How do you communicate with a man who won’t communicate?
If you find yourself in this very situation, then chances are you can already sense him becoming more distant and shutting down emotionally, and you wish he would have just told you what is going on.
If only he just openly said what is not working for him, you could already start fixing it!
But no, your boyfriend or husband seems to endlessly resist all your efforts and continues to stay silent, even though you know that something IS bothering him.
Communicating with a man who won’t communicate is no easy feat, but it can be done. In this blog post, I will share tips on how to approach your significant other so that you can get past his defensive walls and get him to open up to you again.
But before going into what to do, I want to first outline what’s making him act this way.
3 Most Common Reasons Why a Man Won’t Communicate
Understanding why your boyfriend or husband doesn’t want to talk will help you approach him the right way. Because, even though it might seem like he is just being defensive or difficult, it’s never quite so simple.
In his head, he likely has good reasons for shutting you out and distancing himself.
Some of them might have to do with you and your relationship, while others are the result of his past experiences and his upbringing.
1. He Is Holding a Grudge
One of the most common reasons why someone doesn’t want to talk is that they are holding a grudge about something.
For example, you might have said something judgmental about his gaming habits or didn’t appreciate something he did. But rather than straight-up say what is bothering him, he is trying to communicate his upsetness by giving you the silent treatment.
Unfortunately, this kind of childish behavior is far more common in relationships than we’re all willing to admit. Even though it might be his direct reaction to something you said or did, there is also another, deeper underlying reason for him to be so quick to shut you out and distance himself:
Your boyfriend or husband might not have had the healthiest of role models when it comes to communicating when growing up. He might have picked up some bad, self-defeating habits that are now keeping him isolated and making him shut down emotionally.
So the reason he doesn’t talk is: on one hand, he might not know how and when to say things in a way that will make him feel heard.
And on the other hand, he also likely doesn’t know how to respond to you communicating things to him and feels threatened easily.
3. He Says Things That Are Hurtful to Hear
Sometimes it might seem like a man won’t communicate, when in reality he is in fact saying things the whole time. It’s just that the things he is communicating can be very hurtful or scary, so much you literally can’t hear them.
For example, he might be telling you about his relationship doubts or making unreasonable demands. These kinds of things might be so outrageous or scary, it’s hard to take them seriously. So they just kind of slip your mind.
When this happens to you, it might seem that your boyfriend or husband isn’t communicating, when in fact he is. It’s just that he is saying things you can’t or don’t want to hear.
How Do You Deal With a Significant Other Who Doesn’t Communicate
Communication is always a problem in relationships, and in most cases couples struggle with all three of the above-mentioned reasons.
A man who doesn’t want to talk is likely holding a grudge. But at the same time, he is probably also stuck in self-defeating patterns he picked up in his past. Only to make matters worse, he likely tried communicating certain things to you, but you just couldn’t hear him out.
Getting through to him will feel like navigating a maze with lots of booby traps. But it can be done. To illustrate how to do it, I want to share a story with you guys.
One of our coaching clients – Jessica – found herself in a relationship rut.
Her boyfriend just started a new job and shortly after started becoming increasingly distant. No matter what she tried, he remained grumpy, fought her on everything and spent all his free time gaming.
When she reached out to us, she was on the verge of a breakup. She just couldn’t take it anymore.
It took two things for her to turn it all around:
Doing Something He Wants or Likes Will Get His Guard Down
Dealing with a man who doesn’t communicate will require a huge dose of patience.
You will have to give in and come his way, at least to some degree.
In Jessica’s case, her boyfriend refused to do anything else than gaming. The moment he stopped working, all he wanted to do was shoot virtual enemies all night long.
She was really irritated with it, but then she realized that gaming was his only way to relieve stress from his job.
Instead of taking his inactivity as a personal rejection, she saw that he is struggling with something and that this is his way of coping with it.
One evening she sat next to him, started watching his game and browsing her phone. Initially he was suspicious and felt judged, but she told him she is just tired but doesn’t want to be all by herself.
She kept on observing what he was doing and made a few genuinely nice comments about his gaming skills.
This was enough to win him over.
Eventually, he asked if she was hungry. They ended up making food together and started TALKING. This was actually a huge win, because they haven’t had a conversation this long in months!
In order to communicate with a man who won’t communicate, you will likely need to start by winning him over similarly. Doing something he likes or wants might be the ONLY way to get his guard down.
Set Boundaries to Get Him to Take You Seriously and Prevent Him From Using You
The second component of getting through to a man who is bad at communicating is setting boundaries with him. This is often the only way to get him to take you seriously and keep his own bad habits in check.
In Jessica’s case, her boyfriend and her lived together, and he was just expecting her to do all the housework.
Much like him, she had a full time job and wanted him to help out, at least a bit.
She told him she needs him to start putting his own dirty dishes away.
