Should I Get Back with My Ex? 5 Things You Need to Know

Should I Get Back with My Ex? 5 Things You Need to Know

Photo by Bewakoof.com

If you’re wondering whether you should get back with an ex or not, then chances are you still have feelings for them.

However, there are clearly things about them or about the breakup that give you pause and make you question if it’s a good idea to give them another chance.

Will letting them in only get you burned all over again? Or can things be different this time round?

Both of these scenarios actually happened to me.

My ex broke up with me, we got back together, but only for him to leave again. This happened TWICE.

However, the third time we broke up, we actually managed to figure things out for good. We got back together and are now happily married and run this blog, where we help others get through the same hurdles we were once struggling with.

In this blog post, I’ll try to cover everything you need to know to be able to decide whether you should take your ex back or not.

I’ll talk about all the good things as well as, disadvantages of getting back together and the red flags to look out for.

So let’s have an honest talk about it, to help paint a realistic picture of your situation and so you know what to expect. These are the 5 things you need to know before taking your ex back:

I. It’s Normal To Get Back Together With An Ex

Yes, it is normal to get back together with an ex.

Just because the two of you broke up, it doesn’t mean that your feelings for each other are gone, this in turn makes you feel connected to them.

That’s why you might end up wanting your ex back.

Plus, when people say they want to break up, they often don’t actually mean it. We all get attached to our partners and have a really hard time letting go.

Getting back together with an ex is not just normal, it’s also extremely common.

Statistically speaking, 70% of straight couples break up in the first year of their relationship. On top of that, a 2013 study found that almost 50% of couples who break up, end up getting back together.

Applying some simple math help you understand just how common, connecting and reconciling with an ex actually is:

If 70% percent of couples break up and 50% of them end up getting back together, this means that 35% of ALL COUPLES will break up and get back together just within the first year of their relationship!

This means approximately one in three people gets back with their ex just in the first year of being together!

II. Getting Back With An Ex Can Work

Makes sense that you wonder if reconnecting with an ex is a good idea or not.

After all, they likely hurt you, letting them back in means giving them another chance and risking getting hurt again.

When it came to my own breakups, initially getting back together didn’t work for us. But eventually, we figured out our problems and built a happy and stable relationship.

The same is true for our coaching clients, some of which get back together with an ex only to break up again a few months down the line. While others stay together and are good.

Getting back with an ex will never work, when you’re just jumping back into the honeymoon phase without actually fixing anything.

This is what happened for Gabriel and me the first two times round. We were so crazy about each other, our love, and passion took over, and we hoped that that would have been enough.

Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.

Having a healthy and happy relationship takes work and effort.

Getting back with an ex will only work if you manage to solve the problem that made you break up in the first place.

For example, if your ex’s commitment issues drove them away, you need to work on that to prevent them from leaving you again.

(This is something that people loving someone with avoidant attachment often struggle with).

Alternatively, if one of you was too anxious and consequently controlling, you’ll also need to work on your own attachment style and become more secure, for your relationship to be able to function in the long term.

III. It’s Ok to Take Back an Ex Who Dumped You

Friends and family will always tell you, you should never take back an ex who dumped you.

This advice works in theory, but rarely in practice. Because people tend to underestimate the strength of emotional attachments.

In reality, it’s really hard not to take back an ex who dumped you.

After all, them wanting to get back together undoes the pain of their earlier rejection. It lets you instantaneously put all that hurt back in the past and even pretend that it never happened.

That your ex didn’t actually mean what they said and never meant to leave you.

This sometimes truly is the case.

People who break up often don’t know what they’re doing. Dumpers need to go through certain emotional stages before the breakup actually hits them.

Also, some people say they want to leave, only as a last resort. It might be the only way they have left to try to make it clear that something very important isn’t working for them in the relationship.

For me personally, taking back an ex who dumped me worked really well in the end. But there are cases where it is better not to do it.

Regardless whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, below I’ll list three good reasons when you should get back with an ex and three red flags to look out for.

3 Good Reasons To Get Back With An Ex

Breaking up and getting back together is prevalent. You can actually build a happy and stable relationship afterward. The situations described down below are the ones when taking an ex back could be a good idea.

1. Your Ex Has Qualities You Really Value

It’s not easy to find someone you’re compatible with and whom you appreciate and click with. If your ex has qualities you really value, it could be a sign you have found true love.

If what you share feels very special, then this kind of bond is worth preserving. And could be a good reason, in itself, to get back with an ex.

2. Good Things Outweighed The Bad In Your Relationship

All couples pretend to be perfectly happy and have things figured out. But the reality of relationships is that they’re never perfect.

Everybody has issues. It’s normal and healthy to fight with your partner from time to time.

If you feel like, despite everything, the good things outweighed the bad in your relationship, getting back together could be a good idea for you.

3. You Really Want Them Back

What I see with a lot of our clients (this was true for Gabriel and I too) is that some exes have a very strong pull towards each other. It’s hard to resist them. Staying apart feels straight up wrong.

Sometimes, when you really want something, you do actually have a good reason for it.

Maybe your ex is good for you. Despite their struggles and imperfections, they might be exactly the type of person you want and need to be together with.

It could be a good idea to take an ex back, when you just really want them.

You can trust your gut and your intuition. Plus, if you don’t take this risk, chances are you will regret it further down the line.

4 Red Flags To Look Out For When Getting Back With An Ex

The four red flags I’ll describe below are things to look out for. If you find yourself in one of these situations, be careful. This is when taking an ex back might only get you hurt again.

1. Your Ex Was Abusive Or Cheated

Any form of abuse is not good for you. The same if true about being cheated on.

You deserve better!

Even though your ex might have apologized and said they changed, keep in mind these are two serious issues that don’t change from one day onto the next.

Toxic relationships can get better, but it takes a lot of work and effort on both sides to make that happen.

They say once a cheater, always a cheater. Among our coaching clients, this mostly turns out to be true. It takes some inner work and personal development for someone with those kinds of tendencies to actually change.

