Have you been pouring your heart and soul into making something work, only to have most of your efforts fall flat, leaving you frustrated and wondering: when is enough, enough?
Regardless whether it’s a job, relationship, marriage, friendship, a relative or something entirely different that is draining you this way, it’s important to recognize the right time to give up and let go.
There is no point investing more into something that is never going to work out!
But at the same time, you have to be certain you gave it your best and did everything you possibly could. This way, you can avoid having regrets about this further down the road.
I’ve been in this situation countless time myself, so I know how hard it is to be on the verge of saying: “Enough is enough!”. Giving up on someone or something you put a lot of effort into is always heartbreaking.
It might make you question if it was all for nothing. Or if you were deceived and what you thought was real, turned out not to be true. These are all extremely difficult things to face.
But at the same time, sometimes you have to be willing to let go of the outcome in order to actually get what you want out of a situation, or get your message across in a relationship.
Sometimes it takes you walking away for other people to cave in and snap out of their stubborn frame of mind.
This is a bit of a paradox I will come back to at the end of this article, but first let’s cover how to recognize when is enough, enough.
How Do You Know When Enough Is Enough?
It’s not easy to know the right time to let go of something or someone. It’s hard to give up on things you’ve invested a lot into. Also, these kinds of decision sometimes carry irreversible consequences.
For example, quitting a job might mean losing this work environment forever.
In the same way, giving up on a relationship might mean that it will be the end of it.
This is why I’ve prepared a list of signs to help you recognize when enough is enough. This way, you can know you’re in a hopeless situation, and it’s time to let go of it.
1. Enough Is Enough When You’re the Only One Making Things Work
Any interpersonal relationship needs to be mutual in order to remain healthy.
Regardless whether this is about your job, family, friendship or romantic relationship, if you’re the only person who is putting in the effort into keeping things going, know that you’re being taken for granted.
The world is a tough place, and you are your own best protector. You have to stand up for yourself and not let other people endlessly use you.
So if you’re the only glue that keeps things together, it’s likely time to say: enough is enough! It’s not healthy for you to stay in a situation where you’re being used all the time.
You deserve better!
2. When You Keep On Blaming Yourself for Everything
Another tell-tale sign that it might be the time to say enough is enough, is when you keep on blaming yourself and taking responsibility for everything that isn’t going right.
For example, if you don’t feel valued at work and haven’t gotten a raise in a while, maybe you’re thinking: “Oh I’m just not trying hard enough plus they really don’t have the money to give me a raise at the moment…”.
In the context of a romantic relationship or an unhealthy family situation, an example of this would be you constantly making excuses and blaming yourself for your loved one’s outbursts.
But if you’re walking on eggshells and blaming yourself for everything that is going wrong, know that it’s not good for you to tolerate this kind of treatment.
Your needs matter.
Moreover, someone else’s problems don’t justify them lashing out at you or denying you things.
If this is your situation, it might be a sign that enough is enough, it’s time for you to let go and make a change.
3. When You Never Get What You Want
Another way to tell when enough is enough is if you feel like you can never have what you want.
This might be a position at your job that keeps on being given to somebody else, that trip you’ve been wanting to go on with your significant other for years, or having your boundaries respected and your needs and acknowledged.
Maybe you’ve been longing for certain things for so long, you might be already coming to terms with never even getting what you want.
I used to struggle with this one in regard to getting enough attention from people. I kept on waiting for them to finally start thinking of me, only to be disappointed over and over again.
Eventually I grew tired of begging for attention and realized enough is enough. I will never have what I want if endlessly just keep on waiting for people to give it to me.
I had to let go of hoping that things will change by themselves and changed them myself.
So if you feel like you can never get what you want, it’s a sign that enough is enough. It’s time for you to give up hoping and waiting, and go and get what you want yourself.
4. Enough is Enough When You Tried Everything Already
One way to know enough is enough is when you feel like you’ve tried your best to fix a problem or a relationship. But despite all of your efforts, things still aren’t working out.
So you’re at a loss of what to do next.
Because it feels like you just run out of options at this point!
Some situations truly are hopeless. Unfortunately, you can’t force certain things to happen. Especially when other people are involved.
Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be…
Dwelling on this will only bring you more pain. When there is nothing more you can do, it’s a sign that enough is enough.
It’s time to cut your loses and let go.
Especially when you love someone, it’s hard to face that things might be over for good. But if they truly care about you, it’ll be a wake-up call for them, and they’ll fight for you.
5. When You Decide That Enough Is Enough
Last but not least, you don’t have to wait for all the signs to fit your situation to know when to let go of something.
Maybe this isn’t your first time facing this type of difficulties. So even though, things might not be that bad just yet, you know where they are headed.
