Contempt in relationships can lead to a lot of pain. Being on the receiving end of it is bound to eat away at your confidence and shut you down.
And when you’re the one who can’t keep your own contemptuous behaviors in check, they’ll only end up making you feel isolated and like you can never have what you want.
But, even though contempt in relationships is such a serious issue, it can be incredibly hard to spot.
We’ve been all conditioned to ignore mean comments and ‘just let them go’.
People also have a tendency to minimize their own damaging behaviors and play down their negative influence on others.
Life and relationships are messy.
We all have our own shortcomings and make mistakes. That’s how we then end up hurting the ones closest to us, without ever intending to do so.
In this blog post, I will shed some light on this difficult topic. I’ll describe how to spot contempt in relationships and what causes it.
I’ll also give you tips on how to get past it and actually fix it for good.
What Is Contemptuous Behavior and How to Spot It (With Examples)
Contempt in relationships can be so hard to spot because the person resorting to it will paint you out as the one who is exaggerating, being unreasonable or can’t take a joke.
Nonetheless, you can recognize it by checking in with yourself.
Contemptuous behavior is seeking to actively dismiss, minimize or mock your partner.
However, contempt is more like counter attacking than just being defensive.
How to Spot Contempt in Relationships When You’re on the Receiving End of It
If you tried communicating something to your partner, and they shot you down in a way that made you rejected and dismissed, it’s a sign their reaction was one of contempt.
Here is an example of this:
“Why are you brining this up again? You’re so needy and difficult. All you ever think of is yourself!”
But the main difference between defensiveness and contempt is that the latter feels far more hurtful and is very damaging.
It can also come as a direct attack from your partner:
When they try communicating something to you but do it in a way that makes you feel broken, inferior or defeated, then most likely you’ve been experiencing contempt in your relationship.
Examples:
“I asked you for this ONE thing. Is it really that difficult to once do what I asked for?”
Or
“You never have sex with me. Do you want me to go and find somebody else who will?”
How to Spot Contempt in Relationships When You’re the One Doing It
When you’re on the giving end of contempt, there are a few common triggers for it.
One type of situations that might make you react in this damaging way is:
When something your partner said to you seems so outrageous or threatening, it makes you lash out to quickly shut them down.
When this happens, then chances are you’ve been responding in a contemptuous way.
Examples:
“You need me to be more affectionate? Are you like a five-year-old looking for a mommy to give him a kiss and a pat on the back? Grow up!”
“I can’t take all your complaints! You’re so high maintenance! Nothing is ever good enough for you!”
Another common trigger for contempt is when you’re needing something from your partner, but feel offended that you have to even ask for it.
You might think they should have given it to you already, and have a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that they didn’t.
Example:
“Do I really need to repeat myself for a millionth time? You really just don’t care about me at all, do you?”
What Does It Mean When You Feel Contempt for Your Partner
Contempt in relationships is a difficult topic to face. It’s hard enough to spot it when you’re on the receiving end of it. But seeing and admitting that you might be the one doing it, is even tougher.
This is why I want to make one thing clear:
We all have issues and shortcomings. Nobody has a perfect track record. We’re also all quick to judge and dismiss others sometimes.
However, in order to be able to get past it, both of you need to realize that acting contemptuous towards someone, it has more to do with YOU than it does with THEM.
When you feel contempt for your partner, it means that you’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment earlier in your life.
Contempt is nothing more than an ineffective and damaging way of communicating your needs and feelings.
The thing is, being contemptuous is not a character trait that people are born with. They pick it up somewhere…
What Causes Contempt in a Relationship
Some relationship experts will tell you that contempt is a sign of unresolved relationship problems. That things might have been rough for a while now, and you’ve simply had enough.
You’re unhappy and this is why you’re lashing out.
If you’re the one who is on the receiving end of this damaging behavior, it’s important that you know: it’s not your fault.
This situation has more to do with your partner’s personal baggage, than it does with your relationship.
And if you’re the one who feels contempt towards your partner, keep in mind that blaming them will not get you anywhere.
If you want to finally feel loved and appreciated, you need to try to take responsibility and take a critical look at your own past.
Because we do tend to treat our loved ones the same way we’ve been treated.
What causes feelings of contempt in a relationship is having had our own needs and feelings mocked, dismissed or rejected in this painful way by somebody else beforehand.
It’s simply not ok to EVER treat anybody this way.
Contemptuous behaviors are utterly ineffective at getting you what you want, and they’re never justified.
How to Get Past Contempt in a Relationship
Fixing contempt in a relationship has to be a team effort. Both of you will need to cooperate to make it happen.
The partner who is on the receiving end of it needs to learn to respond to it in a way that will keep their significant other in check.
The best way to do that is to point it out when it happens and set boundaries.
At the same time, the person who is feeling contemptuous has to be willing to work on fixing it and try to cooperate.
Make an effort to notice and catch it before things escalate, and do everything in their power to avoid inflicting more damage.
Getting past contempt in a relationship takes two, but one of you can jumpstart it. It often takes standing up to someone, to get them to see and work on an issue they’ve been unaware of.
If you’re struggling with contempt in your relationship, I can support you with getting past it in a one-on-one coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your struggles, validate your side and build you up. So that you can find back to feeling more confident and can stand your ground.
I’ll also give you tips on how to approach your partner to get them to keep their contempt in check.
Regardless if you’re on the giving or receiving end of contempt in a relationship, there is one more fundamental principle that can help you get past it:
It’s how we feel close, intimate, express our love and so much more.
So when you’re stuck in a marriage without these for a long time, you will understandably ask yourself when it’s time to WALK AWAY from your sexless marriage.
