You probably just started dating someone and things were magical in the beginning. In the honeymoon phase, your relationship felt fresh and exciting.
Sparks were flying even when you two just touched hands and looked into each other’s eyes. Everything seemed perfect and things just worked out.
But now, after just a couple of months or even weeks of being together, it doesn’t feel like that anymore.
Your relationship felt like true love when you first met, but after the honeymoon phase ended it became plain boring.
You must be wondering. Where did all that magic go?
Is it because you’re the wrong person? Maybe it’s you who is doing something wrong? Can you go back to the beginning and fix things?
Yes, you absolutely can!
There is no need to worry! There is nothing wrong with you or your relationship. Every single couple goes through this process.
Nobody manages to stay in the initial honeymoon phase forever. It is possible to get it back though!
Gabriel and I have been together for over ten years now and we’re still totally into each other. Sometimes we still get so lovey-dovey at parties that people around us roll their eyes and sigh “uhh, get a room you two!”.
Just like you, we had our moments of doubt and there were times when the honeymoon phase felt like nothing more than a distant memory. But we managed to get through those times and kept our romance alive.
In this article, I will cover 4 reasons that cause the honeymoon phase to fade and what you need to do to get it back. But before jumping into that I want to first address what you’re going through right now.
When Does the Honeymoon Phase Typically Wear Off
According to a 2015 New York University study, the honeymoon phase in a marriage can keep on going for up to 30 months, however, there is a sharp decline in spousal satisfaction already after the first 6 months of the relationship.
Every couple is different. Some can stay crazy about each other longer, while others will wake up and become disillusioned sooner.
Among our coaching clients, I would estimate that the honeymoon tends to be over after 3 months of their relationship.
It’s a realistic time frame for when two people get to know each other well enough to start encountering their first serious relationship problems… but more on this later.
What Happens When the Honeymoon Phase Wears Off
When the honeymoon phase wears off, both partners or just one of them lose their rose colored glasses. They start seeing the other’s shortcoming and imperfections. This often results in friction and the first arguments begin.
It’s normal and healthy for couples to fight now and then. We all get emotional and are not perfect communicators. It’s just an inevitable part of any relationship.
Another sad thing that tends to happen when the honeymoon phase wears off, is that one of you will start distancing themselves from the other. Much like with fighting, this is something to keep an eye out for, because if left unchecked for too long, it might even make you drift apart completely.
4 Reasons Why the Honeymoon Phase Wears off and How to Fix Them
Now that you know when the honeymoon phase wears off and what heppens when it does, you’re ready to jump in the four reasons why couples go through this and what you can do about them. You can get back to the honemoon stage in your relationship, but it will take some effort!
Here is what went wrong and how to fix it:
1. Honeymoon Phase Fades When The Novelty Wears Off And Life Goes Back To Normal
Let’s face it, fewest of us feel truly happy and fulfilled in our everyday lives. That’s why we often look to our partner to fix things for us.
Us girls, in particular, have all been thought that once we meet our prince charming, we get to live happily ever after.
In the beginning, love does feel like a fairy tale.
Your partner is a new addition to your life and everything changes.
However, as time goes by, people always revert back to their old patterns.
When you start dating someone, you hardly know them, so you’re likely to fantasize and imagine them to be the solution to all your life’s problems.
Unfortunately, with this kind of attitude, you’re bound to get disappointed really fast. This disappointment will inevitably end the honeymoon phase in your relationship.
The sad truth is, no matter how perfect you are for each other, no person can ever make another person feel happy and fulfilled, no matter how hard they try.
Relationship Chemistry Fix #1: Don’t Expect Your Partner To Make You Happy
If you want to rekindle the spark in your relationship, you’ve got to stop expecting your partner to fix things for you.
You’ve got to take YOUR LIFE in YOUR OWN HANDS and shape it the way you want it to be.
Don’t waste your time waiting for your partner to read your mind and fulfill your expectations. Communicate your needs and wants, make things happen.
Even Disney knows better now.
The modern princesses are not the typical damsels in distress anymore. Nowadays princesses are right in the middle of all the action, they often even end up saving the prince!
(Don’t aspire to be Snowwhite, be Elsa, she is way more badass and sexy.)
2. Believing That You Know Everything There Is To Know About Your Partner Will Make Your Honeymoon Phase Wear Off
When two people start dating, they generally don’t know each other that well.
The process of meeting a stranger and then gradually getting to know him/her better is a big part of what makes the honeymoon phase so thrilling.
There are a lot of unknowns at the beginning of a relationship.
Every date provides an opportunity to get to know more about each other. Everything new you find out about your partner feels fresh and exciting.
However, as time goes by, most people in relationships start believing they’ve already learned everything there is to know about each other.
This is where the thrilling process of opening up and getting to know a stranger ends and the safety inducing yet boring familiarity kicks in.
It’s the end of the honeymoon phase.
