How to Stop Caring About Someone Who Doesn’t Care About You

How to Stop Caring About Someone Who Doesn’t Care About You

Photo by Ron Lach

If you’re wondering how to stop caring about someone, I won’t lie, your situation is a difficult one.

Because chances are, you love them and care about them, but they don’t love and care about you the same way.

They may literally have said some of these words to you:

  • “I just don’t feel that way about you.”
  • “I think of you as a friend.”
  • “You should totally go out with him/her.”

So it makes sense that you’re wondering whether you can get over someone you love.

Because it HURTS to love someone who doesn’t love you back.

And every interaction with them is a painful reminder of that!

When you finally reach a point when it hurts too much to continue loving them, then you understandably want to try to forget them.

And that’s what I’m going to help you with in this post.

How Do You Stop Caring About Someone Who Doesn’t Love You?

It’s a heart-wrenching experience.

On the one hand, you care about them, but you know it’s probably time to let go.

But the idea of letting go can feel disrespectful towards the love you feel for them and ultimately yourself. (since these are YOUR valid feelings after all!)

So just to reassure you before we talk about how you can unlove someone.

Doing this process DOES NOT invalidate you or your feelings.

It just means you’ve reached a point where it’s hurting you more than it’s fulfilling you.

So you understandably want to try a different approach.

This is the 7-Step journey to stop caring about someone when you’re in love.

1. Acknowledge That It’s Hurting You

When you’re overwhelmed with how good it feels to be in love or infatuated with someone, it can be incredibly mesmerizing.

It’s like a perfect place that you could stay in FOREVER.

The fantasy alone of being with this person can make you feel safe and like you belong.

So it only makes sense that you’d want it to be real.

But the fact of the matter is, you’re here now, because they’re hurting you more than they’re giving you.

And if you haven’t yet, it’s important to acknowledge that sooner than later.

Because as wonderful as the fantasy may be…

When you’re stuck in a position of endlessly caring about them, and their love is repeatedly denied, it takes its toll on you.

It hurts you and can chip away at your self-worth.

So, if you’ve been pining after them and caring for over a few months and nothing has come of it…

Then know it’s likely hurting you more and it’s time to stop and move on.

2. Don’t Let Them Rule You

The next step is to understand that when you’re stuck in a PATTERN of loving and caring for them, and they repeatedly ignore, dismiss or reject your advances…

You’re giving them A LOT of POWER.

Now, they may or may not abuse your love and care, but either way it’s not a balanced or healthy dynamic to be in.

It’s all well and good to pine after someone you love as both sides figure things out in a month or so.

But when it doesn’t stop and drags out for weeks and months, it’s time to accept the signs that they don’t feel the same way.

And that endlessly caring about them is only going to make you feel worse and ‘not good enough’.

When they’ve taken this long they’re NOT going to change their mind, so don’t let them do this to you.

3. Stop Talking to Them

I know this one is likely to be difficult.

But at this point, you really need to protect and reduce the emotional strain on yourself.

And it’s an important step to get someone out of your mind and heart.

When you’ve acknowledged that caring about someone is hurting you and you need to take the power back, you’ll be ready to stop talking to them.

Now, this DOESN’T need to be a sudden switch.

If it feels right to you, give yourself a week or two to let things slowly fizzle out and stop talking or meeting them.

The reason you need to create this boundary is that it’s what will give you the time and space to focus on and care for yourself.

4. Spend Time With People, to Stop Thinking About the ‘What Ifs’

It’s only natural that you won’t be able to put them off your mind immediately.

And don’t worry, there’s no pressure or rush.

But once you’ve stopped talking to them, it’s important to fill that gap with other people.

And there is seriously NO BETTER distraction, than company.

Go see friends, family, pick up a new hobby and meet new people.

I personally loved learning partner dancing.

My mind and body were busy trying to figure out the moves, while simultaneously trying to coordinate with music AND another person!

It’s honestly one of the best ways to stop caring about the ‘what might have been’ thoughts.

And talking to all these people will fill out your social life, keeping you busy.

Now, I wish this was the end, but as you likely know, it’s unfortunately not so simple.

Next, you’ll need to…

5. Give Yourself Time to Grieve

While you’re doing all of the above, you’re likely going to experience a couple of emotional rollercoasters.

One moment you feel totally fine and you’re sure that you’ve moved on from someone you cared about, but can’t be with.

And the next, it all comes crashing down and you’re doubtful whether your life could ever feel fulfilling without them in it.

But don’t worry, it’s OKAY!

It’s just part of the process. This is you acknowledging and respecting your feelings.

There’s no need to stop these feelings.

Yes, you cared and loved someone. No, they did not reciprocate your love. And yes, it did (and does still) hurt.

But you’re going to be okay.

The fact that you managed without them before, proves that you can manage without them now!

6. Consider Dating to Build Your Self-Worth

Alongside your social life and new hobbies (that possibly involve dancing ;)) you’ll be meeting plenty of people.

And once you’re working through the steps above, one of the best ways to unlove and forget someone, is through casual dating.

No, it doesn’t need to be anything serious. Just an easy-going but enjoyable first date.

Nothing that makes you feel pressured.

But if you put yourself out there on dating apps, or even do some fun speed dating just because…

You’ll soon come to realize that there are PLENTY of people that DO care and have the hots for you!

Which will put a stop to any negative thoughts.

And that is a very important experience to have and realization to come to.

Because you’ll be getting acknowledgement, approval, and interest from others, which will rebuild your confidence and sense of self-worth.

But, if you’re saying it’s too soon for you, I totally understand.

Sometimes you need some time to reconnect with yourself and also enjoy the often underrated benefits of being single.

7. Realize You Deserve Better

Now, no disrespect to that (previously?) special someone in your life.

But you deserve better than a one-sided love.

And realizing this is important.

You’re a fully fledged human being, with your very own unique presence, talents, and are clearly someone who is caring and willing to put a lot of effort into making love work.

And that shouldn’t be wasted on someone who is too blind to see the wonderful person that stands before them!

