How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship

How Often Do Couples Fight in a Healthy Relationship

Photo by Afif Kusuma

Since you’re asking, how often do couples fight, you’re likely in the same position we were once in:

You’re fighting too often, feel frustrated (maybe even given up), and want to know what a ‘normal amount’ of fighting in a relationship actually is.

If so, then you’re in the right place.

Karolina and I used to fight A LOT in our relationship. Like too much.

Honestly, it was absolutely exhausting.

We both felt so drained with the repeating arguments.

And fighting for HOURS on end seemed to go nowhere and only left us feeling even worse and discouraged about the future of our relationship…

But more on that later.

Let’s first get to that burning question of yours, ‘How often do couples fight?’

To be clear, when we say “Fight” we mean an emotional, often heated argument.

So we’re not talking about small disagreements over who’s getting the milk today or briefly bickering over what series to watch.

I mean ACTUAL arguments that leave you feeling bitter, hurt or angry.

Now that that’s clarified, based on working with our clients and the thousands of emails and comments we get from you guys:

On average, couples fight 1 to 3 times per week.

Which means couples fight as often as 130 times in a year.

But that might not help you much…

Since you’re likely here, because you want to fight LESS in your relationship.

That’s the goal, right?

So let’s figure out how to do that, and along the way we’ll answer the questions we’ve heard from all of you:

  • Is fighting necessary in a relationship?
  • What is a healthy amount of fighting?
  • And finally, How do I stop fighting with my partner?

Is Fighting Necessary in a Relationship

The short answer is: Yes, fighting is often necessary for couples.

Why?

Because a relationship is two people that are doing their best to support, love and take care of each other’s needs…

AND we’re all pretty terrible at communicating & negotiating our needs.

So instead of having a courteous exchange and compromising where necessary, things tend to escalate into full-blown fights, fueled by misunderstanding, fear and buried trauma.

So fighting is the NEXT BEST THING we do, to try and have our needs met in a relationship…

Even if it sometimes raises concerns about whether it’s maybe a love-hate relationship.

Now, you might also be wondering if there are couples who never fight?

And yes, there are.

But the couples who never fight, are unfortunately also often the very ones who make the mistake of believing that not quarrelling means that everything is okay.

They later experience breakups that seemingly come out of nowhere!

Which is sad, because their relationship could have been fixed sooner.

But given that their true feelings were swept under the rug for TOO LONG, it turns out one (or both) partners were secretly terribly unhappy for years.

I can’t begin to tell you how many of our coaching calls have revolved around this very issue.

So a relationship without arguments is rarely healthy; not fighting does NOT necessarily equal a happy couple.

When a couple fights, they typically have better chances of staying together, because they’re at least trying to talk about their unmet needs.

Which means even happy couples can have phases of often fighting in their relationships.

Having said all of that, it doesn’t mean you can’t reduce the amount of fighting and HOW you fight in your relationship to make it more bearable!

What Is a Healthy Amount of Fighting in a Relationship

So if you’re in a situation that has you asking whether it’s normal to fight every day in a relationship, the answer is: No, fighting every day is not normal and definitely on the intense side.

But if you’re both working through some bigger issues or challenges, and you’re fighting every day for just one week, that’s understandable!

(Be sure to say these phrases to smoothen things out afterwards)

When Karolina and I made big life-changing decisions (Like transitioning from our old jobs to working on our blog full-time) we also had a more intense phase of fighting, which gradually died out as our lives stabilized again.

And that is what your own fighting pattern might sometimes look like too.

You have a few months of peaceful harmony, followed by a week or two of fighting more often.

And depending on how big the issue is that you’re working through, a relationship fight can last from an hour, to as long as a few days!

But the best way to know how often you should be fighting with your partner, is to think of it in terms of ratio instead of time.

(Because it’s not always the same, some months you’ll fight less and others more)

This means that it’s not about the hours or days you spend fighting, but how much of your overall time is spent fighting, vs. how often you’re enjoying each other’s company:

An average healthy amount of fighting in a relationship is anything up to 25% of your time together.

So that the remaining 75% is then about all the good stuff, like going on dates, connecting, having fun, even taking on life together with shared responsibilities!

…Now, some of you might be thinking:

If the amount of fighting is far above 25%, should you quit a relationship?

And the answer is not necessarily.

You don’t need to end a relationship if you’re fighting a lot.

Because issues can be worked out, and you can learn to talk to your partner in ways that don’t keep things calm.

If you’re concerned that your relationship might be truly toxic though, then you might want to read our post: 
5 Things 
That Need 
to Change 
for a Toxic
 Relationship
 to Get Better.

How Do I Stop Fighting With My Partner

So far we’ve talked about how arguing is often necessary in relationships because it’s how we try to express and have our needs met.

It’s not perfect, but it’s typically the best we can do at the time!

We’ve also covered how often you should be fighting in a range that is still considered healthy, which is no more than a ¼ of your time.

Now, in order to stop fighting with your partner (or dramatically reduce fighting), you need to have a new mindset about conflicts and learn some powerful relationship skills.

Starting with:

1. Improve Your Communication Skills

Yes, the age-old cliché.

You’ve heard it often before, and I guarantee it won’t be the last time.

