Photo by Laura Chouette

If you’re thinking to yourself: “should I text him first or not?”, then chances are a guy you like hasn’t been paying enough attention to you lately!

Maybe you guys just went out on a date, and you are eager for him to already start arranging the next one…

Or maybe you’re together, and you need him to make more effort and prove to you that he does actually care about you.

Another possibility is that you’re broken up, and you hoped that doing no contact will bring him back already, but it didn’t…

Regardless of what your circumstances are, one thing is for sure: he is leaving you hanging for a reason.

What his motives are exactly, why he is treating you this way, depends on the circumstances you guys are in.

In this article, I’ll cover all the most common scenarios and what the rules for texting are in those situations.

But before jumping into the details, I first want to give you a general principle on how to balance texting in a way that will encourage any man to make more effort.

Should I Text Him First – Rule of Thumb

When wondering whether you should text him first or not, remember the last exchange you guys had: who initiated it?

If you were the one to text him first last time, it’s best that you wait for now.

But if he reached out to you last, then it’s definitely time for you to return the gesture and text him first this time.

The rule of thumb when it comes to texting is to try to balance out the amount of effort that both of you are putting in into making things work.

By doing it, you can make sure that you’re not just chasing him all the time and letting him take you for granted.

You have to be willing to leave room for him to make the effort and SHOW YOU that he does care and wants to make things happen.

At the same time, women can sometimes come across as distant and reserved without intending to do so. This is why keeping a healthy balance and initiating contact, just as much as he is, is so crucial.

This way, you can also show him that you care too and that he isn’t the only one making all the effort, either.

Is It Bad to Text a Guy First Everyday?

In most cases, yes, it is bad to text a guy first every day.

As long as you’re doing this, you’re spoiling him. You’re showering him with attention without him having to lift a finger for it.

Moreover, doing this might make you come across as needy or controlling.

It’s ok to text him first in the morning, every other day, though!

If he genuinely likes you, he will reciprocate your efforts. But you might need to teach him to do so by simply waiting for him to make the next move.

What Happens When You Don’t Text Him First?

Generally speaking, not texting a guy first allows you to find out where he is truly at. You’re leaving him room to show you his true colors.

Men aren’t very different from women in this regard.

What he’ll think when you don’t text him is: “What happened, did she change her mind about me?”

And then he’ll start worrying that you might be losing interested in the relationship, or that you’ve already found someone else.

This is why not texting him first is the easiest way to motivate the guy to make more effort.

But it doesn’t necessarily always work, or not as fast as you’d like, because he might not be as invested as you hoped he’d be.

Or maybe he just isn’t emotionally available enough to build a serious relationship.

It’s often easy to keep on chasing a guy and let him get away without him making more effort by making up excuses for him:

“Oh he is just really busy with work right now.”

“Maybe he is just too stressed out.“

The truth of the matter is, if he truly cares about you, he will reach out to you sooner or later.

But you have to give him space, to show you where he is really at, though!

Many of our coaching clients are hesitant with this step because they struggle with a very strong fear that if they’re not going to make an effort and initiate, they’ll just never hear from their guy again.

You don’t need to worry about this too much! Even ghosters tend to come back.

And if you really never hear from a guy ever again just because you didn’t text him first, he was never serious about you to BEGIN WITH!

I Want to Text Him, but I Know I Shouldn’t

I already briefly talked about this resistance many of us women have when it comes to facing the reality where men are truly at and how much they really care about you.

If you want to text a guy but know that you shouldn’t, then you can already sense that you’ve been chasing him.

Maybe he is making you freak out by distancing himself and pulling away.

Or he has been extra defensive and rebellious towards you.

Regardless of where he is at, if you feel like you shouldn’t text him first, DON’T.

If he cares about you, he’ll text you next. And if he doesn’t, chasing him won’t change that.

It’ll only drive him away faster.

5 Scenarios When You Should Text Him First

Alright, so I’ve covered all the most common situations when you shouldn’t text a man first.

Now it’s time to switch gears and talk about all the other times when it’s ok or even NEEDED for you to make the first move.

Some of these are scenarios typical to early stages of dating, while others are common among couples in a relationship or after a breakup.

