If you’re in a relationship with someone who has an avoidant attachment style, you’ve probably experienced that confusing, frustrating moment when they suddenly go cold. One day you’re cuddling on the couch, the next they’re ghosting you with a casual “I just need some space.”
It’s not personal. It’s not logical. And it’s not your fault.
But it is a predictable part of being with an avoidant, and there are things you can do to navigate this tricky terrain without pushing them further away. Let’s break it all down.
What Is Avoidant Deactivation?
This hot-cold, come-here-go-away pattern has a name: avoidant deactivation.
Think of it like an allergic reaction, except instead of pollen or peanuts, avoidants react to closeness, love, and intimacy. One moment they’re fine, the next moment your heartfelt “I miss you” triggers their allergic reaction to love.
They withdraw. They get distant. They suddenly take forever to text back.
But here’s what you need to know: it’s not you.
Just like a cat or pollen isn’t to blame for triggering someone’s allergy, you’re not to blame for triggering your avoidant’s deactivation. It can be caused by something as innocent as a smiley emoji. Yes, seriously.
What NOT to Do When an Avoidant Pulls Away
Let’s talk about what not to do, because this part is crucial.
If they’re having an allergic reaction to love, the worst thing you can do is try to smother them with more of it. That means:
No long emotional texts
No “we need to talk”
No asking for reassurance
No surprise visits or gifts
During deactivation, your avoidant partner isn’t in a space to connect. Your job isn’t to fix them, it’s to give them breathing room without spiraling.
So what can you do instead? I’m glad you asked.
Strategy 1: Make Other Plans
When your avoidant partner pulls away get busy. No sulking. No sitting by the phone.
Make plans with your friends. Go out. Do something fun without them.
Here’s why this works: avoidants think of rejection as “not now, but maybe later.” So when you casually make other plans instead of begging to see them, they start to feel curious again.
And when they text you last minute, “Hey, do you still want to hang out?”you get to reply with:
“Oh, I’m already out. I made other plans.”
This kind of low-stakes rejection? It’s magic. It shakes them out of deactivation faster than an EpiPen. And if they follow up with:
“Wanna swing by after?”
Feel free to double-dip the magic with a second dose of their own medicine:
“Honestly, I’m too tired tonight.”
You’re not punishing them, you’re showing them that your world doesn’t revolve around their whims. And that’s how you gain their respect.
Strategy 2: Worm Your Way In with Kindness
Okay, this one’s a little sneakier.
If you know your avoidant partner is stressed, sad, or overwhelmed (and they’re not just being flaky), a little casual kindness can go a long way.
But, and this is a big but, you must approach it from a friendly place. Not romantic. Not needy. Think: “Hey, I’m grabbing pizza. Want me to drop one off?” not “I miss you so much, please let me in.”
I used to do this with Gabriel (my formerly dismissive-avoidant husband). If I sensed he was in a slump, I’d show up with his favorite food. Not to talk. Not to process emotions. Just to be there as a friend.
And guess what? His guard would drop. We’d hang out. And connection would return.
Pro tip: Don’t overdo it. Too much kindness = friend zone + taken for granted. Keep it light. Keep it rare.
Strategy 3: Set Boundaries and Pull Back
If none of the above works, or if your avoidant partner keeps pulling away without stepping back in, it’s time to play your ace: boundaries.
Avoidants test limits. If they realize you’ll keep showing up, keep doing the emotional heavy lifting, and never call them out… they’ll keep coasting.
But here’s the trick: you don’t call them out with ultimatums or dramatic monologues. You don’t say:
“I demand more from you!”
Instead, you say:
“This isn’t working for me.”
“I deserve better than being ignored.”
“I won’t be reaching out again.”
That’s how you shake them. That’s how you wake them up.
Yes, it’s scary. Especially if you have anxious tendencies. But standing your ground is how you get your avoidant to respect you, and potentially fight to keep you.
Because here’s the truth: if you want your avoidant to worry about losing you, you have to be willing to risk losing them.
Final Thoughts
Dealing with avoidant deactivation can feel like emotional whiplash. One minute you’re close, the next minute you’re being iced out. But remember:
Their reaction isn’t about you
You can’t fix them by loving harder
Rejection (in small doses) is actually healing for avoidants
Boundaries are your best friend
If you’re done feeling stuck, walking on eggshells, or being left in the emotional waiting room, it’s time to change the script.
Here, we show you exactly how to navigate the ups and downs of dating someone with avoidant attachment, and help them come toward you instead of pushing you away.
One of the most common questions I get from coaching clients is:
“How do I get my avoidant partner to chase me?”
And honestly? Most people don’t love the answer.
Because no, you can’t force someone to change. You can’t demand closeness or get an avoidant to suddenly see your value by over-explaining your pain.