It happens. Cheaters can change. The same is true for abusive partners.

But they really have to see the scope of the problem and put their mind and heart into fixing it.

Keep this in mind when giving an abusive ex or a cheater a second chance.

Make sure that their apology is more than just words. It needs to be backed by some serious long-term actions, otherwise it might be better that you don’t get back together.

2. The Relationship Wasn’t Actually Working For You

Another red flag to look out for when getting back with an ex is when the relationship wasn’t working for you before the breakup.

Maybe there were some very important things you were not getting, or something about your ex was a dealbreaker.

For example, they were too controlling, didn’t listen to you, or had a double standard and unrealistic expectations.

But then the breakup happened, all the feelings came up, and now all your issues with your ex became forgotten or stopped mattering to you.

This could be a sign you should not get back with your ex, because some people break up for an effect.

They can sense that you’re unhappy about something and don’t like it. So they break up, not because they want to end things, but to regain power and control in the relationship.

They do it on purpose to make you reconsider your priorities and chase them instead.

3. Your Ex Isn’t Willing To Fix Anything On Their End

Another red flag when getting back with an ex is when they blame you for everything and don’t see any need for improvement on their end.

We all make mistakes. Maybe you really did hurt your ex without intending to do so. You might feel like their anger is justified.

But no matter what the circumstances were, there are always two sides to every story.

Even if you do carry most of the blame, your ex must have still contributed to this situation in some shape or form. Even if it was just by giving up on fixing things and breaking up too soon.

If your ex keeps on blaming you for everything and refuses to see any fault with themselves, it’s a sign it might be better not to get back together with them.

This kind of power dynamic is not realistic or healthy.

4. Your Ex Ghosted You

Last but not least, if your ex suddenly disappeared without an explanation, only to return with a somewhat plausible excuse like: “I was really stressed or depressed.”, be careful.

Ghosting is a red flag when getting back with an ex because most ghosters disappear and come back over and over again.

Dropping off the map could be their default response to any sign of trouble. Or worse yet, they’re hiding something, like serious mental health problems, addiction, cheating, etc.

Again, it can be fixed or worked on. But they have to be willing to put in the effort. Keep this in mind when taking back an ex who ghosted you.

IV. Disadvantages Of Going Back To Your Ex

When considering getting back together, it’s easy to get swept away by all the intense emotions and just jump into things. That’s what Gabriel and I did, and it’s also what led to us breaking up again and again.

This is why it’s important that you prepare yourself for what’s to come and have a realistic view of things. That’s how you can avoid further disappointments and heartbreak.

First off, don’t expect things to be different the second time around on their own.

Breakups followed by promises don’t change anything. In order to actually fix your relationship, you will have to both work on making it happen.

Secondly, you’re going to also have to work through the falling out caused by the breakup itself.

The person who decided to leave abandoned the other. They broke their trust by doing it.

Rebuilding trust after the breakup is another issue you’re going to have to fix, to be able to actually move past it and be happy together.

V. Advantages Of Going Back To Your Ex

So far, you might be feeling like taking an ex back is a terrible idea. After all, we just covered all the red flags to look out for and the disadvantages of getting back together.

However, there are plenty of good things to look forward to too!

First one of them being that it will heal your broken heart almost instantly.

There is no faster way of taking away the pain of rejection, then reversing it. Some breakups are just a misunderstanding or overreaction. Half of the time when people say they want to break up, they don’t actually mean it.

Maybe your ex didn’t actually want to leave, so taking them back is just you undoing their mistake.

The second big advantage of taking back an ex is that it gives you a chance to actually figure things out between the two of you.

Regardless whether you get back together or not, the baggage of a failed relationship will stay with you until you work through it.

Taking your ex back gives you a chance to work through your issues TOGETHER.

You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. You can have a back and forth and share responsibility for all the problems.

My husband and I couldn’t be happier that we decided to give it another shot. Getting back together worked not only for us, but for many of our coaching clients too. Some of which have been back together for a few years already and managed to build stable and happy relationships.

If you want to learn more of our breakup story, I describe it here:

How I Got Him Back - 5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again

If after reading all this, you still don’t know what to do, I can help you figure it out in a coaching call.

SimplyTogether Coaching Calls

Here, I’ll evaluate your situation and tell you what are the odds of you actually getting what you want from your ex. This way, you’ll be able to know for sure what the right decision is and what to expect.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

Thank you for reading! If you have any questions, leave them in the comments section and I’ll get back to you.

Karolina

Should You Block Or Ignore An Ex? When To Do Which

Should You Block Or Ignore An Ex? When To Do Which

Photo by MART PRODUCTION

If you’re wondering whether it’s better to block or ignore an ex, chances are you’re pretty hurt.

Maybe they did something extremely out of line. Or you just had enough of the same old problems constantly repeating themselves. Perhaps it was their decision to end things that broke your heart…

Regardless of what led you to this point, I’m so sorry you’re going through this!

I know how much it hurts to be on the verge of wanting to ignore or block your ex.

My husband and I broke up three times in the first two years of our relationship. And there was a time when I needed to cut him off for a while to give myself room to heal and recover.

It didn’t really work as I intended… but more on this later.

In this blog post I’ll explain what blocking an ex does to an ex, when to do it and when it’s better to just ignore them.

I’ll also share a bit more of our story and our clients stories to really illustrate how exes react depending on the circumstances of your breakup. But before going into it, I want to clarify a couple of your guy’s questions about blocking an ex:

What You Need To Know Before Blocking An Ex

Blocking an ex might be the last time you’ll ever interact with them. But it also can give your ex that irresistible impulse to lose all sense of self-control and start chasing you.

Generally speaking, it tends to have the opposite effect than the one you intended it to have.

If you’re trying to move on, your ex will likely feel compelled to chase you.

And if you’re doing it to get them to come back to you, it might only backfire and drive them further away.

