Loving someone with avoidant attachment can be extremely difficult.
Avoidants often doubt their own feelings and intentions, because of this they tend to bombard their partners with mixed messages.
They can go from showering you with attention to being unresponsive and distant in a matter of days or even hours.
These kinds of mood swings will not be just limited to the early stages of dating.
Avoidants remain the same in a long term relationship.
They can fluctuate so much, they’ll go from telling you how much they love and appreciate you on one day, to pulling away and needing space on the next!
What’s even worse, avoidants have a tendency to continue testing their partner’s limits by pulling away and letting their doubts and fears sabotage things. So much so, they might even break up for what feels like no good reason.
Loving someone with avoidant attachment is like navigating a maze.
You have to learn to read all their hidden messages and not fall into their traps.
But before going into how to do this, let’s first talk about whether it’s something that is even worth the effort.
Can a Relationship With an Avoidant Ever Work?
When you’re loving someone with avoidant attachment, there might be times when you’ll be wondering:
Why am I even doing this to myself?!
Why am I choosing to be with someone who keeps on pulling away over and over again?
Will this ever change?
I’m here to tell you, that yes it can absolutely change!
A relationship with an avoidant can work.
It is possible to win over your partner’s trust and support them in overcoming their attachment issues, so much so, they’ll become openly grateful, appreciative and committed.
I’ve seen this kind of transformation happen many times.
My then boyfriend, now husband, used to have a lot of traits of avoidant attachment. He had a fear of commitments, needed a lot of space, wasn’t sure he saw a future for us together, and all that changed!
Furthermore, I’ve observed many more avoidant attachment relationship successes among a lot of my coaching clients.
Men who were distant and hesitant to really let their girlfriends into their lives, suddenly changed and didn’t want to go anywhere without them.
The same way, women who kept on pulling away and were unwilling to commit, could suddenly make up their mind and start making a lot more effort.
Getting an avoidant to go through this kind of transformation takes effort though.
And for you to be willing to put in all that work, you have to first know if they really care about you or not.
How Do You Tell if an Avoidant Loves You?
Being able to tell if an avoidant truly loves you is not always easy.
They might tell you that they don’t think they love you as much as you love them.
Or that they’re not sure what their true feelings are.
At the same time, they’ll keep on saying or doing things that completely contradict what they just said…
Don’t let your partner fool you.
A person with avoidant attachment can fall in love. But they won’t be able to express it clearly and openly.
That’s why you’re better off reading between the lines and looking at their actions, rather than listening to what they are saying.
Here you’ll find a list of signs that an avoidant loves you:
1. They Tell You They Love You or Express Their Appreciation
One of the most confusing things a lot of avoidants do is say that they love you, or express how much they value something about you, and then backtrack on it the next day!
This happens because people with avoidant attachment get riddled with doubt.
They might have a brief moment of clarity and getting in touch with their own feelings, but it’s often followed by a flood of panic and fears.
So if your partner expressed their love or appreciation for you and then took it all back, know that they did actually mean it.
This confusing behavior is extremely common!
It’s a definite sign that you’re dealing with an avoidant and that they are falling for you.
2. They Are Considerate or Caring
People with avoidant attachment tend to have an easier time showing you that they love you with actions rather than with words or commitments.
This is why they can act in most considerate of ways:
They’ll make sure you’re feeling good and comfortable. They’ll listen to you about your problems, try to help you out, get you the things you need etc.
But again, they are very likely to play it all down, saying that all their efforts meant nothing and that they would do it for anyone.
When they say this, don’t listen to them.
Someone being considerate and caring towards you is a definite sign of them loving you, no matter what they claim.
When loving someone with avoidant attachment, you need to ignore their words and listen to their actions instead!
3. They’re Affectionate and Seek Physical Closeness
Physical touch is a big way of how a person can express their feelings for somebody else.
For some avoidants it’s easier to connect on a deeper level through physical intimacy.
They might be too doubtful of their own feelings to be able to state them in a conversation. But somehow, expressing them through affection or even sex might be much less of a barrier to them.
So if your partner with avoidant attachment is affectionate towards you or seeks physical closeness and intimacy, consider it a sign that they long to feel close to you because they do actually love you.
4. You Feel Like What You Share Is Special
This is something I’ve known from my own experience, but also heard from countless coaching clients. To you, the relationship might feel extremely special.
Deep down, you know the bond that you share is very strong and meaningful. That having this level of connection is actually extremely rare.
But your partner with avoidant attachment just keeps on playing it down and denying feeling the same way you do. Which inevitably leads you to wonder: am I just imagining it all?
You’re not just imagining it. You can trust your own judgment.
