“Oh, I just happened to be in the neighborhood and happened to be at the hardware store and happened to remember that your sink was playing up, and happened to have all my gear with me… So I thought since I’m passing by, I might as well have a look at it and fix it for ya.”
So if your guy is unusually active and looking for excuses to help you out in some way, then yeah.
You’ve definitely got yourself a sign that he knows he hurt you.
3. He Comes Bearing Gifts
Another cliché that never stops giving.
“I didn’t want that kitchen table of yours looking all lonesome, and since it’s the season ‘n all, I figured I’d get you a bouquet of your favorite flowers to decorate, ya know?”
Watch out for these kinds of signs.
He’ll look for things he can buy you as an indirect, unspoken apology because he knows he really hurt you.
But now, he’ll call, text and do things for you or give you gifts, just anything and everything to find excuses to NOT leave you alone.
So, he’s trying a form of combination of the first three signs we mentioned.
You can think of it as your (ex)boyfriend having zero aim and little understanding of what you truly need, but his heart’s in the right place…
That’s why he’ll load a truck full of all the good he can offer, come over to your place and overwhelm you with it all, hoping something will stick and make you forgive him, because he knows he caused you pain.
5. He’s (Hesitantly) Apologetic
As mentioned, men can have a tough time putting emotions into words.
It’s like he’s got a block of something stuck in his throat that only permits indecipherable grunts and limited facial expressions.
And he’ll be proudly proclaiming that he made his apology, when all you got was:
“I’ll admit that I could’ve done things a bit better.”
Depending on your guy, he’ll be okay at- or downright miserable with apologies.
Nevertheless, it’s how a person acts when they are guilty, so consider it another sign that he knows he hurt you.
6. He Gives You Puppy Eyes
You know that cute face he puts on when he wants something from you?
Yeah, that one.
Well, he’s gonna dial that absurdly irresistible adorableness to a whole different dimension so that you simply can’t resist him.
As previously mentioned, be weary of such cuteness-overload tactics and make sure he acknowledges his mistake and that he hurt you.
But him trying to win you over this way, is another sign that he knows he hurt you.
7. He Makes Promises to Change
When he feels like he’s on your good side again, he’ll likely make sweeping promises of all the things he will (or already has changed) and how everything will be different this time.
Again, if it’s your ex that hurt you, be careful and take things slowly.
Because as well intended and genuine as his promises may be, things don’t change so quickly in relationships.
But his promises are definitely another sign that he knows he hurt you.
So now we’ve covered all the signs with which he can (often indirectly) communicate that he understands and knows he messed up.
Here they are again:
He Texts and Calls More
He Does Things for You
He Comes Bearing Gifts
He Just Won’t Leave You Alone
He’s (Hesitantly) Apologetic
He Gives You Puppy Eyes
He Makes Promises to Change
But what if he doesn’t give you these signs?
What if he’s so stuck up in his own ways, that he doesn’t even realize what he’s done?
Well, in that case you’ll unfortunately have to make him realize it.
So in order to change this, you first need to talk to him about why he doesn’t see that he hurt you.
Why is he blind to it?
You’ll need to have gentle conversations with him about it, and the reason he has difficulty realizing he hurt you is often because he’s blind to his own pain about similar issues.
He doesn’t really know or understand.
So be sure to take things slow and gain his trust, otherwise he’ll just throw up another wall.
Once you’ve had those conversations, he’ll be less blind to his own pain and in turn be able to realize that he hurt you.
How Do You Make a Guy Regret Hurting You
Some of you have asked how you can make a man feel bad for hurting you.
Well, once you’ve helped him be less blind to his own pain, he’ll finally see what he’s put you through and with that will come A LOT of regret.
He’ll see all the difficulty and pain he caused, and the fact that you stuck it through with him will also make him realize YOUR VALUE!
You can likely expect him to regret it for a long time, and he’ll keep bringing up moments from the past that he’s reframed and finally recognize them as painful moments he caused for you.
I’ll admit that some men can be a difficult case to crack, and their walls feel like concrete barricades that are impossible to penetrate.
