When you’re in a love-hate relationship, you’re gonna feel like everything is just right in one moment: you have warm fuzzy feelings and are tots in love with him…
And the next moment the clouds suddenly come rolling in and it’s hard not to hate everything about the guy.
And all of that within a day or even just an hour, leaving you confused, doubtful, and upset.
Does that sound about right?
If so, let’s dive into love-hate relationships and make some sense of them.
After all, having the repeated experience of loving someone one moment and hating them the next, isn’t easy on your nerves or heart.
And we can’t have that now, can we.
Is It Normal to Hate Your Partner?
First things first, how NORMAL is it to hate your partner?
It is not uncommon in relationships, especially if you find yourself hating him from time to time, rather than always.
Most couples we’ve worked with hate something or other about their partner.
Whether it’s a small issue, like the way he tells the exact same story at every social event.
But feeling hatred towards your partner is an indicator that something in your relationship isn’t quite right and could do with ADJUSTING.
More on that later, but first we need to explore a few more questions surrounding love-hate relationships.
Is a Love-Hate Relationship Healthy?
The short answer is, No, it’s not healthy.
But things aren’t always so simple, are they? Since love-hate relationships have -well, BOTH components.
So let’s separate the two for a moment:
1. Everything that is ‘Loving’ in your relationship is definitely healthy and good for yours and his heart, and will help nurture your special connection.
When you’re in the ‘love’ mode, you’re happy right?
2. By contrast, everything that is ‘Hating’ is going to push you both further apart and hurt your relationship. (especially if you’re directing your hatred at each other)
So instead of slapping a generic label on your love-hate relationship and calling it either ‘healthy’ or ‘unhealthy’…
We take what IS WORKING and say:
“Awesome! I’m sure when you’re feeling loving, the sparks that go flying between you two can be seen from miles away!”
And then in turn we try and understand where the hate is coming from.
In moments of feeling hateful towards Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) it was ALWAYS a sign that something WASN’T WORKING for me.
I was not getting something in my relationship that I really needed.
So when you’re feeling hateful towards him, think about what you’re NOT GETTING from him that you really need!
Can You Love Someone and Hate Them at the Same Time?
Of course you can.
Let’s take Fifty Shades of Grey as an example.
“I’m crazy in love with you, but I want to kinky-torture you in my play dungeon.”
Or take Edward from Twilight:
“Life without you is simply not possible. But I might just kill you.”
What I want to get across is: no relationship is free of some darker elements.
In a sense, EVERY relationship is a love-hate relationship.
So yes, you can love someone and hate them at the same time.
Because at some point or another everybody has moments of hating their partner. We’re only human after all.
But what’s important here, is your ‘Love-Hate RATIO’.
If you’re at 95% Love – 5% Hate, then consider yourself lucky.
But if you feel like you’re more at 50% Love – 50% Hate, then it makes sense you’re looking for answers and a way to increase the love and DECREASE the hate.
Things are certainly more challenging, when you feel MORE hatred than love.
But for now, take a moment to think about what your ‘Love-Hate Ratio’ is.
Is Hate a Sign of Love?
Hate is certainly a strong emotion.
But I would not say it’s a sign of love.
I know it’s a message that is circulated a lot.
That if you hate someone, surely it’s a sign that you deeply care about them?
But as mentioned, hate is a sign that something isn’t working for you in your relationship. And if that sign is ignored for too long, the feelings pile up and can result in some toxic relationship habits.
What Causes a Love-Hate Relationship?
So now it’s finally time to get to the bottom of all this, ‘you ready?
Alright, let’s do this.
A love-hate relationship is caused by the emotional baggage BOTH of you bring to your relationship.
…I know we’d all like to think we had a perfectly happy childhood.
But the fact of the matter is, the topic of mental health is on the rise as the stigma fades.
You’ve likely heard about many public figures coming forward and talking about their personal and relationship struggles and how much they attribute it, to the emotional baggage from their upbringing. (Like Paris Hilton in her documentary ‘This is Paris‘)
It’s becoming clear that this is a rather wide-spread issue that affects people from all walks of life.
And I can say the same for myself and EVERYBODY I’ve known:
None of us have gone through life unscarred.
Over the course of my relationship, my emotional baggage caused me to do and say things that hurt Karolina and she me.
When these kinds of hurtful experiences go on unaddressed for a period of time, they tend to turn into resentment.
And when resentment continues to pile up, it turns into hate.
Hate is something that evolves from being hurt over and over again.
How to Reduce Hate in a Love-Hate Relationship
In order to have less hate and more love in your relationship, you need to start talking about your emotional baggage and also address some of the hurtful things that you’ve done to each other.
It’s RARELY easy to bring up unpleasant events from the past.
But if you’re serious about making it work with him in a long run, these issues will need addressing sooner or later.
Supporting each other while working through our own emotional baggage is what allowed Karolina and myself to significantly reduce the hate in our relationship and make room for WAY MORE love. 💗
We saw how many couples struggled with their own love-hate dynamic, and it’s the reason we create our Rebuild Your Relationship course for women.
In it we cover our journey, through our love-hate challenges, and how you too, can overcome your own.
We explain where these hateful feelings come from and give you the mindset and exact steps you need to defuse the hate and finally turn your relationship into the loving, connected and stable one you deserve.
