Photo by Keira Burton

When your ex won’t talk to you or stops replying all of a sudden, it can feel very stressful. Why would he or she do this? Is it because they stopped caring about you? Did they meet someone new? Or are they doing it for an effect?

There are many reasons why an ex might start ignoring you. They might be doing it out of spite. But it could also be their way of telling you something.

What to do when your ex won’t talk to you, depends on what happened between you two and under which circumstances. In this blog post, I’ll cover the four most common scenarios when exes go silent and what to do about each one of them.

But before jumping into solutions, I want to first discuss a very important principle with you guys.

How Do You Deal With an Ex Who Ignores You

When an ex withdraws, stops talking to you or stops replying, it tends to send people into a bit of a spiral. Unfortunately, when something or someone feels out of reach, it tends to make us want that thing or person MORE.

It’s also often nerve racking to feel like you’re losing grip of whatever remaining bits of control you had over your ex.

Because of these reasons, you might start overthinking and obsessing over your ex.

What are they up to? Why won’t they talk to me? What is really going on? Will they ever speak to me again?

So let me put you at ease here! Your ex cares and is more attached than they’re willing to admit. So there is no need to panic. On the contrary, panicking is 100% counterproductive.

In order to be able to deal with an ex who is ignoring you, first and foremost, you’re going to have to get out of the spiral of overthinking and obsessing over them.

As long as you’re nervous and anxious, you won’t be able to get them to talk to you, no matter what you say and do. You’ll only continuously push them away.

Understanding this, together with knowing that your ex is only pretending to be over you (as all ex’s do) will allow you to find the inner strength to approach your ex in a calm and reasonable manner.

The Reason Your Ex Won’t Talk to You

Now that you know that panicking and overthinking will not get you anywhere with your ex, we can get to discussing the reasons why they’re acting this way.

My husband and I coached hundreds of people on how to get their ex back. From all of their stories, we’ve learned that there are actually four main situations when and why an ex stops talking to you.

1. An Avoidant Ex Won’t Talk To You To Make You Give Up On Them

Have your ex’s reasons for breaking up not made much sense to you?

So much so, you might even feel like they just got scared and are sabotaging something very special?

If this is how you feel, then chances are you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment.

Avoidants are masters at sabotaging relationships.

They won’t talk to you after the breakup, simply to get you to give up on them and leave them faster. It’s not something they want, but it’s what they believe they deserve. Or that this is their fate…

Their reason for ignoring you is to make you move on and abandon them.

How To Get An Avoidant Ex To Stop Ignoring You

If you were dating an avoidant who broke up with you for no good reason, you must not abandon them. Any further abandonment will only make them bunker in more.

This is why no contact rule doesn’t work on avoidants. It only reinforces their self-defeating beliefs.

To get an avoidant ex to talk to you, you’re going to have to gradually warm them up again. The only way to do it, is to switch between being hot and cold towards them.

A bit of closeness, followed by space, followed by closeness etc.

By being proactive and caring, you’ll be putting your ex’s self-defeating beliefs into question. At the same time, you’ll also need to give them a lot of space and keep on hinting that you might move on, so that they don’t drag things out forever.

It’s the only way to get an avoidant to chase you.

2. Your Ex Might Be Too Stressed Out To Have Room For Where You’re At

A second big case scenario when an ex won’t talk to you happens when they’re so stressed out with other things, they simply have no room for where you’re at and what you need at the moment.

We all go through rough times in our lives. If your ex got a new job, is going through a main life transition, lost their job, is dealing with family drama etc., then chances are this is the category you fall into.

When this is the case, your ex won’t talk to you because you were likely needing things from them, they simply cannot give you at the moment.

They stop replying or talking to you, to make it clear to you, they need you to either back off or change your tone.

How To Get An Overwhelmed Ex To Start Talking To You

The trick in getting an overwhelmed ex to talk to you is to start off by giving them space. You need to show them that you respect their boundaries and needs.

How much space to give them, depends on how badly things escalated already and also on how stressed out they are.

You can either just wait things out until they’re doing better, and they send you subtle signs they’re waiting for you to make the next move.

Or you can step in sooner, but only to prove to them that you are not needing things from them anymore and are willing to be there for them instead.

3. Your Ex Could Be Giving You A Cold Shoulder To Make A Point

Another big reason why an ex won’t talk to you is because it might be their only remaining way of showing you that you hurt them. Maybe your relationship was struggling so much, you couldn’t talk without arguing anymore.

If this is the case, then your ex might now be giving you silent treatment as a last attempt to get you to back down and finally see things their way.

Much like you might have an urge to do no contact with them, to get them to realize they made a mistake, they won’t talk to you for the very same reason.

How To Get A Defensive Ex To Talk To You

This is why the no contact rule rarely works towards defensive exes. You’re basically stuck in a Mexican standoff with them, pointing your guns at each other. Neither of you willing to back down…

When this is the case, the only way for you to get out of this situation is to drop your weapon and try to make peace, by taking responsibility and listening to your ex’s complaints about you.

4. Your Ex Might Be Currently Busy With Something Or Somebody Else

The fourth big reason why an ex won’t talk to you is simply because they’re currently busy with something or somebody else. This can be anything, ranging from struggling with mental health problems, addictions, or a rebound relationship.

It’s by far the saddest of the reasons and a hard one to face…

But know that, if your ex moved on quickly, they will likely get burned and come back to you a few months down the line.

The same is true if you’ve been ghosted. Ghosters almost always come back sooner than later.

How To Get A Ghoster To Stop Ignoring You

When it comes to this particular case, doing no contact is your best bet. There is really no point chasing someone who is making it clear to you that they’re not interested at the moment.

What makes these cases difficult to deal with, though, is that you might feel like this is just a misunderstanding. Or you might even be worried if your ex is ok.

This might give you an urge to keep on reaching out, just to make sure, you’re not missing anything vital.

But it’s almost never the case here. Plus, if your ex wanted your help, they would have replied.

All you can do for now is just to wait it out, until the no contact rule starts working.

How Does the Process of Getting Your Ex to Talk to You Actually Looks Like

Even though each one of these four cases needs a slightly different approach, the process of successfully restarting contact with an ex always happens the same way.

It has to start off with you having some distance from them, and this whole problem. This way you can stop overthinking, obsessing and consequently making things worse.

Once you recover your inner strength or even self soothe your anxious attachment, it’s time to try restarting contact.

Expect things to take off slowly. Always be ready to take a step back when required. Make sure that you don’t fall into old patterns again and most importantly, don’t just talk at them.

Listen to what your ex is trying to communicate and respond to it.

You have to get through to each other, and this is the only way to do that.

If you’re unsure which one of the four categories you fall into, or you’re worried you might not be able to stop yourself from sabotaging your chances with your ex, I can help you out in a coaching call.

SimplyTogether Coaching Calls

Here I’ll carefully listen and make sense of what happened between you guys.

We’ll then create a step-by-step plan on how to approach your ex, what to say and do, to get them to open up and talk to you again.

Click Here to Check Out Ex Back Coaching

If you want to know more about how to get back together with an ex, check out this post: How I Got Him Back  - 5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again.

In there, I describe the emotional journey you’ll need to go through, to get your ex to be interested again.

Thank you for reading, if you have any questions, leave me a comment down below, and I’ll get back to you!


Karolina Bartnik