There is really no point waiting for a guy who will never come back.
But at the same time, giving up and letting go of a relationship is extremely difficult…
It takes two people to fix a relationship after a breakup.
You can’t force someone to give you a second chance. You can’t make him see things your way, either.
As hard as it might be to accept this, sometimes it’s better to just cut your losses and move on.
But in order to be able to do that, you need to know for sure that your ex truly is over you.
You need to feel like you’re reading the signs correctly and making the right choice.
That you did everything you possibly could to fix things, but he made up his mind already, and that it was just not meant to be…
Here is a list of signs to help you know that he is over you and will most likely never come back:
1. He’s Blocked You on Everything
Blocking someone on social media and other messaging platforms is a very strong way of communicating that you don’t want to stay in touch with this person.
Unfortunately, it’s a sign that he is done with you guys and wants to move on.
If your ex did this to you, you’re likely very hurt. So much so, you might be questioning whether he really meant it.
“Why would he go to these lengths?! He didn’t have to do this… Is he just overreacting and will change his mind a couple of weeks further down the line?”
Regardless of his reasons for doing this, he is going to these lengths because he wants you to take the breakup seriously.
I know this might be hard to hear, but it’s a sign he is not intending on coming back.
Ghosting is suddenly cutting on contact without any warning or explanation.
It doesn’t usually include blocking someone on social media. It’s enough for him to just stop replying to your texts.
The purpose of this sad behavior is to actually leave a window of doubt so that he can then potentially get back in touch and restart the relationship as though the falling out never happened.
Another strong indicator that your ex will most likely never come back is when he is doing everything in his power to avoid ever meeting you in person.
An example of this would be: him not showing up to parties with friends you two have in common, dropping off his keys in a mailbox, asking a friend to pick up his stuff for him, etc.
You might be wondering: “Why is he acting so silly?? If he was over me, he wouldn’t need to play these kinds of games…”
The thing is, him doing this is him letting you know he made up his mind already.
He wants to move on and is just making sure there are no more openings for you guys to slip into your old patterns.
I know this too is likely hard to hear, but a guy is actively avoiding you the whole time it’s because he wants to gradually distance himself from you.
Unfortunately, it’s another sign he is likely never going to come back.
3. He Picked up All His Stuff Already
Your ex keeping his things at your place after a break-up is a bit like him having an emotional guarantee. It likely comforts him to think that you guys still have something in common.
It’s as though a part of him is still with you…
It’s also a way of ensuring that he will have a reason to meet up with you at least once more. (In order to pick up all the stuff he is letting you keep for now.)
Unfortunately, the opposite is also true.
If your ex has been adamant about getting back all of his things already, know that he is serious about the breakup.
It’s his way of showing you that he doesn’t want or need any ties with you.
Unfortunately, it’s another sign that he is likely over you and is not planing on coming back.
4. He Avoids Any One-On-One Time
When two people are unsure about their decision to break up and still feel drawn to each other, they’ll seek out opportunities to be alone together and possibly feel closer again.
And on the contrary, when a guy is fully resolved that he is over you, he will try to make sure that nothing comes in the way of his decision.
Much like when it comes to him avoiding seeing you, one on one time has the potential to make him slip into old patterns. It can also just lead to awkward silence and painful distance.
So if your ex has been making sure you’re never alone together, know that he is likely doing it in order to avoid any uncomfortable situations.
It’s another sad sign that he lost his feelings for you and will likely never come back.
5. He Remains Distant and Guarded
This point and the previous one tend to go hand in hand.
If you’ve seen your ex recently, and he was acting extremely distant and guarded, know that he is likely very hurt.
So much so, he probably doesn’t trust you anymore, that’s why he put his walls up and is not intending on bringing them back down anymore.
If you’ve been trying to get your ex to open up, and it’s not having any effect; he just continues to stay distant and guarded no matter what, it might be because his mind is made up already.
It’s another sad sign that he is over you and doesn’t want to get back together.
A word of warning here, it could also be that your ex is emotionally unavailable.
Men with these character traits have a hard time showing their true feelings and letting you know where they are really at.
When two people are together, they have their ways of interacting with each other. This means giving each other cute nicknames, having insider jokes etc.
After a breakup, this kind of relating generally dies down. It rarely completely disappears, though.
But if your ex is a feels like a stranger and stays a stranger for a long time, know it’s a sign that he is not wanting to let you in anymore.
He likely lost his feelings for you and is now relating to you in a totally new way.
Unfortunately, it’s another sign that he is moving on and most likely will never come back.
7. You Haven’t Been in Touch for Months
When a couple breaks up, their feelings for one another don’t just vanish from one day onto the next.
As sad as it is, if your ex hasn’t reached out to you or replied to your text since at least 3 to 6 months, know it’s likely that he is over you, and there simply is no point waiting for him anymore.
It’s hard to give up and let go of somebody you once cared for. It’s also hard to know if you’re doing the right thing.
Maybe deep down you’re still unsure and want to keep on fighting for him.
Or maybe you’ve had enough but feel bad about moving on.
I can help you make sense of all this mess in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll share stories from my own experience, as well as what I’ve learned from our clients. Together we will then figure out what it is that you really need.