And experiencing repeated rejection and ignoring from a guy like this can feel really discouraging.
In a coaching call, we’ll listen to you, to get a crystal clear picture of what your situation is with your man.
You’ll then get clear actionable steps to take, which will lead to him finally understanding the pain he caused you and give you an appropriate apology.
Which in turn will help you heal and find security in your relationship again.
There is really no point waiting for a guy who will never come back.
But at the same time, giving up and letting go of a relationship is extremely difficult…
It takes two people to fix a relationship after a breakup.
You can’t force someone to give you a second chance. You can’t make him see things your way, either.
As hard as it might be to accept this, sometimes it’s better to just cut your losses and move on.
But in order to be able to do that, you need to know for sure that your ex truly is over you.
You need to feel like you’re reading the signs correctly and making the right choice.
That you did everything you possibly could to fix things, but he made up his mind already, and that it was just not meant to be…
Here is a list of signs to help you know that he is over you and will most likely never come back:
1. He’s Blocked You on Everything
Blocking someone on social media and other messaging platforms is a very strong way of communicating that you don’t want to stay in touch with this person.
Unfortunately, it’s a sign that he is done with you guys and wants to move on.
If your ex did this to you, you’re likely very hurt. So much so, you might be questioning whether he really meant it.
“Why would he go to these lengths?! He didn’t have to do this… Is he just overreacting and will change his mind a couple of weeks further down the line?”
Regardless of his reasons for doing this, he is going to these lengths because he wants you to take the breakup seriously.
I know this might be hard to hear, but it’s a sign he is not intending on coming back.
Ghosting is suddenly cutting on contact without any warning or explanation.
It doesn’t usually include blocking someone on social media. It’s enough for him to just stop replying to your texts.
The purpose of this sad behavior is to actually leave a window of doubt so that he can then potentially get back in touch and restart the relationship as though the falling out never happened.
Another strong indicator that your ex will most likely never come back is when he is doing everything in his power to avoid ever meeting you in person.
An example of this would be: him not showing up to parties with friends you two have in common, dropping off his keys in a mailbox, asking a friend to pick up his stuff for him, etc.
You might be wondering: “Why is he acting so silly?? If he was over me, he wouldn’t need to play these kinds of games…”
The thing is, him doing this is him letting you know he made up his mind already.
He wants to move on and is just making sure there are no more openings for you guys to slip into your old patterns.
I know this too is likely hard to hear, but a guy is actively avoiding you the whole time it’s because he wants to gradually distance himself from you.
Unfortunately, it’s another sign he is likely never going to come back.
3. He Picked up All His Stuff Already
Your ex keeping his things at your place after a break-up is a bit like him having an emotional guarantee. It likely comforts him to think that you guys still have something in common.
It’s as though a part of him is still with you…
It’s also a way of ensuring that he will have a reason to meet up with you at least once more. (In order to pick up all the stuff he is letting you keep for now.)
Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.
If your ex has been adamant about getting back all of his things already, know that he is serious about the breakup.
It’s his way of showing you that he doesn’t want or need any ties with you.
Unfortunately, it’s another sign that he is likely over you and is not planing on coming back.
4. He Avoids Any One-On-One Time
When two people are unsure about their decision to break up and still feel drawn to each other, they’ll seek out opportunities to be alone together and possibly feel closer again.
And on the contrary, when a guy is fully resolved that he is over you, he will try to make sure that nothing comes in the way of his decision.
Much like when it comes to him avoiding seeing you, one on one time has the potential to make him slip into old patterns. It can also just lead to awkward silence and painful distance.
So if your ex has been making sure you’re never alone together, know that he is likely doing it in order to avoid any uncomfortable situations.
It’s another sad sign that he lost his feelings for you and will likely never come back.
5. He Remains Distant and Guarded
This point and the previous one tend to go hand in hand.
If you’ve seen your ex recently, and he was acting extremely distant and guarded, know that he is likely very hurt.
So much so, he probably doesn’t trust you anymore, that’s why he put his walls up and is not intending on bringing them back down anymore.
