So you’ve been through a heart-breaking journey of a breakup with him and might have even come to finally accept that it’s truly over…
… Only for him to come BACK to you after his rebound relationships didn’t work out.
Talk about him adding insult to injury.
You likely have questions and mixed feelings about it all:
“Why did he come back after the rebound relationships?”
“Should I even take him back just because he changed his mind?”
“How do I know he won’t do it again?”
“Should I talk to him about his rebound?”
Some of you might also be wondering about the psychology of a rebound and what it all means to him.
And in today’s post I’m going to answer these questions, help you address your doubts and find the clarity you need to make a clear decision.
Let’s first talk about the elephant in the room…
Can A Man Fall In Love With A Rebound Relationship?
Yes, a man can fall in love with a rebound relationship.
He may have moved on very fast after your breakup, but what’s important to keep in mind here is that it takes TIME to develop earnest feelings in a relationship!
So if his rebound lasted all of a couple of weeks, it’s really nothing you need to worry about.
He may be infatuated, but definitely is not in love.
And if it was months, she’s still got nothing on you because chances are your relationship with him was longer.
Again, time counts for A LOT, because you’ve bonded, have shared memories and KNOW each other well.
There are few things that are more attractive than the familiarity of someone knowing and getting you…
So if him falling in love with his rebound is a concern to you, my advice is, don’t worry about it too much and focus on rebuilding things with him. Because that’s what will actually count in the long run.
Why Exes Come Back After A Failed Relationship
Exes come back after a failed relationship because the rebound (often no longer than a few weeks or months) didn’t work out the way they’d imagined.
You see, when a guy wants to break up, he believes that the grass is greener on the other side.
He likely thinks that the problems you’ve faced in your relationship, that escalated to the breakup, are – for the most part – of your making.
His solution?
Break up and go find someone who doesn’t make things difficult.
But you and I both know that things aren’t quite so simple in relationships. Everybody brings their own emotional baggage to the table.
Moving on to a new relationship does NOT make his issues magically evaporate!
Quite the contrary.
He obviously takes them with him into his rebound relationship that’s about to go wrong. And within a few weeks or months, he’s shocked to discover very similar conflicts arising in his new relationship.
Which bursts his bubble as he realizes that leaving you did not miraculously solve all his relationship problems.
He took his issues into the rebound relationship because he hasn’t resolved them!
Your ex likely came to conclude that he’s actually happier with you, because (problems aside) you have a history of connection and memories that are precious to him.
Building a relationship from scratch is a lot of work and takes time, so he might have come to realize that if he’s going to be confronted with his own issues in every relationship….
… Then he’s better off coming back to you and continuing investing in your relationship.
So exes come back after a failed relationship because they get a reality check when they are confronted with their exact same issues with a rebound.
Should You Take Him Back After He Changed His Mind?
And when you know he only came back because it didn’t work out with this other woman, it hurts and because he left you on the hook and only came back when it suited him.
But the truth is life is a mess and so are relationships!
We all say and do stupid, hurtful and short-sighted things at times. Because we simply don’t know better. We haven’t learned these lessons yet.
Breakups are never straightforward, easy or fair, and that’s unfortunately just what it is.
But when you feel ready, the helpful question you need to be asking yourself is:
“Is he worth it to me?”
Are you willing to look past his hurtful behavior and potentially try again with him?
The answer to this will entirely depend on the particular circumstances of your breakup and what you want.
It might be, “No, he’s NOT worth it to me”. It might be, “Yes, I love him and want to try again.”
Or you might change your mind every other minute, and that’s OKAY too!
Whatever you decide, just know that his decision to break up has a lot to do with him and his own personal problems.
And if you are leaning towards taking him back, understand that it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you.
It just is what it is, he made a decision, and now it’s your turn to make one.
How Do I Know He Won’t Break Up Again?
The fact is, you can’t know for sure.
BUT, it’s something you can have a lot of influence over!
50% of couples that break up get back together. But most of them just get back together in the hopes that the reunion itself will be enough to fix things.
Some make a modest effort and put in a few weeks of trying to change their ways, while others who don’t want to take any chances get expert help from a relationship coach.
Regardless of what path it is you choose for yourself…
What’s crucial is that you both make a consistent effort to address the underlying problems in your relationship that initially lead to the breakup.
Because otherwise you are inevitably bound to repeat the same painful experience again.
So think of your relationship as a plant that needs consistent nurturing to grow and stay strong!
Not something you rescue at the eleventh hour.
This is the absolute BEST way to ensure neither you nor him will want to break up again.
Should I Talk To Him About His Rebound?
That’s a good question. Because this whole situation has likely got you caught up with a lot of feelings of jealousy, hurt and brought up insecurities in you.
And while talking about his rebound might seem like an important discussion to have, you might also fear that it will make you feel even worse with spiraling thoughts and doubts:
“Who was she?”
“Was she better?”
“Did she give him what I couldn’t?”
When your ex has a rebound relationship, we tend to paint out an extremely unrealistic picture of some perfect entity whom they were (briefly) with.
Which leads to skewed comparisons, crippling anxiety and letting our insecurities get the better of us.
So, the point I want to make here is that this person that you imagine in your head does NOT exist!
They are human just like you are, with strengths and weaknesses, confidence in some areas and INSECURITIES in others.
But more importantly! You don’t even have to talk to him about his rebound!
Because you know what? She DOESN’T matter.
After all, he came back to you, didn’t he? So how great could she have really been?
What DOES MATTER is your relationship with him and what you both want to build for the future together.