Breakups are always tough. But going through a breakup that feels like a bad mistake is one of the worst feelings in the world.
I would know.
Me and my other half (and also the co-author of this blog – Gabriel) broke up THREE times. Each one of those three breakups was absolutely devastating to me.
The idea of separating from a person I cared about so deeply felt straight-up wrong.
From the very moment we broke up, I wanted to get him back already.
And I managed to do it, three times.
It’s now been over 7 years since our last breakup and we’re married and have been happily together ever since.
Our breakups were a mistake I managed to fix.
There is a lot of stigma around getting back together with an ex. Your friends might frown at you, family members might judge you for it.
But the reality of the matter is: approximately 50% of couples who break up, get back together again.
In this article, I will share with you the strategies I used to make my ex want me back so that you too can get yours to miss you and chase you again.
1. Heal Your Ego So That You Feel More Attractive Again
Even though breakups can be ‘mutual’ they’re generally initiated by one person only.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of rejection inevitably takes a toll on one’s self-esteem.
When Gabriel and I broke up, it was he who initiated it and because of this, it immediately made me doubt myself. I started wondering about things like:
‘Was it my fault?!’
‘Am I not good enough?!’
‘Did I do something wrong?’
The biggest problem with these kinds of thoughts is that they are a HUGE BARRIER that will actually stand in the way of you getting your ex to want to come back to you.
They will make you doubt your own value and act in ways that can undermine your success.
That’s why it’s really important, that before jumping straight into getting your ex back, you let your wounded ego heal a bit first.
There are many ways to go about this.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, I just partied for a week straight (I was still at university back then…). The second time I went on a relaxing vacation. The third time I decided to join an NGO and helped planning a primary school in a developing country.
The point of this step is to take your mind off those self-defeating thoughts so that you can feel good in your own skin again.
All the experiences I described above is what allowed me to relax and feel better about myself. This in turn made me more attractive to my ex-boyfriend.
It was the first and necessary step of how I got him back.
I get that the situation you’re in might feel extremely urgent. You likely want to get your ex back as fast as you can.
But you can’t skip this step.
You need to take some time to recover from the breakup and rebuild your self-esteem to get your ex to want you again.
Once you feel more like your old self, you can then proceed to step two:
2. Get a Grip On Your Desperation
Breakups can completely change the power dynamic between a couple.
The person who initiated the breakup tends to suddenly gain a lot more control over the situation.
While the other side is often left feeling like they’ve just completely lost a handle on things.
Losing all sense of control over a relationship tends to make people act DESPERATE.
When Gabriel broke up with me I was as desperate as it gets.
Desperate to get back together…
Desperate to feel like he loves me again…
Desperate to put it all behind us and pretend like it never happened…
Back then I had this really strong urge to just let go, allow all my desperation to roam free, and dictate all my actions.
Luckily, I didn’t let that happen…
The biggest problem with acting desperate is that it will make your ex feel like they have full control over you.
They’ll feel secure and confident that you’ll always be there if they ever decide to take you back.
Also, your ex won’t have any reason to want to get back together with you any time soon. He or she will feel free to act as they please for as long as they want, with no consequences whatsoever.
Obviously, this is not a position anyone EVER wants to be in.
There is a simple way in which you can avoid falling into this dangerous pitfall:
By taking charge of the situation.
Don’t let your emotions control what you say and do, act strategically instead.
Notice your own desperation and keep it in check. Don’t let your ex feel like they have full control over you. Don’t just beg and hope they will regret losing you and come back on their own either.
Understand, this is a game you’re both playing.
In order to get your ex back, you have to stop letting them endlessly win and play your cards close to your chest instead.
There is no way around it. If you want to make him or her want you back, you have to take control and make it happen yourself.
It’s kind of like a power move that is supposed to ensure that they can stay in control of you and the relationship.
Everybody gets attached.
People can’t just stop caring about someone from one day onto the next. It’s impossible…
So if your ex wanted you back then, he or she most likely still wants you now.
Fully realizing this truth can be absolutely groundbreaking when it comes to getting them to come back.
You don’t need to make your ex want you again, he or she already does. All you have to do now is get them to admit it and want to follow that feeling again.
4. Get Them Interested Again With Self-Respect and Boundaries
Now that you know deep down your ex still wants you, let’s talk about what you can do to make their feelings for you stronger again.
The first time Gabriel and I broke up, we went for a coffee a few weeks after our breakup.
We were sitting at a nice place, catching up, the conversation was good, I was totally flirting with him a little and we both inevitably started feeling closer again.
When it was time to say goodbye, Gabriel leaned in to kiss me, as though we were still dating…
But rather than reciprocating, I moved away.
I told him, ‘You can’t just break up with me and then try to kiss me a couple of weeks later!’. And I angrily walked away.
I missed him and all, but I wasn’t ok with more intimacy without him giving me more security first.
And guess what?
Me standing my ground caused our breakup to become more real to him!
Suddenly, the tables had turned, and that interaction is what got him texting me again.
Getting your ex back is a tricky process.
You’re trying to reconnect and reignite what’s been lost. But at the same time, you have to respect where you’re at and not let him or her override your boundaries whenever they have a sudden change of heart.