Initially, he rebelled and they both let everything pile out on the kitchen counter. But after a few days of not having any clean plates, he finally backed down and learned the lesson.
He started taking her requests more seriously and actually made an effort to come her way too.
Putting your foot down and making a guy feel the consequences of his choices is often what it takes to get him to take you seriously. Even if he initially only stubbornly rebels and remains distant, someone who truly cares about you will eventually get your point and come around.
How to Communicate With a Man Who Won’t Communicate
In order to communicate with a man who won’t communicate, you will have to apply both of the above-mentioned approaches:
1. Get him to drop his guard down by caving in and giving him what he wants
2. Setting boundaries to get him to take you seriously
Fixing this problem is going to be a long term process. But it’s all about getting things to start moving in the right direction.
If you’re looking for a complete step-by-step guide on how to get through to a man, this is something we teach in our online course: Rebuild Your Relationship
Here we will give you the exact phrases you can use, to get him to listen and take you seriously.
We will also teach you how to approach a man to motivate him to make more effort and give you more of what you want in your relationship.
How do you know when a guy is using you? Giving and taking is a normal part of any relationship. And it doesn’t always need to be equal.
There are always times when one of you is struggling and needs more help than the other. There are also things you might be better at providing than he is.
And vice versa, he can likely give you other things that come easier to him.
However, if you’re questioning if a guy is using you, then chances are that the scales of giving and taking fell out of balance for you in your relationship lately.
Maybe he has been dragging his feet and making you do all the work. Or he made you feel like he just doesn’t care if you’re even there or not.
Realizing that you’re being used by a man is always tough.
In this blog post, I’ll help you know for sure what’s going on. I will list seven warning signs to watch out for, and then give you tips on what to do when a guy is just using you.
1. He Is Very Inconsistent
One of the biggest signs that a man is using you is when his behavior towards you is extremely inconsistent.
He fluctuates between needing space and not responding, and being sweet, charming, showering you with compliments or even gifts.
This is a tough one to notice, because you have no reason not to trust him, and he likely comes up with some good excuses and then softens you with his charm.
I want to share a story with you guys about this sign. This is something that happened to a coaching client of ours.
She was dating a guy who would straight up vanish. He would ask for space and stop responding, only to come back a few dates later, acting in the sweetest of ways and showering her with compliments.
This kept on happening until she found out he had a drinking problem. But once she confronted him about it, he just left for good.
When a guy’s behavior towards you is so inconsistent, it’s because he is hiding something. He is not being honest with you and is consequently using you either only emotionally, but possibly also pragmatically (for money, stability etc.).
2. He Only Makes an Effort When He Needs Something From You
Another big warning sign that a man might be manipulating you and using you is when he only makes an effort shortly before asking for things.
It can be something as trivial as him needing to use your car or asking you to take care of his kid or pet on the weekend.
But he can also use you emotionally this way. A sign of this is when a guy is only nice and attentive when he needs you to build him up, reassure him or comfort him.
It’s perfectly normal to exchange these kinds of favors in a healthy relationship.
But if his moments of need are the ONLY times when he gives you his attention and makes an effort for you, then he is not serious and doesn’t really care about you.
3. There Is a Double Standard in Your Relationship
Another common sign that a man is using you is when there is a serious double standard in your relationship. This means that he can get away with doing the exact same things he then blames you for.
For example: he might flirt with other women and stay in touch with all of his exes. While, when he finds out you had lunch with a male coworker, he flips out and accuses you of hiding things from him.
This can also happen in purely emotional context.
Another example of this kind of double standard would be that it’s ok for a guy to be depressed and spend countless hours gaming.
But when you’re feeling down and, e.g., stop putting effort into your appearance, he will make snipe remarks and tell you to get it together.
Double standards are not only utterly unfair. They’re also a sign of immaturity and a lack of self awareness. Even if he genuinely believes, he does nothing wrong, a guy who does this to you will continue using you as long as you let him.
4. He Doesn’t Keep His Promises
Another warning sign that a man might be using you is when he keeps on breaking his promises. Again, it’s normal to forget something now and then or to overestimate yourself and then back out of things last minute.
It can happen once or twice, but this needs to be the exception and not the rule in your relationship.
No matter how justified his excuses might seem to you, if the man you’re dating doesn’t keep his word, he is not serious about you.
Another common but often overlooked sign that a man is using you is that he keeps on playing power games with you. This one is so hard to spot because most of us are blind to this kind of tricks.
To shed some light on this topic, here are a few examples of power games men play:
Sending one word replies
Taking forever to get back to you
Leaving you on ‘read’ for hours and then suddenly writing you back
Being hot and cold
Making jokes at your expense
Intentionally leaving you hanging in conversations
These are just a few examples, but there is really much more to it. In the pickup communities, some men actively learn how to manipulate women this way. This is one of the things players do, to get you to fall for them and chase them.
