrated

…and then take the steps we discussed.

If you still feel completely lost and unsure about your situation, we actually can help you with this in a coaching call.

Here we’ll listen carefully and ask clarifying questions, so that we can paint a full picture of what happened and why.

We will help you know for sure if there is still hope, or if it’s just a waste of time.

You’ll also get tips on what to do and how to respond to a ‘no response’ in a way that will restart the conversation and give you the best shot at making it work!

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

If your ‘no response’ response happened in the early stages of dating, you might be interested in reading my other post: The Real Truth About Why Men Ghost Women

But if you and your partner have been together for a long time, and still your messages remain unanswered, you might find this more helpful: Tired of Begging for Attention In Your Relationship? Here’s What to Do!

And in case you have any questions, leave me a comment below, and I’ll get back to you.

Karolina

The Best Relationship Affirmations for Love and Connection

The Best Relationship Affirmations for Love and Connection

Photo by Charlotte May

Relationship affirmations are a great way to help you manifest more of what you want in your love life.

Because let’s be honest…

Our relationships often unfold very differently than the way we expect or hope them to.

And sometimes the difficulties we’re faced with can leave us feeling defeated by all the negative voices.

We all experience relationship doubts and maybe even hopelessness.

But what we need in these moments is to be reminded of why love is WORTH fighting for.

To assert that you’re not giving up and clearly state your desires.

This is where relationship affirmations come in.

They will remind you of all the great efforts you are already making AND get you in touch with additional relationship aspirations, that’ll help you feed the positivity.

What Are Relationship Affirmations

In case you’re new to affirmations:

Affirmations are positive statements that help you focus on the outcomes you desire.

So in the context of relationships, they are the affirmations for the love and connection we all crave.

Another way to think about them is as a counter force to negative thoughts about your relationship.

The affirmations keep the negativity at bay and reinforce all the good stuff instead.

I’ve structured the best affirmations into types, so that you can scroll straight to the ones that you need the most.

And without further ado, here are some of the most powerful affirmations for you, to manifest the relationship you want.

Relationship Affirmation Types:

  • Healthy Relationship Affirmations
  • Happy Relationship Affirmations
  • Lasting Relationship Affirmations
  • Romantic Relationship Affirmations
  • Commitment Affirmations
  • Marriage Affirmations

Healthy Relationship Affirmations

  1. I balance mine and my partner’s needs
  2. I am strong enough to face our relationship challenges
  3. I take time and space from my relationship when I need it
  4. I listen to my own and my partner’s needs
  5. I will be honest and open with my partner
  6. My partner and I share a deep harmonious bond
  7. We keep our relationship healthy and nurture it
  8. We communicate truthfully and lovingly
  9. We accept our relationship as imperfect but continue to learn and grow
  10. Our relationship is built on honesty and trust

Happy Relationship Affirmations

  1. I deserve happiness in my relationship
  2. I choose to build on the positivity in our relationship
  3. I feel happy and smile when I think of him
  4. I am grateful for the peace and stability we share
  5. I am happy to give and receive love
  6. I am worthy of abundant happiness
  7. My relationship gives me a sense of safety and feeling content
  8. My partner and I make our happiness a top priority
  9. My partner and I deserve all the imaginable joy in our relationship
  10. Our journey is towards a harmonious & happy relationship

Lasting Relationship Affirmations

  1. I will do my best to support and love my partner
  2. I put my relationship and happiness first
  3. I appreciate our lasting love
  4. My partner and I stand by each other
  5. My partner and I accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses
  6. My partner and I openly communicate our desires and boundaries
  7. We get through the tough times by supporting each other
  8. We deserve a fulfilling, happy and lasting relationship
  9. Our relationship bond will last a lifetime
  10. Our love is greater than the challenges we face

Romantic Relationship Affirmations

  1. I deserve love, affection and romance in my relationship
  2. I make gestures of romance and appreciation for my partner
  3. I am inspired to show my love through romantic gestures
  4. I am worthy of receiving romantic gestures
  5. I allow time for creating romantic evenings with my partner
  6. I notice the small romantic moments in our everyday relationship
  7. Romance strengthens and deepens the bond with my partner
  8. We love the spontaneity romance brings to our relationship
  9. Our relationship grows through romance
  10. Our relationship is like an epic romantic tale with a happy end

Commitment Affirmations

  1. I am wholeheartedly committed to my relationship
  2. I am happy and secure in my relationship
  3. I trust my partner and my partner trusts me
  4. With every passing year, I am happier in my relationship
  5. My partner and I choose to commit to our relationship
  6. We are meant to be together
  7. The love in our relationship is boundless
  8. Nothing can come between our relationship
  9. Our relationship is built on respect and loyalty
  10. Our commitment to each other only grows deeper

