Transparency in a relationship or marriage is absolutely crucial for building trust and making things work in the long term.
No couple can continue functioning without it.
If you’re not willing to be honest with your partner, or they’re intentionally hiding things from you, you will inevitably grow apart from each other.
But at the same time, too much transparency actually be detrimental to your or your partner’s sense of safety.
There is no point in sharing every though or doubt you might be having throughout the day. Especially if it will only hurt you or your significant other’s feelings.
But how can you tell when to be transparent in love and when to keep things to yourself?
Also, deciding the degree to which you want to be open and honest in your relationship is one thing.
But there is the other side of this dilemma too:
When is it ok or even necessary to demand that your significant is more upfront and transparent with you?
And when should you just give them some space and let them come to you at their own pace?
I’ll tackle all these difficult questions one by one in this blog post.
Let’s start with why this is such an important topic in the first place.
Why Is It Important to Be Transparent in Relationships
The number one reason why it’s so crucial to be open and honest with your significant other is that secrets always eventually come out anyway.
It’s not like you can hide things from your partner or spouse forever. Or that they can withhold the truth from you for years on end.
Whatever it is either of you isn’t open about will come to the surface sooner or later.
Just that by being transparent, you CONTROL how and when you’re confronted with the truth about your relationship.
You can choose the timing of your communication and be much more composed when it happens.
Hiding things from each other, on the other hand, inevitably results in huge, hurtful arguments that tend to emerge at the worst possible moment.
It causes a lot of pain, mistrust and drives couples apart.
We hear it time and again, when our coaching clients tell us their stories of breakup or divorce, it’s because of this very reason!
They stop communicating and start withholding more and more things from each other.
This leads to either unhealthy distance or lots of fighting. Eventually, one of them can’t take it anymore and decides to leave.
Emotional transparency is being open and honest with your partner about your feelings.
It’s means sharing important but often vulnerable information about your own emotional states and needs.
It’s all about taking responsibility for where you’re really at and communicating things openly.
An example of emotional transparency would be admitting to your partner or spouse that you’re worried that they don’t care about you and that you’d need them to pay more attention to you.
Another common example would be coming clean about your trust or abandonment issues and asking your partner or spouse for reassurance about their commitment to you.
It’s actually really hard to be transparent emotionally. Being this vulnerable and taking responsibility for our own fears and needs is scary.
It often requires you to take a bit of a leap and just start somewhere.
Emotional transparency can prevent fights, misunderstandings, breakups or even divorce.
How Transparent Should You Be With Your Partner?
Now that you know why it is sometimes so hard to be open and honest with your partner or spouse, you might be wondering how often do you actually have to do it.
As it happens, it’s always best to be as transparent with your significant other as possible.
Especially when it comes to emotional transparency.
Coming clean about what you’re feeling and needing from your partner or spouse is what will make your relationship or marriage healthy and keep your spark alive.
However, there are a few situations when there is no point being honest or vulnerable with your significant other.
For example, if they continue to shoot you down or judge you for your emotional needs, there is no point letting them reject you over and over again.
If you can’t talk without arguing, and your partner or spouse doesn’t budge, even when you’re being completely transparent with then, you need to change your strategy and start setting boundaries instead.
You have to make it clear, it’s not ok for them to discard you this way.
What About Phone Transparency
Nowadays, our smartphones play a very important part in our lives. You can find out a lot about a person just by going through their devices.
Some of you guys have been asking me what the rules are for phone transparency in a relationship or marriage.
There are a couple of points to consider here…
You don’t have to share all of your passwords and data with your partner or spouse. It’s ok to maintain your privacy or individuality this way.
Some people need this kind of separation, while others are comfortable sharing everything.
It’s a matter of personal preference and trust in a relationship.
You need to trust your partner a lot to be comfortable with full phone transparency.
It’s not something to be taken lightly, you should never push for it, either.
At the same time, if your partner or spouse is extremely protective of their smartphone and is coincidently receiving a ton of notifications from an unknown source, this is a cause for concern.
At this point, it might be best to confront them about this and tell them that you need them to be more transparent about their phone use.
Is There Such Thing as Too Much Transparency in a Relationship?
It’s all well and good to try to be as transparent in your relationship as possible.
But what about all those times when being open and honest will only hurt you or your significant other’s feelings?
Yes, sometimes too much transparency can actually cause problems in a relationship or a marriage.
There are situations when it’s actually better to keep your thoughts to yourself and spare your partner finding out the things that might be going through your head.
This is generally the case when your honesty is not about actually changing anything and will only cause you or your significant other pain.
It’s a subtle difference, often hard to tell apart from the times when you actually do need to be transparent.
So let’s illustrate this with a few examples:
1. Being Overly Critical of Your Partner
One typical situation of too much transparency in a relationship or marriage is being overly critical of your partner.
