Sex is a way we deeply connect in marriage.
It’s how we feel close, intimate, express our love and so much more.
So when you’re stuck in a marriage without these for a long time, you will understandably ask yourself when it’s time to WALK AWAY from your sexless marriage.
And that’s what I’m going to help you figure out in today’s post.
Is it Okay to Leave My Spouse Because of Our Sexless Marriage?
Yes, it is okay for you to leave your spouse because of a sexless marriage.
You’ve likely been feeling hurt, isolated and resentful towards your spouse for a while now.
So it makes sense that you’d want to leave and find other ways of having your needs met!
But let’s first talk about when exactly it’s time to do so, and make sure you feel like you’ve exhausted all possibilities first.
How Do You Know When It’s Time To Leave a Sexless Marriage?
The journey that led you to this article, likely didn’t happen from one day onto the next.
You probably realized that you and your spouse were having less and less sex, until you eventually stopped having sex ALTOGETHER.
And now you’re wondering whether it’s time to leave your sexless marriage…
Here are the signs that it’s time to finally walk away.
You feel like you really tried everything
You didn’t give up from one day onto the next.
You likely tried very hard to FIX your marriage and made all sorts of efforts to remedy the situation…
But despite all of it, it’s led to nothing but discouraging dead ends!
Which further confirmed that nothing will change, no matter what you try.
When you’ve reached this level of despair, it’s a sign it’s time to leave a sexless marriage.
Your partner or you are not willing to fix things
When a spouse is not willing to make any effort, or take any responsibility for their part in creating a marriage absent of sex, it might be time to walk away.
You might also have reached your OWN limit of being willing to try to fix the situation.
So if one or both of you are no longer willing to try to fix things for months, and you are certain nothing can or will change in your marriage…
Take it as another sign that it’s likely time to walk away from a sexless marriage.
You don’t want to be stuck endlessly begging for attention.
Your marriage is plagued with other problems
Is the absence of sex not the only thing troubling your marriage?
Maybe you can relate to some of the following:
- You constantly fight
- There is no more love or affection
- One or both of you have cheated
- The trust and love has faded
- There is no communication
- Your relationship is more hate than it is love
If some or a lot of these fit for you, understand that this puts ADDITIONAL pressure on you and your marriage.
It’s not just that you’re not having sex, you’re battling with a slew of additional issues that make it difficult to resolve anything at all!
This is another way to know that it’s time to leave a sexless marriage
Not having your sexual needs met is effecting you negatively
Every marriage has dry spells where you might not have sex for weeks at a time, or even a few months when things are more drastic.
But the absence of sex for longer periods (some of you have mentioned years!) takes an emotional and psychological toll.
Because it’s in our nature to want to connect intimately, and our sex drive is a natural component in that (reproduction aside).
So when we do not connect with our spouse for a longer period, we begin to feel isolated and disconnected from them!
So much so you might start to blame yourself and believe you are unlovable or unattractive, which of course hurts…
If you’re experiencing this, it’s another sign that it’s time to walk away from your sexless marriage.
Cheating is common in your marriage now
As devastating as it is, infidelity sometimes happens in marriage, but couples do manage to work through it and heal their marriage.
It is a different matter, however, when cheating is common practice.
When it reaches extremes, it is an open secret that neither partner mentions, where both know that the other knows.
If your marriage has reached this point, and remains sexless, it is another sign you should leave.
Abuse is prevalent in your marriage
And as if things weren’t difficult enough yet, some marriages suffer from emotional, psychological, and physical abuse.
The absence of sex ought not to be your priority here.
If this has been an ongoing issue in your marriage, understand that it has serious, long-term emotional and psychological repercussions that will need time and love to heal.
So you don’t want to waste more time and energy, let alone endure more suffering, if these are your circumstances.
This is the most telling sign that your marriage is over, and you need to walk away now.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
This is actually a very crucial and often overlooked question.
Because there are things that lead to a sexless marriage, and understanding them is the key to resolving it if you want to try.
Responsibilities in life
Demanding jobs, running a household, managing money, taking care of children, taking care of aging parents, taking care of yourself…
There is an endless slew of things, demanding our attention in our day-to-day lives, and the to-do list never ends.
And in today’s ever demanding and fast-paced lifestyle, it can all get so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to get in touch with one’s sexual desires.
Infections and other problems
This point primarily affects women, but is extremely widespread.
More than half of women will have at least one urinary tract infection in their lives, which are often painful and the risk of which can be increased by having sex.
For some, it is even a chronic problem that requires continuous battling against.
This is but one example of many infections and issues that can cause sex to be a painful and torturous experience.
So these are understandable and common reasons for a sexless marriage.
Mental health struggles
Whether it’s depression, grief, post-traumatic stress or fear of intimacy…
There are a slew of mental health issues that can lead to a sexless marriage.
Depending on the severity of a person’s mental health, they may be fighting for their very survival.
So the act of sexual intimacy is hardly a priority to them until they can overcome their more urgent mental health challenges.
Pregnancy and children
Again, one that will only affect women in part, pregnancy and postpartum are no joke.
It might look like a five-minute job in the movies, but the reality of pregnancy and giving birth is that it takes an immense toll, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Not only that, once a child is born, it will obviously need love, attention, and care.