Again. You deserve better.


So can you forget someone you love?

Yes, you absolutely can forget someone you love and even should if they’re not reciprocating your love.

And if you’re wondering, how do you move on when you still love someone?

The answer is, when you work through the 7 steps we mentioned above, you will gradually fall out of love with them and in love with a new person.

Because there are truly plenty of fish in the sea.

And if you’re feeling a little lost right now, don’t worry, it will get better with time.

As to how long it takes to get over someone.

It may not seem like it when you’re in the midst of it all. But give yourself a few months and you’ll have stopped caring about them and will feel great again.

Yes, they may have been amazing and all, but you know who’s more amazing?

Yeah, that’s right, the strong person reading this post right now.

Give yourself enough time and company, and you’ll be surprised at your own strength and how many people DO actually value care for what you have to offer.

And if you want help processing any of this, let us support you with this with a one-on-one Coaching Call.SimplyTogether Coaching CallsIn a call, we’ll be able to get into the details of how exactly to stop caring about someone who doesn’t care about you. And give you the right tools and mindset to attract people who will return your love instead. 

Click here to check out Coaching Calls.

Otherwise, if you find yourself stuck in a cycle of choosing the wrong person, you might want to read Karolina’s post How to Finally Find the Right Guy.

For now, if you have any questions, please drop them down below and I’ll get back to you!



7 Signs Your Ex Is Testing You and How to Win Them Over

7 Signs Your Ex Is Testing You and How to Win Them Over

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins

Do you feel like your ex has been testing you lately? First, they wanted to break up, but now something about their behavior seems very confusing.

It’s as though they keep on sending you covert messages…

No, you’re not imagining it!

Most breakups are not final. When somebody says they want to break up, they rarely ever fully mean it.

That’s why exes will often test you after the breakup. It’s to see if they made the right choice or not. It’s also them giving you chances to prove them wrong.

Before jumping into the signs your ex is testing you, I’ll first go more into details on why people do this.

Understanding your ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s motives will make it easier for you to fully read and understand their behavior.

Why Is Your Ex Is Testing You

There are three big reasons why people play mind games and send mixed or covert messages to their ex-partners.

Some of them have to do with you, while others might be almost entirely unrelated to your relationship or you as a person.

They Are Testing You to See if They Can Trust You

Trust is a huge component of any relationship. It’s something that is very painful to lose. I know this might seem counter-intuitive: why would my ex care about trusting me if they wanted to break up?

But like I said, breakups are almost never the end of a relationship. Feelings you might have for each other can’t just vanish from one day onto the next.

That’s why your ex might be testing to check if they can still trust you, despite the breakup.

Your Ex Is Testing You to See if You Still Care About Them

This is something that’s likely also pretty confusing to hear.

Why would your ex worry about you not caring about him or her anymore, after wanting to break up?

The thing is, emotions are not logical.

Your ex is likely still attached to you and would like to believe that the same is true about you.

They Are Testing You to Figure Out What They Actually Want

People like to present themselves as confident and decisive. This is especially true for men.

They often feel pressured to act as though they had it all figured out and knew exactly what they want.

The truth is. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. Especially when it comes to love and feelings!

Chances are, your ex testing you is just their own attempt at figuring out what it is that they truly want from you.

Signs Your Ex Is Testing You and How to Respond to Each of Them

Now that you know why your ex is acting this way, it’ll be easier for you to wrap your head around their odd behavior and read between the lines.

I know personally how frustrating and confusing these kinds of situations can be.

My now husband and I broke up three times in the first two years of our relationship. When we were broken up, he also gave me all sorts of mixed messages.

That’s how I also know that receiving these kinds of vague hints from them will inevitably make you feel a little excited and hopeful.

This is why it’s so important that you’re able to read their signs correctly and respond accordingly.

1. Your Ex Doesn’t Reach Out for a Few Days

The first days after a breakup are always the toughest.

It’s hard to go from interacting with someone on a daily basis, to next to no contact from one day onto the next.

Maybe you’ve been struggling with this lately. Your ex either stopped reaching out to you or maybe they stopped replying to you.

Know that their lack of response is in fact a response. Here is what it could mean.

They are likely checking if they can trust you to respect their boundaries and give them the space they might have asked for.

Your ex might also be testing you to see how long you can last before contacting them.

Either way, it’s normal and healthy to take some time for yourself after a breakup.

Give them a week to get back to you, if they don’t check in by then, reach out to see what’s going on.

2. They Ask About Your Love Life

There is nothing more painful than have your ex nonchalantly ask about your love life.

Yet, this is something that happens a lot. Many of our coaching clients end up feeling hurt and confused because their ex made them feel like they wanted them to move on.

The thing is, when a person is really scared of something, they often try to play it down and pretend that they’re cool with it.

Well, this is exactly what your ex is doing when they’re asking you about your love life.

On one hand, they are testing you to see if they can trust you to stay attached.

And on the other hand, they’re provoking you to show them that you still care.

It’s a bluff, and it’s important that you take it as that.

Also, they just provided you with a great opportunity to make them jealous, so be sure to use it…

3. They Act Out of Character

Another classic way how exes test their partners is by acting out as if they were a rebellious teenager.

This might include things like changing their style, cutting their hair, getting piercings, going out, smoking, drinking or even screaming and shouting. Basically any action and behavior that is meant to test your patience and provoke you.

If your ex has been putting you through something like this lately, know it’s a sign they are testing you and trying to get your attention.

They want to see if you’ll try to step in and take their freedom away from them.

They’re also likely going through some sort of personality crisis and are figuring out who they truly are and what they want.

If this is your case, it’s important that you don’t react and don’t let them provoke you.

Set boundaries when necessary, and maybe even consider carefully cutting them off for a bit.

4. Your Ex Is Defensive Whenever You Talk to Them

Another common sign that your ex might be testing you is if they’re extremely defensive towards you.

Maybe they’ve been needing space, and you didn’t give it to them. Recognizing how and when to give space can be tricky.