We’re all riddled with insecurities. Nobody likes it when their loved one starts pointing out their flaws.
It’s always best to take this into account.
So, think before you speak, and if you do need to criticize something about your partner, try to formulate things more gently.
A second common example of too much transparency is comparing your partner to somebody else.
Even if you are doing this in your head, it’s best to keep these kinds of thoughts to yourself.
Confronting your significant other with such a comparison will only heighten their insecurities, and you’ll be less likely to get them to change the way you would like to.
3. Letting Your Partner Reject You Over and Over Again
Last but not least, the third example of too much transparency in love is being overly vulnerable only to have your partner shoot you down repeatedly.
This can often be the case in the early stages of dating. You can get so obsessed with someone, fall deeply in love, and you keep on chasing them, while they’re only putting in minimal effort to keep you around.
The same can happen after a breakup.
Some of our coaching clients are so eager to show their ex that things can change and that they can be happy together, they keep on reaching out and writing vulnerable love letters…
Only to be met with either silence or more rejection!
In situations like this, too much transparency about your love will only hurt you.
What to Do When Your Partner Isn’t Transparent Enough
We’ve talked about why transparency is so important in a relationship or a marriage. We’ve also covered how and when to be transparent with your partner or spouse.
The last point I want to make in this article is how to handle someone who isn’t open and honest enough with you.
But an even more common example of lack of transparency in a relationship is when your partner becomes increasingly distant without communicating why or what is going on.
When this is the case, it’s important that you don’t just wait and hope that things will change on their own.
Because they won’t.
Some people have an extra hard time communicating. This is particularly true for emotionally unavailable men.
It’s possible that your partner or spouse needs your help with getting them to open up.
But when you’ve tried to get them talking, and they’re either defensive or just not biting, then it’s time for you to start setting some boundaries with them.
You have to make it clear that you’re not ok with their distance and that you need them to try to make an effort to come out of their shell.
If you’re struggling with dealing with transparency in your relationship, we can definitely help you out with this in a Coaching Call.
Here, we’ll carefully listen to your story and help you identify where the problems really lie.
We will then give you actionable tips on what to say and do, to get your partner or spouse to respond to you the way you want them to.
Thank you for reading! If you have any questions about transparency in relationships or marriage, leave me a comment down below, and I’ll get back to you.
What it means when you can’t stop obsessing over someone
And finally, how to stop obsessing over someone
Let’s get started.
What Causes You to Obsess Over Someone?
What causes you to obsess over someone is quite simply a NEED for safety and control.
Now, what do I mean by that?
Well, when there are countless factors in our lives that are out of our control, they make us feel powerless or helpless…
And obsessing over someone provides a form of the perfect escape.
Because the obsession is happening in your head, not reality.
And it’s a place in which you can imagine yourself and the person you obsess about, in a perfectly safe and controlled world.
A place with little risk of being hurt.
This is one of the reasons why you can’t stop thinking about him or her, and why it can feel SO GOOD and addictive.
It’s especially true, when you love them from afar, but more on that in a minute.
First, let’s cover…
What Are Signs of Obsession? – 12 Signs
While you can be obsessed with someone, it’s important to keep in mind that there are DEGREES of how obsessed you are.
The more intense your degree of obsession, the more of the signs will fit for you.
Before you dive in, give yourself a pat on the back for acknowledging that you’re dealing with obsessive behavior and are brave enough to face that!
We’re all human, and obsessing over someone for a period is not as rare a phenomenon as you might think.
It’s not just you.
Even though we’re talking about a particular individual in your life here…
Consider that, billions of people in this world obsess over actors and high-profile people that they will never even get a chance to meet, let alone talk to.
Your situation is probably about a person who’s actually in your life.
Now, here are the 12 signs of obsession:
1. You obsessively think about them
Yes, this is the most obvious sign of obsession.
And it’s when you obsessively think about someone in the morning, throughout your day, and before you fall asleep.
They live in your head rent-free and occupy most of it.
Whatever headspace remains untouched by them is reserved for basic tasks to keep your life running.
Like eating, sleeping and turning up to a job if you have to.
If this is someone you are actually in a relationship with, you might repeatedly call and text them frequently.
This would be driven by fear of them not feeling the same way and consequently that they might abandon you.
10. You simply know you are meant to be together
Earlier, I mentioned that you might have a hard time taking their “No” for an answer.
This is likely driven by a belief that the two of you are simply meant to be together and are destined for each other.
This is another definite sign of obsession, especially if you feel this way after only knowing them for a few weeks or months…
11. You feel safe obsessing from afar
Now, here comes the irony in all the obsessive behavior.
In my observation, it is often the case that people obsess over someone who is unlikely to reciprocate their affections to begin with!
Because the fantasy of the person is too perfect to be threatened by what the REALITY might be, if you two were to actually be in a relationship:
“What if it doesn’t work out the way I have it in my head?”