But here’s what you can do:
You can grow. You can shift. You can gently change the way you show up.
And when that happens, people (including avoidant partners) start relating to you in new, surprising ways.
If you’re anxiously attached, I know how exhausting this feels. You try hard. You give everything. And deep down, there’s a little voice that asks:
“Is this somehow my fault?”
The answer? In part… yes. But not because you’re broken or “too much.”
It’s because the survival strategies you learned (probably in childhood) are now backfiring in adult relationships, especially when you’re with someone emotionally avoidant.
It’s not your looks. It’s not your age. It’s not the number of texts you sent.
It’s deeper than that.
In this post, I’ll walk you through the three anxious traits that need to shift if you want to transform the avoidant-anxious dynamic—and yes, even inspire your avoidant partner to pursue you again.
Not by manipulation.
But by becoming the kind of person they can’t help but step up for.
1. Stop People-Pleasing and Avoiding Conflict
Most anxiously attached people hate conflict. And I get it, conflict can feel like rejection. Like the beginning of the end.
So what do you do instead?
You smooth things over.
You try to stay agreeable.
You give more love… even when you’re not getting much in return.
But here’s the catch:
When you people-please to avoid conflict, you also avoid honesty, vulnerability, and real connection.
In my own relationship with Gabriel (my formerly very avoidant partner), I realized I was treating him like a checklist boyfriend. And he was treating me like a checklist girlfriend.
We weren’t connecting, we were just fulfilling expectations.
And we were both slowly growing resentful.
Everything started to change when I stopped pretending things were fine and allowed conflict in.
Not chaos. Not blame.
But the kind of conflict that sounds like: “This doesn’t feel good for me, and I need to talk about it.”
That kind of honesty created real closeness, not distance.
2. Face Your Fear of Abandonment
The reason many anxious people avoid conflict isn’t because they don’t know how to argue, it’s because they’re scared of what might happen after the argument.
Will he leave? Will I be too much? Will this ruin everything?
I used to spiral into panic at the smallest sign of disconnection.
Until I finally asked myself:
Why is abandonment so terrifying to me?
What do I think it means about me if someone walks away?
Facing that fear was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but also the most freeing. When I started doing the inner work, I stopped operating from fear.
I stopped walking on eggshells.
I became calmer. More grounded.
I didn’t need to cling anymore.
And guess what?
Gabriel started leaning in.
Not because I chased harder—but because I stopped chasing altogether.
3. Stop Giving Everything Away for Free
Let’s talk about generosity.
If you’re anxiously attached, you were probably taught that unconditional love is the “right” way to love. That giving more will eventually get you chosen, valued, and appreciated.
In a perfect world? That might work.
But in the real world, endless giving often leads to being taken for granted.
When your avoidant partner doesn’t have to put in effort, because you’re always initiating, forgiving, accommodating, they slowly start to devalue the relationship.
They don’t appreciate you more.
They appreciate you less.
Because humans value what they invest in, not what’s handed to them unconditionally.
And if you’re constantly doubting yourself and over-giving to make up for it? That self-doubt becomes contagious. They start doubting you too.
The shift here is simple, but powerful:
Recognize your worth. And make people earn access to it.
You’re not withholding love, you’re honoring it.
Final Thoughts: Becoming Secure Is the Key
If you want an avoidant to chase you, it doesn’t start with tactics. It starts with a transformation.
Stop people-pleasing.
Face your fear of abandonment.
Stop giving love that hasn’t been earned.
This isn’t about punishing your partner, it’s about respecting yourself.
And when that shift happens, everything else starts to fall into place.
In my case, Gabriel went from being distant and hesitant about commitment… to chasing me, romancing me, and showing up in ways I never thought possible. Today, we’ve been happily married for over 13 years—and sometimes, he’s even the clingy one.
The journey from anxious to secure is real. It’s doable. And it starts with you. It’s the only way to get an avoidant to chase you.
If you’ve been stuck in a cycle of people-pleasing, over-giving, or constantly worrying they’re pulling away—you’re not the only one. These are classic patterns in the anxious-avoidant dynamic, and they can leave you feeling powerless, exhausted, and confused.
That’s exactly why we created Attach an Avoidant—a step-by-step online program designed to help you shift the dynamic without losing yourself in the process.
Inside, we walk you through how to stop chasing, break the habits that tend to push avoidants away, and start showing up in a way that naturally creates connection and closeness, without pretending, over-functioning, or playing games.
If you’re ready to stop overanalyzing every text and start feeling more grounded, confident, and emotionally safe, click here to check out Attach an Avoidant. It’s time to feel in control of your love life again.