Which is a full-time job in and of itself.
Finding a private moment from children to have sex is difficult, and trying to time that with the right mood is even harder.
So pregnancy and children can also be factors that lead to a sexless marriage.
Lack of communication & understanding
Now, this is where it gets really important.
Because despite everything I’ve listed above, if you and your partner have good communication and understand each other, it is still possible to find through to each other sexually.
Yes, it may take time, but I would argue it’s worth it.
Karolina (my wife who runs this blog with me) and I were surprised to find that so many of our previous intimacy struggles actually stemmed from a lack of understanding each other!
But once we resolved it and could communicate our fears and needs more clearly…
We were able to meet in a way that felt safe AND exciting to both of us.
Lack of emotional connection
And I’m going to hang this one on as the final reason for what causes a sexless marriage.
Because so much of sex, depends on having a strong emotional connection with your spouse.
What this means is, if you are emotionally disconnected from each other, it is very difficult to create a space where trust, intimacy, and sex can flourish.
Because sex is not a mere physical act.
It is a vulnerable, exciting and bonding journey that the two of you embark on every single time.
And a solid emotional connection is key to making that possible.
Effects of a Sexless Marriage
If you suspect that something happens when the intimacy is gone, and that it affects you, then you are right.
Whether you are a man or a woman, a sexless marriage will take a toll on you psychologically, emotionally and physically.
Here are common ways in which a sexless marriage might affect you:
- Experience reduced self-worth
- Feel emotional isolated
- Believing you are unlovable & unattractive
- Feeling anger and resentment towards your spouse
- Feeling a growing distance in your marriage
- Having sexual fantasies, watch porn or even cheat
- Fighting more with your spouse
- You might consider separation
These are the things that you might be experiencing when the intimacy is gone.
Now, if everything you’ve read so far has given you clarity and certainty that walking away from your marriage is the right decision.
Then I respect you on making the choice, and this is where you’ll likely want to stop reading here and instead continue with How to Stop Loving Someone When It Hurts.
But if you’re curious to know whether there are other things you might want to try to rescue your marriage, read on.
Can a Sexless Marriage Be Fixed?
The short answer is yes, a sexless marriage can be fixed.
But it requires work, time and effort from both partners. Often a lot of it.
This means that the issues that cause a sexless marriage, that we covered earlier, must be addressed.
Which would look like this:
Get Responsibilities in life Under Control
You and your spouse need to learn to say “No.”
In particular, to people outside your marriage.
There are likely dozens of things and individuals in your lives that you do not truly need.
Whether it’s the overtime at work, that hobby you’re pursuing half-heartedly, or the endless line of people wanting something from you.
They are there because you are used to having them or believe them to have value.
But it’s helpful to sit down and filter through your responsibilities. Decide what, and who, truly holds and brings value and energy to your life.
And cut the rest out.
Otherwise, neither you nor your spouse will ever have the attention or energy to truly address the challenges of a sexless marriage.
Support your partner in getting through infections and other issues
Some sexual health issues are driven by purely physical problems.
But others are also linked to stress and anxiety.
What’s more, these kinds of issues are often a bit of a taboo. Your partner might be feeling alone with their battle against it.
So make an effort to really understand what it is that they might be struggling with exactly.
If you and your partner can talk about these matters honestly, you can then find creative solutions in bed that you mutually enjoy. Do this and you might be having sex sooner than you think.
Talk about Mental health struggles
Nobody has a clean track record in life, we all have our insecurities and limitations that affect our sex life.
And in a marriage, it is more important than anywhere to talk and be transparent about both of your mental health issues.
And I assure you, it’s both of you.
I was always quick to blame Karolina in our marriage and see her issues and limitations, because it’s always easier to notice things from the outside.
For our male readers, you might find you get a better response from your wife when you respect her feelings.
But I have not met or seen one person in my life who doesn’t struggle with something, or the other. We all have our demons to battle with.
So acknowledging and talking about mental health is an essential step in fixing a sexless marriage.
Allow time for recovery from pregnancy and children
If your sexless marriage is due to a pregnancy, you may have to just wait it out.
Unfortunately, there is no way around it. It might take even a few months for a woman’s body to recover after delivery.
Plus, having sex too soon after giving birth might only lead to even more complications.
As for children, you can either offload some responsibility to family or trusted friends.
Or you can educate your children and be transparent with them about sex and your need for privacy.
Get coaching from a relationship expert
The reasons for a sexless marriage are often layered and complicated.
It can be difficult to fix things when you’re so close to the problem yourself.
This is where I can help you revitalize the sex in your marriage by having a neutral party weigh in on your situation with one-on-one coaching.
In a call, I will listen to your story to understand the struggles you’re having with your spouse that lead to a sexless marriage. You’ll feel less alone with the issue and have someone in your corner.
I will then show you what you need to say and do to resolve what comes in between you and your spouses sex life. Whether it be external circumstances weighing on your marriage or complex struggles between the two of you.
For our female readers, I can recommend you read my other post: What to Do When Your Husband Doesn’t Want You Sexually.
And for male readers you might also want to check out: When Someone You Love Hurts You Deeply – How to Get Through It.
Thank you for reading and let us know what you think caused a sexless marriage and what solutions worked for you, in the comments.