But if your partner reliably keeps on coming back after pulling away, it’s a sign that they are attached and care about you.
An avoidant who loves you will always find their way back to you!
6. They Keep On Trying to Impress You
Avoidants like to play coy. They’re generally not the type of people who make big romantic gestures. But they have other, more covert ways of ensuring that you become and remain crazy about them…
They do it by endlessly trying to impress you.
Everybody has their own ways of going about this:
Some people try to impress their partners with their extensive knowledge base.
Others like to show off their exquisite taste or culinary skills.
Some avoidants will try to impress you by being handy and doing things for you.
While others might try to flex with their expensive gadgets, clothes, tickets that are otherwise hard to get etc.
If your partner with avoidant attachments makes continuous efforts to impress you, it’s a definite sign that they want to keep you interested because they’re in love with you.
7. They’re Keeping You Chasing Them
Last but not least, one of the most common signs of an avoidant loving you is when they make sure that you always keep on chasing them.
They do it by giving you just enough encouragement for you to believe that they do really care about you.
But not quite enough for you to be able to just relax and feel like you’ve got full control over them and the relationship.
They want to keep you on your toes. As long as you’re chasing them, they don’t need to worry about losing you. It’s their way of making sure that you will stick around.
When an avoidant is making you chase them a lot, know that it’s a sign that they are attached and love you.
How Do You Love Someone With Avoidant Attachment?
Loving someone with avoidant attachment is definitely a big challenge. They’ll keep on testing you by pulling away.
On one hand, they’ll be checking what your intentions are and if you’re trying to trap and control them.
And on the other hand, they’ll also need to see that you won’t give up and walk away from them without putting up a fight.
The most difficult part of this whole problem is that they won’t be able to give you that sense of security and stability you might be so desperately needing from them.
At least not directly…
They’ll only leave hints and hope that you can read between the lines and get their message.
So you really have to trust your own gut here. You have to be the emotional compass for both of you.
Avoidants are generally too sacred and doubtful to give you many guarantees.
Pushing them to do so will only backfire. They’ll either pull away or only make you doubt everything more.
So take their words with a grain of salt and look at their actions. That’s where you can find the reassurance and stability you crave and need.
The second big component that can turn your relationship with an avoidant into a success is setting boundaries.
You need to stand up to them and tell them that they can’t endlessly keep on pulling away and testing you.
This way, you can make sure you don’t burn out and let them make you give up.
If you’re struggling because of dating someone with avoidant attachment, check out our new program Attach An Avoidant.
Here, we will help you figure out if you’re just imagining things or if your partner truly cares about you. We’ll also teach you what to do, to get them to stop sabotaging your relationship and pushing you away.
Have you just had some of your hopes shattered or your heart broken for what feels like a millionth time, and it made you wonder:
“Why do I get attached so easily?!”
I am a person who gets attached a lot, and I have a very hard time letting go.
I used to hold onto people and things, feel responsible, take the blame for when something didn’t work out etc…
So I know, from my own personal experience, how difficult of a problem our attachments can become.
On one hand, getting attached can be a sign of great strength. It allows you to build meaningful connections.
But on the other hand, it can also become your greatest weakness.
It might make you let our guard down prematurely and expose yourself to being burned time and time again.
And these kinds of bad experiences will inevitably take a toll on your self-esteem, mental health and overall well-being.
This is why in this blog post I will tell you more about my own journey of why I struggled with getting attached so easily and how I learned to manage it.
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
The number why reason why people can become attached to someone they barely know is because of all the false preconceptions about love we’re being fed all the time.
Books, movies, series and even other people sell this idea that when you meet the one, you instantly feel the spark and know that this is the person you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.
In reality, love doesn’t work this way at all.
You can absolutely feel attracted to someone at first sight! But it takes time to get to know someone enough, for real feelings to develop between the two of you.
You can’t truly love someone you don’t really know.
If you fall in love fast and easily, chances are, rather than taking your time to get to know your crush, you’re creating an idea of who this person is in your head.
Unfortunately, doing this is a recipe for disaster.
It’s like driving blindfolded, hoping that the road ahead is straight and clear.
And it never is…
I used to think in those terms too and kept on making this very mistake over and over again.
I had to learn how to recognize the signs of true love, to be actually able to finally meet my soulmate and make things work with him.
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you were never taught how to actually build trust.
Much like when it comes to love, there are also a lot of false preconceptions about how trust works too!
In fact, most people tend to mistake trust for blind faith.
This is why they so often say things like “I just need you to trust me” or “why can’t you just trust me?”
Truth of this matter is, trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
And you can’t make yourself feel something.
One of the shocking discoveries I’ve made on my journey of fixing my own attachment style was that I actually had a lot of trust issues.