But in the context of a relationship, power games mean that he is going to actively seek to establish control over you in subtle, seemingly playful ways.
A lot of guys who do this doesn’t actually realize it. They’re just insecure and this is their defense mechanism.
A man who plays power games with you might be using you.
6. He Is Quick to Blame You When Something Doesn’t Suit Him
A man who is using you will do everything in his power to take as much as he can while only putting in the bare minimum effort.
This is why another warning sign to watch out for is when he is quick to blame you when you’re needing something from him.
One way this could play out is: you’re feeling neglected and want him to pay attention to you. But the moment you express it, he will accuse you of being needy or controlling.
The thing to look out for here is when he dismisses you or blames you for expressing your needs.
Don’t get me wrong, we all have our triggers.
All men get defensive when you tell them how you feel SOMETIMES. But again, when this is the rule and not an exception in your relationship, watch out, because he might be using you!
7. You Have to Chase Him for Everything
Last but not least, a guy who is using you will make you chase him for almost everything.
He will do so by remaining unattainable, but continuously giving you a sense of hope at the same time.
This how he will try to get out of having any sense of responsibility in the relationship, while ensuring that you don’t give up on him and move on.
So you will have to chase him to, say, give you an answer about his weekend plans. Because, on one hand, he hinted that he missed you, but he also didn’t give you a definitive answer when you asked if he will come over or not.
Another classic area where guys can use women this way is when it comes to commitment. He will hint at it, but never actually explicitly state that he wants to be together.
Knowing if a guy is just using you or if he actually likes you is often easier said than done. So don’t beat yourself up about missing the signs and letting him get away with it.
The truth is, we all use each other in relationships to a greater or lesser degree.
As long as the exchange seems fair, that he is using you just as much as you’re using him, you don’t need to worry about it too much. You can both work on fixing this together!
However, if two or more of the above-mentioned signs fit your case, and you’ve been drained and are tired of begging for attention in your relationship, consider that it’s time to do something about it.
Because he most likely is using you.
However, if you confront him about it, and he does genuinely like you, he will make an effort to correct his behavior!
What Do You Do When a Guy Is Just Using You
When a guy is using you, the only way to test how he truly feels about you is to stand up to him and start setting boundaries.
If he has been unintentionally acting this way, he might still rebel initially. But eventually, he will be willing to accept that the rules have changed.
He will step up his game and make things work.
But if you standing up to him only makes him more distant and unavailable, then there isn’t much you can do about it.
It takes two to build a happy relationship, and if he isn’t willing to play his part, you can’t force him to do so.
Maybe he just isn’t mature enough to give you what you need and deserve.
If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to stand up for yourself and set boundaries with a man, this is something we cover in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here we teach women why it can be so difficult to stand your ground and how to overcome it.
We also give you tips on what to say and do to make it clear to him that you won’t let him use you anymore.
Like you’re a car on a racetrack, trying to get to the finish line as fast as possible? So that you can finally figure out what the hell is going on?
I would personally do a lot of this in my relationships.
And it burnt me out!
I’d start worrying about something and then one thing would lead to the next… I’d start finding more reasons to get anxious. Which only made me more worried, and so on and so forth.
In order to stop overthinking there are a couple of things that need to happen.
I’d like to take you through the steps so that you can gain a better understanding of what’s happening.
And how you can stop OVERTHINKING and start enjoying your relationship instead.
But before going any further into figuring out how to stop it, I want to first give you a few examples of what I’m talking about. So that you can know for sure when it happens.
Signs of Overthinking in a Relationship
Here are typical signs of overthinking in a relationship:
Feeling very insecure in the relationship
Worrying that your partner will suddenly change their mind
Having a hard time with giving space and boundaries
Worrying that your partner doesn’t care about you
Doubting if you’re really compatible
Feeling anxious and afraid of being abandoned
Never feeling safe
Never being sure of anything
The first step in overcoming overthinking is noticing and recognizing it when it happens. So keep the above-mentioned signs in mind, notice when those kinds of feelings come up in high intensity.
When they do, just try to relax. You can even try to self soothe anxious attachment. Overthinking is a dangerous trap that might only make all your fears come true for no good reason. This brings me to my next point.
Why Do People Overthink So Much in Their Relationships
The next step in overcoming this tricky problem is to understand your reasons for feeling this way.
I used to ask myself: “Why do I overthink so much in my relationship?”
The answer I would come up with is that I was just trying to find A SOLUTION TO A PROBLEM in my relationship. Or alternatively, I was looking for an ANSWER to a doubt of mine.
It would start with something about me or my partner’s behavior.
Like: “Does he really care?”, “Is he pulling away because he changed his mind about us?”,“Are we good for each other”, “Are we meant to be together?” etc.
But the thoughts in my head would only turn in circles or even escalate, and I rarely ever came to any clear and final conclusions.