Because being able to communicate in a way that makes your partner listen is one of the best first steps you can take to reduce how often you have disagreements with them.

Many people just argue the way they saw their parents do it, and that remains the unquestioned standard throughout their lives.

But our parents didn’t have it all figured out.

There’s plenty of room to grow, even if it’s just a few minutes spent on learning easy 3 communication hacks.

Little efforts towards skills like these will already help couples reduce how frequently they fight.

2. Identify the Root Cause

When couples fight, they often get stuck in shallow arguments and never identify the root cause (The underlying problem that is actually creating the argument!)

It might often start with you feeling upset about something and you try to express it.

Your partner takes it personally and gets upset about what you expressed.

Which in turn upsets you, because you don’t feel understood and he’s gone and made it about himself again!

And on and on it goes…

Things gradually escalate until emotions are running so high, that you’re either screaming at each other or silently brooding.

And even though an hour or more might have passed, there’s still NO RESOLUTION!

Everybody is just frustrated, angry and hurt.

This is because the attention was on the surface problems. (and often trying to ‘win’ the fight or ‘be right’)

But if you can redirect your focus on identifying the root cause which is driving the argument, you can stop fighting much sooner and actually solve it!

For example, once when we were travelling, Karolina asked if she could take a nap while I drove. I said of course, but while she was asleep, I missed our exit on the highway, which caused a whopping 1-hour detour.

We fought about it and got nowhere, until we started focusing on identifying the root cause.

And it turned out that it was actually about Karolina feeling like she couldn’t relax and trust anyone but herself with responsibility.

She felt alone with it and was afraid that she always had to stay alert and couldn’t trust others.

Root cause: Her need for feeling safe was not met.

3. Address the Root Cause

Once this was clear, we could focus on and address her unmet need instead of endlessly blaming and arguing with each other.

We could finally SOLVE the fight.

Phew, what a relief!

So we had a long discussion about Karolina’s unmet need and found ways to help her feel more safe.

She was happy, I was happy and we could get back to enjoying our trip.

In conclusion, if you take this kind of approach, you won’t fight as often.

You’ll also save yourself the pain and won’t have to walk away from an argument feeling hurt or defeated.

Honestly, these arguments were such a pain for us, they actually lead to multiple breakups. But once we understood the underlying mechanism driving our fights, things started to work for us.

And because we saw so many couples struggling with the same patterns, it actually motivated us to create our Rebuild Your Relationship course.

Here, we show you the exact steps we took to stop fighting in our own relationship and teach the true-and-tried methods we both apply in our relationship to this day.

We break down why fights happen and how to get to the root cause fast. So that you can dramatically reduce how often you argue and enjoy your time together instead.

If that sounds like something that can help you, be sure to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

Otherwise, there are plenty of other posts on our blog that you can browse to inform yourself about all sorts of relationship topics, including one you might find relevant: Your Boyfriend Fights With You on Every Small Issue? Here Is What to Do!

Got any questions that remain unanswered? Let me know in the comments section!

Gabriel

9 Signs Your Ex Is Waiting for You and Secretly Wants You Back

9 Signs Your Ex Is Waiting for You and Secretly Wants You Back

Photo by Chermiti Mohamed

Breakups almost never feel like a definite end of a relationship.

When you’re together with someone, you inevitably become attached and develop a connection and that’s something that can’t just vanish from one moment onto the next.

If your boyfriend recently broke up with you, or you were the one to break up but regret it, know that this feeling you likely have: that things are not over yet, is right!

It takes months if not years to truly let go and move on. And through all that time a window of opportunity for reconciliation and fixing things often remains open.

My boyfriend and co-author of this blog broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. After every one of these breakups we ended up getting back together in about a month. And I know from all of you guys just how common these kinds of situations are!

Couples break up but things don’t end there. They keep on texting, seeing each other and either things fizzle out slowly or they end up getting back together.

Of course, to make a relationship work after a breakup, both sides need to want it and this is not always the case.

That’s why I’ve compiled a list of signs to help you know if your ex secretly wants you back and is waiting for you to make the next move.

1. He Left His Things at Your Place and Isn’t in a Hurry to Pick Them Up

When a guy breaks up, women generally expect that he really means it. That’s why they are then often baffled when he then leaves many of his things at their place for weeks or even months after the breakup.

Sometimes this can even include really important personal items like documents, spare keys etc. But it can also be smaller, less important stuff like clothes or electric toothbrushes…

So if you still have your ex’s stuff lying around at your place know it’s not because he just forgot about it.

He is leaving it there on purpose because it gives him a sense of ‘emotional security’ to have things still connecting you two, as though you were still together in some way.

It’s a definite sign that he isn’t over you yet and is waiting for you to see where you really stand and what you’ll do.

2. He Still Has Your Things at His Place and Isn’t Trying to Give Them Back

Much like in the case of him leaving his stuff at your place, him keeping your things isn’t accidental.

It’s not that he just forgot about them or just doesn’t care to arrange to give them all back.

To him, keeping your stuff is even more of a ‘security’! Not only does it give him the feeling of having a connection with you, but it’s also a guarantee that he’ll get to see you at least once again.