If you’ve been trying to get your ex to open up, and it’s not having any effect; he just continues to stay distant and guarded no matter what, it might be because his mind is made up already.
It’s another sad sign that he is over you and doesn’t want to get back together.
A word of warning here, it could also be that your ex is emotionally unavailable.
Men with these character traits have a hard time showing their true feelings and letting you know where they are really at.
When two people are together, they have their ways of interacting with each other. This means giving each other cute nicknames, having insider jokes etc.
After a breakup, this kind of relating generally dies down. It rarely completely disappears, though.
But if your ex is a feels like a stranger and stays a stranger for a long time, know it’s a sign that he is not wanting to let you in anymore.
He likely lost his feelings for you and is now relating to you in a totally new way.
Unfortunately, it’s another sign that he is moving on and most likely will never come back.
7. You Haven’t Been in Touch for Months
When a couple breaks up, their feelings for one another don’t just vanish from one day onto the next.
As sad as it is, if your ex hasn’t reached out to you or replied to your text since at least 3 to 6 months, know it’s likely that he is over you, and there simply is no point waiting for him anymore.
It’s hard to give up and let go of somebody you once cared for. It’s also hard to know if you’re doing the right thing.
Maybe deep down you’re still unsure and want to keep on fighting for him.
Or maybe you’ve had enough but feel bad about moving on.
I can help you make sense of all this mess in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll share stories from my own experience, as well as what I’ve learned from our clients. Together we will then figure out what it is that you really need.
I’ll also give you actionable tips to help you get the things you want from him. Regardless, whether it’s about getting closure or about getting him back.
He knows everything and is the unequivocal expert on all matters in your relationship and beyond.
If something goes wrong or if you’re unhappy, that’s all on you.
Because again, your husband thinks he does nothing wrong. So by extension, if it’s not him, then it’s implied (or he straight up tells you) that it’s all somehow YOUR fault.
So the type of person to never apologize and insist they are always right, are typically ones who have experienced excessive punishment over (often small) mistakes.
And when you try to make him see his mistake, he thinks you’re trying to find a way to make him wrong and justify punishing him.
Make sense?
Now, this DOES NOT mean that his behavior is okay, and that you have to put up with it!
But seeing it from this perspective will give you much more power over him in your relationship dynamic.
Which brings us to…
How Do You Deal With a Husband Who Is Never Wrong
First things first.
Don’t try to fight fire with fire.
You know from your own experience that when you live with someone who is never wrong, the more you attack and try to make him see he’s wrong, the more he’ll stonewall you.
Your husband will just plant his feet and selfishly insist he’s done nothing wrong.
Pushing won’t get you anywhere with him. It’ll also drain you fast and make you lose patience…
But how do you deal with a rigid husband, then??
You need to gain his trust, so he reveals his vulnerable side.
Previously, we covered how when you try to deal with a husband who thinks he is always right, you need to keep in mind that he is afraid of being wrong.
And he is afraid of admitting he’s done something wrong because he believes that it would mean he deserves punishment.
So the only way to actually get through your husband’s defense mechanism is to gain his trust and make him feel safe.
In other words, you need to build and demonstrate that there’s a big safety net for him with giant letters that read:
It’s OKAY to be wrong and make mistakes.
Nothing bad will happen to you.
Only then will you be able to make your husband realize his mistake.
Otherwise, he’ll fight you tooth and nail and never admit he’s wrong, because he doesn’t trust you yet.
It was the same for me with Karolina and I guarantee you, your husband is eyeing you up the same way, thinking:
“Can I really trust her?”
What’s important to note here, is that men are secretly desperate for this kind of safe space, where they can admit fault and feel safe.
Because believe me, the pressure of keeping up the facade of always being ‘right’ and having it all figured out, is actually an immense weight that we’re eager to unload.
And your husband will fall into your arms, pouring his heart out and apologizing for all his wrong doings…
Now, this information alone will give you a great advantage already, and you can start thinking about your strategy based on what we’ve talked about here.