Or maybe things are really hard for you, but you still feel guilty.
You might worry that giving up and saying enough is enough might mean that you didn’t really care about this thing or person you’re so frustrated with.
The thing is, you don’t have to stay committed to something or someone who is making you miserable. It’s ok to give up.
You can decide for yourself that enough is enough.
If deep down you feel this way, you can trust your instinct and respect your own limits.
At What Point Is Enough Enough in a Relationship?
All the signs mentioned above absolutely apply to relationships too. But on top of all these things, I want to discuss this paradox that I briefly mentioned in the introduction already:
Sometimes it takes saying enough is enough and letting go, for your partner to cave in and finally come your way.
I made this experience countless time in my own relationship! Whenever I push my husband to give me something, he will often remain resistant to all my efforts.
But when I let go of trying to control the outcome and give him a choice instead, more often than not, he will choose to give me what I want!
So saying enough is enough in relationship can actually be a good thing.
Because it can help you break out of your own self-defeating patters!
I’ve observed the same mechanism when coaching people on how to fix their relationship problems or get their ex back.
When you love someone, it’s often harder to say enough is enough. It actually forces you to face certain difficult truths about them. That they’re not exactly the person you wanted them to be.
But coming to terms with things the way they are can often be a pivotal moment that can turn everything around and heal a relationship.
So don’t think that saying enough is enough will be the end of your relationship, because it’s generally the opposite. It’s staying miserable and letting grudges pile up that leads to people slowly losing interest and growing apart.
When Is Enough Enough in a Marriage?
The same rules that apply to relationships, also apply to marriage. With the difference being that it’s much harder to end a marriage than it is to break up.
It might feel like saying enough is enough to your spouse will be the end of things.
But it doesn’t generally work this way.
People tend to think in extremes.
I’m guilty of this myself too. I often dramatize that me giving up on something will be the end. But saying enough is enough and coming clean with where I’m really at often becomes a fresh beginning.
So don’t think that you deciding to let go will be the end of your marriage. What it might end up being is the very thing that saves it instead!
If after reading all this, you still feel stuck and don’t know what to do, this is something we can help you with in a one-on-one coaching call.
Here, either me or my husband Gabriel will listen to you and help you recognize if your situation really is hopeless or not.
We’ll then give you tips on what to do to test things, so that you can be sure you’re making the right choice.
How can you tell if a guy is hurting after a breakup?
Men can act in the weirdest of ways when they are hurt. Plus, they are often also not the best at showing and communicating their true feelings.
From countless stories women shared with me in emails, comments and coaching calls, I know how confusing guys can be after a breakup.
On one hand, he might make you feel like his mind is all made up and this is what he truly wants.
But at the same time, some of the things he says and does just don’t add up!
I’ve experienced this myself first hand too, when my then ex and now husband (yes, we got back together) started blaming me for not wanting to see him a day after he broke up with me.
Guys’ behaviors after a breakup often don’t make any sense at all. It’s because they themselves DON’T know what they’re doing.
This is why you need to keep a cool head and read between the lines.
In this article, I’ll help you identify the signs that your ex-boyfriend is hurting after the breakup and what it means for your relationship.
1. He Doesn’t Reach Out to You
One of the most common signs a guy is hurting after a breakup is when he doesn’t reach out to you at all.
He doesn’t write you messages, doesn’t call, maybe he doesn’t even react to your posts or stories.
But he hasn’t unfriended or blocked you.
Don’t be fooled into thinking it’s a sign he doesn’t care after the breakup and is moving on already.
If you guys broke up only a few days or weeks ago, he can’t possibly be over you just yet.
Feelings for someone can’t just vanish from one day onto the next.
Your ex not reaching out is much more likely a sign that he is hurting because of something you said or did and is now giving you the silent treatment.
Another typical way in which guys try to communicate that they are hurting after a breakup by acting extra distant and reserved.
Make no mistake, guys do generally go cold after a breakup. It’s completely normal if things cool off between the two of you to some degree. After all, you’re no longer together.
But there is a difference between having some healthy amount of space and independence, and someone acting super cold and reserved towards you.
Maybe he believes you really hurt him. Maybe he doesn’t trust you anymore and is trying to protect himself from falling for you again.
Regardless of what his reasons for treating you this way are, him staying extremely distant and reserved is a sign he is hurting after the breakup.
3. He Acts as Though He Doesn’t Care About the Breakup
This is another one of these classic confusing male behaviors:
Has your ex made it out as though the breakup didn’t affect him at all?
That he is at peace with everything, is enjoying his single life and wants you to find happiness too.
He might be even encouraging you to move on and start dating someone else!
Well, don’t fall for it. It’s all a bluff.
Why do guys so often act like they don’t care after a breakup?