Overthinking only made all our relationship problems seem scarier and more overwhelming.
It would become an endless cycle of fear and doubt that lead me to acting clingy and needy.
I struggled with giving him space. It made me hesitant to let go, because I worried that if I did, my then boyfriend and now husband would pull away forever.
To make matters worse, this behavior of mine made him only need MORE space. That then fuelled my anxiety and made me even more anxious and clingy.
And that brings me to the real truth about OVERTHINKING.
It has nothing to do with “THINKING” and everything to do with DOUBT, FEAR and sometimes PANIC.
It’s often a result of having being abandoned in the past. Or of being ignored and left to fend for yourself.
Life is messy. Nobody in the whole world had a perfect childhood. We’ve all had our share of bad relationship experiences too.
Much like a veteran can panic at the sound of fireworks. Even a small sign of relationship trouble or distance can trigger you to start overthinking.
Is Overthinking Toxic in a Relationship?
A toxic behavior is damaging to others. Verbal, physical or emotional abuse means that one of the partners is harming the other.
But when it comes to overthinking, most of the damage is actually done to yourself.
This is why overthinking isn’t really toxic. However, it can sabotage your relationship for good.
It leads to a vicious cycle that will make the things you worry about eventually come true. It’s like a self-fulfilling prophecy that destroys trust and connection.
How to Stop Overthinking Your Relationship Anxiety
What really helped me snap out of overthinking was to stop focusing on the THOUGHTS in my head, and start focusing on my FEELINGS instead.
You can get so lost in all the what ifs and doubts. But when you check in with yourself and ask yourself, WHAT AM I FEELING?
This approach can actually lead you to finding some answers!
Understanding the real motives behind overthinking can help you break out of the vicious cycle of stubborn thoughts and doubts.
This is the next step in overcoming this problem.
1. Figuring out Your Feelings Will Help You Gain Control
Now that you know that overthinking is a sign that something about your relationship is worrying you, you can now ask yourself:
“What is it that I’m so worried about?”
These are some of my fears that caused me to overthink:
Being afraid of getting trapped in an unhappy relationship
Worrying that Gabriel doesn’t really love me and might leave
Fear of repeating my parents’ mistakes in relationships
Diverting your attention AWAY from your thoughts and putting it on your FEELINGS will help you gain control over the situation.
You’ll be able to draw conclusions and take actions to counteract your fears.
For example:
Realising that I was really afraid of repeating my parents’ mistakes immediately made me think of ways of making sure that never happens:
My parents argued A LOT and were often verbally abusive with each other.
Everybody has different fears about their relationship.
You’ll focus on yourself here and your own perception of things. Plus, taking responsibility for your own fears and needs, rather than blaming them on your partner, is the only way of how you can get through to them.
Nonetheless, getting in touch with your feelings will help you understand your fears and figure out how to communicate them in a way that will have the highest of chances of being heard and taken seriously.
2. Put a Stop to Overthinking by Feeling Understood
The by far the best way to stop overthinking is to feel UNDERSTOOD!
Unfortunately, it’s really difficult to fully deal with this problem all on your own. You’ll likely end up turning in circles and never feeling at peace.
In order to avoid that, you might need to focus on yourself. Try talking about you and not let them make it about themselves. It can be a tricky outcome to achieve, but it is doable.
You might end up needing to set boundaries or insist that they hear you out. Once you’ve gotten them there, they listened, and you feel heard, put a stop to overthinking by asking for reassurance.
Even it things don’t work out perfectly, just the simple act of having to formulate your own thoughts and saying them out loud can put you at ease.
Moreover, having to deal with fears and doubts all by yourself often makes them stronger.
Sharing your worries with another person can take away their power.
Gabriel and I share all our fears and doubts with each other.
We go on really long walks and have lengthy conversations where we discuss all our scary thoughts.
Being able to share the doubts and worries about your relationship directly with your partner is the best.
They can counter your fears and reassure you about them.
But we worked on our communication and figured out ways to really hear each other out.
Putting your fears and doubts out there and having someone receive them will make you feel less alone and overwhelmed.
It can also be helpful and reassuring to gain an outsider’s perspective of your problems.
Overthinking in relationships can be a big problem.
It can make you doubt EVERYTHING and cause you a lot of emotional distress.
In case you feel hesitant about sharing your worries and doubts with your boyfriend or husband, or need help with getting him to actually listen, check out our Rebuild Your Relationship Course.
In it, we give you clear outlines and steps to untangle- and make sense of, the often disorienting rollercoaster of thoughts and emotions. You’ll then learn how to convey them in a confident and clear way, so that you feel truly understood and can finally put all the over-thinking to rest.
Contempt in relationships can lead to a lot of pain. Being on the receiving end of it is bound to eat away at your confidence and shut you down.