And that’s what I’m going to help you figure out in today’s post.
Is it Okay to Leave My Spouse Because of Our Sexless Marriage?
Yes, it is okay for you to leave your spouse because of a sexless marriage.
You’ve likely been feeling hurt, isolated and resentful towards your spouse for a while now.
So it makes sense that you’d want to leave and find other ways of having your needs met!
But let’s first talk about when exactly it’s time to do so, and make sure you feel like you’ve exhausted all possibilities first.
How Do You Know When It’s Time To Leave a Sexless Marriage?
The journey that led you to this article, likely didn’t happen from one day onto the next.
You probably realized that you and your spouse were having less and less sex, until you eventually stopped having sex ALTOGETHER.
And now you’re wondering whether it’s time to leave your sexless marriage…
Here are the signs that it’s time to finally walk away.
You feel like you really tried everything
You didn’t give up from one day onto the next.
No.
You likely tried very hard to FIX your marriage and made all sorts of efforts to remedy the situation…
But despite all of it, it’s led to nothing but discouraging dead ends!
Which further confirmed that nothing will change, no matter what you try.
When you’ve reached this level of despair, it’s a sign it’s time to leave a sexless marriage.
Your partner or you are not willing to fix things
When a spouse is not willing to make any effort, or take any responsibility for their part in creating a marriage absent of sex, it might be time to walk away.
You might also have reached your OWN limit of being willing to try to fix the situation.
So if one or both of you are no longer willing to try to fix things for months, and you are certain nothing can or will change in your marriage…
Take it as another sign that it’s likely time to walk away from a sexless marriage.
The absence of sex ought not to be your priority here.
If this has been an ongoing issue in your marriage, understand that it has serious, long-term emotional and psychological repercussions that will need time and love to heal.
So you don’t want to waste more time and energy, let alone endure more suffering, if these are your circumstances.
This is the most telling sign that your marriage is over, and you need to walk away now.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
This is actually a very crucial and often overlooked question.
Because there are things that lead to a sexless marriage, and understanding them is the key to resolving it if you want to try.
Responsibilities in life
Demanding jobs, running a household, managing money, taking care of children, taking care of aging parents, taking care of yourself…
There is an endless slew of things, demanding our attention in our day-to-day lives, and the to-do list never ends.
And in today’s ever demanding and fast-paced lifestyle, it can all get so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to get in touch with one’s sexual desires.
Infections and other problems
This point primarily affects women, but is extremely widespread.
More than half of women will have at least one urinary tract infection in their lives, which are often painful and the risk of which can be increased by having sex.
For some, it is even a chronic problem that requires continuous battling against.
This is but one example of many infections and issues that can cause sex to be a painful and torturous experience.
So these are understandable and common reasons for a sexless marriage.
Mental health struggles
Whether it’s depression, grief, post-traumatic stress or fear of intimacy…
There are a slew of mental health issues that can lead to a sexless marriage.
Depending on the severity of a person’s mental health, they may be fighting for their very survival.
So the act of sexual intimacy is hardly a priority to them until they can overcome their more urgent mental health challenges.
Pregnancy and children
Again, one that will only affect women in part, pregnancy and postpartum are no joke.
It might look like a five-minute job in the movies, but the reality of pregnancy and giving birth is that it takes an immense toll, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Not only that, once a child is born, it will obviously need love, attention, and care.
Which is a full-time job in and of itself.
Finding a private moment from children to have sex is difficult, and trying to time that with the right mood is even harder.
So pregnancy and children can also be factors that lead to a sexless marriage.
Lack of communication & understanding
Now, this is where it gets really important.
Because despite everything I’ve listed above, if you and your partner have good communication and understand each other, it is still possible to find through to each other sexually.
Yes, it may take time, but I would argue it’s worth it.
Karolina (my wife who runs this blog with me) and I were surprised to find that so many of our previous intimacy struggles actually stemmed from a lack of understanding each other!
We were able to meet in a way that felt safe AND exciting to both of us.
Lack of emotional connection
And I’m going to hang this one on as the final reason for what causes a sexless marriage.
Because so much of sex, depends on having a strong emotional connection with your spouse.
What this means is, if you are emotionally disconnected from each other, it is very difficult to create a space where trust, intimacy, and sex can flourish.
Because sex is not a mere physical act.
It is a vulnerable, exciting and bonding journey that the two of you embark on every single time.
And a solid emotional connection is key to making that possible.
Effects of a Sexless Marriage
If you suspect that something happens when the intimacy is gone, and that it affects you, then you are right.
Whether you are a man or a woman, a sexless marriage will take a toll on you psychologically, emotionally and physically.
Here are common ways in which a sexless marriage might affect you:
Experience reduced self-worth
Feel emotional isolated
Believing you are unlovable & unattractive
Feeling anger and resentment towards your spouse
Feeling a growing distance in your marriage
Having sexual fantasies, watch porn or even cheat
Fighting more with your spouse
You might consider separation
These are the things that you might be experiencing when the intimacy is gone.
Now, if everything you’ve read so far has given you clarity and certainty that walking away from your marriage is the right decision.
Then I respect you on making the choice, and this is where you’ll likely want to stop reading here and instead continue with How to Stop Loving Someone When It Hurts.
But if you’re curious to know whether there are other things you might want to try to rescue your marriage, read on.
Can a Sexless Marriage Be Fixed?
The short answer is yes, a sexless marriage can be fixed.
But it requires work, time and effort from both partners. Often a lot of it.
This means that the issues that cause a sexless marriage, that we covered earlier, must be addressed.
Which would look like this:
Get Responsibilities in life Under Control
You and your spouse need to learn to say “No.”