I’ll also give you actionable tips to help you get the things you want from him. Regardless, whether it’s about getting closure or about getting him back.
When you text someone, and they don’t respond to you at all, it can feel very confusing.
You can sense that they are trying to tell you something, but you’re not one hundred percent sure what it is…
That’s because ‘no response’ is a response that can mean different things depending on circumstances.
Whether it’s your crush, the person you’re dating or your partner…
In this post, I’ll explain why they’re not answering (maybe leaving you on *read*) and what they’re trying to tell you by doing it.
Why No Response Is a Response
Before jumping into what ‘no response’ response means, let’s first outline why you should actually treat it as an answer.
When your message remains unanswered, it’s likely to leave you wanting some sort of closure.
You might be wondering: “Did they even see my message?”.
Sure, it might happen that they clicked on your text, got distracted and forgot about it.
Or that they somehow missed the notification.
But nine out of ten times it’s not going to be the case….
Generally speaking, when someone doesn’t respond or leaves another person on read, they do it on purpose.
So if a guy or a girl hasn’t answered your text, keep in mind that they are most likely fully aware of it and are doing it for an effect.
And they are choosing to do this to convey a message.
Even though, they might not be using words, their lack of response is in fact a response.
5 Different Things ‘No Response’ Response Could Mean
Even though ‘no response’ it’s a response, it doesn’t always mean the same thing.
Its meaning often depends on how the conversation was going beforehand, and also on what your relationship is like.
Here are five entirely different scenarios of what a ‘no response’ response could mean:
1. They Might Not Understand What You Want From Them
Things that might be clear as day to you, might be not at all clear to the person you’re texting with.
There are people out there who simply don’t get social cues or aren’t comfortable with small talk.
They might read your message and think to themselves: “I don’t understand what you want from me”.
And then choose to remain silent.
This kind of situation is more likely to happen when you’re just getting to know each other, but it can happen further down the line too.
It generally comes about after a longer period of silence, when your text was meant as a conversation starter.
If you’ve sent them an emoji, a meme, updated them about your day but didn’t ask any questions, or asked a question but didn’t add a question mark “?”, they might have read your message but simply didn’t get what you were trying to achieve with it.
“Do you even want a response?” – They might think…
If you feel like this could be the case for you, know that the best way to get out of this one is to simply start a conversation by getting to the point and asking a direct question.
Don’t beat around the bush, and they’ll respond faster because they will understand your intent.
2. They Might Not Know How to Respond
This is another classic misunderstanding that usually happens in the first months of dating.
When two people don’t know each other that well yet, they also don’t know how to read between the lines and respond to things….
Some people have a real block when it comes to being social, expressing things or reacting to messages.
This meaning of the ‘no response’ response can be a tough pill to swallow.
Rejection is always hard to deal with.
But there is no point wasting your time on someone who either isn’t serious or just isn’t into you.
It’s best to just cut your losses and move on.
4. They Might Need Space for Now
This kind of ‘no response’ response is more likely to happen further down the line in a relationship.
Maybe you’ve been dating for a couple of months now, everything has been great, you’re on good terms, texting daily and then suddenly your partner’s responses started becoming increasingly shorter…
…so much so, they might eventually stop responding entirely!
Their silence could be a non-verbal cue meaning: “I just need some space right now”.
When this happens, there is no need to panic, their ‘no response’ response doesn’t mean they changed their mind about you.
Maybe they’re just stressed about something or want some distance and alone time.
They also might be a bit lost for words and feel like they don’t want to repeat themselves or repeat the argument again.
You might be feeling this exact same way too…
If this is the ‘no response’ response situation you’re in, know that their silence doesn’t mean they don’t care about you anymore.
They are just communicating their frustration and also making it clear they don’t want to come your way at the moment.
There is no point to push any further. The best thing to do in this situation, is to back off, think about your last conversation and try to regain your partner’s trust.
By not responding, they’re making it clear they’re not willing to come your way. Or that they don’t want to interact with you on your terms.
It’s a stand-off, and they’re communicating that they’re not willing to back down. The only way to get your partner or your ex to respond to you in this situation is to give them what they have been asking for.
What to Do About ‘No Response’ Response
The exact best thing to do about a ‘no response’ response strongly depends on the situation you’re in.
However, there are some common approaches that will benefit you the most, no matter what.
Firstly, DON’T continue texting the same way you did before!
Regardless of whether you’re in the early stages of dating or have been together for a long time, you can’t force a person to change their mind. Moreover, attempting to do so will only push them further away.
Rethink your strategy and adapt your attitude instead.
Take your time to try to gain clarity on what the ‘no response’ response means in your case:
1. That they don’t understand what you want from them
2. That they don’t know how to respond
3. That they’re telling you, “I’m just not interested”
4. That they need space for now
5. That they’re frustrated
…and then take the steps we discussed.
If you still feel completely lost and unsure about your situation, I can help you figure this out in a coaching call!
Here I’ll listen carefully and ask clarifying questions, so that we can paint a full picture of what happened and why. I will help you know for sure if there is still hope, or if it’s just a waste of time.
You’ll also get tips on what to do and how to respond to a ‘no response’ in a way that will restart the conversation and give you the best shot at making it work!