Relationship Chemistry Fix #2: Admit it, You Still Don’t Know Everything There Is To Know About Your Partner
I know it might be scary to admit, but your partner is a complex being, with their own unique history, preferences, and desires.
Even though you’ve known each other for a long time, in some ways they are still a bit of a stranger.
If you want to bring back the honeymoon phase in your relationship, you have to let go of that cushy familiarity and embrace the unknown.
There are still things you DON’T KNOW about each other.
Admitting that and making an active effort to learn more about your partner will rekindle that spark from the beginning of your relationship.
Here are 10 playful card games for couples to inspire you and help you be more curious about your significant other.
3. Expecting Your Partner To Perform His/Hers “Duties” Will Kill The Chemistry In Your Relationship
This might be a hard one to swallow, but if you want to get your honeymoon phase back, you’ve got to stop trying to control your loved one.
Sense of obligation is not hot.
A lot of us have been brought up with the sense that men and women are supposed to serve each other.
That’s why you might be expecting that a man will carry the grocery bags for you, empty the bins, walk you home after a date, etc.
And vice versa, a man might expect a woman to have sex with him whenever he feels like it.
As nice as all these acts of serving each other might be, expecting your partner to “perform their duties”, will inevitably make him/her hate doing it and resent you.
When two people start dating they often do all sorts of little things for each other, because they want to show their appreciation and to charm their potential partner.
However, turning these acts of kindness into an obligation will take all the “magic” out of it.
All couples fall into routines at times and everybody has their own ways getting their partner to do what they want.
Nonetheless, love in only then true when it’s given freely.
Relationship Chemistry Fix#3: Free Your Partner From Their Obligations
If you want to bring back the honeymoon phase in your relationship, you have to give your partner their freedom back.
You have to allow them not to fulfill their obligations.
So if you want that spark back, you’ve got to stop expecting your partner to be a good boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife and just let them be themselves.
This means: no carrying of bags and no obligatory weekly sex…
You need to work on rebuilding trust instead.
Your partner needs to EXPERIENCE freedom from their obligations.
Only that can allow them to express their love for you through an act of kindness again.
Doing things purely out of a sense of obligation is just annoying and frustrating. Being genuinely caring, on the other hand, is totally hot.
Setting your partner free out of their obligations will make them feel loved and cared for.
A real act of love and care will reignite the spark between you two.
4. Unspoken Grudges End The Honeymoon Phase
Relationships generally always start with a clean slate.
When two people start dating, they usually barely know each other, which means that they have not spent a lot of time together yet.
As the relationship progresses and you spend more and more time with your partner, unfortunately, you get more and more chances to make the other one upset.
There is no such thing as a perfect match. Two people will always end up hurting each other’s feelings in one way or another.
Sad but true, that’s the reality of all relationships…
This doesn’t even need to include any big transgressions. Even little things like arriving late for a date or choosing to hang out with a friend instead of your partner can feel hurtful at times.
Doing hurtful things is not what kills the chemistry between two people though.
It’s not talking about it and holding a grudge that extinguishes the spark.
Holding grudges will create invisible walls around you and you will inevitably shut your partner out.
Moreover, letting these little things simmer silently over time, will only blow them out of proportion.
Relationship Chemistry Fix#4: Come Clean About The Things That Have Hurt You In The Past And Get Ready To Listen
Admitting to your partner that something they did hurt you, might not be easy. You might feel afraid that bringing these things up will put your relationship at risk, or that it will only cause an argument.
Speaking out about the things that hurt you might be hard but admitting to having done hurtful things is way harder than that.
Communication is a skill that can be developed over time. Here are 3 Easy Hacks to help you through this process.
It’s always more tactical to try to listen to your partner first, before making them hear you out. Otherwise, you’re likely to just end up talking past each other.
Communicating in relationships tends to get messy. It’s ok to fight sometimes, that’s just the reality of how things work. There is no way around it.
Fighting is just a way of figuring things out. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s the only way to resolve an issue.
Resolving Arguments will eliminate the grudges and tear down the walls that are separating you from your partner.
You don’t need to attempt to solve all your relationship problems all at once, hearing your partner out about one small thing, can make a world of difference.
It will reignite that spark and bring you and your partner closer together.
Conclusion
The honeymoon phase is just a fleeting stage that people experience when they first get together. But just because that phase is over, doesn’t mean that the spark is gone.
It is totally possible to bring back that chemistry that made you and your partner crazy about each other when you first met. We have done it ourselves!
Moreover, chemistry can actually get better and stronger over time.
As you build trust and get to know each other, that spark of attraction that connected you and your partner at the beginning can transform into a raging fire, also known as TRUE LOVE.
It takes time and effort to make a relationship work. But believe me, it’s a great investment and it really pays off!
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What are your experiences with the honeymoon phase? What strategies do you use to bring back chemistry in your relationship?
Let me know in the comments below!
Karolina
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