Him holding onto your stuff is a sure sign that he is waiting for you and secretly wants you back but wont straight up admit it!

3. He Keeps on Texting or Calling You as Though You Were Still Together

This is another classic behaviour so many of you have told me about: a guy breaks up with you but then continues acting as though you were still together.

This might mean regular texting and phone calls or even arranging to see you or go on dates with you.

This was actually the case with Gabriel and me too! The third time he broke up with me on a Sunday and then on Monday afternoon I received a text from him saying: “Wanna meet up for a coffee?

Men can be extremely confusing! Their reasons for pulling away often make next to no sense.

If your ex continues to reach out to you regularly after breaking up with you, know this is a sign he clearly misses you a lot.

Chances are, he is testing you to see if you’ll give up on him or not and waiting for you to make him come back.

4. He Replies Right Away

The speed at which someone replies to your text can actually give you a lot of insight into where they are really at and whether they are interested in talking to you or not.

When a guy takes hours to reply or worse yet, keeps on leaving you on read, be careful, it’s an indicator that he is either not serious or no longer into you.

But when you text your ex and he replies within the same minute, it’s a sure sign your ex has been thinking of you, missing you and waiting for you to reach out to him.

Also he is clearly really eager to keep the conversation going.

5. He Keeps You Updated on What’s New in His Life

Being together with someone means having a person to share all the important moments in life with. All the small and big victories as well as defeats.

Most people who break up don’t actually understand the consequences of it when they are doing it.

They’re blind to abandonment and rejection they themselves are inflicting and then act accordingly.

So, if your ex keeps on updating you on everything that’s happening in his life, even though he might be the dumper, in these moments he wants you back.

It’s a sign he still needs you and because of it is likely waiting for you to make a move and get him back.

6. He Isn’t Dating Anyone New

One of the most baffling and infuriating moments in my life happened two weeks after Gabriel and I broke up for the first time…

His reasons for wanting to break up back then was because he wasn’t ready to settle down and wanted to experience love and life.

I was obviously heartbroken but accepted where he was at and went on a two week sailing holiday.

I came back dreading that he will already be with some other girl…

But to my surprise, he did not see anyone while I was away, he said he was taking a break from dating for the time being.

If a guy broke up with you supposedly because he fell out of love or didn’t care about you as much as you cared about him but he isn’t trying to move on and date anybody new, it’s a sign that he is likely still hung up on you.

He is likely battling some attachment/commitment issues and is waiting for you to help him break out of them.

7. He Texts or Calls Late at Night

People often judge drunk calls or booty calls but the thing is, alcohol lowers our inhibitions. When we’re drunk we often go after things we want but wouldn’t have the courage to try when we’re sober.

The same is true about being lonely and horny late at night…

If your ex drunk texts you or gives you a booty call, know it’s a sign he is missing you at that very moment.

It’s an indicator that at least part of him is still waiting for you and secretly wanting you back.

8. He Tells You He Misses You

Have you ever had your ex say to you: “I miss you” and felt like he can’t possibly mean it, because if he did he wouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place?

The thing about breakups is that they never really are straightforward.

More often than not, the dumper is only doing it as a last resort to communicate that something really isn’t working for him in the relationship.

They’re not actually wanting to break up.

They want you to get them and possibly stop doing something that’s really hurting them.

Unfortunately, his rejection hurts A LOT too.

So much so, that when an ex who dumped you says that he misses you, you might just discard it as though it meant nothing.

However, him saying something like this to you is pretty much straightforward admitting that: he is waiting for you and wanting to fix things so that you two can get back together.

9. He Talks to Others About You

Couples who have been together for many years can sometimes have trouble communicating without fighting. When a relationship reaches this stage, breaking-up often seems like the only option to escape the cycle of endless hurtful fights.

However, it doesn’t help with resolving anything.

People are desperate to find solutions to things that hurt them and can find creative ways of doing so. Some of our coaching clients have utilised this hack: communicating through friends.

Even though it’s not the most effective way of communication, it’s better than nothing.

So if your mutual friends have been telling you that your ex has been talking or complaining to them about you, know that this isn’t accidental. He meant for you to get this message!

Chances are this is the only way he can currently try to reach out to you. He might be so hurt and bitter that he simply can’t do it directly.

Even though this might be infuriating (because he seemingly could just tell you these things himself) it’s a sign that he is thinking about you and waiting for you to do something to fix things.

How to Get Him to Openly Want You Back

It’s all well and good to read the signs that he is waiting for you and to know that he secretly wants you back but that’s just the first part of getting out of this tricky situation.

Reversing a breakup can take anything from one simple text in some cases to weeks or even months of long conversations and rebuilding trust.

Ultimately the goal here is to get him to openly want to be with you again and also to prevent any further breakups from happening.

Every situation is different and so are couples paths to reconciliation.

If you’re looking for personalised advice on how to approach your ex to break through his barriers and let you in, this is something we can help you with in a coaching call.

Here we listen, empathise and help you make sense of your situation. We will also give you tips on exactly what to say and do to fix things and get him to want to commit to you again.

