There are few things worse than banging on your man’s emotional door and not invoking even the slightest response from him.
What is it with men and their electrified high-security fences?
Why won’t he invite you in? Why won’t he emotionally connect with you?!
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can be frustrating.
You can’t really connect with him on a deeper level.
The truth about why men are often emotionally distant might surprise you.
It’s because they are afraid.
Terribly afraid.
And they don’t even realize it themselves.
1. Understand That Your Man’s Emotional Distance Has Very Little to Do With You
The first step in getting through your man’s emotional barriers is understanding that it’s not your fault he is being this way.
His emotional walls have little or NOTHING to do with you.
They have been there long before you even arrived.
In other words, he’s not specifically rejecting YOU, he’s rejecting EVERYTHING he perceives as “potential threats”.
He probably also plays it safe, so he puts everything on the “potential threat” list, rather than risk getting hurt.
Next up, you need to keep in mind that he’s so used to being emotionally distant and unavailable, that HE DOES NOT EVEN NOTICE IT.
Imagine this conversation:
You: “Honey, I feel like when I try to get through to you emotionally, you put up this impenetrable wall.”
Him: “What are you talking about? What wall? Like a brick wall?”
“No, like an emotional barrier, it’s as though you’re scared of me and don’t want to let me in”
“Me? Scared of you? What? I haveth no fear woman!”
And he’ll go on to denying everything.
Because acknowledging that he has put up a wall, means acknowledging that he’s been hurt.
And that’s a big No-No for men.
Because being hurt means being weak and men aren’t supposed to show any weaknesses.
2. Understand That He Is Wounded And Needs Time To Heal
His wall exists because he’s been hurt in the past. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a wall, he’d be open and easy-going.
He put boundaries up over YEARS to prevent oncoming attacks and prevent getting hurt again.
We all do this to a lesser or greater degree.
It’s just that his boundaries might even rival that great wall in China.
This, of course, makes him very inaccessible and leaves you emotionally unfulfilled.
Which sucks.
So there are certain parts of his emotional world that have been attacked and damaged and they need to be gently healed.
This will take time.
Don’t set yourself up to fail by expecting instantaneous change.
Have you ever broken a bone? It takes months to heal and years for a full recovery.
And it is no different from emotional wounds.
Getting him back on track requires listening, patience and a lot of encouragement.
Bit by bit he will let his walls down.
3. Be Prepared, He Will Test You
Do you know what’s more threatening than an attack?
Somebody getting past your defensive walls of emotional unavailability.
Because without them, you can’t even fend off an attack!
So don’t expect him to initially welcome your desire to get past his guard.
You will encounter a lot of resistance.
The key here NOT TO PUSH.
Pushing him to open up will only VALIDATE his belief in the necessity for his wall and even STRENGTHEN it.
You need to be strategic about this.
When you sense his resistance, accept it and give him space. Come back to it, when he’s cooled off.
Show him that you mean no harm.
You can even TELL HIM that you mean no harm.
In our relationship, we’ve often reassured each other this way.
We gradually let our guard down as the other PROVED to us, that they had good intentions.
He has to SEE that you don’t attack him and are KIND to him instead.
The more times he has the experience of you being gentle and loving when he’s in a tight or vulnerable spot, the more his walls will come down.
And this will happen involuntarily! He won’t have control over it!
The more he sees that you are kind and nurturing instead of attacking, the more his guard will drop, simply because it’s what’s GOOD FOR HIM.
Everybody craves deep meaningful connection, we can’t help but move towards it!
It’s irresistible.
It’s all well and good to be the giving and loving woman, but ultimately you need YOUR pay off too.
And here’s where you get it.
The more you apply the above-mentioned attitude, the less you’ll be banging on his proverbial emotional door asking to be let in.
He’ll gradually trust you increasingly and you’ll finally be able to have the emotional intimacy with him that you desire.
Now if despite everything, he remains emotionally unavailable and you’re not entirely sure how to work around it, you might find it helpful to learn more about how to gain his trust.
Ultimately, the more times you’ve proven to him that you’re “Safe”, the easier and faster his walls will come down.
If you’re interested in having some extra help getting his walls down, you might want to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we teach you exactly how to approach your emotionally unavailable man so that he finally opens up and you can have the connection with him that you want. You’ll also learn to avoid the common mistakes women make when trying to get their man to trust them, which undo any progress towards connecting with him.