And if you’d like more details on how to best go about building this safety net, have a look at our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
Here you’ll learn the right mindset and tools you need to get him from being an uncaring husband, to trusting you with admitting he was wrong and finally telling you those words “I’m sorry.”
We also break down and show you the exact steps we took in our own relationship for Karolina to get through my defenses and gain my trust enough to share these vulnerable things.
But what we need in these moments is to be reminded of why love is WORTH fighting for.
To assert that you’re not giving up and clearly state your desires.
This is where relationship affirmations come in.
They will remind you of all the great efforts you are already making AND get you in touch with additional relationship aspirations, that’ll help you feed the positivity.
What Are Relationship Affirmations
In case you’re new to affirmations:
Affirmations are positive statements that help you focus on the outcomes you desire.
So in the context of relationships, they are the affirmations for the love and connection we all crave.
Another way to think about them is as a counter force to negative thoughts about your relationship.
The affirmations keep the negativity at bay and reinforce all the good stuff instead.
I’ve structured the best affirmations into types, so that you can scroll straight to the ones that you need the most.
And without further ado, here are some of the most powerful affirmations for you, to manifest the relationship you want.
Relationship Affirmation Types:
Healthy Relationship Affirmations
Happy Relationship Affirmations
Lasting Relationship Affirmations
Romantic Relationship Affirmations
Commitment Affirmations
Marriage Affirmations
Healthy Relationship Affirmations
I balance mine and my partner’s needs
I am strong enough to face our relationship challenges
I take time and space from my relationship when I need it
I listen to my own and my partner’s needs
I will be honest and open with my partner
My partner and I share a deep harmonious bond
We keep our relationship healthy and nurture it
We communicate truthfully and lovingly
We accept our relationship as imperfect but continue to learn and grow
Our relationship is built on honesty and trust
Happy Relationship Affirmations
I deserve happiness in my relationship
I choose to build on the positivity in our relationship
I feel happy and smile when I think of him
I am grateful for the peace and stability we share
I am happy to give and receive love
I am worthy of abundant happiness
My relationship gives me a sense of safety and feeling content
My partner and I make our happiness a top priority
My partner and I deserve all the imaginable joy in our relationship
Our journey is towards a harmonious & happy relationship
Lasting Relationship Affirmations
I will do my best to support and love my partner
I put my relationship and happiness first
I appreciate our lasting love
My partner and I stand by each other
My partner and I accept each other’s strengths and weaknesses
My partner and I openly communicate our desires and boundaries
We get through the tough times by supporting each other
We deserve a fulfilling, happy and lasting relationship
Our relationship bond will last a lifetime
Our love is greater than the challenges we face
Romantic Relationship Affirmations
I deserve love, affection and romance in my relationship
I make gestures of romance and appreciation for my partner
I am inspired to show my love through romantic gestures
I am worthy of receiving romantic gestures
I allow time for creating romantic evenings with my partner
I notice the small romantic moments in our everyday relationship
Romance strengthens and deepens the bond with my partner
We love the spontaneity romance brings to our relationship
Our relationship grows through romance
Our relationship is like an epic romantic tale with a happy end
Commitment Affirmations
I am wholeheartedly committed to my relationship
I am happy and secure in my relationship
I trust my partner and my partner trusts me
With every passing year, I am happier in my relationship
My partner and I choose to commit to our relationship
We are meant to be together
The love in our relationship is boundless
Nothing can come between our relationship
Our relationship is built on respect and loyalty
Our commitment to each other only grows deeper
Marriage Affirmations
I nurture and protect our marriage
I love and cherish my spouse
I seek moments to express my love and appreciation
I choose to stand by my spouse
We treat each other better than when we first met
We are happily married
We meet each other’s needs
We continue to treat each other with respect and appreciation
Our marriage is committed to truth and love
Our marriage can withstand anything
Do Affirmations Work for Relationships
Now, some of you might be wondering whether reading relationship affirmations can really invoke the positive change you wish for.
Reminding yourself of what you want in your relationship and focusing on those values with affirmations helps in the following ways:
It keeps you focused on what is working
You stay in touch with your relationship goals
Your focus is on the positive instead of the negative
Simply put, relationship affirmations are a tool to visualize the relationship you want.