So you can spare yourself unnecessary additional heartache and just not talk to him about his rebound.
And if it’s something you just let go of, you can always get back to it when you’re both in a stronger place!
Why Do Toxic Exes Keep Coming Back?
For those of you who know their ex is toxic and are leaning towards not taking him back, you might still be wondering why he keeps coming back.
Toxic exes are often driven by a need to control and dominate you.
They are not interested in genuinely connecting and building a healthy relationship together. They are TOO SCARED to do that.
All they know is to manipulate, control and be conveniently devoid of the desire to change themselves.
Which brings us to why they keep coming back.
When they sense that they’re losing that control over you and that you’re operating independently without them….
Your long-lost toxic ex is suddenly texting you again, reaching out and wanting to meet.
Confusing, no?
All you need to do, though, is see through his lies or attempts at manipulation and realize that you’re dealing with a terribly afraid little boy who doesn’t believe he’s loveable!
So he resorts to endless toxic tactics to scrape together the crumbs of love he thinks he deserves.
And if you know you’re done with them and need to finalize this chapter in your life, consider writing them a powerful closure letter for yourself that will impact them.
Conclusion
Rebound relationships are fairly common after a breakup, people do it all the time and yes there’s no denying, it’s a hurtful experience.
By now, you’re hopefully in a better position to decide whether your ex is someone you want to try with again.
And if you do, remember it’s vital to proactively address the problems that will likely lead to another breakup.
In order to help women that are in your situation, we create an online course: Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here, you will learn exactly what you need to do to avoid the common pitfalls people fall into when they get back together with their ex after a rebound relationship.
We’ll teach you the empowering mindset you need to make sure you can secure your happy ever after.
You sent him a text a few hours, days -or even a week ago, and he still hasn’t texted you back?
You know he got your text because you’ve seen him online, or got a ‘delivered’ confirmation, or he may have even straight up left you on ‘read’.
Which understandably has you asking what to do when he doesn’t text you back?
Hi, I’m Gabriel, and I’m going to help you with your dilemma. In today’s post, I’ll talk about what you should (and should not) do to get him to text you back.
Topics include:
Common reasons why men don’t text you back
Should you text again if there’s no reply
What to do when he doesn’t text you back
What if he doesn’t text back at all?
Enough introduction, let’s relieve some of your concerns!
5 Most Common Reasons Why Guys Do Not Text You Back
First and foremost, it’s crucial that we talk about WHY he might not be texting back. Because if you don’t take these points into account, you’re going in blind and risk screwing up your chances.
So let’s quickly go over the reasons why he might not be texting you back.
1. He’s Genuinely Busy
Out of the following six reasons, this is admittedly a less common scenario, because in most instances, he should have a moment to send you a short text to let you know everything’s okay.
But it may be that he’s having a genuinely busy day that’s preoccupying his ENTIRE attention.
Whether it’s a demanding boss drowning him in paperwork, family drama that he needs to sort out, or something else entirely.
2. He Didn’t Think Your Text Required A Response
If you sent him a text that he might interpret as something not requiring an answer, he might just leave you on ‘read.’
When he doesn’t see a clear question or intention behind a text, he might let the conversation run dry or leave you hanging awkwardly.
Possibly not even thinking much of it, he shrugs his shoulders, and simply goes about his day.
Totally oblivious, that you were hoping for him to text you back.
3. He’s Annoyed About Something That Happened
Something might have gone down between the two of you, and he’s annoyed or even angry about it.
His answer to the problem? — Throw a tantrum and not text you back.
Whatever big or small incident may have transpired between you two, it’ll be important to eventually clear the air once he gives you a chance.
4. He Wants Space
Him not texting you back can also be his indirect way of telling you that he just wants space.
As to why he wants space, that could be for multiple reasons, including the previous point (him being annoyed or hurt about something).
Now, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but it needs to be said:
Sometimes a guy might not message you back because your feelings are unfortunately one-sided.
To you, it may have been absolutely AMAZING, and you’re head over heels and missed the signs that he isn’t into you.
But I hope to be wrong on this one!
Should I Text Again If There Is No Reply?
9 out of 10 times, you should NOT text again if there is no reply. At least not immediately!
Why?
Because you’ll be ruining your chances or potentially hurting yourself, REGARDLESS of which scenario he fits into:
1. He’s Genuinely Busy
If you text him again, he’ll see all your messages once he gets the chance to catch a breath and might think you are needy or controlling, which won’t help your chances.
2. He Doesn’t Think Your Text Required A Response
Best case scenario, you manage to clarify that you actually were hoping for a response, and he happily obliges. But it’s likelier that he’ll think you’re being pushy if you text again too soon.
3. He’s Annoyed About Something That Happened or 4. He Wants Space
In these scenarios, he’ll become MORE agitated with you if you text him again because he’s sulking and needs some time.
5. He’s A Player -And You Shouldn’t Trust Him
You’d be heading down a dead end street and wasting your energy. Time to cut him loose and finally find the right guy.
6. He’s Not Interested
If you know this is the case, then texting him again would be a wild goose chase and potentially mean further hurt for you. Maybe save yourself the trouble and come to terms with it being a one-sided love…
So for these reasons (and more that we won’t cover today) it’s best to WAIT for two to three days before texting him again.
If you do, he’ll think of you as laid back and appreciate you giving him the time he needed to come around again.
As you can see, pausing and giving him some space is often what you should do when he isn’t texting you back, instead of texting again.
Is No Response A Rejection?