Marriage Affirmations

  1. I nurture and protect our marriage
  2. I love and cherish my spouse
  3. I seek moments to express my love and appreciation
  4. I choose to stand by my spouse
  5. We treat each other better than when we first met
  6. We are happily married
  7. We meet each other’s needs
  8. We continue to treat each other with respect and appreciation
  9. Our marriage is committed to truth and love
  10. Our marriage can withstand anything

Do Affirmations Work for Relationships

Now, some of you might be wondering whether reading relationship affirmations can really invoke the positive change you wish for.

Reminding yourself of what you want in your relationship and focusing on those values with affirmations helps in the following ways:

  • It keeps you focused on what is working
  • You stay in touch with your relationship goals
  • Your focus is on the positive instead of the negative

Simply put, relationship affirmations are a tool to visualize the relationship you want.

And just like learning ways to tell him you love him, they contribute to a happy relationship.

But the truth is, that affirmations alone are not enough.

Yes, it is important to not get lost in doubts and endless negative thoughts, and that’s where affirmations can help as a positive counter force.

But if you’re facing a stubborn recurring relationship problem, at some point you’ll need to deal with it.

That’s unfortunately not something affirmations can fix.

Otherwise, it’ll slowly eat away at your relationship from the inside, until there’s nothing left to salvage.

Now, I get that confronting relationship difficulties can be terrifying.

But much like relationship affirmations are a tool to stay positive…

There are also relationship tools to help you deal with the negative, in a way that makes them feel manageable.

This is what we teach in our Rebuild Your Relationship course.

Here we explain to you how and why relationship problems occur and most importantly how you can finally solve them.

We take you step-by-step through our own journey and teach you the most powerful tools and methods to eradicate the negativity in your relationship.

Karolina and I still use these tools to this day in our own relationship!

And it’s what makes all the challenges we face together feel manageable.

If you’re interested to find out more, click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

I hope you found these affirmations inspiring and helpful, if you’d like more to read on a related topic, maybe you want to check out: How to Use 5 Love Languages to Fix Your Relationship.

Also, let me know what your favorite affirmations are in the comments section!

Gabriel

7 Fun and Romantic Road Trip Games for Couples

7 Fun and Romantic Road Trip Games for Couples

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read our disclosure for additional info.

Photo by Karsten Winegeart

Wondering how to make a couple road trip fun?

Maybe you’re worried you’ll be bored or not know what to talk about on a long drive with your significant other.

But, no need to worry anymore, I’ve got you covered.

These road trip games for couples will keep both of you so entertained, you’ll even forget to fight about directions.

All the games listed here are 100% suitable to be played in the car. They will require just the right amount of your attention to make sure you’re both having fun, without compromising your safety.

Some games here have a flirty and romantic vibe, so they might even turn your road trip into a drive date.

Here is a list of all the best road trip games for couples out there:

1. TableTopics to Go Road Trip


TableTopics is a series of card games suitable for couples as well as families. They’re a deck of card with thought-provoking, fun conversation starters.

This particular set is designed to be played on a road trip. It’s full of travel and driving related questions.

And the perfect thing to do with your boyfriend on a long car drive. It will set the mood for adventure and let you and your partner share your road trip related memories and preferences.

You’re bound to learn new things about each other and have lots of fun.

This is actually a family card game. So you can also play it with your kids or a group of friends.

It’s a set of 40 three by three inches cards with one question on each of them. They come in a nice small box, perfect for keeping it in the glove compartment.

Click here to see TableTopics to GO Road Trip

2. TableTopics Destination Anywhere


This is another set of cards from the TableTopics series. This one is much larger, contains 135 cards with questions, all evolving around the topic of travelling.

Just like the previous set, these cards are three by three inches and come in a neat acrylic box.

It’s a really fun road trip game for couples, but also for families and groups of friends. So you can use it on multiple occasions.

Playing this game you’ll learn about each other’s preferences, interests and travel dreams. You’ll get to exchange fun memories related to travelling.

It’s a perfect game to make a long drive fun.

Even though this set is not explicitly romantic, it can definitely deepen your bond with your partner.

Travelling is a topic most people are passionate about. That’s why this game can bring you two closer and maybe even reignite some sparks.

All the new things you’ll be learning about each other will make you feel like you’re on a drive date.