It’s a paradox. For you to understand it, we need to dive a little into the psychology of blocking an ex.

What Message Does Blocking An Ex Send

Blocking an ex sends a very clear message of rejection: that you’re very hurt and angry and don’t want anything to do with them anymore.

It tells them that you’re not available or interested in any type of interaction.

You’re doing this to them will trigger a lot of mixed feelings for them. Mostly negative ones, though.

A little side note here: if your ex struggled with respecting your boundaries in the relationship, blocking them might send them into an anxious spiral.

They might initially see it as a misunderstanding, deny that you meant it, and look for alternative ways to reach you. Like contacting you in person, reaching out to your friends, etc.

Does Blocking An Ex Hurt Them

Yes, blocking an ex definitely hurts them. It’s painful to be rejected, especially by a person you cared about.

Keep in mind: any hurt and pain you’re adding to a relationship will create additional barriers when it comes to potentially getting back together.

Does Blocking Your Ex Make Them Miss You?

No, blocking an ex doesn’t make them miss you. It might make them feel like they’ve lost control over you, trigger their anxiety and make them chase you, though.

But, if you’re doing it for an effect, your ex will most likely see through you.

I’ve had countless male coaching clients roll their eyes and say things like: “She blocked, unblocked and then blocked me again. Why is she being so childish? Can’t we just figure it out like two adults?”

Also, if your ex is angry with you about something, so much so, they broke up with you because of it, blocking them will not change this, it will only make them more angry.

Should I Block My Ex Who Dumped Me

If you want to move on, blocking an ex who dumped you will ensure that you don’t hear from them.

This will speed up your recovery and make room for you to fall in love again sooner.

But if you want to get your ex back, you should not block an ex who dumped you.

It will only make them give up on you and move on faster. This is especially true when your ex is an avoidant.

Is It Safer To Simply Ignore Your Ex

Yes, ignoring your ex is a much safer bet. It doesn’t trigger nearly as many emotions as blocking does. It also leaves you more room to change your mind further down the line.

As long as your ex isn’t overriding your boundaries, in which case blocking them is the only way for you to stay safe from their constant harassment (this is how some exes end up being blocked on everything).

Will Ignoring An Ex Make Them Miss You

Yes, ignoring an ex will give them room to miss you. Especially if they were the ones who dumped you. Ignoring is much milder form of a rejection. It doesn’t hurt nearly as much.

If you’re ignoring an ex, you’re not communicating that you don’t care about them anymore. You’re simply giving them a bit of a cold shoulder.

You often have to cut your ex off a bit to get them to miss you, as long as you give them some encouragement as well.

Here is where I want to share a bit more of our own story.

Gabriel and I (we’re the couple who runs this blog together) broke up three times in the first two years of our relationship. To be more exact, he dumped me THREE times. Last time it happened, I thought to myself: third time’s the charm, I’m not doing this again.

After our third breakup, he wanted to meet up for a coffee to make sure “we parted on good terms”. I was not up for it and refused to see him for a month. I wanted to give myself time to heal and actually intended to move on.

Once I thought I was over him, we finally met for coffee, that turned into drinks, then a hookup and this is how we got back together in one afternoon/evening.

The moral of the story is: breakups are messy, they rarely work out the way you expect them too.

When you don’t know what you’re doing, your actions will likely lead to the opposite result of what you desire!

Is Ignoring Your Ex The Best Revenge?

If you’re looking for revenge on your ex, it shows you’re not over them. That’s ok.

It’s a natural reaction to feel this way when someone you loved hurts you deeply.

Ignoring your ex can be a good start, but if you really want revenge, you might need to combine it with some provocative social media posts.

However, keep in mind that pushing it too hard can break your relationship for good.

Also, they might up the stakes and play the game with you. You post a photo of your date, they might post one too. This is the problem with seeking revenge, being too emotionally involved might only get you burned more.

But if you’re cold already and 100% resolved on moving on, you can safely ignore your ex and show off how well you’re doing without them to your heart’s content.

Is It Better To Block Or Ignore An Ex?

If you want to move on, blocking your ex is a better option. It will give you the distance you need to disconnect emotionally and start over.

Keep in mind, if your ex was anxious or controlling, you might need to prepare yourself for their initial resistance. They will eventually give up and leave you be, though.

But if you’re not sure what you want or want to get your ex back, ignoring them is a much safer bet.

As long as you’re not too cold and rejecting, it will leave them room to miss you, and it gives you a way to get back at them a little. You do get some revenge without risking pushing them away completely.

Breakups are messy, rejection hurts, there is no way around it.

The biggest problem with ignoring your ex in order to get them back, is that they might be doing the very same thing to you.

You might be applying the no contact rule to get them to change their mind. And they might be doing the very same thing to get you to change yours or to get their point across.

This is why ignoring your ex is almost never enough to actually get them to want you back. You always need to combine it with some effort to come their way and address their issues.

If you want to know what it takes to get your ex back, I go into detail on that here: How I Got Him Back  –  5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again

And if you’re feeling so hurt and heartbroken right now, that you don’t know what is what anymore. On one hand, you might feel like you want to cut your ex off completely because they hurt you so.

But on the other hand, you really want them to see their own mistakes and make it up to you.

I can help you get through this in a coaching call.

Here, you can tell me what happened, and I’ll take your side. I’ll then help you figure out what it is that YOU really want and what to do to achieve that outcome.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

Thank you for reading, if you have any questions, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you!

Karolina

How to Write Your Ex a Closure Letter That Will Impact Them

How to Write Your Ex a Closure Letter That Will Impact Them

Photo by cottonbro studio

So you’re considering sending a closure letter to your ex. By doing it, you’re likely looking for a chance to express your thoughts and feelings one last time.

Maybe you’re hoping that doing this will force your ex to give you answers. That they’ll reveal where they truly stand and set you free, so that you can move on.

Or maybe you’re still very much in love and are having a hard time letting go.