No response is a response, but it does not necessarily mean rejection. Rather, it entirely depends on your particular circumstances.
If he falls into any of the first 4 categories we covered:
He’s genuinely busy
He doesn’t think your text required a response
He’s annoyed about something that happened
He wants space
— Then him not responding DOES NOT automatically equal rejection. You’ll likely get a chance to clarify things and reconnect.
Now with all of that out of the way, let’s finally discuss…
What To Do When He Doesn’t Text You Back – 7 Steps
1. Don’t Panic, Stay Cool
Is your mind racing with all sorts of unpleasant or even horrible scenarios to explain him not texting you back?
‘What if he changed his mind and doesn’t like me?’
‘Did he already meet some other girl?’
‘Was he actually a player?’
‘What if he got hit by a car??’
If so, I recommend putting your phone aside for a moment. Take a deep couple of breaths and relax…
Chances of anything dramatic having happened are statistically slim, and everything is going to be OKAY.
2. Definitely Don’t Spam Him
You might be tempted to grab your phone and repeatedly text or call him, or like his posts on social media to finally invoke a response from him.
If this is you, definitely DO NOT do it.
Remaining calm is vital in a moment like this, because if you go off the rails now, you might just scare him off for good.
Don’t ruin your chances.
3. Do Not Text Him Again Right Away
In addition, you certainly don’t want to text him hours (let alone minutes) after your prior text.
Now is the time to play the waiting game…
And waiting means 2–3 days before you text him again. Yes, 2 whole days at least!
Why?
Because you need to SHOW him that you’re not desperate. Nothing will scare a man off faster than desperation.
4. Shift Your Focus To Something Unrelated
We’ve talked about what not to do so far. Now the first thing you should do when he isn’t texting you back is to shift your focus to something engaging that is ENTIRELY unrelated to him.
This will help you get through those couple of days.
It can be work, hobbies, friends, family, etc. Dedicate your full attention to people or an activity that captivates you.
It goes without saying that if he texts you prior to the 2–3 days being complete, it’s okay to respond.
BUT.
Give it at least half a day before you get back to him. (Unless you’re on thin ice with him and things are critical, then respond sooner)
Because he needs to realize you’re not at his beck and call. Let him feel that you have other things going on, that you have a life and interests of your own.
6. Text Him Again With A Clear Intention
Now, if a couple of days have passed, and you haven’t heard from him at all, then you can try texting him again.
Don’t type something in a rush, hit ‘send’ and hope or even regret it a moment later!
Take your time to figure out exactly what you want to achieve, have a clear intention in mind to help steer your message in the right direction. Examples might be:
Find out where he’s at
Make him want you
Go on another date
7. Ask Him A Question He’ll Want To Answer
With your intention in mind, ask him a question you know he’ll enjoy answering.
For example, you can follow up on that event he mentioned or ask him how his stressful job is going.
Think of a question that you know he is likely to want to answer because he doesn’t mind it, or better yet WANTS to answer!
The key here is to NOT ask any questions that are about yourself and what you want. Make sure they’re about him (at least initially). This will give you the best chances of him texting you back.
…Which can lead to small talk, further questions, a friendly exchange and finally another date.
Either way, it’s out of your control at this point.
Some of you still might not want to let go, and you can try again in another 2 weeks, but chances are very slim that he’ll text you back at this point.
I know it’s easier said than done, but I’d recommend you try dating other men for now and if you do hear back from him eventually, you can always give it another shot.
The reason I don’t recommend endlessly chasing without at least seeing other guys is that it won’t do your self-worth any good.
Now, I know this is not everyone, but if you struggle with this, you might find it helpful to read my other post: 10 Ways to Stop Obsessing Over Someone.
Everybody misses their ex after a breakup. After all, you were together because you had feelings for each other. This kind of connection doesn’t just fade from one day onto the next.
But if you have this urge to tell your ex that you miss him or her, then there is likely more to it than just how you feel.
You’re probably craving reassurance that he or she misses you too!
After all, this is how things worked when you were still together. You telling them how you felt always resulted in some sort of response. Even if it was a simple “-I miss you”, “I miss you too!” exchange.
It’s perfectly ok to need reassurance from an ex.
What’s more, you can actually get it. But you have to approach him or her differently than you did when you were still together.
In this blog post, I’ll explain why this is such a tricky topic. I’ll cover when it’s a good idea to tell your ex you miss them, when not to do it and what to say instead, so that you can bring your ex closer and get some comfort and peace of mind.
Should I Tell My Ex I Miss Him Or Her?
When it comes to telling your ex you miss them, 9 out of 10 times you should definitely NOT do it. Even if you still feel connected to them and believe they feel the same way you do.
Regardless of where your ex is truly at, in most cases, saying “I miss you” to him or her will only get you rejected or push your ex further away.
There are a few exceptions to this rule, though:
You Can Tell Your Ex You Miss Them If You’re The Dumper
The one and only case when it is safe to tell your ex you miss them, and when it will actually have the desired effect, is when you’ve been the one who broke up with them.
If this is the case, then your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend are still likely hurt by your decision to leave.
You telling your ex that you miss them is a bit like taking your rejection back. It’s hinting that you didn’t truly mean to break things off and are having second thoughts.
It will soothe their pain and make them feel better.
Even if they don’t say it back right away, it will open them up more.
So if you’re the dumper, you’re in a good position. No need to overthink it, just go for it!
It’s Ok To Tell Your Ex You Miss Him Or Her If Your Breakup Was Mutual
Similarly to the previous case, if your breakup was mutual, it’s also ok to tell your ex that you miss them.