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
In case you have any questions about any of these points, drop me a comment and I’ll get back to you.
Gabriel
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Hello,
I have been dating a really great guy for 3-4 months. We have fun, similar interest.
However, he will never invite me to hang with is friends and his friends are all couple’s. I know it probably is not necessary all me. But why? I think he either like to keep his boundaries within the circles of friends and the same with ours.
I don’t think that he ever says that he has a girlfriend…
Please advise.
He is dealing with depression and I can relate.
I know i need to be very patient, show him I’m I care, encourage and build him up.
Ultimately, he’s responsible for his own happiness.
What are the signs that I should look for to know if I need to get out to protect healthy boundaries as well?
Thank you in advance!
Respectfully,
Joy
Hi Joy,
It sounds like you’re doing a lot right to begin with and it’s great that you’re taking care of yourself here too.
His behavior suggests he might have had a bad experiences when mixing friend circles, so he’s playing it ultra safe. But if he’s being this careful about it and isn’t even mentioning he’s together with someone, it might be a sign of him hiding something, especially if this behavior continues in over months.
As for signs to look out for, first and foremost check in with yourself. If it feels like you’re at your limit with not getting what you need from him, then you’re simply at your limit. You decide how long you’re willing to wait for him to involve you more in his life.
Now, not to suggest that he’s a player, but in our post ‘Signs He’s a Player‘ we actually have signs that you can use as indicators as to when it might be a good time to either confront him or bail.
I hope it helps Joy!
Wow! Thank you for this article! My instincts are rarely wrong, I knew something was terribly off! I just could not put my finger on my partner’s distance. We’ve known each other for years but never solidified our relationship as I am on the East coast and he is on the West. He has been saying for years that I should move back to the West coast and that I should visit him. I suggested that he visit me. So we made plans for him to visit which was challenging as he is very busy with a few business ventures. One of my biggest issues is that with all the planning and discussion of our future. and having me return to the West coast was all communicated via text. I am not a fan and mentioned that this form of communication is quite impersonal…he agreed. During his visit, there was no mention of me returning to the West. After he left I only heard from him once and that was when he landed. When I reach out to him, he will reply via text but never initiate the conversations and heaven forbid will he ever call. Yet before his visit, we’d talk for hours and have a great time but it’s mostly surface and rarely in-depth conversations. I once asked if he was even into me, and he stated that he’s always been into me. Yet he could go 3, 5, 7 even 9 days without a call, text, or email. If I inform him that I feel isolated and would like it that he initiated contact. He just states that I can always call and he will pick up if he’s not busy. I’m perplexed.
All the best,
Hi Smen,
My pleasure and thank you too!
I have to say, his behavior is not exactly trust inducing and does suggest he’s not serious about making it work or taking things further.
If you’re communicating your needs and he’s unresponsive and doesn’t seem to show active interest, it’s worth cutting to the chase. Depending on how long you’ve known each other and if you want it, you can initiate active discussion about you moving to the west coast or vice-versa and see how he reacts.
This way based on his response you’ll know if he’s just going to infinitely drag things out or if he’s serious about having a relationship with you.
My husband was a loving, caring and emotional person before we got married. He gave me so much attention but now all he complaint about is busy at work to the fact that he doesn’t spend 3sec with me on phone
Hi Evelyn,
I imagine it might be heartbreaking for you, that he stopped all of his efforts and that you don’t get attention from him anymore.
It sounds like a lot has changed since you first got together… We do have a lot of articles that you’ll likely find helpful for your situation in our ‘relationship‘ category. You can of course also email us if you’d like to talk more about it.
I really hope you can work things out with your husband.
Best,
Gabriel
Hi Gill, that’s quote a complex story, with quite a few issues. On one hand you’re not getting what you want from him, so much so that it’s even making you want to break up. But on the other hand you guys really care about each other and a see a future together.
Two weeks is a long time to not have any contact in a 9 month relationship. The fact that he hasn’t gotten back to you yet, would indicate that there might be more issues on his end that he is not telling you about. Maybe there are things that he is not getting from you too, but feels like there isn’t any room for that…
The best way for you to show him that you want to be there for him, it to reach out but just to check in. Ask him where he is at. Make an effort to really listen to him, even if what he says is hard to hear.