It’s because they are so afraid of you abandoning them, that they’ll try to preempt the strike and make it out as though it was their choice.
In other words, “him giving you his blessing” is an attempt to maintain control over you and your dating life.
If your ex has been acting this way, it’s a definite sign he is missing you already and hurting after the breakup.
This is a rather straightforward one, yet many women find even this one confusing.
If your ex has been posting sunset photos, lonely landscapes, sad quotes, songs about heartbreak and disappointment, etc. make no mistake, they are meant for you to see.
He is trying to communicate things to you indirectly.
Not only is this a sign he is heartbroken over you, but also that he is missing you and thinking of you.
What makes this one confusing is that it will make you think:
“If he is so sad about the breakup, why doesn’t he just get back together with me already?!”
The thing is, this kind of indirect communication often happens when your ex broke up with you due to his fears and commitment issues, or if he was manipulated into doing it by somebody else.
He is hurting after the breakup, but likely still believes it was justified or inevitable.
5. He Is Irritable or Defensive Every Time You Talk
Your ex reacting defensively to everything you say and do is another obvious sign that he is hurting after the breakup.
Yet many women find this one hard to read too.
After all, him being so hostile and difficult might make you feel like he just doesn’t care about you at all anymore.
It’s true, he probably doesn’t have much room for where you’re at the moment, but that’s because he is just too hurt and heartbroken.
What’s more, he is endlessly provoking you to get you to come his way and show him that you care about him.
He is definitely still hurting after the breakup. Think about it, if your ex was truly done with you, he would make an effort to be more distant and civil.
6. He Throws Himself Into a Rebound Relationship Right Away
How do men fix a broken heart?
One of the easiest and fastest ways of relieving the pain of rejection and heartbreak is by finding someone else who can fill that void.
What better way to feel loved and appreciated than to start with a fresh slate. It can be like a band-aid for his broken heart.
If your ex moved on and got together with someone new almost right after your breakup, it’s a definite sign that he is still hurting and very desperate.
He is so afraid of being lonely and unloved, he can’t handle being single.
If you’re in this very situation, you might be wondering: how can you know if your ex is happy without you? And how do you know he is not coming back?
Much like, sticking a band-aid on doesn’t actually heal the wound. Jumping into a rebound doesn’t actually help you get over heartbreak.
He is likely still hurting about the things he was needing from you, you couldn’t give him. So no, he probably isn’t happy, even if he is making it out as though he is.
Whether he is coming back or not, depends on whether you leave room for him to do so, and also on how viable of a relationship his rebound actually is.
How Do You Know if He Still Loves You After a Break-Up?
Now that you know if your ex is hurting after the breakup or not, the next big question you might have is whether his feelings for you are still there…
Let me put you at ease, right away:
Yes, he most likely still loves you!
People can’t help but get attached to the person they are with. Moreover, we don’t have control over our own feelings.
Much like you can’t make yourself stop caring about him, he can’t force himself to stop caring about you.
The only things that can eventually make the two of you drift apart completely are: distance and time.
Most women I talk to in coaching calls are always shocked by how long it actually takes for a guy to heal after a breakup.
The rule of thumb here is: your ex will need approximately the same amount of time he spent with you, to fully get over you.
So if you guys have been together for six months, you can expect him to need six months to let go of you.
And if your relationship lasted five years, he will need about five years to really recover from the breakup.
Our attachments run very deep (deeper than most of us are willing to admit). This is why it takes this long for a man to get over a broken heart.
What’s more, throughout all this transition period, his feelings for you will remain there (at least to some degree).
How Long Does It Take a Guy to Realize He Misses You After a Breakup?
It’s all well and good to realize that he is hurting after the breakup, and that he most likely still loves you.
But, if this is all the case, why did he even do this? Isn’t he heartbroken too? How do guys feel after they break up with someone?
Even though men generally start hurting almost right away after the breakup, the full impact of it doesn’t really hit the male dumper quite as much as it did you.
He is most likely sad and missing you, but he doesn’t feel nearly as hurt and abandoned as you might feel right now.
This is mostly, because he is the one pulling the strings and believes he could get you back anytime, if he changed his mind.
Getting a guy to realize what he just lost is actually trickier than we’re led to believe.
They can be very stubborn and set in their ways. This is why chasing them too much only drives them further away.
At the same time, men are insecure and don’t like losing control over their partner. This is why suddenly rejecting him or blocking him can also seriously backfire.
If you need more help navigating this confusing situation, we can help you get through this with our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, you’ll find ways to know sure that you’re not just imagining things, and that he isn’t over you just yet.
We’ll also give you a step-by-step plan on what to say and do, to get him to come back to you as soon as possible.
But in the first years of our relationship when I broke up with her, I was SO PRETENDING to be over her.