And when you’re the one who can’t keep your own contemptuous behaviors in check, they’ll only end up making you feel isolated and like you can never have what you want.
But, even though contempt in relationships is such a serious issue, it can be incredibly hard to spot.
We’ve been all conditioned to ignore mean comments and ‘just let them go’.
People also have a tendency to minimize their own damaging behaviors and play down their negative influence on others.
Life and relationships are messy.
We all have our own shortcomings and make mistakes. That’s how we then end up hurting the ones closest to us, without ever intending to do so.
In this blog post, I will shed some light on this difficult topic. I’ll describe how to spot contempt in relationships and what causes it.
I’ll also give you tips on how to get past it and actually fix it for good.
What Is Contemptuous Behavior and How to Spot It (With Examples)
Contempt in relationships can be so hard to spot because the person resorting to it will paint you out as the one who is exaggerating, being unreasonable or can’t take a joke.
Nonetheless, you can recognize it by checking in with yourself.
Contemptuous behavior is seeking to actively dismiss, minimize or mock your partner.
However, contempt is more like counter attacking than just being defensive.
How to Spot Contempt in Relationships When You’re on the Receiving End of It
If you tried communicating something to your partner, and they shot you down in a way that made you rejected and dismissed, it’s a sign their reaction was one of contempt.
Here is an example of this:
“Why are you brining this up again? You’re so needy and difficult. All you ever think of is yourself!”
But the main difference between defensiveness and contempt is that the latter feels far more hurtful and is very damaging.
It can also come as a direct attack from your partner:
When they try communicating something to you but do it in a way that makes you feel broken, inferior or defeated, then most likely you’ve been experiencing contempt in your relationship.
Examples:
“I asked you for this ONE thing. Is it really that difficult to once do what I asked for?”
Or
“You never have sex with me. Do you want me to go and find somebody else who will?”
How to Spot Contempt in Relationships When You’re the One Doing It
When you’re on the giving end of contempt, there are a few common triggers for it.
One type of situations that might make you react in this damaging way is:
When something your partner said to you seems so outrageous or threatening, it makes you lash out to quickly shut them down.
When this happens, then chances are you’ve been responding in a contemptuous way.
Examples:
“You need me to be more affectionate? Are you like a five-year-old looking for a mommy to give him a kiss and a pat on the back? Grow up!”
“I can’t take all your complaints! You’re so high maintenance! Nothing is ever good enough for you!”
Another common trigger for contempt is when you’re needing something from your partner, but feel offended that you have to even ask for it.
You might think they should have given it to you already, and have a really hard time coming to terms with the fact that they didn’t.
Example:
“Do I really need to repeat myself for a millionth time? You really just don’t care about me at all, do you?”
What Does It Mean When You Feel Contempt for Your Partner
Contempt in relationships is a difficult topic to face. It’s hard enough to spot it when you’re on the receiving end of it. But seeing and admitting that you might be the one doing it, is even tougher.
This is why I want to make one thing clear:
We all have issues and shortcomings. Nobody has a perfect track record. We’re also all quick to judge and dismiss others sometimes.
However, in order to be able to get past it, both of you need to realize that acting contemptuous towards someone, it has more to do with YOU than it does with THEM.
When you feel contempt for your partner, it means that you’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment earlier in your life.
Contempt is nothing more than an ineffective and damaging way of communicating your needs and feelings.
The thing is, being contemptuous is not a character trait that people are born with. They pick it up somewhere…
What Causes Contempt in a Relationship
Some relationship experts will tell you that contempt is a sign of unresolved relationship problems. That things might have been rough for a while now, and you’ve simply had enough.
You’re unhappy and this is why you’re lashing out.
If you’re the one who is on the receiving end of this damaging behavior, it’s important that you know: it’s not your fault.
This situation has more to do with your partner’s personal baggage, than it does with your relationship.
And if you’re the one who feels contempt towards your partner, keep in mind that blaming them will not get you anywhere.
If you want to finally feel loved and appreciated, you need to try to take responsibility and take a critical look at your own past.
Because we do tend to treat our loved ones the same way we’ve been treated.
What causes feelings of contempt in a relationship is having had our own needs and feelings mocked, dismissed or rejected in this painful way by somebody else beforehand.
It’s simply not ok to EVER treat anybody this way.
Contemptuous behaviors are utterly ineffective at getting you what you want, and they’re never justified.
How to Get Past Contempt in a Relationship
Fixing contempt in a relationship has to be a team effort. Both of you will need to cooperate to make it happen.
The partner who is on the receiving end of it needs to learn to respond to it in a way that will keep their significant other in check.
The best way to do that is to point it out when it happens and set boundaries.
At the same time, the person who is feeling contemptuous has to be willing to work on fixing it and try to cooperate.
Make an effort to notice and catch it before things escalate, and do everything in their power to avoid inflicting more damage.