Or maybe they’re very hurt about something you might have said or did.

Either way, don’t let them drag you into a pointless fight.

Try to read between the lines. They most likely just need you to listen and understand them.

5. They Reach Out to You via Social Media

Has your ex been ignoring you lately, but at the same time you get a feeling that whenever they post something on social media, it’s directed towards you?

Well, that’s because it is.

Your ex is fully aware that you follow them and see their posts.

So if they have been posting quotes, songs or photos that really got to you, keep in mind they did it on purpose.

Maybe, for whatever reason, they felt like they can’t communicate these things directly. So they try to get your attention this way.

They might be even missing you and secretly wanting you back.

This is a sign your ex is testing you to see if you get their message and will respond.

6. They Try to Make You Jealous

Jealousy is one of our strongest drives, that’s why it can be used to manipulate us fairly easily.

If your ex acting in ways that made you jealous lately, know it’s a sign they are testing you and trying to get your attention.

I know this might be counterintuitive. Maybe in your head it means that they’re wanting to move on…

But if your ex truly was over you, they wouldn’t resort to playing these kinds of mind games. If anything, they’d keep their distance and try to avoid any further drama.

So don’t play cool. Show them your true feelings, but also make sure to set boundaries and not let them play with your heart this way.

7. Your Ex Is Pursuing You but Doesn’t Want to Commit

Last but not least, one of the most common signs that your ex is testing you is the hot and cold behavior:

They have phases of wanting to see you every minute of every day.

Followed by distance and pulling away. There are many reasons why people (in particular men) act this way.

Your ex’s behavior might make you feel frustrated and confused. Every time they withdraw, you’re worrying if it’s because of something you did.

Just so that you know, this kind of hot and cold behavior has likely more to do with ex’s commitment issues than it does with you.

Something is standing in the way of them officially getting back together with you.

The best way to respond in this situation is to, on one hand, talk about whatever doubts your ex might be having that are preventing them from wanting to commit to you again.

And on the other hand, you also have to make it clear that you’re not going to wait for them forever.

How to Pass All the Tests and Make Your Ex Fall in Love Again

Now you know how to recognize if your ex is testing you and why they’re doing it.

Ultimately, passing their tests is the only way to get them to trust you and want to get back together.

Each situation requires a different set of responses. However, there are some rules that will work for all of them:

Firstly, don’t panic. Acting impulsively might lead you to doing things that will only sabotage all your chances.

So, try your best to keep your emotions in check.

There is no rush. Your ex’s feelings for you will not vanish any time soon.

Secondly, be patient and understanding. I know this is easier said than done, but keep in mind, this attitude will give you the results you’re hoping for the fastest.

And last but not least, don’t try to bottle it all up and try to deal with everything all by yourself. Talk to your friends, trusted family members. Find outlets and express your feelings and frustrations.

If you feel like you’d benefit from some additional support with passing all your ex’s tests, that something I can help you with in an ex back coaching call.

Here, I’ll carefully listen and help you make sense of their behavior.

We’ll also make a plan on how to respond and what to do to get your ex to fall in love with you again.

Click here to check out Ex Back Coaching

And if you want to know more of our story how my husband and I got back together, check out my other post: How I Got Him Back - 5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again


How Long Should the Talking Stage Last Before Dating

How Long Should the Talking Stage Last Before Dating

Photo by Eduardo Simões Neto Junior

How long a good talking stage should last entirely depends on your character and also on the life circumstances you and your crush are in. There are no universal rules when it comes to falling in love and dating.

Everybody is different.

Some people are ready to move forward with dating just after a short text exchange. While others need weeks or even months to get there.

Life also sometimes comes in the way and can stop a budding relationship from progressing.

At the same time, there are people out there who want to string you along forever.

They might be intentionally staying stuck in the talking stage to keep you as backup, or just for the sake of using you for validation.

In this post, I will outline what factors can make the talking stage longer and how to recognize if it is too long already.

I’ll also talk about what to do to finally move forward and make dating official.

But before jumping into the particulars of this topic, let’s first briefly outline how to even recognize that you are in the talking stage.

How Do You Know You’re in the Talking Stage

You are in the talking stage with someone, if the two of you share a bit of an unspoken connection. You’re crushing on them, but are not entirely sure if they feel the same way.

However, you suspect that it is the case, because there’s undeniable chemistry and tension between the two of you!

You also likely text on regular bases. Alternatively, you keep on ‘bumping into each other’ at work, parties, at the gym etc.

Point being, you’re in regular contact of some kind, but you’re not officially dating yet.

How Long Should the Talking Stage Last

As previously mentioned, how long the talking stage is for a couple, depends on a lot of factors: like your character, preferences and life circumstances.

For example, introverts and people who are shy are more likely to need a longer warm up time before they open up and dare to express their feelings.

Another big factor that can prevent you from moving forward with dating are difficult life circumstances.

Things like health problems, stress at work, family emergencies or moving, can also come in the way and eat up all of your or your crush’s attention.

This was actually the case for my husband and I. We had a relatively long talking stage. It took us two and a half months to go from talking and bumping into each other to officially dating.

This was because Gabriel (my husband and co author of this blog) was moving at the time we met. And it took him a while to find a new place and settle in. So those circumstances prevented us from starting to officially date for about a month.

Ultimately, the talking stage should last as long as you’re comfortable with it lasting.

If you’re ok with you and your crush just talking and keeping things vague for months on end, then everything is fine.

There is no rush and no deadline.

You can stay in the talking stage as long as you want.

However, if you’re frustrated with the situation you’re in and impatient to finally start officially dating, that’s a sign your talking stage is already too long.

It’s time to make some changes and maybe even call out your crush and see where they really stand and what they truly want.

How Long Should the Talking Stage Last, Long Distance

Another big factor that might make the talking stage last longer for you is if you’re in a long distance situation.

Not everybody is willing to put up with the challenges of living far away from the person they are dating. That’s why they might need to ‘just talk’ for a longer period of time before wanting any kind of commitment.