Click here to see TableTopics Destination Anywhere

3. After Dinner Amusements: Travel Trivia


After Dinner Amusements is another series of card games with questions. This set contains lots of fun and interesting facts about world geography and culture.

This is a set of 50 2.5 by 2.5 inch cards that comes in a tiny tin box.

If you or your partner are a bit of a nerd, this is the perfect choice for you. You can test each other’s knowledge with this and learn new things together.

Much like the previous road trip games, this one is suitable for kids, so you can also use it on long drives with family or friends.

Click here to see After Dinner Amusements: Travel Trivia

4. After Dinner Amusements: Which Would You Choose?


This is another deck of cards from the After Dinner Amusements series. Much like the previous set, this one contains 50 2.5 by 2.5 inch cards.

Just that there are no trivia questions here. This game consist of 50 though provoking, funny dilemmas.

It’s a perfect activity for a couple road trip!

It will make you laugh, and you might even discover some shocking truths about each other.

Click here to see After Dinner Amusements: Which Would You Choose?

5. Word Teasers Speaking of Love


This road trip game for couples is definitely more on the romantic side. It absolutely has the potential to transform a long car ride into an exciting drive date.

This deck contains 150 cards with questions about love. It’s not a trivia game, but the cards do actually have answers on the back.

It’s meant to be used as a conversation starter with your significant other. You can compare each other views on topics related to romance and get to know new things about each other.

After having a lengthy conversation, you can then glimpse at the back of the card and compare your though and opinions with scientific facts or thoughtful quotes.

It’s a great choice that will certainly make a long drive fun and romantic.

Click here to see Word Teasers Speaking of Love

6. Our Moments Couples


This is an extremely popular and one of my personal favorite card games for couples. This set has been designed to be played with your significant other.

It’s a deck of 100 cards, each one of them with a question that will make you learn new things about your partner and feel closer and more connected to him/her.

Unlike the other sets, this one actually contains some questions about sex and intimacy. It has a lot of potential for some serious flirting….

It’s a perfect pick if you’re looking for a deep, romantic and flirty game to make a long drive pass faster.

Click here to see Our Moments Couples

7. …I Should Have Known That!


This is another fun trivia game that is bound to keep both of you entertained on a road trip.

It’s a relatively large and very popular set of 100 cards with a total of 400 trivia questions.

The concept of this game is to test you on all the things you should know about.

There is actually a scoring system in this game. So if you’re a competitive couple, this will probably be your cup of tea!

There are lots of funny, creative questions in this set. It’s perfect road trip entertainment for a couple, family or friends.

Click here to see …I Should Have Known That!

Hope you enjoyed my selection of best fun and romantic road trip games for couples!

I’ve been trying to uncover most road trip suitable travel themed choices for this article. But also picked quite a few light-hearted, playful games suitable to be played with friends and families.

However, if you liked the more though-provoking, romantic decks that are meant exclusively for couples, I’ve reviewed even more of these kinds of connection card games in: Top 10 Date Night Games To Get To Know Your Partner

If you have any question or have some better ideas on what to do on a long car ride with your boyfriend or girlfriend, leave me a comment below.

Happy road trip!

Karolina

Tired of Begging for Attention In Your Relationship? Here’s What to Do!

Tired of Begging for Attention In Your Relationship? Here’s What to Do!

Photo by Kyle Broad

No wonder you’re tired of begging for attention in your relationship, having to constantly beg your boyfriend or husband for any proof of love and care is absolutely exhausting!

Maybe you’re so frustrated with this situation, it makes you question if he cares about you at all….

Or worse yet, his absent-mindedness and rejection is already taking a toll on your confidence and making you feel like perhaps you’re the one who is doing something wrong.

Regardless of what your situation is exactly, know that you’re not alone with this!

I, too, used to have a really hard time getting the attention I wanted and needed from my boyfriend, friends or even my family.

And first off, I want to reassure you: there is a way out of this!

You can break out of this vicious cycle of having to constantly beg for attention and never actually getting enough of it.

In this post, let’s talk about why we feel like we have to beg for attention and how to fix it.

Why Do I Have to Beg for Attention

If you’re feeling tired of having to beg for attention the whole time, you’re likely also lost as to how it’s come to this.

That’s why I’ll start off explaining what is going on in relationships that face this very problem.

The direct reason you feel like you have to beg for attention, is because you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get it for a while now and feel like begging for it is all you have left!

In other words, your partner isn’t giving you the attention you need.

But why is it sometimes SO HARD to get enough love and care from your significant other?!

The answer to this question is likely not what you’d expect.

