Being in an abusive relationship is extremely damaging. But even though everybody in your life and on the internet might be telling you to leave, maybe you don’t feel ready for that step yet.
Letting go and leaving a toxic relationship is extremely difficult.
I’ve done it myself, so I know how hard it is to truly give up on a person you care about.
If you feel like there is still hope for your relationship and you’re willing to work hard to fix things, this article will help you understand what it takes to fix an abusive relationship.
1. Both Partners Must Realize That They Are In An Abusive Relationship
In order to even begin fixing an abusive relationship, both the abuser as well as the victim must be willing to see that the abuse is a problem.
If you happen to be the victim in an abusive relationship, you must make sure that your partner sees his/her behavior as abuse. Otherwise, they will never even try to change.
First of all, realizing that your relationship is toxic is tricky in itself. Nobody ever chooses to be treated badly. We only find ourselves in those kinds of situations, because we’re blind to the damaging behaviors, that are either being inflicted upon us, or we’re inflicting upon others.
I used to be completely blind to verbal abuse and physical threats, crazy as it sounds, I perceived it as “means of communicating”. It wasn’t until I saw it for what it was, that I could start doing something about it.
The first time I realized I was being subject to verbal abuse and physical threats was during an internship. Even then, it took me two months of working in a completely toxic atmosphere, with bosses screaming at employees every single day until I realized that this was not a “normal working environment”.
It’s not just victims of abuse that are blind to it, the abusers themselves don’t see it either. They often view their behavior as justified and necessary.
Much like an abusive parent believes that spanking their kid is an act of love required to teach them a lesson, your partner might view his/her verbal abuse as e.g a way of expressing how much you mean to them.
So the first step in fixing an abusive relationship is making sure that both you and your partner don’t perceive their abusive behavior as normal or justified.
2. The Abuser Must Be Willing To Give Up The Power They Hold Over Their Victim
The power dynamic in an abusive relationship is often extremely unequal.
The truth is, all abusers rule with fear.
They might give you presents and then threaten to take them away.
They do something kind for you, then make you feel like you now owe them a thousand thanks, and must comply with all their desires.
Often victims of abuse feel like they’re walking on eggshells the whole time, constantly trying to avoid the next outburst.
All these kinds of behaviors are extremely manipulative. The abuser makes sure he/she can control their partner. They hold the power to make or break the relationship.
In order to turn a toxic relationship into a healthy one, both partners must make an effort to create a more equal power dynamic. That means the abuser must let go of the power and control and give it back to their partner.
The abusive partner must free their victim to act and choose as they please. It is a hard and scary step to take. Which brings me to my next point.
3. Sometimes To Gain Something, You Must Be Ready To Lose Something Else
True change often requires a sacrifice. Much like an abusive partner must let go of control and power, in order to fix a relationship, the victim must be ready to give up this paradoxical sense of safety that comes from being controlled.
As a victim in an abusive relationship, you’re going to have to learn to take charge in your life and accept responsibility for your own choices.
Moreover, if you and your partner truly want to save the relationship, you must face the source that caused both of you to be the way you are.
They say abusers aren’t born, they’re made. In order to fix an abusive relationship, you’re gonna have to talk a lot about where these kinds of behaviours originated from.
It’s not just the abusers that had had a rough childhood.
For someone to become a victim in an abusive relationship, they must have had their share of bad experiences as a child too.
There are a lot of books and resources that deal with the effects of all sorts of childhood trauma in adult life. If you are serious about fixing your relationship, you will have to look into it.
The book that really helped me to begin to grasp how toxic relationships work and where they stem from was Toxic Parents by Susan Forward.
4. Realize And Accept That The Change Will Not Happen From One Day Onto The Next
People don’t change their behavior from one day onto the next. All lasting changes are gradual.
Much like with losing weight, losing bad habits takes time, there are setbacks too. It’s about changing your mindset and developing a healthier attitude towards people.
Don’t expect your partner to suddenly stop all their abusive behaviors.
Likewise, don’t expect yourself to suddenly effortlessly set boundaries and always stand your ground.
Demanding a sudden change will only set you and your partner up for failure.
You have to come to terms with the fact that fixing an abusive relationship is a long term project. There are no quick fixes when it comes to this one.
Having said that, every little change in your or your partner’s behavior and attitude can make your relationship significantly better.
5. There Is Going To Be A Lot Of Emotional Baggage And Resentment To Deal With
A lot of relationship experts and religious leaders teach us to forgive and forget. This is really bad advice, especially when it comes to handling abusive relationships.
Forgiving and forgetting will inevitably set you up for more suffering, as an abusive partner will never have to face any consequences of his/her actions.
It’s in your interest to remember all the bad things that happened in the relationship, it is the only way to ensure that they will not repeat.