You wish that sending them this closure letter will finally open their eyes and realize what they’re about to lose.

Countless coaching clients of ours found themselves in one of the two above-mentioned situations. Many of them were trying to get their ex back, but some were genuinely looking for real closure.

Some of them followed our advice, while others did what felt right to them. It didn’t always work.

Their experiences and attitudes taught us a lot about when it’s a good idea to send a closure letter and how to formulate it so that it had the desired impact on your ex.

In this blog post, I will share with you what I’ve learned from our clients’ successful and failed attempts, so that you don’t have to repeat their mistakes.

When Is It a Good Idea to Send a Letter to Your Ex

First off, I’m going to cover a very common pattern I noticed in both men and women. Being broken up with is often extremely distressing. I know from my own experience that rejection hurts very deeply.

So much so, it sends people into a spiral of anxiety and desperation. And then in that hyperemotional state, they want to write long love letters to their ex.

They hope that listing all the good things about the relationship, telling their ex how much they love them, how special things are between them etc. will be enough to reverse the breakup.

If you’re feeling very emotional and desperate, then sending a letter to your ex is NOT a good idea right now.

Showing your ex the raw, unfiltered version of you will only drive them further away.

But if that moment has already passed, you might still be sad, you might still be desperate. But you’re not out of control anymore, so sending a closure letter might actually do you a lot of good.

It’s Ok to Contact Your Ex for Closure When You Need to Get Things off Your Chest

Relationships and breakups tend to be messy. There are likely things you’re hurting about. Maybe it’s about how your ex was relating to you while you were still together. It could also be about the way they chose to end things.

This kind of heartache can cut very deeply, so much so, it might make it impossible for you to move on.

This is where confronting your ex about how they hurt you could be the only thing that can allow you to start processing those feelings.

Expressing your anger and hurt will make room for grief and eventually closure.

An important note here: only do this if you want to move on.

This kind of closure letter might be the last contact you ever have with your ex. Also, they will most likely remain in denial or react defensively. Or they might not respond at all.

Keep in mind, no response is in fact a response. This kind of closure letter is more about your emotional journey, not about your ex.

If you approach it as such, it will give the relief and answers you’re looking for.

Send a Closure Letter When You Want to Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong

This is the second type of closure letter, one that you can send as a last resort to try to fix things. The point of it is to show your ex that you understand your own mistakes and how they contributed to the breakup.

We all make mistakes in relationships and in life, we’re only human after all.

So if you reflected on your own behavior and now see that certain things you did might have hurt your ex or only made their situation worse, then this is something worth sharing with them.

This kind of closure/accountability letter can be the very thing that makes it clear to them that you’ve actually changed. At the same time, it’s a good way to communicate to your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously.

There are certain stages a dumper goes through before they really wake up to the breakup.

This could be the very thing that softens them enough so that they can realize what’s actually happening and what they’re about to lose.

How to Write an Impactful Closure Letter to Your Ex

The biggest danger with sending a closure letter to your ex is that it will only backfire and make them reject you all over again. These are the rules you want to follow in order to avoid this:

1. Don’t Try to Convince Your Ex of Anything

Trying to convince an ex to change their mind is not going to work. No matter how hard you try or how good your arguments are, it’s all a waste of breath and time.

Even if your ex is only pretending to be over you, they’ll remain stubborn and unmoved.

There is no point telling them how special the relationship was or that you’re meant to be together.

As long as you’re pushing them or convincing them of something, your closure letter will not impact them the way you hope it would. What’s more, you’ll drive them further away.

If this is where you’re coming from, it’s better you keep your thoughts to yourself or vent to a friend instead.

2. Don’t Try to Guilt-Trip Your Ex

Much like with convincing, guilt-tripping your ex will not change their mind. They’ll remain cold, distant, and unavailable.

Your ex is likely hurting after the breakup themselves, so they’ll have no room for what you need from them. So don’t tell them how much you love them and miss them in your closure letter. It won’t do you any favors.

If this is where you’re coming from, you’ll only get burned.

3. Don’t Ask For Anything

Another important rule to follow when trying to write an impactful closure letter to an ex is to not ask them for anything. Again, much like with convincing or guilt-tripping, asking your ex for things will only backfire.

This includes asking for forgiveness.

Your ex is at where they’re at. For the time being, they want to remain broken up. As long as this is the case, they won’t be willing to come your way.

Needing things from them at this point might only make your ex block you on everything.

4. If You Want Them Back, Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong

If the purpose of your closure letter is to give one last shot at getting your ex back, then you should center it around taking responsibility for what you did wrong.

Acknowledge the things your ex complained about you doing or not doing. Apologize for hurting them or driving them away.

Show that you accept and understand their decisions.

This is the only way you can actually get through to them.

Some of my coaching clients sent a letter like this, and it worked. Their ex was moved and open to communication afterwards. They could then gradually work on rebuilding trust and slowly getting back together.

5. If You Want to Move On, Confront Them About Stringing You Along

The problem with moving on after a breakup is that a lot of exes continue acting hot and cold. So they’ll make just enough effort to make sure that you will remain hooked, but will avoid giving you straight answers.

They’ll be stringing you along with a false sense of hope. Not wanting to let go but also not wanting to get back together.

When this is the case, at some point you have to say: enough is enough, I can’t take this anymore.

It’s time to let them know, things aren’t working for you, you’re at your limit, and you won’t let them take you for granted any longer.

This kind of closure letter can make your ex wake up to the reality of your breakup and reconsider what they actually want. Or it might also be the last thing you ever write to them, and you never hear from them again.

When sending this type of closure letter to your ex, keep in mind: someone who ever truly cared about you, will respond to this and start chasing you.

How to Know Your Closure Letter Made an Impact

The way to tell if sending a closure letter made an impact on your ex or not is by looking at how fast they reply and what their response is.

If they respond right away and remain defensive, then it didn’t land the way you wanted it to land. You can try again, or you can also choose to give up.