There are two main factors that cause people to become so desperate that they resort to begging for attention in a relationship:

1. Your Partner Is Blind to Your Needs

Yes, that’s right. It’s not that he doesn’t care about you.

It’s very likely that he simply doesn’t understand the things you’re needing from him.

For example, I wanted to feel like I’m more important to my boyfriend than his job, and that was a bit of an alien concept to him.

I had to explain it for a long time and in great detail for him to be able to get what I was needing from him and why.

Which brings me to the second big factor that is likely contributing to you feeling tired of having to beg for his attention…

2. You Might Not Be Communicating Your Needs in a Way He Can Understand

When we’re in a romantic relationship, we often feel so close to our boyfriend or husband, we tend to assume that they know what we’re thinking.

These kinds of assumptions could not be further from the truth!

Unfortunately, loving each other doesn’t mean you can read each other’s mind.

To make matters worse, us women typically just hint at what we want in the hopes that our boyfriend or husband will catch on…

…and when he doesn’t, we jump to conclusions, get upset and feel like we have to start begging for things.

The thing is, sending subtle hints and expecting your partner to read your mind are both extremely ineffective at actually getting what you want from him.

So, the second big reason why you’ve been forced to beg for his attention, could be that you don’t yet know how to ask for it in a way your partner can understand and respect.

This brings me to my next point:

Is It Okay to Ask For Attention in a Relationship?

I used to resort to the hinting technique in the past too.

I did it because I believed that straight-up asking for what I wanted would make me seem desperate or needy.

In reality, the opposite is true.

It’s leaving hints and subtle messages, that leads to us eventually having to beg for attention.

Which definitely makes us look desperate and needy!

So yes, it’s okay to ask for attention in a relationship!

In fact, it’s more than ok, it’s what can give you the best chances at actually getting attention!

How to Stop Begging for Attention

Now that you know why you had to beg for his attention and that it’s okay to simply ask for it, we can finally get to the most important part of this article.

Here, I’ll cover strategies you can use to break your patterns and actually get your boyfriend or husband to give you what you need:

1. Know That Your Needs Matter

The fact that you’ve been forced to beg for attention, likely made you doubt yourself and feel like maybe you’re asking too much.

In order to break out of this hurtful situation, you need to discard these kinds of doubts.

Everybody needs and deserves attention.

Knowing that your needs matter, are justified and important will make it much easier for you to stop begging and start communicating things instead.

2. Ask For What You Want

Now that you remember that your need for attention matters and is justified, there is nothing standing in your way to simply ask for what you want.

Don’t expect your boyfriend or husband to read your mind or get your hints.

Be as clear and straightforward as you can instead.

Explain things and repeat yourself if needs be. Try to get him to listen and understand what you’re wanting and why you’re wanting it.

3. Prepare for His Resistance

It is unfortunate, but don’t expect things to go smoothly at first.

Trying to communicate a need to your boyfriend or husband, who might be entirely blind to them, is not going to be easy.

He is likely going to be defensive when you start telling him how you feel.

Don’t let his attitude silence you again. You deserve to get what you want from him.

4. Set Boundaries if He Discards or Ignores Your Needs

What’s even worse than him being defensive about you wanting his attention, is him discarding your needs and making you feel like you’re being unreasonable.

Don’t let him get away with it.

Set boundaries when necessary and make him experience that his choices have consequences.

5. Stay Strong and Don’t Give Up

Stopping yourself from begging for love is not going to happen from one day onto the next.

It’s more of a process rather than a sudden change.

Keep trying, celebrate every little victory and most importantly, don’t give up!

Stopping to beg for love and attention is not easy. It’s not something I would have never managed all by myself…

But there are many resources out there that can help you become better and better at asking and insisting on what you want.

If you’re looking for more in depth information on how to get more of what you want from your partner, be sure to check out our online course: Rebuild Your Relationship

My boyfriend, Gabriel and I worked on it together. In it,  you’ll find all the tools I actually personally used in our relationship to get his attention.

You’ll learn what to say and how to say it, in a way that will finally get you the love and care you crave from him.

We’ll also give you a step-by-step guide on how to set boundaries in case he keeps on ignoring or discarding your needs.

If you’d like to learn more about our course, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

I hope you now have a better understanding of why you’ve been begging for attention and know what to do, to stop it in your relationship.

If you have any questions about this post or about our course, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you.

In case you’re looking for more tips on how to get him to take you seriously, you might want to check out our other article: 4 Steps to Make Him Worry About Losing You

Karolina

How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship

How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship

Photo by Afif Kusuma

Since you’re asking, how often do couples fight, you’re likely in the same position we were once in:

You’re fighting too often, feel frustrated (maybe even given up), and want to know what a ‘normal amount’ of fighting in a relationship actually is.

