Taking a break in a relationship is almost always unsettling. That’s why most people’s instinct is to try to get it over and done with as soon as possible.
However, getting back in touch with your significant other TOO SOON might lead to problems and actually force you to take more or longer breaks from each other.
In the course of my over 9-year long relationship with my boyfriend, Gabriel, we’ve been through countless breaks. Some lasted only an hour, while others took up to a MONTH.
Spending time apart from each other was always very tough for me. I never really enjoyed giving Gabriel space but I was forced to do it on multiple occasions.
From my own personal experience, I’ve learned that the point of taking a break in a relationship is to resolve a problem that you’ve failed to deal with otherwise.
That’s why, how long a relationship break should last, very strongly depends on the kind of issue that you’re currently dealing with.
Three Most Common Reasons Why People Take Relationship Breaks
This is something I’ve learned from my own personal experience, as well as observed from countless other couples,
there are three main reasons why people in a relationship decide to take a break from each other:
- Break caused by an argument
- Break caused by external factors
- Break caused by serious relationship problems
A break caused by an argument is a situation where two people get into a fight.
This might happen in a form of a heated exchange, as well as a totally cold, reserved interaction followed by holding grudges or silent treatment.
Regardless of how the relationship fight looks like exactly, at the end of it, both sides fail to get through to each other, so they’re left with no other option than to just take a break to cool off and get some distance from it all.
A break caused by external factors is another really common situation when either one or both partners need space from each other.
Everybody struggles in life every now and then. It might be due to being overwhelmed at work, family problems, health or mental health, etc.
When going through a tough time, people often fear being judged or don’t want to be perceived as a burden, so they request space or suggest taking a relationship break.
A break caused by serious relationship problems is a situation where a lot of negative factors come together:
If a couple is constantly fighting, one or both sides feel unhappy and the relationship is just not working anymore, taking a break from each other is the last resort to try to restore peace and try to figure a way out.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by an Argument Last
When it comes to dealing with a break caused by a relationship fight this is the easiest and also the shortest one!
The main purpose of taking this kind of time out is to give both of you room to cool off and let your emotions calm down so that you can both gain some distance from the fight and reevaluate the situation with a clearer head.
Whenever Gabriel and I get stuck in an argument it generally takes us anywhere from an hour up to a day to calm down enough so that we can start communicating again.
When it comes to relationship breaks caused by an argument, if the break is cut too soon, it’s bound to cause yet another argument…
On the other hand, if the break lasts too long it might turn into mutual silent treatment, which only tends to make matters worse…
Keep in mind, these rules aren’t set in stone.
Ultimately, the length of the break you and your partner need depends on your personalities and also on the magnitude of the fight.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by External Factors Last
Relationship breaks caused by external factors are always more tricky to deal with, that’s why they tend to last longer.
These types of breaks can generally last between one day to up to a week.
Of course, how much time apart you need from each other, depends on what kind of problems you’re dealing with.
E.g.: When dealing with an overall bad mood one day can be enough to clear it out.
But when it comes to serious family emergencies, they might require your significant other to dedicate much more of their time and attention.
Gabriel and I went through multiple breaks due to all sorts of external factors.
At the beginning of our relationship, he would sometimes say he needs space out of the blue. Even though he never communicated it back then, I could sense that he was simply feeling down but wasn’t ready to show me that part of himself yet.
However, as we grew closer and built trust with each other, our breaks caused by the problems outside of our relationship became shorter and shorter.
The big thing about this kind of relationship break is that when a person is struggling with something, what they often really need is not space but SUPPORT.
The tricky part here is that you might not always be able or willing to give your significant other the support they crave.
Or that your partner might not be able or willing to ACCEPT the support you’re offering…
That’s why taking a break from each other is often a helpful compromise.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by Serious Relationship Problems Last
Last but not least, let’s finally get to the longest and most difficult type of relationship breaks: the ones caused by serious relationship problems.
All couples have problems. It’s normal to have disagreements, feel misunderstood at times, or not always get what you want from your partner.
However, there might come a time in a relationship when NOTHING seems to be working anymore.
This happened to Gabriel and me.
We’ve reached a point where we could not see eye to eye on things, we fought all the time, and both felt misunderstood and alone.
It was as though we were continuously hitting an invisible wall that just kept on tearing us apart.
So we decided to take a break.
In fact, this happened THREE times.
Gabriel and I have been through THREE breaks caused by serious relationship problems (they were basically breakups just that we always decided to keep in touch with each other).