Some people might even need to wait for some concrete prospect that would bring the two of you physically closer before wanting to involve themselves romantically.

This is why you can expect the talking stage to last longer in a long distance situation. Sometimes it can go on for months or even years.

This is not always going to be the case. There are people out there who are more comfortable with having a long distance partner.

And they will have no reservations and will make an effort to move things forward.

Talking Stage Dos and Don’ts

There are no fixed rules of the talking stage.

However, there are certain things you can do that can make the progress faster.

There are also things that can sabotage your chances or keep you stuck in the talking stage forever.

So let’s cover the top 3 do’s and top 3 don’ts to give you the best shot!

Do Go On Dates

Going on dates in the talking stage is going to be far more casual than it is when you’re officially dating. You might spontaneously arrange something, meet up for a coffee, go for lunch together etc.

It is probably the most effective way of shortening the talking stage.

Meeting in person is the best way to get to know each other, check if you have chemistry and if you’re a good match.

It also gives you an opportunity to make a move, start holding hands, kiss etc.

There are many things you can do to make a date feel special.

Plus, holding your crush’s hand or giving them a kiss might be enough to go from being just friends to officially dating.

Do Reach Out and Show Initiative

Being passive and never showing your interest is a big no-go in the talking stage.

(By doing it, you’re basically communicating you’re not into it and are just letting things fizzle out.)

Both men and women require encouragement in order to keep pursuing you.

That’s why one of the biggest dos in this stage of ‘just talking’ is taking action and making things happen.

This might mean many things: being the first one to reach out, sending a flirty text, asking him/her out etc.

And if you’re just too shy to make things happen yourself, you can also just send subtle hints to get your crush to ask you out instead.

Do Flirt With Your Crush

Flirting is one of the best ways to communicate that you want more than being ‘just friends’. That’s why it’s an absolute must in the talking stage.

That’s how you let your crush know you want to take things further. Without flirting, you’ll be stuck in the friend zone forever.

Now for the top 3 don’ts.

Don’t Over-text

Over-texting is one of the biggest no-nos in the talking stage.

When you endlessly spam your crush with funny memes, TikToks, stories etc. you’ll come across as desperate. It’s not only very unattractive, it might even scare them away.

This is why it’s important to try to keep things balanced.

It’s not that you shouldn’t share these kinds of messages with your crush.It’s all well and good to make them laugh or update them on your life now and then.

Just try to gauge their reaction and adapt the number of text you send to that.

And if they stop responding, take a moment and try to figure out what happened.

Don’t Be the Only One to Always Initiate Contact

It takes two people to successfully get past the talking stage and start officially dating. If you feel like you’re the only one who is making things happen, it’s a sign it’s time for you to take the back seat.

This way, you’ll give your crush room to step up their game and reach out to you first for a change.

It’s also a way of finding out if they are serious about you or not.

If they’re interested, they’ll make the move. If they do nothing, you’re probably only wasting your time anyway.

Don’t Ignore the Red Flags

If you’re in the talking stage and your crush says or does things that make you feel a bit uneasy, most people’s reaction is to brush it off and start making excuses:

Oh, they didn’t mean it this way.

It was just a joke.

They’re probably just really busy right now.

Don’t be so sure… if your crush keeps on jumping in and out of your life like this, they might be a ghoster…

The talking stage is the time when you’re getting to know each other and evaluating whether this person is a good match for you.

That’s why it’s important to trust your gut and not diminish or ignore the red flags.

This way, you can protect yourself from wasting your time or even being seriously hurt in the future.

How Do You Get Past the Talking Stage

Now that you know how long the talking stage should be and are also familiar with the most essential rules of this phase, it’s time to finally discuss how to get past it.

In most cases, progressing out of the talking stage is a natural process.

As you get to know each other, you grow closer, only to eventually get to the point when one of you makes the move, and you then start officially dating.

That’s how it was for my husband and me. We met at a party, went out for coffee, went to more parties and eventually made plans to go to the movies together.

The movie we picked was extremely boring, so we went out for drinks afterwards (to make up for it and finally have some fun). That’s when he made the move and reached out for my hand.

(My heart was pounding!)

He kept on calmly talking to me and as the moment built, we finally shared our first kiss and the sparks were flying all evening long…

For us, as well as for many others, getting past the talking stage was an organic and gradual process.

So it’s really not something you need to obsess over too much.

You’re better off focusing on just flirting and getting to know your crush more.

How Do You Know the Talking Stage Is Going Well

The best way to recognize that everything is fine, and your talking stage is gradually progressing, is if you feel like you and your date are getting to know each other better and better.

Another good way to measure that this phase is going well is if the amount of communication between the two of you is steadily increasing.

If you keep on texting and feel increasingly comfortable with each other, then everything is going well!

Don’t worry too much, you’ll get there soon enough.

When to Bring Up the “Where Is This Going?” Question

If the talking stage with your crush has been going well (or at least ok), and you’re ready to start officially dating, a possible way to make it happen is by asking the “Where is this going?” question.

This way, you will confront yourself with the reality of the situation.

If they are genuinely interested in being in a relationship with you, they’ll give you an answer.

Don’t expect them to be one hundred percent clear on what they really want.

Nobody ever is.

But if they give you at least some encouragement, that’s probably good enough.

There is of course also a possibility that they were only stringing you along and never even intended in taking things further.

In this case, they will likely try to dodge answering your question.

If after asking your crush “Where is this going?” you only feel more frustrated and lost, it’s a sign you might be dealing with a player.

What to Do if You Are Stuck in the Talking Stage

If, despite all of your efforts, you continue being stuck in the talking stage, there are a couple of reasons as to why that is.

Emotionally unavailable people have a hard time opening up. If your crush struggles with that, it might take extra effort to gain their trust enough for them to want to take things further.

Another sad possibility is that they just aren’t into you. Or maybe they’re only interested in being friends.

There is no point waiting for something that will most likely never happen.

You deserve to be together with someone who will truly care about you.