If so, then you’re in the right place.

Karolina and I used to fight A LOT in our relationship. Like too much.

Honestly, it was absolutely exhausting.

We both felt so drained with the repeating arguments.

And fighting for HOURS on end seemed to go nowhere and only left us feeling even worse and discouraged about the future of our relationship…

But more on that later.

Let’s first get to that burning question of yours, ‘How often do couples fight?’

To be clear, when we say “Fight” we mean an emotional, often heated argument.

So we’re not talking about small disagreements over who’s getting the milk today or briefly bickering over what series to watch.

I mean ACTUAL arguments that leave you feeling bitter, hurt or angry.

Now that that’s clarified, based on working with our clients and the thousands of emails and comments we get from you guys:

On average, couples fight 1 to 3 times per week.

Which means couples fight as often as 130 times in a year.

But that might not help you much…

Since you’re likely here, because you want to fight LESS in your relationship.

That’s the goal, right?

So let’s figure out how to do that, and along the way we’ll answer the questions we’ve heard from all of you:

  • Is fighting necessary in a relationship?
  • What is a healthy amount of fighting?
  • And finally, How do I stop fighting with my partner?

Is Fighting Necessary in a Relationship

The short answer is: Yes, fighting is often necessary for couples.

Why?

Because a relationship is two people that are doing their best to support, love and take care of each other’s needs…

AND we’re all pretty terrible at communicating & negotiating our needs.

So instead of having a courteous exchange and compromising where necessary, things tend to escalate into full-blown fights, fueled by misunderstanding, fear and buried trauma.

So fighting is the NEXT BEST THING we do, to try and have our needs met in a relationship…

Even if it sometimes raises concerns about whether it’s maybe a love-hate relationship.

Now, you might also be wondering if there are couples who never fight?

And yes, there are.

But the couples who never fight, are unfortunately also often the very ones who make the mistake of believing that not quarrelling means that everything is okay.

They later experience breakups that seemingly come out of nowhere!

Which is sad, because their relationship could have been fixed sooner.

But given that their true feelings were swept under the rug for TOO LONG, it turns out one (or both) partners were secretly terribly unhappy for years.

I can’t begin to tell you how many of our coaching calls have revolved around this very issue.

So a relationship without arguments is rarely healthy; not fighting does NOT necessarily equal a happy couple.

When a couple fights, they typically have better chances of staying together, because they’re at least trying to talk about their unmet needs.

Which means even happy couples can have phases of often fighting in their relationships.

Having said all of that, it doesn’t mean you can’t reduce the amount of fighting and HOW you fight in your relationship to make it more bearable!

What Is a Healthy Amount of Fighting in a Relationship

So if you’re in a situation that has you asking whether it’s normal to fight every day in a relationship, the answer is: No, fighting every day is not normal and definitely on the intense side.

But if you’re both working through some bigger issues or challenges, and you’re fighting every day for just one week, that’s understandable!

(Be sure to say these phrases to smoothen things out afterwards)

When Karolina and I made big life-changing decisions (Like transitioning from our old jobs to working on our blog full-time) we also had a more intense phase of fighting, which gradually died out as our lives stabilized again.

And that is what your own fighting pattern might sometimes look like too.

You have a few months of peaceful harmony, followed by a week or two of fighting more often.

And depending on how big the issue is that you’re working through, a relationship fight can last from an hour, to as long as a few days!

But the best way to know how often you should be fighting with your partner, is to think of it in terms of ratio instead of time.

(Because it’s not always the same, some months you’ll fight less and others more)

This means that it’s not about the hours or days you spend fighting, but how much of your overall time is spent fighting, vs. how often you’re enjoying each other’s company:

An average healthy amount of fighting in a relationship is anything up to 25% of your time together.

So that the remaining 75% is then about all the good stuff, like going on dates, connecting, having fun, even taking on life together with shared responsibilities!

…Now, some of you might be thinking:

If the amount of fighting is far above 25%, should you quit a relationship?

And the answer is not necessarily.

You don’t need to end a relationship if you’re fighting a lot.

Because issues can be worked out, and you can learn to talk to your partner in ways that don’t keep things calm.

If you’re concerned that your relationship might be truly toxic though, then you might want to read our post: 
5 Things 
That Need 
to Change 
for a Toxic
 Relationship
 to Get Better.