Even though it was Gabriel who initiated all three of our ‘breakups’, I have been the one who insisted on making them last longer.
I did it because I thought that by extending our time apart we’d be more likely to come to some groundbreaking conclusions that would magically fix our relationship.
Unfortunately, that’s just not how things work. Relationship problems don’t vanish by themselves…
All three of our relationship breaks lasted about a month and looking back at it, I consider all three of them to have been UNNECESSARILY LONG.
Too long of a break doesn’t contribute anything towards gaining any new perspective on things.
In reality, making a break last a very long time only makes it more likely for it to turn into an actual breakup.
That’s why I recommend that a relationship break caused by serious relationship problems should last from about one week up to about a month.
How to Make a Relationship Break Work
As I outlined in the beginning of this article, couples decide to take a break from each other when they face a relationship problem that they aren’t able to fix.
This might be something relatively small, like a fight. Something slightly bigger, like personal issues or struggles. Or it can be multiple serious relationship problems.
Generally speaking, the bigger the problem, the longer the relationship break needs to last.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that on their own, breaks actually DON’T FIX ANYTHING.
They can only provide emotional distance and a fresh perspective that can be crucial in solving relationship problems.
But in order to truly make a relationship break work, both you and your partner need to use what you’ve learned from the break and do the fixing the problem part yourselves.
This brings me back to my story.
You see, all three of our relationship breaks have been caused by THE SAME ONE relationship problem.
We didn’t manage to fix it the first time round.
That’s why we eventually ended up taking yet another long and painful break from each other.
We didn’t manage to fix it the second time round either…
This is the sad reality of relationship breaks.
If you don’t SOLVE the problem that is causing you and your partner to need a break from each other, eventually the same situation is bound to repeat.
You’ll need to take another, maybe an even longer relationship break.
That’s what kept on happening to us.
Even though we were perfect for each other, if we hadn’t managed to solve that ONE recurring relationship problem, we would have been broken up for good by now…
The Ultimate Solution to Prevent or Shorten Relationship Breaks
So you might be wondering, what was THE ONE PROBLEM that kept on causing us to take multiple long breaks from each other?
We didn’t know how to ACKNOWLEDGE each other’s feelings!
And what we discovered while working with countless other couples is that this ONE BIG BLOCK is what prevented them from successfully getting through to each other as well.
It’s the ultimate solution to dramatically shorten or prevent all relationship breaks.If you want to find out more about this tool and its incredible effects in a relationship, you can check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we guide you step by step on how to use acknowledgment to make your relationship break work and fix the problems that caused it. This way you won’t need to worry about having too much space from each other ever again.
We also address the common relationship problems and pitfalls that stand in the way of having a happy and lasting relationship, so that you can truly build the loving and stable relationship you dream of.
Click here to check out Rebuild Your Relationship
Also incase you and your partner easily start fighting and you think that might be what’s contributing to your relationship breaks..
You might find our post on how to fix your relationship when you can’t talk without arguing helpful.
If you have any questions about relationship breaks or about our solution to this problem, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you!
Karolina
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Hello, so I’m having a little bit of an issue… ok so currently me and this guy started talking again after not having any contact with eachother since we were in elementary school. We would message eachother throughout the day whenever we weren’t busy,went out to dates, he would come over after work and spend the night.. so this was for almost 5 months. Mind you, he told me he was mine and I told him I was his but we still never made it official.. ok so now to the point.. Out of nowhere I just started to feel like he was making excuses about his car not working so that he wouldn’t hang out with me but turns out he wasn’t lying. I was pretty upset for 3 days and he kept asking me if I was ok and if I needed to talk or if he did anything wrong. Instead of me opening up to him and telling him how I felt I just kept telling him that I was fine… a guy ended up messaging me on fb during that time so I replied back. This new guy and I would message eachother but it wasn’t back to back, he ended up posting me on his page with a picture of me. so the first guy that I was talking to saw the post and got super upset. He blocked me on social media and wouldn’t answer the two calls I made to him. This happened on a Monday, so that same night I went to where he works ro hopefully find him and I did, we talked for a bit and he said that he loves me but that he needed time/space to process what he had seen and what had happened… its been a week and still no contact from him, should I wait another week for him to message me or should I message him to see where we stand? 🥺 I don’t want to lose him because, he’s the one I wanted from the start, not the other guy. Now because of this I feel like I’m going to lose him.. how do I get him to message me back without sounding clingy and ousting him away more?