Your chances of getting a positive response are a bit lower here than if you were the dumper, however it can still work as expected.
Some couples break up not because they stopped loving each other, but because they see no other way out of their relationship problems. Maybe you couldn’t talk without arguing anymore. Or there was some other big issue that drove you two apart.
If this is the case for you, then saying “I miss you” to your ex can be a sign that you’re ready to lower your guard and come their way.
But you have to be truly coming from this place, to get a positive response.
You Should Never Tell Your Ex You Miss Them If He Or She Broke Up With You
This is a mistake most of our coaching clients make: you should never say “I miss you” to an ex who broke up with you.
There are a few reasons for this:
Firstly, it will make your ex feel pressured to feel the same way you do. They’ll take it as you trying to guilt-trip them into changing their mind about the breakup.
Secondly, they might feel like you’re relating to them as though you guys were still together. Given that they explicitly said they don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, you telling them you miss them might come across as you overriding their boundaries.
Thirdly, you should never tell a dumper that you miss them because they anyway already know that you feel this way.
People who break up feel secure and in control of the situation. They believe they can reverse it anytime, if they were to change their mind.
By saying “I miss you” to an ex who dumped you, you’re feeding their false sense of safety and prolonging the time until they can start missing you too.
What To Do When You Miss Your Ex
So what should you do if you’ve been dumped, but you desperately need the reassurance that your ex still cares about you and misses you, at least a bit?
The good news is, there are ways of how you can get through to them, I’ll cover them in a moment. But first, I want to outline a very important principle that makes all the difference in relating to an ex partner after a breakup:
Needing things from an ex pushes them further away, while giving them things they want brings them closer.
Saying “I miss you” to an ex you broke up with is GIVING them comfort. That’s why it has a positive effect!
At the same time, telling a dumper that you miss them is you NEEDING them to comfort you. Because of this, it only pushes them further away.
It’s a subtle difference, but it’s an important one! Most of our coaching clients tell us that they already made this mistake.
They were so hurt and in disbelief of the breakup, that they don’t realize they were coming from a place of neediness. They tried time and time again and only got burned!
4 Ways To Tell Your Ex You Miss Them Without Actually Saying “I Miss You”
Here is how to tell an ex who dumped you that you miss them in a way that will be you offering to give them something they want.
Most of these things are perfectly safe when done in moderation.
There is a very low chance of you sabotaging anything or pushing your ex further away, if you stick with these approaches.
1. Like One Or More Of Their Social Media Posts
Everybody loves getting attention and validation. You liking your ex’s posts is you offering these things to them. Your ex will know you’re thinking about them and missing them.
They’ll appreciate the gesture, especially if they’re posting things explicitly to get your attention or to get you to snap out of the no contact rule…
2. Ask Them How They’re Doing
Another safe way to let your ex know that you miss them it to simply check in with them. Ask them how they’re doing and if you know they’ve been stressed or struggling with something, inquire about that thing.
This way, you can give them your attention and interest without needing anything.
A simple act of kindness like this will signal to your ex that you’re thinking about them and that you care about their well-being.
If your ex complained about certain things about you, these are the things that are likely standing in the way of him or her missing you at the moment.
This is why another safe way to let them know that you miss them is to apologize for something that they complained about. Maybe they said you were too controlling or anxious. Or that you were needing too much from them.
These are just some common example but, when it comes to this one, you have to take responsibility and respond EXACTLY to the thing your ex said.
Apologizing for things you only think they’re hurt about, or about things they didn’t actually mention, will only make your ex feel more disconnected and distant.
The fourth way of how you can tell your ex “I miss you” without sabotaging your chances and pushing them further away is to offer them something.
For example, if your ex is still paying for your gym membership, phone bill etc., you can offer to switch things over to your credit card.
Or if you share streaming subscriptions or Spotify, you can ask if he or she is still comfortable covering this and if they want you to quit.
This is how you can show your ex you’re thinking about their needs and taking the breakup seriously. Which in turn might get them in touch with how they feel about you and give them room to miss you.
It’s unlikely that they’ll want you to quit any of the services, and this is how you can know they’re still attached to you…
How To Get Your Ex To Miss You Too
Now that you know the dangers of telling your ex you miss them and what to say and do instead, I want to address another important issue so many of you guys have said you struggle with.
You likely wish that your ex misses you too and have a hard time comprehending that they don’t.
The reason your ex might not miss you is twofold:
On one hand, it’s the result of their false sense of safety:
The dumper always believes they can reverse the breakup any time they want. So why should they miss you, if you’re anyway within their reach.
On the other hand, they also might be angry or disappointed about certain things you said, or things you did or didn’t do.
These grudges act like a barrier that prevents your ex from remembering and feeling all the good things about you and your relationship.
In order to get your ex to admit that they miss you, you need to address both of the above-mentioned issues.
You have to let your ex experience losing you, at least a little. But you also have to address the grudges that are currently keeping them at bay.
If you need help making this happen, I can support you through it in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you figure out how to approach your ex in a way that will work both for you and them.
I’ll give you tips on what to say and do, to get them in touch with their feelings for you and to admit that they miss you, too.
If you’re wondering whether you should get back with an ex or not, then chances are you still have feelings for them.
However, there are clearly things about them or about the breakup that give you pause and make you question if it’s a good idea to give them another chance.
Will letting them in only get you burned all over again? Or can things be different this time round?
Both of these scenarios actually happened to me.
My ex broke up with me, we got back together, but only for him to leave again. This happened TWICE.