How Do I Stop Fighting With My Partner

So far we’ve talked about how arguing is often necessary in relationships because it’s how we try to express and have our needs met.

It’s not perfect, but it’s typically the best we can do at the time!

We’ve also covered how often you should be fighting in a range that is still considered healthy, which is no more than a ¼ of your time.

Now, in order to stop fighting with your partner (or dramatically reduce fighting), you need to have a new mindset about conflicts and learn some powerful relationship skills.

Starting with:

1. Improve Your Communication Skills

Yes, the age-old cliché.

You’ve heard it often before, and I guarantee it won’t be the last time.

Because being able to communicate in a way that makes your partner listen is one of the best first steps you can take to reduce how often you have disagreements with them.

Many people just argue the way they saw their parents do it, and that remains the unquestioned standard throughout their lives.

But our parents didn’t have it all figured out.

There’s plenty of room to grow, even if it’s just a few minutes spent on learning easy 3 communication hacks.

Little efforts towards skills like these will already help couples reduce how frequently they fight.

2. Identify the Root Cause

When couples fight, they often get stuck in shallow arguments and never identify the root cause (The underlying problem that is actually creating the argument!)

It might often start with you feeling upset about something and you try to express it.

Your partner takes it personally and gets upset about what you expressed.

Which in turn upsets you, because you don’t feel understood and he’s gone and made it about himself again!

And on and on it goes…

Things gradually escalate until emotions are running so high, that you’re either screaming at each other or silently brooding.

And even though an hour or more might have passed, there’s still NO RESOLUTION!

Everybody is just frustrated, angry and hurt.

This is because the attention was on the surface problems. (and often trying to ‘win’ the fight or ‘be right’)

But if you can redirect your focus on identifying the root cause which is driving the argument, you can stop fighting much sooner and actually solve it!

For example, once when we were travelling, Karolina asked if she could take a nap while I drove. I said of course, but while she was asleep, I missed our exit on the highway, which caused a whopping 1-hour detour.

We fought about it and got nowhere, until we started focusing on identifying the root cause.

And it turned out that it was actually about Karolina feeling like she couldn’t relax and trust anyone but herself with responsibility.

She felt alone with it and was afraid that she always had to stay alert and couldn’t trust others.

Root cause: Her need for feeling safe was not met.

3. Address the Root Cause

Once this was clear, we could focus on and address her unmet need instead of endlessly blaming and arguing with each other.

We could finally SOLVE the fight.

Phew, what a relief!

So we had a long discussion about Karolina’s unmet need and found ways to help her feel more safe.

She was happy, I was happy and we could get back to enjoying our trip.

In conclusion, if you take this kind of approach, you won’t fight as often.

You’ll also save yourself the pain and won’t have to walk away from an argument feeling hurt or defeated.

Honestly, these arguments were such a pain for us, they actually lead to multiple breakups. But once we understood the underlying mechanism driving our fights, things started to work for us.

And because we saw so many couples struggling with the same patterns, it actually motivated us to create our Rebuild Your Relationship course.

Here, we show you the exact steps we took to stop fighting in our own relationship and teach the true-and-tried methods we both apply in our relationship to this day.

We break down why fights happen and how to get to the root cause fast. So that you can dramatically reduce how often you argue and enjoy your time together instead.

If that sounds like something that can help you, be sure to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

Otherwise, there are plenty of other posts on our blog that you can browse to inform yourself about all sorts of relationship topics, including one you might find relevant: Your Boyfriend Fights With You on Every Small Issue? Here Is What to Do!

Got any questions that remain unanswered? Let me know in the comments section!

Gabriel

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Miss You

Do Emotionally Unavailable Men Miss You

Photo by Mart Production

Yes, emotionally unavailable men do miss their partner.

But as you may know from your own experience, getting him to feel or admit that he misses you, can feel like an endless uphill struggle.

It’s something my fiancée Karolina used to complain about A LOT with me, especially during our breakups…

Because guess what?

I used to be an extremely emotionally unavailable man too.

That’s why I want to talk about this difficult topic with you, because whether it’s about discovering the traits of emotionally unavailable men, noticing the signs that he misses you or if he’ll ever wake up to what he’s lost…

All of these things matter to not only understanding your position and value in his life, but will also answer the question of how you fix emotional distance in a relationship.

(if that’s something you still want)

And that’s exactly what we’ll cover in this post, by sharing some of Karolina’s and my story with you and how you can apply the lessons we learned to your own life.

What Are the Traits of an Emotionally Unavailable Man?

You may think you’re alone with your emotionally unavailable guy, but us men are, unfortunately, not as original as you might think.