Getting past contempt in a relationship takes two, but one of you can jumpstart it. It often takes standing up to someone, to get them to see and work on an issue they’ve been unaware of.
If you’re struggling with contempt in your relationship, I can support you with getting past it in a one-on-one coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your struggles, validate your side and build you up. So that you can find back to feeling more confident and can stand your ground.
I’ll also give you tips on how to approach your partner to get them to keep their contempt in check.
Regardless if you’re on the giving or receiving end of contempt in a relationship, there is one more fundamental principle that can help you get past it:
It’s how we feel close, intimate, express our love and so much more.
So when you’re stuck in a marriage without these for a long time, you will understandably ask yourself when it’s time to WALK AWAY from your sexless marriage.
And that’s what I’m going to help you figure out in today’s post.
Is it Okay to Leave My Spouse Because of Our Sexless Marriage?
Yes, it is okay for you to leave your spouse because of a sexless marriage.
You’ve likely been feeling hurt, isolated and resentful towards your spouse for a while now.
So it makes sense that you’d want to leave and find other ways of having your needs met!
But let’s first talk about when exactly it’s time to do so, and make sure you feel like you’ve exhausted all possibilities first.
How Do You Know When It’s Time To Leave a Sexless Marriage?
The journey that led you to this article, likely didn’t happen from one day onto the next.
You probably realized that you and your spouse were having less and less sex, until you eventually stopped having sex ALTOGETHER.
And now you’re wondering whether it’s time to leave your sexless marriage…
Here are the signs that it’s time to finally walk away.
You feel like you really tried everything
You didn’t give up from one day onto the next.
No.
You likely tried very hard to FIX your marriage and made all sorts of efforts to remedy the situation…
But despite all of it, it’s led to nothing but discouraging dead ends!
Which further confirmed that nothing will change, no matter what you try.
When you’ve reached this level of despair, it’s a sign it’s time to leave a sexless marriage.
Your partner or you are not willing to fix things
When a spouse is not willing to make any effort, or take any responsibility for their part in creating a marriage absent of sex, it might be time to walk away.
You might also have reached your OWN limit of being willing to try to fix the situation.
So if one or both of you are no longer willing to try to fix things for months, and you are certain nothing can or will change in your marriage…
Take it as another sign that it’s likely time to walk away from a sexless marriage.
The absence of sex ought not to be your priority here.
If this has been an ongoing issue in your marriage, understand that it has serious, long-term emotional and psychological repercussions that will need time and love to heal.
So you don’t want to waste more time and energy, let alone endure more suffering, if these are your circumstances.
This is the most telling sign that your marriage is over, and you need to walk away now.
What Causes a Sexless Marriage?
This is actually a very crucial and often overlooked question.
Because there are things that lead to a sexless marriage, and understanding them is the key to resolving it if you want to try.
Responsibilities in life
Demanding jobs, running a household, managing money, taking care of children, taking care of aging parents, taking care of yourself…
There is an endless slew of things, demanding our attention in our day-to-day lives, and the to-do list never ends.
And in today’s ever demanding and fast-paced lifestyle, it can all get so overwhelming that it becomes difficult to get in touch with one’s sexual desires.
Infections and other problems
This point primarily affects women, but is extremely widespread.
More than half of women will have at least one urinary tract infection in their lives, which are often painful and the risk of which can be increased by having sex.
For some, it is even a chronic problem that requires continuous battling against.
This is but one example of many infections and issues that can cause sex to be a painful and torturous experience.
So these are understandable and common reasons for a sexless marriage.
Mental health struggles
Whether it’s depression, grief, post-traumatic stress or fear of intimacy…
There are a slew of mental health issues that can lead to a sexless marriage.
Depending on the severity of a person’s mental health, they may be fighting for their very survival.
So the act of sexual intimacy is hardly a priority to them until they can overcome their more urgent mental health challenges.
Pregnancy and children
Again, one that will only affect women in part, pregnancy and postpartum are no joke.
It might look like a five-minute job in the movies, but the reality of pregnancy and giving birth is that it takes an immense toll, both physically, emotionally, and mentally.
Not only that, once a child is born, it will obviously need love, attention, and care.
Which is a full-time job in and of itself.
Finding a private moment from children to have sex is difficult, and trying to time that with the right mood is even harder.
So pregnancy and children can also be factors that lead to a sexless marriage.
Lack of communication & understanding
Now, this is where it gets really important.
Because despite everything I’ve listed above, if you and your partner have good communication and understand each other, it is still possible to find through to each other sexually.
Yes, it may take time, but I would argue it’s worth it.
Karolina (my wife who runs this blog with me) and I were surprised to find that so many of our previous intimacy struggles actually stemmed from a lack of understanding each other!
We were able to meet in a way that felt safe AND exciting to both of us.
Lack of emotional connection
And I’m going to hang this one on as the final reason for what causes a sexless marriage.