However, the third time we broke up, we actually managed to figure things out for good. We got back together and are now happily married and run this blog, where we help others get through the same hurdles we were once struggling with.
In this blog post, I’ll try to cover everything you need to know to be able to decide whether you should take your ex back or not.
I’ll talk about all the good things as well as, disadvantages of getting back together and the red flags to look out for.
So let’s have an honest talk about it, to help paint a realistic picture of your situation and so you know what to expect. These are the 5 things you need to know before taking your ex back:
I. It’s Normal To Get Back Together With An Ex
Yes, it is normal to get back together with an ex.
Just because the two of you broke up, it doesn’t mean that your feelings for each other are gone, this in turn makes you feel connected to them.
That’s why you might end up wanting your ex back.
Plus, when people say they want to break up, they often don’t actually mean it. We all get attached to our partners and have a really hard time letting go.
Getting back together with an ex is not just normal, it’s also extremely common.
Statistically speaking, 70% of straight couples break up in the first year of their relationship. On top of that, a 2013 study found that almost 50% of couples who break up, end up getting back together.
Applying some simple math help you understand just how common, connecting and reconciling with an ex actually is:
If 70% percent of couples break up and 50% of them end up getting back together, this means that 35% of ALL COUPLES will break up and get back together just within the first year of their relationship!
This means approximately one in three people gets back with their ex just in the first year of being together!
II. Getting Back With An Ex Can Work
Makes sense that you wonder if reconnecting with an ex is a good idea or not.
After all, they likely hurt you, letting them back in means giving them another chance and risking getting hurt again.
When it came to my own breakups, initially getting back together didn’t work for us. But eventually, we figured out our problems and built a happy and stable relationship.
The same is true for our coaching clients, some of which get back together with an ex only to break up again a few months down the line. While others stay together and are good.
Getting back with an ex will never work, when you’re just jumping back into the honeymoon phase without actually fixing anything.
This is what happened for Gabriel and me the first two times round. We were so crazy about each other, our love, and passion took over, and we hoped that that would have been enough.
Spoiler alert, it wasn’t.
Having a healthy and happy relationship takes work and effort.
Getting back with an ex will only work if you manage to solve the problem that made you break up in the first place.
For example, if your ex’s commitment issues drove them away, you need to work on that to prevent them from leaving you again.
Alternatively, if one of you was too anxious and consequently controlling, you’ll also need to work on your own attachment style and become more secure, for your relationship to be able to function in the long term.
III. It’s Ok to Take Back an Ex Who Dumped You
Friends and family will always tell you, you should never take back an ex who dumped you.
This advice works in theory, but rarely in practice. Because people tend to underestimate the strength of emotional attachments.
In reality, it’s really hard not to take back an ex who dumped you.
After all, them wanting to get back together undoes the pain of their earlier rejection. It lets you instantaneously put all that hurt back in the past and even pretend that it never happened.
That your ex didn’t actually mean what they said and never meant to leave you.
Also, some people say they want to leave, only as a last resort. It might be the only way they have left to try to make it clear that something very important isn’t working for them in the relationship.
For me personally, taking back an ex who dumped me worked really well in the end. But there are cases where it is better not to do it.
Regardless whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, below I’ll list three good reasons when you should get back with an ex and three red flags to look out for.
3 Good Reasons To Get Back With An Ex
Breaking up and getting back together is prevalent. You can actually build a happy and stable relationship afterward. The situations described down below are the ones when taking an ex back could be a good idea.
1. Your Ex Has Qualities You Really Value
It’s not easy to find someone you’re compatible with and whom you appreciate and click with. If your ex has qualities you really value, it could be a sign you have found true love.
If what you share feels very special, then this kind of bond is worth preserving. And could be a good reason, in itself, to get back with an ex.
2. Good Things Outweighed The Bad In Your Relationship
All couples pretend to be perfectly happy and have things figured out. But the reality of relationships is that they’re never perfect.
If you feel like, despite everything, the good things outweighed the bad in your relationship, getting back together could be a good idea for you.
3. You Really Want Them Back
What I see with a lot of our clients (this was true for Gabriel and I too) is that some exes have a very strong pull towards each other. It’s hard to resist them. Staying apart feels straight up wrong.
Sometimes, when you really want something, you do actually have a good reason for it.
Maybe your ex is good for you. Despite their struggles and imperfections, they might be exactly the type of person you want and need to be together with.
It could be a good idea to take an ex back, when you just really want them.
You can trust your gut and your intuition. Plus, if you don’t take this risk, chances are you will regret it further down the line.
4 Red Flags To Look Out For When Getting Back With An Ex
The four red flags I’ll describe below are things to look out for. If you find yourself in one of these situations, be careful. This is when taking an ex back might only get you hurt again.
1. Your Ex Was Abusive Or Cheated
Any form of abuse is not good for you. The same if true about being cheated on.
You deserve better!
Even though your ex might have apologized and said they changed, keep in mind these are two serious issues that don’t change from one day onto the next.
They say once a cheater, always a cheater. Among our coaching clients, this mostly turns out to be true. It takes some inner work and personal development for someone with those kinds of tendencies to actually change.
It happens. Cheaters can change. The same is true for abusive partners.
But they really have to see the scope of the problem and put their mind and heart into fixing it.
Keep this in mind when giving an abusive ex or a cheater a second chance.
Make sure that their apology is more than just words. It needs to be backed by some serious long-term actions, otherwise it might be better that you don’t get back together.
