Nobody likes discovering that they might be the source of their own misery.
It’s not just that something might be your fault… facing that is already difficult enough. But the pill that’s even harder to swallow? Realizing you were wrong about someone, or about your whole approach to the relationship.
Now, before you click away from this scary-sounding topic, hang in there for a second!
We’re all wrong when it comes to relationships sometimes. We’re wrong about our partners, we’re wrong about ourselves, and that’s okay.
Let’s just say it plainly:
Yes, anxious people do sometimes teach avoidants to take them for granted.
But let’s not pretend avoidants are the better half here. They often behave in ways that make their partners act controlling. They can be so distant, dismissive, and rebellious, that you start needing to check up on them, just to feel a tiny bit safe.
In the same way, anxiously leaning people tend to do things that unintentionally send the message:
“It’s okay to take me for granted.”
Relationships are emotional minefields. And every day, both partners are planting new mines, traps not just for the other, but also for themselves.
In this post, I’m going to walk you through the specific ways that you, as the anxious partner, might be stepping on your own emotional landmines, and showing your avoidant partner how to walk all over you.
But before I start scolding you (with love!), let me be super clear: I’ve made all these mistakes myself.
And back when I was frustrated with my avoidant partner for being dismissive or emotionally detached… I should’ve been more frustrated with myself.
Admitting that you might be part of the problem is not easy.
It’s even harder to let go of your old habits…
But the rewards you’ll gain from doing this work will make it completely worth it!
So let’s dive in.
1. You’re Being Too Emotionally Unfiltered
As an anxiously attached person, you want your relationship to be a safe space. A place where you can be your true, vulnerable self. You want to be honest, raw, open… and you want your partner to be the same.
But let’s pause and take a hard look:
Is that working?
Is your avoidant partner loving, expressive, and emotionally open?
Do they meet your vulnerability with tenderness and honesty?
Or do they hit you with “I don’t know” or “I just don’t feel the same way”?
Now imagine you walked into a job interview and just emotionally dumped all over your potential boss. Would they trust you more? Would you walk away with a great salary?
Probably not.
The sad truth about anxious-avoidant dynamics is that they’re not naturally a safe space.
So when you’re emotionally raw and unfiltered, what you think is vulnerability often reads as weakness to your avoidant partner. You give them emotional power, and instead of reciprocating, they withhold even more.
You think you’re being honest. But… are you?
Because here’s the truth I hate to admit, but I know it’s true from personal experience:
We anxious people can be hypocrites.
Avoidants say they don’t care when they secretly do.
Anxious folks say they’re all love and openness, while secretly holding onto resentment and disappointment.
I’ve seen it in myself. I’ve seen it in our coaching clients.
We might seem emotionally “honest,” but we withhold things too, we just hide different stuff than avoidants do.
And unfortunately, the things we withhold often teach our avoidant partners it’s safe to ignore our needs.
2. You’re Hiding Your Boundaries (Even From Yourself)
Avoidants are often irrationally pessimistic in relationships. They expect things to go wrong, they focus on the flaws.
Anxious partners? We tend to be irrationally optimistic. We tell ourselves everything’s fine, even when it’s not. Only to make it worse, we act like we don’t have boundaries, even when we’re screaming inside.
I used to do this constantly.
When my avoidant boyfriend complained about our relationship, I would respond by listing everything that was great between us. I’d downplay the problems, suggest solutions… and conveniently forget to mention that I had complaints too. A lot of them.
Why?
Because I didn’t feel safe bringing them up.
Because I was afraid he’d pull away.
Because I didn’t want to rock the boat.
So instead, I kept the peace… and quietly built up resentment.
When we do this, we blind side our partners. We rob them of the opportunity to grow. And we create a reality where they believe nothing they do ever has consequences. Where they’re rewarded for putting in the bare minimum.
3. You Respond to Rejection With More Love
Let’s say your avoidant partner has pulled away, stopped texting, or said they “need space.”
What do you do?
Do you send a loving message?
Offer to help them with their work?
Write them a letter about how special they are?
Be honest.
Now picture this dynamic in a totally different scenario: Imagine you weren’t dealing with an avoidant human being, but a cute pet.
Imagine your dog just pooped on your couch… and instead of correcting it, you gave it a cuddle and a treat.
Or your puppy ate your lunch off the table… and you served it another plate.
That’s what you’re doing when you reward rejection with love.
Avoidants are like mischievous puppies. They don’t respond to being smothered. They need clear, calm boundaries. Gentle corrections. Space to earn back trust.
And unfortunately… one of you has to be the “grown-up” in this relationship.
You can’t both act like puppies.
That doesn’t mean your avoidant partner has nothing to offer. Maybe they bring maturity in other areas of life. But in this area: emotional regulation, relationship maintenance, it’s going to have to be you.
If you have the strength to keep loving them through all the confusion, you also have the strength to love yourself enough to change how you respond.
You Have More Power Than You Think
You can’t force your avoidant partner to change.
But you can inspire change by shifting your attitude and behavior.
I know it’s painful to accept that your relationship isn’t a safe space right now.
I know it’s heartbreaking to admit your partner might be selfish, emotionally immature, or just not ready.
But here’s a little relief: your avoidant partner feels the same way. They see your flaws, too, they wish you were more confident, more independent. They want connection but don’t know how to handle it. And just like you, they’re blind to their own contradictions.
Changing your part in this dynamic is hard. But it’s doable.
And you don’t have to figure it out alone.
Want Support? We Built Something For You.
I’ve gone through this process myself.
And I’ve helped hundreds of coaching clients go through it too.
That’s why my formerly avoidant husband and I created Attach an Avoidant, a step-by-step program that teaches you how to stop rewarding bad behavior, start showing up differently, and get your avoidant partner to actually open up and invest.
If you’re tired of doing all the emotional labor and still being taken for granted… this is your chance to shift the dynamic.
You don’t need to beg, chase or walk on eggshells.
You do need to change how you relate to yourself, and how you respond to your partner’s avoidant behaviors.
And we’ll show you exactly how.
Click here to learn more about Attach an Avoidant
Thank you for reading. You’ve got this!
Karolina
- Are You the “Helper Type”? That’s Why Avoidants Dismiss You So Easily - 6. October, 2025
- How I Finally Got My Avoidant Partner To Trust Me - 13. September, 2025
- I Was Dating an Avoidant. Here’s What Made Him Stop Pulling Away - 16. August, 2025