Even to myself.
But the truth was that I really didn’t want her to move on.
So if you think your ex is pretending to be over you, look out for the following signs to know for sure:
7 Signs Your Ex Is Pretending to Be Over You
1. Your Ex Stays in Touch With You
They tell you, “It’s over, we broke up.” -But then make sure you’re not losing contact?
They might even say things like “I want us to be friends”. These are all typical behaviors that are meant to just keep up appearances.
Whether it’s over calls, texts, email or any other form of communication.
Staying in touch is a way of keeping tabs on you to assure themselves that you’re STILL attached to them.
2. Your Ex Expresses Anger About Your Breakup
If your ex openly shows you that they’re upset or angry about your relationship ending, it’s a sign that your ex is bitter and that they’re only pretending to be over you so that you come chasing after them.
Because if they were truly moving on, they would pack up their emotions too and move them to the next relationship.
Your ex expressing their frustration is them still desperately hoping they can mend things with you.
That you’ll finally be able to give them what they needed, so the breakup can be undone.
3. Your Ex Still Meets You
This was a signature move of mine when I broke up with Karolina.
“Yeah, we’re totally broken up, but do you want to meet for a coffee tomorrow?”
It’s a common behavior with an ex that is pretending to be over you.
They’ll insist that you’re not longer an item, but will want to hang out and do things as though you were still together.
And yes, you are right. It makes absolutely NO SENSE.
So count this as another sign.
4. Your Ex Is Interested in Who You’re Meeting
“Oh, you have plans? Who’s coming? Someone I don’t know? What do you mean, they asked for your number?”
These are all signs that they are still jealous and trying to make sure that you don’t move on.
So if they’re taking keen interest in knowing what’s happening in your social life, consider it another sign that your ex is only pretending to be over you, but just won’t admit it.
5. Your Ex Reacts on Your Social Media
Another one of the telltale signs of your ex thinking about you, is that they react on your social media accounts.
I mean, think about it, if they were over you, they wouldn’t be giving you attention and showing that they care about what’s going on in your life online.
They would be busy, moving on and trying to limit all contact with you.
But if your ex is sending you snaps, liking or commenting on your posts, they’re clearly only pretending to be over you, and it’s a definite way to know that your ex STILL CARES.
6. Your Ex Flirts With You
Another typical thing an ex does when they’re only pretending to be over you is FLIRTING.
I did the same with Karolina. Sending flirty texts and saying things to make her laugh and blush. So that she wouldn’t get tangled up with someone else.
Even though I was the one who ended things and didn’t want to get back together, I was still trying to keep her interested in me this way.
So pay less attention to what your ex is saying and more to what they’re DOING.
And if they’re flirting with you, it’s a way of knowing that your ex is trying to get your attention and that they’re definitely just pretending to be over you.
7. Your Ex Makes Sure You Still Have Some of Each Others Things
They may ask for certain things back and insist that you take some of your stuff from their place.
But if they’re holding onto (or insisting you keep) a few items that are meaningful to them, then this is another sign your ex is only pretending to be over you.
Because this is a great way of ensuring your connection remains and isn’t entirely severed.
JUST IN CASE, your ex changes their mind, and they want to get back together with you.
Questions You Might Have About Your Ex
Breakups are confusing, even after reading this post, you might be left feeling dazzled.
(Who wouldn’t after all the mixed messages and signs from an ex?)
But if you still have unanswered questions, maybe you’ll find the following helpful.
I’ve collected and listed the questions we receive the most frequently from you guys online and in our comments, emails and coaching calls.
So I hope these give you some answers.
How do you know if your ex secretly wants you back?
It’s always tricky to know if your ex has truly moved on and is gone for good, or if they secretly want you back.
Some ways to know is that they’ll respond to your texts right away and tell you that they miss you.
If you feel that you’ve tried everything in your power to make things work with them, but they constantly reject and ignore you, it’s likely time to give up on your ex.
Also, it’ll be doing you more harm than good, and you don’t need to put yourself through that any longer.
Time and space will help you clear your head and mend your heart.
When a relationship is really over, sometimes that kind of break helps both people want to give it another shot further down the line.
How do you know if your ex is testing you?
Some ways to tell if your ex regrets breaking up with you and is just testing you is that they won’t reach out for a few days to see what you do.
They’ll also indirectly pursue you, without wanting to commit.What’s important is to watch out for the additional signs of your ex testing you and know how to pass them!
Now, if you really want to make sure everything goes according to plan so that you get your ex back, we can help you with Ex Back Coaching.
In an ex back coaching call, you’ll tell us your story and based on that we’ll create a strategy for you to get your ex back that specifically targets their weakness for you.
