Because we are deeply social- and emotionally attached creatures.
Truly moving on is difficult, even when your relationship went through a lot of turmoil and struggle.
But sometimes it takes a while for your absence to affect your ex enough for them to want to come back.
How long, you ask?
Depending on how rough things were between the two of you, generally within a couple of weeks (unless your ex is a ghoster, then it’ll take longer, but more on that later)
Now, with all that being said, let’s talk about what’s truly brought you here:
You want to know whether you should wait for your ex to come back. And if not, what other choices do you have.
So let’s talk about it.
Why Do Some Exes Come Back and Others Don’t
Now that you know that there is a 50-50 chance of your ex coming back, you’re likely wondering what are the odds of you being in those lucky 50%.
I want to share some of my own story relating to this point.
You see, I was once one of those exes. In two of my serious long term relationships, I was the one who broke up and tried to move on.
And the first time around, I didn’t want to get back together.
I wasn’t happy in that relationship. My ex and I weren’t a good match. We had a completely different outlook on life, valued and wanted different things.
That breakup felt more like a relief.
I was finally free to live my life without trying to make something work that simply wasn’t working.
In my second serious long term relationship, things were not perfect either. I wasn’t sure I was ready for commitment, so I decided to break things off.
Only to come back, THREE TIMES.
My wife (then girlfriend) and I went through three breakups in the first two years of our relationship. We had some problems, but we figured them out.
Our relationship was completely different from the previous one I described. We were absolutely crazy about each other. Our chemistry was like an irresistible pull that kept on bringing us back together.
And we were actually a good match. We shared life goals and values. Which allowed us to build a functioning and happy relationship.
When evaluating if your ex will come back or not, you’re going to need to take a critical look at your relationship:
Were you guys happy together? Did you really click? How strong were you attracted to each other? Were you a good match?
All these will be the defining factors that will make your ex want to come back.
5 Reasons Why Exes Do Come Back
Now that you know the biggest defining factors that will determine whether your ex will come back, I want to help you get into their mind.
So that you understand their decision process and can help them along.
These are the five direct reasons that can make a person reconsider a breakup and come back:
1. Your Ex’s Starts Missing You
The number one reason that will motivate an ex to come back to you is when they start missing you.
You’re not around anymore, or you’re not as available, and they’ll eventually start feeling lonely because of this.
They’ll be going about their day, doing things that will remind them of you, over and over again.
But in order for this to happen, you have to give them room to feel this way.
A common mistake a lot of people make after a breakup is endlessly chasing their ex. So be careful, because by doing that you’ll never give them a chance to actually miss you.
And consequently, they’ll also feel no need to come back any time soon.
2. They’re Not Over You
The second-biggest reason why exes do come back is because they realize that they’re not over you.
Our attachments run far deeper than we think. This was the case for me with my wife, Karolina.
But I still had feelings for her and didn’t actually want to let go.
Which brings me to my next point.
3. They Didn’t Actually Mean to Break Up
I know this might sound silly, but half of the time, dumpers don’t actually realize what they’re doing when they say that they want to break up.
This was very much the case for me. I felt very secure that I could get my ex back anytime. So I initially didn’t worry about losing Karolina at all.
It was quite an emotional journey, before I woke up to the reality of what was really going on and the breakup actually hit me.
Once it did, that’s when I started coming back.
4. They Start Worrying About Losing You
One of the most direct reasons for your ex to come back will be once they start to worry that they might lose you for good.
Again, in order for this to happen, you have to leave them room to feel this way.
As long as you’re chasing, or acting desperate, they’ll feel in control and remain in denial of the reality of the breakup.
Another underlying issue that might cause your ex to not care about where you’re at is when they’re angry or hurt about something.
As long as this is the case, they will have no room to worry about losing you because they’ll remain so preoccupied with whatever it is that they’re disappointed by.
Lastly, one of the biggest reasons why an ex will come back is because they might change their mind about what it is that they actually want.
This was very much the case for me in our breakups with Karolina.
I was afraid of commitment, I didn’t want to remain trapped for the rest of my life. I worried that I might miss out on things if we were to stay together.
But she was understanding of my doubts and fears and didn’t push me to get over them.
Ironically, this was exactly what I needed to be able to take things one day at a time and get in touch with what I actually wanted in life…
…which was for us to be together.
How Do Exes Come Back
Now that you know why some exes come back and others don’t and what the direct reasons are that prompt them to take this step. I want to dispel some myths about what getting back together after a breakup actually looks like.
I know that a lot of you guys hope that it will be enough to apply the no contact rule and just wait it out.
That your ex will eventually conclude that the breakup was a mistake and beg you to take them back.
The only case where things actually can work out this way is when your ex is a ghoster.
I already mentioned this in the introduction, ghosters are a very particular type of dumper. The very reason why they choose to end things so abruptly and not give you any explanation is so that there is room for them to change their mind.