Click Here to Check Out Our Coaching Calls

In case you’re curious and want to know more of our story and how we got back together be sure to read: How I Got Him Back - 4 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again

Karolina

Why Men Pull Away and How to Get Them to Stop Doing It

Why Men Pull Away and How to Get Them to Stop Doing It

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

There is nothing worse than a man suddenly pulling away from you, right after getting close.

It is the most confusing and illogical thing one can do…

This constant game of my partner getting close, pulling away, getting close again, pulling away again is something that I struggled with in my relationship A LOT.

My boyfriend Gabriel used to act in the sweetest of ways. He’d text me first thing in the morning, arrange for us to meet, planned dates, be appreciative and caring.

Only to suddenly start declining all my suggestions to meet up and I wouldn’t hear from him for days on end.

Or worse, he’d say things like “I don’t know where this relationship is going” or “I’m not sure I believe in life long commitment…”.

Whenever he pulled away from me I’d feel hurt and rejected.

What’s worse, his behaviour made me doubt myself. I started wondering: “Is this my fault? Have I done something wrong?”

Years later I finally managed to drag out the truth from him. Now I know exactly why he acted the way he did and what he was actually wanting me to do about it!

In this blogpost I will share with you all I’ve learned about this common problem nearly all women face.

I’ll go into details on why men pull away, how to deal with it and what to do to get them to stop doing it.

Biggest Reasons Why Guys Suddenly Pull Away After Getting Close

Everybody’s situation is different and unique. There are many factors that can contribute to this and trigger men to pull away from women they care about.

Sometimes their need for sudden distance can arise after a relationship fight.

It can also get set off by external factors such as family or job issues.

And in other cases it might happen seemingly for no reason at all…

Even though the exact circumstances vary from person to person, there are actually some very clear patterns in this puzzling behavior of men.

These are the three biggest underlying reasons that cause guys to pull away after getting close to you:

1. Men Pull Away Because They’re Afraid Of Being Hurt

When two people start going out with each other, they often don’t have full understanding or control over the way the relationship can develop and progress over time.

In our early stages Gabriel and I would have deep meaningful conversations and have so much fun together, it would instantly make us both feel closer and deeply connected to one another.

We didn’t plan for any of these things to happen. They just did, out of the blue…

Even though these kinds of experiences can feel SO GOOD in the moment. You’re suddenly feeling close, happy, in love…

…they can also feel extremely SCARY, especially in retrospect.

Unfortunately, letting someone in on a deeper level means that they can potentially hurt you on a deeper level too.

That’s why guys sometimes pull away from you when they start to really like you or when they’re falling in love with you.

They suddenly realize just how vulnerable they’re becoming and get TERRIFIED of the potential consequences.

So they quickly distance themselves from you to slow things down and minimize any potential damage.

2. Men Pull Away to Get You to Keep On Chasing Them

There is nothing more frustrating than wanting something you cannot have.

Yet at the same time, the fact that you can’t have that one particular thing or person, tends to make it/them so much more DESIRABLE.

The push and pull dynamic is the basis of any romantic movie or series.

Take Gossip Girl for example:

In season one Blair is initially rejecting Chuck. She eventually changes her mind, but by then he is the one rejecting her.

When he finally decides to commit, she changes her mind again and so on and so forth they go for 6 seasons…

Much like in this scene Blair wanted Chuck to fight for her and win her back, the same way when a guy suddenly pulls away from you, he wants you to chase after him.

It’s a power move.

It gives him the feeling he is the one controlling the situation. In his head pulling away from you is a way of ensuring that you’ll stay hooked and remain crazy about him.

3. Men Pull Away to Sabotage the Relationship

When things start going the right way in your life and you’re finally getting something you’ve been wanting for a long time, do you ever feel like ‘it’s just too good to be true’ and then proceed to sabotage it?

I know, this kind of behavior doesn’t make much sense. Yet it’s extremely common.

I did it. Gabriel did it. And you guys have also shared your own stories of sabotage.

Even though Gossip Girl might not be the best place to get healthy relationship advice from, it just so happens that this urge to reject good things in life is a phenomenon that was very well illustrated in the Chuck and Blair dynamic too.

There were countless times when either of them pulled away from the other just for the sake of sabotaging their relationship.

Unfortunately, this doesn’t just happen in TV dramas.

Being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior can be very confusing and hurtful. It’s also something that is actually extremely common.

So, if your man starts suddenly pulling away from you when things are going well or starting to get serious, chances are he is battling some inner demons that are urging him to sabotage the special bond that you guys share.

Is It Normal For Guys to Pull Away?

Yes, it is perfectly normal for guys to pull away from women they care about. All men do it to a greater or lesser degree.

Even in the early stages of a relationship.

Men pull away and come back because they’re testing you and getting to know you.

They’re checking how you’ll react. Whether or not you’ll freak out about it. They want to see how invested you are and if you care about them as much as they care about you.

It takes time to overcome the initial trust issues many people have when they first start dating somebody.

Unfortunately, this problem does not always disappear as the relationship progresses.

There are countless other factors that can trigger men to suddenly need to distance themselves from you.

A very common type of situation is: men pulling away when they’re stressed.

This could be due to trouble at work or other personal problems. It’s not uncommon for couples to even take breaks from each other when struggling with various external issues.