In particular, to people outside your marriage.
There are likely dozens of things and individuals in your lives that you do not truly need.
Whether it’s the overtime at work, that hobby you’re pursuing half-heartedly, or the endless line of people wanting something from you.
They are there because you are used to having them or believe them to have value.
But it’s helpful to sit down and filter through your responsibilities. Decide what, and who, truly holds and brings value and energy to your life.
And cut the rest out.
Otherwise, neither you nor your spouse will ever have the attention or energy to truly address the challenges of a sexless marriage.
Support your partner in getting through infections and other issues
Some sexual health issues are driven by purely physical problems.
But others are also linked to stress and anxiety.
What’s more, these kinds of issues are often a bit of a taboo. Your partner might be feeling alone with their battle against it.
So make an effort to really understand what it is that they might be struggling with exactly.
If you and your partner can talk about these matters honestly, you can then find creative solutions in bed that you mutually enjoy. Do this and you might be having sex sooner than you think.
Talk about Mental health struggles
Nobody has a clean track record in life, we all have our insecurities and limitations that affect our sex life.
And in a marriage, it is more important than anywhere to talk and be transparent about both of your mental health issues.
And I assure you, it’s both of you.
I was always quick to blame Karolina in our marriage and see her issues and limitations, because it’s always easier to notice things from the outside.
As for children, you can either offload some responsibility to family or trusted friends.
Or you can educate your children and be transparent with them about sex and your need for privacy.
Get coaching from a relationship expert
The reasons for a sexless marriage are often layered and complicated.
It can be difficult to fix things when you’re so close to the problem yourself.
This is where I can help you revitalize the sex in your marriage by having a neutral party weigh in on your situation with one-on-one coaching.
In a call, I will listen to your story to understand the struggles you’re having with your spouse that lead to a sexless marriage. You’ll feel less alone with the issue and have someone in your corner.
I will then show you what you need to say and do to resolve what comes in between you and your spouses sex life. Whether it be external circumstances weighing on your marriage or complex struggles between the two of you.
If you’re wondering how to self soothe anxious attachment, it’s a sign you’re already on the right path!
You must already know that, unfortunately, you can’t rely on your partner for this (especially if you’re dating an avoidant!).
But you can give yourself the exact kind and amount of reassurance you need in order to feel more safe and secure in your relationship.
In this article, I’ll describe five powerful strategies to self-soothe anxious attachment. So that you can calm down, relax and feel better about yourself.
But before diving into things you can do, I want to first dispel some myths that might be making your anxiety worse.
What Triggers Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment stems from deep-rooted fears that originated in your past.
However, there is also a second, more direct source that can trigger your anxiety: the people in your life right now.
This is something I wish somebody would have told me back then when I struggled with doubts and overthinking in my relationship. Because, it’s not all on you…
Getting lost in fears and doubts can be contagious!
Others might project their own anxiety onto you and trigger you to feel the same way they do.
If you notice that you suddenly feel panicked after spending time with a particular friend or a family member, consider that they might have said or done things that made you feel this way.
Another huge but often overlooked trigger for anxious attachment is YOUR PARTNER.
I know this might be a bit surprising to hear.
After all, they’re likely the person who complains about it the most.
But, the truth is, they can CONTRIBUTE or even CREATE scenarios and situations that end up triggering both of you.
I’ve experienced this myself, it’s also true for all of our coaching clients who struggle with anxiety: we tend to get together with someone who is the opposite puzzle piece to our own character.
People who struggle with anxious attachment often fall in love with avoidants or emotionally unavailable partners.
If this is the case for you then, chances are, your significant other likely unknowingly riles you up with their indecision, carelessness, occasional unreliability, exaggerated need for space or even by acting distant and rejecting.
The same is true for being together with an emotionally unavailable partner.
How Do You Break the Cycle of Anxious Attachment
Now that you understand just how big of a trigger your significant other can be, you’ll probably guess that in order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you’re going to have to change your attitude towards them.
You’ll only continue needing things from them, they simply cannot give you.
This is a fundamental truth I wish I would have learned sooner: you need to stop expecting you from people, or you’ll end up endlessly chasing them and never getting what you want and need.
In order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you need to start seeing that your partner has their own limitations and ways of sabotaging the relationship.
Avoidants and emotionally unavailable people tend to massively underestimate the strength of their own attachment.
This is why you need to look at their actions, learn to read between the lines and trust your gut.
Deep down, you know how your partner truly feels about you.
You can trust it.
You can break the cycle of anxious attachment by becoming your own source of stability and security in your relationship.
5 Powerful Strategies To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment
Self soothing anxious attachment is all about getting yourself to relax and feel better.
The strategies I list below are things I used to do and now recommend to my coaching clients.
You don’t have to do them in any particular order. We’re all different and have our own personal coping mechanisms.
So select whatever strategy suits you best and feel free to mix things up.
1. Write Down Ten Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner
When anxiety hits us, we tend to focus on our own flaws and shortcomings.
But nobody is perfect. I’m sure there are things about your partner you don’t like, or maybe you even feel like ‘you could do better…’
To self soothe anxious attachment, take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you DON’T like about your significant other or your crush.
What are their flaws? You feel they don’t have any? Uh-uh, dig deeper, I’m sure you can come up with a lot of things…
It’s time to validate that critical and selfish part of you. It will help feel more confident and in control.
2. Over-text Yourself
Texting can be a great outlet for emotions. However, over-texting can also do a lot of damage in a relationship.
You might end up saying things you don’t mean or pushing your partner to pull away and stop replying to you.