However, it might take them months or even years to get there.
But if your ex did give you a reason why they want to break up, then they’re not a ghoster.
When this is the case, they will likely NOT come back without you doing something to change their mind first. Plus, getting back together always ends up being more of a gradual process, rather than a sudden event.
Now that you know that your ex will most likely not come back on their own I want to give you some tips on what to do to make it happen.
You see, all couples break up for a reason.
In some cases, these reasons have a lot to do with you or your relationship. But it’s also possible that it’s just due to their personal doubts or even mental health issues.
Regardless of what the exact reasons for your breakup are exactly, in order to get your ex to come back to you, you’re going to have to fix the thing that made you break up in the first place.
This is why, unfortunately, distancing yourself and waiting will not be enough for most of you. No contact can work to some degree.
It can help you show your ex that you’re taking the breakup seriously and respecting their decision.
But it will not fix the thing that drove you apart.
As long as this problem is there, it will act as a barrier preventing your ex from coming back to you.
If you need help overcoming issues that caused your breakup, I can support you with that in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you evaluate if your ex will come back or not.
I’ll also give you tips on what to say and do to get through to them. So that you can help them overcome the barriers that are preventing you from being together.
So you’re wondering when does the breakup hit the dumper?
This is actually a good question to ask, because it means you understand that your ex hasn’t yet grasped the reality of your breakup.
Your intuition tells you that they don’t yet feel the gravity of the situation, and that they might even be treating you as though you will stick around forever, waiting for them to change their mind.
So naturally, you will be wondering WHEN the breakup will finally hit the dumper and what stage they are currently in.
That is exactly what I am going to help you with in this article.
We are going to cover the 5 Stages a dumper goes through before realizing that the breakup actually happened!
Within that, we’ll answer how long it takes them and what you can do about it.
5 Stages a Dumper Goes Through
The stages that a dumper goes through after a breakup are very different from that of the dumpee.
Since they are the ones that initiated the breakup, they feel like they have power and control.
To a point where they believe they can reverse the breakup, if they so choose to.
If this ISN’T your first breakup with your ex, you’ll especially understand this. Since they’ll likely be treating you as though you’re at their beck and call, even though you’re broken up.
For now, though, let’s cover the 5 stages.
1. They Are Certain About the Breakup
The first stage at dumper goes through after a breakup, and is feeling extremely CERTAIN about their decision.
No matter how much you may have pleaded and begged and promised to change…
They will have remained firm in their decision and told you that the breakup is final.
And if you kept trying to push, they likely got defensive, and now they are even angry with you for not accepting their choice.
2. They Feel Relieved and Free To Do What They Want
Once the breakup is final, the dumper will temporarily feel relieved to have gotten it over with, and consider themselves free to finally do whatever they want.
They will tell themselves that this is for the better, and will often go a little off the rails. So much so, you might not even recognize them and wonder why they suddenly changed so much!
The second stage can last from a week to a month, but sooner than later the dumper will hit the next stage…
3. Doubt and Uncertainty Starts To Creep In
And this is where their confidence about their decision to break up starts to see some doubt and uncertainty.
After having experienced the freedom to do and say as they please, they come to realize that it’s not enough to make them happy…
And that maybe you and your relationship WEREN’T actually the true problem.
What once seemed like an absolute and unquestionably good decision is now not so clear anymore.
Because the dumper begins to realize that perhaps things weren’t so black-and-white after all.
The fourth stage is where the breakup hits the dumper, and it suddenly dawns on them that you are out of their reach.
They realize that the breakup really happened, and that they may never see you in their life again.
Now, this is where there is a fork in the road…
The dumper will feel one of two ways about the realization that you’re gone for good:
#1 They Either Feel Relieved and Free
I of course hope this isn’t your case, but it’s important to mention.
The first possibility is that the dumper will continue to feel relieved and free.
If this is the case, then they were likely unhappy in the relationship and consider having left it to be the right and healthy choice for themselves
In this second scenario, the dumper’s journey will end here.
#2 Or They Feel Remorse and Regret
This is your likely desired scenario, where a dumber will start remembering all the good of your relationship and diminish the bad.
Your ex will see that things weren’t all that terrible as they’d previously told themselves and that maybe had they made more effort, things could’ve worked out between you two.
They will feel remorse and regret over their decision to break up.
Expect a dumper to arrive at this stage within a few weeks, or sometimes a few months, after the breakup.
We are social creatures, and when the warmth, comfort, and familiarity of a partner suddenly vanishes from one day onto the next, there is a void that is difficult to fill.
This is where a dumper typically starts to miss their ex.
Do Dumpers Feel Separation Anxiety?
Dumpers usually don’t feel separation anxiety because they are the ones that initiated the breakup.