Either way, in most cases this is not something you need to worry about too much.

Even though unpleasant, it’s a normal relationship problem most couples have to simply learn to deal with.

A little side note here:

If despite all this reassurance, you still feel uneasy about your man suddenly pulling away from you, maybe there is something more sinister that’s going on…

In that case you might want to check out these 4 Signs That He is Lying to You.

How to Be High Value When He Pulls Away

Even though this is such a common problem, this issue tends to make women uneasy and often triggers them to act in ways that only make matters worse.

No need to worry though…

There are a couple of approaches that can help you avoid this typical pitifall and ensure that you can keep your cool and stay high value after he pulls away from you.

1. Don’t Panic

The first necessary step that will allow you to stay high-value in this tricky situation is to simply calm yourself down.

Him pulling away from you is nothing unusual. You don’t need to worry or even think about it too much.

It doesn’t mean anything about you or about your relationship.

It’s just something all men do.

2. Keep in Mind That This Is Not Your Fault

Whenever Gabriel suddenly started pulling away from me, one of my first thoughts was alway ‘is it because of something I did?’.

Unfortunately, us blaming ourselves for things that have nothing to do with us is a problem most people struggle with to some degree.

This can cause you to get stuck overthinking for hours on end. Or worse, it can give you this urge to act impulsively and only break things further.

That’s why when a guy suddenly pulls away from you, it’s important that you remind yourself that:

Him suddenly needing distance has likely more to do with an ex of his, than it does with you.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

On the contrary, chances are you did something SO RIGHT, he felt like it’s too good to be true and it triggered his relationship sabotage mode.

3. Don’t Fall for His Power Game

As mentioned before, when a guy pulls away, he actually wants you to chase after him.

On one hand, he is testing how much you care about him.

On the other hand, he wants to be the one who holds the power to reject you (not the other way around).

It’s not that he doesn’t care, but he is pretending he doesn’t FOR AN EFFECT.

This is something that took me YEARS to fully see and understand.

But once I did see it this way, it was a monumental discovery.

It made me go from feeling panicked and doubting myself to simply being mildly irritated and calling his bluff.

All men play this ‘game of rejection’, most without even fully realizing that they’re doing it.

The ultimate trick to winning the game is by just NOT playing right into his hand…

Will He Come Back if I Leave Him Alone?

Generally speaking, YES, in most cases, when a man pulls away from you, he will come back to you if you just leave him alone for a while.

Even if he is acting all detached or cool about the distance, don’t be fooled. It is just an act.

Men get attached to their partners, just like women do.

That’s why, in most cases, waiting it this one out is the best strategy you can take

How long of a break you should give him depends on his character and the circumstances you guys are in.

OK, but what if you have already been waiting for days or even weeks and he still hasn’t gotten back to you?

This is a question I get from a lot of you guys in all your comments and emails.

Giving men space does not always have the desired effect.

There are two possible reasons for this:

Firstly, this could be because more often than not, when a man pulls away from you he actually wants you to chase after him.

And when you don’t react the way he hoped you would, he might just decide to keep on waiting for you to change your mind…

In this scenario, you giving him space for a long time, might trigger you guys to get stuck in a situation where both sides are waiting for the other to reach out first.

The second big reason for him remaining distant could be that he is just not interested in a relationship with you.

He might not have the guts to straight up admit that this is where he is at or he may also want to keep on stringing you along just in case.

Either way, the only way for you to find out, is to check in and ask him yourself.

This way you’ll know for sure whether he cares or not and won’t be left waiting for something that might just never happen.

What to Do to Get Him to Stop Pulling Away

Getting a guy to come back after he pulled away from you is generally the easy part. In most cases he simply comes back on his own.

Unfortunately, him coming back doesn’t mean that he won’t suddenly distance himself from you again and again.

A lot of you guys have shared your stories on our blog and I also know this pattern from my own personal experience. Men who pull away from women they care about, generally keep on doing it.

It’s unsettling the first time it happens. Might be heartbreaking when it happens the second or the third time…

But when a guy keeps on pulling away and coming back, it will eventually wear you down. So much so, you might even start thinking that this relationship might already be over.

There is a way to put a stop to this pattern though.

Him pulling away from you, is a sign that the power dynamic in your relationship might be off.

He likely feels like he has got an upper hand, that he doesn’t need to worry about losing you, because he is just so sure that you’ll stick around and stay with him no matter what.

The trick to get him to stop distancing himself from you is for you to regain control in your relationship.

This is something we actually teach in our online course for women: Rebuild Your Relationship.

In it, we’ll show you how to finally put a stop to him pulling away from you.

You’ll also learn how to get him to want commitment and become serious about your relationship. (It’s actually something he secretly craves.)

Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

Also, if you want to learn more about why men act this way you can read more about it in Gabriel’s post: 4 Steps to Make Him Worry About Losing You

If you have any questions or would like to share your story, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.

Karolina

Caught in a Love-Hate Relationship, Should You Worry?

Caught in a Love-Hate Relationship, Should You Worry?

Photo by Keira Burton

When you’re in a love-hate relationship, you’re gonna feel like everything is just right in one moment: you have warm fuzzy feelings and are tots in love with him…

And the next moment the clouds suddenly come rolling in and it’s hard not to hate everything about the guy.