A great hack I recommend to my clients for coping with this is:
When you feel yourself becoming clingy or needy, imagine you’re texting your partner, but actually send the messages to yourself.
This way you can let things out without any risks.
Sure, it’s not the same, you’re not going to get a response. But your significant other will like not reply in a way you’d need them to anyway!
So spare yourself any additional drama and self soothe your anxious attachment by over-texting yourself.
3. Organize or Clean Something While Listening to Music
This is actually something I still do whenever I get riled up about stuff. Gardening, repotting, cleaning or organizing things at your place are great physical outlets.
They’ll keep both your body and your mind busy.
Providing the right soundtrack for your activity will make room for you to process feelings, let out your anger or grieve at the same time.
It’s a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment and is bound to leave you tired but relaxed and with a sense of accomplishment.
4. Indulge in a Guilty Pleasure
We all have things we like doing but are slightly ashamed of. Maybe there is a new season of a trashy show you secretly enjoy.
Or you might have a book you keep on reading or a movie you like watching over and over again.
The reason you like doing these silly little things is because they likely can provide some of that sense of emotional security you crave.
It could be the themes or some of the characters that make you feel safe.
It’s ok to escape and treat yourself sometimes. Especially when you really need it.
This is why indulging in a guilty pleasure is a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment.
5. Do Something With Friends That Your Partner Refuses to Do
Surely there are things you’ve been wanting to do with your partner for a while and you just somehow never got to it.
Your significant other might have straight up refused to do them with you, or they could always find a good excuse to put it off once again.
Maybe there is a cheesy, romantic comedy you’ve been wanting to watch for a while, a challenging hike, a museum you wanted to visit or even a weekend trip you’ve been putting off for months.
It’s time to stop waiting and go find someone else, who would be happy and ready to participate in your activity of choice.
This is a great strategy to self-soothe anxious attachment.
It’ll make you feel empowered. You’ll experience what it’s like to finally get what you want from someone.
It’s also bound to make your partner at least a little jealous and motivate them to make more effort.
Can You Heal Anxious Attachment
Yes, you can absolutely heal anxious attachment. I’ve done it myself. I used to feel very insecure and afraid of being abandoned.
To make matters worse, I fell head over heels for an avoidant who kept on breaking up with me.
I’ve also helped many other clients get a handle on their anxiety and consequently turn their relationships around.
Healing anxious attachment is a self propelling cycle.
This means that the moment you feel less anxious and more confident in your relationship, it motivates your partner to make more effort.
Which in turn will help you heal further…
The most important part of this process is to jump start it, so that you start moving in the right direction.
If you’re struggling with getting a handle on your anxious attachment, and feel like it’s negatively impacting your relationship, we created a program, that can help you out: Attach An Avoidant
In here you’ll find guidance on how to rebuild your sense of security, so that you can stop feeling anxious and regain confidence. We also teach you how to approach your partner, to get them to start making more effort and give you more of what you need from them.
Has your wife said something along these lines to you?
“How can you disrespect me like that?”
“Do you know how that makes me feel?”
“Why do you keep disrespecting me?”
“You can’t just ignore my feelings.”
But you did not intentionally say or do anything to hurt or disrespect her?
You might have also tried making efforts to show that you respect your wife’s feelings, and yet she’s STILL unhappy.
If this fits for you, then you’re in the right place.
I had similar struggles in my marriage where I had to learn what my wife actually meant, when she asked me to respect her feelings.
So much so, she and I built this entire website around these topics to help other couples with their relationship and marriage struggles.
Let’s start with the fundamentals though, and then I’ll show you how to respect your wife’s feelings in a way that will not only make her stop complaining…
But will actually make her happy, while adoring and appreciating you for your efforts.
What Does Respecting Your Wife Mean?
Some things are better explained through a story, so here’s John’s story on how he learned what respecting his wife meant.
John and his wife Seline were visiting family.
Everybody had gathered at the dinner table and was enjoying the topic of current fashion until her aunt Natalie made a snide remark that shut Seline down.
“Well, with the way you look, I’m surprised you ever fit in your wedding dress.”
Seline lowered her head blushing, she felt ashamed, and her aunt had intentionally tried to upset her.
Now, even though John knew it was true that Seline had put on weight, and he had a tendency to take Julie’s families’ side, which would often result in her feeling disrespected by him.
He decided he would no longer participate, and this time he stepped in to defend her instead:
“I think you look absolutely stunning, honey, and wouldn’t have you any other way.”
He then lowered his voice to whisper, “And I don’t think your aunt Nat could ever have fit in your wedding dress.”
Seline muffled a laugh and beamed at John with fondness and appreciation.
Even though her aunt disrespected her, him not joining in and taking her side instead made her feel respected by him.
So respecting your wife’s feelings means that she wants you to make decisions that take her into account and show that you respect her.
What Does Respect Look Like in a Marriage?
Respect in a marriage can look like a husband deeply listening to his wife to make sure she feels understood. Or a wife giving her husband a massage to ease the strain from the day.
Think of it as two people having regard for each other’s feelings and wishes.
Both of them will be there for each other emotionally, intellectually and pragmatically and do their level best to work as a team to build a life they’ll BOTH value and enjoy.
Another way to understand what respect looks like in a marriage, is to know what a husband should NOT do:
Don’t shout at each other
Don’t lie to each other
Don’t call each other names
Don’t blame each other
Don’t cheat on each other
Don’t hurt on each other
Don’t abandon each other
Nobody has a perfect track record, but it is vital to drastically REDUCE these behaviors in your marriage in order for both parties to feel respected.
How Does a Husband Show Respect to His Wife’s Feelings?
