No. It is NOT okay for your boyfriend to hit you!
Regardless of how intense your arguments may be or what the disagreements are.
Him hitting you does NOT solve anything or help anyone.
And the fact that you’re asking yourself ‘Is it okay for my boyfriend to hit me?’ shows just how badly he’s treating you.
Now, you may have heard these words before…
People close to you might have repeatedly told you that it’s definitely NOT okay for your boyfriend to hit you and that you need to get the hell away from him.
That he’s no good and only harming you. That you deserve better and shouldn’t tolerate him any longer…
And in theory you agree and think that you ought to do all of these things.
But it’s not quite so simple, is it…?
You love him and might even feel responsible for what he does. You may have negative voices in your head that justify him hitting you:
- “You deserved it.”
- “It’s for your own good.”
- “You needed to be reminded of your place.”
- “It’s because he cares.”
These are of course all lies.
But nonetheless, what seems like a clear decision to outsiders, feels like a muddled mess of fear, love, and familiarity to you on the inside.
It’s as though you’re trapped in a foggy prison with walls you cannot see nor touch. But they are there.
And at times you may not be sure you want to even leave…
I’m describing it as such because I too was hit (though in a different context, but more on that later) but it took me a long time to understand what was actually done to me and how it affected me.
And only then was I able to unshackle the hold it had on me!
So in this post, I am going to try to meet you where you’re at, while laying out a path that will help you find emotional clarity, gain confidence and liberate you to make your own choices.
There are TWO KEY POINTS that I want to convey today:
1. Your boyfriend is manipulating you with lies to maintain power & control
2. You need to stop believing his lies to finally free yourself
I’ll explain these in more detail as we go along.
Safety First-If Your Situation Is Extreme
Emergency situations should not be diminished and need to be addressed first.
If you are in an extreme situation where your boyfriend is very violent, and you fear for your life, then you need to act now.
I know it may not be easy, but when your safety is at stake, you need to prioritize yourself:
1. Secretly do research on nearby women’s shelters (a quick google search will help) or arrange to stay with friends or family that you know you can trust.
2. Secretly pack your essentials when you know he won’t be back for a while, and leave without him suspecting anything.
3. Build a support network to protect yourself and so you do not slip back into his influence. You can do this through a women’s shelter, support hotlines or what I recommend are support groups, (You can search & find local and online support via Google or Facebook groups)
Again, it may feel like too much too soon. But when your boyfriend is hitting you to a point where you don’t know if you’ll make it through the day, it’s a situation that needs to be taken very seriously.
You DON’T deserve this kind of treatment.
Making Sense Of Your Situation – The Trap of Physical Abuse
When your boyfriend hits you (especially over a longer time) you might feel disoriented and checked out.
It can leave you CONFUSED about what is right or wrong and make it hard to make sense of your situation.
Which is why we’re going to explain the psychological trap of physical abuse, so that you have a better understanding and clarity of what exactly is going on.
Why Your Boyfriend Resorts To Hitting You
Once upon a time, there was a boy whose parents frequently and unjustifiably hit him.
Sometimes his parents would fight between each other and one of them would hit the other.
But often he was the easy target, and they would call him names, tell him that he was bad, that he deserved to be hit and “It’s for your own good!”
That boy then grew to be a man. A man who unfortunately never put his parents’ treatment of him into question…
He buried all of his fear, anger, rage, and shame deep deep inside and justified or denied it all.
Today he believes that this was love and that contempt is how people care for each other, he had disconnected from his inner child that knew it was WRONG.
But what the denial led to was a toxic urge to control, dominate and never relinquish any power. No matter the cost.
So this is what it all boils down to for him: Keeping power & control.
Which he’s desperately holding onto and FEARS to lose.
And so long as he’s not willing to put his abusive behavior that was passed onto him into question, and take steps to fix an abusive relationship, he will remain an abuser.
He will continue justifying the distorted lies that hitting you is somehow okay. Even though deep down, he KNOWS what he’s doing is wrong.
Why You Might Think It’s Okay for Your Boyfriend to Hit You
Now let’s talk about what’s going on for YOU in all of this.
I know it may not be an easy conversation to have, but it’s a necessary one.
Necessary so that you can set boundaries and free yourself from the shackles of the lies that currently bind you.
In order to illustrate, let me tell you part of my own story…
I grew up in a rather unusual environment, that is a hostile and violent boarding school which I had no escape from.
Corporal punishment was standard issue, and I was frequently verbally and physically abused at the hands of supposed care takers and staff.
When the teachers hit me, in their actions and emotions, they conveyed that I was somehow deserving of this treatment and even needed it to improve myself.
To me though (as horrific as it was) it became relatively normal because it was my everyday life and all I knew at the time.
This led to an unconscious tolerance for being hit, because I had been conditioned to believe that being hit was justified and necessary.
Which is an utter LIE.