On one hand, you’re giving your ex what he or she wants, making them feel good, making them remember the good times you two had together…
…but you also have to make them feel that their decision to break up has consequences. That the ‘boyfriend/girlfriend privileges’ have been revoked for the time being.
It’s your own self-respect and boundaries that make your ex miss you and want to chase you again.
They’re your best compass when it comes to deciding what to do, what to say etc.
That’s what allowed me to get my ex back. Having that coffee date experience, made Gabriel come back fast. But it wasn’t the only thing I needed to do for us to be able to finally get back together.
This brings me to the last step of your journey…
5. Remove the Barriers to Get Your Ex to Chase You Again
In reality, getting your ex to want you back is much simpler than we’re led to believe.
…. if this is really the case, then why doesn’t he or she just text you and try to get you back yourself?
That’s a very good question.
Fully understanding the answer to this one is going to play a major role in you successfully getting your ex to want you back.
You see, people always break up for a reason.
So even though your ex most likely wants you right now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he or she wants to get back together with you. Whatever it was that made them want to break up in the first place is likely still acting as a barrier that prevents them from wanting to invest in a relationship with you at this very moment.
There were multiple reasons why Gabriel and I broke up those three times.
Some of them were purely his issues. Others, on the other hand, had to do with some things I’d say and do (or not do).
The secret in making your ex want you back has nothing to do with doing things to attract him or her again (because he or she feels attracted to you already!).
It’s all about removing the barriers that are preventing them from wanting to be together with you.
Fixing just one of those issues on my end that caused Gabriel to want to break up, was enough for us to, not only to get back together, but also to NEVER break up ever again!
If you’re interested in learning how to remove these kinds of barriers so that your ex wants you back, be sure to check out our Ex Back Program.
Here will help you make sense of your story and remove the roadblocks that drove you apart. You’ll also get tips and a strategy of what to do and say to get your ex to come back as soon as possible.
When I wrote this blog post, I didn’t realize how many of you would resonate with our breakup story! So many people reached out to us for advice that, since then, both Gabriel and I have started coaching both men and women on how to get their ex back.
This is when I realized I needed to expand this article by discussing another very important way of reconnecting after a breakup.
How to Get Your Ex to Want You Back by Texting
Most couples who break up stay in touch to a lesser or greater degree. It was the case with Gabriel and me, as well as most of our coaching clients.
We never cut each other off or did no contact. There was no need for it, and it also would have been completely out of my character.
Texting with each other was how we kept our connection alive and how I got him interested again!
There is one important condition for it to have a chance to work, though: you have to be coming from the right place.
Otherwise, all your efforts will only backfire and make your ex even more distant and defensive.
There are two big mistakes people make when texting with their ex:
Mistake #1: Coming in Too Hot Only Pushes Your Ex Away
One of the typical pitfalls so many people fall into is that they keep on interacting with their ex as though they were still together. They use nicknames, drop in a ton of emojis, send cute photos, etc.
It’s hard to let the breakup sink in and let go of the old ways of interacting with each other. But if your ex does it, you’re going to have to match them.
This was the case for us. After our breakup, Gabriel became way more silent and distant, and I did the same.
If he was giving me short and distant answers or even stopped responding at all, I knew it was a sign I’d been texting him too much or was being too familiar.
As long as you’re interacting with your ex as though you were still together, he or she will remain distant, defensive, and might even pull away further and further.
Mistake #2: Not Responding and No Contact Communicates That You Don’t Care
The second-biggest mistake people make when interacting with their ex is not texting them at all.
I know this is contradictory to a lot of other advice on the internet, but not contacting your ex alone will not get them to want you back.
It’s normal and healthy to need some space after a breakup. I certainly needed it more than Gabriel did.
I was hurt and couldn’t jump straight into interacting with him as though nothing had changed or as though I was ok with being just friends with him.
But a week of distance was enough for me to heal my ego to a degree when I could talk to him again.
I know a lot of you guys have way more patience and can go on waiting for your ex to reach out first, even for months on end. This is actually a mistake, though.
If you remain too distant for too long, your connection will just gradually fizzle out.
You will gradually start giving up, and your ex will conclude you don’t actually care about them.
So if you personally don’t need any more space, and you haven’t heard from your ex for two weeks or more, text them!
Don’t just wait indefinitely, hoping that they will make the next move, because if they haven’t done it so far, they most likely never will.
I know it’s hard to be the first one to reach out, but sometimes you have to do it. Especially if your ex is holding a grudge or struggling with something.
Make Them Want You Back by Texting Them as Though You Were Dating Again
Making your ex want you back through text requires you to approach him or her as though you just started dating.
This is what I did, and this is how I won Gabriel over again. I knew what he liked about me, so I used that understanding to my advantage. I bragged about my adventures and flirted with him covertly. I knew he had a soft spot for feeling cared for (who doesn’t?) so I also made sure to check in with him if I hadn’t heard from him in a while.
You have to remain a bit distant, guarded, and mysterious to capture your ex’s attention and make them miss you.
But at the same time, you also have to initiate from time to time and flirt to communicate that you’re interested and encourage them to pursue you again.
If you’re looking for personal guidance on what to do in your particular case, I can help you out in a One-on-One Coaching call.