We’ll give you tips on what to say and do, to draw them back in and get them to want to commit to you again.
Blocking a guy will almost always have a very significant impact on him.But whether it’s the kind of effect you’re hoping to achieve is another question…
Here I want to take a moment to share a very important message with you guys.
I know that no-contact rule is a very popular method of getting your ex back, and that blocking him is often recommended as a part of it.
The thing is, hundreds of women shared their stories with us in our comments section, emails and in coaching sessions, and not a single one of them successfully got her ex-boyfriend back by blocking him.
What’s more, it can seriously backfire and might even completely sabotage your chances for getting him to want to talk to you again.
With this post, I want to explain why blocking a guy is such a risky step and how exactly it can unfold.
The best way to do that is by first describing the 5 things a guy will feel when he realizes you blocked him:
1. He Will Feel Hurt About You Blocking Him
First and foremost, a guy will feel hurt when he realizes you blocked him. Blocking someone or even unfriending them on social media is an act of active rejection.
And being rejected HURTS.
When a person he cares about is the one rejecting him, it will hurt him even more.
So be careful when you decide to do it, because it will have some very serious implications for this relationship. I’ll explain this more in detail later on in this post.
2. He Will Feel Confused as to Why You Did It
If you think that the act of blocking a guy will finally make it clear to him how he’s been hurting you, I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news here…
…that’s not what’ll happen.
Hardly anybody ever hurts other people on purpose.
But if you’re on the verge of blocking him, chances are he has been blind to your pain for a while now.
In situations like this, if he’s been treating you badly in any way, shape or form, he most likely doesn’t realize he has been doing it.
Maybe he is blind to his own behavior. Perhaps he considers it normal and even good.
Either way, he doesn’t know he was doing something wrong, and the simple act of blocking him will not make him see it.
On the contrary, when he realizes you blocked him, he will remain confused as to why you took this step and will most likely rationalize it as you being unreasonable or overreacting.
3. He Will Feel Mad About It
Now you know that in most cases, a guy won’t understand why you blocked him.
But he will feel hurt and rejected by you putting him through this.
I know this might be extremely frustrating to hear. After all, he is the one who has been hurting you this whole time. Unfortunately, he doesn’t see things your way…
No matter how unfair his reaction might seem to you, he will most likely just feel mad at you for putting him through this.
4. He Will Feel Sad That You Blocked Him
Maybe that headline gave you some comfort.
Finally, some reaction related to what you’ve been hoping to achieve!
Well, don’t get your hopes up just yet. It’s not what you think.
Yes, he will feel sad about losing you, and he will miss you. He might even reflect on some of his behaviors he knows were wrong.
But all that sadness will be heavily overshadowed by his wounded pride and shattered ego.
You see, most people don’t respond well to rejection.
Especially men, who are often spoiled by women endlessly chasing them and trying to get through their walls of emotional unavailability.
Because of this, rather than reflecting on his own mistakes and the role he played in making this happen, he will feel sad that you didn’t really love him and regretful that you didn’t care about him more.
5. He Will Feel Resentful Towards You for Blocking Him
I can imagine that by now you feel like things can’t possibly get any worse. How is it possible that we would be so thick and self-centered!
The thing is, rejection often brings up the worst in us.
All the grudges and sulking are his self-defense mechanisms. It’s his way of protecting himself from feeling broken and undesirable.
I know this probably doesn’t feel fair towards you at all. And It isn’t! It’s all just his emotional reactions.
So let’s finally get to the end of this unpleasant and most likely utterly disappointing journey…
Once his initial response has finally cooled off a little, it’s going to make way for some deeper and more long-lasting feelings.
So, because he doesn’t understand your reasons for blocking him, he will most likely resent you for rejecting him this way.
But, unlike all the other feelings that might subside and vanish with time, this one is here to stay.
Even if you guys get back together after you’ve blocked him, his resentment remains an unresolved issue between the two of you.
Now that you know how a guy feels when you block him, let’s talk about the other side of the story.
What are you feeling, and where are you coming from?
So, there are two main reasons why women decide to block a guy they once cared about:
1. They had enough and are genuinely wanting to move on from this relationship.
2. They want to make him care and get him to come back.
In both of these cases, blocking tends to have the opposite effect of what the person doing it is trying to achieve.
I know, this must be frustrating to hear, but let me explain…
If you want to genuinely move on from a relationship, chances are you’ve already been distancing yourself from your ex.
So when you block him, he knows that you mean it.
This is why it might actually make him panic and scramble.
He will likely try to reach you through other channels to explain himself. He might even plead and do everything he can to convince you to change your mind.
But if you’re blocking him in order to get him back after he broke up with you or ignored you, chances are you’ve been chasing him and trying to get through to him prior to this step.