And all of that within a day or even just an hour, leaving you confused, doubtful, and upset.

Does that sound about right?

If so, let’s dive into love-hate relationships and make some sense of them.

After all, having the repeated experience of loving someone one moment and hating them the next, isn’t easy on your nerves or heart.

And we can’t have that now, can we.

Is It Normal to Hate Your Partner?

First things first, how NORMAL is it to hate your partner?

It is not uncommon in relationships, especially if you find yourself hating him from time to time, rather than always.

Most couples we’ve worked with hate something or other about their partner.

Whether it’s a small issue, like the way he tells the exact same story at every social event.

Or big, say when he’s emotionally unavailable, refusing to open up and dismisses your feelings for the hundredth time.

But feeling hatred towards your partner is an indicator that something in your relationship isn’t quite right and could do with ADJUSTING.

More on that later, but first we need to explore a few more questions surrounding love-hate relationships.

Is a Love-Hate Relationship Healthy?

The short answer is, No, it’s not healthy.

But things aren’t always so simple, are they? Since love-hate relationships have -well, BOTH components.

So let’s separate the two for a moment:

1. Everything that is ‘Loving’ in your relationship is definitely healthy and good for yours and his heart, and will help nurture your special connection.

When you’re in the ‘love’ mode, you’re happy right?

There’s little you want to change in that moment, things are pleasant as they are and your relationship will probably look and feel like a healthy one.

2. By contrast, everything that is ‘Hating’ is going to push you both further apart and hurt your relationship. (especially if you’re directing your hatred at each other)

So instead of slapping a generic label on your love-hate relationship and calling it either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’…

We take what IS WORKING and say:

Awesome! I’m sure when you’re feeling loving, the sparks that go flying between you two can be seen from miles away!

And then in turn we try and understand where the hate is coming from.

In moments of feeling hateful towards Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) it was ALWAYS a sign that something WASN’T WORKING for me.

I was not getting something in my relationship that I really needed.

So when you’re feeling hateful towards him, think about what you’re NOT GETTING from him that you really need!

Can You Love Someone and Hate Them at the Same Time?

Of course you can.

Let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey as an example.

I’m crazy in love with you, but I want to kinky-torture you in my play dungeon.

Or take Edward from Twilight:

From the movie Twilight, Edward stands behind Bella in the forest in their love-hate relationship.

Life without you is simply not possible. But I might just kill you.

I’m not sure Edward would qualify for many of the signs of true love from a man. -But that’s maybe a story for another time.

What I want to get across is: no relationship is free of some darker elements.

In a sense, EVERY relationship is a love-hate relationship.

So yes, you can love someone and hate them at the same time.

Because at some point or another everybody has moments of hating their partner. We’re only human after all.

But what’s important here, is your ‘Love-Hate RATIO’.

If you’re at 95% Love – 5% Hate, then consider yourself lucky.

But if you feel like you’re more at 50% Love – 50% Hate, then it makes sense you’re looking for answers and a way to increase the love and DECREASE the hate.

Things are certainly more challenging, when you feel MORE hatred than love.

But for now, take a moment to think about what your ‘Love-Hate Ratio’ is.

Is Hate a Sign of Love?

Hate is certainly a strong emotion.

But I would not say it’s a sign of love.

I know it’s a message that is circulated a lot.

That if you hate someone, surely it’s a sign that you deeply care about them?

But as mentioned, hate is a sign that something isn’t working for you in your relationship. And if that sign is ignored for too long, the feelings pile up and can result in some toxic relationship habits.

What Causes a Love-Hate Relationship?

So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?

Alright, let’s do this.

A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.

…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.

But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.

You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris)

It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.

And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:

None of us have gone through life unscarred.

Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.

When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.

And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.

Hate is is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.

How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship

In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.

It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.

But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.

Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗

We saw how many couples struggled with their own love-hate dynamic, and it’s the reason we create our Rebuild Your Relationship course for women.

In it we cover our journey, through our love-hate challenges, and how you too, can overcome your own. 

We explain where these hateful feelings come from and give you the mindset and exact steps you need to defuse the hate and finally turn your relationship into the loving, connected and stable one you deserve.

If you’d like to learn more about our course, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

Now, I know this can all be a bit of a heavy topic, it’s certainly not an easy one. But maybe a couple of love songs can brighten the mood for you a little here…

Or if you’re really hardcore and want to dig deeper, we’ve also got a great related article that can help you stop fighting in your relationship. 

If you’d like to share your relationship story with us or have any questions, leave them in the comments section and we’ll get back to you.

Gabriel

How I Got Him Back - 5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again

How I Got Him Back - 5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again

Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.

I would know.

Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.

The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.

From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.

And I managed to do it, three times.

It’s now been over 7 years since our last breakup and we’ve been happily together ever since.

Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.

There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.

But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.

In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make my ex want me back so that you too can get him to miss you and chase you again.

1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again

Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.

Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.

When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I started wondering about things like:

‘Was it my fault?!’

‘Am I not good enough?!’

‘Did I do something wrong?’

The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting your ex to want to come back to you.