Are you feeling worried or anxious? Maybe even a little panicked that your man is losing interest in you?
The other day he may have been a little inattentive, dismissive or snappy with you. Or when you want to snuggle or have sex, he’s just always “Not in the mood right now…”
He seems to prefer spending more time with others -or his phone- and avoids prolonged eye-contact, and might even straight up disappear without a word and leave you alone.
It’s normal for the honeymoon phase to fade, but there are degrees at which relationships deteriorate. And since you’re here, it’s likely feeling critical…
Now, however he is communicating his disinterest, I’m here to help you with that.
First by clarifying whether he is actually losing interest with the help of 10 signs for you to look out for.
And secondly, we’ll get into what you can do to COUNTER-STEER him not taking notice of you.
Hi, I’m Gabriel and I run this blog with my wife Karolina. In this post, I’ll be evaluating your situation and answering your questions, while giving you direction from a man’s perspective.
So let’s take a deep breath…. Relax on the exhale, and do this together.
10 Signs He Is Losing Interest In You
There are many indicators that you’ll need to look out for, some more subtle, others rather blatant.
Look out for the following signs and see how many fit for you. The more do, the clearer the unfortunate answer that you are losing him.
But don’t worry, even if you’re on the unlucky side of things, we’ll cover what you can do to remedy your situation and draw him back in -right after we cover these signs!
1. Is he emotionally withdrawing since more than a week?
One of the first things a man will do when he’s losing interest is emotionally withdraw from you.
Where you once felt an air of warmth, charm and love emanating from him, you now feel quite the opposite.
He seems… distant, reserved and has gone silent -in an almost UNKIND manner.
When your man has been this way for more than a week and continues to be, then you have your first sign that he is losing interest.
2. Does he avoid physical touch?
Physical touch is a large part of what distinguishes platonic relationships from romantic ones.
And I’m sure you appreciate and crave closeness just like anybody else. You and your partner will have your familiar ways of touching, being affectionate, and loving towards one another.
So when he suddenly starts avoiding physical touch, it’s likely something you notice pretty QUICKLY.
When you seek a reassuring touch, he might avoid it, move your hands off of himself or even walk away from you without a word.
If a man is AVOIDING your physical touch in this way, consider it another sign that he is losing interest.
3. Is he avoiding eye contact with you?
Did you know that the human face has 42 individual muscles? This is what allows us to express so much complex emotion with our partner without even exchanging a word.
And it’s when your eyes meet that you read each other’s facial expressions to determine what the other side is feeling and thinking… It plays a large role in how we connect.
Avoiding eye contact is a means of not connecting, of NOT LETTING someone read you, because they don’t want to let you in.
So if he is not meeting your gaze or avoiding eye contact, it is a sign that he is distancing himself and becoming less attentive.
4. Does he have an excuse ready every time you want to be intimate?
Intimacy, arguably, plays the biggest part in what makes a romantic relationship -romantic!
It is a beautiful means of deeply connecting, exploring and getting to know each other in new and exciting ways every time.
One that you don’t just share with anybody, because it carries a lot of meaning.
So if he has an excuse ready every time you desire intimacy:
“I’m tired…”
“I want to go workout”
“I’m meeting friends”
“I can’t, I’m busy with work”
And if it’s been a few weeks since you had sex, or he avoids sex altogether (and it’s not caused by understandable physical complications that got in the way)…
…then it is an indication he is losing interest in you and a cause for concern.
5. Have you suggested activities together, that he keeps declining?
When you feel something is off in your relationship, your reaction may be to fix it by reconnecting with an activity together.
Sports, games, museum visits, whatever shared interests you previously had will likely have come to mind.
But when you propose activities that you know for a fact he likes, and he repeatedly refuses them, then something is definitely off…
6. Is he distant during sex?
Although couples often develop routines for their time between the sheets and their sex might look like the same thing over and over again, it can actually FEEL very different each time.
Because where your partner is at emotionally and mentally translates all the way down to his fingertips and across into your body…
This goes the other way around too, of course.
Where you guys are coming from in your lovemaking can make it feel like cloud nine or crappy.
And when he’s distant or absent during sex, you will FEEL and notice that!
So if you’ve experienced him being increasingly unavailable, and it feels like he’s barely noticing you during sex, then it’s a definite sign he is losing interest.
7. Does he avoid you at events or parties?
Social engagements with your partner are fun, right? — Or are they?
There are few things more humiliating than going to an event with him, whereupon arriving, he immediately ducks out and avoids you like the plague throughout the evening.
Especially if you see him laughing and enjoying himself with others -or worse, with other women.
Unless you’ve had a big fight just before the party that left you both fuming and ignoring each other, there is no reason for him to be acting this way, unless of course he is no longer partial towards you…
8. Is he paying more attention to other women than to you?
It’s perfectly common for either of you to sneak a guilty glance at an attractive passer by every once in a while.
