How to
 Save Your 
Relationship
 After a
 Painful 
Breakup

Photo by Allan Santos Dias

A relationship can work after a breakup. Even after multiple breakups!

Karolina and I broke up three times during our relationship, but now our relationships is stronger than ever and we’re together since 6 years straight.

Breakups are no walk in the park, I know. But I’ll tell you that if you’re both willing to do your parts, you can absolutely get back together and make it work differently this time around!

Let’s start with a common question.

Is It Normal For Couples To Get Back Together After A Breakup?

This is an understandable question to be asking after a breakup. You might be wondering whether getting back together will be perceived as “weak” or “easy to get” by your partner or friends.

There might be judgment and uncertainty around an important decision like this. And it’s good to consider all of it.

But in my opinion, it’s very common for couples to get back together after a breakup. As mentioned, Karolina and I went through multiple breakups and we’ve seen it happen plenty in our circle of friends.

And we did so, even after both going through the painful emotional stages after breakups (some of which you might be experiencing yourself)

The question is really more about what you want. Do you want to give it another shot? Are you both willing to work for it and do things differently this time?

Karolina and I are really happy that we got back together and tried again because if we hadn’t, we wouldn’t be in the relationship we are in today. Heck, this blog wouldn’t exist.

Your Relationship Can Be Saved, By Identifying The Problems

If you’ve previously been with your partner for months or years, you know them. You have a better understanding of both of your patterns, tendencies, and weaknesses, because of all the time you’ve spent together.

This past experience you share is valuable! Don’t underestimate it.

Even though breaking up multiple times was extremely tough for Karolina and me, we kept deciding to give it another shot because we knew how the other ticked. We had gained each other’s trust and although the path wasn’t quite clear, we saw a light at the end of the tunnel.

We didn’t know how, but we believed our recurring problems could be fixed because we spent time identifying them!

Relationships Are Complicated but you need to do whatever you can to be clear on what your ongoing relationship problems are! Talk about them, write them down, keep track and identify the top 6 problems that made you break up.

Only identify the problems for now! Work on this together. Note what 3 things make you want to give up and the 3 things that drive your partner up the wall.

Karolina and I became so much more effective at resolving our breakup pain once we really nailed identifying our problems. Don’t skip this step!

You don’t need to get down and try to resolve everything right away, just identifying the recurring problems in your relationship will already make a big difference for the better.

When Karolina and I would get into an argument about one of our recurring problems, once we realized it, we would both often laugh: “Oh look, we’re fighting about the same thing. Again!”

It was encouraging because it meant, that if we solved even one of our recurring problems in our relationship, we would be arguing so much less already!

Solving The Root Causes Will Make Your Relationship Stronger

Once it was clear to us what the recurring problems in our relationship were, we directed our efforts at finding solutions to those particular issues.

So get your list of problems out, put your heads together and brainstorm. Go for walks or get comfy with a coffee and talk. Let the conversations flow and don’t get too hung up on one particular issue.

If you find yourselves getting stuck with the talking part, you might want to check out 3 Easy Hacks To Communicate Effectively. It’s a good start to making conversations more productive and less frustrating.

This process will take time and there are many stumbling blocks. Don’t expect instant results or clarity.

I know, it totally sucks! But Karolina and I had to learn to be patient and chip away at our problems gradually. There were many skills we needed to learn along the way in order to resolve the root causes of our breakups.

We had to learn how to Build More Trust and talk to each other more kindly. We took conversation breaks when it became too much and spent time reflecting on things individually.

You often hear people talk about how relationships are hard and you constantly have to maintain them to make it work.

While that’s true, what you don’t hear nearly enough about, is that it all eventually pays off!

Investing in each other and yourselves is crucial to all relationships in your life, not just your romantic one. And you reap the rewards as you go along! You’ll deepen your understanding of each other and have someone there for you when you’re having a shitty day.

So keep at it together, work on this steadily and you’ll both get there!

I know you’ve taken brain notes and are totally committed to making it work with your partner after your breakup, and it can!

Ideally, you’ll want to get off to a strong start this time around and maybe address what to do when you can’t talk without arguing, or possibly how to rebuild trust in a relationship, if trust has been broken.