What’s more, I was trying to simply override them the whole time, all by jumping into commitments blindly.
Because of this, I never got a chance to build real trust and inevitably ended up becoming anxious, desperate and needy.
Becoming aware of, and overcoming your trust issues, might be the very thing you need to do, to stop yourself from getting attached too quickly.
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
Another reason why you might be getting attached so easily, could be because maybe you’re just so eager to get people to become attached to you too.
A lot of us do vulnerable things in the hopes of our efforts being reciprocated.
I used to hope that me being open, giving and caring will ensure that people will treat me the same way I treated them. I would start liking someone quickly, hoping that it will make them like me back.
Unfortunately, this was not always the case.
I would put myself out there, only for my vulnerability to just get exploited.
What’s more, you can’t control other people’s feelings.
Which brings me to the next point…
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you’re trying to create a very particular outcome.
This used to be the case for me.
I was so invested into the whole true love narrative, it led me to become insecure and controlling.
I had a very clear idea of how relationships should unfold, and I was trying to push things that way.
But just like you can’t make someone feel a certain way, the same way, you can’t force them to commit.
What’s more, trying to do so will eventually drive them away.
So if you find yourself becoming clingy so fast, consider you might be trying to control the situation and the outcome of your relationship.
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
There is actually a flip side to this whole dynamic…
This is something I first realized in my own relationship, but also observed among a lot of our coaching clients.
There are two sides to every story.
The reason you might be falling in love and getting attached so easily, is because you keep on picking partners who are making you chase them all the time.
Or they were giving you all these signals of how much they care about you, only to then ask for space.
They’re hot and cold. Giving you mixed messages. Leaving you doubtful and confused.
If this is the case, keep in mind that they wanted you to get attached and are now keeping you hooked.
Is It Normal to Get Attached to Someone Quickly?
Now that you have a better understanding of why people get attached fast, you might still be wondering: is being easily attached bad?
The unfortunate answer is, yes, generally speaking, it is bad.
It’s not normal to let yourself be this vulnerable right away.
Even though it might feel good, opening yourself up and letting yourself get invested fast is setting yourself up for being hurt.
You need to give yourself time to get to know the person you’re with, build trust with them, and give them room to go at their own pace.
As you go through these stages, you’ll find yourself gradually getting more and more attached in a deep and fulfilling way.
But do we choose who and when we fall in love with, you might ask…
I used to think in those terms too. But it only made me feel and act as though I was a victim of the circumstances I was in.
The thing is, even though we do not have control over our feelings, we have the ability to question limiting beliefs that are hurting us.
You have to be willing to see that you might be stuck in an unhealthy emotional attachment. Which is a way of getting attached that results in a lot of pain and drives people away from you.
Once you see it in this new perspective, that’s when you’ll be able to put things into question and regain control over when and how fast you fall in love. I’ll go more into this in my next point:
How Do I Stop Getting Attached So Quickly?
The secret to stopping yourself from getting attached so easily is not to try to resist it or control it, but by questioning the beliefs that are making you act this way.
These are the five reasons why you get attached so easily:
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
Getting attached so fast is not normal and will only make you get hurt over and over again. What’s more, you can’t make others become attached to you, no matter how hard you try.
You need to truly realize this in order to be able to regain control over your love life.
You can stop yourself from being needy and desperate when you truly see there is no need for it and that it’s never going to get you the results you were hoping for.
Furthermore, you have to protect yourself and put your own well-being first.
Someone who truly loves and cares about you will respect this and continue pursuing you, even when you’re more doubtful and aren’t chasing them the whole time.
If you’ve been struggling with getting attached too fast so much, that it still ends up sabotaging your love life, this is something either my husband or I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, we will give you the right kind of reassurance, so that you can calm down and let things unfold at their own pace.
We will also tell you what you can do, to flip the dynamic in your relationship. This way, you can get your significant other to chase you for a change.
How can you tell if a guy is hurting after a breakup?
Men can act in the weirdest of ways when they are hurt. Plus, they are often also not the best at showing and communicating their true feelings.
From countless stories women shared with me in emails, comments and coaching calls, I know how confusing guys can be after a breakup.
On one hand, he might make you feel like his mind is all made up and this is what he truly wants.
But at the same time, some of the things he says and does just don’t add up!
I’ve experienced this myself first hand too, when my then ex and now husband (yes, we got back together) started blaming me for not wanting to see him a day after he broke up with me.
Guys’ behaviors after a breakup often don’t make any sense at all. It’s because they themselves DON’T know what they’re doing.
This is why you need to keep a cool head and read between the lines.