But if he’s making a habit of it, is talking to other women, and giving them more attention than he does to you, that’s a definite RED-ALERT!
(Whether these interactions are in person or online.)
You are his partner and as such, deserve to have priority and exclusivity when it comes to his attention.
So if you feel like second place, like he doesn’t love you anymore, and he’s endlessly taking more time for other women than he does for you, take it as a definite sign that he is losing interest.
9. Does he seem to be on autopilot with you?
We can all get overwhelmed with our demanding lives and the people in it at times…
So we zone out, put on cruise control and meander through our day just to make it home for some shut-eye. During these times we’re inattentive, easily distracted and unfocused.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this inattentive side of him too, and that’s perfectly okay from TIME TO TIME:
“Sorry, did you say something?”
“Yeah, honey of course… — what?”
“Sure, sure, whatever you say”
But if him not listening, being unresponsive or not being present with you is STANDARD procedure, where he’s constantly on autopilot and drifts off, then that’s another sign for you.
10. Is he taking more liberties with bad behavior?
We all have our limits, and it can be especially difficult to keep your cool in long-term relationships. Since you’ve known each other for such a long time and are familiar with the others’ tendencies and patterns…
But if you find that he’s showing and expressing his frustration without restraint, and is on bad behavior, it’s something to keep an eye on.
Because when partners lose interest in their relationship, they take even more liberties to act out of line and risk sabotaging things further!
So if this fits for you, consider it a final sign.
Conclusion
How many signs fit for you? Remember, the more fit, the likelier it is that he is unfortunately losing interest.
Especially if you’re at 6 signs or more.
But I want you to check in with yourself as well, though. Do you FEEL like he’s losing interest? What does your gut tell you?
It’s also helpful to listen to your own instincts to give you a clearer answer.
Now, if your answer is ‘Yes, I believe he is losing interest’.
Then the obvious next question would be…
How do I make him interested again?
First, let me say that you’re in a good position here.
Good in that you’ve noticed something was off early enough to act and PREVENT things from escalating further!
Many of our coaching clients make the unfortunate mistake of missing the signs that he’s losing interest and only retrospectively recognizing them once their partner has already become an ex-partner.
And it’s much harder to reverse a breakup, than it is to pre-empt a breakup.
In this course, we’ll help you identify what is making him lose interest and distance himself. Including the how to dissolve the issues that have been piling up in your relationship.
And finally, you’ll learn our step-by-step guide to win back your man’s heart and secure your relationship for good.
Regardless of how intense your arguments may be or what the disagreements are.
Him hitting you does NOT solve anything or help anyone.
And the fact that you’re asking yourself ‘Is it okay for my boyfriend to hit me?’ shows just how badly he’s treating you.
Now, you may have heard these words before…
People close to you might have repeatedly told you that it’s definitely NOT okay for your boyfriend to hit you and that you need to get the hell away from him.
That he’s no good and only harming you. That you deserve better and shouldn’t tolerate him any longer…
And in theory you agree and think that you ought to do all of these things.
But it’s not quite so simple, is it…?
You love him and might even feel responsible for what he does. You may have negative voices in your head that justify him hitting you:
“You deserved it.”
“It’s for your own good.”
“You needed to be reminded of your place.”
“It’s because he cares.”
These are of course all lies.
But nonetheless, what seems like a clear decision to outsiders, feels like a muddled mess of fear, love, and familiarity to you on the inside.
It’s as though you’re trapped in a foggy prison with walls you cannot see nor touch. But they are there.
And at times you may not be sure you want to even leave…
I’m describing it as such because I too was hit (though in a different context, but more on that later) but it took me a long time to understand what was actually done to me and how it affected me.
And only then was I able to unshackle the hold it had on me!
So in this post, I am going to try to meet you where you’re at, while laying out a path that will help you find emotional clarity, gain confidence and liberate you to make your own choices.
There are TWO KEY POINTS that I want to convey today:
1. Your boyfriend is manipulating you with lies to maintain power & control
2. You need to stop believing his lies to finally free yourself
I’ll explain these in more detail as we go along.
Safety First-If Your Situation Is Extreme
Emergency situations should not be diminished and need to be addressed first.
If you are in an extreme situation where your boyfriend is very violent, and you fear for your life, then you need to act now.
I know it may not be easy, but when your safety is at stake, you need to prioritize yourself:
1. Secretly do research on nearby women’s shelters (a quick google search will help) or arrange to stay with friends or family that you know you can trust.