This means they are often under the IMPRESSION that they can reverse the breakup if they so choose to.
But this can change if you make it clear to them that you are not going to be waiting around forever.
It will take away their sense of control to reverse their choice on a whim. Which can then lead to a dumper feeling, separation anxiety.
No contact can absolutely hurt the dumper, but whether it does or not, will depend on the circumstances of your relationship break up.
If, after reaching Stage 4. of the dumper stage, as we covered earlier, your ex falls into the first scenario: #1 They Feel Relieved and Free, then, no, doing no contact will not hurt them.
If, however, your ex, falls into the second category #2 They Feel Remorse and Regret, then, yes, you doing No Contact with them will hurt them.
What I would like to underline here is that doing No Contact to hurt a dumper is unlikely to get you the results you were hoping for.
This is something my wife and I have seen too many times with our coaching clients.
Before they come to us, they tried applying no contact to get their ex to regret their decision and come chasing them.
They all hope that by doing No Contact, their ex will magically see reason and come running to the door, ready to take everything back, apologize and even propose.
But I’m afraid to tell you that in reality, it rarely goes that way…
No Contact mostly doesn’t work because it tries to motivate an ex with rejection and fear.
When you do that, an ex often sees it as further evidence that their decision to break up was the right one. Because they perceive you as cold and untrustworthy, since you’re choosing to sever the few ties that remained…
This is why Karolina and I created and teach the Limited Contact Rule instead.
Which strikes a balance between showing strength and composure to your ex, while, subtly signaling your interest to try again.
This way, you are NOT cutting off the remaining thread that connects you, and you’ll be giving your relationship a chance to be rebuilt.
If you’d like to learn more about how to best do this, you can have a look at our Ex Back Program.
In it we go into the details of what’s going on in your ex’s head. So that you finally get some answers. And more importantly you’ll learn a new mindset on how to approach your ex with the help of the Limited Contact Rule.
This and our intuitive 5-Step framework will help you finally win them over again.
(And if you have already done ‘No Contact’, don’t worry, we will remedy the situation together.)
How can you know if no contact rule is working? Navigating a breakup can feel like an emotional rollercoaster:
One day you might be fairly confident that everything is fine, that you still have a shot with your ex, and you just need to continue doing what you’re doing.
Only, to have them say or post something so hurtful, it makes your stomach sink, and you suddenly feel like all hope is gone.
Or maybe you’ve been applying the no contact rule for a long time, and you’re wondering: “Does my ex even miss me? And if so, why haven’t they reached out to me yet!?”
There are a lot of myths and misconceptions when it comes to getting your ex to want you back with the help of the no contact rule.
I know that a lot of you guys hope that by applying it, you’ll get your ex to open their eyes and finally see what they’re about to lose.
That it’ll motivate them to reconsider the breakup or even apologize.
Unfortunately, it never works this way.
No contact alone is not enough to change your ex’s mind. However, it can send them a powerful message that they will respond to accordingly.
In this article, I want to help adjust your expectations, so that you’re not just stuck waiting for something that will never happen.
I’ll also help you notice when an opportunity presents itself and there is room for you to make a move and win your ex’s heart again.
5 Signs the No Contact Rule Is Working and What to Do
Before jumping into the specific signs, I want to share a bit of my story with you guys.
During those periods when we were apart, he would often say or post things that made me feel like “This must be it, he is clearly over me.”
When in reality, he was reaching out to me because he missed me.
The fundamental message I want to convey to you guys is that things are not going to be as good as you want them to be.
Your ex is not going to suddenly turn up at your doorstep, begging you to take them back just because you didn’t contact them for a while.
But they will start sending you subtle messages to signal that they’re ready for you to make the next move.
It’s important that you don’t overlook those signs and end up waiting indefinitely for something that has no chance of happening.
These are five things to look out for when applying no contact rule:
1. Your Ex Reaches Out to You
One of the clearest signs that no contact rule is working is when your ex reaches out to you.
It doesn’t matter if they come up with an excuse to contact you for a seemingly pragmatic reason, they just start a small talk or even ask to arrange to come pick up some of their things.
(I know that this might sound crazy, but I’ve had quite a few coaching clients whose exes came to pick up their things but ended up having heartfelt conversations or even staying the night.)
Them reaching out means that they’re ready to resume contact.
From now on they’ll be testing you. Checking if you’ve changed and if you still care about them.
This is why you need to end no contact then and there and shift your focus to winning back their trust.
2. Your Ex Is Reacting to Your Social Media Posts
Another common way to know that the no contact rule is working is if your ex keeps on reacting to your social media posts.
Make no mistake, they’re doing it for a reason! They’re indirectly reaching out to you, by engaging with your content.
If this has been happening for a while, know that it’s a sign your ex might be too shy or unsure to do more.
