There’s nothing worse than trying everything in your power to make your connection with your man work and still feel like your relationship is dying.
Whether you feel like you’ve become emotional strangers or every conversation ends in frustrating fights, or you haven’t had sex in months or even if you’ve reached a point of simply not talking to each other anymore…
Let me tell you, it can CHANGE.
When my relationship with my boyfriend Gabriel (who runs this blog with me) was about to die, things were TOUGH.
Even though we kept trying to make things work and grow closer, we couldn’t seem to save our relationship…
It was as though there was an invisible wall between us that we were powerless against.
And what’s more, the wall kept slowly expanding and pushing us further apart!
And as it did, we gradually made less effort and cared less…
There were times where both of us wanted to simply throw in the towel and call it quits.
So in order to save you all the pain, here is what I learned you need to do to revive your dying relationship and save it!
#1. Uncover What Is Making Your Relationship Die
There is no magic at work here!
If you feel like your relationship is nearing its end, then there is a REASON.
In my case, it turned out that there were external factors like our jobs and family getting in between us.
As well as letting our relationship start to go on autopilot.
Whatever the case might be for you, the point is to try and figure out what is making your relationship feel like it’s ending.
And it’s the first step in saving your relationship.
This means taking charge and honestly talking to your man and asking questions to uncover the reason why the spark is fading.
In other words, try to get to the bottom of it all.
Also know that the process of a deteriorating relationship generally happens slowly, VERY SLOWLY…
So much so that you might not even notice it until months or even years have passed! Even though it’s happening right in front of our eyes…
So if you happen to be beating yourself up over not “Not having noticed it sooner”.
Don’t.
It happened to me too, just as it happens to countless other women.
#2. Understand That There Are Multiple Causes
When your relationship is dying, I guarantee you it’s never due to one isolated cause.
There are always multiple things at play.
As previously mentioned in my case it was jobs and family getting in the way.
And there were also many other smaller factors, like me not feeling understood or taken seriously by Gabriel.
On top of it all, there was also his side of things.
So, not only were there multiple causes of mine that I needed to uncover to save our relationship. There were Gabriel’s as well.
This means that in your relationship, there will be two sides to contend with.
Yours and his.
This adds up to what might feel too complex a problem to unravel and somewhat overwhelming.
But for now, you only need to remember one thing; There are many different causes that are contributing towards your relationship dying!
It’s very unlikely due to one isolated reason or incident.
#3. Focus on the Main Cause in Your Relationship First
So we just said that there are various contributors to take into account when it comes to your relationship dying.
Having said all of that, when starting off, it’s best to take on the MAIN cause first, rather than trying to solve all at once!
This ensures you’re dealing with only the biggest and most urgent reason behind your relationship troubles, when trying to save it.
Then you’ll also not be overwhelmed and can take the other issues on one at a time.
For me, one of the big ones was focusing on setting boundaries with my family.
But for you it might be that your man is distant, or maybe every discussion ends in a fight or worse you might even suspect him of lying to you…
Whatever is bothering you the most, start trying to address and solve this ONE thing first.
You can think of it as saving small parts of your relationship, one at a time. And it will all add up.
Once you’ve taken care of one, you can work your way to the others when you feel ready.
#4. Have a Framework and Tools to Save Your Relationship
When I need to do my makeup, I have brushes, concealer, eyelash curler, various other tools as well as a technique.
If I’m going shopping, I know which stores I’m going to for which items, I have a shopping list app, carry bags and my car.
Every little and big task in life requires some kind of system and tools if you want to be quick and make things easier for yourself.
When it comes to relationships though, we’re taught that once you find the right guy things must somehow magically fall into place.
That there will never be a need to work on- or save your relationship…
That relationship skills are somehow instinctual or passed on and should just work.
Yet in my experience it’s nothing like that.
I struggled A LOT in my relationship at the beginning, because I was navigating blindly and hoping things would just somehow work out!
But the truth is that relationships require a method and tools just like any other task in life.
The only reason I have a fulfilling and happy relationship with Gabriel today is because I have the right framework and tools to not only save, but also create the relationship I want and know how to DEAL with problems if they arise.
Without them I’d be lost.
And they’ve added so much value to my relationship that I eventually decided to start this blog with my boyfriend Gabriel and teach these relationship techniques.
So if you find yourself in a similar situation and are not sure how to best approach saving your relationship, be sure to check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course designed especially for women.
With it, you’ll learn exactly what you need to do, to not only save your relationship from dying, but also how to build it back to being the way you want it to be: fun, loving and steamy!