Perhaps you just haven’t met this person yet…

Either way, if you feel frustrated and stuck, it’s a sign it’s time to make some changes.

If you could do with some guidance when it comes to your dating life, that’s something I can help you with in a coaching call.

Here, I’ll listen to your story and help you identify patterns that are holding you back and not letting you get what you want.

I’ll also give you tips on what to do, to appear more attractive and mysterious. This way, your crush won’t be able to resist you and will want to commit to you.

Click here to check out Coaching Calls.

In case you’re a woman stuck in the talking stage with a guy, you might want to check out my husband’s post: Make Him Want You With These 7 Sneaky Ways

And if you have any questions, leave me a comment below, and I’ll get back to you.


Cut Him Off, He Will Miss You, or Will He Just Move On?

Cut Him Off, He Will Miss You, or Will He Just Move On?

Photo by Judeus Samson

When a guy you care about breaks up with you or is taking you for granted, cutting him off might feel like the only move you have left to make him realize your value and get him to miss you.

At the same time, maybe you’re hesitant to let go of him because of what might happen if it doesn’t work.

What if he doesn’t come back…?

I know exactly how it feels to be stuck in this very tricky position, because I’ve been there myself.

My now-husband, who runs this blog with me, broke up with me three times in the first two years of our relationship.

The third time he did it, I was devastated, but I was also at my LIMIT.

Yes, I wanted him back, but I was also so hurt, I didn’t want to see or talk to him.

I didn’t actually cut him off completely back then, but I did limit our contact a lot.

Back then, I wasn’t following any strict plan or rules. I was simply listening to myself and setting boundaries that felt right to me.

Me doing all that is what made us get back together in about a month.

Since then, I’ve helped many other women get their ex back.

Also, so many of you guys shared your stories with me, and that’s how I’ve learned that the no contact rule can seriously backfire.

When done right, cutting him off will make him miss you.

If done wrong, it will only push him further away and make him move on faster.

In this post, I will explain the subtle differences between these two approaches. I’ll also give you tips on what to do to get him to want you back. (Without messing up your chances.)

When You Walk Away From a Man, He Will Come Back

The reason why cutting him off can make him miss you, is because you have to get your ex to experience losing you in order for him to realize your true value to him.

As long as he feels safe and secure that he can always have you back, no matter what, the true impact of the breakup will never hit him!

He will also have no reason to fight for you and try to win you over again.

That’s why you need to walk away from him, at least to some degree, to get him to come back to you.

Like I mentioned before, there are two ways of going about this.

Cutting him off the right way will make him miss you when you’re gone.

Doing no-contact the wrong way will only make him move on faster.

How NOT to Cut Him Off

There is a pattern I observed on how women react to being broken up with.

First they are chasing their ex, trying to prove how much they care and how special the relationship was with apologies, writing letters etc.

But when all their efforts remain fruitless, they inevitably burn out.

And then they cut him off as a last attempt at getting him to want them again.

Unfortunately, there are two big mistakes here, that a lot of women make when doing no-contact that only motivate men to pull away more and start looking for a new relationship.

Cutting Him off Without Warning or Explanation Will Only Create More Damage

The first big mistake is: suddenly going no contact without any warning or explanation.

You’re not communicating anything to your ex, you just stop responding or even ghost him.

The thing about treating someone this way is that it’s a huge breach of trust.

It only breaks things and creates more problems, often in an already struggling relationship, that’s hanging by a thread.

In his head, your ex thinks that you still care about him, at least to some degree. When you cut him off this way, it communicates that you don’t anymore.

Men do not respond well to this kind of rejection.

He’ll think to himself:

I was right to break up. If she doesn’t care about me anymore, I’m going to go and find somebody else who will”.

When You Cut Him off Completely, You Give Up All Control Over the Situation

The second big mistake women make when cutting off their ex is that they completely stop all communication.

Ironically, a lot of dating and relationship experts recommend that you do full no-contact for a set period of time.

I disagree with this approach.

The problem with it, is that cutting him off completely means giving up all control of what he is doing and whom he is seeing.

Yes, theoretically if you’re broken up, you can’t prevent your ex from dating other women anyway.

But breakups are messy and most of the time men don’t know what they are really doing.

Your ex might start doing things just to provoke you. However, if you’re in full no contact mode, you won’t be able to respond to it in any way.

On top of it all, he will read your behavior as you not being interested in him anymore, and take it as a cue for him to truly leave you and try to move on.

How to Cut Him off to Make Him Miss You

Now that you know the biggest pitfalls no-contact can lead to, let’s finally discuss how to do it in a way that will get you the results you’re hoping for.

Two extremely important things to do when cutting him off are: telling him why you’re doing it, and also leaving some sort of open communication channel.

When Gabriel broke up with me for the third time, he actually wanted to meet up on the next day. Back then, I was just way too angry and hurt to want to see him. So I told him I needed space.

I made it very clear why I was cutting him off and that he can still reach me, if he needs to.

He knew I still cared about him, but I was just upset.

Me communicating that totally changed the power dynamic between us, he felt bad and became apologetic.

After that exchange, we barely talked for a few weeks.

We had an open communication channel. He reached out to me a few times to check in, talk briefly, clarify things etc.

It didn’t make him change his mind about the breakup right away.

Cutting him off didn’t have an immediate effect. In fact, it rarely does.

BUT, today when we talk about it, he agrees that had I cut off all contact, he might have just moved on because he wouldn’t have had the chance to realize he missed me.

This brings me to my next point…

How Long Does It Take a Guy to Realize He Misses You

Guys can be very stubborn. Once they decide they want to break up, they tend to stick with it, at least for a few weeks.

Much like you’ll go through certain phases after a breakup, so will he.

Initially, he is going to be happy with his newfound freedom. At the same time, he’ll also start missing you, the moment he realizes that you’re gone.

He might even start sending you subtle cues that he is waiting for you to get you back.

But whatever his reasons for breaking up were, they are going to outweigh the benefits of having you in his life. At least in the beginning.

That’s why you can expect him to remain distant and guarded in that first stage after the breakup.