No wonder you’re tired of begging for attention in your relationship, having to constantly beg your boyfriend or husband for any proof of love and care is absolutely exhausting!
Maybe you’re so frustrated with this situation, it makes you question if he cares about you at all….
Or worse yet, his absent-mindedness and rejection is already taking a toll on your confidence and making you feel like perhaps you’re the one who is doing something wrong.
Regardless of what your situation is exactly, know that you’re not alone with this!
I, too, used to have a really hard time getting the attention I wanted and needed from my boyfriend, friends or even my family.
And first off, I want to reassure you: there is a way out of this!
You can break out of this vicious cycle of having to constantly beg for attention and never actually getting enough of it.
In this post, let’s talk about why we feel like we have to beg for attention and how to fix it.
Why Do I Have to Beg for Attention
If you’re feeling tired of having to beg for attention the whole time, you’re likely also lost as to how it’s come to this.
That’s why I’ll start off explaining what is going on in relationships that face this very problem.
The direct reason you feel like you have to beg for attention, is because you’ve been unsuccessfully trying to get it for a while now and feel like begging for it is all you have left!
In other words, your partner isn’t giving you the attention you need.
But why is it sometimes SO HARD to get enough love and care from your significant other?!
The answer to this question is likely not what you’d expect.
There are two main factors that cause people to become so desperate that they resort to begging for attention in a relationship:
1. Your Partner Is Blind to Your Needs
Yes, that’s right. It’s not that he doesn’t care about you.
It’s very likely that he simply doesn’t understand the things you’re needing from him.
For example, I wanted to feel like I’m more important to my boyfriend than his job, and that was a bit of an alien concept to him.
I had to explain it for a long time and in great detail for him to be able to get what I was needing from him and why.
Which brings me to the second big factor that is likely contributing to you feeling tired of having to beg for his attention…
2. You Might Not Be Communicating Your Needs in a Way He Can Understand
When we’re in a romantic relationship, we often feel so close to our boyfriend or husband, we tend to assume that they know what we’re thinking.
These kinds of assumptions could not be further from the truth!
Unfortunately, loving each other doesn’t mean you can read each other’s mind.
To make matters worse, us women typically just hint at what we want in the hopes that our boyfriend or husband will catch on…
…and when he doesn’t, we jump to conclusions, get upset and feel like we have to start begging for things.
So, the second big reason why you’ve been forced to beg for his attention, could be that you don’t yet know how to ask for it in a way your partner can understand and respect.
This brings me to my next point:
Is It Okay to Ask For Attention in a Relationship?
I used to resort to the hinting technique in the past too.
I did it because I believed that straight-up asking for what I wanted would make me seem desperate or needy.
In reality, the opposite is true.
It’s leaving hints and subtle messages, that leads to us eventually having to beg for attention.
Which definitely makes us look desperate and needy!
So yes, it’s okay to ask for attention in a relationship!
In fact, it’s more than ok, it’s what can give you the best chances at actually getting attention!
How to Stop Begging for Attention
Now that you know why you had to beg for his attention and that it’s okay to simply ask for it, we can finally get to the most important part of this article.
Here, I’ll cover strategies you can use to break your patterns and actually get your boyfriend or husband to give you what you need:
1. Know That Your Needs Matter
The fact that you’ve been forced to beg for attention, likely made you doubt yourself and feel like maybe you’re asking too much.
In order to break out of this hurtful situation, you need to discard these kinds of doubts.
Everybody needs and deserves attention.
Knowing that your needs matter, are justified and important will make it much easier for you to stop begging and start communicating things instead.
2. Ask For What You Want
Now that you remember that your need for attention matters and is justified, there is nothing standing in your way to simply ask for what you want.
Don’t expect your boyfriend or husband to read your mind or get your hints.
Be as clear and straightforward as you can instead.
Explain things and repeat yourself if needs be. Try to get him to listen and understand what you’re wanting and why you’re wanting it.