“What if they don’t like me after all?”
“What if they love me, but then change their mind?”
There are simply too many unknowns and potential lack of control.
So you might find yourself obsessing over someone that you suspect will likely reject you, because it’s safer to love from afar instead of finding a serious person.
12. They are at the center of your life
Depending on how strong your obsession with someone is, they might take center stage in your life.
This means that most of what you think about and do is for your obsession.
You do things FOR THEM and for the potential future of being together.
And this can become a bit more radical, to the point where you’ve cut off contact and reduced contact with family and friends, who ‘simply don’t understand.’
So, these were the 12 signs of how an obsessed person behaves.
Let’s move onto what this kind of obsession means and how you can finally stop it.
What Does It Mean When You Can’t Stop Obsessing Over Someone?
Obsession over someone can mean many different things, some of which include:
You really like and admire this person
You need a safe space to hide and have chosen a fantasy
You’ve created a perfect persona of your obsession, to not be confronted with reality who they truly might be
You might be terribly afraid of rejection from your obsession
You have some feelings for this person and think you should make a move
Regardless of your reason for constantly thinking of someone, you have three options, really:
You can continue obsessing over them: This one is pretty straightforward, just continue what you’re doing and enjoy the fantasy without it being reciprocated.
Try to get to know them: Spend time with them and get to know each other. This will likely break the perfect fantasy, but at least you will know whether you love him/her or are just obsessed.
Try to stop obsessing over them: Since this is the focus of this post, this is the point we are going to expand on, which brings us to…
How Do I Stop Obsessive Thinking About Someone – 10 Ways
Now we get to the bottom of the matter.
So we’ve talked about what causes you to obsess over someone, which is the need for safety and control.
We’ve also covered the 12 signs of obsession, some of which you likely identified with.
Now we finally get to the heart of the matter; how do you stop obsessing over someone who doesn’t want you?
These are the 10 ways to stop obsessing over someone:
1. Create distance from them
First and foremost, you need to create as much distance from your obsession as you can.
This is CRITICAL because without distance, It will be next to impossible to stop obsessing over them.
Since you will be trapped in the obsessive thoughts cycle, which can be somewhat addictive.
So in your own time, gradually create increased distance from them, even though it might first hurt.
2. Stop idolizing them, confront the reality instead
Next, you’ll need to face the reality that they are ONLY HUMAN.
Just like you.
As much as we would like to think that there is that perfect someone in the world waiting to make everything right in our lives…
The truth is, every individual (and couple for that matter) has struggles that they need to overcome.
Nobody and no relationship is perfect.
So it’s important to realize that the person you are obsessing over has their own challenges and limits.
You just don’t know about them.
And the way you fantasized about them in an ideal world, is unfortunately just that, a fantasy.
3. Stop going to places they frequent
If there are places that you know they frequent, or you have previously met in, you’ll want to AVOID THEM where possible.
This will prevent you from accidentally bumping into them and in addition will prevent triggers to thinking about them.
If you are not in a position to do so, due to a shared work environment for example…
Then reduce your interactions with him to whatever degree possible without compromising your professional integrity.
4. Stop stalking them
This is the mirror opposite of one of the excessive signs we covered earlier.
You basically need to stop stalking them in real life or even online.
Gone are the days of you spending your free time obsessing over their lives and what they do.
If you have things that keep reminding you of them, like personal items or memorabilia, you’ll want to get rid of them.
In case that is too painful, at least pack them up and hide them somewhere in a closet or attic.
This will also help reduce thoughts of them, and you’ll be able to focus on yourself and your things instead.
6. Spend time socializing
This is a very helpful way to stop obsessing over someone.
Social interaction is one of the most occupying and stimulating distractions you can do to stop obsessing over someone.
Whether it’s with friends, family or acquaintances, anything to preoccupy yourself with other people will help you.
This kind of company will ground you and help you be in the present moment more.
Feel free to exclude people that you connect with your obsession.
7. Start a new social hobby
This takes the previous idea of socializing to another level.
The same idea applies, with the added benefit of an activity to keep your mind off the person you obsess over, and instead, busy with what you’re doing with others.
I can personally recommend hiking, dancing, traveling, and sports activities with others.
All are fantastic and effective ways to stop obsessing over someone.
But find which social activity speaks to you and go for it.
8. Participate in speed dating
There is nothing less committal yet stimulating than speed dating.
This can work very well because of the social factor, but the real reason I recommend it is that it will be a reality check.
And this is not about meeting someone new.
Instead, when you spend five minutes getting to know someone, and then you meet the next person and do the same 20 times over…
You’ll start to notice that they all have flaws, quirks, can be awkward, uninteresting and maybe even unpleasant.
It will confront you with the reality of what people are like in the real world, not in a fantasy.