If your ‘no response’ response happened in the early stages of dating, you might be interested in reading my other post: The Real Truth About Why Men Ghost Women
Yes, emotionally unavailable men do miss their partner.
But as you may know from your own experience, getting him to feel or admit that he misses you, can feel like an endless uphill struggle.
It’s something my fiancée Karolina used to complain about A LOT with me, especially during our breakups…
Because guess what?
I used to be an extremely emotionally unavailable man too.
That’s why I want to talk about this difficult topic with you, because whether it’s about discovering the traits of emotionally unavailable men, noticing the signs that he misses you or if he’ll ever wake up to what he’s lost…
All of these things matter to not only understanding your position and value in his life, but will also answer the question of how you fix emotional distance in a relationship.
(if that’s something you still want)
And that’s exactly what we’ll cover in this post, by sharing some of Karolina’s and my story with you and how you can apply the lessons we learned to your own life.
What Are the Traits of an Emotionally Unavailable Man?
You may think you’re alone with your emotionally unavailable guy, but us men are, unfortunately, not as original as you might think.
A lot of us carry very similar emotional baggage from our pasts that we’re too afraid to unpack and face.
And this has a DEEP negative impact on our relationships.
So let’s first start with identifying 5 signs of emotional detachment in men that you might recognize from your own relationship:
1. He Has a Hard Time Committing to You
Whether it’s about long-term future plans or the often dreaded ‘What are we?’ question.
Anything Karolina would say that would suggest commitment to our relationship would scare the living hell out of me!
Now, the exact reason behind that, is a longer conversation.
But in short, it’s driven by a deeply seated fear of abandonment.
So I would stay emotionally detached in an effort to AVOID the dreadful outcome of the relationship not working out.
And as you might have experienced yourself, his fear then creates the very outcome he’s TRYING TO AVOID.
Which in turn makes him think that having his emotional guard up is justified and reinforces it.
And It sucks!
For both of you.
2. He Gives You Mixed Messages
To make matters even more confusing for Karolina, after struggling with commitment, I would then say or do things that made her feel appreciated and that I was serious.
Like randomly texting her that I miss her…
So naturally she was all: “Which IS IT then????”
These kinds of mixed messages tie back to the fact that I myself was unaware of my attachment towards her.
So if you’re wondering how to tell if a guy is confused about his feelings for you, it’s likely a sign that he’s just emotionally lost and unavailable.
3. He Often Judges Your Emotions as ‘Overreacting’
I was raised in an environment that vehemently shamed the expression of emotions or needs.
When this is your standard in your formative years, it becomes your ‘normal’.
And also plays a big part in what causes emotional detachment.
This means that when Karolina was emotional about something, the only way I could react to what she said was in the SAME WAY my parents treated me.
Which was to diminish, ignore and judge her expressing her emotions as ‘overreacting’.
When there was too big of an emotional load on me and I didn’t know how to cope with it, the solution was simple:
Go hide.
If you know this behavior from your own relationship, then you’ll have seen him bury himself in work, binge the latest Netflix series, be on his phone for hours on end or any other form of withdrawal to escape the crushing load of scary emotions.
5. He Doesn’t Notice That He’s Emotionally Unavailable
Lastly, but no less important, is that he’s likely UNAWARE of the fact he is emotionally unavailable.
As mentioned, to me it was the standard (or lack thereof) that was set in my childhood, that led me to being blind to emotional needs.
In the same way, many people go through their own lives being taught that their emotions are invalid, non-existent, stupid, etc.
Overtime, these lies become ingrained, and you accept them as truths.
THIS is what causes emotional unavailability and is what you’ll experience as some traits, which put a giant wrench in the gears of what could otherwise be a happy relationship.
So these are 5 traits of emotionally unavailable men to help you know what you’re dealing with.
Next, let’s talk about the, often cryptic, ways in which he might be telling you that he misses you.
5 Signs An Emotionally Unavailable Man Misses You
The problem with emotionally detached men is that they make it INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT to read them and know what’s going on inside their heads and hearts.
So if your relationship is going through a tumultuous time or you guys broke up and there’s little contact, here are signs to help you know that he actually misses you.
1. He’s Let You Into His Life
Even though Karolina and I hit some big roadblocks in our relationship due to me being emotionally distant…
I did actually involve and let her into my life.
So if your (ex)partner has introduced you to his friends, his family or made you feel at home when you were at his place, then these are ways in which he’s talking through his actions rather than words.
(Because words might involve scary emotions.)
A man who does this, has placed enough trust and value in his partner to let her into his life this much, which makes you someone he definitely cares about and misses.
2. He Helps You Where He Can
Despite his emotional limitations, he’ll do what he can to help with things he actually CAN DO.
I may have been emotionally unavailable, but I often made gestures that clearly communicated that I was interested in Karolina and wanted her in my life.
Even after our breakups.
Whether it was helping out with an assignment, checking in on her when she was sick or the classic, carrying heavy things for her.
So distant men find OTHER WAYS to communicate that they value and miss you, typically by helping where they can.
3. He Makes Some Effort to Change
Despite all the exhausting and heartbreaking arguments we had about emotional distance, I always TRIED.
I made conscious efforts to be more available and talk about my past and why I struggled with emotional attachments.