If your ex remains silent for a week and then replies something slightly encouraging, it means your words made an impact, and they are now testing if you truly meant it.

And if you never hear from them again, then it likely did make an impact, but they just never cared enough about you. Some people give up easily and don’t have what it takes to build a long-lasting relationship.

If you need help formulating your closure letter, this is something we could help you with through email coaching.

Here you could send us your draft and my husband, or I will make suggestions and formulate your thoughts in a way that will make your ex respond.

We’ll also help you make sense of what’s going on and what your ex’s feelings truly are.

Click here to check out Email Coaching

If you need more help finding closure, check out my husband’s post: When Someone You Love Hurts You Deeply – How to Get Through It

It will give you some consolation!

Thank you for reading, so sorry you’re going through this! If you have any doubts or questions, share them in the comments section, and I’ll get back to you!

Karolina

Why Your Ex Moved On So Fast And Your Options

Why Your Ex Moved On So Fast And Your Options

Photo by Mizuno K

First, you had a sudden breakup that hit you out of nowhere.

Then, as if your life spiraling out of control wasn’t enough, you find out that your ex is already seeing someone else, and it seems serious.

How could your ex move on so fast!?

It can leave you wondering:

  • “Did I mean nothing to them?”
  • “Was my ex not attached to me at all?”
  • “How could they be so cruel?!”
  • “How long had they been thinking about moving on?”
  • “Did I even know them??”

You might understandably be in a lot of distress and pain because of this, so in this post I’m going to help you understand what’s going on in your ex’s head.

Then we’ll cover what you can do to ease your anxiety.

Reasons Why Your Ex Moved On So Fast

Let’s cut to the chase and talk about the possible reasons your ex moved on so fast.

Not all of these reasons will apply to you, but you’ll likely recognize yourself and your ex in some of them:

Your relationship was troubled for a while

What seems like a sudden decision from your ex, was actually the result of a relationship that had been troubled for a while.

It’s often the case that one partner is unaware as to how bad things are for the other.

They think that things are “okay” for the most part, when in fact their relationship is on THIN ice.

So the issues that are driving you apart are never addressed, and the resentment grows, eventually accumulating in an emotional breakup.

Your ex was keeping their thoughts & feelings secret

Another thing that can contribute to an ex moving on so fast, is that they were unhappy in your relationship and chose to keep what they actually thought, and felt a secret from you.

So for you, it looks like it all happened so fast, when in fact, they’ve been distancing themselves for a while.

Maybe if you think back to the last months of your relationship, you’ll retrospectively notice that they seemed to be withdrawing more and keeping things from you.

An ex might decide to do this because they believe they’ve already tried everything to make it work.

Or they might be lousy at expressing what wasn’t working for them and opted to run away instead.

They might have been talking to someone for a while

If they were keeping further secrets from you and seeing someone else, it can also contribute to them moving on very fast.

Because they’ll have built some form of a connection with another person over a few weeks or even months. And once they felt ready, they let go of you and moved onto the next person.

(This is also called ‘monkey-barring’, like the monkey bars on a playground, where you only let go of one bar once you’ve got a firm hold on the next bar)

If you’ve found out that this applies to you, I’m very sorry it’s come to this. It’s a hurtful experience that I wish you’d been spared from.

Your ex changed as a person

People change. And when they do, it’s unfortunately often for the worse.

Negative change in a partner generally happens slowly over years, so it’s DIFFICULT to spot.

But at some point in time, they have changed so thoroughly, that they are no longer the person you knew.

Which can come as an additional shock. Because you thought you knew them and could trust them, but it turned out that NEITHER were true.

Your ex can’t be alone

Some people just can’t be alone. Being single is so terrifying to them, that they always make sure they are in a relationship with someone.

Even if they AREN’T particularly fond of that person!

So what might look like your ex moving on really fast to you, can in fact be your ex ensuring they are not alone with their own thoughts that terrify them so.

They haven’t actually moved on

And finally, I’d like to emphasize that your ex moving on so fast, doesn’t necessarily mean that they’ve actually moved on.

This means that just because your ex physically moved onto another relationship, it doesn’t mean that they’ve EMOTIONALLY moved on.

And this is a crucial distinction to never miss!

Because there are in fact 5 dumper stages before they wake up to the breakup. And it takes TIME to move on. Like, A LOT of time to truly get over an ex.

My wife and I have been helping our clients get their ex back and mending relationships for years now. And in some cases, their ex had moved on with someone else…

But then later changed their mind because emotional bonds not only take time to build, they also take an almost equal amount of time to dissolve.

Will It Be Easy For My Ex To Move On?

Whether it’s easy for your ex to move on will depend on the following:

How long you were together

The longer a couple is together, the harder it is for an ex to move on after a breakup. If your relationship lasted all of a few weeks, then they can get over things very quickly. But if you were together for over a year, it will be difficult and take time for them to forget you.

Your love/hate ratio

No relationship or couple is perfect, but there are degrees of how much time you’re fighting, vs enjoying each other’s company. This is why we talk about the necessity of having a love/hate ratio that mostly leans towards good. If this applies to you, it’ll be harder for your ex to get over you.

How enmeshed your lives are

Whether it’s pragmatic or financial, these things can make it hard for an ex to move on. Because the more enmeshed your lives are, the more time and energy will need to be dedicated towards un-enmeshing and tying up loose ends.

How Long Is Normal To Get Over An Ex?

A normal amount of time to get over an ex is the SAME amount of time you were in a relationship.

So if you were together for 3 months, it will likely take either of you about 3 months to truly get over each other.

And if you were together for 5 years, then expect it to take 5 YEARS to truly get over your relationship!

People still feel connected to their ex for long periods.

To illustrate this point, I’ll let you in on a little secret…

When I reassure my clients that their ex won’t and can’t get over them so quickly, some of them ask:

“Well, how do you know that?”