That’s why he will suspect that you’re blocking him for an effect.
In this case, he will most likely act as though he doesn’t care and won’t try to contact you.
Will He Miss Me if I Block Him
Now, that you get the general picture of all the psychological effects blocking has on a guy, I want to address some common questions you guys have asked me in your comments and in our coaching calls:
Will he miss me if I block him?
Will he reach out if I block him?
Should I block him to get him back?
The thing is, our intentions come through in our actions and choices we make.
That’s how a guy will know where you’re coming from when you’re blocking him, and whether you really mean it or not.
So again, if you do genuinely want to move on, he will miss you if you block him, he will most likely try to reach out and will try to get you back.
But, if you’re only doing it in order to get him to care and get back together with you, it will probably backfire.
He will remain distant and cold, he will pretend he doesn’t care and won’t contact you.
Should I Block Him or Just Ignore Him?
I imagine you’re pretty disappointed after reading all of this. But I want to finally offer you some reassurance.
There is a way to play this out so that you can get your point across!
If your intentions are to actually get him to care about you again, simply ignoring him might be a much safer bet.
If you want to move on from a guy, blocking him will make it easier for you to do so.
Blocking someone does help you get over them.
You won’t have to wonder if he will reach out or not. You’ve made up your mind and closed that chapter yourself.
It’s over and done with.
By blocking him, you’ll be sending him a very strong message that you’re not interested anymore.
Even though he might rebel against it in the beginning, try to find other ways to contact you and get you to reconsider your position. All you have to do is stay strong and don’t let him override your boundaries.
He will get the message eventually and will leave you alone.
Don’t worry about being rude towards him.
Especially if you’re blocking him because he hurt you.
Yes, blocking someone is a bit rude, but so is hurting a person.
You have every right to set boundaries and defend yourself in whichever way works for you. You have to put yourself first, it’s ok to do so!
Conclusion
If you’re considering blocking a guy or even just unfriending him, you’re most likely hurt about something he did or the way he’s been treating you.
You’re probably hoping that going to these lengths will finally make him understand you and why you’re doing this.
Unfortunately, blocking someone tends to have the opposite of the desired effect.
If you’re hoping to get him to come back this way, beware, it will only most likely push him further away.
And if you’re trying to move on and are doing it to make it clear to him that you’re over him, prepare yourself for his initial resistance.
Regardless of where you’re coming from and what you’re hoping to achieve by blocking him, know that he will feel hurt, confused, mad, sad and resentful towards you.
It will have a long term implication on your relationship, so don’t take this lightly and really think it through before doing it.
At the same time, there is no need to wait or worry about being rude towards him.
It’s ok to block a guy to protect yourself from him hurting you again!
If you need more help with figuring out your situation, if there is a chance to get him back, or if it’s better for you to just move on, this is something I can help you with in a coaching call.
Here, I’ll listen to your story and will help you make sense of your ex’s mixed messages and confusing behaviors.
I’ll also give you tips on what to do, to actually get him to do what you want.
Do you feel like your ex has been testing you lately? First, they wanted to break up, but now something about their behavior seems very confusing.
It’s as though they keep on sending you covert messages…
No, you’re not imagining it!
Most breakups are not final. When somebody says they want to break up, they rarely ever fully mean it.
That’s why exes will often test you after the breakup. It’s to see if they made the right choice or not. It’s also them giving you chances to prove them wrong.
Before jumping into the signs your ex is testing you, I’ll first go more into details on why people do this.
Understanding your ex-boyfriend’s or ex-girlfriend’s motives will make it easier for you to fully read and understand their behavior.
Why Is Your Ex Is Testing You
There are three big reasons why people play mind games and send mixed or covert messages to their ex-partners.
Some of them have to do with you, while others might be almost entirely unrelated to your relationship or you as a person.
They Are Testing You to See if They Can Trust You
Trust is a huge component of any relationship. It’s something that is very painful to lose. I know this might seem counter-intuitive: why would my ex care about trusting me if they wanted to break up?
But like I said, breakups are almost never the end of a relationship. Feelings you might have for each other can’t just vanish from one day onto the next.
That’s why your ex might be testing to check if they can still trust you, despite the breakup.
Your Ex Is Testing You to See if You Still Care About Them
This is something that’s likely also pretty confusing to hear.
Why would your ex worry about you not caring about him or her anymore, after wanting to break up?
The thing is, emotions are not logical.
Your ex is likely still attached to you and would like to believe that the same is true about you.
They Are Testing You to Figure Out What They Actually Want
People like to present themselves as confident and decisive. This is especially true for men.
They often feel pressured to act as though they had it all figured out and knew exactly what they want.
The truth is. Nobody really knows what they’re doing. Especially when it comes to love and feelings!