2. Secretly pack your essentials when you know he won’t be back for a while, and leave without him suspecting anything.
3. Build a support network to protect yourself and so you do not slip back into his influence. You can do this through a women’s shelter, support hotlines or what I recommend are support groups, (You can search & find local and online support via Google or Facebook groups)
Again, it may feel like too much too soon. But when your boyfriend is hitting you to a point where you don’t know if you’ll make it through the day, it’s a situation that needs to be taken very seriously.
You DON’T deserve this kind of treatment.
Making Sense Of Your Situation – The Trap of Physical Abuse
When your boyfriend hits you (especially over a longer time) you might feel disoriented and checked out.
It can leave you CONFUSED about what is right or wrong and make it hard to make sense of your situation.
Which is why we’re going to explain the psychological trap of physical abuse, so that you have a better understanding and clarity of what exactly is going on.
Why Your Boyfriend Resorts To Hitting You
Once upon a time, there was a boy whose parents frequently and unjustifiably hit him.
Sometimes his parents would fight between each other and one of them would hit the other.
But often he was the easy target, and they would call him names, tell him that he was bad, that he deserved to be hit and “It’s for your own good!”
That boy then grew to be a man. A man who unfortunately never put his parents’ treatment of him into question…
He buried all of his fear, anger, rage, and shame deep deep inside and justified or denied it all.
But what the denial led to was a toxic urge to control, dominate and never relinquish any power. No matter the cost.
So this is what it all boils down to for him: Keeping power & control.
Which he’s desperately holding onto and FEARS to lose.
And so long as he’s not willing to put his abusive behavior that was passed onto him into question, and take steps to fix an abusive relationship, he will remain an abuser.
He will continue justifying the distorted lies that hitting you is somehow okay. Even though deep down, he KNOWS what he’s doing is wrong.
Why You Might Think It’s Okay for Your Boyfriend to Hit You
Now let’s talk about what’s going on for YOU in all of this.
I know it may not be an easy conversation to have, but it’s a necessary one.
Necessary so that you can set boundaries and free yourself from the shackles of the lies that currently bind you.
In order to illustrate, let me tell you part of my own story…
I grew up in a rather unusual environment, that is a hostile and violent boarding school which I had no escape from.
Corporal punishment was standard issue, and I was frequently verbally and physically abused at the hands of supposed care takers and staff.
When the teachers hit me, in their actions and emotions, they conveyed that I was somehow deserving of this treatment and even needed it to improve myself.
To me though (as horrific as it was) it became relatively normal because it was my everyday life and all I knew at the time.
This led to an unconscious tolerance for being hit, because I had been conditioned to believe that being hit was justified and necessary.
Which is an utter LIE.
But these lies are what perpetrators intentionally instill in their victims.
It is their strategy to break and blame the victim.
And when you’ve been exposed to being repeatedly verbally abused or hit, your psychological defenses eventually fold as you are forced to believe the lies.
So how does this all relate to you then?
You, too, have likely been exposed to repeated (often slowly escalating) verbal or physical abuse.
Your boyfriend may have been the first instance of this in your life, but my guess is that others have picked on you before…
And this is what it accumulates to, you end up in a relationship where you might believe it’s okay for your boyfriend to hit you.
With your boyfriend’s lies that create the invisible emotional prison that is keeping you trapped.
So the only way to truly set yourself free, is to no longer let him use you, no longer let him blame you and TEAR his lies apart instead!
Which is exactly what I’m going to help you with in the next point.
Debunking His Lies To Free Yourself
Beyond financial dependencies and physical strength, a large component of what keeps you trapped is what he’s doing to your mind.
He’s feeding you lies that undermine your sense of self-worth and what you feel.
And a lot of these lies aren’t necessarily even verbalized. Did you know that 70%+ of communication is non-verbal cues?
That means that his actions alone can convey toxic lies that are designed to dismantle your reality and give him full control.
So when he hits you, he’s also very actively trying to break you and instill toxic lies.
And this is a super important point that I want you to get.
The prison you are in, is BUILT by the LIES he is telling you when he hits you.
It can go so far that you find yourself blindly agreeing to everything he demands, just to avoid potential repercussions.
So we’re going to undo his spell on you by debunking the 5 most common lies told by a boyfriend who hits his girlfriend.
Lie 1 – “You Deserve It”
One of the most common lies told by a boyfriend who hits you is that you deserve it.
Who decided that you deserved to be hit? Him? What gives him any authority on the matter? Does he think he has the license to hit or some dumb crap like that?
It’s utter nonsense and an absurd FABRICATION to allow himself to get away with hitting you!
Don’t buy into his garbage. What you deserve is for someone to listen and understand your needs, not for them to be denied and beaten into submission.
Lie 2 – “It’s Your Fault”
This is easily the laziest of lies, and don’t believe it for one minute.