One of the ways to tell if an emotionally unavailable man loves you, is if he has made these kinds of efforts (as small as they may be!) know that this is a definite sign he’ll miss you!
4. He’s Been Vulnerable With You
As we talked about, the reason many men are emotionally unavailable is that they are terrified of being abandoned and rejected again.
They’ve been taught that their emotions are not valid and don’t exist.
So if he’s been vulnerable with you, by showing his ‘softer side’ through words, texts or even just facial expressions, then it’s another sign he’ll miss you terribly.
Because no emotionally unavailable man willingly displays vulnerability unless you’ve successfully earned his trust.
5. He Calls or Texts You
When men are having second thoughts or are trying to move on, they’ll resist contacting you.
So if he makes an effort to text or call you, maybe ‘Just wanted to see how you’re doing?’ or ask something like ‘What’s new?’
Then he most certainly is thinking about you and misses you.
The cold, hard fact is that an emotionally unavailable man often doesn’t realize he’s made a mistake until it’s too late…
The wake-up call doesn’t HIT THEM until you’ve truly moved on.
And some unfortunately chose to remain emotionally isolated their entire lives…
BUT I don’t want you to lose hope just yet!
Let’s talk about how you can try to CONNECT with him.
How Do You Connect With an Emotionally Unavailable Man?
We’ve talked about the 5 traits of emotionally unavailable men, the 5 signs that he misses you, and whether he’ll realize what he’s lost.
So how do you win an emotionally unavailable man?
I won’t lie to you, it’s difficult!
Karolina can attest to how nerve wracking it was with me, (but I also might just be particularly stubborn!)
But it IS DOABLE.
So in case you’re wondering whether emotional detachment is permanent, no IT IS NOT!
But in order to get through to him, you need to equip yourself with a couple of things:
Patience
Yeah, I know, cliché isn’t it?
But it’s true!
And yes, waiting sucks, especially if you’ve already been waiting for SO LONG!
But if you lose too much patience and push him, he’ll only use it as evidence to justify keeping himself emotionally hostage.
So do what you can, to remain understanding of his internal struggle with feelings and support him on his journey to gradually opening up.
We like to emphasize that every relationship problem has layers (yes, just like an onion) and you need to patiently peel away at them, one at a time, to get to the root cause.
And if you’re at your patience limit, take a break and give him space the right way, so there is no distance being created.
Earn His Trust
If he’s ever going to get over his emotional unavailability, he’s going to need someone who he knows to count on.
If you’re the brave soul willing to go on this trip with him, you’ve already earned my respect.
In it, we explain why relationship problems, like emotional unavailability, happen and go into detail about how to connect with him in a way that opens him up, instead of triggering his defenses.
This way he can feel safe to trust you with his feelings and you can finally have the emotional intimacy you deserve.
Breakups almost never feel like a definite end of a relationship.
When you’re together with someone, you inevitably become attached and develop a connection and that’s something that can’t just vanish from one moment onto the next.
If your boyfriend recently broke up with you, or you were the one to break up but regret it, know that this feeling you likely have: that things are not over yet, is right!
It takes months if not years to truly let go and move on. And through all that time a window of opportunity for reconciliation and fixing things often remains open.
My boyfriend and co-author of this blog broke up with me three times in the first years of our relationship. After every one of these breakups we ended up getting back together in about a month. And I know from all of you guys just how common these kinds of situations are!
Couples break up but things don’t end there. They keep on texting, seeing each other and either things fizzle out slowly or they end up getting back together.
That’s why I’ve compiled a list of signs to help you know if your ex secretly wants you back and is waiting for you to make the next move.
1. He Left His Things at Your Place and Isn’t in a Hurry to Pick Them Up
When a guy breaks up, women generally expect that he really means it. That’s why they are then often baffled when he then leaves many of his things at their place for weeks or even months after the breakup.
Sometimes this can even include really important personal items like documents, spare keys etc. But it can also be smaller, less important stuff like clothes or electric toothbrushes…
So if you still have your ex’s stuff lying around at your place know it’s not because he just forgot about it.
He is leaving it there on purpose because it gives him a sense of ‘emotional security’ to have things still connecting you two, as though you were still together in some way.
It’s a definite sign that he isn’t over you yet and is waiting for you to see where you really stand and what you’ll do.
2. He Still Has Your Things at His Place and Isn’t Trying to Give Them Back
Much like in the case of him leaving his stuff at your place, him keeping your things isn’t accidental.
It’s not that he just forgot about them or just doesn’t care to arrange to give them all back.
To him, keeping your stuff is even more of a ‘security’! Not only does it give him the feeling of having a connection with you, but it’s also a guarantee that he’ll get to see you at least once again.
Him holding onto your stuff is a sure sign that he is waiting for you and secretly wants you back but wont straight up admit it!
3. He Keeps on Texting or Calling You as Though You Were Still Together
This is another classic behaviour so many of you have told me about: a guy breaks up with you but then continues acting as though you were still together.
This might mean regular texting and phone calls or even arranging to see you or go on dates with you.
This was actually the case with Gabriel and me too! The third time he broke up with me on a Sunday and then on Monday afternoon I received a text from him saying: “Wanna meet up for a coffee?”
If your ex continues to reach out to you regularly after breaking up with you, know this is a sign he clearly misses you a lot.
