So you’re considering sending a closure letter to your ex. By doing it, you’re likely looking for a chance to express your thoughts and feelings one last time.
Maybe you’re hoping that doing this will force your ex to give you answers. That they’ll reveal where they truly stand and set you free, so that you can move on.
Or maybe you’re still very much in love and are having a hard time letting go.
You wish that sending them this closure letter will finally open their eyes and realize what they’re about to lose.
Countless coaching clients of ours found themselves in one of the two above-mentioned situations. Many of them were trying to get their ex back, but some were genuinely looking for real closure.
Some of them followed our advice, while others did what felt right to them. It didn’t always work.
Their experiences and attitudes taught us a lot about when it’s a good idea to send a closure letter and how to formulate it so that it had the desired impact on your ex.
In this blog post, I will share with you what I’ve learned from our clients’ successful and failed attempts, so that you don’t have to repeat their mistakes.
When Is It a Good Idea to Send a Letter to Your Ex
First off, I’m going to cover a very common pattern I noticed in both men and women. Being broken up with is often extremely distressing. I know from my own experience that rejection hurts very deeply.
So much so, it sends people into a spiral of anxiety and desperation. And then in that hyperemotional state, they want to write long love letters to their ex.
They hope that listing all the good things about the relationship, telling their ex how much they love them, how special things are between them etc. will be enough to reverse the breakup.
If you’re feeling very emotional and desperate, then sending a letter to your ex is NOT a good idea right now.
Showing your ex the raw, unfiltered version of you will only drive them further away.
But if that moment has already passed, you might still be sad, you might still be desperate. But you’re not out of control anymore, so sending a closure letter might actually do you a lot of good.
It’s Ok to Contact Your Ex for Closure When You Need to Get Things off Your Chest
Relationships and breakups tend to be messy. There are likely things you’re hurting about. Maybe it’s about how your ex was relating to you while you were still together. It could also be about the way they chose to end things.
This kind of heartache can cut very deeply, so much so, it might make it impossible for you to move on.
This is where confronting your ex about how they hurt you could be the only thing that can allow you to start processing those feelings.
Expressing your anger and hurt will make room for grief and eventually closure.
An important note here: only do this if you want to move on.
This kind of closure letter might be the last contact you ever have with your ex. Also, they will most likely remain in denial or react defensively. Or they might not respond at all.
Keep in mind, no response is in fact a response. This kind of closure letter is more about your emotional journey, not about your ex.
If you approach it as such, it will give the relief and answers you’re looking for.
Send a Closure Letter When You Want to Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong
This is the second type of closure letter, one that you can send as a last resort to try to fix things. The point of it is to show your ex that you understand your own mistakes and how they contributed to the breakup.
We all make mistakes in relationships and in life, we’re only human after all.
So if you reflected on your own behavior and now see that certain things you did might have hurt your ex or only made their situation worse, then this is something worth sharing with them.
This kind of closure/accountability letter can be the very thing that makes it clear to them that you’ve actually changed. At the same time, it’s a good way to communicate to your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously.
There are certain stages a dumper goes through before they really wake up to the breakup.
This could be the very thing that softens them enough so that they can realize what’s actually happening and what they’re about to lose.
How to Write an Impactful Closure Letter to Your Ex
The biggest danger with sending a closure letter to your ex is that it will only backfire and make them reject you all over again. These are the rules you want to follow in order to avoid this:
1. Don’t Try to Convince Your Ex of Anything
Trying to convince an ex to change their mind is not going to work. No matter how hard you try or how good your arguments are, it’s all a waste of breath and time.
Even if your ex is only pretending to be over you, they’ll remain stubborn and unmoved.
There is no point telling them how special the relationship was or that you’re meant to be together.
As long as you’re pushing them or convincing them of something, your closure letter will not impact them the way you hope it would. What’s more, you’ll drive them further away.
If this is where you’re coming from, it’s better you keep your thoughts to yourself or vent to a friend instead.
2. Don’t Try to Guilt-Trip Your Ex
Much like with convincing, guilt-tripping your ex will not change their mind. They’ll remain cold, distant, and unavailable.
Your ex is likely hurting after the breakup themselves, so they’ll have no room for what you need from them. So don’t tell them how much you love them and miss them in your closure letter. It won’t do you any favors.
If this is where you’re coming from, you’ll only get burned.
3. Don’t Ask For Anything
Another important rule to follow when trying to write an impactful closure letter to an ex is to not ask them for anything. Again, much like with convincing or guilt-tripping, asking your ex for things will only backfire.
This includes asking for forgiveness.
Your ex is at where they’re at. For the time being, they want to remain broken up. As long as this is the case, they won’t be willing to come your way.
Needing things from them at this point might only make your ex block you on everything.
4. If You Want Them Back, Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong
If the purpose of your closure letter is to give one last shot at getting your ex back, then you should center it around taking responsibility for what you did wrong.
Acknowledge the things your ex complained about you doing or not doing. Apologize for hurting them or driving them away.
Show that you accept and understand their decisions.
This is the only way you can actually get through to them.
Some of my coaching clients sent a letter like this, and it worked. Their ex was moved and open to communication afterwards. They could then gradually work on rebuilding trust and slowly getting back together.
5. If You Want to Move On, Confront Them About Stringing You Along
The problem with moving on after a breakup is that a lot of exes continue acting hot and cold. So they’ll make just enough effort to make sure that you will remain hooked, but will avoid giving you straight answers.
They’ll be stringing you along with a false sense of hope. Not wanting to let go but also not wanting to get back together.
When this is the case, at some point you have to say: enough is enough, I can’t take this anymore.
It’s time to let them know, things aren’t working for you, you’re at your limit, and you won’t let them take you for granted any longer.
This kind of closure letter can make your ex wake up to the reality of your breakup and reconsider what they actually want. Or it might also be the last thing you ever write to them, and you never hear from them again.
When sending this type of closure letter to your ex, keep in mind: someone who ever truly cared about you, will respond to this and start chasing you.
How to Know Your Closure Letter Made an Impact
The way to tell if sending a closure letter made an impact on your ex or not is by looking at how fast they reply and what their response is.
If they respond right away and remain defensive, then it didn’t land the way you wanted it to land. You can try again, or you can also choose to give up.
If your ex remains silent for a week and then replies something slightly encouraging, it means your words made an impact, and they are now testing if you truly meant it.
And if you never hear from them again, then it likely did make an impact, but they just never cared enough about you. Some people give up easily and don’t have what it takes to build a long-lasting relationship.
If you need help formulating your closure letter, this is something we could help you with through email coaching.
Here you could send us your draft and my husband, or I will make suggestions and formulate your thoughts in a way that will make your ex respond.
We’ll also help you make sense of what’s going on and what your ex’s feelings truly are.
If you need more help finding closure, check out my husband’s post: When Someone You Love Hurts You Deeply – How to Get Through It
It will give you some consolation!
Thank you for reading, so sorry you’re going through this! If you have any doubts or questions, share them in the comments section, and I’ll get back to you!
- 5 Reasons Why Men Go Silent in Relationships and How to Get Them to Talk - 1. December, 2022
- How to Write Your Ex a Closure Letter That Will Impact Them - 24. November, 2022
- How to Communicate With a Man Who Won’t Communicate - 20. November, 2022