In this article, I’ll help you identify the signs that your ex-boyfriend is hurting after the breakup and what it means for your relationship.
1. He Doesn’t Reach Out to You
One of the most common signs a guy is hurting after a breakup is when he doesn’t reach out to you at all.
He doesn’t write you messages, doesn’t call, maybe he doesn’t even react to your posts or stories.
But he hasn’t unfriended or blocked you.
Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s a sign he doesn’t care after the breakup and is moving on already.
If you guys broke up only a few days or weeks ago, he can’t possibly be over you just yet.
Feelings for someone can’t just vanish from one day onto the next.
Your ex not reaching out is much more likely a sign that he is hurting because of something you said or did and is now giving you the silent treatment.
Another typical way in which guys try to communicate that they are hurting after a breakup by acting extra distant and reserved.
Make no mistake, guys do generally go cold after a breakup. It’s completely normal if things cool off between the two of you to some degree. After all, you’re no longer together.
But there is a difference between having some healthy amount of space and independence, and someone acting super cold and reserved towards you.
Maybe he believes you really hurt him. Maybe he doesn’t trust you anymore and is trying to protect himself from falling for you again.
Regardless of what his reasons for treating you this way are, him staying extremely distant and reserved is a sign he is hurting after the breakup.
3. He Acts as Though He Doesn’t Care About the Breakup
This is another one of these classic confusing male behaviors:
Has your ex made it out as though the breakup didn’t affect him at all?
That he is at peace with everything, is enjoying his single life and wants you to find happiness too.
He might be even encouraging you to move on and start dating someone else!
Well, don’t fall for it. It’s all a bluff.
Why do guys so often act like they don’t care after a breakup?
It’s because they are so afraid of you abandoning them, that they’ll try to preempt the strike and make it out as though it was their choice.
In other words, “him giving you his blessing” is an attempt to maintain control over you and your dating life.
If your ex has been acting this way, it’s a definite sign he is missing you already and hurting after the breakup.
This is a rather straightforward one, yet many women find even this one confusing.
If your ex has been posting sunset photos, lonely landscapes, sad quotes, songs about heartbreak and disappointment, etc. make no mistake, they are meant for you to see.
He is trying to communicate things to you indirectly.
Not only is this a sign he is heartbroken over you, but also that he is missing you and thinking of you.
What makes this one confusing is that it will make you think:
“If he is so sad about the breakup, why doesn’t he just get back together with me already?!”
The thing is, this kind of indirect communication often happens when your ex broke up with you due to his fears and commitment issues, or if he was manipulated into doing it by somebody else.
He is hurting after the breakup, but likely still believes it was justified or inevitable.
5. He Is Irritable or Defensive Every Time You Talk
Your ex reacting defensively to everything you say and do is another obvious sign that he is hurting after the breakup.
Yet many women find this one hard to read too.
After all, him being so hostile and difficult might make you feel like he just doesn’t care about you at all anymore.
It’s true, he probably doesn’t have much room for where you’re at the moment, but that’s because he is just too hurt and heartbroken.
What’s more, he is endlessly provoking you to get you to come his way and show him that you care about him.
He is definitely still hurting after the breakup. Think about it, if your ex was truly done with you, he would make an effort to be more distant and civil.
6. He Throws Himself Into a Rebound Relationship Right Away
How do men fix a broken heart?
One of the easiest and fastest ways of relieving the pain of rejection and heartbreak is by finding someone else who can fill that void.
What better way to feel loved and appreciated than to start with a fresh slate. It can be like a band-aid for his broken heart.
If your ex moved on and got together with someone new almost right after your breakup, it’s a definite sign that he is still hurting and very desperate.
He is so afraid of being lonely and unloved, he can’t handle being single.
If you’re in this very situation, you might be wondering: how can you know if your ex is happy without you? And how do you know he is not coming back?
Much like, sticking a band-aid on doesn’t actually heal the wound. Jumping into a rebound doesn’t actually help you get over heartbreak.
He is likely still hurting about the things he was needing from you, you couldn’t give him. So no, he probably isn’t happy, even if he is making it out as though he is.
Whether he is coming back or not, depends on whether you leave room for him to do so, and also on how viable of a relationship his rebound actually is.
How Do You Know if He Still Loves You After a Break-Up?
Now that you know if your ex is hurting after the breakup or not, the next big question you might have is whether his feelings for you are still there…
Let me put you at ease, right away:
Yes, he most likely still loves you!
People can’t help but get attached to the person they are with. Moreover, we don’t have control over our own feelings.
Much like you can’t make yourself stop caring about him, he can’t force himself to stop caring about you.
The only things that can eventually make the two of you drift apart completely are: distance and time.