There are countless ways in which you can show your wife that you respect her feelings.
Some will carry more weight than others, though, so here are the ones that she will appreciate and value most and will help her feel respected by you.
1. Be Honest and Transparent
You cannot say you respect your wife if you lie to her, and certainly cannot build a sustainable marriage on half-truths.
This means that you openly communicate your thoughts and feelings with her, even if it’s vulnerable or difficult!
And believe me, although being honest can seem like the more difficult thing to do, trying to maintain a lie is far more work, and it inevitably crumbles into a heap.
I’ve heard the story too many times from my coaching clients, both with men and women: they tell me that they (or their spouse) chose to separate because they were hiding things or cheating.
Save yourself the trouble and pain by telling your wife the truth and being respectful to her feelings.
2. Show Your Appreciation of Her in Public
Another way to really help your wife feel respected is to express your appreciation of her in public settings.
So next time you are at a social event with friends or with family, say something genuine, and nice about your wife, while she is present.
Some examples might include:
“You know, that’s something I actually really appreciate about my wife, she’s so attentive to….”
“You look absolutely stunning, my dear.”
“I think you’re incredibly intuitive when it comes to….”
“I am genuinely grateful to have you in my life.”
Appreciating your wife like this in public is how to treat your wife right, and she’ll feel truly respected.
In doing so, you are also demonstrating that you stand by her side and she can count on you.
3. Respect Her Emotional and Physical Boundaries
Everybody has their limits and your wife will be no different.
When she’s reached an emotional or physical limit, she will verbally or nonverbally (her body language) communicate a boundary to you.
Whether it’s because she’s had a rough day, there were excessive demands that took their toll on her, she’s struggling with mental health, or she doesn’t feel safe for some reason…
Whatever the reason might be, it is vital that you respect her boundaries.
Seek to understand them and be there to support her, but never push past them, because you need to be her rock and protector, not someone crossing her limits.
When she knows you respect her boundaries, she will see you are a man who respects his wife’s feelings.
4. Do Your Best To Listen To- And Understand Her
Easier said than done, no?
Even though Karolina (my wife) and I coach others on communication, we too catch ourselves talking past each other and not listening.
Listening and understanding your wife is a SKILL. Not a one-off effort.
And just like any other skill, you’ll need to practice it regularly to get good at it.
Being able to listen and understand your wife is an invaluable ability that I promise will elevate and improve ALL areas of your life, not just your marriage.
Because everybody DESPERATELY craves to be heard and understood!
In the first call with a client, I spend up to 80% of the time deeply listening to them and asking questions to make sure I understand their story and feelings correctly.
Only afterwards does it make sense to coach them on what they can do to improve their marriage.
This is a crucial way to respect your wife’s feelings, and she’ll respect YOU all the more for it as well.
5. Take Action To Show Her You Care
After having listened to her and understood her feelings, it’s vital to back it up with some action.
It’s not about getting it perfect, but rather demonstrating that you respect your wife’s feelings and are making an active effort to change something.
In practical terms, this could be:
Listening to her consistently
Helping her around the house with chores
Supporting and being there for her emotionally
Working hard to provide for yourselves and family if you have
Showing her tenderness and care
Regardless of what it is that she needs from you…
When you make that active effort, and follow through with action, it will help your wife know that you respect her feelings and she will trust you more.
6. Be Transparent About Your Limitations and Struggles
We all have our private struggles and limitations, which impact our marriage (often negatively).
The best approach to these personal challenges is to be open and transparent about them to your wife.
It is vital that you convey your limits so that she understands that when you sometimes can’t provide what she needs. It is not because you do not wish to give her what she wants, but rather because you don’t know how to.
And you might need some help figuring out what’s creating your limits in order to break past those emotional or mental barriers.
7. Show Her That You Appreciate Her
Karolina and I could sometimes get so lost in the day-to-day grind of life, that it could feel like going through the motions and taking each other for granted.
So, another great way to help your wife feel valued and respected is by saying or doing things that convey your appreciation of her.
“Thank you, I really appreciate the effort you made today.”
“You bake the best cookies. Period.”
“I appreciate how much effort you put into taking care of….”
“One of the things I like most about you is….”
Say something you GENUINELY FEEL but might not normally say.
And if you’re a man of action and not words, you can give her the things she’s been talking about for a while.
Or take her out to that place she’s been wanting to go to. And when she asks “What’s the occasion?”
Tell her, “I’m just celebrating having you in my life.”
Your wife will immensely appreciate how much effort you make to respect her feelings.
8. Be Kind, Gentle and Affectionate
You would be surprised how much the little things count.
My wife sometimes tells me how much she appreciates me being gentle and affectionate throughout the day.
So whether that’s a soft kiss on her forehead, or gently caressing her cheek, let your wife feel special and loved with small gestures.
A vital component in this, is that your intentions are NOT sexual.
Otherwise, she might feel like it’s more about your needs than hers and feel pressured.
These things go a long way in sustaining a healthy and happy marriage, that can otherwise be cluttered by routines, and taking each other for granted.
She will feel safe, and notice that you respect her feelings when you are kind and affectionate towards her.
It’s one of the easiest ways a man can make his wife happy.
9. Be a Gentleman
Chivalry is not quite dead yet, and many women appreciate some traditionally upheld values.
To be clear, this does not mean being condescending, patronizing, or sexist in any way.
It means being attentive and caring towards your wife as though you were on one of your first dates.
Some very simple yet classic gestures, can go a long way:
Don’t be vulgar, don’t belch or break wind in her presence, charm and compliment her, get the door for her, lend her your arm as you stroll down the street together, etc.
These little details can go a long way in respecting your wife’s feelings.
