Photo by Gary Barnes

You’re interested in an avoidant, but aren’t sure how to get them to chase you?

Avoidants are tricky, since they’re suspicious of relationships and intimacy to begin with.

And when things get a bit more serious between you guys, they might quickly WITHDRAW to avoid what they fear will inevitably end in abandonment.

Often without giving you a chance to even talk!

So in order to get an avoidant to chase you, you need to strike the right balance of piquing their interest without setting off their (often false) alarm bells.

In this article, I will explain to you how to do exactly that.

Let’s start by talking about the basics of attracting an avoidant.

How Do You Attract Avoidants?

Whether you are single and have a keen eye for a particular avoidant or want to know what attracts avoidant partners in relationship, the one big principle remains the same:

You have to take the PRESSURE OFF of them.

Because avoidants spook easily and are constantly on the lookout for any potential red flags that might signal it’s time to turn tail.

This means that if you want to charm an avoidant, you’ll need to go SLOW and carefully for them to eventually chase you.

And that is what will ultimately make you attractive to the avoidant that holds a special place in your heart.

You taking the pressure off of them is what will make them label you as ‘Safe’.

And SAFETY is spelled in capital letters in an avoidants book, even if they justify their distance with some creative rationalizations.

So play it cool and keep things general, DON’T PUSH for anything.

This way you’ll spark their interest, and they’ll start feeling attracted to you.

How Do You Make an Avoidant Chase You?

Now that we’ve nailed the first point, we’re ready to get your avoidant to chase you.

And be sure you do, because if you haven’t got their interest yet, you’ll be jumping ahead when trying to make them chase you.

Which will sabotage your efforts.

But once you’ve gotten some good rapport down, and you’ve induced the ‘safety feelings’ with them, then you’ll be ready to get them to chase you.

Note that many of the ways to make an avoidant chase you that we’re going to cover here are driven by the aforementioned principle of taking the pressure off.

So keep that in mind as you interact with them.

1. Don’t Chase Them

If you’re wondering whether avoidants ever chase…

Then the answer is yes.

But you have to LET THEM get there!

Which perfectly highlights our first point: don’t chase them.

Nothing sends an avoidant scurrying for the hills faster than someone who is openly expressing interest and chasing them.

Instead, play your game a little more cool, but not cold.

Leave just enough breadcrumbs for them to want to chase you for the next delicious one…

2. Adapt to Their Slow Pace

If you’re someone who likes to move at a fast pace in relationships, then be prepared to adjust to some new speed limitats.

Because avoidants tend to move sloooowwly.

And yes, they do so because they’re afraid of getting hurt.

That isn’t to say this journey can’t be fun and healthy!

You, too, can enjoy the safety of a slower ride and take in the sights and sounds of a slow paced cruise with them.

And when you do, they’ll be MUCH MORE likely to trust and chase you.

3. Be Prepared for Their Communication Quirks

Now, this doesn’t apply to avoidants as a whole, but a good chunk of them can be a little slow and spotty when it comes to replying to texts or calls.

They’re called AVOIDANTS for good reason 😉

So be patient with them and give them the benefit of a doubt.

They might be having a little freak-out over your relationship and need time to regroup.

If they don’t reach out for too long, feel free to check in with them and if there’s still nothing, consider that even no-response is a response.

4. Let Them Be Distant

A good way to get an avoidant to chase you, is to let them be distant when they’re (maybe indirectly) asking for some distance.

It’s important to show them that you’re okay with them needing time to themselves.

(This is where they’ll often try to safely process their thoughts and emotions.)

Now, don’t panic and try to reel them back in.

Tell them you “understand and hope to speak again soon.”

Remember, if you’ve done nothing, then it’s got NOTHING to do with you.

Giving an avoidant this kind of understanding when they’re distant is what will make them chase you again soon!

5. Be Reliable

Since avoidants can be fearful of being emotionally ambushed or abandoned, a great way to get them to pursue you is to prove your reliability.

What this means is, if you say you’ll do something, be sure to do it.

Be punctual, be transparent, and be there for them in a difficult moment.

Because avoidants secretly CRAVE for someone to disprove their nihilistic worldview and have a reliable shoulder to cry and rely on instead.

So don’t miss the opportunity to be that special someone for them.

They’ll hold you in the highest regard for it.

6. Give Them Enough Space

I’m sure you’ve also needed your space from people at times.

We all do.

Having time to ourselves helps us feel safe, reconnect with our feelings, and make sense of things.

Avoidants are no different, other than that they need a lot MORE space.

You respecting their boundaries is what will also make them chase- and want to be with you.

If you’re unsure how much space to give, here’s how to give space the right way.

7. No Pushing

When your avoidant becomes distant or needs space, you might find it difficult to be patient and wait things out, if it’s been dragging out for a week.

It’s okay to check in with them once or twice, but if you want them to chase you, it’s best to REFRAIN from frequently texting or calling them.

They’ll feel pushed to make a decision, and you might guess what their decision will be…

Exactly, MORE distance and space!

So do your best to be patient with them, do your own thing to fill in the time and eventually your avoidant will come out of their hidey-hole.

8. Prove Your Trustworthiness

Trust is a BIG ONE for avoidants.

So making active efforts to gain their trust is definitely something that will make an avoidant crave and chase you.

But beware of the flip side.

Because when trust is broken with avoidants, they may take a long time to recover from it.

Being communicative and transparent with them will help you avoid misunderstandings that could break trust.

And be sure to steer clear of the most common pitfalls that break trust.

9. Let Them Make the Next Step

Avoidants may have a hard time saying “No” to you.

So if you’re enthusiastically making the next steps in your relationship, they might agree at the moment, but once alone, they’ll withdraw and reduce contact.

By letting them move your relationship forward at their own pace, you’re ensuring they won’t feel pressured to say “Yes” to something they DON’T actually feel ready for yet.

This will help them relax, and they’ll appreciate and CHASE you more!

10. Be a Source of Encouragement

Since avoidants can be more isolationist and unsure of themselves, you’ll earn BIG bonus points in their eyes by encouraging them.

Whatever their insecurities may be, giving them acknowledgement and validation will help them feel better.

And there’s nothing an avoidant chases more than someone who makes them feel confident and good about themselves.

11. Communicate Your Limits

Now we’ve talked about how to get an avoidant to chase you.

And as you can see, there are many things you can do, to help encourage them to come your way.

But since no one is an endless source of understanding and endlessly giving doesn’t end well

You’ll need to gently but clearly communicate your limits to your avoidant.

If they are too scrutinizing and suspicious of you, or they aren’t responding to your texts for a week, then it’s important to also set boundaries for yourself.

And if your avoidant CARES ENOUGH about the relationship, they will try to make ends meet.

So that sums up the 11 best ways to get an avoidant to chase you, here they are again:

1. Don’t chase them
2. Adapt to their slow pace
3. Be prepared for their communication quirks
4. Let them be distant
5. Be reliable
6. Give them enough space
7. No pushing
8. Prove your trustworthiness
9. Let them make the next step
10. Be a source of encouragement
11. Communicate your limits

So if you need help with getting through to an avoidant so that they finally pursue you, check out our one-on-one coaching calls both my wife and I offer.

SimplyTogether Coaching Calls

Here, we’ll give you tailored advice and tips to navigate what can feel like walking on eggshells with your avoidant, so that you can get through to them.

Click here to check out Coaching Calls.

Otherwise, you might also find it helps to learn the 6 Ways to Help Your Partner Open Up.

Thank you for reading, I hope my post gave you some insight, and as always feel free to drop your questions in the comments section.

See you next time,


Gabriel Brenner