Here, I’ll carefully listen and reassure you that the breakup was not your fault (at least not entirely!). I’ll explain what went wrong and what you’ll need to do to win your ex’s heart again.
And in case you’re looking for some extra information on how to get your ex boyfriend or girlfriend back permanently, you can also read Gabriel’s article: 4 Steps to Get Your Ex Back For Good!
Taking a break in a relationship is never easy to deal with. Especially if you’re not the one who initiated it!
Maybe you can sense your significant other pulling away already, and it’s making you panic. Don’t worry though! They’re not going to stop loving you from one day onto the next.
What’s more, if you manage to keep your cool through all of this, chances are this problem will just blow over, and you will be back to normal in no time. In this blog post I’ll explain relationship breaks in detail, what causes them, how long they should be and how to successfully get back on track afterwards.
Is Taking a Break in a Relationship Healthy
First off, you might be wondering is this whole concept of going on a break is a good idea. Are relationship breaks healthy? Are they a good way of coping with problems?
In an ideal world we would all be perfect communicators who are willing to talk, listen, have infinite patience and no other problems in life. Unfortunately, this is not the case. People have lots of limitations and there are things and other people that can come in a way and sabotage your relationship.
Relationship break are healthy when one or both of you reached a point where they feel like they have no other way of dealing with an issue. For example, when you no longer can talk without arguing, or when one of you (or both) feels too pressured and overwhelmed with needs of the other.
At such a point in a relationship, a break is not only healthy but also a necessity.
What Does Taking a Break Mean in a Relationship
Going on a break means that there is a problem either in your relationship or outside of it that is making it impossible for the two of you to be together at the moment.
It also means that whoever initiated the break run out of options on how to deal with this issue.
How to Deal With Taking a Break in a Relationship
The key to successfully dealing with a relationship break is to not let your panic make things worse. It really is just what your partner said it is – a break – not a breakup.
We have so many coaching clients who either freak out when they go on a break, they start overriding their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s boundaries which only leads to it turning into an actual breakup! So keep this in mind and try to self-soothe your anxious attachment (if you need to).
Another common pitfall a lot of our clients fall into when it comes to relationship breaks is that they continue relating to their partner as though there is no problem.
They hope that by acting as though there are no issues in the relationship, they’ll make that the new reality. That just a day or two of giving space should be enough for your significant other to just get over themselves and their problems, and start behaving the way they should.
Unfortunately, this attitude also makes break turn into breakups.
What you need to do instead is approach your partner with empathy and take what they’re complaining about seriously.
What Are the Rules for Taking a Break in a Relationship
There are no universal rules on how to take a break in a relationship. This is something your significant other and you need to discuss and decide yourselves. Does the person who initiated it want to be texted? Don’t assume things, just ask them!
These are some general guidelines that are bound to keep your break as short as possible:
1. Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries
One of the most fundamental way of how to ensure that the break does in fact end at some point is respecting your significant other’s boundaries. If they say they don’t want to hear from you, leave them be. If they say they don’t want to see you, don’t try to convince them otherwise.
We’ve had quite a few cases of both men and women who failed at this point. Not only did it escalate their break into a breakup.
Knowing how to take a relationship break is all about finding a balanced approach and not falling into any extremes. You can’t chase and convince them to end the break, but you also should coldly distance yourself either.
Doing it will make your partner feel like you’re abandoning them with their issues and aren’t interested in making things work.
3. Be Empathetic and Try to Be There for Your Partner
Lat but not least, the third rule for going on a relationship break is to be attentive and try your best to be there for your partner.
If their problem is with you, take them seriously and listen. If the issue they’re struggling with is something else, try your best to support them with it.
How Long Should a Break In a Relationship Last
Taking a break in a relationship is almost always unsettling. That’s why most people’s instinct is to try to get it over and done with as soon as possible.
However, getting back in touch with your significant other TOO SOON might lead to problems and actually force you to take more or longer breaks from each other.
In the course of my over 9-year long relationship with my boyfriend, Gabriel, we’ve been through countless breaks. Some lasted only an hour, while others took up to a MONTH.
Spending time apart from each other was always very tough for me. I never really enjoyed giving Gabriel space but I was forced to do it on multiple occasions.
From my own personal experience, I’ve learned that the point of taking a break in a relationship is to resolve a problem that you’ve failed to deal with otherwise.
That’s why, how long a relationship break should be, very strongly depends on the kind of issue that you’re currently dealing with.
Three Most Common Reasons Why People Take Relationship Breaks
This is something I’ve learned from my own personal experience, as well as observed from our coaching clients,
there are three main reasons why people in a relationship decide to take a break from each other:
Break caused by an argument
Break caused by external factors
Break caused by serious relationship problems
A break caused by an argument is a situation where two people get into a fight.
This might happen in a form of a heated exchange, as well as a totally cold, reserved interaction followed by holding grudges or silent treatment.
Regardless of how the relationship fight looks like exactly, at the end of it, both sides fail to get through to each other, so they’re left with no other option than to just take a break to cool off and get some distance from it all.
A break caused by external factors is another really common situation when either one or both partners need space from each other.
Everybody struggles in life every now and then. It might be due to being overwhelmed at work, family problems, health or mental health, etc.