3. Prepare for His Resistance
It is unfortunate, but don’t expect things to go smoothly at first.
Trying to communicate a need to your boyfriend or husband, who might be entirely blind to them, is not going to be easy.
Don’t let his attitude silence you again. You deserve to get what you want from him.
4. Set Boundaries if He Discards or Ignores Your Needs
What’s even worse than him being defensive about you wanting his attention, is him discarding your needs and making you feel like you’re being unreasonable.
Stopping yourself from begging for love is not going to happen from one day onto the next.
It’s more of a process rather than a sudden change.
Keep trying, celebrate every little victory and most importantly, don’t give up!
Stopping to beg for love and attention is not easy. It’s not something I would have never managed all by myself…
But there are many resources out there that can help you become better and better at asking and insisting on what you want.
If you’re looking for more in depth information on how to get more of what you want from your partner, be sure to check out our online course: Rebuild Your Relationship
My boyfriend, Gabriel and I worked on it together. In it, you’ll find all the tools I actually personally used in our relationship to get his attention.
You’ll learn what to say and how to say it, in a way that will finally get you the love and care you crave from him.
We’ll also give you a step-by-step guide on how to set boundaries in case he keeps on ignoring or discarding your needs.
Since you’re asking, how often do couples fight, you’re likely in the same position we were once in:
You’re fighting too often, feel frustrated (maybe even given up), and want to know what a ‘normal amount’ of fighting in a relationship actually is.
If so, then you’re in the right place.
Karolina and I used to fight A LOT in our relationship. Like too much.
Honestly, it was absolutely exhausting.
We both felt so drained with the repeating arguments.
And fighting for HOURS on end seemed to go nowhere and only left us feeling even worse and discouraged about the future of our relationship…
But more on that later.
Let’s first get to that burning question of yours, ‘How often do couples fight?’
To be clear, when we say “Fight” we mean an emotional, often heated argument.
So we’re not talking about small disagreements over who’s getting the milk today or briefly bickering over what series to watch.
I mean ACTUAL arguments that leave you feeling bitter, hurt or angry.
Now that that’s clarified, based on working with our clients and the thousands of emails and comments we get from you guys:
On average, couples fight 1 to 3 times per week.
Which means couples fight as often as 130 times in a year.
But that might not help you much…
Since you’re likely here, because you want to fight LESS in your relationship.
That’s the goal, right?
So let’s figure out how to do that, and along the way we’ll answer the questions we’ve heard from all of you:
Is fighting necessary in a relationship?
What is a healthy amount of fighting?
And finally, How do I stop fighting with my partner?
Is Fighting Necessary in a Relationship
The short answer is: Yes, fighting is often necessary for couples.
Why?
Because a relationship is two people that are doing their best to support, love and take care of each other’s needs…
AND we’re all pretty terrible at communicating & negotiating our needs.
So instead of having a courteous exchange and compromising where necessary, things tend to escalate into full-blown fights, fueled by misunderstanding, fear and buried trauma.
So fighting is the NEXT BEST THING we do, to try and have our needs met in a relationship…
Now, you might also be wondering if there are couples who never fight?
And yes, there are.
But the couples who never fight, are unfortunately also often the very ones who make the mistake of believing that not quarrelling means that everything is okay.
They later experience breakups that seemingly come out of nowhere!
But given that their true feelings were swept under the rug for TOO LONG, it turns out one (or both) partners were secretly terribly unhappy for years.
So a relationship without arguments is rarely healthy; not fighting does NOT necessarily equal a happy couple.
When a couple fights, they typically have better chances of staying together, because they’re at least trying to talk about their unmet needs.
Which means even happy couples can have phases of often fighting in their relationships.
Having said all of that, it doesn’t mean you can’t reduce the amount of fighting and HOW you fight in your relationship to make it more bearable!
What Is a Healthy Amount of Fighting in a Relationship
So if you’re in a situation that has you asking whether it’s normal to fight every day in a relationship, the answer is: No, fighting every day is not normal and definitely on the intense side.
But if you’re both working through some bigger issues or challenges, and you’re fighting every day for just one week, that’s understandable!
