Photo by Eduardo Simões Neto Junior
How long a good talking stage should last entirely depends on your character and also on the life circumstances you and your crush are in. There are no universal rules when it comes to falling in love and dating.
Everybody is different.
Some people are ready to move forward with dating just after a short text exchange. While others need weeks or even months to get there.
Life also sometimes comes in the way and can stop a budding relationship from progressing.
At the same time, there are people out there who want to string you along forever.
They might be intentionally staying stuck in the talking stage to keep you as backup, or just for the sake of using you for validation.
In this post, I will outline what factors can make the talking stage longer and how to recognize if it is too long already.
I’ll also talk about what to do to finally move forward and make dating official.
But before jumping into the particulars of this topic, let’s first briefly outline how to even recognize that you are in the talking stage.
How Do You Know You’re in the Talking Stage
You are in the talking stage with someone, if the two of you share a bit of an unspoken connection. You’re crushing on them, but are not entirely sure if they feel the same way.
However, you suspect that it is the case, because there’s undeniable chemistry and tension between the two of you!
You also likely text on regular bases. Alternatively, you keep on ‘bumping into each other’ at work, parties, at the gym etc.
Point being, you’re in regular contact of some kind, but you’re not officially dating yet.
How Long Should the Talking Stage Last
As previously mentioned, how long the talking stage is for a couple, depends on a lot of factors: like your character, preferences and life circumstances.
For example, introverts and people who are shy are more likely to need a longer warm up time before they open up and dare to express their feelings.
Another big factor that can prevent you from moving forward with dating are difficult life circumstances.
Things like health problems, stress at work, family emergencies or moving, can also come in the way and eat up all of your or your crush’s attention.
This was actually the case for my husband and I. We had a relatively long talking stage. It took us two and a half months to go from talking and bumping into each other to officially dating.
This was because Gabriel (my husband and co author of this blog) was moving at the time we met. And it took him a while to find a new place and settle in. So those circumstances prevented us from starting to officially date for about a month.
Ultimately, the talking stage should last as long as you’re comfortable with it lasting.
If you’re ok with you and your crush just talking and keeping things vague for months on end, then everything is fine.
There is no rush and no deadline.
You can stay in the talking stage as long as you want.
However, if you’re frustrated with the situation you’re in and impatient to finally start officially dating, that’s a sign your talking stage is already too long.
It’s time to make some changes and maybe even call out your crush and see where they really stand and what they truly want.
How Long Should the Talking Stage Last, Long Distance
Another big factor that might make the talking stage last longer for you is if you’re in a long distance situation.
Not everybody is willing to put up with the challenges of living far away from the person they are dating. That’s why they might need to ‘just talk’ for a longer period of time before wanting any kind of commitment.
Some people might even need to wait for some concrete prospect that would bring the two of you physically closer before wanting to involve themselves romantically.
This is why you can expect the talking stage to last longer in a long distance situation. Sometimes it can go on for months or even years.
This is not always going to be the case. There are people out there who are more comfortable with having a long distance partner.
And they will have no reservations and will make an effort to move things forward.
Talking Stage Dos and Don’ts
There are no fixed rules of the talking stage.
However, there are certain things you can do that can make the progress faster.
There are also things that can sabotage your chances or keep you stuck in the talking stage forever.
So let’s cover the top 3 do’s and top 3 don’ts to give you the best shot!
Do Go On Dates
Going on dates in the talking stage is going to be far more casual than it is when you’re officially dating. You might spontaneously arrange something, meet up for a coffee, go for lunch together etc.
It is probably the most effective way of shortening the talking stage.
Meeting in person is the best way to get to know each other, check if you have chemistry and if you’re a good match.
It also gives you an opportunity to make a move, start holding hands, kiss etc.
There are many things you can do to make a date feel special.
Plus, holding your crush’s hand or giving them a kiss might be enough to go from being just friends to officially dating.
Do Reach Out and Show Initiative
Being passive and never showing your interest is a big no-go in the talking stage.
(By doing it, you’re basically communicating you’re not into it and are just letting things fizzle out.)
Both men and women require encouragement in order to keep pursuing you.
That’s why one of the biggest dos in this stage of ‘just talking’ is taking action and making things happen.
This might mean many things: being the first one to reach out, sending a flirty text, asking him/her out etc.
And if you’re just too shy to make things happen yourself, you can also just send subtle hints to get your crush to ask you out instead.
Do Flirt With Your Crush
Flirting is one of the best ways to communicate that you want more than being ‘just friends’. That’s why it’s an absolute must in the talking stage.
That’s how you let your crush know you want to take things further. Without flirting, you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever.