When going through a tough time, people often fear being judged or don’t want to be perceived as a burden, so they request space or suggest taking a relationship break.
A break caused by serious relationship problems is a situation where a lot of negative factors come together:
If a couple is constantly fighting, one or both sides feel unhappy and the relationship is just not working anymore, taking a break from each other is the last resort to try to restore peace and try to figure a way out.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by an Argument Last
When it comes to dealing with a break caused by a relationship fight this is the easiest and also the shortest one!
The main purpose of taking this kind of time out is to give both of you room to cool off and let your emotions calm down so that you can both gain some distance from the fight and reevaluate the situation with a clearer head.
Whenever Gabriel and I get stuck in an argument it generally takes us anywhere from an hour up to a day to calm down enough so that we can start communicating again.
When it comes to relationship breaks caused by an argument, if the break is cut too soon, it’s bound to cause yet another argument…
On the other hand, if the break lasts too long it might turn into mutual silent treatment, which only tends to make matters worse…
Keep in mind, these rules aren’t set in stone.
Ultimately, the length of the break you and your partner need depends on your personalities and also on the magnitude of the fight.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by External Factors Be
Relationship breaks caused by external factors are always more tricky to deal with, that’s why they tend to be longer.
These types of breaks can generally last between one day to up to a week.
Of course, how much time apart you need from each other, depends on what kind of problems you’re dealing with.
E.g.: When dealing with an overall bad mood one day can be enough to clear it out.
But when it comes to serious family emergencies, they might require your significant other to dedicate much more of their time and attention.
Gabriel and I went through multiple breaks due to all sorts of external factors.
At the beginning of our relationship, he would sometimes say he needs space out of the blue. Even though he never communicated it back then, I could sense that he was simply feeling down but wasn’t ready to show me that part of himself yet.
However, as we grew closer and built trust with each other, our breaks caused by the problems outside of our relationship became shorter and shorter.
The big thing about this kind of relationship break is that when a person is struggling with something, what they often really need is not space but SUPPORT.
The tricky part here is that you might not always be able or willing to give your significant other the support they crave.
Or that your partner might not be able or willing to ACCEPT the support you’re offering…
That’s why taking a break from each other is often a helpful compromise.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by Serious Relationship Problems Last
Last but not least, let’s finally get to the longest and most difficult type of relationship breaks: the ones caused by serious relationship problems.
All couples have problems. It’s normal to have disagreements, feel misunderstood at times, or not always get what you want from your partner.
However, there might come a time in a relationship when NOTHING seems to be working anymore.
This happened to Gabriel and me.
We’ve reached a point where we could not see eye to eye on things, we fought all the time, and both felt misunderstood and alone.
It was as though we were continuously hitting an invisible wall that just kept on tearing us apart.
So we decided to take a break.
In fact, this happened THREE times.
Gabriel and I have been through THREE breaks caused by serious relationship problems (they were basically breakups just that we always decided to keep in touch with each other).
Even though it was Gabriel who initiated all three of our ‘breakups’, I have been the one who insisted on making them last longer.
I did it because I thought that by extending our time apart we’d be more likely to come to some groundbreaking conclusions that would magically fix our relationship.
Unfortunately, that’s just not how things work. Relationship problems don’t vanish by themselves…
All three of our relationship breaks lasted about a month and looking back at it, I consider all three of them to have been UNNECESSARILY LONG.
Too long of a break doesn’t contribute anything towards gaining any new perspective on things.
In reality, making a break last a very long time only makes it more likely for it to turn into an actual breakup.
That’s why I recommend that a relationship break caused by serious relationship problems should last from about one week up to about a month.
And if your guy happens to be the emotionally unavailable type, then watching out for these signs that he misses you, can help the break feel more bearable.
How to Make a Relationship Break Work
As I outlined in the beginning of this article, couples decide to take a break from each other when they face a relationship problem that they aren’t able to fix.
This might be something relatively small, like a fight. Something slightly bigger, like personal issues or struggles. Or it can be multiple serious relationship problems.
Generally speaking, the bigger the problem, the longer the relationship break needs to last.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that on their own, breaks actually DON’T FIX ANYTHING.
They can only provide emotional distance and a fresh perspective that can be crucial in solving relationship problems.
But in order to truly make a relationship break work, both you and your partner need to use what you’ve learned from the break and do the fixing the problem part yourselves.
This brings me back to my story.
You see, all three of our relationship breaks have been caused by THE SAME ONE relationship problem.
We didn’t manage to fix it the first time round.
That’s why we eventually ended up taking yet another long and painful break from each other.
We didn’t manage to fix it the second time round either…
This is the sad reality of relationship breaks.
If you don’t SOLVE the problem that is causing you and your partner to need a break from each other, eventually the same situation is bound to repeat.
You’ll need to take another, maybe an even longer relationship break.
That’s what kept on happening to us.
Even though we were perfect for each other, if we hadn’t managed to solve that ONE recurring relationship problem, we would have been broken up for good by now…
The Ultimate Solution to Prevent or Shorten Relationship Breaks
So you might be wondering, what was THE ONE PROBLEM that kept on causing us to take multiple long breaks from each other?
We didn’t know how to ACKNOWLEDGE each other’s feelings!