Chances are, your ex testing you is just their own attempt at figuring out what it is that they truly want from you.
Signs Your Ex Is Testing You and How to Respond to Each of Them
Now that you know why your ex is acting this way, it’ll be easier for you to wrap your head around their odd behavior and read between the lines.
I know personally how frustrating and confusing these kinds of situations can be.
My now husband and I broke up three times in the first two years of our relationship. When we were broken up, he also gave me all sorts of mixed messages.
That’s how I also know that receiving these kinds of vague hints from them will inevitably make you feel a little excited and hopeful.
This is why it’s so important that you’re able to read their signs correctly and respond accordingly.
1. Your Ex Doesn’t Reach Out for a Few Days
The first days after a breakup are always the toughest.
It’s hard to go from interacting with someone on a daily basis, to next to no contact from one day onto the next.
Maybe you’ve been struggling with this lately. Your ex either stopped reaching out to you or maybe they stopped replying to you.
They are likely checking if they can trust you to respect their boundaries and give them the space they might have asked for.
Your ex might also be testing you to see how long you can last before contacting them.
Either way, it’s normal and healthy to take some time for yourself after a breakup.
Give them a week to get back to you, if they don’t check in by then, reach out to see what’s going on.
2. They Ask About Your Love Life
There is nothing more painful than have your ex nonchalantly ask about your love life.
Yet, this is something that happens a lot. Many of our coaching clients end up feeling hurt and confused because their ex made them feel like they wanted them to move on.
The thing is, when a person is really scared of something, they often try to play it down and pretend that they’re cool with it.
Well, this is exactly what your ex is doing when they’re asking you about your love life.
On one hand, they are testing you to see if they can trust you to stay attached.
And on the other hand, they’re provoking you to show them that you still care.
It’s a bluff, and it’s important that you take it as that.
Also, they just provided you with a great opportunity to make them jealous, so be sure to use it…
3. They Act Out of Character
Another classic way how exes test their partners is by acting out as if they were a rebellious teenager.
This might include things like changing their style, cutting their hair, getting piercings, going out, smoking, drinking or even screaming and shouting. Basically any action and behavior that is meant to test your patience and provoke you.
If your ex has been putting you through something like this lately, know it’s a sign they are testing you and trying to get your attention.
They want to see if you’ll try to step in and take their freedom away from them.
They’re also likely going through some sort of personality crisis and are figuring out who they truly are and what they want.
If this is your case, it’s important that you don’t react and don’t let them provoke you.
Or maybe they’re very hurt about something you might have said or did.
Either way, don’t let them drag you into a pointless fight.
Try to read between the lines. They most likely just need you to listen and understand them.
5. They Reach Out to You via Social Media
Has your ex been ignoring you lately, but at the same time you get a feeling that whenever they post something on social media, it’s directed towards you?
Well, that’s because it is.
Your ex is fully aware that you follow them and see their posts.
So if they have been posting quotes, songs or photos that really got to you, keep in mind they did it on purpose.
Maybe, for whatever reason, they felt like they can’t communicate these things directly. So they try to get your attention this way.
This is a sign your ex is testing you to see if you get their message and will respond.
6. They Try to Make You Jealous
Jealousy is one of our strongest drives, that’s why it can be used to manipulate us fairly easily.
If your ex acting in ways that made you jealous lately, know it’s a sign they are testing you and trying to get your attention.
I know this might be counterintuitive. Maybe in your head it means that they’re wanting to move on…
But if your ex truly was over you, they wouldn’t resort to playing these kinds of mind games. If anything, they’d keep their distance and try to avoid any further drama.
So don’t play cool. Show them your true feelings, but also make sure to set boundaries and not let them play with your heart this way.
7. Your Ex Is Pursuing You but Doesn’t Want to Commit
Last but not least, one of the most common signs that your ex is testing you is the hot and cold behavior:
They have phases of wanting to see you every minute of every day.
Your ex’s behavior might make you feel frustrated and confused. Every time they withdraw, you’re worrying if it’s because of something you did.
Just so that you know, this kind of hot and cold behavior has likely more to do with ex’s commitment issues than it does with you.
Something is standing in the way of them officially getting back together with you.
The best way to respond in this situation is to, on one hand, talk about whatever doubts your ex might be having that are preventing them from wanting to commit to you again.
And on the other hand, you also have to make it clear that you’re not going to wait for them forever.
How to Pass All the Tests and Make Your Ex Fall in Love Again
Now you know how to recognize if your ex is testing you and why they’re doing it.
Ultimately, passing their tests is the only way to get them to trust you and want to get back together.
Each situation requires a different set of responses. However, there are some rules that will work for all of them:
Firstly, don’t panic. Acting impulsively might lead you to doing things that will only sabotage all your chances.