When a man abuses his physical power and hits you, it is not your fault. It is HIS fault for being such a coward that he can’t even face that what his father did to him wasn’t okay.
He’d rather carry it forward onto someone smaller and defenseless.
This lie is utter TRASH and belongs in a landfill.
Lie 3 – “It’s Justified, You Just Don’t Understand”
This is another form of gaslighting that is used to make you believe you cannot trust yourself.
BS! You CAN trust yourself!
Look closely and notice that he’s just hiding behind a facade. He doesn’t know JACK about anything! There is nothing he knows that you don’t know, that would justify him hitting you.
When he tries to convince you that he knows better, and you simply don’t understand, call BS. He’s just desperately trying to hold onto the power that’s slipping through his fingers.
Lie 4 – “It’s For Your Own Good”
This is an all-time classic and one of the most blatant lies ever told.
By telling this lie, he is suggesting that him having no self-restraint, moral principles, let alone spine and resorting to hitting you is somehow beneficial for you.
And It is absolutely NOT!
It’s beneficial for him, because he can continue to be the coward who tries to dump all the responsibility on you.
If it were you beating him and telling him, “But baby, remember, it’s for your own good.” he’d change his tune before you even finished the sentence.
Lie 5 – “You Are Weak”
You are weak STRONG.
And him telling you otherwise is just another one of his attempts to reinforce helpless- and defenselessness.
There is nothing true about it, it is simply another one of his lies to maintain control and power that he so fears to lose.
You are strong enough to say no to his abusive treatment, you are strong enough to get out of this mess, and you are strong enough to never tolerate a man mistreating you ever again!
Break The Vicious Cycle Of Abusive Partners
This may be the first relationship you are in where your boyfriend hits you, or you may have experienced this before.
Either way, what’s important to understand about your situation is that victims of physical violence often repeatedly end up with boyfriends who hit them.
So getting out of your current situation is half the battle.
What will help you the most in the long term is debunking the lies that create the psychological prison you’re in.
This way, you won’t fall into the vicious cycle of abusive partners without realizing it until it’s too late!
I won’t lie, this is a long and difficult journey.
But YOU CAN DO IT!
Just like myself and countless other people who were in the unfortunate position you are in now.
But we made it out. And you will too! Believe in yourself, get all the help you possibly can, and NEVER. EVER. GIVE UP.
You are worth the time and effort.
And for good measure, let me answer your initial question one last time: No, it is NOT okay for your boyfriend to hit you.
I hope you found this article helpful.
As a read next, I’d suggest a little pick-you-up article my wife wrote that can help you understand what healthy relationships actually look like: 9 Signs of True Love From a Man.
So you’ve been through a heart-breaking journey of a breakup with him and might have even come to finally accept that it’s truly over…
… Only for him to come BACK to you after his rebound relationships didn’t work out.
Talk about him adding insult to injury.
You likely have questions and mixed feelings about it all:
“Why did he come back after the rebound relationships?”
“Should I even take him back just because he changed his mind?”
“How do I know he won’t do it again?”
“Should I talk to him about his rebound?”
Some of you might also be wondering about the psychology of a rebound and what it all means to him.
And in today’s post I’m going to answer these questions, help you address your doubts and find the clarity you need to make a clear decision.
Let’s first talk about the elephant in the room…
Can A Man Fall In Love With A Rebound Relationship?
Yes, a man can fall in love with a rebound relationship.
He may have moved on very fast after your breakup, but what’s important to keep in mind here is that it takes TIME to develop earnest feelings in a relationship!
So if his rebound lasted all of a couple of weeks, it’s really nothing you need to worry about.
He may be infatuated, but definitely is not in love.
And if it was months, she’s still got nothing on you because chances are your relationship with him was longer.
Again, time counts for A LOT, because you’ve bonded, have shared memories and KNOW each other well.
There are few things that are more attractive than the familiarity of someone knowing and getting you…
So if him falling in love with his rebound is a concern to you, my advice is, don’t worry about it too much and focus on rebuilding things with him. Because that’s what will actually count in the long run.
Why Exes Come Back After A Failed Relationship
Exes come back after a failed relationship because the rebound (often no longer than a few weeks or months) didn’t work out the way they’d imagined.
You see, when a guy wants to break up, he believes that the grass is greener on the other side.
He likely thinks that the problems you’ve faced in your relationship, that escalated to the breakup, are – for the most part – of your making.
His solution?
Break up and go find someone who doesn’t make things difficult.
But you and I both know that things aren’t quite so simple in relationships. Everybody brings their own emotional baggage to the table.
Moving on to a new relationship does NOT make his issues magically evaporate!
Quite the contrary.