A lot of us carry very similar emotional baggage from our pasts that we’re too afraid to unpack and face.

And this has a DEEP negative impact on our relationships.

So let’s first start with identifying 5 signs of emotional detachment in men that you might recognize from your own relationship:

1. He Has a Hard Time Committing to You

Whether it’s about long-term future plans or the often dreaded ‘What are we?’ question.

Anything Karolina would say that would suggest commitment to our relationship would scare the living hell out of me!

Now, the exact reason behind that, is a longer conversation.

But in short, it’s driven by a deeply seated fear of abandonment.

So I would stay emotionally detached in an effort to AVOID the dreadful outcome of the relationship not working out.

And as you might have experienced yourself, his fear then creates the very outcome he’s TRYING TO AVOID.

Which in turn makes him think that having his emotional guard up is justified and reinforces it.

And It sucks!

For both of you.

2. He Gives You Mixed Messages

To make matters even more confusing for Karolina, after struggling with commitment, I would then say or do things that made her feel appreciated and that I was serious.

Like randomly texting her that I miss her…

So naturally she was all: “Which IS IT then????

These kinds of mixed messages tie back to the fact that I myself was unaware of my attachment towards her.

So if you’re wondering how to tell if a guy is confused about his feelings for you, it’s likely a sign that he’s just emotionally lost and unavailable.

3. He Often Judges Your Emotions as ‘Overreacting’

I was raised in an environment that vehemently shamed the expression of emotions or needs.

When this is your standard in your formative years, it becomes your ‘normal’.

And also plays a big part in what causes emotional detachment.

This means that when Karolina was emotional about something, the only way I could react to what she said was in the SAME WAY my parents treated me.

Which was to diminish, ignore and judge her expressing her emotions as ‘overreacting’.

So if your partner gets defensive when you tell him how you feel, consider it a trait of an emotionally reclusive man with an emotionally oppressed backstory.

4. He Regularly Withdraws or Goes Into Hiding

When there was too big of an emotional load on me and I didn’t know how to cope with it, the solution was simple:

Go hide.

If you know this behavior from your own relationship, then you’ll have seen him bury himself in work, binge the latest Netflix series, be on his phone for hours on end or any other form of withdrawal to escape the crushing load of scary emotions.

Karolina actually wrote a really helpful post on this: Why Men Pull Away and How to Get Them to Stop Doing It.

5. He Doesn’t Notice That He’s Emotionally Unavailable

Lastly, but no less important, is that he’s likely UNAWARE of the fact he is emotionally unavailable.

As mentioned, to me it was the standard (or lack thereof) that was set in my childhood, that led me to being blind to emotional needs.

In the same way, many people go through their own lives being taught that their emotions are invalid, non-existent, stupid, etc.

Overtime, these lies become ingrained, and you accept them as truths.

THIS is what causes emotional unavailability and is what you’ll experience as some traits, which put a giant wrench in the gears of what could otherwise be a happy relationship.

So these are 5 traits of emotionally unavailable men to help you know what you’re dealing with.

Next, let’s talk about the, often cryptic, ways in which he might be telling you that he misses you.

5 Signs An Emotionally Unavailable Man Misses You

The problem with emotionally detached men is that they make it INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to read them and know what’s going on inside their heads and hearts.

So if your relationship is going through a tumultuous time or you guys broke up and there’s little contact, here are signs to help you know that he actually misses you.

1. He’s Let You Into His Life

Even though Karolina and I hit some big roadblocks in our relationship due to me being emotionally distant…

I did actually involve and let her into my life.

So if your (ex)partner has introduced you to his friends, his family or made you feel at home when you were at his place, then these are ways in which he’s talking through his actions rather than words.

(Because words might involve scary emotions.)

A man who does this, has placed enough trust and value in his partner to let her into his life this much, which makes you someone he definitely cares about and misses.

2. He Helps You Where He Can

Despite his emotional limitations, he’ll do what he can to help with things he actually CAN DO.

I may have been emotionally unavailable, but I often made gestures that clearly communicated that I was interested in Karolina and wanted her in my life.

Even after our breakups.

Whether it was helping out with an assignment, checking in on her when she was sick or the classic, carrying heavy things for her.

So distant men find OTHER WAYS to communicate that they value and miss you, typically by helping where they can.

3. He Makes Some Effort to Change

Despite all the exhausting and heartbreaking arguments we had about emotional distance, I always TRIED.

I made conscious efforts to be more available and talk about my past and why I struggled with emotional attachments.