When Karolina and I made big life-changing decisions (Like transitioning from our old jobs to working on our blog full-time) we also had a more intense phase of fighting, which gradually died out as our lives stabilized again.
And that is what your own fighting pattern might sometimes look like too.
You have a few months of peaceful harmony, followed by a week or two of fighting more often.
And depending on how big the issue is that you’re working through, a relationship fight can last from an hour, to as long as a few days!
But the best way to know how often you should be fighting with your partner, is to think of it in terms of ratio instead of time.
(Because it’s not always the same, some months you’ll fight less and others more)
This means that it’s not about the hours or days you spend fighting, but how much of your overall time is spent fighting, vs. how often you’re enjoying each other’s company:
An average healthy amount of fighting in a relationship is anything up to 25% of your time together.
So that the remaining 75% is then about all the good stuff, like going on dates, connecting, having fun, even taking on life together with shared responsibilities!
…Now, some of you might be thinking:
If the amount of fighting is far above 25%, should you quit a relationship?
And the answer is not necessarily.
You don’t need to end a relationship if you’re fighting a lot.
Because issues can be worked out, and you can learn to talk to your partner in ways that don’t keep things calm.
So far we’ve talked about how arguing is often necessary in relationships because it’s how we try to express and have our needs met.
It’s not perfect, but it’s typically the best we can do at the time!
We’ve also covered how often you should be fighting in a range that is still considered healthy, which is no more than a ¼ of your time.
Now, in order to stop fighting with your partner (or dramatically reduce fighting), you need to have a new mindset about conflicts and learn some powerful relationship skills.
Starting with:
1. Improve Your Communication Skills
Yes, the age-old cliché.
You’ve heard it often before, and I guarantee it won’t be the last time.
Little efforts towards skills like these will already help couples reduce how frequently they fight.
2. Identify the Root Cause
When couples fight, they often get stuck in shallow arguments and never identify the root cause (The underlying problem that is actually creating the argument!)
It might often start with you feeling upset about something and you try to express it.
Your partner takes it personally and gets upset about what you expressed.
Which in turn upsets you, because you don’t feel understood and he’s gone and made it about himself again!
And on and on it goes…
Things gradually escalate until emotions are running so high, that you’re either screaming at each other or silently brooding.
And even though an hour or more might have passed, there’s still NO RESOLUTION!
Everybody is just frustrated, angry and hurt.
This is because the attention was on the surface problems. (and often trying to ‘win’ the fight or ‘be right’)
But if you can redirect your focus on identifying the root cause which is driving the argument, you can stop fighting much sooner and actually solve it!
For example, once when we were travelling, Karolina asked if she could take a nap while I drove. I said of course, but while she was asleep, I missed our exit on the highway, which caused a whopping 1-hour detour.
We fought about it and got nowhere, until we started focusing on identifying the root cause.
And it turned out that it was actually about Karolina feeling like she couldn’t relax and trust anyone but herself with responsibility.
She felt alone with it and was afraid that she always had to stay alert and couldn’t trust others.
Root cause: Her need for feeling safe was not met.
3. Address the Root Cause
Once this was clear, we could focus on and address her unmet need instead of endlessly blaming and arguing with each other.
We could finally SOLVE the fight.
Phew, what a relief!
So we had a long discussion about Karolina’s unmet need and found ways to help her feel more safe.
She was happy, I was happy and we could get back to enjoying our trip.
In conclusion, if you take this kind of approach, you won’t fight as often.
You’ll also save yourself the pain and won’t have to walk away from an argument feeling hurt or defeated.
Honestly, these arguments were such a pain for us, they actually lead to multiple breakups. But once we understood the underlying mechanism driving our fights, things started to work for us.
And because we saw so many couples struggling with the same patterns, it actually motivated us to create our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
Here, we show you the exact steps we took to stop fighting in our own relationship and teach the true-and-tried methods we both apply in our relationship to this day.
We break down why fights happen and how to get to the root cause fast. So that you can put a stop to your arguments and enjoy your time together instead.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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