They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.

That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.

There are many ways to go about this.

The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.

The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.

All the experiences I described above is what allowed me to relax and feel better about myself. This in turn made me more attractive to my ex-boyfriend.

It was the first and necessary step of how I got him back.

I get that the situation you’re in might feel extremely urgent. You likely want to get your ex back as fast as you can.

But you can’t skip this step.

You need to take some time to recover from the breakup and rebuild your self-esteem to get him to want you again.

Once you feel more like your old self, you can then proceed to step two:

2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation

Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.

The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.

While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.

Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.

When Gabriel broke up with me I was as desperate as it gets.

Desperate to get back together…

Desperate to feel like he loves me again…

Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…

Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions.

Luckily, I didn’t let that happen…

The biggest problem with acting desperate is that it will make your ex feel like he has got full control over you.

He won’t need to worry about losing you.

He’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if he ever decides to take you back.

Also, he won’t have any reason to want to get back together with you any time soon. He will feel free to act as he pleases for as long as he wants with no consequences whatsoever.

Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.

There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:

By taking charge of the situation.

Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead.

Notice your own desperation and keep it in check. Don’t let him feel like he has full control over you. Don’t just beg and hope he will regret losing you and come back on his own either. 

Understand, this is a game you’re both playing.

In order to get him back, you have to stop letting him endlessly win and play your cards close to your chest instead.

There is no way around it. If you want to make him want you back, you have to take control and make it happen yourself.

You might even resort to partially cutting him off to get him to miss you again

3. Realize That He Still Wants You

This is something that the old me would have really needed to hear back in the day when Gabriel and I were broken up…

The thing about attraction in relationships is that IT NEVER REALLY GOES AWAY.

The fact that your ex WAS into you, means that he most likely still IS into you.

That’s because, firstly, chemistry is not really something we have control over. It’s either there between two people, or it’s not.

Secondly, people get ATTACHED to their partners.

They do, no matter whether they deny it or not. It’s just human nature to get attached to other people…

Even if your ex hid his feelings, because even emotionally unavailable types miss their partners!

Gabriel was also the kind of guy to really play down his feelings and attachment towards me.

He pretended that the breakups didn’t affect him much.

And that he didn’t care whether we were together or not.

But you know what, it was just an ACT that was supposed to keep me hooked and make me endlessly chase after him.

This is something he actually now (not proudly) confirms.

So even if your ex is acting all cold and distant, don’t get fooled by that.

It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that he can stay in control of you and the relationship.

Everybody gets attached.

People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…

So if your ex wanted you back then, he most likely still wants you now.

Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting him to come back.

You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he already does. All you have to do now is get him to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.

4. Get Him Hooked Again With Self-Respect and Boundaries

Now that you know deep down your ex still wants you, let’s talk about what you can do to make his feelings for you stronger again.

The first time Gabriel and I broke up, we went for a coffee a few weeks after our breakup.

We were sitting at a nice place, catching up, the conversation was good, I was totally flirting with him a little and we both inevitably started feeling closer again.

When it was time to say goodbye, Gabriel leaned in to kiss me, as though we were still dating…

But rather than reciprocating, I moved away.

I told him, ‘You can’t just break up with me and then try to kiss me a couple of weeks later!’. And I angrily walked away.

I missed him and all, but I wasn’t ok with more intimacy without him giving me more security first.

And guess what?

Me standing my ground caused our breakup to become more real to him, too!

Suddenly, the tables had turned, and that interaction is what got him texting me again.

Getting your ex back is a tricky process.

You’re trying to reconnect with him and reignite what’s been lost. But at the same time, you have to respect where you’re at and not let him override your boundaries whenever he has a sudden change of heart.

On one hand, you’re giving him what he wants, making him feel good, making him remember the good times you two had together…

…but you also have to make him feel that his decision to break up has consequences. That his ‘boyfriend privileges’ have been revoked for the time being.

It’s your own self-respect and boundaries that make him miss you and want to chase you again.

They’re your best compass when it comes to deciding what to do, what to say etc.

That’s what allowed me to get my ex back. Having that coffee date experience, made Gabriel come back fast. But it wasn’t the only thing I needed to do for us to be able to finally get back together.

This brings me to the last step of your journey…

5. Remove the Barriers to Get Him to Chase You Again

In reality, getting your ex to want you back is much simpler than we’re led to believe.

Chances are that in this very moment, he is secretly pining after you and longing to feel close to you again.

But…

…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he just text you and try to get you back yourself?

That’s a very good question.

Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting him to want you back.

You see, people always break up for a reason.

So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he wants to get back together with you. Whatever it was that made him want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents him from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.

There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.

Some of them were purely his issues. Others, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).

The secret in making him want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him again (because he feels attracted to you already!).

It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing him from wanting to be together with you.

Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together, but also to NEVER break up ever again!

If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that he wants you back, you might want to check out our online course, Rebuild your Relationship.

In it, we’ll teach you how you can influence your man so that he goes from being hesitant and distant to dying to please you and chasing you around for love and attention.

You’ll learn a foolproof step by step technique to get everything you ever wanted from him and more…

Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

In case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your man back permanently, you can also read our article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!