Most women I talk to in coaching calls are always shocked by how long it actually takes for a guy to heal after a breakup.
The rule of thumb here is: your ex will need approximately the same amount of time he spent with you, to fully get over you.
So if you guys have been together for six months, you can expect him to need six months to let go of you.
And if your relationship lasted five years, he will need about five years to really recover from the breakup.
Our attachments run very deep (deeper than most of us are willing to admit). This is why it takes this long for a man to get over a broken heart.
What’s more, throughout all this transition period, his feelings for you will remain there (at least to some degree).
How Long Does It Take a Guy to Realize He Misses You After a Breakup?
It’s all well and good to realize that he is hurting after the breakup, and that he most likely still loves you.
But, if this is all the case, why did he even do this? Isn’t he heartbroken too? How do guys feel after they break up with someone?
Even though men generally start hurting almost right away after the breakup, the full impact of it doesn’t really hit the male dumper quite as much as it did you.
He is most likely sad and missing you, but he doesn’t feel nearly as hurt and abandoned as you might feel right now.
This is mostly, because he is the one pulling the strings and believes he could get you back anytime, if he changed his mind.
Getting a guy to realize what he just lost is actually trickier than we’re led to believe.
They can be very stubborn and set in their ways. This is why chasing them too much only drives them further away.
At the same time, men are insecure and don’t like losing control over their partner. This is why suddenly rejecting him or blocking him can also seriously backfire.
If you need more help navigating this confusing situation, we can help you get through this with our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, you’ll find ways to know sure that you’re not just imagining things, and that he isn’t over you just yet.
We’ll also give you a step-by-step plan on what to say and do, to get him to come back to you as soon as possible.
If you’re asking yourself this very question, chances are a man you like hasn’t been giving you much attention lately…
Maybe things were going well initially. You guys had a good rapport, and he was giving you all the right signals.
But then he suddenly became more distant, started taking forever to reply or giving you one word answers.
Maybe things became so bad, it made you wonder: will he even care if I don’t text him anymore?
Guys’ can be so tiresome!
They love playing hard to get, by acting distant and unavailable.
But at the same time, in some cases, their silence and resistance are subtle ways of communicating that they’re not really into you.
In this post, I will help you make sense of men’s strange texting behaviors. I will also give you some tips on how to respond in a way that will make him more interested in you.
But before getting into any more details, let me first give you a one clear answer to your first burning question:
Yes, guys absolutely notice when you stop texting them.
You see, when a man receives a lot of texts from a woman, he knows it’s a sign that she is interested in him.
Deep down, everybody enjoys receiving attention, it’s flattering and makes him feel better about himself.
So when the source of all that validation suddenly vanishes because you stopped chasing him, he will notice it.
Whether he will really care about it or not, that’s a whole different story…
Do Guys Care if You Stop Talking To Them
The answer to this question is pretty straightforward:
A guy who is genuinely interested in you will care if you stop texting him.
Even if you’ve been overtexting him so much so, he was getting slightly annoyed with everything you’ve been needing from him lately.
Still, if he really likes you, he will become at least a little unsettled when you’re suddenly not talking to him anymore.
That’s because deep down he was enjoying it and liked the feeling of having you crush on him so hard.
At the same time, a guy who isn’t interested in you will not really care if you stop talking to him.
Or maybe he has a hard time saying ‘no’ and was just being polite until now.
Either way, a guy who isn’t into you might even feel relieved when you stop chasing him.
Should I Stop Texting Him to Get His Attention?
Now you know that guys do notice when you stop texting them. You also know that them caring about it fully depends on whether they like you or not.
This is where we can start discussing how to play this out strategically, so that you can get him to respond and pay attention to you.
So does not texting a guy back make him want you more?
You can probably guess the answer to this one already.
A guy who just isn’t into you is not going to want you more when you don’t text him back.
He doesn’t really care and isn’t seriously interested, so you not replying isn’t going to change this and suddenly get his attention.
It’s a lost cause and a waste of time. Best just move on.
A guy who is interested in you, on the other hand, he will definitely feel unsettled when you don’t text him back.
After all, he was enjoying having you around and giving him all the validation.
So when the source of all those good feelings vanishes out of the blue because you stopped texting him, that will get his attention.
He will start worrying if you changed your mind about him and is going to try to do something to get you hooked again.
There is one exception to this rule, though.
Things might work a little different if the guy you’re dating is emotionally unavailable.
These kinds of men have an extra hard time showing their true feelings and risking getting hurt.
They might take you not texting them as a rejection, and only pull away more as a result of it. They will feel insecure, believe you don’t really care and that you are anyway better off without them.
You need to stop chasing him, in order to see where he truly stands. If he cares about you, he will miss you and reach out.