And what we discovered while working with countless other couples is that this ONE BIG BLOCK is what prevented them from successfully getting through to each other as well.
Acknowledgment works like a magical spell that can make relationship problems vanish within seconds!
It’s the ultimate solution to dramatically shorten or prevent all relationship breaks.
If you want to find out more about this tool and its incredible effects in a relationship, you can check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we guide you step by step on how to use acknowledgment to make your relationship break work and fix the problems that caused it.
This way you won’t need to worry about having too much space from each other ever again.
We also address the common relationship problems and pitfalls that stand in the way of having a happy and lasting relationship, so that you can truly build the loving and stable relationship you dream of.
So you were with someone and unfortunately, things didn’t work out the way you hoped…
Hurtful things were said and done, one thing escalated to the next and one or both of you decided it was finally time to break up…
But days, months or even years passed and you feel that the connection you had with them was really intimate and special to you and that it’s not something you want to give up on just yet.
You’ve decided you want to get your ex back.
And that’s exactly what I’m going to help you do here.
I’m going to show you how you can finally get your ex back. And do so in a way that guarantees they will stay so that you feel stable with them and NEVER have to fear losing them again!
And this approach is foolproof and will work via texting or in person and also whether you’ve been out of touch for months or if the breakup only happened yesterday.
Let’s dive in.
1. Scope Out Your Ex’s Situation and Feelings
When my girlfriend Karolina (now wife – who runs this blog with me today) and I first broke up, it was heartbreaking for both of us.
But I was -regretfully- the one who instigated it.
And I want to tell you right away, that both men and women can be equally tricky to handle when you want to get back together with them.
Women can be drama queens, but so can men! -Or I should say, drama kings.
Your ex might be playing cool, distant and uncaring as to whether you get back together…
So it’s important to take the right approach to avoid potentially screwing up your chances.
I hate to say it, but you may need to handle your ex with kid gloves at times and be very careful and tactful!
Like I said, drama queens/kings.
This is why I don’t recommend diving right in and trying to get back together with them.
Ideally, you’ll first carefully scope out their situation:
Are they still clearly into you?
Do they let it show?
Do you know or suspect they are dating other people?
Are there other things that might be getting in the way of getting them back?
Doing your crafty research first will ensure you get a full picture of what’s up on their end and how they feel about you.
And this will set you up in maximizing your chances of getting your ex back!
2. Get Their Side So That They Crave You Again
There was obviously a reason for the two of you to have initially broken up.
Whether it was due to constant fights and hurt, cheating or you both simply wanted different things from your relationship…
Whatever your reasons may have been and whoever’s fault it was, something between you broke enough for it to have led to you breaking up.
Now in order for you to get them back, that broken thing needs to be addressed.
I’m not saying fixed but addressed to at least SOME degree.
The reason to do this is to gain their interest and trust again.
Because when you get their side of the story, you are reestablishing your shared connection with them. (again, regardless of who’s fault the breakup really was)
And that’s a very POWERFUL thing!
You see, you are taking down the wall that caused them to go from “your partner”, to “your ex”.
You’re making them FEEL positive things towards you again.
And by that, they’re reminded of all the good things about you that they’re missing out on.
This is the FASTEST way to get back to your ex. Despite what you might have heard about it all being about sex.
What sparked my interest in getting back with Karolina after our breakup was NOT the sex.
Sure, sex is a part of it.
But it really was because she understood me and got my side in a way no one else did.
This made me trust her and I instantly wanted to get back with her again!
So use your shared experiences and history to your advantage.
3. Give Your Ex Signals So They Don’t Miss Your Intentions
Don’t say anything outright to them about wanting to get back together yet.
But after a breakup, both sides are generally weary and careful, since neither wants to get hurt even more.
Sometimes too careful, which can make your ex worry that you’re no longer interested or are moving on. And in turn increase the likelihood of them distancing themselves as to not get hurt too.
So don’t make the mistake of going all cold and distant on them. (This can push them even further away from you!)
Instead, give them subtle cues that you’re still in the game and are trying to figure things out.
Signal your interest and if they are receptive, feel free to flirt a little.
4. Secure Your Relationship With Them For Good
A lot of what we’ve covered so far, are things you might do over your phone.
But once you’re actually meeting face to face, it’s a different game.
Things are suddenly more real.
You’ll have a lot of feelings, as will your ex. (Especially if you haven’t seen each other in a while)
The air might feel electrified and even brushing elbows will send a tingle down your spine.
It’s almost like you’re dating all over again…
Now, rediscovering the spark with your ex and getting back together is great, but it’s only the first step.
If you’re serious about getting them back and ensuring your special connection is saved, it’s best to firmly secure your ties with them NOW.
(and I’m not talking about getting engaged here.)
I mean something far more potent: securing a deep unbreakable bond with them.
Karolina and I made the mistake of not doing so and it resulted in multiple horrible breakups.
We just didn’t know how to prevent the pattern of going from feeling super close and intimate to being so tired of each other that we broke up!
But through a lot of trial and error, we figured out what was causing the constant fights and breakups and finally DID put a stop to it.
I’m not gonna lie. Karolina’s and my breakup was rough, difficult and at times we just wanted to give up. But in staying true to ourselves and each other, we saw it through and came out the other end stronger than ever.