Holding your partner accountable is necessary to help them overcome their abusive tendencies and change their behavior for the better.
Unfortunately, all the abuse that has already taken place between you and your partner is taking a toll on your relationship. Abusive incidents shatter trust and cause resentment to build.
In order to save your relationship, you will need to talk about the bad things that happened between you.
Your partner will have to work on regaining your trust and you will have to find ways to process and express all that resentment and anger that gets pent up in every victim of abuse.
Conclusion
So can an abusive relationship be fixed?
I believe it can. However, in my personal experience, I’ve never managed to make it work. Not even when it was just an abusive friendship.
In most cases, the toxic people in my life didn’t want to see that there was something wrong with our relationship, and even when they did see the problem to some degree, they refused to give up the power the abuse gave them.
If both parties are not willing to make it work, it will not work and the abuse will continue.
In my thirty years of life, I was forced to leave a lot of people behind. Even though it was very sad and took me a long time to let go, cutting the abusers out freed me and changed my life for the better.
I understand if you’re wanting to do everything in your power to fix your abusive relationship. I did too. If your partner is willing to put the same effort in that you are, things could really change for the better.
However, be wary and don’t hesitate to put yourself first. Nobody deserves to be emotionally, verbally or physically abused.
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What are your experiences with fixing an abusive relationship? Let me know in the comments section!
Karolina
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Hi me and my girlfriend have been going through a tough time. We both love eachother so much and are bestfriends
But I came to the table with ptsd and now gave it to her from me. Mine was sexually inclined and racial because I am a black male she is a white woman. I have been trying to make up for my past abuse so much.
I really pushed myself to make it work and have even came to allowing her to know if she needs to let go of us that it pains me but for her to be happy agian I understand. She fights each time and shows it’s not what she wants. But thinks that only I in taking accountability for my actions can make her get better. And doesn’t seem to want to put in work for herself and us, or face the truths of it to see it through in a better light. Each time she looks at the past only fighting and negatives come from her. I’ve tried helping her realize this and have peaceful conversations. But she seems to think that I am just trying to trick her lie and minipulate. I try for hours on end and we live together, so I had said how about we call it at friends because I can’t stand watching her destroy herself through this.
But she etheir gets angry to the point of explosion or ingores everything. There isn’t any clear communication and her family is racist so they created a bias which cause aton of triggers for me in the past. Now that I am where I am today I am able to be there for her but she pushed extremely away, emotionally and physically but tells me that I need to show her I care. And be there.
Hi Derrick! Seems like you’re in a tough situation. There are a lot of problems you guys are currently dealing with… PTSD, racism, and sexual abuse are all really serious issues. It’s really great that you’ve pushed yourself to make it work with her, and to make up for the past abuse! Not many people dare to ever take that step…
I imagine it’s really frustrating to you that she is fighting you so much and doesn’t want to communicate. There is only one way to get out of a situation like this… When she is straight-up refusing to listen to you, there is really no point to continue trying to make her see things your way. The harder you push, the stronger she is going to resist it. The only way you can possibly get through to her is by listening to her and seeking to understand her side of the story.
I’ve written a bit more about a related topic here: How to Fix Your Relationship When You Can’t Talk Without Arguing. Maybe you’ll find it helpful..
Hi I could really use some advice. My boyfriend and I have been together a little over a year and we have had a lot of issues. We both have mental illness, I have BPD and he has OCD. I also come from an abusive home. He has anger issues and when he gets really mad he throws things and breaks things this has been constant in the relationship. His OCD causes a lot of his anger and sometimes normal human things that I do set him off like cracking my knuckles or rocking side to side. Throughout the relationship I have had to change a lot of my normal behaviors in order to avoid upsetting him. It got really bad to the point where I was afraid to move and even afraid to breath too loudly. I suffered in silence for a long time and only a few months ago really began to address the problems with him. I did try telling him how I felt but it would always end in us fighting and I didn’t feel safe to communicate my feeling or needs.
We have been quarantined since March and after he lost his job due to covid his behavior got really bad he was depressed and drinking and smoking and not showering. In June I was so fed up with everything I tried confronting him and we got into a huge fight where we were screaming at each other and I was screaming at him then he grabbed me and shook me and then pushed me onto the bed. I was so scared I froze. He realized immediately what he had done and tried hugging me but it felt more like holding me down. After that happened I told him I couldn’t stay with him unless we went to therapy he agreed but the next day he took it back he said he wanted to try to get healthy on his own he asked me to give him a month to get healthy as in eating well, exercising, and sleeping.