One of the ways to tell if an emotionally unavailable man loves you, is if he has made these kinds of efforts (as small as they may be!) know that this is a definite sign he’ll miss you!

4. He’s Been Vulnerable With You

As we talked about, the reason many men are emotionally unavailable is that they are terrified of being abandoned and rejected again.

They’ve been taught that their emotions are not valid and don’t exist.

So if he’s been vulnerable with you, by showing his ‘softer side’ through words, texts or even just facial expressions, then it’s another sign he’ll miss you terribly.

Because no emotionally unavailable man willingly displays vulnerability unless you’ve successfully earned his trust.

5. He Calls or Texts You

When men are having second thoughts or are trying to move on, they’ll resist contacting you.

So if he makes an effort to text or call you, maybe ‘Just wanted to see how you’re doing?’ or ask something like ‘What’s new?

Then he most certainly is thinking about you and misses you.

There are of course additional ways in which a man will express that he loves you, which you don’t want to miss.

Will He Ever Realize What He Lost?

If you and your man broke up, then you can be left with many doubts and questions.

One of which is whether emotionally unavailable men ever regret losing you and if it’s possible that he will come back?

I’ll tell you from my own experience and understanding that I have today…

…that I deeply regret the breakups with Karolina.

And that I honestly wouldn’t know what I would have done without her, if she’d moved on at the time.

But the sad truth is that because of being conditioned to be emotionally detached, we often DON’T EVEN realize we’re feeling all these things!

And puts both you and him in a painful situation…

It’s like you want to share all the love you have for each other, but there’s a BIG stupid glass wall keeping you apart!

So you might be wondering, what are the signs he will come back? Or how do you make him realize what he lost?

The cold, hard fact is that an emotionally unavailable man often doesn’t realize he’s made a mistake until it’s too late…

The wake-up call doesn’t HIT THEM until you’ve truly moved on.

And some unfortunately chose to remain emotionally isolated their entire lives…

BUT I don’t want you to lose hope just yet!

Let’s talk about how you can try to CONNECT with him.

How Do You Connect With an Emotionally Unavailable Man?

We’ve talked about the 5 traits of emotionally unavailable men, the 5 signs that he misses you, and whether he’ll realize what he’s lost.

So how do you win an emotionally unavailable man?

I won’t lie to you, it’s difficult!

Karolina can attest to how nerve wracking it was with me, (but I also might just be particularly stubborn!)

But it IS DOABLE.

So in case you’re wondering whether emotional detachment is permanent, no IT IS NOT!

But in order to get through to him, you need to equip yourself with a couple of things:

Patience

Yeah, I know, cliché isn’t it?

But it’s true!

And yes, waiting sucks, especially if you’ve already been waiting for SO LONG!

But if you lose too much patience and push him, he’ll only use it as evidence to justify keeping himself emotionally hostage.

So do what you can, to remain understanding of his internal struggle with feelings and support him on his journey to gradually opening up.

We like to emphasize that every relationship problem has layers (yes, just like an onion) and you need to patiently peel away at them, one at a time, to get to the root cause.

And if you’re at your patience limit, take a break and give him space the right way, so there is no distance being created.

Earn His Trust

If he’s ever going to get over his emotional unavailability, he’s going to need someone who he knows to count on.

If you’re the brave soul willing to go on this trip with him, you’ve already earned my respect.

And one of the best ways to bring him closer, is to build trust with him.

Again, just like with an onion, there are many layers of trust you can build, so don’t think of it as a one off, but as an ongoing process.

And the more you earn his trust, the more he’ll finally become emotionally available.

Learn His Story

Just like I’ve shared some of my story and journey with you, your partner will have his own story to tell.

It’s likely buried in a lot of shame and past secrets that he himself might not even properly remember!

But an important part of his healing process to become emotionally available for you will come from gradually trusting you with his story.

In his story, the root cause that’s driving his emotional detachment will become apparent and can be resolved.

This is actually something we talk a lot about in our Rebuild Your Relationship course.

In it, we explain why relationship problems, like emotional unavailability, happen and go into detail about how to connect with him in a way that opens him up, instead of triggering his defenses.

This way he can feel safe to trust you with his feelings and you can finally have emotional intimacy you deserve. 

If that sounds like something that might help you, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

Karolina and I have also written plenty of blog posts you guys can check out, including a post you might find helpful: How to Get an Emotionally Unavailable Man to Open Up

I hope this article gave you some clarity and insight.

If you have any thoughts or questions you’d like to share, just leave them in the comments section, and I’ll get back to you.

Gabriel