Hi Alejandra,
unfortunately what happened was a breach of trust to him and he’s hesitant to open up again.
If you haven’t already, you should share the entire story with him including your misunderstanding about his car and your messaging with the other guy. Being transparent will help him trust you again (even if it hurts at first).
Tell him all of this and preface it with that you know he asked for space, but you thought it was important to share the whole story and you really hope he’ll give it another shot.
You’ll like also find our post on How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship helpful.
Good luck!
Hi Karolina, thank you for sharing your story.
When you were on a break due to serious problems, do you still contact each other? My partner and I are experiencing some problems in our relationship. There are factors that troubling me and I have doubts in our relationship (no third party, more of a personal traits). I opened up to her, she agrees and really wants to change. I know it’s hard, as change requires effort and hardwork but I can’t seem to find it with her. I talk to her that I’m not happy in our relationship and I don’t feel the same love like before. I don’t know how I can fix our situation anymore. She got mad as I hurt her feelings and initiate to break things off. Saying, I was only thinking about myself and regretted out time spent together. And I just allow her as we were both emotional.
To be honest, I want to take a break and reflect on things. I felt guilty for hurting her but I think it’s best as I feel that I might take her for granted if I know myself that I’m not 100% sure in our relationship. I’m still open on getting back together, but I’m scared that I this might happen again and again.
How do you know if relationship is worth to give it a second, third try.
Hi Gail,
thank you for sharing your story as well.
There are honestly no hard rules about contacting each other, you’ll both need to do what feels right to you, but it’s important to come to an agreement (On the duration of the break and what communication it may/may not entail) -This can of course also change over time.
If what you want is to take a break and reflect on things, that’s totally okay, be as gentle as you can with each other and talk as openly as possible. But do be sure to address the issue and find solutions to you what you’ve mentioned (Doubts due to personal traits and feeling unhappy in the relationship), otherwise the cycle is likely going to repeat.
I don’t know your whole story, but I should also mention that Gabriel had similar doubts in our relationship and was also often saying he wasn’t 100% sure. A lot of the uncertainty came from what I mentioned in the post, it was our inability to properly acknowledge each others feelings. Once we managed that, everything changed and the doubts eventually stopped entirely.
A relationship is worth giving a second or third try if you’re both really drawn to each other and willing to work things out together. You can also ask yourself, if she truly moved on and was with somebody else, would you regret not having tried again?
That can also get you in touch with how much your relationship means to you and if you want to give it another shot.
Thank you for your reply. Appreciate it.
I have reached out to her and we’re both open for reconciliation. We both have lot of things to change and improve – personal and as couple. And I still want her to be by my side while working on those things.
I don’t know how things may go, but hoping it will be the best for us.
Thanks again! 😊
Hi Karolina!
I’m experiencing a break with my BF of 6 months. We have a really fun & playful relationship but he struggles to deal with my son who has Autism. He’s tried to deal with the challenges but I feel he just doesn’t understand that much about this issue. He asked for space, and I was supportive. It’s been a week, and we’ve had no contact. I won’t contact him. He asked for space so he will need to reach out if & when he’s ready. I gave him an out for a breakup but he said he just needed to leave because he was mad. We don’t live together as the relationship is new. Just feeling confused.
Enjoy your blog!
Hi Ret!
Glad to hear you enjoy our blog!
Sorry that you’re going through this with him. Despite everything, it’s good that he communicated where he was at and that he needed space and well done on being supportive.
Dealing with autism is something he’s likely completely unfamiliar with, maybe he got a bit triggered. If you have capacity, I’d say reach out in the next few days (if he doesn’t) and ask him what made him mad and have an honest chat about all of it. Leaving these things for too long, can lead to the two of you drifting apart.
I hope you guys work things out!
Hi, thank you for this! When it is a break due to external factors, it’s been a little over a week now. Did you reach out to him or did you wait for him to reach out to you?
Hi! Glad you found this helpful! Whenever we were on a break due to external factors and Gabriel didn’t contact me for over a week, I generally did reach out to check in how he is doing etc..
Was he responsive? My boyfriend was responsive at first but now he is not at all.
He was generally responsive, however I did sometimes have to coax him out of hiding by bringing him his favorite food or coming over to play video games… 😉 When people are going through something, they often have a hard time taking charge or initiating. That’s why you might need to take the reins or just wait it out.
I understand. Thank you again for your response!