If he doesn’t, you won’t hear from him for a while.
Beware, he might get back in touch with you a few weeks or even months further down the line and pretend as though the falling out never happened. Ghosters do have the tendency to come back.
But there is no point for you to waste your time on someone who isn’t serious and wants to just drop in and out of your life, no strings attached and no explanation.
You deserve so much more than this! Plus, your time will be better spend finding the right guy instead.
I Stopped Texting Him and Haven’t Heard From Him
I know that being so clear and decisive is much easier said than done.
Maybe things felt really special between you and this guy, so much so, you even wonder:
So if you stopped texting a guy, and you haven’t heard from him, that’s most likely a sign that he isn’t really serious about you.
It takes a certain degree of maturity to really commit and build a happy relationship.
A lot of people out there just aren’t there yet.
Maybe he did like you, but isn’t mature enough to really let you in and put in the work…
But if you really want to make sure you gave this relationship all you’ve got, you can always wait a little, then get back in touch with him to see if he is more responsive or not.
Sometimes, just giving him space isn’t enough to get a guy to make more effort. You have to drag him out of his hole afterwards, too!
But if you try again and still he either takes forever to reply, gives you one word answers or doesn’t respond at all, that’s a definite sign for you to just move on onto something better.
If after reading all this, you still feel unsure about your situation, this is something I could help you figure out in a coaching call.
Here you could tell me more about what happened between the two of you and how it came to this. Then together we would come up with other things you can do to get his attention and make him want you more.
This way, you can be absolutely certain that you did all you could to save your relationship.
But in the first years of our relationship when I broke up with her, I was SO PRETENDING to be over her.
Even to myself.
But the truth was that I really didn’t want her to move on.
So if you think your ex is pretending to be over you, look out for the following signs to know for sure:
7 Signs Your Ex Is Pretending to Be Over You
1. Your Ex Stays in Touch With You
They tell you, “It’s over, we broke up.” -But then make sure you’re not losing contact?
They might even say things like “I want us to be friends”. These are all typical behaviors that are meant to just keep up appearances.
Whether it’s over calls, texts, email or any other form of communication.
Staying in touch is a way of keeping tabs on you to assure themselves that you’re STILL attached to them.
2. Your Ex Expresses Anger About Your Breakup
If your ex openly shows you that they’re upset or angry about your relationship ending, it’s a sign that your ex is bitter and that they’re only pretending to be over you so that you come chasing after them.
Because if they were truly moving on, they would pack up their emotions too and move them to the next relationship.
Your ex expressing their frustration is them still desperately hoping they can mend things with you.
That you’ll finally be able to give them what they needed, so the breakup can be undone.
3. Your Ex Still Meets You
This was a signature move of mine when I broke up with Karolina.
“Yeah, we’re totally broken up, but do you want to meet for a coffee tomorrow?”
It’s a common behavior with an ex that is pretending to be over you.
They’ll insist that you’re not longer an item, but will want to hang out and do things as though you were still together.
And yes, you are right. It makes absolutely NO SENSE.
So count this as another sign.
4. Your Ex Is Interested in Who You’re Meeting
“Oh, you have plans? Who’s coming? Someone I don’t know? What do you mean, they asked for your number?”
These are all signs that they are still jealous and trying to make sure that you don’t move on.
So if they’re taking keen interest in knowing what’s happening in your social life, consider it another sign that your ex is only pretending to be over you, but just won’t admit it.
5. Your Ex Reacts on Your Social Media
Another one of the telltale signs of your ex thinking about you, is that they react on your social media accounts.
I mean, think about it, if they were over you, they wouldn’t be giving you attention and showing that they care about what’s going on in your life online.
They would be busy, moving on and trying to limit all contact with you.
But if your ex is sending you snaps, liking or commenting on your posts, they’re clearly only pretending to be over you, and it’s a definite way to know that your ex STILL CARES.
6. Your Ex Flirts With You
Another typical thing an ex does when they’re only pretending to be over you is FLIRTING.
I did the same with Karolina. Sending flirty texts and saying things to make her laugh and blush. So that she wouldn’t get tangled up with someone else.
Even though I was the one who ended things and didn’t want to get back together, I was still trying to keep her interested in me this way.
So pay less attention to what your ex is saying and more to what they’re DOING.
And if they’re flirting with you, it’s a way of knowing that your ex is trying to get your attention and that they’re definitely just pretending to be over you.
7. Your Ex Makes Sure You Still Have Some of Each Others Things
They may ask for certain things back and insist that you take some of your stuff from their place.
But if they’re holding onto (or insisting you keep) a few items that are meaningful to them, then this is another sign your ex is only pretending to be over you.
