Photo by Liza Summer

If you’re wondering how to self soothe anxious attachment, it’s a sign you’re already on the right path!

You must already know that, unfortunately, you can’t rely on your partner for this.

But you can give yourself the exact kind and amount of reassurance you need in order to feel more safe and secure in your relationship.

In this article, I’ll describe five powerful strategies to self-soothe anxious attachment. So that you can calm down, relax and feel better about yourself.

But before diving into things you can do, I want to first dispel some myths that might be making your anxiety worse.

What Triggers Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment stems from deep-rooted fears that originated in your past.

However, there is also a second, more direct source that can trigger your anxiety: the people in your life right now.

This is something I wish somebody would have told me back then when I struggled with doubts and overthinking in my relationship. Because, it’s not all on you…

Getting lost in fears and doubts can be contagious!

Others might project their own anxiety onto you and trigger you to feel the same way they do.

If you notice that you suddenly feel panicked after spending time with a particular friend or a family member, consider that they might have said or done things that made you feel this way.

Another huge but often overlooked trigger for anxious attachment is YOUR PARTNER.

I know this might be a bit surprising to hear.

After all, they’re likely the person who complains about it the most.

But, the truth is, they can CONTRIBUTE or even CREATE scenarios and situations that end up triggering both of you.

I’ve experienced this myself, it’s also true for all of our coaching clients who struggle with anxiety: we tend to get together with someone who is the opposite puzzle piece to our own character.

People who struggle with anxious attachment often fall in love with avoidants or emotionally unavailable partners.

If this is the case for you then, chances are, your significant other likely unknowingly riles you up with their indecision, carelessness, occasional unreliability, exaggerated need for space or even by acting distant and rejecting.

Loving someone with avoidant attachment brings up a whole lot of challenges, many of which are bound to trigger your anxiety and test your nerves.

The same is true for being together with an emotionally unavailable partner.

How Do You Break the Cycle of Anxious Attachment

Now that you understand just how big of a trigger your significant other can be, you’ll probably guess that in order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you’re going to have to change your attitude towards them.

It’s ok to need reassurance in a relationship. But you can’t rely on your partner to soothe your anxious attachment style.

You’ll only continue needing things from them, they simply cannot give you.

This is a fundamental truth I wish I would have learned sooner: you need to stop expecting you from people, or you’ll end up endlessly chasing them and never getting what you want and need.

In order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you need to start seeing that your partner has their own limitations and ways of sabotaging the relationship.

What’s more, they care more about you than they are willing to show or admit.

Avoidants and emotionally unavailable people tend to massively underestimate the strength of their own attachment.

This is why you need to look at their actions, learn to read between the lines and trust your gut.

Deep down, you know how your partner truly feels about you.

You can trust it.

You can break the cycle of anxious attachment by becoming your own source of stability and security in your relationship.

5 Powerful Strategies To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment

Self soothing anxious attachment is all about getting yourself to relax and feel better.

The strategies I list below are things I used to do and now recommend to my coaching clients.

You don’t have to do them in any particular order. We’re all different and have our own personal coping mechanisms.

So select whatever strategy suits you best and feel free to mix things up.

1. Write Down Ten Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner

When anxiety hits us, we tend to focus on our own flaws and shortcomings.

But nobody is perfect. I’m sure there are things about your partner you don’t like, or maybe you even feel like ‘you could do better…’

To self soothe anxious attachment, take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you DON’T like about your significant other.

What are their flaws? You feel they don’t have any? Uh-uh, dig deeper, I’m sure you can come up with a lot of things…

It’s time to validate that critical and selfish part of you. It will help feel more confident and in control.

2. Over-text Yourself

Texting can be a great outlet for emotions. However, over-texting can also do a lot of damage in a relationship.

You might end up saying things you don’t mean or pushing your partner to pull away and stop replying to you.

A great hack I recommend to my clients for coping with this is:

When you feel yourself becoming clingy or needy, imagine you’re texting your partner, but actually send the messages to yourself.

This way you can let things out without any risks.

Sure, it’s not the same, you’re not going to get a response. But your significant other will like not reply in a way you’d need them to anyhow!

So spare yourself any additional drama and self soothe your anxious attachment by over-texting yourself.

3. Organize or Clean Something While Listening to Music

This is actually something I still do whenever I get riled up about stuff. Gardening, repotting, cleaning or organizing things at your place are great physical outlets.

They’ll keep both your body and your mind busy.

Providing the right soundtrack for your activity will make room for you to process feelings, let out your anger or grieve at the same time.

It’s a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment and is bound to leave you tired but relaxed and with a sense of accomplishment.

4. Indulge in a Guilty Pleasure

We all have things we like doing but are slightly ashamed of. Maybe there is a new season of a trashy reality show you secretly enjoy.

Or you might have a book you keep on reading or a movie you like watching over and over again.

The reason you like doing these silly little things is because they likely can provide some of that sense of emotional security you crave.

It could be the themes or some of the characters that make you feel safe.

It’s ok to escape and treat yourself sometimes. Especially when you really need it.

This is why indulging in a guilty pleasure is a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment.

5. Do Something With Friends That Your Partner Refuses to Do

Surely there are things you’ve been wanting to do with your partner for a while and you just somehow never got to it.

Your significant other might have straight up refused to do them with you, or they could always find a good excuse to put it off once again.

Maybe there is a cheesy, romantic comedy you’ve been wanting to watch for a while, a challenging hike, a museum you wanted to visit or even a weekend trip you’ve been putting off for months.

It’s time to stop waiting and go find someone else, who would be happy and ready to participate in your activity of choice.

This is a great strategy to self-soothe anxious attachment.

It’ll make you feel empowered. You’ll experience what it’s like to finally get what you want from someone.

It’s also bound to make your partner at least a little jealous and motivate them to make more effort.

Can You Heal Anxious Attachment

Yes, you can absolutely heal anxious attachment. I’ve done it myself. I used to feel very insecure and afraid of being abandoned.

To make matters worse, I fell head over heels for an avoidant who kept on breaking up with me.

We managed to turn things around, are now married and run this blog together.

I’ve also helped many other clients get a handle on their anxiety and consequently turn their relationships around.

Healing anxious attachment is a self propelling cycle.

This means that the moment you feel less anxious and more confident in your relationship, it motivates your partner to make more effort.

Which in turn will help you heal further…

The most important part of this process is to jump start it, so that you start moving in the right direction.

If you’re struggling with getting a handle on your anxious attachment, I can help you regain control over it in a coaching call.

There I’ll listen, take your side and build you up, so that you’ll become less anxious and more confident instead.

I’ll also give you tips on how to approach your partner, to get them to start making more effort and give you more of what you need from them.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

A common problem a lot of our clients with anxious attachment tend to struggle with is getting deeply attached almost right away.

They can’t help but be vulnerable this way and keep on risking getting heartbroken and rejected over and over again.

If this is something you struggle with, check out my other post:

“Why Do I Get Attached So Easily?” – Learn to Guard Your Heart

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions, leave me a comment below, and I’ll get back to you.


Karolina Bartnik