Because so much of sex, depends on having a strong emotional connection with your spouse.
What this means is, if you are emotionally disconnected from each other, it is very difficult to create a space where trust, intimacy, and sex can flourish.
Because sex is not a mere physical act.
It is a vulnerable, exciting and bonding journey that the two of you embark on every single time.
And a solid emotional connection is key to making that possible.
Effects of a Sexless Marriage
If you suspect that something happens when the intimacy is gone, and that it affects you, then you are right.
Whether you are a man or a woman, a sexless marriage will take a toll on you psychologically, emotionally and physically.
Here are common ways in which a sexless marriage might affect you:
Experience reduced self-worth
Feel emotional isolated
Believing you are unlovable & unattractive
Feeling anger and resentment towards your spouse
Feeling a growing distance in your marriage
Having sexual fantasies, watch porn or even cheat
Fighting more with your spouse
You might consider separation
These are the things that you might be experiencing when the intimacy is gone.
Now, if everything you’ve read so far has given you clarity and certainty that walking away from your marriage is the right decision.
Then I respect you on making the choice, and this is where you’ll likely want to stop reading here and instead continue with How to Stop Loving Someone When It Hurts.
But if you’re curious to know whether there are other things you might want to try to rescue your marriage, read on.
Can a Sexless Marriage Be Fixed?
The short answer is yes, a sexless marriage can be fixed.
But it requires work, time and effort from both partners. Often a lot of it.
This means that the issues that cause a sexless marriage, that we covered earlier, must be addressed.
Which would look like this:
Get Responsibilities in life Under Control
You and your spouse need to learn to say “No.”
In particular, to people outside your marriage.
There are likely dozens of things and individuals in your lives that you do not truly need.
Whether it’s the overtime at work, that hobby you’re pursuing half-heartedly, or the endless line of people wanting something from you.
They are there because you are used to having them or believe them to have value.
But it’s helpful to sit down and filter through your responsibilities. Decide what, and who, truly holds and brings value and energy to your life.
And cut the rest out.
Otherwise, neither you nor your spouse will ever have the attention or energy to truly address the challenges of a sexless marriage.
Support your partner in getting through infections and other issues
Some sexual health issues are driven by purely physical problems.
But others are also linked to stress and anxiety.
What’s more, these kinds of issues are often a bit of a taboo. Your partner might be feeling alone with their battle against it.
So make an effort to really understand what it is that they might be struggling with exactly.
If you and your partner can talk about these matters honestly, you can then find creative solutions in bed that you mutually enjoy. Do this and you might be having sex sooner than you think.
Talk about Mental health struggles
Nobody has a clean track record in life, we all have our insecurities and limitations that affect our sex life.
And in a marriage, it is more important than anywhere to talk and be transparent about both of your mental health issues.
And I assure you, it’s both of you.
I was always quick to blame Karolina in our marriage and see her issues and limitations, because it’s always easier to notice things from the outside.
As for children, you can either offload some responsibility to family or trusted friends.
Or you can educate your children and be transparent with them about sex and your need for privacy.
Get coaching from a relationship expert
The reasons for a sexless marriage are often layered and complicated.
It can be difficult to fix things when you’re so close to the problem yourself.
This is where I can help you revitalize the sex in your marriage by having a neutral party weigh in on your situation with one-on-one coaching.
In a call, I will listen to your story to understand the struggles you’re having with your spouse that lead to a sexless marriage. You’ll feel less alone with the issue and have someone in your corner.
I will then show you what you need to say and do to resolve what comes in between you and your spouses sex life. Whether it be external circumstances weighing on your marriage or complex struggles between the two of you.
If you’re wondering how to self soothe anxious attachment, it’s a sign you’re already on the right path!
You must already know that, unfortunately, you can’t rely on your partner for this.
But you can give yourself the exact kind and amount of reassurance you need in order to feel more safe and secure in your relationship.
In this article, I’ll describe five powerful strategies to self-soothe anxious attachment. So that you can calm down, relax and feel better about yourself.
But before diving into things you can do, I want to first dispel some myths that might be making your anxiety worse.
What Triggers Anxious Attachment
Anxious attachment stems from deep-rooted fears that originated in your past.
However, there is also a second, more direct source that can trigger your anxiety: the people in your life right now.
This is something I wish somebody would have told me back then when I struggled with doubts and overthinking in my relationship. Because, it’s not all on you…
Getting lost in fears and doubts can be contagious!
Others might project their own anxiety onto you and trigger you to feel the same way they do.
If you notice that you suddenly feel panicked after spending time with a particular friend or a family member, consider that they might have said or done things that made you feel this way.
Another huge but often overlooked trigger for anxious attachment is YOUR PARTNER.
I know this might be a bit surprising to hear.
After all, they’re likely the person who complains about it the most.