To which I ask them, about a previous ex of theirs and whether that ex still crosses their mind. Whether they still wonder ‘What if?’ and draw comparisons to their current ex.

You guessed it, they still think about their previous ex and aren’t truly over them.

And the same is true of your ex.

Because human connection runs deep and takes time to undo! We can’t “Just get over” someone, even when we’re pretending to ourselves…

How Do I Deal With My Ex Moving On So Fast?

Well, that will entirely depend on which of the following you feel:

1. I want to move on and heal

2. I want to try to fix things with my ex

You can skip to your selection below for more details on what to do:

1. I want to move on and heal

If this is your choice, let me just say that this is PERFECTLY understandable.

Sometimes it’s clear that a relationship is beyond repair. There was too much hurt and damage for either of you to want to try to salvage what’s left.

And you might want to stop loving them, because it just hurts.

You want to just let go, move on and find a way to heal.

So if this is your choice, you can definitely do ‘No Contact’ which in this case would mean you cut off all contact with your ex for AT LEAST a few months.

The distance will help you get over them bit by bit as you process the emotions you’ll feel after a long-term relationship breakup.

And if that’s too radical for you, you can let things slowly fizzle out. Gradually reduce your response rate and engage less.

Eventually you and your ex will drift apart, going your separate ways and living new lives.

2. I want to try to fix things with my ex

If you’re in this position, then you have a feeling that things could still be remedied with your ex.

That despite them moving you, you want to try to find a way because you believe there’s hope.

This was the case for my then-girlfriend (now wife) and I too!

We actually broke up three times because I couldn’t see things working out between us in the long run.

But despite all of it, we got through to each other, and now we help our clients do the same in our Coaching Calls.

SimplyTogether Coaching CallsIn a call, I’ll first listen to your entire story. After which we’ll talk about your ex and get into their head to figure out the best way to win them back over!

Clients often find success in stopping certain behaviors, rather than doing new things, but more on that in a call.

Click here to check out Ex Back Coaching Calls.

Thank you for reading, and I hope you feel a bit better now. You can of course also leave your story or questions you have in the comments, and I’ll get back to you.

And if you still want to understand your situation in more detail, you can read: Do Exes Come Back? – An Honest Answer.

You’ll be okay.

Gabriel

My Ex Blocked Me On Everything – What Should I Do?

My Ex Blocked Me On Everything – What Should I Do?

Photo by Ahmed Aqtai

So your ex blocked you on everything, and you’re wondering what to do.

If your ex blocked you, then they’re telling you that they don’t want to have contact with you. Plain and simple.

There can be an endless list of reasons and motives for them to block you.

But ultimately those reasons are secondary. Since your ex wants to cut off all contact, that’s a boundary you should respect.

In this post, I’ll explain why it’s so important to do this and what your other options are.

Should You Reach Out To Your Ex If They Blocked You?

No, you should NOT reach out to your ex if they blocked you.

And if you’re thinking about trying to reach them on a different channel where they haven’t blocked you yet, definitely DON’T do that either!

Even more so if they’ve already blocked you on everything.

You might be thinking, if they only gave you a chance to explain, you could:

  • Tell them how much you love them
  • Apologize and tell them you’ve changed
  • Write them a love letter
  • Show them that things can be different this time, etc

Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I’ve worked with hundreds of clients who made similar mistakes and can tell you it’s too late for your explanations and pleading…

Not just that, if you did in fact tell them all of those things, (genuine as they may be) your ex would only reject you MORE.

Why?

Because they are all about what YOU want and need and not about what THEY want and need.

Your ex is clearly communicating that they don’t want to have contact with you, so reaching out is you ignoring what they want and need.

Time will tell whether your ex’s decision is permanent or temporary.

But for now, you should accept and respect their decision to block you.

Because if you reach out now, you’re only going to ruin your chances even further!

Think about it, if your ex has resorted to blocking you, then chances are they were already unhappy about your relationship.

Maybe they were telling you they needed space or didn’t want to talk, but you didn’t hear them then.

So they resorted to blocking you.

And if you now choose to try to cross this line, you’re only going to confirm their suspicions about you and conclude that they made the right choice with the breakup.

So don’t ruin any potential chances you might still have left!

What Does It Mean If My Ex Blocks Me?

If your ex blocks you, it could mean any of the following:

1. They Were Upset About How You Were Talking To Them

When you break up, things can get messy. The lines are blurred and emotions run high on both sides. So sometimes we say and do things that we later regret, but it’s too late to take them back.

And if your ex was upset about something you did or said, they may have decided to block you because it was the last straw for them.

2. They Didn’t Feel Like You Respected Their Boundaries

When your ex repeatedly tells you or conveys that what you’re doing is something they don’t want, but you do it anyway. Then they might choose to block you as a last resort.

Again, what’s important here is to now RESPECT that boundary and show them that you understand what they’re asking for.

And if you have a history of them complaining about this with you, then all the more reason to not give them further evidence that they’re right.

You want to show them that things can be different by NOT crossing their boundaries.

3. Your Ex Is Doing ‘ The No Contact Rule’

The No Contact Rule can be used for two things:

1. To truly get over someone and move on

If your ex wants to have nothing to do with you anymore and is absolutely clear on wanting to move on, they might try the no contact rule. This means they block you on everything and don’t ever unblock you.

2. To try to get you back

This only applies if you were the one who initially decided to break up. Then they might be tying to reverse the power dynamic by rejecting you instead. This is in the hopes that after a long period of them withdrawing and being unavailable, you’ll desperately want them again.

4. They Are Trying To Move On

Whether they are doing No Contact or not, an ex who blocks you might simply be trying to move on!

For someone to take such a radical step, they must have been feeling that things weren’t working for them for a while.

After a lot of thought and reflecting, your ex will have made up their mind that they no longer want you in their lives and closed all doors of possible communication.

What You Should Do About It

Which brings us to what you can or should do about your ex blocking you everywhere.

Primarily, it’s critical that your focus remains on finally respecting your ex’s boundaries.

