Photo by Joanna Nix

Do you ever find your mind turning in circles?

Like you’re a car on a race track, trying to get to the finish line as fast as possible? So that you can finally figure out what the hell is going on?

I would personally do a lot of this in my relationships.

And it burnt me out!

In order to stop overthinking there are a couple of things that need to happen.

I’d like to take you through the steps so that you can gain a better understanding of what’s happening.

And how you can stop OVERTHINKING and start enjoying your relationship instead.

1. Understanding Why You’re Overthinking Will Help You Change

The first step is to understand your motivation for overthinking.

I used to think I was just trying to find A SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM in my relationship.

It would start with something about mine or my partner’s behavior.

But the thoughts in my head would tend to escalate and I rarely came to any clear and final conclusions.

Overthinking only made those relationship problems seem scarier and more overwhelming.

It would become an endless cycle of fear and doubt…

And that brings me to the real truth about OVERTHINKING.

It has nothing to do with “THINKING” and everything to do with DOUBT, FEAR and sometimes panic.

What helped me snap out of this vicious cycle was to stop focusing on the THOUGHTS in my head, and start focusing on my FEELINGS instead.

Doing this would suddenly make me see the REAL PROBLEM that was causing me to overthink:

Something about my relationship was worrying me a lot.

Understanding the real reasons behind overthinking can help you break out of the vicious cycle of stubborn thoughts and doubts.

This is the first step in overcoming this problem.

2. Figuring out Your Feelings Will Help You Gain Control

Now that you know that overthinking is a sign that something about your relationship is worrying you, you can now ask yourself:

“What is is that I’m actually worried about?”

These are some of my fears that caused me to overthink:

  • Being afraid of getting trapped in an unhappy relationship
  • Worrying that Gabriel doesn’t really love me and might leave
  • Fear of repeating my parents’ mistakes in relationships

Diverting your attention AWAY from your thoughts and putting it on your FEELINGS will help you gain over the situation.

You’ll be able to draw conclusions and take actions to counteract your fears.

For example:

Realizing that I was really afraid of repeating my parents’ mistakes immediately made me think of ways of making sure that never happens:

My parents argued A LOT and were often verbally abusive with each other.

The way for me to avoid having this problem was to focus on learning effective communication in my relationship.

Everybody has got different fears about their relationship.

You’ll focus on yourself here and your own perception of things.

Getting in touch with your feelings will help you understand your fears and figure out a plan of action to counteract them!

3. The Best Way To Stop Overthinking Is By Feeling Understood

In point #1 we covered how understanding the underlying reasons for overthinking will be helpful in STOPPING the vicious cycle of stubborn thoughts.

In point #2 we went over how getting in touch with your own feelings and fears will help GAIN CONTROL and counteract them.

Now we’ve arrived at the last step:

The best way to stop overthinking is to feel UNDERSTOOD!

Unfortunately, it’s really difficult to fully deal with this problem all on your own.

In my experience, the most effective way to stop overthinking is by SHARING your fears with someone else and having them fully get you.

The two previous steps are really helpful preparation for this.

Getting out of the cycle of vicious thoughts and having some understanding of them can really help you express yourself more clearly.

This, in turn, will make it significantly easier for the person you’re talking to, to really GET YOU!

Sharing your reasons for overthinking with somebody on the OUTSIDE can be extremely helpful.

Because it can help you snap out of your own patterns and see things in a new light.

Just the simple act of having to formulate your own thoughts and saying them out loud can make things much clearer.

Moreover, having to deal with fears and doubts all by yourself often makes them stronger.

Sharing your worries with another person can take away their power.

Gabriel and I share all our fears and doubts with each other.

We go on really long walks and have lengthy conversations where we discuss all our scary thoughts.

Being able to share the doubts and worries about your relationship directly with your partner is the best.

He can counter your fears and reassure you about them.

We didn’t use to be able to do that. There was a time in our relationship when we couldn’t talk without arguing.

But we worked on our communication and figured out ways to really hear each other out.

Putting your fears and doubts out there and having someone receive them will make you feel less alone and overwhelmed.

It can also be helpful and reassuring to gain an outsider’s perspective of your problems.

Overthinking in relationships can be a big problem.

It can make you doubt EVERYTHING and cause you a lot of emotional distress.

The 3 steps I use to cope with it in my relationship are:

  1. Understand overthinking is a result of fear
  2. Get in touch with your feelings to figure out what you’re really worried about
  3. Discuss your worries with a trusted person to get reassurance and feel understood

Steps #1 and #2 can help you organize things in your head and so increase your chance of being really received.

But the best way to REALLY stop overthinking is to have someone fully understand you. (Ideally your partner of course)If you’re not sure how to do that, you mind find it helpful to read about how to get your man to listen to you and reassure you about your thoughts and fears.This way you won’t have to face your fear all by yourself. It can make them less powerful and scary.

You won’t need to be afraid of those things anymore and they’ll no longer cause you to overthink.

In case you feel hesitant about sharing your worries and doubts with your man or need help with getting him to really understand and receive you, you might want to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship Course.

In it we give you clear outlines and steps to untangle- and make sense of, the often disorienting rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. You’ll then learn how to convey them in a confident and clear way to your man, so that you feel truly understood and can finally put all the over-thinking to rest.

If you’re interested in learning more, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

I hope you found this article helpful.

If you’d like to, check out our Best Relationship Affirmations for Love and Connection to build more confidence and overthink less. 

And as usual, please leave your questions in the comments section and I’ll get back to you!


Karolina Bartnik