10. Abide by Your Marriage Vows
I’m not sure how much this needs underlining, but it should go without saying that you should abide by the agreements you made to your wife.
Everybody will have their own preferences, differences, and ways of making their marriage work.
But what is important is that you stick to your agreements. Or at the very least modify them together.
This means if you have an exclusive marriage, you do not commit emotional or physical infidelity.
It means you make an active effort to live up to the promises you made to each other on your wedding day to the best of abilities.
They are a promise to your wife, and to yourself, to be the best husband and man you can possibly be.
11. Make Decisions as a Team
Much like Karolina and I share the tasks of this website together, you and your wife will also have shared responsibilities and decisions that need to be made in your marriage.
And a crucial way of respecting your wife’s feelings is to take her seriously and involve her in all important decisions as an equal partner.
Under no circumstances, should you ever try to blindside her and make big decisions whether they be financial or pragmatic without her involvement.
You are a team, and you will make wiser decisions when you work together. Four eyes are better than two.
I personally learned this lesson and in retrospect, it became obvious that not involving Karolina in a decision not only led to a worse choice, but also made my wife feel disrespected.
So avoid this mistake and treat her with respect and as your equal.
12. Balance the Power in Your Marriage
Every relationship is a power struggle of sorts, and in your marriage you will ideally strive towards BALANCING the power dynamic with your wife.
She will have certain areas of life where she holds more power and control.
Just as, you will have other areas of strength and influence.
So a great way to help your wife feel respected is to share your power with her, and do your level best to create an equilibrium.
Don’t make the mistake of trying to endlessly increase your influence and control in your marriage, it will only backfire.
You may both argue along the way, but it’s normal to fight every once in a while.
These are the best ways in which you can respect your wife’s feelings and make her feel loved and appreciated.
Consider them good examples to reference on how a husband should treat his wife.
What Does a Wife Need From Her Husband?
I will admit that there have been times where trying to understand what my wife needed from me felt like an impossible puzzle.
To me, it seemed like regardless of my efforts, she would be unhappy and dissatisfied.
It was as though no matter how hard I tried, it was simply never good enough.
If you’ve experienced the same with your wife over a longer period, it might make you want to throw in the towel and settle for an unfulfilled marriage.
But fear not, there is a SOLUTION to this problem that Karolina and I eventually figured out together, and it’s not what you think!
Firstly, you need to understand that you SHOULD NOT make her feelings about you.
Instead, truly listen and seek to understand how she feels. Keep the conversation about her and don’t make it about yourself, no matter how intense it gets.
And even if explaining or defending yourself seems like the logical thing to do. Don’t.
And secondly, do not suggest solutions for your wife’s feelings.
She doesn’t need solutions, she needs you to help her make sense of what she’s feeling and going through herself!
And you do this by listening and not providing solutions (unless she specifically asks for them!)
Finally, don’t judge her emotions, otherwise it’ll shut her down, and you won’t have a chance to figure things out.
Instead, be empathetic and comfort her when the moment calls for it.
If you find yourself turning in circles with your wife and would like help applying what we’ve covered in this post in your own marriage, book a one-on-one coaching call with me.
In a call, I’ll listen to your story and take your side. You’ll feel understood, and I’ll give you a clear strategy on how to not only make your wife feel respected, but also help you feel validated in your efforts.
Let’s go over the character traits of a sigma female so you can figure out whether you recognize yourself in them.
What Is a Sigma Personality?
A sigma female exhibits alpha qualities, but is more in tune with her emotions and will seek independence over leadership. You can think of a sigma female as an introverted alpha.
Here are the sigma female traits you might have:
1. She Is Self-Reliant
One of the KEY character traits of a sigma female is her self-reliance.
She has learned through a lot of hardship, that if she wants to achieve her life goals, she needs to make it happen herself.
So whether it’s about her career, her relationships or any other ambition, she is quick to take matters in her own hands.
If you are this type of female personality, you will have a little patience for beating around the bush and wasting time.
4. She Answers the Call to Adventure
Adventure is spelt in capital letters for a sigma, female. She doesn’t do boring.
When there is a call to adventure, she answers it, because the uncharted and yet-to-be-explored is far more exciting to her than the predictable routines of daily life.
When sigma females pick a partner, they will expect them to keep up with their adventurous spirit!
5. Loyalty Matters a Great Deal to Her
Sigma females are loyal to their friends and partners, and expect the same in return.
They set a high standard for themselves and value honest, caring and reliable people.
And if someone crosses her, they are bound to feel the consequences of their trespass.
6. She Doesn’t Focus on Trends, She Creates Them
One thing that sigma females don’t do particularly well is follow.
Rather than obsess over trends they seek to create and capitalize on them.
She understands that social norms and hierarchies are fleeting constructs which she tries to operate outside of.
7. Others Value Her Friendship
When it comes to her friends, she understands the worth and value of their relationship.
Because, although sigma females may not fall into the classic alpha characteristics of leadership, they do know how to create strong ties of friendship.
8. She Doesn’t Worry About What People Think of Her
A sigma female does not place much weight on people’s opinions of her.
But she listens to trusted people in her life to get their opinions and feedback, since she considers them to have genuine value.
And although she is capable of taking feedback on board, she also knows how to stop overthinking and gets back on her feet quickly.
9. She’s Willing to Take Risks
Another typical characteristic of a sigma female is that she understands that there are no rewards without taking some risks.
This is a character trait that often separates her from her peers who prefer walking the beaten path and placing their bets safely.
She blazes her own trail instead and is therefore often left working alone towards her goals.
Not by choice, put out of necessity.