Because this is a great way of ensuring your connection remains and isn’t entirely severed.
JUST IN CASE, your ex changes their mind, and they want to get back together with you.
Questions You Might Have About Your Ex
Breakups are confusing, even after reading this post, you might be left feeling dazzled.
(Who wouldn’t after all the mixed messages and signs from an ex?)
But if you still have unanswered questions, maybe you’ll find the following helpful.
I’ve collected and listed the questions we receive the most frequently from you guys online and in our comments, emails and coaching calls.
So I hope these give you some answers.
How do you know if your ex secretly wants you back?
It’s always tricky to know if your ex has truly moved on and is gone for good, or if they secretly want you back.
Some ways to know is that they’ll respond to your texts right away and tell you that they miss you.
If you feel that you’ve tried everything in your power to make things work with them, but they constantly reject and ignore you, it’s likely time to give up on your ex.
Also, it’ll be doing you more harm than good, and you don’t need to put yourself through that any longer.
Time and space will help you clear your head and mend your heart.
When a relationship is really over, sometimes that kind of break helps both people want to give it another shot further down the line.
How do you know if your ex is testing you?
Some ways to tell if your ex regrets breaking up with you and is just testing you is that they won’t reach out for a few days to see what you do.
They’ll also indirectly pursue you, without wanting to commit.What’s important is to watch out for the additional signs of your ex testing you and know how to pass them!
Now, if you really want to make sure everything goes according to plan so that you get your ex back, we can help you with Ex Back Coaching.
In an ex back coaching call, you’ll tell us your story and based on that we’ll create a strategy for you to get your ex back that specifically targets their weakness for you.
We’ll give you tips on what to say and do, to draw them back in and get them to want to commit to you again.
Blocking a guy will almost always have a very significant impact on him.But whether it’s the kind of effect you’re hoping to achieve is another question…
Here I want to take a moment to share a very important message with you guys.
I know that no-contact rule is a very popular method of getting your ex back, and that blocking him is often recommended as a part of it.
The thing is, hundreds of women shared their stories with us in our comments section, emails and in coaching sessions, and not a single one of them successfully got her ex-boyfriend back by blocking him.
What’s more, it can seriously backfire and might even completely sabotage your chances for getting him to want to talk to you again.
With this post, I want to explain why blocking a guy is such a risky step and how exactly it can unfold.
The best way to do that is by first describing the 5 things a guy will feel when he realizes you blocked him:
1. He Will Feel Hurt About You Blocking Him
First and foremost, a guy will feel hurt when he realizes you blocked him. Blocking someone or even unfriending them on social media is an act of active rejection.
And being rejected HURTS.
When a person he cares about is the one rejecting him, it will hurt him even more.
So be careful when you decide to do it, because it will have some very serious implications for this relationship. I’ll explain this more in detail later on in this post.
2. He Will Feel Confused as to Why You Did It
If you think that the act of blocking a guy will finally make it clear to him how he’s been hurting you, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news here…
…that’s not what’ll happen.
Hardly anybody ever hurts other people on purpose.
But if you’re on the verge of blocking him, chances are he has been blind to your pain for a while now.
In situations like this, if he’s been treating you badly in any way, shape or form, he most likely doesn’t realize he has been doing it.
Maybe he is blind to his own behavior. Perhaps he considers it normal and even good.
Either way, he doesn’t know he was doing something wrong, and the simple act of blocking him will not make him see it.
On the contrary, when he realizes you blocked him, he will remain confused as to why you took this step and will most likely rationalize it as you being unreasonable or overreacting.
3. He Will Feel Mad About It
Now you know that in most cases, a guy won’t understand why you blocked him.
But he will feel hurt and rejected by you putting him through this.
I know this might be extremely frustrating to hear. After all, he is the one who has been hurting you this whole time. Unfortunately, he doesn’t see things your way…
No matter how unfair his reaction might seem to you, he will most likely just feel mad at you for putting him through this.
4. He Will Feel Sad That You Blocked Him
Maybe that headline gave you some comfort.
Finally, some reaction related to what you’ve been hoping to achieve!
Well, don’t get your hopes up just yet. It’s not what you think.
Yes, he will feel sad about losing you, and he will miss you. He might even reflect on some of his behaviors he knows were wrong.
But all that sadness will be heavily overshadowed by his wounded pride and shattered ego.
You see, most people don’t respond well to rejection.
Especially men, who are often spoiled by women endlessly chasing them and trying to get through their walls of emotional unavailability.
Because of this, rather than reflecting on his own mistakes and the role he played in making this happen, he will feel sad that you didn’t really love him and regretful that you didn’t care about him more.