Chances are, he is testing you to see if you’ll give up on him or not and waiting for you to make him come back.
4. He Replies Right Away
The speed at which someone replies to your text can actually give you a lot of insight into where they are really at and whether they are interested in talking to you or not.
But when you text your ex and he replies within the same minute, it’s a sure sign your ex has been thinking of you, missing you and waiting for you to reach out to him.
Also he is clearly really eager to keep the conversation going.
5. He Keeps You Updated on What’s New in His Life
Being together with someone means having a person to share all the important moments in life with. All the small and big victories as well as defeats.
Most people who break up don’t actually understand the consequences of it when they are doing it.
They’re blind to abandonment and rejection they themselves are inflicting and then act accordingly.
So, if your ex keeps on updating you on everything that’s happening in his life, even though he might be the dumper, in these moments he wants you back.
It’s a sign he still needs you and because of it is likely waiting for you to make a move and get him back.
6. He Isn’t Dating Anyone New
One of the most baffling and infuriating moments in my life happened two weeks after Gabriel and I broke up for the first time…
His reasons for wanting to break up back then was because he wasn’t ready to settle down and wanted to experience love and life.
I was obviously heartbroken but accepted where he was at and went on a two week sailing holiday.
I came back dreading that he will already be with some other girl…
But to my surprise, he did not see anyone while I was away, he said he was taking a break from dating for the time being.
If a guy broke up with you supposedly because he fell out of love or didn’t care about you as much as you cared about him but he isn’t trying to move on and date anybody new, it’s a sign that he is likely still hung up on you.
He is likely battling some attachment/commitment issues and is waiting for you to help him break out of them.
7. He Texts or Calls Late at Night
People often judge drunk calls or booty calls but the thing is, alcohol lowers our inhibitions. When we’re drunk we often go after things we want but wouldn’t have the courage to try when we’re sober.
The same is true about being lonely and horny late at night…
If your ex drunk texts you or gives you a booty call, know it’s a sign he is missing you at that very moment.
It’s an indicator that at least part of him is still waiting for you and secretly wanting you back.
8. He Tells You He Misses You
Have you ever had your ex say to you: “I miss you” and felt like he can’t possibly mean it, because if he did he wouldn’t have broken up with you in the first place?
The thing about breakups is that they never really are straightforward.
More often than not, the dumper is only doing it as a last resort to communicate that something really isn’t working for him in the relationship.
They’re not actually wanting to break up.
They want you to get them and possibly stop doing something that’s really hurting them.
Unfortunately, his rejection hurts A LOT too.
So much so, that when an ex who dumped you says that he misses you, you might just discard it as though it meant nothing.
However, him saying something like this to you is pretty much straightforward admitting that: he is waiting for you and wanting to fix things so that you two can get back together.
9. He Talks to Others About You
Couples who have been together for many years can sometimes have trouble communicating without fighting. When a relationship reaches this stage, breaking-up often seems like the only option to escape the cycle of endless hurtful fights.
However, it doesn’t help with resolving anything.
People are desperate to find solutions to things that hurt them and can find creative ways of doing so. Some of our coaching clients have utilised this hack: communicating through friends.
Even though it’s not the most effective way of communication, it’s better than nothing.
So if your mutual friends have been telling you that your ex has been talking or complaining to them about you, know that this isn’t accidental. He meant for you to get this message!
Chances are this is the only way he can currently try to reach out to you. He might be so hurt and bitter that he simply can’t do it directly.
Even though this might be infuriating (because he seemingly could just tell you these things himself) it’s a sign that he is thinking about you and waiting for you to do something to fix things.
How to Get Him to Openly Want You Back
It’s all well and good to read the signs that he is waiting for you and to know that he secretly wants you back but that’s just the first part of getting out of this tricky situation.
Reversing a breakup can take anything from one simple text in some cases to weeks or even months of long conversations and rebuilding trust.
Every situation is different, and so are couples paths to reconciliation.
If you’re looking for personalised advice on how to approach your ex to break through his barriers and let you in, we can help you out with ex back coaching.
Here we listen, empathize and help you make sense of your situation. We will also give you tips on exactly what to say and do to fix things and get him to want to commit to you again.
There is nothing worse than a man suddenly pulling away from you, right after getting close.
It is the most confusing and illogical thing one can do…
This constant game of my partner getting close, pulling away, getting close again, pulling away again is something that I struggled with in my relationship A LOT.
My boyfriend Gabriel used to act in the sweetest of ways. He’d text me first thing in the morning, arrange for us to meet, planned dates, be appreciative and caring.
Only to suddenly start declining all my suggestions to meet up and I wouldn’t hear from him for days on end.
Or worse, he’d say things like “I don’t know where this relationship is going” or “I’m not sure I believe in life long commitment…”.
Whenever he pulled away from me I’d feel hurt and rejected.
What’s worse, his behaviour made me doubt myself. I started wondering: “Is this my fault? Have I done something wrong?”
Years later I finally managed to drag out the truth from him. Now I know exactly why he acted the way he did and what he was actually wanting me to do about it!
In this blogpost I will share with you all I’ve learned about this common problem nearly all women face.
I’ll go into details on why men pull away, how to deal with it and what to do to get them to stop doing it.