2. The Relationship Wasn’t Actually Working For You
Another red flag to look out for when getting back with an ex is when the relationship wasn’t working for you before the breakup.
Maybe there were some very important things you were not getting, or something about your ex was a dealbreaker.
For example, they were too controlling, didn’t listen to you, or had a double standard and unrealistic expectations.
But then the breakup happened, all the feelings came up, and now all your issues with your ex became forgotten or stopped mattering to you.
This could be a sign you should not get back with your ex, because some people break up for an effect.
They can sense that you’re unhappy about something and don’t like it. So they break up, not because they want to end things, but to regain power and control in the relationship.
They do it on purpose to make you reconsider your priorities and chase them instead.
3. Your Ex Isn’t Willing To Fix Anything On Their End
Another red flag when getting back with an ex is when they blame you for everything and don’t see any need for improvement on their end.
We all make mistakes. Maybe you really did hurt your ex without intending to do so. You might feel like their anger is justified.
But no matter what the circumstances were, there are always two sides to every story.
Even if you do carry most of the blame, your ex must have still contributed to this situation in some shape or form. Even if it was just by giving up on fixing things and breaking up too soon.
If your ex keeps on blaming you for everything and refuses to see any fault with themselves, it’s a sign it might be better not to get back together with them.
This kind of power dynamic is not realistic or healthy.
4. Your Ex Ghosted You
Last but not least, if your ex suddenly disappeared without an explanation, only to return with a somewhat plausible excuse like: “I was really stressed or depressed.”, be careful.
Dropping off the map could be their default response to any sign of trouble. Or worse yet, they’re hiding something, like serious mental health problems, addiction, cheating, etc.
Again, it can be fixed or worked on. But they have to be willing to put in the effort. Keep this in mind when taking back an ex who ghosted you.
IV. Disadvantages Of Going Back To Your Ex
When considering getting back together, it’s easy to get swept away by all the intense emotions and just jump into things. That’s what Gabriel and I did, and it’s also what led to us breaking up again and again.
This is why it’s important that you prepare yourself for what’s to come and have a realistic view of things. That’s how you can avoid further disappointments and heartbreak.
First off, don’t expect things to be different the second time around on their own.
Breakups followed by promises don’t change anything. In order to actually fix your relationship, you will have to both work on making it happen.
Secondly, you’re going to also have to work through the falling out caused by the breakup itself.
The person who decided to leave abandoned the other. They broke their trust by doing it.
Rebuilding trust after the breakup is another issue you’re going to have to fix, to be able to actually move past it and be happy together.
V. Advantages Of Going Back To Your Ex
So far, you might be feeling like taking an ex back is a terrible idea. After all, we just covered all the red flags to look out for and the disadvantages of getting back together.
However, there are plenty of good things to look forward to too!
First one of them being that it will heal your broken heart almost instantly.
There is no faster way of taking away the pain of rejection, then reversing it. Some breakups are just a misunderstanding or overreaction. Half of the time when people say they want to break up, they don’t actually mean it.
Maybe your ex didn’t actually want to leave, so taking them back is just you undoing their mistake.
The second big advantage of taking back an ex is that it gives you a chance to actually figure things out between the two of you.
Regardless whether you get back together or not, the baggage of a failed relationship will stay with you until you work through it.
Taking your ex back gives you a chance to work through your issues TOGETHER.
You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. You can have a back and forth and share responsibility for all the problems.
My husband and I couldn’t be happier that we decided to give it another shot. Getting back together worked not only for us, but for many of our coaching clients too. Some of which have been back together for a few years already and managed to build stable and happy relationships.
If you want to learn more of our breakup story, I describe it here:
If after reading all this, you still don’t know what to do, I can help you figure it out in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll evaluate your situation and tell you what are the odds of you actually getting what you want from your ex. This way, you’ll be able to know for sure what the right decision is and what to expect.
If you’re wondering whether it’s better to block or ignore an ex, chances are you’re pretty hurt.
Maybe they did something extremely out of line. Or you just had enough of the same old problems constantly repeating themselves. Perhaps it was their decision to end things that broke your heart…
Regardless of what led you to this point, I’m so sorry you’re going through this!
I know how much it hurts to be on the verge of wanting to ignore or block your ex.
My husband and I broke up three times in the first two years of our relationship. And there was a time when I needed to cut him off for a while to give myself room to heal and recover.
It didn’t really work as I intended… but more on this later.
In this blog post I’ll explain what blocking an ex does to an ex, when to do it and when it’s better to just ignore them.
I’ll also share a bit more of our story and our clients stories to really illustrate how exes react depending on the circumstances of your breakup. But before going into it, I want to clarify a couple of your guy’s questions about blocking an ex:
What You Need To Know Before Blocking An Ex
Blocking an ex might be the last time you’ll ever interact with them. But it also can give your ex that irresistible impulse to lose all sense of self-control and start chasing you.
Generally speaking, it tends to have the opposite effect than the one you intended it to have.
If you’re trying to move on, your ex will likely feel compelled to chase you.
And if you’re doing it to get them to come back to you, it might only backfire and drive them further away.
It’s a paradox. For you to understand it, we need to dive a little into the psychology of blocking an ex.
What Message Does Blocking An Ex Send
Blocking an ex sends a very clear message of rejection: that you’re very hurt and angry and don’t want anything to do with them anymore.
It tells them that you’re not available or interested in any type of interaction.
A little side note here: if your ex struggled with respecting your boundaries in the relationship, blocking them might send them into an anxious spiral.
They might initially see it as a misunderstanding, deny that you meant it, and look for alternative ways to reach you. Like contacting you in person, reaching out to your friends, etc.