Which of course also applies to the person you’re trying to stop obsessing over, which will make it increasingly difficult to hold them up on their pedestal.
9. You will be okay without them
I know, I know, they were your one and only, someone uniquely special with whom you’d share indefinite happiness.
But the truth is, you were okay BEFORE they came into your life.
And you will be OKAY without them again.
Do you remember that thing you were obsessed about having in your life, that was going to FIX that problem of yours?
Then you got that thing, and now it’s sitting somewhere in your home probably forgotten, and you’ve moved onto other items of interest?
If you’re thinking to yourself: “should I text him first or not?”, then chances are a guy you like hasn’t been paying enough attention to you lately!
Maybe you guys just went out on a date, and you are eager for him to already start arranging the next one…
Or maybe you’re together, and you need him to make more effort and prove to you that he does actually care about you.
Another possibility is that you’re broken up, and you hoped that doing no contact will bring him back already, but it didn’t…
Regardless of what your circumstances are, one thing is for sure: he is leaving you hanging for a reason.
What his motives are exactly, why he is treating you this way, depends on the circumstances you guys are in.
In this article, I’ll cover all the most common scenarios and what the rules for texting are in those situations.
But before jumping into the details, I first want to give you a general principle on how to balance texting in a way that will encourage any man to make more effort.
Should I Text Him First – Rule of Thumb
When wondering whether you should text him first or not, remember the last exchange you guys had: who initiated it?
If you were the one to text him first last time, it’s best that you wait for now.
But if he reached out to you last, then it’s definitely time for you to return the gesture and text him first this time.
The rule of thumb when it comes to texting is to try to balance out the amount of effort that both of you are putting in into making things work.
By doing it, you can make sure that you’re not just chasing him all the time and letting him take you for granted.
You have to be willing to leave room for him to make the effort and SHOW YOU that he does care and wants to make things happen.
At the same time, women can sometimes come across as distant and reserved without intending to do so. This is why keeping a healthy balance and initiating contact, just as much as he is, is so crucial.
This way, you can also show him that you care too and that he isn’t the only one making all the effort, either.
Is It Bad to Text a Guy First Everyday?
In most cases, yes, it is bad to text a guy first every day.
As long as you’re doing this, you’re spoiling him. You’re showering him with attention without him having to lift a finger for it.
Moreover, doing this might make you come across as needy or controlling.
It’s ok to text him first in the morning, every other day, though!
If he genuinely likes you, he will reciprocate your efforts. But you might need to teach him to do so by simply waiting for him to make the next move.
What Happens When You Don’t Text Him First?
Generally speaking, not texting a guy first allows you to find out where he is truly at. You’re leaving him room to show you his true colors.
Men aren’t very different from women in this regard.
What he’ll think when you don’t text him is: “What happened, did she change her mind about me?”
It’s often easy to keep on chasing a guy and let him get away without him making more effort by making up excuses for him:
“Oh he is just really busy with work right now.”
“Maybe he is just too stressed out.“
The truth of the matter is, if he truly cares about you, he will reach out to you sooner or later.
But you have to give him space, to show you where he is really at, though!
Many of our coaching clients are hesitant with this step because they struggle with a very strong fear that if they’re not going to make an effort and initiate, they’ll just never hear from their guy again.
And if you really never hear from a guy ever again just because you didn’t text him first, he was never serious about you to BEGIN WITH!
I Want to Text Him, but I Know I Shouldn’t
I already briefly talked about this resistance many of us women have when it comes to facing the reality where men are truly at and how much they really care about you.
If you want to text a guy but know that you shouldn’t, then you can already sense that you’ve been chasing him.
Or he has been extra defensive and rebellious towards you.
Regardless of where he is at, if you feel like you shouldn’t text him first, DON’T.
If he cares about you, he’ll text you next. And if he doesn’t, chasing him won’t change that.
It’ll only drive him away faster.
5 Scenarios When You Should Text Him First
Alright, so I’ve covered all the most common situations when you shouldn’t text a man first.
Now it’s time to switch gears and talk about all the other times when it’s ok or even NEEDED for you to make the first move.
Some of these are scenarios typical to early stages of dating, while others are common among couples in a relationship or after a breakup.
1. You Can Text a Guy First After a Date
First and foremost, you can absolutely text a guy first after a date. We live in the 21st century, it’s perfectly acceptable for a woman to make a move!
By doing this, you’ll be showing him that you’re interested in him and possibly want more.
Plus, you might even need to text him first, if the guy you’re into is very shy or afraid of rejection.
2. You Should Text Him First After a Month of Not Talking
This is another scenario typical for early stages of dating or relationship. Let’s say you were talking to a guy, but then things somehow just fizzled out.
Maybe something came in between and made you lose touch with one another.
Now a month or more has passed, and you’re still wondering:
Does he care? Is he still interested?
There is no point waiting any longer and hoping that he’ll reach out to you. You should just text him first to find out where he is truly at.