Biggest Reasons Why Guys Suddenly Pull Away After Getting Close
Everybody’s situation is different and unique. There are many factors that can contribute to this and trigger men to pull away from women they care about.
Sometimes their need for sudden distance can arise after a relationship fight.
It can also get set off by external factors such as family or job issues.
And in other cases it might happen seemingly for no reason at all…
Even though the exact circumstances vary from person to person, there are actually some very clear patterns in this puzzling behavior of men.
These are the three biggest underlying reasons that cause guys to pull away after getting close to you:
1. Men Pull Away Because They’re Afraid Of Being Hurt
When two people start going out with each other, they often don’t have full understanding or control over the way the relationship can develop and progress over time.
In our early stages Gabriel and I would have deep meaningful conversations and have so much fun together, it would instantly make us both feel closer and deeply connected to one another.
We didn’t plan for any of these things to happen. They just did, out of the blue…
Even though these kinds of experiences can feel SO GOOD in the moment. You’re suddenly feeling close, happy, in love…
…they can also feel extremely SCARY, especially in retrospect.
Unfortunately, letting someone in on a deeper level means that they can potentially hurt you on a deeper level too.
That’s why guys sometimes pull away from you when they start to really like you or when they’re falling in love with you.
They suddenly realize just how vulnerable they’re becoming and get TERRIFIED of the potential consequences.
So they quickly distance themselves from you to slow things down and minimize any potential damage.
2. Men Pull Away to Get You to Keep On Chasing Them
There is nothing more frustrating than wanting something you cannot have.
Yet at the same time, the fact that you can’t have that one particular thing or person, tends to make it/them so much more DESIRABLE.
The push and pull dynamic is the basis of any romantic movie or series.
Take Gossip Girl for example:
In season one Blair is initially rejecting Chuck. She eventually changes her mind, but by then he is the one rejecting her.
When he finally decides to commit, she changes her mind again and so on and so forth they go for 6 seasons…
Much like in this scene Blair wanted Chuck to fight for her and win her back, the same way when a guy suddenly pulls away from you, he wants you to chase after him.
It’s a power move.
It gives him the feeling he is the one controlling the situation. In his head pulling away from you is a way of ensuring that you’ll stay hooked and remain crazy about him.
3. Men Pull Away to Sabotage the Relationship
When things start going the right way in your life and you’re finally getting something you’ve been wanting for a long time, do you ever feel like ‘it’s just too good to be true’ and then proceed to sabotage it?
I know, this kind of behavior doesn’t make much sense. Yet it’s extremely common.
I did it. Gabriel did it. And you guys have also shared your own stories of sabotage.
Even though Gossip Girl might not be the best place to get healthy relationship advice from, it just so happens that this urge to reject good things in life is a phenomenon that was very well illustrated in the Chuck and Blair dynamic too.
There were countless times when either of them pulled away from the other just for the sake of sabotaging their relationship.
Unfortunately, this doesn’t just happen in TV dramas.
Being on the receiving end of this kind of behavior can be very confusing and hurtful. It’s also something that is actually extremely common.
So, if your man starts suddenly pulling away from you when things are going well or starting to get serious, chances are he is battling some inner demons that are urging him to sabotage the special bond that you guys share.
Is It Normal For Guys to Pull Away?
Yes, it is perfectly normal for guys to pull away from women they care about. All men do it to a greater or lesser degree.
Even in the early stages of a relationship.
Men pull away and come back because they’re testing you and getting to know you.
They’re checking how you’ll react. Whether or not you’ll freak out about it. They want to see how invested you are and if you care about them as much as they care about you.
Unfortunately, this problem does not always disappear as the relationship progresses.
There are countless other factors that can trigger men to suddenly need to distance themselves from you.
A very common type of situation is: men pulling away when they’re stressed.
This could be due to trouble at work or other personal problems. It’s not uncommon for couples to even take breaks from each other when struggling with various external issues.
Either way, in most cases this is not something you need to worry about too much.
Even though unpleasant, it’s a normal relationship problem most couples have to simply learn to deal with.
A little side note here:
If despite all this reassurance, you still feel uneasy about your man suddenly pulling away from you, maybe there is something more sinister that’s going on…
Even though this is such a common problem, this issue tends to make women uneasy and often triggers them to act in ways that only make matters worse.
No need to worry though…
There are a couple of approaches that can help you avoid this typical pitifall and ensure that you can keep your cool and stay high value after he pulls away from you.
1. Don’t Panic
The first necessary step that will allow you to stay high-value in this tricky situation is to simply calm yourself down.
Him pulling away from you is nothing unusual. You don’t need to worry or even think about it too much.
It doesn’t mean anything about you or about your relationship.
It’s just something all men do.
2. Keep in Mind That This Is Not Your Fault
Whenever Gabriel suddenly started pulling away from me, one of my first thoughts was alway ‘is it because of something I did?’.
Unfortunately, us blaming ourselves for things that have nothing to do with us is a problem most people struggle with to some degree.
Firstly, this could be because more often than not, when a man pulls away from you he actually wants you to chase after him.
And when you don’t react the way he hoped you would, he might just decide to keep on waiting for you to change your mind…
In this scenario, you giving him space for a long time, might trigger you guys to get stuck in a situation where both sides are waiting for the other to reach out first.