But these lies are what perpetrators intentionally instill in their victims.
It is their strategy to break and blame the victim.
And when you’ve been exposed to being repeatedly verbally abused or hit, your psychological defenses eventually fold as you are forced to believe the lies.
So how does this all relate to you then?
You, too, have likely been exposed to repeated (often slowly escalating) verbal or physical abuse.
Your boyfriend may have been the first instance of this in your life, but my guess is that others have picked on you before…
And this is what it accumulates to, you end up in a relationship where you might believe it’s okay for your boyfriend to hit you.
With your boyfriend’s lies that create the invisible emotional prison that is keeping you trapped.
So the only way to truly set yourself free, is to no longer let him use you, no longer let him blame you and TEAR his lies apart instead!
Which is exactly what I’m going to help you with in the next point.
Debunking His Lies To Free Yourself
Beyond financial dependencies and physical strength, a large component of what keeps you trapped is what he’s doing to your mind.
He’s feeding you lies that undermine your sense of self-worth and what you feel.
And a lot of these lies aren’t necessarily even verbalized. Did you know that 70%+ of communication is non-verbal cues?
That means that his actions alone can convey toxic lies that are designed to dismantle your reality and give him full control.
So when he hits you, he’s also very actively trying to break you and instill toxic lies.
And this is a super important point that I want you to get.
The prison you are in, is BUILT by the LIES he is telling you when he hits you.
It can go so far that you find yourself blindly agreeing to everything he demands, just to avoid potential repercussions.
So we’re going to undo his spell on you by debunking the 5 most common lies told by a boyfriend who hits his girlfriend.
Lie 1 – “You Deserve It”
One of the most common lies told by a boyfriend who hits you is that you deserve it.
Who decided that you deserved to be hit? Him? What gives him any authority on the matter? Does he think he has the license to hit or some dumb crap like that?
It’s utter nonsense and an absurd FABRICATION to allow himself to get away with hitting you!
Don’t buy into his garbage. What you deserve is for someone to listen and understand your needs, not for them to be denied and beaten into submission.
Lie 2 – “It’s Your Fault”
This is easily the laziest of lies, and don’t believe it for one minute.
When a man abuses his physical power and hits you, it is not your fault. It is HIS fault for being such a coward that he can’t even face that what his father did to him wasn’t okay.
He’d rather carry it forward onto someone smaller and defenseless.
This lie is utter TRASH and belongs in a landfill.
Lie 3 – “It’s Justified, You Just Don’t Understand”
This is another form of gaslighting that is used to make you believe you cannot trust yourself.
BS! You CAN trust yourself!
Look closely and notice that he’s just hiding behind a facade. He doesn’t know JACK about anything! There is nothing he knows that you don’t know, that would justify him hitting you.
Simply NO! Stop endlessly giving, it won’t help you.
When he tries to convince you that he knows better, and you simply don’t understand, call BS. He’s just desperately trying to hold onto the power that’s slipping through his fingers.
Lie 4 – “It’s For Your Own Good”
This is an all-time classic and one of the most blatant lies ever told.
By telling this lie, he is suggesting that him having no self-restraint, moral principles, let alone spine and resorting to hitting you is somehow beneficial for you.
And It is absolutely NOT!
It’s beneficial for him, because he can continue to be the coward who tries to dump all the responsibility on you.
If it were you beating him and telling him, “But baby, remember, it’s for your own good.” he’d change his tune before you even finished the sentence.
Lie 5 – “You Are Weak”
And him telling you otherwise is just another one of his attempts to reinforce helpless- and defenselessness.
There is nothing true about it, it is simply another one of his lies to maintain control and power that he so fears to lose.
You are strong enough to say no to his abusive treatment, you are strong enough to get out of this mess, and you are strong enough to never tolerate a man mistreating you ever again!
Break The Vicious Cycle Of Abusive Partners
This may be the first relationship you are in where your boyfriend hits you, or you may have experienced this before.
Either way, what’s important to understand about your situation is that victims of physical violence often repeatedly end up with boyfriends who hit them.
So getting out of your current situation is half the battle.
What will help you the most in the long term is debunking the lies that create the psychological prison you’re in.
This way, you won’t fall into the vicious cycle of abusive partners without realizing it until it’s too late!
I won’t lie, this is a long and difficult journey.
But YOU CAN DO IT!
Just like myself and countless other people who were in the unfortunate position you are in now.
But we made it out. And you will too! Believe in yourself, get all the help you possibly can, and NEVER. EVER. GIVE UP.
You are worth the time and effort.
And for good measure, let me answer your initial question one last time: No, it is NOT okay for your boyfriend to hit you.
I hope you found this article helpful.
As a read next, I’d suggest a little pick-you-up article my wife wrote that can help you understand what healthy relationships actually look like: 9 Signs of True Love From a Man.
You’ve got this!