Not being able to talk without arguing is actually a common problem a lot of couples face at some point in their relationship.
This frustrating situation can develop due to external factors.
Things like increased stress at work, mental health problems, injuries, etc can put an additional strain on both you and your partner.
As a result of this, you’re much more likely to lash out and fight with each other.
This is not always the case though.
Sometimes couples just find themselves arguing the whole time without any particular reason.
This was the case for Gabriel and me.
About 1,5 years into our relationship we clearly had hit a crisis. Pretty much whenever we spent time together, we would end up in a fight.
It was extremely frustrating.
We couldn’t enjoy each other’s company the way we once used to!
Our relationship felt very unstable at the time. We kept on breaking up and getting back together.
It was a TOTAL MESS…
Luckily, we figured a WAY OUT!
I’m going to share what I’ve learned from this experience and how we did it.
#1 Understand What’s Happening When You Can’t Talk Without Arguing
This is something I really wished I would have known at the time when Gabriel and I faced our first serious relationship crisis.
It would have made things so much easier.
Looking back at what we’ve been through, I can see the patterns we were stuck in very clearly.
But back then, I had NO IDEA what was going on.
Gaining an understanding of the situation you’re in can be incredibly helpful because it can allow you to see things from an outsider’s perspective. Rather than from the position of someone who is stuck in this hurtful cycle.
So what happens when couples end up fighting all the time?
People generally start a fight with their partner when they need something from him/her, something that they’re not getting.
Most of the time NO ONE INTENDS to start an argument.
They’re simply trying to communicate something to their partner!
It only turns into a fight because most of us have NEVER BEEN TAUGHT how to communicate our needs.
So we often resort to blaming in order to get what we want.
“You NEVER help me with the dishes!”
“You ALWAYS side with your mother!”
“I can’t rely on you at all, you NEVER do what I asked you to do!”
This generally leads to your partner feeling attacked and retaliating.
You know what happens next…
Things almost never get resolved this way, because it’s impossible to communicate anything this way.
It’s a vicious cycle that leads to both sides feeling more and more HURT and rejected.
On top of it, a fight like this often results in one of you, or both of you holding a grudge. This only adds more reasons for you to fight with each other.
And the cycle continues…
#2 Realise What Fighting the Whole Time Means About Your Relationship
When we were stuck in our early relationship crisis…
I used to worry that we were simply too different and couldn’t make it work.
But that fear couldn’t have been further from the truth.
As it is with many couples…
It’s NOT that you’re too different… You’re fighting because YOU’RE BOTH CAN’T GET WHAT YOU NEED FROM EACH OTHER! And you simply don’t know any other way to try to change that.
That’s why, you both most likely feel drained, resentful, angry, disappointed and unwilling to give in.
It’s PERFECTLY NORMAL that you would feel this way.
When someone isn’t giving you what YOU WANT, why should you care about what THEY NEED.
So you both choose to fight.
But this doesn’t mean you’re incompatible or that your relationship is doomed.
It simply means that to fix your relationship you both need to learn how to communicate your needs in a way that doesn’t lead to fighting and also learn how to listen to each other.
#3 To Stop Arguing, You Have to Take the Lead and Break the Cycle
This is a tricky point and a difficult one.
Breaking out of any cycle of problems is difficult. We’re creatures of habit that tend to get stuck in our ways…
Hopefully, now you have a slightly better understanding of the situation you’re in though.
Both you and your partner are most likely tearing at each other the whole time because you’re both really desperate to get what you need from each other.
On the other hand, you’re also both less willing to give in and listen, because you both feel so drained and hurt.
It’s a vicious cycle but, in our experience, there are two main ways to get out of this one.
The first one being:
You have to temporarily put your feelings aside and dive into your partner’s world.
Yes, it might feel like a sacrifice on your end.
But it’s just a TEMPORARY one!
Especially if you keep in mind that, a little sacrifice like this can work wonders for your relationship.
All you have to do is to really listen and try to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.
If you manage to get their world and acknowledge the problem they have, you’ll regain their trust and restore your connection.
The second option is:
Get your partner to understand and acknowledge what you need.
The trick to getting this one right is communicating things in a way that DOESN’T lead to a fight.
I know this can be very tricky. But is it doable!
I’ve done it countless times.
In our relationship, we’ve approached this problem from both sides. Sometimes I was the first one to acknowledge a problem Gabriel had with me. Other times Gabriel was the first one and made me feel heard and understood.
Regardless of the angle you choose to take when approaching this problem, all it takes is for you to really take charge and make it happen.
Breaking out of the cycle of relationship arguments is not an easy feat. It took us over a year to figure out how to stop continuously arguing with each other.
Some couples can stay stuck endlessly fighting with each other for decades!
Getting through to each other when you can’t talk without arguing takes effort, but it’s an effort worth making.
For us, this was the most important first step that turned the tide and made things right again.
Making that experience of actually being heard and acknowledged by a loved one was a very powerful one.
We never broke up after that.
It’s because of this one breakthrough that our relationship started to continuously grow more stable and mature.
So even though it required some time and effort…
It actually turned out to be a really good investment.
There are a lot of different components that can contribute to solving this problem.
If you’re interested in a more in-depth step by step guide on how to break the cycle of relationship arguments, you might want to check out our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.In this course, we go into detail on what it takes to get your partner to take you seriously and also on what causes relationship problems and how to simplify them.
We’ve even created a special tool designed to use when you can’t talk without arguing with your partner complete with a step by step guide and helpful phrases to use when applying it.
If you have any questions or would like to share your tips or story, let me know in the comments section!
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