If he responds and makes an effort to keep the conversation going, it means you still have a chance.
3. It’s Better to Text Him First After an Argument
This scenario applies to couples in a relationship or freshly broken up.
If you just had a fight with your boyfriend, keep in mind that there are always two sides to every argument. You’re hurt about things, he is hurt about other things.
It’s all a mess.
Reaching out to a guy after an argument can be like a gesture of peace.
(As long as you’re not attacking him or trying to convince him to see things your way, of course…)
Still, it’s always better to try to talk things out, rather just give him space and hope that he will miraculously start seeing the error in his ways.
Because he won’t.
Which brings me to my next point…
4. Text Him First When You Know He Is Struggling With Something
When a guy is depressed or struggling with something, his first response can be to ask you for space. In some cases, he might even request a relationship break or break up completely.
To you, it might feel like he is pushing you away in his moment of need.
Well, that’s because he most likely is!
Men have a hard time showing weakness. They worry it makes them unattractive and that you might want to leave because of it.
So they try to preempt the strike and withdraw first.
If he asked you for space, you need to respect it.
But if you haven’t heard from him in a week, and you know he is struggling with something, nothing stands in the way of you just checking in.
Text him first and ask how he is doing. He’ll appreciate it and feel slightly less alone with his problems.
5. Definitely Text Him First After No Contact
If you did not contact after a breakup, chances are you were doing it to get your ex back.
The problem with cutting a guy off without any explanation is that they might interpret your rejection as you not caring about them.
I know this might sound ridiculous, but men can be extremely sensitive in this regard.
If you did no contact, but your ex didn’t bite, and you haven’t heard from him ever since, there is no point waiting any longer.
He most likely believes you intend on moving on and is doing the same thing himself.
So it might be best to clarify this misunderstanding as soon as possible by texting him first.
How Often Should I Text Him to Keep Him Interested
Regardless whether you’re dating, in a relationship or broken up, maintaining an open communication channel is crucial to keep things going.
Contrary to what they claim, guys don’t actually have an unlimited amount of confidence. They need encouragement to keep on pursuing you!
If they don’t think you’re really interested, they’ll just give up sooner or later.
This is why it’s so important that you do text him first every now and then.
At the same time, you have to try to gauge where he is at and not overload him with unwanted attention. If he is not as interested as you’d like him to be, overtexting him is not going to change that.
You’ll be only letting him take you for granted and reject you over and over again.
This is why you need to match his efforts and leave him room to come your way at his own pace.
If you need help making sense of the situation you’re in, we can figure it out with you in a 1-1 coaching call.
Here, we’ll listen to your story and explain and interpret all the strange male behaviors.
We’ll also give you tips on what to do to test him, so that you can know for sure where his heart is really at.
Have you just had some of your hopes shattered or your heart broken for what feels like a millionth time, and it made you wonder:
“Why do I get attached so easily?!”
I am a person who gets attached a lot, and I have a very hard time letting go.
I used to hold onto people and things, feel responsible, take the blame for when something didn’t work out etc…
So I know, from my own personal experience, how difficult of a problem our attachments can become.
On one hand, getting attached can be a sign of great strength. It allows you to build meaningful connections.
But on the other hand, it can also become your greatest weakness.
It might make you let our guard down prematurely and expose yourself to being burned time and time again.
And these kinds of bad experiences will inevitably take a toll on your self-esteem, mental health and overall well-being.
This is why in this blog post I will tell you more about my own journey of why I struggled with getting attached so easily and how I learned to manage it.
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
The number why reason why people can become attached to someone they barely know is because of all the false preconceptions about love we’re being fed all the time.
Books, movies, series and even other people sell this idea that when you meet the one, you instantly feel the spark and know that this is the person you’ll want to spend the rest of your life with.
In reality, love doesn’t work this way at all.
You can absolutely feel attracted to someone at first sight! But it takes time to get to know someone enough, for real feelings to develop between the two of you.
You can’t truly love someone you don’t really know.
If you fall in love fast and easily, chances are, rather than taking your time to get to know your crush, you’re creating an idea of who this person is in your head.
Unfortunately, doing this is a recipe for disaster.
It’s like driving blindfolded, hoping that the road ahead is straight and clear.
And it never is…
I used to think in those terms too and kept on making this very mistake over and over again.
I had to learn how to recognize the signs of true love, to be actually able to finally meet my soulmate and make things work with him.
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you were never taught how to actually build trust.
Much like when it comes to love, there are also a lot of false preconceptions about how trust works too!
In fact, most people tend to mistake trust for blind faith.
This is why they so often say things like “I just need you to trust me” or “why can’t you just trust me?”
Truth of this matter is, trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
And you can’t make yourself feel something.
One of the shocking discoveries I’ve made on my journey of fixing my own attachment style was that I actually had a lot of trust issues.