He might not have the guts to straight up admit that this is where he is at or he may also want to keep on stringing you along just in case.
Either way, the only way for you to find out, is to check in and ask him yourself.
This way you’ll know for sure whether he cares or not and won’t be left waiting for something that might just never happen.
What to Do to Get Him to Stop Pulling Away
Getting a guy to come back after he pulled away from you is generally the easy part. In most cases he simply comes back on his own.
Unfortunately, him coming back doesn’t mean that he won’t suddenly distance himself from you again and again.
A lot of you guys have shared your stories on our blog and I also know this pattern from my own personal experience. Men who pull away from women they care about, generally keep on doing it.
It’s unsettling the first time it happens. Might be heartbreaking when it happens the second or the third time…
But when a guy keeps on pulling away and coming back, it will eventually wear you down. So much so, you might even start thinking that this relationship might already be over.
There is a way to put a stop to this pattern though.
Him pulling away from you, is a sign that the power dynamic in your relationship might be off.
He likely feels like he has got an upper hand, that he doesn’t need to worry about losing you, because he is just so sure that you’ll stick around and stay with him no matter what.
The trick to get him to stop distancing himself from you is for you to regain control in your relationship.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is one of the most difficult and time consuming tasks. Yet, it’s a problem every couple has to learn to deal with sooner or later.
There are many ways in which trust can be broken.
Some are small and seemingly harmless, like e.g. forgetting about your partner’s birthday or anniversary. Others are much more serious, here I’m talking about things like lying or cheating.
In the course of my 10 year relationship with my husband, Gabriel, there were countless times when we’ve broken each other’s trust in both small, as well as big ways…
Even though neither of us ever cheated on the other, we’ve done other things that undermined our relationship and put everything into question.
That’s why, regardless of how serious of a problem you’re currently dealing with, I want to first reassure you that you can rebuild trust in your relationship!
It will take work and time to get there, but it is possible to undo do the damage and repair what’s been broken.
Before I get to how to do it exactly, I’m going to first outline the role trust plays in a relationship, why it’s so important and also why it’s so difficult to win it back.
Can a Relationship Work if There Is No Trust?
A relationship cannot work when there is no trust between partners, at least not in the long term.
Being able to trust your significant other is one of the most fundamental emotional needs everybody has.
It’s the very thing that gives us a feeling of safety and security, that we’re not alone and that there is somebody we can rely on.
Having this kind stability is one of the biggest perks of being in a long term relationship: it’s one of the main reasons why people choose to build their lives together with another person.
Without trust in a relationship, there is simply no room for any of these positive feelings. When you don’t trust your significant other you can’t rely on them for anything either.
It’s as though as you’re two strangers, exchanging favors while wearily awaiting being betrayed again.
No couple can function under those kinds of circumstances.
Lack of emotional security and stability makes it impossible for two people to really connect, open up and grow closer to each other.
Relationships simply stop working when there is no trust in them or when trust gets broken.
That’s why it’s so important to rebuild broken trust in a relationship as soon as possible.
What Causes Lack of Trust in a Relationship?
Sadly, there are a couple of things that cause lack of trust in a relationship. Some of them have to do with both yours and your significant other’s personal history, while others are directly related to the things you did or didn’t do in relation to each other. These are the four big culprits that cause lack of trust in a relationship:
You Haven’t Had to the Chance to Build Trust Yet
It takes time for two people to open up and gain each other’s trust in a new relationship. If you haven’t been dating for a very long time, chances are you don’t know each other that well yet. It’s hard to trust somebody you barely know.
People often expect that when they care about you, it automatically means that you trust them.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. Which brings me to my next point…
Misconceptions About How Trust Works Can Cause Lack of Trust in Relationships
A lot of people live with major misconceptions about how trust works in general.
There is this very common theme that repeats in many action movies in particular: when the main character is about to make someone do something seemingly crazy and reckless (like jumping off a cliff), they say to them “Just trust me!”.
People treat trust as though it was a CHOICE. As though you could just make up your mind and suddenly start trusting somebody.
Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that…
Trust is not a choice, it’s a FEELING.
It’s something you either feel, or you don’t. You can’t make yourself trust somebody and you can’t make somebody trust you.
Trust Being Broken Causes Lack of Trust in Relationships
Finally, we’re going to get to the most severe but also extremely common cause for lack of trust in a relationship: when the trust gets broken.
When thinking of breach of trust in a romantic context most of us jump straight into things like lying, hiding things or cheating. These are the biggest and most serious examples of how partners can break each other’s trust.
Even simple things like turning up late, forgetting about something that’s important to your significant other or going back on a promise, will gradually eat away at the sense of stability and security in your relationship.
These small trust breaches are something people tend to overlook but they really do add up!
That’s why, when working on rebuilding trust in a relationship, it’s important that you address both the BIG issues, as well as the SMALL ones.
I’ll get even more into detail on how this works in my next point…
How Do You Gain Trust Back in a Relationship?
Now that we’ve covered why trust matters so much in a relationship and what can diminish or destroy it, we can finally get to the main topic of this post: rebuilding trust.
When it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship the most fundamental thing to keep in mind is that trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
You can’t CONVINCE your partner to trust you again.