He obviously takes them with him into his rebound relationship that’s about to go wrong. And within a few weeks or months, he’s shocked to discover very similar conflicts arising in his new relationship.
Which bursts his bubble as he realizes that leaving you did not miraculously solve all his relationship problems.
He took his issues into the rebound relationship because he hasn’t resolved them!
Your ex likely came to conclude that he’s actually happier with you, because (problems aside) you have a history of connection and memories that are precious to him.
Building a relationship from scratch is a lot of work and takes time, so he might have come to realize that if he’s going to be confronted with his own issues in every relationship….
… Then he’s better off coming back to you and continuing investing in your relationship.
So exes come back after a failed relationship because they get a reality check when they are confronted with their exact same issues with a rebound.
Should You Take Him Back After He Changed His Mind?
And when you know he only came back because it didn’t work out with this other woman, it hurts and because he left you on the hook and only came back when it suited him.
But the truth is life is a mess and so are relationships!
We all say and do stupid, hurtful and short-sighted things at times. Because we simply don’t know better. We haven’t learned these lessons yet.
Breakups are never straightforward, easy or fair, and that’s unfortunately just what it is.
But when you feel ready, the helpful question you need to be asking yourself is:
“Is he worth it to me?”
Are you willing to look past his hurtful behavior and potentially try again with him?
The answer to this will entirely depend on the particular circumstances of your breakup and what you want.
It might be, “No, he’s NOT worth it to me”. It might be, “Yes, I love him and want to try again.”
Or you might change your mind every other minute, and that’s OKAY too!
Whatever you decide, just know that his decision to break up has a lot to do with him and his own personal problems.
And if you are leaning towards taking him back, understand that it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
It just is what it is, he made a decision, and now it’s your turn to make one.
How Do I Know He Won’t Break Up Again?
The fact is, you can’t know for sure.
BUT, it’s something you can have a lot of influence over!
50% of couples that break up get back together. But most of them just get back together in the hopes that the reunion itself will be enough to fix things.
Some make a modest effort and put in a few weeks of trying to change their ways, while others who don’t want to take any chances get expert help from a relationship coach.
Regardless of what path it is you choose for yourself…
What’s crucial is that you both make a consistent effort to address the underlying problems in your relationship that initially lead to the breakup.
Because otherwise you are inevitably bound to repeat the same painful experience again.
So think of your relationship as a plant that needs consistent nurturing to grow and stay strong!
Not something you rescue at the eleventh hour.
This is the absolute BEST way to ensure neither you nor him will want to break up again.
Should I Talk To Him About His Rebound?
That’s a good question. Because this whole situation has likely got you caught up with a lot of feelings of jealousy, hurt and brought up insecurities in you.
And while talking about his rebound might seem like an important discussion to have, you might also fear that it will make you feel even worse with spiraling thoughts and doubts:
“Who was she?”
“Was she better?”
“Did she give him what I couldn’t?”
When your ex has a rebound relationship, we tend to paint out an extremely unrealistic picture of some perfect entity whom they were (briefly) with.
Which leads to skewed comparisons, crippling anxiety and letting our insecurities get the better of us.
So, the point I want to make here is that this person that you imagine in your head does NOT exist!
They are human just like you are, with strengths and weaknesses, confidence in some areas and INSECURITIES in others.
But more importantly! You don’t even have to talk to him about his rebound!
Because you know what? She DOESN’T matter.
After all, he came back to you, didn’t he? So how great could she have really been?
What DOES MATTER is your relationship with him and what you both want to build for the future together.
So you can spare yourself unnecessary additional heartache and just not talk to him about his rebound.
And if it’s something you just let go of, you can always get back to it when you’re both in a stronger place!
Why Do Toxic Exes Keep Coming Back?
For those of you who know their ex is toxic and are leaning towards not taking him back, you might still be wondering why he keeps coming back.
Toxic exes are often driven by a need to control and dominate you.
They are not interested in genuinely connecting and building a healthy relationship together. They are TOO SCARED to do that.
All they know is to manipulate, control and be conveniently devoid of the desire to change themselves.
Which brings us to why they keep coming back.
When they sense that they’re losing that control over you and that you’re operating independently without them….
Your long-lost toxic ex is suddenly texting you again, reaching out and wanting to meet.
Confusing, no?
All you need to do, though, is see through his lies or attempts at manipulation and realize that you’re dealing with a terribly afraid little boy who doesn’t believe he’s loveable!
So he resorts to endless toxic tactics to scrape together the crumbs of love he thinks he deserves.
And if you know you’re done with them and need to finalize this chapter in your life, consider writing them a powerful closure letter for yourself that will impact them.
Conclusion
Rebound relationships are fairly common after a breakup, people do it all the time and yes there’s no denying, it’s a hurtful experience.