This is particularly true if you know your ex to be emotionally unavailable.

Different people need a different amount of time to snap out of this stubborn frame of mind.

But judging from my coaching experience, it generally takes two weeks up to a month after the breakup for an ex to realize he misses you so much, he’ll want to start getting back in touch on a regular basis.

However, this period of time can be much longer if you guys have been together for a couple of years and the breakup happened because you were fighting too much, or due to some other serious relationship issues.

Generally speaking, the bigger the problem, the longer it will take for your ex to let his guard down and start showing you that he still cares.

Additionally, in most cases, cutting him off is NOT going to be enough to get him to come back to you and want to commit to you again.

Getting Him to Want You Back After Cutting Him Off

I know that a lot of you guys hope that doing no-contact will be all that’s needed for your ex to have this sudden realization he made a terrible mistake, do a complete 180, apologize and beg you to take him back.

I get it, I felt the exact same way after our breakups.

It’s hard to deal with being rejected. It’s only natural that you’d want him to take it all back and admit that he was wrong.

Sometimes it doesn’t happen this way, but unfortunately they are very rare.

In most cases, getting your ex back is not so much of a sudden event, but more of a gradual process.

On one hand, it will require you to set boundaries with him and cut him off from his boyfriend privileges.

But at the same time, you also have to reel him in to get him to come out of his stubborn shell.

If you feel lost and a bit hopeless about this whole situation, we can guide you through it in our Get Your Ex Back Course.

Here, you’ll find a step-by-step plan of what to do to get your ex to not only miss you, but also to want to commit to you again.

We’ll also explain in detail why men can act so cool and careless after breakups, and that it’s just a bluff you can get him to drop.

Click here to check out Get Your Ex Back.

In case you want to know more about how Gabriel and I got back together, check out my other post: How I Got Him Back - 5 Ways to Make Your Ex Want You Again

And if you have any questions, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you!


Signs He Knows He Hurt You – and Feels Guilty

Signs He Knows He Hurt You – and Feels Guilty

Photo by Anete Lusina

So he did something that really hurt you.

And this is not like the other times, where it was a small enough incident that you could forget it within the next hour.

No, this was really hurtful, thoughtless and maybe even cruel.

For some of you, it might have even led to a breakup, and he’s your ‘ex’ now.

And to make things worse, he’s not even giving you signs that he knows he hurt you.

Which means he’s hurting you with the incident itself and adding to it, by not acknowledging your pain.

He sure has some nerve…

And all of it might make you wonder:

  • Does he feel guilty for hurting you?
  • Is he hurting too?
  • How does a man feel after he hurts a woman?

And if so, what are the signs that he knows he hurt you?

In this post, we’re going to get to the bottom of it all!

We’ll put a stop to overthinking that’s got you turning in circles, by answering these questions from above.

And after going over the signs, we’ll also talk about what you can do to make him REALIZE that he hurt you and then REGRET IT.

What Are the Signs That Someone Feels Guilty for Hurting You

Before we cover the signs to look for, a word of warning:

Be careful not to fall for them too quickly!

Because he might be giving you the signs for an EFFECT and be trying to get on your good side without earning it.

So don’t let him do that right away!

Especially if it’s with your ex-boyfriend.

(And if you’re really unlucky, he’ll also have the tendencies of a player.)

I know it can be really hurtful to resist just getting back to the familiar and ‘make everything alright again’.

But if he hurt you this badly, he needs to learn a lesson and understand that there are consequences for his actions.

This is the only way he’ll ADMIT that he realizes he hurt you and is sorry.

Here are the 7 signs he’ll give you, so you can know that HE KNOWS that he hurt you and is feeling guilty about it:

1. He Texts and Calls More

How does a guilty man act, you ask?

Well, he’ll be sure to find excuses to text and call you more often and regularly than he has in the past:

  • “Oh, just wanted to see how you were doing.”
  • “I was wondering how that thing of yours went?”
  • “How was your day?”
  • “Did you see what happened in the news?”

Yes. He will put his best foot forward and give you all that attention you’ve been desperate for, because he knows he hurt you and feels guilty.

Consider this a first sign.

2. He Does Things for You

“Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and happened to be at the hardware store and happened to remember that your sink was playing up, and happened to have all my gear with me… So I thought since I’m passing by, I might as well have a look at it and fix it for ya.”

Us men can be weird.

At times, we’re awful with words and emotionally unavailable, so we DO things for you instead to try and make it right when we’ve caused you pain.

So if your guy is unusually active and looking for excuses to help you out in some way, then yeah.

You’ve definitely got yourself a sign that he knows he hurt you.

3. He Comes Bearing Gifts

Another cliché that never stops giving.

“I didn’t want that kitchen table of yours looking all lonesome, and since it’s the season ‘n all, I figured I’d get you a bouquet of your favorite flowers to decorate, ya know?”

Watch out for these kinds of signs.

He’ll look for things he can buy you as an indirect, unspoken apology because he knows he really hurt you.

4. He Just Won’t Leave You Alone

Previously he was all about needing his space

But now, he’ll call, text and do things for you or give you gifts, just anything and everything to find excuses to NOT leave you alone.

So, he’s trying a form of combination of the first three signs we mentioned.

You can think of it as your (ex)boyfriend having zero aim and little understanding of what you truly need, but his heart’s in the right place…

That’s why he’ll load a truck full of all the good he can offer, come over to your place and overwhelm you with it all, hoping something will stick and make you forgive him, because he knows he caused you pain.

5. He’s (Hesitantly) Apologetic

As mentioned, men can have a tough time putting emotions into words.

It’s like he’s got a block of something stuck in his throat that only permits indecipherable grunts and limited facial expressions.

And he’ll be proudly proclaiming that he made his apology, when all you got was:

“I’ll admit that I could’ve done things a bit better.”

Depending on your guy, he’ll be okay at- or downright miserable with apologies.

Nevertheless, it’s how a person acts when they are guilty, so consider it another sign that he knows he hurt you.