It’s now August and he has improved his eating, sleeping and hygiene habits he has also gotten better at being supportive when I am upset he helps calm me down and he has finally started leaving the apartment again. Last week I had a ton of deadlines and I wasn’t being healthy I was working late nights not sleeping and overdoing the caffeine. My mental health was suffering because of it and he was doing everything to be supportive. But two days ago we got in an argument because I wanted to spend time with him and he was tired we started to fight again and I got up to walk away and he reached to grab me again and I blocked him from grabbing my arms and in response he grabbed me by the neck and pushed me onto the couch. This time I started scratching and swinging at him he let me go but when I tried to leave again he grabbed me from behind and squeezed me really tight yelling I’m sorry, I’m hugging you, I’m hugging you (again not a hug) I got bruises this time.
After talking to my sister and best friend I came to the decision to leave him because I can’t be in a relationship that I don’t feel safe in. Both times this has happened he has tried making excuses for his behavior like blaming it on covid and being stressed and he has even tried to put it on me like I made him so angry or even worse he said that because I like rough sex he thought it was ok to put his hands around my neck.
Last night he offered to go to therapy to try to get better. We live in CA but our lease is up in a month and before this happened we were planning to move to PA to stay with his family to save money and get back on our feet. My family is here and in CO and they all agree that I should not go to PA with him. I don’t know what to do all I know is that I have felt unsafe and scared and trapped in this relationship more often than not but I also know that he has been trying to get better and I had just started to feel good about the relationship until this happened.
Hi Eris,
What you’re going through sounds extremely tough. It’s very admirable that you’ve managed to stand up for yourself and made the relationship and his behavior get better.
Physical abuse is a terrible thing in a relationship. It’s a complete breach of trust and there is simply no excuse for it. The fact that his “hugs” bruised you and the whole grabbing you by the neck and pushing you onto the couch sounds absolutely terrifying.
You should never feel unsafe, scared and trapped in a relationship!
I can imagine that him making an effort and actually changing a bit might be making you second guess your decision to leave though.
The thing is, turning an abusive relationship around takes time and effort. Even with therapy, he is not going to change from one day onto the next. It sounds like the relationship started getting better when you’ve gained more power and control over him.
That’s why I wholeheartedly agree with your friends and family on this one, I think that moving to PA with him at this point, would be extremely risky.
You’d be living on his turf, far away from everyone else close to you. It would make him gain a lot more control over you and your life. All the progress you’ve made so far might get lost because of that. It might even make things worse.
Leaving him is definitely the safer option… but, if you choose to stay, I think the relationship is much more likely to improve if you stay on your turf and have all the external help and support you can get.
Hello Karolina,
My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We have experienced a lot of life changing events in this little time of sharing life together. We both come from domestic violence homes and we want better for our future. But it seems like making that a reality is a little difficult (easier said than done).
I had a miscarriage and I am in a co-parenting situation so I know all of this is hard for my partner to experience with me. We argue and the arguments get abusive, physically and emotionally. I want to fix it but I do not want a toxic and unhealthy relationship. We talk about the hurt we cause each other and try to find solutions but the arguments or abuse has not come to an end just yet. I am on the brink of leaving the relationship but I also see so much good traits in my partner so I am feeling very confused and stuck.
Hi Angelic!
I’m sorry to hear about your problems. It’s a tough situation you’re in.. Both Gabriel and I come from abusive homes too, so I know how this kind of upbringing really sets you up to repeat the cycle.
The thing is, there should be no room for violence in a relationship. It really is not a solution to anything, it only makes matters worse and causes more damage.
What Gabriel and I did, was: we both made a very conscious choice to say “NO” to all forms of violence in our relationship.
You can regain control over your own emotions and so can he. It’s a process, it takes work and you need to keep each other in check at times, but it can be done.
This kind of effort is something you can only do together with him though. It’s not enough if only one of you tries to break the cycle. It’s gotta be both of you or it won’t work.
I don’t know what your situation is exactly. But you shouldn’t stay in an abusive relationship. Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. it will only damage you..
Stay safe!
Karolina
I want to fix it. But, after 4 months of separation, today I realised that my behaviour was abusive and I need to change it to fix my relationship. Till today, I was under impression that violence is normal because from childhood till now, I have never found anyone taking any action for abusive behaviour. I realised I have inherited it from my father who has a very bad emotional life. I wonder will my partner be ready to fix the relationship? Because he has stopped answering my calls and messages.
Hi Etka,
that sounds like a very intense childhood you had… it’s admirable that you’ve come to face how it might be affecting your relationship.
I imagine that sharing and discussing what you’ve written here, with your boyfriend, could help him see that you’re serious about changing and rebuild some trust.
Tread gently though, he’s probably hurt and hesitant to try again.
Best
Karolina
Thank you for this. It was very helpful and gave me some hope that things could change for the better.
Hi Krystal,
Thanks for the kind words. I’m glad to hear it gave you some hope.
Karolina