Another common sign that the no contact rule is working is when your ex posts something that’s meant to get your attention.
To outsiders, it might look like any other social media post.
However, you’ll feel that this one is for you.
It might be something related to your shared interest or an activity you did together. They might also just post a sad quote or a love song.
If this happens, know that you’re not imagining it. Your ex is well aware that you’ll see their post!
What’s more, they’re posing it to provoke a reaction from you!
Maybe they’re still hurting after the breakup, or they’re just hoping that you’ll read between the lines and understand their hidden message.
Either way, when this happens, know that no contact has run its course, and it’s time to make the next move by reaching out to them first.
4. Your Ex Is Trying to Make You Jealous
Another common sign that no contact is working is when your ex posts something that makes you feel jealous.
It might be a photo of them going out, partying with friends, or something even more provocative than this.
Make no mistake, it doesn’t mean that they’re having fun and are over you.
They intended for you to see this.
They might have even made these posts just to get back at you for doing no contact for so long.
Your ex might be pretending to be over you, just to get you to give in and finally reach out to them first.
5. Your Ex Wants to Be Friends
Last but not least, another typical sign that the no contact rule is working is when your ex reaches out just to tell you, they want to be ‘just friends’ now.
All of our coaching clients are terrified of being friend-zoned by their exes. However, there is no real danger of it ever happening.
Attraction between people doesn’t ever go away.
If you just roll with it, sooner rather than later, they’ll want more from you.
How Long Does the No Contact Rule Take To Work
Typically, you can see the results of the no contact rule as soon as after a few days of doing it.
In some, more difficult cases, it might take a week or two for your ex to start sending you subtle signs that they’re ready to get back in touch
However, if it’s been a month or longer since you last spoke with your ex and none of the above-mentioned signs fits with your case…
Then most likely the no contact rule is not working for you and there is no point doing it any longer.
What to Do if No Contact Is Not Working
The no contact rule doesn’t work when both parties are stuck waiting for the other to make the next move.
This is why it’s not always the right approach. So much so, for some couples, it can even do more damage than good.
So you’re wondering what the signs are that your ex will eventually come back to you.
Breakups rarely feel truly final, this is because our feelings for someone can’t just vanish from one day onto the next.
So it makes sense that in your gut you might feel like things are not over just yet, because most likely they’re not!
It takes months or even years to truly get over someone you loved. And through all that time you’ll have countless opportunities to reconnect and try to make things work with your ex.
This is why it’s so important that you can read their signs correctly and don’t miss out on your chance.
But before going into the particular things to look out for, I want to first discuss a very important issue with you guys…
What Are the Odds an Ex Will Come Back
I have some good news and bad news here.
I’m going to start off with the positive stuff, because that’s what anyone who’s just recently gone through a breakup needs most.
So the good news is, it’s actually fairly easy to get your ex to come back after a breakup.
I’ve done it myself three times, we’re married now, and we actually run this blog together. We’ve also helped countless other clients get their ex back.
People tend to underestimate the strength of our attachments.
Just like you, your ex’s feelings for you are still there, and they miss you now and then.
Because of this, the odds of them coming back are pretty high, especially if things are still fresh and your connection is still there.
However, you’ll likely need to do something to get them to want to take this step.
So the bad news is:
If you’re hoping that it’ll be enough to just do no contact for a month or two to get your ex to realize they made a bad mistake, come back and want to get back together with you…
Then, unfortunately, I have to burst your bubble.
Chances of this happening are slim to none.
The thing is, people break up for a reason. It could be something you did, it also could be something completely unrelated to you.
Still, you’ll either need to fix it or help your ex overcome whatever it is that was preventing them from being together with you, to get them to come back and commit again.
15 Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back
These are the signs that the odds are in your favor and your ex will most likely eventually come back, as long as you encourage them the right way.
I’ll start off with things to look out for immediately after a breakup, followed by typical ways how dumpers indirectly signal that they miss you and are ready to fix things.
1. Your Ex Cried While Breaking up with You
Somebody who makes up their mind and then ends up crying about the decision they just made, clearly is already regretting it.
Some people choose to break up not because they want it, but because they believe it’s inevitable or necessary.
Maybe someone else talked them into this, or they’re worried you were going to break up with them anyway, so they wanted to preempt the blow.
Either way, your ex crying while breaking up with you is a sign of them having a hard time coming to terms with the idea of separating from you.
If you help them overcome whatever it was that made them take this step, your ex will most likely eventually come back.
2. Your Ex Insists That You Part on Good Terms
Some dumpers make a staggering amount of effort just to ensure that you guys “part on good terms”.
They feel guilty and worry that you’ll end up hating them because of their decision, so they try to do everything in their power to ensure it doesn’t happen.
This might mean having long conversations where they explain their side, checking in on you, trying to clarify things further.