6. He Gives You Puppy Eyes

You know that cute face he puts on when he wants something from you?

Yeah, that one.

Well, he’s gonna dial that absurdly irresistible adorableness to a whole different dimension so that you simply can’t resist him.

As previously mentioned, be weary of such cuteness-overload tactics and make sure he acknowledges his mistake and that he hurt you.

But him trying to win you over this way, is another sign that he knows he hurt you.

7. He Makes Promises to Change

When he feels like he’s on your good side again, he’ll likely make sweeping promises of all the things he will (or already has changed) and how everything will be different this time.

Again, if it’s your ex that hurt you, be careful and take things slowly.

Because as well intended and genuine as his promises may be, things don’t change so quickly in relationships.

But his promises are definitely another sign that he knows he hurt you.

So now we’ve covered all the signs with which he can (often indirectly) communicate that he understands and knows he messed up.

Here they are again:

  1. He Texts and Calls More
  2. He Does Things for You
  3. He Comes Bearing Gifts
  4. He Just Won’t Leave You Alone
  5. He’s (Hesitantly) Apologetic
  6. He Gives You Puppy Eyes
  7. He Makes Promises to Change

But what if he doesn’t give you these signs?

What if he’s so stuck up in his own ways, that he doesn’t even realize what he’s done?

Well, in that case you’ll unfortunately have to make him realize it.

How Do You Make Someone Realize They Hurt You

I’ll be honest with you, it’s not easy.

As we’ve previously covered, there are reasons why relationships are complicated.

And depending on his character, your (ex)boyfriend might have a really difficult time recognizing that he hurt you.

BUT, it is common in relationships!

Both Karolina and I know how hard it can be, because we’ve had our own struggles in realizing we hurt each other.

And we learned the hard way, that in order to make him realize he made a mistake, there are 2 things you need to do:

  1. Show him that you’re hurt
  2. Talk about why he doesn’t see he hurt you

Let’s cover both in more detail.

1. Show Him That You’re Hurt

Now, it may sound obvious, but we’ve seen too many cases of men hurting their partner, and she DOESN’T make it clear that she’s hurt.

Sometimes this is because she’s afraid of rocking the boat and escalating the conflict.

But other times it’s because she expects him to read between the lines and see the signs.

Either way, you’d be setting yourself up for disappointment.

Instead, show him and let him know that you’re hurt.

Wear it on your sleeve and DON’T make a secret of it.

And if that still isn’t enough to make him realize he hurt you (which admittedly is often the case), then we move to the next step.

2. Talk About Why He Doesn’t See That He Hurt You

If you’re not getting anywhere by showing him that you’re hurt, then it’s a sign that he’s BLIND to the fact that his behavior hurts you.

This is a very crucial point to understand.

Because if he can’t see that he’s causing you pain, by extension, he can’t give you the acknowledgement and apology you need.

You’re then stuck in scenarios where you’re endlessly chasing him for an apology that he CAN’T give you.

Much like with men who think they do nothing wrong.

So in order to change this, you first need to talk to him about why he doesn’t see that he hurt you.

Why is he blind to it?

You’ll need to have gentle conversations with him about it, and the reason he has difficulty realizing he hurt you is often because he’s blind to his own pain about similar issues.

He doesn’t really know or understand.

So be sure to take things slow and gain his trust, otherwise he’ll just throw up another wall.

Once you’ve had those conversations, he’ll be less blind to his own pain and in turn be able to realize that he hurt you.

How Do You Make a Guy Regret Hurting You

Some of you have asked how you can make a man feel bad for hurting you.

Well, once you’ve helped him be less blind to his own pain, he’ll finally see what he’s put you through and with that will come A LOT of regret.

He’ll see all the difficulty and pain he caused, and the fact that you stuck it through with him will also make him realize YOUR VALUE!

You can likely expect him to regret it for a long time, and he’ll keep bringing up moments from the past that he’s reframed and finally recognize them as painful moments he caused for you.

I’ll admit that some men can be a difficult case to crack, and their walls feel like concrete barricades that are impossible to penetrate.

And experiencing repeated rejection and ignoring from a guy like this can feel really discouraging.

But this is where one-on-one Coaching could help you out.

In a coaching call, we’ll listen to you, to get a crystal clear picture of what your situation is with your man.

You’ll then get clear actionable steps to take, which will lead to him finally understanding the pain he caused you and give you an appropriate apology.

Which in turn will help you heal and find security in your relationship again.

Click here to check out Coaching Calls.

We also have a post that you might find helpful for your situation that you can read here 4 Steps to Make Him Worry About Losing You.

Let me know if you have any questions in the comments section and I’ll get back to you!


7 Signs He Will Never Come Back – How to if Tell Your Ex Is Over You

7 Signs He Will Never Come Back – How to if Tell Your Ex Is Over You

Photo by JoelValve

There is really no point waiting for a guy who will never come back.

But at the same time, giving up and letting go of a relationship is extremely difficult…

It takes two people to fix a relationship after a breakup.

You can’t force someone to give you a second chance. You can’t make him see things your way, either.

As hard as it might be to accept this, sometimes it’s better to just cut your losses and move on.

But in order to be able to do that, you need to know for sure that your ex truly is over you.

You need to feel like you’re reading the signs correctly and making the right choice.

That you did everything you possibly could to fix things, but he made up his mind already, and that it was just not meant to be…

Here is a list of signs to help you know that he is over you and will most likely never come back:

1. He’s Blocked You on Everything

Blocking someone on social media and other messaging platforms is a very strong way of communicating that you don’t want to stay in touch with this person.

Unfortunately, it’s a sign that he is done with you guys and wants to move on.

If your ex did this to you, you’re likely very hurt. So much so, you might be questioning whether he really meant it.

“Why would he go to these lengths?! He didn’t have to do this… Is he just overreacting and will change his mind a couple of weeks further down the line?”

Regardless of his reasons for doing this, he is going to these lengths because he wants you to take the breakup seriously.

I know this might be hard to hear, but it’s a sign he is not intending on coming back.

