Your boyfriend broke up with you, and now you’re wondering: Is this it? Or is he going to come back to me?
In most cases, male dumpers always come back sooner or later. There are a few exceptions to this rule, though.
My then boyfriend, now husband, broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. He would always eventually start becoming interested and chase me again. We’re happily married now, so I’m living proof that guys come back after dumping you.
At this point, I’ve also coached hundreds of women on how to get their ex back. Many of them were asking me this very question: Is he ever going to come back? In about 90% of cases, the answer was always YES.
Our attachments are far stronger than most of us would like to believe. It’s not any easier for him to let go, than it is for you. Being the dumper, gives your ex power and control, though. Because of this, he might be acting cool or careless.
But the moment you manage to take the power away from him, he will start having second thoughts and hovering around you again.
In this blog post, I will explain why dumpers act this way and what you can expect of your ex.
Will He Miss Me After Dumping Me?
If your breakup is fresh, you must still be in the midst of an emotional storm. Being broken up with is tough. It takes a toll on your self-esteem, makes you miserable and desperate.
When you’ve just been abandoned this way, you might be wondering: Is he as upset as I am? Doesn’t he feel heartbroken about losing me too?
And if a few days or weeks have already passed, you’ve observed your ex’s behavior since then, and HE SEEMS FINE. You must be breaking your head, thinking: Why is he acting so cool? Doesn’t he miss me at all?!
Most dumpers will miss you, however, they will not miss you nearly as much as you will miss them.
The person who decides to break up generally feels confident that they could reverse it, if they chose to. This gives your ex a false sense of safety and security, that then allows him to remain cool and composed.
A dumper needs to go through a few emotional stages, before he actually wakes up to the breakup.
You might be heartbroken over losing him, meanwhile he doesn’t feel like he lost you, so why should he be upset…
To him, it’s as though you’re just taking some time apart. He might be a little sad, a little lonely, but it’s a far cry from where you’re at.
What Makes a Man Come Back After a Breakup
A dumper lives in a delusion that he is in control, you’re crazy about him, you’re more attached than he is etc. Because of this, he might stay distant and act careless without worrying about the consequences.
However, once his delusion starts to fade a little and your ex starts feeling like he is losing control over you, he will come back.
When he stops knowing what you’re up to, or your behavior suddenly changes: you’re not crying or chasing him the whole time, that’s when doubts will slowly start creeping in, and he will then try to sneakily regain that sense of control.
This is why exes reach out after a period of no contact. Or they start sending you subtle signs, to get you to make the next move.
Some men don’t dare to or can’t come back on their own.
But they will do small things to get your attention and check if you’re still hooked or not. Like viewing or reacting to your posts and stories, posting things that are meant for you, or finding an excuse to pop by (even if it is to pick up their things from your place).
How Often Do Male Dumpers Come Back
In my experience, 9 out of 10 times male dumpers come back, but not to get back together right away.
They start finding excuses to talk, check if you still care and are interested, or if things can change (if they broke up because of some relationship problem).
Especially if he said you were perfect and then dumped you for no good reason, the chances of him coming back are close to 100%. It’s a sign you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, your relationship seemed too good to be true, so he sabotaged it.
Avoidants often need extra encouragement in the beginning. But they will always find their way back to you, as long as you don’t reject them too hard.
What Makes a Guy Not Come Back After a Breakup
There are a few cases when guys don’t come back after they dump you. They are more on the rare side, but they do happen. If any of the following situations fits your case, there is really no point for you to wait for him.
If He Broke up With You, to Get You to Chase Him
Much like women, men can sometimes give you the cold shoulder to get you to prove to him that you care. He can be doing it as a last resort, to get his point across, or because, according to him, he was making much more effort in the relationship than you were.
Needless to say, if this is the case, he will most likely not come back on his own.
He might be hurting after the breakup so deeply, he will simply remain stuck in his own pain and resentment.
When this is the case, you will need to come his way first and prove to him that you care as much as he does.
He Might Not Come Back if You Were Ignoring His Boundaries
The second case scenario when a male dumper might not come back is when your breakup became very messy.
There are cases when a guy breaking up or withdrawing, triggers something in you. A frenzy takes over, makes you act a bit crazy and you override all his boundaries.
Everybody gets desperate after being broken up with, I did, many of our clients did too. However, there are some rare cases that take it to an extreme and drive their ex away completely.
If you’ve been over texting, popping by his flat or house or work, crying, begging, convincing him, you might have sabotaged your chances for good.
He may never come back after this and will definitely not come back any time soon.
If you did this and are now blocked on everything, know that any further pursuit of your ex will only make your situation worse.
How Long Until a Male Dumper Comes Back
Here, I want to differentiate between your ex coming back after dumping you vs getting back together, because these are two very different timelines.
There are cases when an ex comes back, says he was an idiot and wants to go back to being in a relationship right away. But they’re very rare, and you actually have to wait much longer.
This could happen if he moved on very fast, his rebound failed, and he is desperate to have you back afterward.
But for the most part, guys first only come back only to make you feel like they’re interested again. The getting back together part happens a bit later.
Most male dumpers will start coming back, the moment you send them subtle signals that you might be moving on.
So this actually depends on you. It tends to take anywhere from one week to six months.
As long as you’re chasing him, he will have no reason to come back.
But the moment you make him feel like you might be slipping away, he will find a way to check in and ensure that it doesn’t happen.
Why Some Men Come Back Months Later
In certain cases, men take much longer to start warming up to you again. Some men come back months later because you continue chasing them.
As long as you’re fuelling your ex’s sense of security by: telling him you miss him, needing things from him, telling him you love him, he will have no reason to really miss you, let alone start worrying about losing you.
Even if these are rare instances that only happen once every few weeks. By acting desperate (even occasionally) you can keep your ex at bay for MONTHS.
Another reason why an ex might take this long to come back to you is when he got into a rebound relationship. When this is the case, having a new girlfriend will keep him busy and preoccupied. Initially, he will go through a honeymoon phase with her.
People tend to get into rebound relationships on a whim, though. This is why they’re often terrible matches that inevitably fail.
When a man comes back months later, chances are his rebound went wrong, and he is ready to try to fix things with you instead.
Is Doing No Contact the Best Way to Get a Male Dumper to Come Back
No contact is definitely a better way to approach your ex than chasing him, crying, begging, convincing etc. However, it has its limits too.
What you want to watch out for is doing ‘no contact’, then to only relapse into desperation, followed by doing more no contact.
Every time you’re acting desperate, you’ll be undoing all the progress and further fuelling your ex’s sense of safety and control. This is the road that will make you drift apart.
The male psychology of the no contact rule is not what experts often say.
Not interacting with him alone will not make your ex come back. What’s more, men are actually quite sensitive to rejection.
In my experience, applying the no contact rule for longer than two weeks doesn’t benefit him. At that point, you’re just drifting further and further apart.
This is why we actually recommend that our coaching clients apply the limited contact rule instead.
By keeping in touch with your ex, you can undermine his false sense of safety much sooner. It also allows you to make sure that you don’t reject your ex too hard.
If you want to learn how to apply our limited contact rule in detail, this is something we teach in our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, we will give you detailed guidelines, to ensure that you can get your ex to come back as soon as possible. This way, you can be sure you’re moving things in the right direction.
Click here to check out Get Your Ex Back.
If you’re looking for some further guidelines on this topic, check out my other blog post: Do Exes Come Back? – An Honest Answer
Thank you for reading! In case you have any doubts or questions, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you!
Karolina
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