This is the article I’ve been looking for! All the others I’ve read just said to leave him. But I am so in love with this guy and I don’t understand it.
In the beginning, he was very sweet, nurturing, caring, responsive and we really connected. He told me that he had never felt this way about anyone before and he was catching feelings for me. About a month ago, he just pulled away. He started being selfish, rude and disrespectful. He came around less and he will threaten our budding relationship the minute we get in a fight or argument. I know he’s doing it because he doesn’t want to get hurt again and I had no idea what to do.
Hi Toni,
I’m glad to hear you found what you’re looking for here!
I’ll tell you from my own experience in our relationship, that your boyfriend likely feels emotionally threatened by your growing connection and finds ways to try and diminish it. Getting past these barriers is no easy feat and will take time.
What got my guard down the most was that Karolina would empathize with my struggles (unrelated to our relationship) by taking my side at all times. This was an indirect way of gaining my trust and contributed significantly towards me stopping the relationship sabotage I was doing.
Having said it all that it’s important to strike a balance and feel like you’re getting what you want out of the relationship too! So set some boundaries if necessary.
I hope he comes around.
Best,
Gabriel
Hello. I really liked this article. I am actually a therapist myself and feel these types of articles are informative and help me, also. It is difficult to discern when you are in that relationship with an unavailable person what all is going on. You all have given the reader great insight. I’m wondering if you all can give more examples of what are good things to say when communicating with an unavailable partner. You did give some things. For example…a person one is dating might say, “You are acting crazy!”…(Just one example of a defensive statement from an unavailable person.) A response would be…”You are saying you feel I act crazy because I want to spend more time with you. Am I hearing that right?” I am wondering if you can do more in depth article on how to deal with defensive behaviors of unavailable people? Any way, thanks for all your great work!
Hi Kelly,
Thank you and I’m happy to hear you found the post helpful.
In a situation like the one you’re describing, reflecting the person’s statement is definitely a good first step.
An important additional component while reflecting is empathizing and even showing some emotional vulnerability, especially with emotionally unavailable men, so that they can build more trust towards you.
We’ve covered a bit of this in 3 Easy Hacks to Communicate Effectively.
I hope it gives you some answers
Karolina
So is it possible that while you’re waiting for your *unemotional man* to come around, he’s busy having secret relationships with other women?
What do you do then?
Hi Elizabeth!
Yours is a very different situation with a very different problem. Regardless of whether this guy is emotionally unavailable or not, it sounds like he has been lying to you and cheating… You might want to reevaluate if he is worth your time. You deserve better than this.
Best
Karolina
My boyfriend of 6 months- friends 3 years- has an extensive history of hurt. Divorce and absent relationship with his teen daughter. We have the most amazing chemistry, friendship, passion. We have been through a lot. We had been making forward progress at a pace he helped set… was there for me for a surgery. Slowly getting close to my kids. We’ve been on trips. Flowers cards. Asked to meet my parents, even talked about living together. I’m very affectionate, understanding, loving ect. He’s told me many times I’m nothing like his past relationships.. in fact told me I was the ONE. He suffers from depression. Out of the blue- dumped. No explanation except.. it’s too real. It’s overwhelming. What on earth do I do??? I LOVE him. We’ve fought so hard to be here. Now he wants space. I’m over here broken hearted. Walk? Or let him be. I’ve fought tooth n nail to get to this great point.. and he freaked.
Hi Nadine,
that’s a tough situation he’s put you in.
The fact that you had such a great connection and have faced hardships together tells me you’ve built a solid foundation and that he’s definitely into you. What you’re experiencing is something we refer to as “Too much love!”.
It’s when guys freak out and run for the hills, NOT because of problems in your relationship, but because of how GOOD it is. He fears the love and change that will come with it.
I went through something similar with Karolina, where I too, broke things off because I became afraid of our growing connection. It took 1-2 months of Karolina giving me space and understanding what about things being so nice scared me so much, for me to finally came back around.
It’s obviously a hurtful situation and you’ll need to decide whether he’s worth the wait for you or whether you want to walk.
I hope he wakes up to what he might be losing sooner than later.
Gabriel
Hey Karolina, thank you for this post. Been hitting a wall with my boyfriend and I always thought maybe we were wrong for each other. Now I know to take my time with him and be ready to be tested. Thank you
Hi Desua! I’m really glad to hear it helped.