What’s more, I was trying to simply override them the whole time, all by jumping into commitments blindly.
Because of this, I never got a chance to build real trust and inevitably ended up becoming anxious, desperate and needy.
Becoming aware of, and overcoming your trust issues, might be the very thing you need to do, to stop yourself from getting attached too quickly.
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
Another reason why you might be getting attached so easily, could be because maybe you’re just so eager to get people to become attached to you too.
A lot of us do vulnerable things in the hopes of our efforts being reciprocated.
I used to hope that me being open, giving and caring will ensure that people will treat me the same way I treated them. I would start liking someone quickly, hoping that it will make them like me back.
Unfortunately, this was not always the case.
I would put myself out there, only for my vulnerability to just get exploited.
What’s more, you can’t control other people’s feelings.
Which brings me to the next point…
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
Another big reason why you might be getting attached so easily is because you’re trying to create a very particular outcome.
This used to be the case for me.
I was so invested into the whole true love narrative, it led me to become insecure and controlling.
I had a very clear idea of how relationships should unfold, and I was trying to push things that way.
But just like you can’t make someone feel a certain way, the same way, you can’t force them to commit.
What’s more, trying to do so will eventually drive them away.
So if you find yourself becoming clingy so fast, consider you might be trying to control the situation and the outcome of your relationship.
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
There is actually a flip side to this whole dynamic…
This is something I first realized in my own relationship, but also observed among a lot of our coaching clients.
There are two sides to every story.
The reason you might be falling in love and getting attached so easily, is because you keep on picking partners who are making you chase them all the time.
Or they were giving you all these signals of how much they care about you, only to then ask for space.
They’re hot and cold. Giving you mixed messages. Leaving you doubtful and confused.
If this is the case, keep in mind that they wanted you to get attached and are now keeping you hooked.
Is It Normal to Get Attached to Someone Quickly?
Now that you have a better understanding of why people get attached fast, you might still be wondering: is being easily attached bad?
The unfortunate answer is, yes, generally speaking, it is bad.
It’s not normal to let yourself be this vulnerable right away.
Even though it might feel good, opening yourself up and letting yourself get invested fast is setting yourself up for being hurt.
You need to give yourself time to get to know the person you’re with, build trust with them, and give them room to go at their own pace.
As you go through these stages, you’ll find yourself gradually getting more and more attached in a deep and fulfilling way.
But do we choose who and when we fall in love with, you might ask…
I used to think in those terms too. But it only made me feel and act as though I was a victim of the circumstances I was in.
The thing is, even though we do not have control over our feelings, we have the ability to question limiting beliefs that are hurting us.
You have to be willing to see that you might be stuck in an unhealthy emotional attachment. Which is a way of getting attached that results in a lot of pain and drives people away from you.
Once you see it in this new perspective, that’s when you’ll be able to put things into question and regain control over when and how fast you fall in love. I’ll go more into this in my next point:
How Do I Stop Getting Attached So Quickly?
The secret to stopping yourself from getting attached so easily is not to try to resist it or control it, but by questioning the beliefs that are making you act this way.
These are the five reasons why you get attached so easily:
1. You Have a False Idea About How Love Works
2. You’ve Been Made to Trust Blindly
3. You’re Eager to Get People to Like You
4. You Might Be Trying to Create a Very Particular Outcome
5. Someone Is Making You Chase Them
Getting attached so fast is not normal and will only make you get hurt over and over again. What’s more, you can’t make others become attached to you, no matter how hard you try.
You need to truly realize this in order to be able to regain control over your love life.
You can stop yourself from being needy and desperate when you truly see there is no need for it and that it’s never going to get you the results you were hoping for.
Furthermore, you have to protect yourself and put your own well-being first.
Someone who truly loves and cares about you will respect this and continue pursuing you, even when you’re more doubtful and aren’t chasing them the whole time.
If you’ve been struggling with getting attached too fast so much, that it still ends up sabotaging your love life, this is something either my husband or I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, we will give you the right kind of reassurance, so that you can calm down and let things unfold at their own pace.
We will also tell you what you can do, to flip the dynamic in your relationship. This way, you can get your significant other to chase you for a change.
An example of a platonic relationship is someone you share interests with, like a hobby or sport, and with whom you meet on a regular basis.
Afterwards, you might relax somewhere together and talk about your worldviews and beliefs, of which you have a lot in common.
You’ll be able to talk for hours without even realizing how much time has already passed.
7 Platonic Soulmate Signs
So we’ve covered the definition of a platonic soulmate.
But what are the signs of you having actually found yours?
Here are the top 7 to look out for, that’ll help you know for sure!
1. You had an instant connection
Sometimes, it’s enough to just meet your platonic soulmate, and it’s clear that you were meant to have a special connection.