So much so, the whole process of breaking up might even take you guys a few days.
In a long distance relationship, a dumper might even fly over, just to break up with you in person for this very reason.
An ex, who is trying this hard not to cut ties with you entirely, is not over you.
They’re intentionally keeping that door open, so that there’s room for them to eventually change their mind and come back to you.
3. Your Ex Texts You a Day after the Breakup
It’s not uncommon for couples to break up but continue interacting as though they were still together, at least for a few days afterwards.
It’s hard to go from texting all the time to not contacting each other at all. This is why some couples let things fizzle out slowly and gradually.
Your ex still might have still texted you “good morning” or “good night” a day after the breakup. Or continued sending you memes, updating you about their day etc.
When this happens, know it’s a sign they are having a hard time letting go too.
If your ex acted this way, know that you have great chances, and with a little encouragement, they will very likely eventually come back to you.
4. They Want to See You Right after the Breakup
Don’t get this one wrong, an ex who wants to see you right after breaking up is clearly missing you already.
There are two typical excuses dumpers use to make this happen:
They either want to meet up to “just talk” and clarify things further.
Or, another common one is that they want you to pick up your stuff, or they want to come over to get their things a few days after the breakup.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of mixed message is extremely confusing and heartbreaking. Because you’re likely believing your ex is seeking closure.
But they’re not. They’re much more likely either looking for a genuine excuse to see you, or they’re actively rejecting you as an attempt to get their point across.
Either way, it’s ok for you to set boundaries in this kind of situation and take your time before you’re ready to face them.
Just know that regardless of the reasons they give you, your ex wanting to see you shortly after the breakup is a sign that they already miss you and will most likely eventually come back to you.
5. Your Ex Wants to Be Friends
When your ex says they want to just be friends, people often panic.
They worry it means that it’s all over, all the feelings are gone and that they will remain friend zoned from now on.
Someone, who has been attracted to you once, will inevitably feel the chemistry again. Sooner, rather than later, they’ll want more.
If your ex wants to be friends, it’s a sign they’re not over you and that they will likely eventually come back.
6. They Let You Keep Something Personal or Important
An ex, who is not over you, will try to maintain the connection with you by leaving little but important things at your place.
These might be little but personal items, like their electric toothbrush or memorabilia. Or important documents, car keys, credit cards etc.
They’re intentionally leaving these things with you because it gives them a sense of comfort.
It’s as though part of them is still with you.
When an ex lets you keep something of theirs that’s either personal or significant, know that it’s a way of holding onto you.
They’re not ready to let go, and, if you play your cards right, you can get them to eventually come back to you.
7. They Keep On Needing Things from You
This is a move that’s typical of women who break up but keep on asking questions, needing advice, wanting you to fix their devices, borrowing things etc.
Men can do it too, but it’s slightly different. They might come over to do their laundry, use your garage, etc.
Know that an ex, who does this, likes being able to depend on you.
You clearly still provide a sense of safety and comfort they cannot do without.
It’s a sign that they still need you emotionally as well as pragmatically.
Because of this, your ex likely wants you back, but they’re just not 100% certain that things can work out this time.
Hence, their hesitation.
If you use this knowledge wisely, though, you can get them to eventually come back.
8. They Insist on Doing Things for You
This is a flip side of the previous point. Some people are more comfortable needing help, while others prefer providing it.
This move is particularly common for men, an ex-boyfriend might insist on fixing your car (because he knows a good place) or fixing your computer, selecting a new phone for you etc.
Women can do it as well, but they’re more likely to take on your responsibilities.
There are also some gender-neutral favors an ex might do for you too, like grocery shopping for you when you’re sick, paying for things or lending you money.
An ex, who insists on helping you this way, does it to get on your good side and also to maintain control over you to some degree.
It’s their way of trying to make sure they’re not going to lose you for good.
They likely need you to prove to them that you care about them as much as they care about you.
In these cases, it’s enough to give them even a tiny bit of encouragement, and they will eventually come back to you.
10. They Drunk Text You or Call You
Alcohol lowers our inhibitions. It lets us get in touch with our true feelings and do scary things.
Like confessing our love for someone…
If an ex suddenly texts you or calls you while drunk, just to tell you how much they love you, know that they really do feel this way.
Even if they take it all back on the next day, chances are they’re keeping their true feelings at bay for a reason. Find out what that reason is, and you’ll have full access to their heart again, whether they’re drunk or sober.
When an ex drunk texts you or calls you, it’s a sign they’re missing you and will eventually come back.
11. They’re Acting Jealous
An ex might let you know that they’re absolutely certain about the breakup and don’t want to get back together, only to act jealous days- or even moments later.
They might make a cranky remark about your outfit or evening plans that completely startles you and leaves you wondering “Am I imagining it, or are they jealous??”
An ex who acts this way is clearly not over you.