But, the truth is, they can CONTRIBUTE or even CREATE scenarios and situations that end up triggering both of you.
I’ve experienced this myself, it’s also true for all of our coaching clients who struggle with anxiety: we tend to get together with someone who is the opposite puzzle piece to our own character.
People who struggle with anxious attachment often fall in love with avoidants or emotionally unavailable partners.
If this is the case for you then, chances are, your significant other likely unknowingly riles you up with their indecision, carelessness, occasional unreliability, exaggerated need for space or even by acting distant and rejecting.
The same is true for being together with an emotionally unavailable partner.
How Do You Break the Cycle of Anxious Attachment
Now that you understand just how big of a trigger your significant other can be, you’ll probably guess that in order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you’re going to have to change your attitude towards them.
You’ll only continue needing things from them, they simply cannot give you.
This is a fundamental truth I wish I would have learned sooner: you need to stop expecting you from people, or you’ll end up endlessly chasing them and never getting what you want and need.
In order to break the cycle of anxious attachment, you need to start seeing that your partner has their own limitations and ways of sabotaging the relationship.
What’s more, they care more about you than they are willing to show or admit.
Avoidants and emotionally unavailable people tend to massively underestimate the strength of their own attachment.
This is why you need to look at their actions, learn to read between the lines and trust your gut.
Deep down, you know how your partner truly feels about you.
You can trust it.
You can break the cycle of anxious attachment by becoming your own source of stability and security in your relationship.
5 Powerful Strategies To Self Soothe Anxious Attachment
Self soothing anxious attachment is all about getting yourself to relax and feel better.
The strategies I list below are things I used to do and now recommend to my coaching clients.
You don’t have to do them in any particular order. We’re all different and have our own personal coping mechanisms.
So select whatever strategy suits you best and feel free to mix things up.
1. Write Down Ten Things You Don’t Like About Your Partner
When anxiety hits us, we tend to focus on our own flaws and shortcomings.
But nobody is perfect. I’m sure there are things about your partner you don’t like, or maybe you even feel like ‘you could do better…’
To self soothe anxious attachment, take a piece of paper and write down 10 things you DON’T like about your significant other.
What are their flaws? You feel they don’t have any? Uh-uh, dig deeper, I’m sure you can come up with a lot of things…
It’s time to validate that critical and selfish part of you. It will help feel more confident and in control.
2. Over-text Yourself
Texting can be a great outlet for emotions. However, over-texting can also do a lot of damage in a relationship.
You might end up saying things you don’t mean or pushing your partner to pull away and stop replying to you.
A great hack I recommend to my clients for coping with this is:
When you feel yourself becoming clingy or needy, imagine you’re texting your partner, but actually send the messages to yourself.
This way you can let things out without any risks.
Sure, it’s not the same, you’re not going to get a response. But your significant other will like not reply in a way you’d need them to anyhow!
So spare yourself any additional drama and self soothe your anxious attachment by over-texting yourself.
3. Organize or Clean Something While Listening to Music
This is actually something I still do whenever I get riled up about stuff. Gardening, repotting, cleaning or organizing things at your place are great physical outlets.
They’ll keep both your body and your mind busy.
Providing the right soundtrack for your activity will make room for you to process feelings, let out your anger or grieve at the same time.
It’s a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment and is bound to leave you tired but relaxed and with a sense of accomplishment.
4. Indulge in a Guilty Pleasure
We all have things we like doing but are slightly ashamed of. Maybe there is a new season of a trashy reality show you secretly enjoy.
Or you might have a book you keep on reading or a movie you like watching over and over again.
The reason you like doing these silly little things is because they likely can provide some of that sense of emotional security you crave.
It could be the themes or some of the characters that make you feel safe.
It’s ok to escape and treat yourself sometimes. Especially when you really need it.
This is why indulging in a guilty pleasure is a great way to self-soothe anxious attachment.
5. Do Something With Friends That Your Partner Refuses to Do
Surely there are things you’ve been wanting to do with your partner for a while and you just somehow never got to it.
Your significant other might have straight up refused to do them with you, or they could always find a good excuse to put it off once again.
Maybe there is a cheesy, romantic comedy you’ve been wanting to watch for a while, a challenging hike, a museum you wanted to visit or even a weekend trip you’ve been putting off for months.
It’s time to stop waiting and go find someone else, who would be happy and ready to participate in your activity of choice.
This is a great strategy to self-soothe anxious attachment.
It’ll make you feel empowered. You’ll experience what it’s like to finally get what you want from someone.
It’s also bound to make your partner at least a little jealous and motivate them to make more effort.
Can You Heal Anxious Attachment
Yes, you can absolutely heal anxious attachment. I’ve done it myself. I used to feel very insecure and afraid of being abandoned.
To make matters worse, I fell head over heels for an avoidant who kept on breaking up with me.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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