It’s a whole other story if he just ghosted you, though.

Ghosting is suddenly cutting on contact without any warning or explanation.

It doesn’t usually include blocking someone on social media. It’s enough for him to just stop replying to your texts.

The purpose of this sad behavior is to actually leave a window of doubt so that he can then potentially get back in touch and restart the relationship as though the falling out never happened.

That’s why ghosters do often come back….

2. He Is Actively Avoiding You

Another strong indicator that your ex will most likely never come back is when he is doing everything in his power to avoid ever meeting you in person.

An example of this would be: him not showing up to parties with friends you two have in common, dropping off his keys in a mailbox, asking a friend to pick up his stuff for him, etc.

You might be wondering: “Why is he acting so silly?? If he was over me, he wouldn’t need to play these kinds of games…”

The thing is, him doing this is him letting you know he made up his mind already.

He wants to move on and is just making sure there are no more openings for you guys to slip into your old patterns.

I know this too is likely hard to hear, but a guy is actively avoiding you the whole time it’s because he wants to gradually distance himself from you.

Unfortunately, it’s another sign he is likely never going to come back.

3. He Picked up All His Stuff Already

Your ex keeping his things at your place after a break-up is a bit like him having an emotional guarantee. It likely comforts him to think that you guys still have something in common.

It’s as though a part of him is still with you…

It’s also a way of ensuring that he will have a reason to meet up with you at least once more. (In order to pick up all the stuff he is letting you keep for now.)

Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.

If your ex has been adamant about getting back all of his things already, know that he is serious about the breakup.

It’s his way of showing you that he doesn’t want or need any ties with you.

Unfortunately, it’s another sign that he is likely over you and is not planing on coming back.

4. He Avoids Any One-On-One Time

When two people are unsure about their decision to break up and still feel drawn to each other, they’ll seek out opportunities to be alone together and possibly feel closer again.

And on the contrary, when a guy is fully resolved that he is over you, he will try to make sure that nothing comes in the way of his decision.

Much like when it comes to him avoiding seeing you, one on one time has the potential to make him slip into old patterns. It can also just lead to awkward silence and painful distance.

So if your ex has been making sure you’re never alone together, know that he is likely doing it in order to avoid any uncomfortable situations.

It’s another sad sign that he lost his feelings for you and will likely never come back.

5. He Remains Distant and Guarded

This point and the previous one tend to go hand in hand.

If you’ve seen your ex recently, and he was acting extremely distant and guarded, know that he is likely very hurt.

So much so, he probably doesn’t trust you anymore, that’s why he put his walls up and is not intending on bringing them back down anymore.

The thing is, it takes two to rebuild trust in a relationship after it’s been broken.

If you’ve been trying to get your ex to open up, and it’s not having any effect; he just continues to stay distant and guarded no matter what, it might be because his mind is made up already.

It’s another sad sign that he is over you and doesn’t want to get back together.

A word of warning here, it could also be that your ex is emotionally unavailable.

Men with these character traits have a hard time showing their true feelings and letting you know where they are really at.

An emotionally unavailable man can act extremely distant and miss you at the same time!

6. You Feel Like He Became a Different Person

When two people are together, they have their ways of interacting with each other. This means giving each other cute nicknames, having insider jokes etc.

After a breakup, this kind of relating generally dies down. It rarely completely disappears, though.

But if your ex is a feels like a stranger and stays a stranger for a long time, know it’s a sign that he is not wanting to let you in anymore.

He likely lost his feelings for you and is now relating to you in a totally new way.

Unfortunately, it’s another sign that he is moving on and most likely will never come back.

7. You Haven’t Been in Touch for Months

When a couple breaks up, their feelings for one another don’t just vanish from one day onto the next.

It’s normal to pull away and take a break from each other.

One of you or both of you might be very hurt and angry, however, the connection you guys share deep down is still there.

Time heals all wounds, unfortunately it can gradually dissipate feelings too.

Maybe you even tried cutting him off in the hopes that it will make him miss you. But he just didn’t react to it at all.

As sad as it is, if your ex hasn’t reached out to you or replied to your text since at least 3 to 6 months, know it’s likely that he is over you, and there simply is no point waiting for him anymore.

Him not reaching out or not responding to anything you write is in fact a response.

Think about it, if he hasn’t come back by now, he will likely never come back.

How Do You Tell if He’s Over You

Hope that after reading all these signs, you understand your situation better and know what the odds are for getting your ex to want you back.

Not every relationship is meant to be.

It takes two people to fix things, and if he made up his mind already, there is nothing you can do about it.

So if three or more of these signs fit your circumstances, know that there is really no point waiting for him.

Don’t let a guy endlessly reject you over and over again. It will only break your heart even more.

More importantly, you deciding to give up and move on might be the very thing that can get him to finally realize what he is losing.

My husband broke with me three times in the first years of our relationship, too.

Every one of those times, I actually took him seriously and tried to move on almost right away.

Ironically, this attitude is a big part of what got him to come back to me. If you’re interested, you can read more of our story here.

Moving on after a breakup is very difficult.

It’s hard to give up and let go of somebody you once cared for. It’s also hard to know if you’re doing the right thing.

Maybe deep down you’re still unsure and want to keep on fighting for him.

Or maybe you’ve had enough but feel bad about moving on.

I can help you make sense of all this mess in a coaching call.

Here, I’ll share stories from my own experience, as well as what I’ve learned from our clients. Together we will then figure out what it is that you really need.

I’ll also give you actionable tips to help you get the things you want from him. Regardless, whether it’s about getting closure or about getting him back.

Click here to check out our Coaching Calls

If after reading these signs, none of them or very few actually fit your situation, then perhaps your ex isn’t over you…

In that case, you might want to check out: 9 Signs Your Ex Is Waiting for You and Secretly Wants You Back

But if a lot of the signs fit, you might find more comfort in reading: 7 Emotions You’ll Feel After a Long-Term Relationship Breakup

And if you have any further questions, leave me a comment, and I’ll get back to you!