5. He Will Feel Resentful Towards You for Blocking Him
I can imagine that by now you feel like things can’t possibly get any worse. How is it possible that we would be so thick and self-centered!
The thing is, rejection often brings up the worst in us.
All the grudges and sulking are his self-defense mechanisms. It’s his way of protecting himself from feeling broken and undesirable.
I know this probably doesn’t feel fair towards you at all. And It isn’t! It’s all just his emotional reactions.
So let’s finally get to the end of this unpleasant and most likely utterly disappointing journey…
Once his initial response has finally cooled off a little, it’s going to make way for some deeper and more long-lasting feelings.
So, because he doesn’t understand your reasons for blocking him, he will most likely resent you for rejecting him this way.
But, unlike all the other feelings that might subside and vanish with time, this one is here to stay.
Even if you guys get back together after you’ve blocked him, his resentment remains an unresolved issue between the two of you.
Now that you know how a guy feels when you block him, let’s talk about the other side of the story.
What are you feeling, and where are you coming from?
So, there are two main reasons why women decide to block a guy they once cared about:
1. They had enough and are genuinely wanting to move on from this relationship.
2. They want to make him care and get him to come back.
In both of these cases, blocking tends to have the opposite effect of what the person doing it is trying to achieve.
I know, this must be frustrating to hear, but let me explain…
If you want to genuinely move on from a relationship, chances are you’ve already been distancing yourself from your ex.
So when you block him, he knows that you mean it.
This is why it might actually make him panic and scramble.
He will likely try to reach you through other channels to explain himself. He might even plead and do everything he can to convince you to change your mind.
But if you’re blocking him in order to get him back after he broke up with you or ignored you, chances are you’ve been chasing him and trying to get through to him prior to this step.
That’s why he will suspect that you’re blocking him for an effect.
In this case, he will most likely act as though he doesn’t care and won’t try to contact you.
Will He Miss Me if I Block Him
Now, that you get the general picture of all the psychological effects blocking has on a guy, I want to address some common questions you guys have asked me in your comments and in our coaching calls:
Will he miss me if I block him?
Will he reach out if I block him?
Should I block him to get him back?
The thing is, our intentions come through in our actions and choices we make.
That’s how a guy will know where you’re coming from when you’re blocking him, and whether you really mean it or not.
So again, if you do genuinely want to move on, he will miss you if you block him, he will most likely try to reach out and will try to get you back.
But, if you’re only doing it in order to get him to care and get back together with you, it will probably backfire.
He will remain distant and cold, he will pretend he doesn’t care and won’t contact you.
Should I Block Him or Just Ignore Him?
I imagine you’re pretty disappointed after reading all of this. But I want to finally offer you some reassurance.
There is a way to play this out so that you can get your point across!
If your intentions are to actually get him to care about you again, simply ignoring him might be a much safer bet.
If you want to move on from a guy, blocking him will make it easier for you to do so.
Blocking someone does help you get over them.
You won’t have to wonder if he will reach out or not. You’ve made up your mind and closed that chapter yourself.
It’s over and done with.
By blocking him, you’ll be sending him a very strong message that you’re not interested anymore.
Even though he might rebel against it in the beginning, try to find other ways to contact you and get you to reconsider your position. All you have to do is stay strong and don’t let him override your boundaries.
He will get the message eventually and will leave you alone.
Don’t worry about being rude towards him.
Especially if you’re blocking him because he hurt you.
Yes, blocking someone is a bit rude, but so is hurting a person.
You have every right to set boundaries and defend yourself in whichever way works for you. You have to put yourself first, it’s ok to do so!
Conclusion
If you’re considering blocking a guy or even just unfriending him, you’re most likely hurt about something he did or the way he’s been treating you.
You’re probably hoping that going to these lengths will finally make him understand you and why you’re doing this.
Unfortunately, blocking someone tends to have the opposite of the desired effect.
If you’re hoping to get him to come back this way, beware, it will only most likely push him further away.
And if you’re trying to move on and are doing it to make it clear to him that you’re over him, prepare yourself for his initial resistance.
Regardless of where you’re coming from and what you’re hoping to achieve by blocking him, know that he will feel hurt, confused, mad, sad and resentful towards you.
It will have a long term implication on your relationship, so don’t take this lightly and really think it through before doing it.
At the same time, there is no need to wait or worry about being rude towards him.
It’s ok to block a guy to protect yourself from him hurting you again!
If you need more help with figuring out your situation, if there is a chance to get him back, or if it’s better for you to just move on, this is something I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your story and will help you make sense of your ex’s mixed messages and confusing behaviors.
I’ll also give you tips on what to do, to actually get him to do what you want.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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