It’s not like with those other people you meet, where conversations trudge along awkwardly, and you’re eager to escape at the first opportunity that presents itself.
No.
With your platonic soulmate, you’ll dive straight into engaging topics that fascinate you and realize how much you have in common.
It’ll be hard to stop talking!
2. You have similar interests
A common second sign is that you’ll have a lot of shared interests with your platonic soulmate.
Whether that’s a certain sports activity or a niche hobby that you, someone else finally understands and appreciates!
3. You’re always there for each other
When the going gets rough, and you need a friend, you’ll be able to count on your platonic soulmate.
Having a hard time at work?– You know that you can text or call them to vent about your absolutely incompetent employer.
You’ve gone through a breakup? – They’re at your door with pizza and ice cream.
‘Need an accountability buddy? – Your platonic soulmate will drag you to the gym despite your little “But I don’t want to go outside!” tantrum.
And the same will be true for YOU towards THEM!
When they’re in need of a supportive friend, you’ll make time.
4. You see the world through the same eyes
Much like you share interests, you’ll likely also see the world in a similar light.
Whatever frustrates you about people, they’ll just GET IT.
And when your platonic soulmate is annoyed for the umpteenth time about how your government is just screwing everything up, you know what they mean and are vehemently nodding in agreement.
If there are subject matters you DON’T AGREE on, then you and your platonic soul share mutual respect for the other’s view.
5. You can trust them with your insecurities and vulnerabilities
Everybody struggles in life.
And when you’re having a crisis or a meltdown because the voices in your head have gotten the better of you, you know you can count on your platonic soulmate.
You can be vulnerable and share your insecurities with them.
Whether you’re sharing things in a composed manner or are sobbing uncontrollably…
They’ll be the safe space you need and can trust, patiently listening and meaning to understand you.
6. They respect and appreciate you for who you are
Despite having endless things in common with your platonic soulmate, you will still have your differences.
And that’s a good thing, because it means you learn from each other and grow together.
This leads to a relationship in which both of you respect and appreciate the other, with all their strengths and weaknesses.
7. They are there for important moments in your life
Whether it’s that big graduation of yours coming up or your platonic soulmate is celebrating an anniversary…
You’ll both make those important events fit into your calendar.
No excuses or rain check.
Because you actually WANT to be there to show your support.
So, these are the 7 signs of how to know that you’ve found your platonic soulmate.
Not all of them have to fit, it’s more about the signs that mean the most to both of you.
Questions you might have
In addition to the signs, here are some questions you guys have been asking.
These answers will help you clarify what platonic soulmate means and whether you’ve found yours.
What is the difference between soulmates and platonic soulmates?
This simplest way to tell the difference between a soulmate and a platonic soulmate is that platonic soulmates don’t have romantic feelings towards each other.
Again, platonic intimacy means that you have a special connection with someone, without any romantic attachment or feelings.
Does platonic love involve kissing?
Sorry, nope. Platonic love does not involve kissing.
If you’re kissing someone on the lips, you guys might be more like platonic soulmates, since you’re expressing romantic and sexual interest in each other!
Absolutely! If both parties are happy having a platonic relationship, it means you are mutually benefiting and there’s nothing that speaks against it.
Enjoy it and have fun!
What does platonic love feel like?
Platonic love feels like that best friend you might have had as a kid.
The one you did everything with; ate, played, ran and ate, played, ran all over again until your parents called you home!
Platonic love is basically the adult version of that.
You will still meet to share a meal, do fun things together and possibly activities, but your exchange has the depth and breadth reflective of your adult life.
Is platonic love rare?
Yes. Platonic love is unfortunately rather rare.
Finding a platonic soulmate is a bit like finding a needle in a haystack.
So appreciate and don’t lose yours!
Can you have multiple platonic soulmates?
Sure you can! If you’re lucky enough to find multiple platonic soulmates in your lifetime, appreciate it!
Nothing speaks against it, since no romantic feelings are involved.
So, to recap one last time, a platonic soulmate means: a special friend that you don’t share romantic feelings with.
I hope you’re either going to find yours, or are already having a blast with your new bestie!
How can you know if and when your soulmate is thinking of you?
More traditional experts will tell you that it’s when you get hiccups, goosebumps, keep on sneezing, dream about your soulmate and keep on thinking about them, etc.
These kinds of signs can absolutely be true! But these were all ways of telling your soulmate is thinking about from before the smartphone era.
You see, our devices offer a much greater insight into our minds than most of us realize!
Not only can they reveal what someone might be thinking about, but they also allow for people to deduce a lot about each other from their behavior online.
All the signs mentioned in this post are things our coaching clients keep on getting baffled by. They are extremely common. Yet they’re not often spoken about…
They’re all very real, tangible ways of recognizing that your soulmate is thinking of you in 2022.
1. Your Phone Battery Keeps on Draining Very Fast
When you truly deeply care about someone, you often miss them throughout the day. One way how your soulmate can feel closer to you without actually getting in touch is by checking your location.