Now for the top 3 don’ts.
Don’t Over-text
Over-texting is one of the biggest no-nos in the talking stage.
When you endlessly spam your crush with funny memes, TikToks, stories etc. you’ll come across as desperate. It’s not only very unattractive, it might even scare them away.
This is why it’s important to try to keep things balanced.
It’s not that you shouldn’t share these kinds of messages with your crush.It’s all well and good to make them laugh or update them on your life now and then.
Just try to gauge their reaction and adapt the number of text you send to that.
And if they stop responding, take a moment and try to figure out what happened.
Don’t Be the Only One to Always Initiate Contact
It takes two people to successfully get past the talking stage and start officially dating. If you feel like you’re the only one who is making things happen, it’s a sign it’s time for you to take the back seat.
This way, you’ll give your crush room to step up their game and reach out to you first for a change.
It’s also a way of finding out if they are serious about you or not.
If they’re interested, they’ll make the move. If they do nothing, you’re probably only wasting your time anyway.
Don’t Ignore the Red Flags
If you’re in the talking stage and your crush says or does things that make you feel a bit uneasy, most people’s reaction is to brush it off and start making excuses:
Oh, they didn’t mean it this way.
It was just a joke.
They’re probably just really busy right now.
Don’t be so sure… if your crush keeps on jumping in and out of your life like this, they might be a ghoster…
The talking stage is the time when you’re getting to know each other and evaluating whether this person is a good match for you.
That’s why it’s important to trust your gut and not diminish or ignore the red flags.
This way, you can protect yourself from wasting your time or even being seriously hurt in the future.
How Do You Get Past the Talking Stage
Now that you know how long the talking stage should be and are also familiar with the most essential rules of this phase, it’s time to finally discuss how to get past it.
In most cases, progressing out of the talking stage is a natural process.
As you get to know each other, you grow closer, only to eventually get to the point when one of you makes the move, and you then start officially dating.
That’s how it was for my husband and me. We met at a party, went out for coffee, went to more parties and eventually made plans to go to the movies together.
The movie we picked was extremely boring, so we went out for drinks afterwards (to make up for it and finally have some fun). That’s when he made the move and reached out for my hand.
(My heart was pounding!)
He kept on calmly talking to me and as the moment built, we finally shared our first kiss and the sparks were flying all evening long…
For us, as well as for many others, getting past the talking stage was an organic and gradual process.
So it’s really not something you need to obsess over too much.
You’re better off focusing on just flirting and getting to know your crush more.
How Do You Know the Talking Stage Is Going Well
The best way to recognize that everything is fine, and your talking stage is gradually progressing, is if you feel like you and your date are getting to know each other better and better.
Another good way to measure that this phase is going well is if the amount of communication between the two of you is steadily increasing.
If you keep on texting and feel increasingly comfortable with each other, then everything is going well!
Don’t worry too much, you’ll get there soon enough.
When to Bring Up the “Where Is This Going?” Question
If the talking stage with your crush has been going well (or at least ok), and you’re ready to start officially dating, a possible way to make it happen is by asking the “Where is this going?” question.
This way, you will confront yourself with the reality of the situation.
If they are genuinely interested in being in a relationship with you, they’ll give you an answer.
Don’t expect them to be one hundred percent clear on what they really want.
Nobody ever is.
But if they give you at least some encouragement, that’s probably good enough.
There is of course also a possibility that they were only stringing you along and never even intended in taking things further.
In this case, they will likely try to dodge answering your question.
If after asking your crush “Where is this going?” you only feel more frustrated and lost, it’s a sign you might be dealing with a player.
What to Do if You Are Stuck in the Talking Stage
If, despite all of your efforts, you continue being stuck in the talking stage, there are a couple of reasons as to why that is.
Emotionally unavailable people have a hard time opening up. If your crush struggles with that, it might take extra effort to gain their trust enough for them to want to take things further.
Another sad possibility is that they just aren’t into you. Or maybe they’re only interested in being friends.
There is no point waiting for something that will most likely never happen.
You deserve to be together with someone who will truly care about you.
Perhaps you just haven’t met this person yet…
Either way, if you feel frustrated and stuck, it’s a sign it’s time to make some changes.
If you could do with some guidance when it comes to your dating life, that’s something I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you identify patterns that are holding you back and not letting you get what you want.
I’ll also give you tips on what to do, to appear more attractive and mysterious. This way, your crush won’t be able to resist you and will want to commit to you.
In case you’re a woman stuck in the talking stage with a guy, you might want to check out my husband’s post: Make Him Want You With These 7 Sneaky Ways
And if you have any questions, leave me a comment below, and I’ll get back to you.
Karolina
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