10. Others Can Feel Intimidated by Her
Sigma females are sometimes so focused on their own lives and ambition that they don’t realize how intimidating they can be to others.
She’s not afraid of conflict or being disliked and places more value on people respecting her than liking her.
How Do I Know If I’m a Sigma Female?
If 8 or more of the 12 sigma personality traits listed above fit for you, then you’re a sigma female.
And to summarize the most important points again:
A sigma female is an independent, loyal, straight-shooter, who is often ambitiously driven and operates outside of the standard social hierarchy. She takes risks, can be intimidating and sets hard boundaries when she needs to.
Do you recognize yourself in this description? Or have others described you this way?
If yes, you’re a sigma female.
And if you’re wondering whether it’s good to be a sigma, the answer is there is no good or bad here. It’s a matter of preference.
There are multiple female personality types, some traits of which you’ll identify with and others not so much.
The real question is who do you WANT to be?
And based on that, you can chart your own course in life to become that wonderful version of yourself.
Do Sigmas Have Friends?
Sigmas absolutely have friends.
But sigmas are more introverted in the sense that they don’t care to participate in the power games and gossip that comes with social groups.
Therefore they might also prioritize the pursuit of their goals over their community. This can lead to periods of isolation as they move between social circles.
Due to their loyalty, they will however maintain the friendships that mean a lot to them.
What Are the Six Female Personalities?
These are the six female personalities in order of their theoretical social hierarchy:
Alpha ↔️ 2. Sigma
Beta
Delta
Gamma
Omega
The Sigma sits on the same level as the Alpha, except that a sigma chooses to operate outside of social hierarchy by their own choice.
What’s important to keep in mind is that these social hierarchies are concepts to help you better understand social constructs you live in.
They are not a hard science.
(The term ‘alpha’ found its way into mainstream culture, through the idea of an ‘alpha’ wolf. A term that has long been rejected by David Mech himself, who studies wolves and originally introduced the idea.)
Having said that, all female personality types have strengths and weaknesses, so although there is a perceived hierarchy, one is not better than the other.
They are simply different with their own unique characteristics.
With that said, here are short descriptions of the six female personalities:
1. Alpha – The Leader
An alpha female is someone who leads a group and emanates strong will and confidence.
When you’re an alpha, you are often intimidating to others by how direct you can be with your opinions and domineering nature.
You’ll likely also feel exhausted with the endless responsibilities and decisions you have to make for your ‘pack’.
2. Sigma – The Rogue Alpha
The difference between alpha and sigma female is that as a sigma you’ll have strong alpha qualities while being more in touch with your inner thoughts and feelings.
You choose independence over leadership and pursue your own goals relentlessly.
Some perceive the sigma as ranking higher than alphas because of their autonomy and freedom.
3. Beta – The Right-Hand Woman
A beta female is often the right-hand woman to their alpha, she is loyal and trusting.
If you identify with this type you’re likely to be more introverted and quiet, but will be vocal to back a person you believe in.
But when your kindness and loyalty are trifled with or put into question, the person doing so is guaranteed to regret it.
4. Delta – The Planner
A delta female tends to be shy and needs her time to warm up to people.
But once people have won your trust, you’ll form incredibly deep and strong relationships for the long-run.
You’ll also be incredibly kind and patient and will honestly speak your opinion.
Being well organized and planning ahead comes as easy as breathing to you.
5. Gamma – The All-Rounder
A gamma female is someone who excels in all aspects equally. But this is admittedly at the expense of not feeling like she truly masters one thing.
Nonetheless, as a gamma you’ll lead a very balanced life and pursue your goals with a solid planning framework.
You’ll likely be family-focused and engaged with your community.
6. Omega – The Scholar
An omega female personality is knowledgeable and educated.
If you identify with her, you’ll often find yourself buried neck deep in books or pouring over piles of data trying to decipher the patterns.
You’ll be very logical and thoughtful in your approach to life, always seeking to understand the underlying principles that govern things.
Thank you for reading, I hope you’ve found the answers you were looking for and now know whether you can identify with the sigma female personality or not.
Either way, I’m sure you’re an incredible person who brings a lot to the people in your life.
So you’re wondering what chemistry feels like for a man.
Whether you’re a woman who’s curious to know, or a guy who needs to understand his feelings for someone, I’ll help you get to the bottom of it.
And what better way to know what chemistry feels like for men, than hearing it FROM MEN themselves?
On the Subreddit AskMen (sources: 2,3,4) people were wondering the same as you were and asked the following questions about chemistry for men:
“What Does Chemistry Mean to You?”
And here’s what men answered:
1. You Feel Comfortable Being Vulnerable
“Chemistry is that feeling you get when you’re with your closest friend. You can be your true self, they can be their true self, and even in that vulnerable state, both parties are completely comfortable. If you can find a significant other that you connect with in that way, and they’re physically attractive, do whatever you can to hold on to them. Finding someone like that is rare.”
2. Chemistry Is a Dance
“Chemistry is about having a natural flow where the conversation just comes easily with someone. Chemistry is about connecting on a bunch of the little things and sharing the same quirks. Chemistry is a dance partner who can read your signals and either can follow your most complicated leads or can lead you to dance turns you didn’t even know existed.”
3. I Can Be Playful With Her
“I’ve met women where we’ll get along well, we each know where the other stands without having to explicitly say it, and the relationship just works. She can playfully give me crap and vice versa, but at the end of the day it’s all part of our flirting game. We enjoy getting a rise out of each other almost any way possible.”