By now, you’re hopefully in a better position to decide whether your ex is someone you want to try with again.
And if you do, remember it’s vital to proactively address the problems that will likely lead to another breakup.
In order to help women that are in your situation, we create an online course: Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here, you will learn exactly what you need to do to avoid the common pitfalls people fall into when they get back together with their ex after a rebound relationship.
We’ll teach you the empowering mindset you need to make sure you can secure your happy ever after.
If you can’t talk to your husband without him getting angry, deep down you likely feel very frustrated with him by now. It’s hard to be with a man who has no room for where you’re at and what you need.
What’s more, this kind of situation cannot last.
Your needs matter and you deserve to be heard in your relationship!
In this blog post, I’ll explain why men act this way and what you can do to get past your husband’s defensiveness, so that he can finally hear you out.
Why Does My Husband Get Mad At Me So Easily?
When you can’t talk to your husband without him getting angry, it’s hard not to take it personally and blame yourself. What did I do to deserve this? Am I unreasonable or overreacting?
In reality, your husband’s short temper has much more to do with his upbringing than it does with you. None of us goes through life unscathed, we all bring our baggage with us into our relationships.
Your husband getting mad so easily is his emotional baggage.
And there are usually three underlying reasons/components to it:
This Is Likely How His Caregivers Talked To Each Other Or To Him
We all learn from our parents and other role models, and then repeat their behavior, often without even realizing that we’re doing it. Your husband might be intuitively reacting this way, simply because he has seen it done this way before.
Maybe his parents got mad every time one of them needed something from the other. Or they often reacted this way when he wanted something from them or one of them.
These kinds of experiences can govern your life and make you blindly repeat the cycle.
So much so, your husband might even believe that getting mad is how you’re supposed to talk to a loved one. Which brings me to my next point.
He Never Learned How To Communicate
If you can’t talk to your husband without him getting angry, then chances are he never learned how to communicate and consequently, he can’t do it, at least not in a romantic relationship.
He might not understand what the purpose of you telling him things is. He is also likely unable to express his feelings in a non-aggressive way.
Much like riding a bicycle, communication in a relationship is a skill. You need to learn it and then practice it, to be able to do it. Your husband likely never got a chance to develop this particular ability. This is why he is so bad at it…
Everything Is A Personal Attack To Him
Last, but not least, men so often get defensive when you tell them how you feel, because they take everything as a personal attack. This is why you can’t talk to him without him getting angry!
Because in your husband’s head you’re likely blaming him and attacking him the whole time, so he retaliates…
By the way, it’s not just men who react this way. This is something all married couples struggle with.
One spouse says something, but the words that are spoken don’t arrive or land as intended.
For example, you might say: “I’m going to set the alarm clock 20 minutes earlier, so that we don’t rush in the morning this time.”
And what this might mean to him will be: “I can’t trust you. You’re lazy and unreliable. I have to make up for it by waking up earlier in the morning!”
It’s two completely different messages that are only vaguely related! And you need to see this phenomenon as such in order to be able to counteract it.
How To Deal With A Short Tempered Husband
The key to dealing with a husband you can’t talk to without him getting angry is seeing it as his issue, not yours.
This is his emotional baggage, his inability to communicate, plus he is the one who is overreacting here, not you!
This is not your fault. His reaction has likely little to do with you! Unfortunately, though, in order to get through to him, you’re going to have to be the bigger person.
There is no point chasing him, begging him for attention and hoping that things will be different next time around. They won’t!
1. Take Control Of The Situation
In order to deal with a short-tempered husband, you’re going to have to take charge and make it happen. You’ll have to be the bigger person. You’re the adult here, and he is currently acting like a rebellious teenager.
This is why, you will have to keep your cool, calm him down and explain that this is important, and you just need him to listen.
2. Set Boundaries When He Gets Angry
The second component of dealing with a husband who gets angry easily are boundaries. This is how you can protect yourself and cut his attacks short.
It’s also how you can make it clear to him that his reaction is not helpful to either of you.
If he keeps on getting angry, you’ll have to set boundaries to teach him that it’s not ok to talk to you this way.
3. Encourage His Efforts, As Small As They Might Be
The third part of dealing with a short-tempered husband is to validate him when he does get something right, no matter how small it might be. Even if it’s just a fraction of what you were trying to communicate.
It’s the only way that will actually encourage him to do more and try harder!
If you’re looking for a step-by-step guide on how to get a man to listen to you, we cover this in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here you’ll find phrases on what to say to get your husband to pay attention and take you seriously. We’ll also teach you how to set boundaries with him when he does get angry.
This way, you’ll be fully prepared and able to get through to him, without things escalating into an argument.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
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