Does Blocking An Ex Hurt Them
Yes, blocking an ex definitely hurts them. It’s painful to be rejected, especially by a person you cared about.
Keep in mind: any hurt and pain you’re adding to a relationship will create additional barriers when it comes to potentially getting back together.
Does Blocking Your Ex Make Them Miss You?
No, blocking an ex doesn’t make them miss you. It might make them feel like they’ve lost control over you, trigger their anxiety and make them chase you, though.
But, if you’re doing it for an effect, your ex will most likely see through you.
I’ve had countless male coaching clients roll their eyes and say things like: “She blocked, unblocked and then blocked me again. Why is she being so childish? Can’t we just figure it out like two adults?”
Also, if your ex is angry with you about something, so much so, they broke up with you because of it, blocking them will not change this, it will only make them more angry.
Should I Block My Ex Who Dumped Me
If you want to move on, blocking an ex who dumped you will ensure that you don’t hear from them.
This will speed up your recovery and make room for you to fall in love again sooner.
But if you want to get your ex back, you should not block an ex who dumped you.
Yes, ignoring your ex is a much safer bet. It doesn’t trigger nearly as many emotions as blocking does. It also leaves you more room to change your mind further down the line.
As long as your ex isn’t overriding your boundaries, in which case blocking them is the only way for you to stay safe from their constant harassment (this is how some exes end up being blocked on everything).
Will Ignoring An Ex Make Them Miss You
Yes, ignoring an ex will give them room to miss you. Especially if they were the ones who dumped you. Ignoring is much milder form of a rejection. It doesn’t hurt nearly as much.
If you’re ignoring an ex, you’re not communicating that you don’t care about them anymore. You’re simply giving them a bit of a cold shoulder.
Here is where I want to share a bit more of our own story.
Gabriel and I (we’re the couple who runs this blog together) broke up three times in the first two years of our relationship. To be more exact, he dumped me THREE times. Last time it happened, I thought to myself: third time’s the charm, I’m not doing this again.
After our third breakup, he wanted to meet up for a coffee to make sure “we parted on good terms”. I was not up for it and refused to see him for a month. I wanted to give myself time to heal and actually intended to move on.
Once I thought I was over him, we finally met for coffee, that turned into drinks, then a hookup and this is how we got back together in one afternoon/evening.
The moral of the story is: breakups are messy, they rarely work out the way you expect them too.
When you don’t know what you’re doing, your actions will likely lead to the opposite result of what you desire!
Is Ignoring Your Ex The Best Revenge?
If you’re looking for revenge on your ex, it shows you’re not over them. That’s ok.
Ignoring your ex can be a good start, but if you really want revenge, you might need to combine it with some provocative social media posts.
However, keep in mind that pushing it too hard can break your relationship for good.
Also, they might up the stakes and play the game with you. You post a photo of your date, they might post one too. This is the problem with seeking revenge, being too emotionally involved might only get you burned more.
But if you’re cold already and 100% resolved on moving on, you can safely ignore your ex and show off how well you’re doing without them to your heart’s content.
Is It Better To Block Or Ignore An Ex?
If you want to move on, blocking your ex is a better option. It will give you the distance you need to disconnect emotionally and start over.
Keep in mind, if your ex was anxious or controlling, you might need to prepare yourself for their initial resistance. They will eventually give up and leave you be, though.
But if you’re not sure what you want or want to get your ex back, ignoring them is a much safer bet.
As long as you’re not too cold and rejecting, it will leave them room to miss you, and it gives you a way to get back at them a little. You do get some revenge without risking pushing them away completely.
Breakups are messy, rejection hurts, there is no way around it.
The biggest problem with ignoring your ex in order to get them back, is that they might be doing the very same thing to you.
You might be applying the no contact rule to get them to change their mind. And they might be doing the very same thing to get you to change yours or to get their point across.
This is why ignoring your ex is almost never enough to actually get them to want you back. You always need to combine it with some effort to come their way and address their issues.
And if you’re feeling so hurt and heartbroken right now, that you don’t know what is what anymore. On one hand, you might feel like you want to cut your ex off completely because they hurt you so.
But on the other hand, you really want them to see their own mistakes and make it up to you.
Here, you can tell me what happened, and I’ll take your side. I’ll then help you figure out what it is that YOU really want and what to do to achieve that outcome.
So you’re considering sending a closure letter to your ex. By doing it, you’re likely looking for a chance to express your thoughts and feelings one last time.
Maybe you’re hoping that doing this will force your ex to give you answers. That they’ll reveal where they truly stand and set you free, so that you can move on.
Or maybe you’re still very much in love and are having a hard time letting go.
You wish that sending them this closure letter will finally open their eyes and realize what they’re about to lose.
Countless coaching clients of ours found themselves in one of the two above-mentioned situations. Many of them were trying to get their ex back, but some were genuinely looking for real closure.
Some of them followed our advice, while others did what felt right to them. It didn’t always work.
Their experiences and attitudes taught us a lot about when it’s a good idea to send a closure letter and how to formulate it so that it had the desired impact on your ex.
In this blog post, I will share with you what I’ve learned from our clients’ successful and failed attempts, so that you don’t have to repeat their mistakes.
When Is It a Good Idea to Send a Letter to Your Ex
First off, I’m going to cover a very common pattern I noticed in both men and women. Being broken up with is often extremely distressing. I know from my own experience that rejection hurts very deeply.