4. Chemistry Is a Bond That Isn’t Easy to Break
“Chemistry with another person can come in a variety of ways. From sexual to romantic, chemistry occurs when two people just mesh well. They create a bond with each other that’s not easy to break. They work well with each other. You have good chemistry with someone when it takes very little effort to have a great night with each other and things just fall into place, almost as if they were meant to be.”
5. It Feels Like Comfort
“Have you ever had that warm feeling inside of you whenever you’re around your significant other? It feels like comfort. Or ever have that sensation where you hear a car pulling up, or someone climbing the stairs leading to your apartment, or hearing someone coming up to the door to your place, and you just know it’s your significant other? Yeah, that.”
The next question somebody asked was:
“How Do You Know When You and a Girl Have Chemistry?”
Some of the men’s answers were rather romantic:
6. You Feel Magnetically Drawn Together
“It feels like static electricity, the air is just alive and there is this tension that you can feel like magnetism drawing you to them.”
7. Conversation Flows Effortlessly
“I think it really depends on each person, but chemistry is one of those things that’s so hard to exactly define. It’s just a feeling you get where conversation flows continuously without effort, you have physical attraction towards each other, and communication on all levels seem to be on par.”
8. You Want to Hold Her Tight and Never Let Go
“Oh man, it’s so incredible. It’s like the two of us are one unit and whenever we’re not together we wish we were. Not in the “I should see here later.” sense, but in the “I want to hold her tight and never let go.” And the best part is that I know she feels the same way about me.”
9. Good Chemistry Is Not Just Sexual
“I found out I’m more attracted to their personality, and when that happens, I’m really attracted to them in other ways, especially in bed. Good chemistry is not just sexual, but it’s also when it’s easy to love them, and vice versa.”
“What Does Having ‘Chemistry’ With Someone Mean to You?”
Here’s what the guys had to say:
10. It’s When You Just Click
“I think it’s a combination of compatibility and attraction. When you’re naturally on the same page in both areas, and you just click. It’s such an intangible thing, though, it’s so hard to explain. It’s there, or it isn’t, and when it is, you just know.”
11. Chemistry Means Feeling Comfortable Around Someone
“It means I’m comfortable around them. It means my adrenaline rises around them. Conversation is easy, more importantly, I’m comfortable being in silence around them”
12. Being Able to Laugh Together
“Having the same sense of humor and enjoying the same types of conversations. My girlfriend and I have laughed at so many unfunny things together. My best friends and I always feel like we can have deep philosophical conversations that generally just aren’t sustained when attempted with other people.”
13. It’s More Than Sex
“Chemistry is when you wanna sleep with someone, and you also want to hang out with them when you’re not sleeping with them.”
14. Your Social Interactions Are Mutual
“It means the social interactions with that person are persistently mutual and intended; you are both provided the social interactions that are expected from each other. It is inherently recognizable from both people, as well as from others who know each person’s social cues well.”
15. They Show You Genuine Interest
“They say your name. They are nice to you. They speak with a friendly tone. They want to hear your opinion. If they see you in public, they will say hi and maybe spark up a conversation. They are never “busy” when you have something to talk to them about. They listen intently.”
The final question was:
“What Does It Feel Like to Have Undeniable Chemistry and Sexual Tension With Someone?”
And the men concluded with…
16. I Get Butterflies in My Stomach
“It does not happen that often, unfortunately. But when I meet someone with whom I immediately click, I get excited, like these butterfly in my stomach feeling (but it’s not necessarily love or sexual tension). This feeling emerges when our conversation gains a certain dynamic and feels enriching and exciting.”
17. You Will Never Forget Them
“I’ve experienced this ‘undeniable chemistry’ thing a few times. In one of said instances, I fell for her in a way that hasn’t been matched since – even with my marriage of 15yrs. With the others, it was either distance or age that got in the way .. but holy hell, these girls were amazing and will forever hold a special place in my cold-ass heart.”
And a final answer that brings it all to the point was:
“You know you have chemistry when you’re not questioning whether or not you have chemistry”
So you’ll definitely know it when you feel it. 😉
Now, there was a final additional question directly from you guys that I’d like to answer myself, which is…
What Causes Chemistry Between a Man and a Woman?
You can think of chemistry between a man and a woman as a reflection of compatibility.
Which means, the more compatible you are, the MORE INTENSE your chemistry will be.
And these are the most crucial areas of compatibility:
Physical Attraction
This is commonly the first area, since we SEE people first. It is also the most obvious one and means that the more physically attracted you are to each other, the more intense the chemistry.
Intellectual Attraction
This will be more important to some than others, but a lot of people love and appreciate an intellectual mind. Because they want to be with a person they can talk to for hours on whose company they can enjoy.
Emotional Attraction
You may have had the experience of initially finding someone incredibly attractive, but when they start to speak, their emotional immaturity becomes apparent, and it’s an instant turn-off for you. So emotional attraction also plays a big role in chemistry.
Complimentary Characters
As the old adage goes: opposites attract. Though it’s not a hard rule, it does help create tension and excitement! And complimentary characters mean that both woman and man will bring something to the table that the other deeply craves and is drawn to.
Shared Values & Desires
Finally, chemistry between two people can be made (or killed) depending on how compatible their values and desires are. This means having the same priorities and expectations from life, because if you don’t, it’s hard to work towards a common goal.
So what causes chemistry between a man and a woman is the degree of compatibility they share in the five areas mentioned above.
The more compatible, the brighter the flame of chemistry and attraction.
Whether you’re new or old here, I appreciate you reading and hope you found the answers from men about chemistry insightful.
If you have any further questions about chemistry in a relationship, you should check out our one-on-one coaching calls.
Here you can share your entire story, and we’ll go into the details to make sense of the chemistry you share with that special someone.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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