When you’re in a love-hate relationship, you’re gonna feel like everything is just right in one moment: you have warm fuzzy feelings and are tots in love with him…
And the next moment the clouds suddenly come rolling in and it’s hard not to hate everything about the guy.
And all of that within a day or even just an hour, leaving you confused, doubtful, and upset.
Does that sound about right?
If so, let’s dive into love-hate relationships and make some sense of them.
After all, having the repeated experience of loving someone one moment and hating them the next, isn’t easy on your nerves or heart.
And we can’t have that now, can we.
Is It Normal to Hate Your Partner?
First things first, how NORMAL is it to hate your partner?
It is not uncommon in relationships, especially if you find yourself hating him from time to time, rather than always.
Most couples we’ve worked with hate something or other about their partner.
Whether it’s a small issue, like the way he tells the exact same story at every social event.
Or big, say when he’s emotionally unavailable, refusing to open up and dismisses your feelings for the hundredth time.
But feeling hatred towards your partner is an indicator that something in your relationship isn’t quite right and could do with ADJUSTING.
More on that later, but first we need to explore a few more questions surrounding love-hate relationships.
Is a Love-Hate Relationship Healthy?
The short answer is, No, it’s not healthy.
But things aren’t always so simple, are they? Since love-hate relationships have -well, BOTH components.
So let’s separate the two for a moment:
1. Everything that is ‘Loving’ in your relationship is definitely healthy and good for yours and his heart, and will help nurture your special connection.
When you’re in the ‘love’ mode, you’re happy right?
There’s little you want to change in that moment, things are pleasant as they are and your relationship will probably look and feel like a healthy one.
2. By contrast, everything that is ‘Hating’ is going to push you both further apart and hurt your relationship. (especially if you’re directing your hatred at each other)
So instead of slapping a generic label on your love-hate relationship and calling it either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’…
We take what IS WORKING and say:
“Awesome! I’m sure when you’re feeling loving, the sparks that go flying between you two can be seen from miles away!”
And then in turn we try and understand where the hate is coming from.
In moments of feeling hateful towards Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) it was ALWAYS a sign that something WASN’T WORKING for me.
I was not getting something in my relationship that I really needed.
So when you’re feeling hateful towards him, think about what you’re NOT GETTING from him that you really need!
Can You Love Someone and Hate Them at the Same Time?
Of course you can.
Let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey as an example.
“I’m crazy in love with you, but I want to kinky-torture you in my play dungeon.”
Or take Edward from Twilight:
“Life without you is simply not possible. But I might just kill you.”
I’m not sure Edward would qualify for many of the signs of true love from a man. -But that’s maybe a story for another time.
What I want to get across is: no relationship is free of some darker elements.
In a sense, EVERY relationship is a love-hate relationship.
So yes, you can love someone and hate them at the same time.
Because at some point or another everybody has moments of hating their partner. We’re only human after all.
But what’s important here, is your ‘Love-Hate RATIO’.
If you’re at 95% Love – 5% Hate, then consider yourself lucky.
But if you feel like you’re more at 50% Love – 50% Hate, then it makes sense you’re looking for answers and a way to increase the love and DECREASE the hate.
Things are certainly more challenging, when you feel MORE hatred than love.
But for now, take a moment to think about what your ‘Love-Hate Ratio’ is.
Is Hate a Sign of Love?
Hate is certainly a strong emotion.
But I would not say it’s a sign of love.
I know it’s a message that is circulated a lot.
That if you hate someone, surely it’s a sign that you deeply care about them?
But as mentioned, hate is a sign that something isn’t working for you in your relationship. And if that sign is ignored for too long, the feelings pile up and can result in some toxic relationship habits.
What Causes a Love-Hate Relationship?
So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?
Alright, let’s do this.
A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.
…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.
But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.
You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris‘)
It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.
And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:
None of us have gone through life unscarred.
Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.
When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.
And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.
Hate is is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.
How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship
In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.
It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.
But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.
Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗
We saw how many couples struggled with their own love-hate dynamic, and it’s the reason we create our Rebuild Your Relationship course for women.
In it we cover our journey, through our love-hate challenges, and how you too, can overcome your own.
We explain where these hateful feelings come from and give you the mindset and exact steps you need to defuse the hate and finally turn your relationship into the loving, connected and stable one you deserve.
If you’d like to learn more about our course, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
Now, I know this can all be a bit of a heavy topic, it’s certainly not an easy one. But maybe a couple of love songs can brighten the mood for you a little here…
Or if you’re really hardcore and want to dig deeper, we’ve also got a great related article that can help you stop fighting in your relationship.
If you’d like to share your relationship story with us or have any questions, leave them in the comments section and we’ll get back to you.
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- Caught in a Love-Hate Relationship, Should You Worry? - 22. March, 2021