Yes, you will hear me repeat this, because I know how hard it can be to follow this advice when you’re in-love with your ex!

You likely want nothing more than one last chance to undo all the mistakes.

But if you’re reading this post, you’re unfortunately way past that point.

Your best chances are to follow this advice:

Respect Their Boundary To Demonstrate You Care

Don’t just do it for an effect, do it because you genuinely care about how they feel!

You love your ex right? You want them to be happy and feel safe?

Then take their hint and respect their boundary of blocking you.

In doing so, you’ll be SHOWING them that you do care about their wishes. Rather than ignoring and overriding them again.

Accept That Your Ex Might Never Change Their Mind

Depending on how bad things were in your relationship and how messy the breakup was, your ex might be set on moving on.

And that’s a reality you simply have to come to terms with.

Things weren’t working in the relationship for a while, your ex made a decision, you broke up, and they might want to never look back.

It’s out of your control and the more you try to fight them on it, the more they will reject you.

I tell my coaching clients that they shouldn’t let their ex put them through that kind of repeated rejection, either! It’s not healthy!

So relate to your ex as a closed chapter in your life and focus on how to get through it.

Grieve And Reflect On What Went Wrong In Your Relationship

You’ll sob, you’ll cry and maybe want to hide under your blankets for a week.

You’ll likely still feel connected to your ex, but give yourself time to grieve and be upset, it’s perfectly natural.

And you can then also slowly reflect on what went wrong in your relationship.

Don’t do it to get them back, do it for YOURSELF! We carry our emotional baggage with us no matter whom we’re with.

The work you put in today will pay off for all relationships in your life.

So figuring things out a little can help you go a long way in not repeating mistakes in the future.

Try To Make Positives Changes For Yourself

Spend time with friends, reconnect with the things that brought meaning to your life, talk to someone you can trust.

Do what it takes to process your breakup, learn from it, and apply the lessons positively in your life.

And remember, as hard as it is, you’ll get through this!

I know it might not seem that way at this moment, but you’ll survive and rebuild.

You just need to use the time to heal and nurture yourself.

Prepare For A Potential Scenario Of Your Ex Unblocking You Or Reaching Out To You

Everything we discussed above will get you ready for this potential scenario, which happens after the breakup hits the dumper.

IF your ex does change their mind and unblocks you or even reaches out, it’s absolutely essential that you’re super-duper prepared for it!

Because IF this happens, your ex will still be very unsure about whether having contact with you again is a good idea to begin with.

Why?

They’re terrified by the idea that unblocking you is a BIG mistake because you’re both instantly going to fall into the familiar negative patterns.

And they’re afraid that you’ll then make the conversation about yourself and how much you love them and that everything has changed, and you want them back if they only gave you one last chance.

No, no and no. You will mess up your chance so fast and hard, it’ll be over in a heartbeat, and you’ll wonder what went wrong.

You need to make this conversation about THEM! About what they need, they want, what their hesitations or objections are. Only then are you maximizing your chances of winning them over.

This critical moment is exactly what we prepare our clients for in our Coaching Calls.

SimplyTogether Coaching CallsHere I’ll listen to your relationship story and where things went wrong. Based on that, we’ll then talk about the tests your ex would put you through if they reach out to you and how to pass them.

You can also benefit from just talking about your breakup to better understand and process it.

Click here to check out Coaching Calls.

Despite the difficult topics, I hope you found some clarity on what you can do to ease your pain.

You can also read my other post: Do Exes Come Back? – An Honest Answer for more answers.

Also, let me know what your situation is with your ex in the comments section, so I can help out.

Best,

Gabriel

Male Psychology of the No Contact Rule Isn’t What You Think – Here Is Why

Male Psychology of the No Contact Rule Isn’t What You Think – Here Is Why

Photo by Ivan Samkov

If you’re looking to understand the male psychology of the no contact rule, chances are you’ve been applying it for a while and are wondering if it’s working or not.

You probably expected your ex to write to you already and might now be wondering: What is he thinking? Why hasn’t he reached out? Does he even miss me?!

The no contact rule is the most prevalent way of how people try to get their ex back. But the biggest problem with it is that it’s so popular not because of its effectiveness, but because it’s what a lot of people feel like doing after a breakup.

Rejection hurts. There is no way around it. So it’s only natural for you to hope that giving your ex a taste of his own medicine will bring him to his senses.

Unfortunately, 9 out of 10 times, this attitude only does more damage than good.

Yes, there are cases, where no contact does have the desired effect. I will talk about them later in this post. But for the most part, it doesn’t work the way you want it to.

As a man who initiated multiple breakups, I will explain the real male psychology of the no contact rule based on my own experiences, as well as that of countless coaching clients, whom I helped get their ex back.

Male Psychology During No Contact Rule – Your Expectations

When women start the no contact rule, they generally hope that their ex will go through a transition. That he will process his own emotions and come to conclude he made a mistake.

The consensus on the internet supports this, too. Most experts will tell you that the male psychology of the no contact rule looks somewhat like this:

1. He is happy with his newfound freedom

2. After a while he notices your absence and start missing you

3. He feels abandoned and is angry at you

4. He might also feel sad or confused at why you’re not contacting him

5. He realizes he made a mistake

6. He wants you back

This emotional journey is what you expect your ex to go through after breaking off contact with him.

I hate to break it to you, but most men will get stuck at:

3. He feels abandoned and is angry at you

Or at

4. He might also feel sad or confused at why you’re not contacting him

and never get past it…

Male Psychology During No Contact Rule – The Sad Reality

You see, us men, we are not the best at processing our emotions.

Not to say that women are better at this, because they’re not. We all get stuck, start holding grudges and eventually just give up.

The sad reality of the no contact rule is that for men, their emotional journey actually looks like this:

1. He is happy with his newfound freedom

2. After a while he notices your absence and start missing you

3. He feels abandoned and is angry at you

4. He might also feel sad or confused at why you’re not contacting him

5. He keeps on waiting for you to fix things

6. But eventually he gives up and moves on

For the most part, the no contact rule is like a Mexican standoff.