But there are a lot of other things you can do to bring back their sense of stability, safety and comfort in the relationship.
1. Make an Effort to Really Understand What Your Partner Is Upset About to Start Regaining Their Trust
Once you realize that something you’ve done really upset your partner, everybody’s first reaction is to start off by quickly saying ‘I’m sorry’.
Unfortunately, too quick of an apology often means very little and doesn’t really help with rebuilding trust.
To make matters worse, your partner might even perceive your apology as you being defensive and get even more riled up and upset because of it.
In order to avoid that, and in order to make your effort count for something, you have to first figure out what it is that you’re apologizing for exactly.
Most people aren’t cruel, they don’t hurt their’s significant other’s feelings on purpose. They do it because they don’t understand the emotional consequences of their actions.
That’s why rebuilding trust in a relationship needs to start with you making an effort to really get your partner’s side of things and understanding their pain.
2. Openly Admit and Apologize for Breaking Their Trust
Once you feel like you truly get what your partner is upset about, the next step to regain their trust is to acknowledge their pain and to apologize for it.
Truly acknowledging that you did something wrong can be very hard. It’s something I used to struggle with a lot.
We all tend to get judged pretty harshly for making mistakes. This can make admitting fault extra difficult.
Unfortunately, fully admitting guilt and apologizing for your breach of trust is absolutely necessary for you to be able to gain it back.
3. Let Them Experience the Change in You
This is a very important next step that people often overlook. Once you really get what your partner was upset about and then you apologize for it, you likely expect that this should be enough for them to finally be able to forgive you and move on right?
Well, it’s not that simple.
They say actions speak louder than words. This is particularly true when it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship!
Regaining someone’s trust is not about saying the right words, it’s about showing them that they can really trust you with your actions.
Whatever it was that broke trust in your relationship, you have to help your partner SEE that it’s not going to happen again. You have to SHOW them that you mean what you say and that you are going to change your behavior.
4. Don’t Break Their Trust Again
This is the last and most important step in rebuilding trust with your partner.
Multiple breaches of trust are not uncommon in relationships…
However, every next incident will make it harder and harder for your partner to ever trust you again.
That’s why, in order to truly and permanently regain your significant other’s trust you have to make sure that whatever you did that broke it, never happens again.
How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship?
As you can see, rebuilding trust in a relationship is not an easy process. It’s not something that can happen from one day onto the next.
Since you can’t convince your partner to simply start trusting you again, what you need to do instead is to gradually win them over with your actions.
You need to show them that you really understand what about your behavior hurt them and that it’s not going to happen again.
This will require you to do things for them, to prove yourself to them and also to be ready to listen to them bringing up the past incident over and over again.
It will take time to do this.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship can be a bit of a tedious process. Generally speaking, the bigger the breach of trust, the longer it’s going to take to mend the damage.
Small things like forgetting someone’s birthday or arriving late can be fixed in days, maybe weeks.
But bigger issues like lying about finances, hiding things or cheating will most likely take months or even years for both of you to be able to fully move on.
Don’t let this make you feel hopeless about the state of your relationship.
Firstly, you don’t need to fully regain each other’s trust to be able to be happy together.
Every little effort counts and contributes significantly towards making things better.
There are things that happened in the first year of my relationship with Gabriel that we still bring up every now and then and we’re now in our 9th year together…
Even though these issues are still causing some mistrust between us, that doesn’t stop us from feeling close and letting our relationship grow.
When it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship, things don’t need to be perfect. Every little improvement counts and MASSIVELY contributes to making things better!
Why Is Rebuilding Trust So Hard?
Now that you know what it actually takes to rebuild trust, you are likely wondering:
‘Why is this so difficult? What makes rebuilding trust in a relationship so freaking hard?’
Unfortunately, it is always easier to destroy things than to rebuild them.
Accidentally dropping your phone and shattering the glass happens in a split second, but if you want to fix it, it’s going to require time, effort and money.
The same goes for trust.
A brief moment is enough to break it. But regaining it afterwards will require much more time and effort.
The main reason rebuilding trust in a relationship is so hard is that it’s vulnerable to trust someone.
It requires you to open yourself up to potentially getting hurt. It means lowering your emotional defences.
When your trust is broken, the first normal reaction is to shut down, put your walls back up and vow never to lower them again!
You breaking your partner’s trust not only hurts them, but also diminishes their ability to trust in general.
Everybody’s had their trust broken at some point in their lives.
That’s why you probably know yourself how hard it is to be vulnerable again after a breach of trust. It’s like risking the same horrible experience happening again.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is a big endeavor. It’s not a one time effort but more of a transformation in a relationship.
And a lot of things can add up to making that happen.
If you’re interested in finding out how Gabriel and I turned our relationship around, you can read our story here.
And in case you’re feeling like you could do with a little extra help, you can check out our online course: Rebuild Your Relationship. In here we teach you exactly what it takes to rebuild trust and restore a happy and loving relationship with your man.
We’ll give you the steps you need to take to rebuild trust with your partner, regardless of what broke it in the first place.
This new approach will not only help you rebuild trust with him faster, it will go far beyond that by creating a deeper bond and more fulfilling connection in your relationship.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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