Karolina

If you’d like to show your support for Karolina, you can click here to leave her a tip.

4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!

4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!

So you were with a guy and unfortunately, things didn’t work out the way you hoped…

Hurtful things were said and done, one thing escalated into the other and one or both of you decided it was finally time to break up…

But days, months or even years passed and you feel that the connection you had with him was really intimate and special to you and that it’s not something you want to give up on just yet.

You’ve decided you want to get your ex back.

And that’s exactly what we’re going to help you do here.

I’m going to show you how you can finally get your ex back and do so in a way that guarantees he will stay so that you feel stable with him and NEVER have to fear losing him again!

And this approach is foolproof and will work via texting or in person and also whether you’ve been out of touch for months or if the breakup only happened yesterday.

Let’s dive in.

1. Scope Out Your Ex’s Situation and Feelings

When my girlfriend Karolina (who runs this blog with me today) and I first broke up, it was heartbreaking for both of us.

But I was -regretfully- the one who instigated it.

And I want to tell you right away, that men can be very tricky to handle when you want to get back together with them.

We can be extremely sensitive drama queens! -or should I say, drama kings?-

Your ex-boyfriend might be playing cool, distant and uncaring as to whether or not you get back together…

…but DON’T FALL for it!

Because men are only PRETENDING to have zero emotional stakes in the game, when in reality they have as much skin in it as you do.

And they’re also easily frightened off!

So it’s important to take the right approach to avoid potentially screwing up your chances.

I hate to say it, but you may need to handle your ex with kid gloves at times and be very careful and tactful!

Like I said, drama kings.

This is why I don’t recommend diving right in and trying to get back together with him.

Ideally, you’ll first carefully scope out his situation:

  • Is he still clearly into you?
  • Does he let it show?
  • Do you know or suspect he’s dating other women?
  • Are there other things that might be getting in the way of getting him back?

Doing your crafty research first will ensure you get a full picture of what’s up on his end and how he feels about you.

And this will set you up in maximizing your chances of getting your ex back!

2. Get His Side So That He Craves You Again

There was obviously a reason for the two of you to have initially broken up.

Whether it was due to constant fights and hurt, cheating or you both simply wanted different things from your relationship…

Whatever your reasons may have been and whoever’s fault it was, something between you broke enough for it to have led to you separating.

Now in order for you to get him back, that broken thing needs to be addressed.

I’m not saying fixed but addressed to at least SOME degree.

The reason to do this is to gain his interest and trust again.

Because when you get his side of the story, you are reestablishing your shared connection with him. (again, regardless of who’s fault the breakup really was)

And that’s a very POWERFUL thing!

You see, you are taking down the wall that caused him to go from “your partner”, to “your ex”.

You’re making him FEEL things towards you again.

And by that, he’s reminded of all the good things about you that he’s missing out on.

This is the FASTEST way back to a man’s heart. Despite what you might have heard about it being between his legs.

What sparked my interest in getting back with Karolina after our breakup was NOT the sex.

Sure, sex is a part of it.

But it really was because she understood me and got my side in a way no other woman did.

This made me trust her and I instantly wanted to get back with her again!

So use your shared experiences and history to your advantage.

3. Send Your Ex Sexy Signals So He Doesn’t Miss Your Intentions

You don’t need to say anything outright to him about wanting to get back together yet.

But men can be ridiculously oblivious to women being interested in them.

Yes, even when it’s their own ex!

So don’t make the mistake of going all cold and distant on his ass. (This can push him even further away from you!)

Instead, let him know what’s up.

That you would like to meet for a coffee and talk a little or that you miss him and the way his voice sounds.

Don’t go overboard, but do signal your interest and feel free to flirt!

It’s an exciting time after all and I can assure you, that the anticipation of potential hot-get-back-together-sex is mutual!

4. Secure Your Relationship With Him For Good

A lot of what we’ve covered so far, are things you might do over your phone.

But once you’re actually meeting face to face, it’s a different game.

Things are suddenly more real.

You’ll have a lot of feelings, as will your ex. (Especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while)

The air might feel electrified and even brushing elbows will send a tingle down your spine.

It’s almost like you’re dating all over again…

Now, rediscovering the spark with your ex and getting back together is great, but it’s only the first step.

If you’re serious about things working out this time and actually KEEPING him and ensuring your special connection it’s best to firmly secure your ties with him NOW.

(and I’m not talking about getting engaged here.)

I mean something far more potent: securing a deep unbreakable bond with your man.

Karolina and I made the mistake of not doing so and it resulted in multiple horrible breakups.

We just didn’t know how to prevent the pattern of going from feeling super close and intimate to being so tired of each other that we broke up!

But through a lot of trial and error, we figured out what was causing the constant fights and breakups and finally DID put a stop to it.

And that is exactly what we teach in our Rebuild Your Relationship course.

In it, we show you where things go wrong in relationships so that you can prevent breakups AHEAD of time.

And also the best possible tools to deal with and resolve the most common reasons couples break up!

So if you feel like you could do with a little help with developing that deep unbreakable bond with your man, so that you never break up or lose him again, you can click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.

If you have questions or thoughts you’d like to share, let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you.

Best,

Gabriel