If they sense that there is actual danger of you moving on, they might suddenly change their tone completely.
When your ex is acting jealous, it’s a sign that they’re still possessive of you and are actually worried about losing you.
Because of this, there is a real chance that they’ll eventually come back.
12. They’re Apologetic about Making You Upset
Breakups are really tough to cope with, especially when you’re the one who gets broken up with.
This is why it might be confusing when the very same person who just put you through all that pain, suddenly becomes apologetic for making you even more upset.
Maybe something they posted really got to you. Or you caught wind of something they did, and it hurt you more.
They can sense that it could be a dealbreaker for you, and it makes them change their tone. Suddenly, they’re eager to make things right again.
An ex who is apologetic for making you upset, cares about how you feel.
When an ex is apologizing for hurting you, there is a good chance that they will eventually come back to you.
13. They’re Reaching Out to You Indirectly
Has your ex been posting things that feel like they’re meant for you? Even though they might be posting it publicly or just adding things to their story.
Well, your gut feeling is right here, your ex is reaching out to you indirectly.
Just like you, they’re checking if you view their stories and react to their posts.
What’s more, they might be trying to convey what they feel in the hopes that you’ll magically read their mind.
This is particularly true when an ex is either posting something provocative or sad and romantic.
If you manage to get their message and respond accordingly, they will eventually come back.
14. They’re Stalking You on Social Media
An ex who is stalking you on social media is clearly trying to keep tabs on you.
They might do it by simply viewing everything you post, by reacting, or by leaving vague but nice comments.
They’re likely checking and making sure that you’re still single. This is why their activity could be a sign that your ex is becoming interested again.
Either way, they’re also definitely flirting with you.
Flirt back, and your ex will eventually come back to you.
15. They Ghosted You
Last but not least, I imagine a lot of you guys might find this point very surprising.
The very purpose of ghosting is to leave someone hanging without explicitly cutting things off.
This gives them room for them to suddenly return with a good excuse and pretend that the break never happened. It might take them months to do so, though.
This brings me to my next point…
How Long Does It Take for an Ex to Come Back
I know that a lot of you hope that it’s just a matter of waiting long enough for your ex to then suddenly change their mind and agree to get back together.
Unfortunately, this is not how it works.
In most cases, getting your ex back is more of a gradual process rather than a sudden event.
Plus, you will likely need to do something to jump start it.
On average, our coaching clients need one to six months to get back together after a breakup.
There were a few who got there sooner, but they were very rare cases.
There are also some who got back together after almost a year of remaining broken up.
It’s always better trying to do something, rather than wait and hope that things will fall into place on their own.
If none of the above-mentioned signs fit your case, you haven’t heard from your ex in a year or more, and they blocked you everywhere, it’s safe to assume that they won’t come back.
Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide how much they’re worth to you and if you’re willing to put in the effort to win them over.
If you need help figuring out if your ex is over you or not, I can help you with that in a coaching call.
Here I’ll carefully listen and help you understand and see all the signs.
I’ll also give you tips on what to do to get your ex’s attention so that they do come back to you.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it’s often hard to comprehend how they could do something like this.
Maybe you’re blaming yourself, thinking: “What did I do wrong to let this happen?”
Or you’re feeling betrayed, disappointed and are wondering: if this is how they treat you, then they’re clearly not who you thought them to be!
Being hurt emotionally or physically by someone you trusted and cared about is one of the most painful experiences in life.
But you can get through this!
Time alone will ease your pain. What’s more, there are things you can say and do to make it clear to the person who hurt you just how badly they messed up.
You can also protect yourself from this kind of betrayal in the future.
But first off, I’m going to explain why it even comes to this.
Why Does the One You Love Hurt You the Most
Unfortunately, the one you love can hurt you the most, because they are closest to you. You’ve let yourself be vulnerable around them and given them your trust.
This is why, when they betray it, it cuts much deeper and is far more personal.
We also have more emotional needs and higher expectations from the ones we love.
Imagine a friend of yours forgot about your birthday. Chances are, you might be slightly upset about it. But it probably wouldn’t be that big of a deal.
However, if it’s your significant other, or one of your parents who forget about your special day, that is bound to really hurt.
Unfortunately, pain and love often go hand in hand.
None of us are perfect. We all forget things, are selfish and sometimes can do incredibly hurtful things, mostly, without intending to do so.
This brings me to my next point:
Can Someone Hurt You and Still Love You?
Yes, someone can absolutely hurt you and still love you.
Unfortunately, life and relationships are messy. Everybody has been through their own share of hardships and carries emotional baggage that they then let out on their loved ones.
If you’re asking yourself, how can someone say they love you and then hurt you, know that it’s often done unintentionally.
But don’t think of this as an excuse or a reason why you should forgive them.