So if you’ve been feeling guilty about stalking your soulmate’s location, don’t!
They are likely doing it to you too! Everybody does it!
It’s a way of checking in with someone, without actually revealing that you’re doing it.
Well there is one way to tell when somebody does it…
You see, checking someone’s locations actually drains their battery.
So if your phone keeps on dying unreasonably fast sometimes, know it’s a sign your soulmate is potentially thinking of you and checking where you’re at.
2. Your Soulmate Posts Something Romantic
Another typical sign that your soulmate is thinking of you is when they post something romantic. This could mean a photo of the sunset, a song, quote etc.
Even though it might be a public post available to all of their friends or followers, it was made with a particular person in mind. It’s a way of expressing their feelings and reaching out to you indirectly.
It’s a definite sign your soulmate is thinking of you and likely missing you in that very moment.
3. They Post a Lot, in General
This is another variation of the previous sign. Some people have a harder time expressing romantic feelings. This is why they might keep their posts more neutral.
Social media is a great channel for getting attention.
So if your soulmate has been posting a lot more lately, know that they might be doing it because they are thinking of you and trying to impress you.
4. You Keep On Bumping Into Each Other
This is another classic behavior that’s extremely common, but people still get surprised by it.
Have you unexpectedly bumped into your soulmate recently and thought to yourself: “What are the odds? Clearly, the universe wants us to be together.”
Well, it’s not just the universe who is making this happen….
Technology nowadays allows us to predict where a person is going to be without arranging for them to be there.
Maybe your soulmate checked your schedule or the events you are going to.
If they unexpectedly bumped into you, it’s not necessarily a coincidence.
It could also be a sign that they are thinking of you and wanted to maximize their chances of seeing you again.
5. They Like Your Old Posts on Social Media
This is another classic soulmate behavior that leaves people puzzled and confused:
Has your special someone recently liked some really old posts of yours?
Maybe this made you wonder: “Why would they do this? Did they really scroll through my profile this far back?”
Checking out someone’s social media profile allows you to feel closer to them without having to reach out. It’s also a way to learn more about a person.
So if your soulmate liked some really old posts of yours recently, know that it’s a sign they are thinking of you and craving to feel closer.
6. They’re the First Person to React to Your Posts
When you deeply care about someone, you’re also very eager to express your support and appreciation for that person.
One way your soulmate can do this is by quickly reacting to everything you post.
It’s a sign they are thinking of you, maybe even hovering over your profile, waiting to hear from you again.
7. They Know Things About You, You Haven’t Told Them About
When you’re really in love with someone, you’re desperate to get to know them better. But it’s not always easy to ask them questions directly.
Our online presence as well as our friends are like a database of information about us.
If your soulmate knows things about you, you haven’t told them about, it’s a sign that they are thinking of you, studying your social media or talking to your friends about you.
What Does a Soulmate Connection Feel Like?
I hope you enjoyed these very real 7 signs your soulmate is thinking of you in 2022. Meeting your soulmate can be extremely exhilarating. But at the same time, it can be very vulnerable to feel this way about another person.
It’s only natural for you to want to be sure that your soulmate cares and is thinking of you just as much as you are.
This kind of connection tends to be a bit of a rollercoaster, with lots of ups and downs.
Ultimately, though, what makes it so special is this deep sense of understanding you likely feel with this other person. It just feels right and things fall into place.
A soulmate connection feels like home.
Despite all the uncertainties, you have a feeling of peace, safety and security because you know how special and rare it is to feel this way about someone.
If you’re looking for more reassurance if your significant other really is your soulmate, check out my other post: 9 Signs of True Love From a Man
And on a different note, the whole topic of soulmates can actually be a rather difficult one. This is why down below I’m going to address some questions you guys have been asking about.
Do Soulmates End up Together?
This is something I was asking myself when my husband and I started dating. I knew that we had a very special connection, but I wasn’t sure if it meant that we will get together or not and if it was going to last.
Intense feelings tend to trigger a lot of emotions. This is why soulmate relationships tend to be accompanied by a certain degree of drama.
So much so, it might even lead to breakups, especially in the first few years of the relationship.
This was true for my husband and I, as well as a lot of our coaching clients. We broke up and got back together multiple times.
Ultimately though, soulmate connection is extremely strong, this is why in most cases soulmates do end up together.
Even if they break up, they won’t be able to resist it and will find a way back to each other.
How Do You Feel When Your Soulmate Leaves You
When your soulmate leaves you, you’re sad and often even devastated. But at the same time you will likely feel a lot of disbelief.
This can’t be it?
How can they do this to me?
They can’t possibly really mean or want it?
Your soulmate leaving you often feels like a mistake.
That it’s not what was supposed to happen, and that things aren’t over yet.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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