There were A LOT of heard-earned lessons along the way until we figured out what was actually working (and what was definitely was NOT working).
And through the process of our own journey and our coaching clients, we create a simple 5-Step framework to help other’s get their ex back too.
Each step is full of crucial lessons, do’s & don’t, what to say and text to your ex, so that you can change their mind and finally heal together.
If your man is making it clear that he’s not worried about losing you, chances are it leaves you feeling like you don’t matter much to him…
Maybe you even feel unimportant to him and taken for granted.
He might treat you as though whether or not you are there, it wouldn’t even make a difference to him. Or worse he TELLS you that he doesn’t care!
And of course that hurts…
It’ll leave you angry and sad because even the strongest girlfriends eventually can’t take it anymore and just want to give up.
I know this because Karolina (my girlfriend who runs this blog with me) had the same complaint about me in OUR relationship.
But we DID eventually manage to solve this tricky problem.
And yours can be fixed too!
I’m going to tell you what you need to do to turn things around and get him to treat you like you DO MATTER and ARE important!
Let’s talk about how to make your man worry about losing you.
1. Don’t Hope That He Will Change and Finally Start Appreciating You
Karolina was incredibly patient with me in our relationship, one might even say too patient at times…
And we’ve observed the same tendency with other couples.
It’s as though there is an unspoken rule for women: that they are expected to be endlessly giving and patient.
And that by trying to live up to an impossible angel-like standard they will somehow magically inspire the change they desire in their men, so that he’ll finally care about you.
Now let’s look at the reality of trying this approach:
He’ll take you for granted even more (if that’s at all possible!)
It’ll be like he’s walking all over you
You’ll feel worse and worse..
And he’ll worry EVEN less about losing you!
This approach does not work, because you would be giving him even more room to continue his behavior.
It’s almost like saying:
“Hey honey, it seems as though you don’t worry about losing me… here let me help you worry EVEN LESS!”
So if you find yourself in this kind of pattern of waiting and hoping for him to change by being the ‘perfect angel’, it’s important to take charge instead.
Because this problem will not resolve itself.
Taking charge of your relationship is the only thing that will truly result in your man’s behavior changing.
And it’s the experience Karolina had with me as well!
It’s only when she stopped waiting or being patient and took charge, that she started getting the appreciation and attention she wanted!
2. Stop Coming His Way the Whole Time, Match His Efforts Instead
Do you ever have the feeling you’re accommodating men? Like even your boyfriend or husband?
Maybe when he’s saying something that may be of very little interest to you, you still find yourself politely nodding, smiling and feigning interest?
If so, let me tell you this is something us men are unfortunately very used to and BLIND to as well!
We like to think our partner is truly interested and blown away by whatever it is we’re currently flexing about.
But when it’s your turn to be heard, he might cut you off mid sentence.
Or maybe he ignores the fact that you just said something to begin with!
This behavior is unfortunately common…
I don’t know where us men get our sense of entitlement from, but it definitely has a negative impact on our relationship!
So instead of coming his way the whole time, MATCH his efforts instead.
Give only as much as he’s giving you.
Whether that’s in conversation, texting, in bed, chores or any other area of life.
Match however much effort he is putting in and DON’T put in more than that!
This will shake things up for him, he’ll realize that you can CHOOSE how much of your time and attention you give him.
That it’s not guaranteed and that he has to earn it!
[A word of caution: Be careful not to fall into the other extreme of distancing yourself and not giving anything at all! Because this will signal that you are no longer interested in him and can even reinforce his lack of worry about losing you!]
3. Get Busy Pursuing Your Own Interests
There is nothing more vexing and simultaneous attractive to us men than a woman doing her own thing.
You see, we’re selfish.
We like to be the most important thing in our girlfriend’s life.
King of the castle, master of the universe and any other cliche you can think of!
And when we’re not the center of everything –a primitive caveman ALARM BELL goes off.. :
“Why is this other thing of more interest to her now? How dare she prioritize getting her nails done over dinning with me?! What is this rebellion? It seems I must pursue and court her again!”
You know, like Belle in Beauty and the Beast -only without the whole captivity and talking furniture thing.
I’m exaggerating a little here because I want to get this POINT across.
There is something very frustrating yet stimulating to a man when his partner goes off doing her own thing!
Karolina would be at social events, hanging out with friends or even taking on drawing classes at some point.
And I couldn’t have her out there having all the fun to herself! And besides what if she meets an interesting guy??…
4. Restructuring Your Relationship Will Make Him Worry About Losing You
Lastly it’s important to address the elephant in the room here…
If you are in this situation where your man is neglecting you and isn’t worried about losing you…
…Then there’s MORE to it than meets the eye.
This kind of unfair treatment doesn’t appear out of nowhere. It stems from issues in a relationship that lie beneath the surface.
These are problems that are often old and buried because they’re just too scary to face!
And they develop very slowly over the course of months or years so they’re also very difficult to pick up on…
But at some point the pain is too big to continue ignoring and you wake up and realize:“Hey, he’s not even worried about losing me anymore! He takes me for granted!”What’s needed at this point is to restructure your relationship to make him actually wake up and be afraid of losing you.
Since Karolina and I both KNOW these struggles and learned how to overcome them, it became important to us to share our experience and help other women overcome them too.