1. You Can Text a Guy First After a Date

First and foremost, you can absolutely text a guy first after a date. We live in the 21st century, it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to make a move!

By doing this, you’ll be showing him that you’re interested in him and possibly want more.

Plus, you might even need to text him first, if the guy you’re into is very shy or afraid of rejection.

2. You Should Text Him First After a Month of Not Talking

This is another scenario typical for early stages of dating or relationship. Let’s say you were talking to a guy, but then things somehow just fizzled out.

Maybe something came in between and made you lose touch with one another.

Now a month or more has passed, and you’re still wondering:

Does he care? Is he still interested?

There is no point waiting any longer and hoping that he’ll reach out to you. You should just text him first to find out where he is truly at.

If he responds and makes an effort to keep the conversation going, it means you still have a chance.

But if he gives you one word replies or doesn’t respond at all, then you don’t have to wonder any longer:

It’s time to move on.

3. It’s Better to Text Him First After an Argument

This scenario applies to couples in a relationship or freshly broken up.

If you just had a fight with your boyfriend, keep in mind that there are always two sides to every argument. You’re hurt about things, he is hurt about other things.

It’s all a mess.

Reaching out to a guy after an argument can be like a gesture of peace.

(As long as you’re not attacking him or trying to convince him to see things your way, of course…)

And even if you’re genuinely trying to make up, he might still keep on fighting you on every small issue.

Still, it’s always better to try to talk things out, rather just give him space and hope that he will miraculously start seeing the error in his ways.

Because he won’t.

Which brings me to my next point…

4. Text Him First When You Know He Is Struggling With Something

When a guy is depressed or struggling with something, his first response can be to ask you for space. In some cases, he might even request a relationship break or break up completely.

To you, it might feel like he is pushing you away in his moment of need.

Well, that’s because he most likely is!

Men have a hard time showing weakness. They worry it makes them unattractive and that you might want to leave because of it.

So they try to preempt the strike and withdraw first.

If he asked you for space, you need to respect it.

But if you haven’t heard from him in a week, and you know he is struggling with something, nothing stands in the way of you just checking in.

Text him first and ask how he is doing. He’ll appreciate it and feel slightly less alone with his problems.

5. Definitely Text Him First After No Contact

If you did not contact after a breakup, chances are you were doing it to get your ex back.

The problem with cutting a guy off without any explanation is that they might interpret your rejection as you not caring about them.

I know this might sound ridiculous, but men can be extremely sensitive in this regard.

This is why it’s so important to cut them off the right way, to get them to chase you again.

If you did no contact, but your ex didn’t bite, and you haven’t heard from him ever since, there is no point waiting any longer.

He most likely believes you intend on moving on and is doing the same thing himself.

So it might be best to clarify this misunderstanding as soon as possible by texting him first.

How Often Should I Text Him to Keep Him Interested

Regardless whether you’re dating, in a relationship or broken up, maintaining an open communication channel is crucial to keep things going.

Contrary to what they claim, guys don’t actually have an unlimited amount of confidence. They need encouragement to keep on pursuing you!

If they don’t think you’re really interested, they’ll just give up sooner or later.

This is why it’s so important that you do text him first every now and then.

At the same time, you have to try to gauge where he is at and not overload him with unwanted attention. If he is not as interested as you’d like him to be, overtexting him is not going to change that.

You’ll be only letting him take you for granted and reject you over and over again.

This is why you need to match his efforts and leave him room to come your way at his own pace.

If you need help making sense of the situation you’re in, we can figure it out with you in a 1-1 coaching call.

Here, we’ll listen to your story and explain and interpret all the strange male behaviors.

We’ll also give you tips on what to do to test him, so that you can know for sure where his heart is really at.

Click here to check out Coaching Calls.

Getting men to show more interest in you can be tiresome. They do love to play power games by giving you mixed messages.

In case you need some tips on how to get a guy to chase you, my husband wrote a post about that:

Make Him Want You With These 7 Sneaky Ways

Thank you for reading, and in case you have any questions about when to text him first, leave me a comment down below, and I’ll get back to you!


Karolina Bartnik