You’re both rejecting the other, hoping that it will motivate them to back down and do what YOU want.

But us men, we are fighters.

What’s more, we’re used to having more control and power when it comes to commitment. After all, it’s often still considered a man’s job to make the first move, initiate sex or even propose.

So when a woman tries to prove to us that don’t have control over any of those things, we will fight that notion with all we’ve got.

And sadly, denial is our most powerful weapon.

What Does a Man Think and Feel During No Contact

You see, men are used to getting things their way. Especially when it comes to matters related to commitment. This is why we often vehemently deny a reality that might not suit our own narrative.

What a man thinks and feels during no contact will heavily depend on his reasons for wanting to break up.

Still, he will mostly remain stuck in his own confirmation bias and will look for ways to view your silence as reassurance for himself: that his decision to break up was 100% right and justified.

I know, understanding this side of male psychology is disappointing. Men can be very stubborn and remain so, no matter what.

For example, if your ex wanted to split up because he didn’t believe you were good enough of a match, he wasn’t in love, didn’t think you were soulmates etc.

Then he will take you not contacting him as a confirmation for all of his doubts and fears.

He will feel rejected and resentful and think to himself:

“I was right to end things, clearly she never really loved me. If she did care about me, she would have never abandoned me this way. I’m better off on my own.”

Even if he secretly wants you back, he will likely only continue waiting, hoping that you will finally do something to prove him wrong.

Similarly, if your ex broke up because he was unhappy in the relationship and things weren’t working for him, he will take your rejection as further proof that you don’t care about his well-being and needs.

I know that it might seem unfair that he should be the one resenting you for abandoning him. After all, he is likely the one who decided to break up in the first place!

The reason for this is: when somebody says they want to break up, they mostly never actually mean it.

They might be in denial of what his decision entails and think of it more as a break rather than a real breakup. The sign of this is when your ex keeps on relating to you as though nothing has changed.

Also, men often break up as a last resort to finally get you to take them seriously and come their way.

Much like you might feel like cutting him off will make him miss you.

The same way, he might be breaking up with you just to get you to back down and give him what HE wants.

Does No Contact Rule Ever Work on Men

In most cases, male psychology of the no contact rule will disappoint your expectations. Especially in the long term. But there are a few exceptions.

There are cases where the no contact rule can actually work wonders.

No Contact Rule Works Really Well in the Short Term

Like when you stop reaching out to your ex for a few days shortly after a fight or a breakup. Giving a guy 5-7 days of space is that sweet spot that can make him miss you without triggering his defensive walls of resentment and denial.

It might give him an impulse to start sending you subtle signs, at which point you will need to help him along, cooperate and try to fix things.

In this regard, male psychology is not that different from female psychology.

We need encouragement to feel motivated and keep pursuing something or someone.

And we also need help and support to be able to overcome our own limitations.

You Have To Do No Contact if He Demands It

Another case in which no contact is not only beneficial but even necessary is when your ex made it clear that he wants you to stay away from him.

He might have repeatedly asked for space or even blocked you.

When this happens, there is no way around it, you have to do what he demands for as long as he needs you to do it.

This is where 30 days of or more no contact can be the only remedy to save your relationship.

How to Get a Man to Change His Mind About a Breakup

To answer this question, I want to share a story of one of our clients. Her boyfriend broke up with her because, according to him, she didn’t respect his boundaries and was too needy.

Initially his rejection only triggered her more and led to her over texting, calling etc. To which, he blocked her and told her he wants nothing to do with her anymore.

When she came to us, she was distraught and in disbelief that he could end things this way.

We helped her calm down and find the strength to do what he asked of her.

She didn’t contact him for three weeks until he reached out, but only to demand that she comes to pick up her things from his place.

He didn’t even want to see her. He put her stuff out in boxes and left it on his porch for her to collect.

Obviously, this was an extremely difficult situation for her, but she could sense that he is stubborn and there is no room for anything else. So she did exactly what he asked her to do.

She came, got her boxes and drove away without as much as one goodbye text.

He called her that evening and opened up to her about his feelings. He confessed he does miss her, but is unsure if he can trust her. From this point onwards, they stayed in touch.

She gradually convinced him that she understands what HE wants and needs.

Two weeks after picking up her boxes, she was already staying over at his place again. And a week later they were officially back together.

The moral of this story is: in order to get a man to change his mind about a breakup, you need to come his way and do what he wants, at least to some degree.

So if he blocked you or asked for space, give it to him. But if he didn’t, don’t.

Male psychology being the way it is, makes it impossible for you to change his mind just by not speaking to him.

What to Do Instead of the No Contact Rule

Now that you know that the no contact rule might not be the best approach for your case, you might be wondering what else to do. Hundreds of coaching calls where my wife and I were supporting others in getting their ex back, helped us develop an alternative approach.

It’s based on the principles that worked for us (we also broke up and got back together) and for our clients.

We called this method: The Limited Contact Rule.

The point of it is to stay in touch, but remain guarded and little distant. And then gradually warm up your ex by winning his trust.

This way, you won’t trigger his defensive mechanisms. But you can also protect yourself from him taking you for granted and making you chase him.

If you want to learn how to apply the limited contact rule, I can explain it to you in detail in a coaching call.

Here I’ll listen to your story, take your side and build you up so that you’re more self-assured and can come off as strong and cool when talking to your ex.

I’ll also give you tips on what to say to him, to get him to stop being so stubborn and want you again.

Click here to check out Ex Back Coaching.

If after reading all this you’re still unsure if the no contact rule is the right thing to do for your case, my wife’s post can help you with this:

5 Signs the No Contact Rule Is Working and It’s Time to Make a Move

Thank you for reading! If you have any doubts or questions regarding male psychology of the no contact rule, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.

Gabriel