So much so, it sends people into a spiral of anxiety and desperation. And then in that hyperemotional state, they want to write long love letters to their ex.
They hope that listing all the good things about the relationship, telling their ex how much they love them, how special things are between them etc. will be enough to reverse the breakup.
If you’re feeling very emotional and desperate, then sending a letter to your ex is NOT a good idea right now.
Showing your ex the raw, unfiltered version of you will only drive them further away.
But if that moment has already passed, you might still be sad, you might still be desperate. But you’re not out of control anymore, so sending a closure letter might actually do you a lot of good.
It’s Ok to Contact Your Ex for Closure When You Need to Get Things off Your Chest
Relationships and breakups tend to be messy. There are likely things you’re hurting about. Maybe it’s about how your ex was relating to you while you were still together. It could also be about the way they chose to end things.
This kind of heartache can cut very deeply, so much so, it might make it impossible for you to move on.
This is where confronting your ex about how they hurt you could be the only thing that can allow you to start processing those feelings.
Expressing your anger and hurt will make room for grief and eventually closure.
An important note here: only do this if you want to move on.
This kind of closure letter might be the last contact you ever have with your ex. Also, they will most likely remain in denial or react defensively. Or they might not respond at all.
Keep in mind, no response is in fact a response. This kind of closure letter is more about your emotional journey, not about your ex.
If you approach it as such, it will give the relief and answers you’re looking for.
Send a Closure Letter When You Want to Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong
This is the second type of closure letter, one that you can send as a last resort to try to fix things. The point of it is to show your ex that you understand your own mistakes and how they contributed to the breakup.
We all make mistakes in relationships and in life, we’re only human after all.
So if you reflected on your own behavior and now see that certain things you did might have hurt your ex or only made their situation worse, then this is something worth sharing with them.
This kind of closure/accountability letter can be the very thing that makes it clear to them that you’ve actually changed. At the same time, it’s a good way to communicate to your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously.
This could be the very thing that softens them enough so that they can realize what’s actually happening and what they’re about to lose.
How to Write an Impactful Closure Letter to Your Ex
The biggest danger with sending a closure letter to your ex is that it will only backfire and make them reject you all over again. These are the rules you want to follow in order to avoid this:
1. Don’t Try to Convince Your Ex of Anything
Trying to convince an ex to change their mind is not going to work. No matter how hard you try or how good your arguments are, it’s all a waste of breath and time.
There is no point telling them how special the relationship was or that you’re meant to be together.
As long as you’re pushing them or convincing them of something, your closure letter will not impact them the way you hope it would. What’s more, you’ll drive them further away.
If this is where you’re coming from, it’s better you keep your thoughts to yourself or vent to a friend instead.
2. Don’t Try to Guilt-Trip Your Ex
Much like with convincing, guilt-tripping your ex will not change their mind. They’ll remain cold, distant, and unavailable.
Your ex is likely hurting after the breakup themselves, so they’ll have no room for what you need from them. So don’t tell them how much you love them and miss them in your closure letter. It won’t do you any favors.
If this is where you’re coming from, you’ll only get burned.
3. Don’t Ask For Anything
Another important rule to follow when trying to write an impactful closure letter to an ex is to not ask them for anything. Again, much like with convincing or guilt-tripping, asking your ex for things will only backfire.
This includes asking for forgiveness.
Your ex is at where they’re at. For the time being, they want to remain broken up. As long as this is the case, they won’t be willing to come your way.
4. If You Want Them Back, Take Responsibility for What You Did Wrong
If the purpose of your closure letter is to give one last shot at getting your ex back, then you should center it around taking responsibility for what you did wrong.
Acknowledge the things your ex complained about you doing or not doing. Apologize for hurting them or driving them away.
Show that you accept and understand their decisions.
This is the only way you can actually get through to them.
Some of my coaching clients sent a letter like this, and it worked. Their ex was moved and open to communication afterwards. They could then gradually work on rebuilding trust and slowly getting back together.
5. If You Want to Move On, Confront Them About Stringing You Along
The problem with moving on after a breakup is that a lot of exes continue acting hot and cold. So they’ll make just enough effort to make sure that you will remain hooked, but will avoid giving you straight answers.
They’ll be stringing you along with a false sense of hope. Not wanting to let go but also not wanting to get back together.
It’s time to let them know, things aren’t working for you, you’re at your limit, and you won’t let them take you for granted any longer.
This kind of closure letter can make your ex wake up to the reality of your breakup and reconsider what they actually want. Or it might also be the last thing you ever write to them, and you never hear from them again.
When sending this type of closure letter to your ex, keep in mind: someone who ever truly cared about you, will respond to this and start chasing you.
How to Know Your Closure Letter Made an Impact
The way to tell if sending a closure letter made an impact on your ex or not is by looking at how fast they reply and what their response is.
If they respond right away and remain defensive, then it didn’t land the way you wanted it to land. You can try again, or you can also choose to give up.
If your ex remains silent for a week and then replies something slightly encouraging, it means your words made an impact, and they are now testing if you truly meant it.
And if you never hear from them again, then it likely did make an impact, but they just never cared enough about you. Some people give up easily and don’t have what it takes to build a long-lasting relationship.
If you need help formulating your closure letter, this is something we could help you with through email coaching.
Here you could send us your draft and my husband, or I will make suggestions and formulate your thoughts in a way that will make your ex respond.
We’ll also help you make sense of what’s going on and what your ex’s feelings truly are.
Thank you for reading, so sorry you’re going through this! If you have any doubts or questions, share them in the comments section, and I’ll get back to you!
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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