Regardless if they meant to hurt you or not, it doesn’t make it ok for someone you love to put you through pain.
What’s more, different people have different standards and definitions of what love means and entails.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, it’s important that you ask yourself: “Is this something I’m willing to put up with or not?”
It’s up to you to define your own limits and protect your own well-being. Maybe their definition and standards for love are just too different from what you want and need.
What to Do When You Are Hurt by Someone You Love
What do you do when someone you love really hurts you? Your first reaction might be to just run away and hide.
Distancing yourself and having some space is actually a good way of giving yourself time to recover and protecting yourself from further pain.
As long as you’re not doing it purely in the hopes of having the one who hurt you come chasing you with apologies.
This is where your attitude can backfire…
People rarely hurt others on purpose. So when you just distance yourself from them with no explanation, they are likely to misinterpret it as “you just needing space”.
So rather than come chasing after you, they’ll also just withdraw and try to wait it out.
Another common way of how people react when they’re hurt by a loved one is by being furious and outraged. It’s perfectly understandable that you might be impatient for them to see their mistake and make it up to you.
Unfortunately, this attitude generally doesn’t work either.
So rather than listen and apologize, they’ll likely just get defensive and might even say and do things that only hurt you further.
When someone you love hurts you deeply, your first focus needs to be protecting yourself from any further pain.
Followed by communicating to them why and how what they did caused you pain.
What to Say to Someone You Love Who Has Hurt You Deeply
Once you’ve recovered and regained your strength a little, try to communicate what you felt as clearly as possible.
You do this by saying something like:
“I have to tell you something important, and I need you to take it seriously. When you said/did that thing, it really hurt me. It broke my trust and made me question how you actually feel about me.”
This is how you give them a chance to understand and correct their mistake.
Don’t be surprised if they still react with defensive listening. You will most likely need to repeat yourself and set boundaries to really get your message across.
And if they just continue dismissing you over and over again and repeatedly do the things that hurt you deeply, you might want to reconsider this relationship…
…because, maybe it’s turning into a bit of a toxic one.
Dealing with someone who hurt you emotionally will require a lot of strength. Confronting them and trying to communicate with them will be vulnerable and maybe even a bit scary.
After all, by doing it, you will be risking yet another rejection.
This is why you’ll need to put your guard up and take it slow.
On top of making an effort to communicate, you’ll also likely need to set boundaries to make it clear to them that what they did hurt you deeply and that there’ll be consequences to it.
It’s all about being willing to face the reality of this difficult situation and standing up to them to whatever degree is necessary.
If you need help dealing with a loved one who really hurt you, I can support you through this in a coaching call.
Here I’ll listen and take your side. I’ll then build you up, so that you have the necessary strength to start fixing this difficult situation.
I’ll also give you tips on what boundaries to set and how to do it.
And if this isn’t the first time that someone you loved, hurt you deeply, and you feel like there is nothing more you can do to make it better, check out my husband’s post:
If you’re sitting around, thinking to yourself, “Should I call him or not?” chances are a guy you like intentionally left things open or vague between the two of you.
Maybe you’ve just started dating, and you’re tired of waiting. So you’re eager to make the first move, but you’re not sure if you should.
Or perhaps you and him have some history already, he might even be your ex, and you’re torn: on one hand, you don’t want to be the one who is always chasing him.
But at the same time, you also don’t want to wait forever or let it go without knowing for sure where he truly stands.
Regardless of how long you two have known each other and what the circumstances are exactly, there are times when you absolutely should call him first and others when it’s better for you to back off and wait.
In this post, I’ll help you recognize the best course of action for your particular case. But before going into these details, let’s first answer a few burning questions so many women have.
Should I Call Him or Text Him
I’m going to give you guys a few pointers here so that you can understand what the difference is between calling a man and texting him and when to do which.
Generally speaking, calling is more direct than texting.
It’s more of a power move. Because of this, it can be intimidating to some guys.
This is why a lot of people text first and only start calling each other, later on in the dating phase.
But again, some men don’t have patience for beating around the bush and will appreciate you calling over texting, even early on.
It’s also easier to communicate complicated things via phone call than it is over text.
By talking to each other, you can explain things right away and avoid misunderstandings.
However, some people have an easier time expressing vulnerable things over text than on the phone.
Texting gives you time to think things through and carefully formulate what you’re trying to say.
Point being, there are really no hard rules when it comes to this.
It entirely depends on your preferences. If you’re someone who is more comfortable calling than texting, that’s perfectly ok.
The same way, if you’re more on the shy side, and you have a really hard time picking up your phone, you don’t need to push yourself out of your comfort zone.
You can also stick with just texting.
Taking your partner or crush into consideration can also be helpful to make up your mind. What do you think he would prefer?
Either way, it doesn’t matter so much how you reach him, what’s more important is knowing when to do it.