So If you’re feeling unappreciated and unimportant and could do with some help fixing it, be sure to check out our course that we designed especially for women in your situation: Rebuild Your Relationship.
In it, you’ll learn actionable steps to immediately capture his undivided attention, as well as the secrets to get him to truly value and appreciate you the way you want and need, so that he DOES finally worry about losing you.
Finally, there is also a flip side to the whole issue of men not worrying about losing their partner…
Which is that he might straight up be the emotionally unavailable type!
If you’ve found yourself chasing him to meet your relationship needs (which you very well deserve to have!) and when you express them, his response is equivalent to that of a rock. Then you probably find our post about how to get emotionally unavailable men to open up insightful.
If you have any further questions or you’re not sure about something, just drop me a comment below and I’ll get back to you!
There’s nothing worse than trying everything in your power to make your connection with your man work and still feel like your relationship is dying.
Whether you feel like you’ve become emotional strangers or every conversation ends in frustrating fights, or you haven’t had sex in months or even if you’ve reached a point of simply not talking to each other anymore…
Let me tell you, it can CHANGE.
When my relationship with my boyfriend Gabriel (who runs this blog with me) was about to die, things were TOUGH.
Even though we kept trying to make things work and grow closer, we couldn’t seem to save our relationship…
It was as though there was an invisible wall between us that we were powerless against.
And what’s more, the wall kept slowly expanding and pushing us further apart!
And as it did, we gradually made less effort and cared less…
There were times where both of us wanted to simply throw in the towel and call it quits.
So in order to save you all the pain, here is what I learned you need to do to revive your dying relationship and save it!
1. Uncover What Is Making Your Relationship Die
There is no magic at work here!
If you feel like your relationship is nearing its end, then there is a REASON.
In my case, it turned out that there were external factors like our jobs and family getting in between us.
As well as letting our relationship start to go on autopilot.
Whatever the case might be for you, the point is to try and figure out what is making your relationship feel like it’s ending.
And it’s the first step in saving your relationship.
This means taking charge and honestly talking to your man and asking questions to uncover the reason why the spark is fading.
In other words, try to get to the bottom of it all.
Also know that the process of a deteriorating relationship generally happens slowly, VERY SLOWLY…
So much so that you might not even notice it until months or even years have passed! Even though it’s happening right in front of our eyes…
So if you happen to be beating yourself up over not “Not having noticed it sooner”.
Don’t.
It happened to me too, just as it happens to countless other women.
2. Understand That There Are Multiple Causes
When your relationship is dying, I guarantee you it’s never due to one isolated cause.
There are always multiple things at play.
As previously mentioned in my case it was jobs and family getting in the way.
And there were also many other smaller factors, like me not feeling understood or taken seriously by Gabriel.
On top of it all, there was also his side of things.
So, not only were there multiple causes of mine that I needed to uncover to save our relationship. There were Gabriel’s as well.
This means that in your relationship, there will be two sides to contend with.
Yours and his.
This adds up to what might feel too complex a problem to unravel and somewhat overwhelming.
But for now, you only need to remember one thing; There are many different causes that are contributing towards your relationship dying!
It’s very unlikely due to one isolated reason or incident.
3. Focus on the Main Cause in Your Relationship First
So we just said that there are various contributors to take into account when it comes to your relationship dying.
Having said all of that, when starting off, it’s best to take on the MAIN cause first, rather than trying to solve all at once!
This ensures you’re dealing with only the biggest and most urgent reason behind your relationship troubles, when trying to save it.
Then you’ll also not be overwhelmed and can take the other issues on one at a time.
For me, one of the big ones was focusing on setting boundaries with my family.
But for you it might be that your man is distant, or maybe every discussion ends in a fight or worse you might even suspect him of lying to you…
Whatever is bothering you the most, start trying to address and solve this ONE thing first.
You can think of it as saving small parts of your relationship, one at a time. And it will all add up.
Once you’ve taken care of one, you can work your way to the others when you feel ready.
4. Have a Framework and Tools to Save Your Relationship
When I need to do my makeup, I have brushes, concealer, eyelash curler, various other tools as well as a technique.
If I’m going shopping, I know which stores I’m going to for which items, I have a shopping list app, carry bags and my car.
Every little and big task in life requires some kind of system and tools if you want to be quick and make things easier for yourself.
When it comes to relationships though, we’re taught that once you find the right guy things must somehow magically fall into place.
That there will never be a need to work on- or save your relationship…
That relationship skills are somehow instinctual or passed on and should just work.
Yet in my experience it’s nothing like that.
I struggled A LOT in my relationship at the beginning, because I was navigating blindly and hoping things would just somehow work out!
But the truth is that relationships require a method and tools just like any other task in life.
The only reason I have a fulfilling and happy relationship with Gabriel today is because I have the right framework and tools to not only save, but also create the relationship I want and know how to DEAL with problems if they arise.
Without them I’d be lost.
And they’ve added so much value to my relationship that I eventually decided to start this blog with my boyfriend Gabriel and teach these relationship techniques.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and are not sure how to best approach saving your relationship, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course designed especially for women.
With it, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do, to not only save your relationship from dying, but also how to build it back to being the way you want it to be: fun, loving and steamy!
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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