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship.
If you’re not sure about something or have any questions, leave them in the comments section below and I’ll get back to you!
Best,
Karolina
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I have long distance relationship we’ve been together for 8yrs now but lately he’s always busy w/work hardly have time to talk or reply to my messages if I say something to him he’ll said u r complaining he’ll said” u know baby I’m busy w/work ” we used to talk on the phone 3 times a day now down to the 1 or 2 a day but he’s always say I love u before we ended our conversation & he said i think too much he also said he’ll be always w/me he’ll never change his mind about me, still I feel insecure, n feel that he said that just to keep me from complaining, plss help eliminate my thoughts I am a bit confused I luv him so much n never want to lose him… thank u in advance
Hi Araya,
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles with your boyfriend. It’s tough when you can’t physically see and feel him and get the reassurance you need, especially if it’s over a long period of time. But in a situation like this, it’s important to check in with yourself and trust your instinct. Are you okay with talking once a day instead of three times? And more importantly, do you trust him to be telling the truth? If no, you need to confront him about it and figure out what is actually going on.
I really like this website as it gives me some peace of mind that all is not lost just because things get a little rough.
I’m in my first relationship (at an age older than most in their first relationship) with someone who also doesn’t have a lot of experience. We both have our insecurities and difficulties in life, so that really doesn’t make things any easier.
We have only been together (officially) for close to two months but have known each other a little more than a year now. I have a lot of issues with doubt and anxiety (also a history of anxiety and depression) and don’t really have a lot of self confidence.
For almost a year I kept our relationship as just “friends” because I wasn’t sure what my feelings were. Looking back now, I was just afraid to take that next step because I definitely really love him and have liked him from the start.
He went on a trip with his family and regularly called and texted. It was at that time that he was away that I realized I was ready to begin a relationship with him (we were already acting like we were in one anyway). When he got back he even arranged a last-minute surprise trip to Paris. So we started our relationship on city trip.
But after this, now that we are finally together, I feel as if he is more distant. He doesn’t text or call a lot and I’m sometimes just left with a weird feeling. He was always open for us to be more than just friends. So it’s strange to me that he would pull back now when we finally are. He does put in effort to plan dates and things like that, I’ve met his family, he tries to help me with certain things, he also says he really cares about me and always listens when sometings wrong, etc. But if we haven’t planned anything for a couple of days he would just not get in contact as he doesn’t see the need. To me that feels really weird because shouldn’t the desire to be in contact come naturally when you care about someone? Especially at the start of a realtionship?
We have talked about it because I think it’s weird that he feels no desire to hear from me for several days on end. He said he just needs time to adjust to the relationship. He also deals with stress and worrying and sometimes just needs time for himself to recharge. After that talk it did get a little better and he made some effort. We also agreed upon a date were we will talk about it again to see if things have gotten better so that in the meantime we can just keep it fun and not constantly bring up the dificulties.
But after just a week of it getting better, we now seem to be right back were we started with him not responding right away (sometimes a whole day) and not making any contact first.
It causes a lot of stress and anxiety in me. I start overthinking everything and all sorts of scenarios start to play in my head always leading to “he doesn’t really care about me, he’s just with me because he thinks he can’t get anyone else right now or maybe he wants someone else but they are not available (he is very extraverted and has lots of friends and colleagues among which are a lot of women), …” to the point that I’m close to a panic attack.
I’ve had several times were I just think of calling quits because of the amount of stress it causes and I’m just not able to enjoy the relationship. I don’t really know if there really is something wrong here and if he is not being honest with me or if it is just anxiety induced paranoia taking over.
He keeps asking me to give it time but it’s honestly tearing me apart.
Hi Babs,
thank you for the kind words, we’re glad to hear you like our website!
It’s strange that his behavior towards you suddenly changed and that he is more distant after you got together. And yes, when people decide to be in a relationship, they often want to spend more time with each other and be in touch, not the other way around.
It seems like something big is weighing on him and he either doesn’t understand it himself or he’s not willing to share it, but either way it’s really making him withdraw.
If it’s too much for you and if things don’t change, an honest heart-to-heart about what changed for him when you got together is the way to go.
You can tell him how you feel: that you can’t continue like this, that it’s tearing you apart and causing a lot of panic. And he needs to explain to you what happened (or is happening for him) so that you can find a solution that works for both of you.
Otherwise you’ll keep turning in circles and not get to the bottom of it.
I hope he comes clean and you’re able to figure it out.
Good luck!