Photo by Priscilla Du Preez

You probably feel terrible after a fight with your man.

There was likely a heated exchange, mean things were said and one of you threw up your arms, finally giving up.

I can’t do this!

Even though you might have both calmed down and moved onto other things the tension remains hanging in the air…

A common course of action at this point is for couples to ignore the tension and pretend as though the fight didn’t happen.

But doing this keeps the problems and your pain UNRESOLVED.

I’m going to cover what you’ll need to say to your man after a fight so that things can be made right again.

These tips will help you settle matters peacefully and try discussing the issues that caused the argument again when you feel ready for it.

1. I’m Sorry. I Don’t Want to Fight

This is a very important thing to say because you’re making it clear to him that ultimately you DON’T WANT to fight.

You want to GET ALONG!

In ‘How To Stop Fighting’ we explained that fights happen because of NEEDS NOT BEING MET.

They’re not started for the hell of it. Nobody enjoys fighting, it’s EXHAUSTING!

It’s really easy to lose track of that though.

Once the fight escalates and both of you start blaming each other about things, it’s very likely that your man ends up feeling attacked.

So saying “I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight” will remind him that even though you argued, what you actually want is to work things out.

2. I Was Really Upset When I Said Those Things

In the heat of the moment, things are often said that we want to take back.

Some of them are simply below the belt.

If you’ve said something that hurt him and was out of line, it’s important to acknowledge it and apologize.

Doing this will have an immediate healing effect for him and will defuse some of the tension that built up.

3. I Heard What You Said, and Will Work on It

If in the argument, he repeatedly complained about something you said or did, DON’T IGNORE IT.

You need to recognize it and let him FEEL that you understand.

For example:

Him: “You always say you’re ready, but then I’m standing there, waiting 45 minutes for you…

You: “I’m sorry I did that, I lost track of time. I’ll make an effort to give myself more time so that you’re not waiting for me.

And like magic, it’ll shut him up.

Because when you acknowledge what he’s said and tell him you’ll work on it, he has no more reason to complain.

You’ve successfully given him what he wanted.

4. What Can We Do to Prevent This in the Future?

When you’re unsure about how to best resolve the problem you’re fighting about, asking this question will help you gain clarity.

You don’t have to figure everything out by yourself. You can just openly discuss possible solutions together.

We recommend thinking of this as a collective brainstorm session:

You’re a team trying to solve a complex problem and need to come up with creative solutions.

Let your thoughts bounce about together.

And if you find it helpful, you can jot them down on some paper.

Give yourselves 15-30 minutes to find a solution you’re both happy with.

There’s no need for it to be perfect, just aim for something that is BETTER than you’re current approach.

You can always modify it in the future.

5. I Need a Timeout, Can We Talk About This Later?

If despite all of your efforts, things are not de-escalating, it’s time for a timeout.

Karolina and I use this when a fight is getting out of control.

When we reach a point where it’s just too much for one or both of us, we say we need a break.

The advantage of this approach is that it lets both of you cool off and collect your thoughts.

Otherwise, you’re pushing for resolution when it’s not there yet.

Once you decide to talk about it again, you’ll both have clearer and calmer heads.

Also don’t miss our Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge to help you deal with relationship arguments.

This challenge has been designed to help women get through to their men. You’ll receive four fun and simple activities that are bound to make you feel closer to him and can really help dissolve some of that tension that might be still lingering after your last fight.

Click here to start our Free 4-Day Relationship Challenge.

If you have any questions or thoughts about dealing with the situation after fights, let me know in the comments section.

I’d love to hear from you.


Gabriel Brenner