Should You Ever Call a Guy First
A lot of our female coaching clients struggle making the first move when it comes to dating. They worry it’ll make the guy perceive them as desperate or controlling.
This fear of theirs is not entirely wrong. Some men can get intimidated or defensive when they feel like they’re not in charge.
Others will really appreciate your effort, though!
We live in the 21st century now, it’s perfectly ok for the woman to make the move, when she feels like it.
So yes, you can or even should call him first.
There is really nothing wrong with you doing it! Many guys will feel flattered or relieved when you take the pressure off of them.
And if a man ends up judging you for it, then maybe he’s just too insecure and not a good match anyway.
This is the general rule when it comes to the early stages of dating. Things look a little bit different when you’ve been going out for a while.
Should I Call Him if I Miss Him
If you miss a guy you’re dating or even together with, then you most likely haven’t seen or heard from him in a while. Maybe it’s only been a few days, and you don’t know why he is silent all of a sudden.
Or perhaps it’s been a week or more, and he still hasn’t called you.
So you’re starting to seriously miss him and are wondering if you should just give him a ring and check in.
When two people are seeing each other, it’s important that the amount of effort both of them are putting into making things work is more or less equal.
As long as this is the case, the guy you’re dating has been initiating as much or even more than you, then you should absolutely call him if you miss him!
Guys need this kind of encouragement in order to stay interested and keep pursuing you.
However, if you’ve been the only one who is making this relationship work, then it’s a completely different situation.
Being stuck always initiating, likely makes you worry that, if you didn’t do it, you might never hear from this guy again. So in a way, you might feel like you have to call him or text him first, if you want to keep him in your life.
Or he needs a little push, to realize that he actually cares and wants to keep this going.
The only way you can find out where he truly stands is by waiting it out.
If you’re the only one who has been initiating so far, then you shouldn’t call him when you miss him.
You need to leave room for him to show you if he cares or not.
Should I Call Him After He Ghosted Me
Ghosting unfortunately is extremely common nowadays.
The problem with being treated this way, is that when a guy does it, he leaves you hanging. You never know what really happened and why he disappeared so suddenly.
This is why you shouldn’t call a guy after he ghosted you.
Even if he picks up, he isn’t going to give you any answers. You’ll only feel more rejected and confused afterwards.
He likely wasn’t transparent with you and was pretending to be someone he’s not. He might even be a player.
Either way, ghosters are not serious relationship material. He is just wasting your time, and you deserve better!
Should I Call Him After a Fight
Another common situation when you might be wondering: “Should I call him if he hasn’t called me?” is after you guys had a fight. Unfortunately, arguments are a part of any healthy relationship.
It’s normal for people to disagree and get emotional over things.
However, when dust settles, all that’s left is often a strong need for reconciliation and making things right.
If you’re coming from a place of trying to make peace with him, then you should absolutely call him after a fight.
You don’t need to wait, you can try to fix this now. There are things you can say to him after an argument that’ll help you diffuse his anger and get him to open up to you again.
But if you’re calling him only to try to make him see things your way, then it’s better you don’t do it.
It would only escalate the fight further. Give him and yourself space to cool off some more instead.
You can just call a friend and complain about him to them…
Should I Call Him After a Breakup
Breakups are rarely a definite end of a relationship. Feelings people have for each other, can’t just vanish because you decide so.
This is why couples break up but stay in touch and try to work things out.
If you want to call your ex after a breakup to clarify things, get an explanation or apologize for something you did, you should absolutely go for it!
Except, if your ex explicitly asked you for space.
When this is the case, you need to respect his boundaries and avoid contacting him for a while. (You can text him after no contact, to check in and see if he is ready to talk, though.)
Another reason why you shouldn’t call your ex after a breakup is to try to tell him how much you love him and convince him to change his mind.
You cannot convince someone to feel differently than they do, trying to do so will only break your heart further.
Regardless, if you’re dating, together or broken up, you should call him as often as he calls you. And if he doesn’t call but keeps on texting, that’s ok too.
As long as the amount of effort both of you are putting in is balanced, all is well, and you really don’t need to worry too much.
However, if you’ve been calling him, and he hasn’t been returning the gesture, it might be time to put your guard up a little.
Maybe you’ve become too attached too early on, so you have a hard time stopping yourself from chasing him and are letting him take you for granted.
If this is the case, you need to slow down and make room for him to show you if he cares or not.
It can be really hard to know for sure what’s going on when he isn’t calling you enough.
Some guys need you to make the effort and get them to come back to you.
Others prefer when you back off. That’s what makes them want you more.
If you’re needing more guidance on what to do in your particular case, I can help you out in a coaching call.
I’ll listen to your story and help you figure out how you need to approach him, to get him to call you more and make more effort in general.
I’ll help you overcome whatever stands in a way of you having the relationship you want and deserve!
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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