So, try your best to keep your emotions in check.
There is no rush. Your ex’s feelings for you will not vanish any time soon.
Secondly, be patient and understanding. I know this is easier said than done, but keep in mind, this attitude will give you the results you’re hoping for the fastest.
And last but not least, don’t try to bottle it all up and try to deal with everything all by yourself. Talk to your friends, trusted family members. Find outlets and express your feelings and frustrations.
If you feel like you’d benefit from some additional support with passing all your ex’s tests, that something I can help you with in an ex back coaching call.
Here, I’ll carefully listen and help you make sense of their behavior.
We’ll also make a plan on how to respond and what to do to get your ex to fall in love with you again.
When a guy you care about breaks up with you or is taking you for granted, cutting him off might feel like the only move you have left to make him realize your value and get him to miss you.
At the same time, maybe you’re hesitant to let go of him because of what might happen if it doesn’t work.
What if he doesn’t come back…?
I know exactly how it feels to be stuck in this very tricky position, because I’ve been there myself.
My now-husband, who runs this blog with me, broke up with me three times in the first two years of our relationship.
The third time he did it, I was devastated, but I was also at my LIMIT.
Yes, I wanted him back, but I was also so hurt, I didn’t want to see or talk to him.
I didn’t actually cut him off completely back then, but I did limit our contact a lot.
Back then, I wasn’t following any strict plan or rules. I was simply listening to myself and setting boundaries that felt right to me.
Me doing all that is what made us get back together in about a month.
Since then, I’ve helped many other women get their ex back.
Also, so many of you guys shared your stories with me, and that’s how I’ve learned that the no contact rule can seriously backfire.
When done right, cutting him off will make him miss you.
If done wrong, it will only push him further away and make him move on faster.
In this post, I will explain the subtle differences between these two approaches. I’ll also give you tips on what to do to get him to want you back. (Without messing up your chances.)
When You Walk Away From a Man, He Will Come Back
The reason why cutting him off can make him miss you, is because you have to get your ex to experience losing you in order for him to realize your true value to him.
As long as he feels safe and secure that he can always have you back, no matter what, the true impact of the breakup will never hit him!
He will also have no reason to fight for you and try to win you over again.
That’s why you need to walk away from him, at least to some degree, to get him to come back to you.
Like I mentioned before, there are two ways of going about this.
Cutting him off the right way will make him miss you when you’re gone.
Doing no-contact the wrong way will only make him move on faster.
How NOT to Cut Him Off
There is a pattern I observed on how women react to being broken up with.
First they are chasing their ex, trying to prove how much they care and how special the relationship was with apologies, writing letters etc.
But when all their efforts remain fruitless, they inevitably burn out.
And then they cut him off as a last attempt at getting him to want them again.
Unfortunately, there are two big mistakes here, that a lot of women make when doing no-contact that only motivate men to pull away more and start looking for a new relationship.
Cutting Him off Without Warning or Explanation Will Only Create More Damage
The first big mistake is: suddenly going no contact without any warning or explanation.
You’re not communicating anything to your ex, you just stop responding or even ghost him.
It only breaks things and creates more problems, often in an already struggling relationship, that’s hanging by a thread.
In his head, your ex thinks that you still care about him, at least to some degree. When you cut him off this way, it communicates that you don’t anymore.
Men do not respond well to this kind of rejection.
He’ll think to himself:
“I was right to break up. If she doesn’t care about me anymore, I’m going to go and find somebody else who will”.
When You Cut Him off Completely, You Give Up All Control Over the Situation
The second big mistake women make when cutting off their ex is that they completely stop all communication.
Ironically, a lot of dating and relationship experts recommend that you do full no-contact for a set period of time.
I disagree with this approach.
The problem with it, is that cutting him off completely means giving up all control of what he is doing and whom he is seeing.
Yes, theoretically if you’re broken up, you can’t prevent your ex from dating other women anyway.
But breakups are messy and most of the time men don’t know what they are really doing.
Your ex might start doing things just to provoke you. However, if you’re in full no contact mode, you won’t be able to respond to it in any way.
On top of it all, he will read your behavior as you not being interested in him anymore, and take it as a cue for him to truly leave you and try to move on.
How to Cut Him off to Make Him Miss You
Now that you know the biggest pitfalls no-contact can lead to, let’s finally discuss how to do it in a way that will get you the results you’re hoping for.
Two extremely important things to do when cutting him off are: telling him why you’re doing it, and also leaving some sort of open communication channel.
When Gabriel broke up with me for the third time, he actually wanted to meet up on the next day. Back then, I was just way too angry and hurt to want to see him. So I told him I needed space.
I made it very clear why I was cutting him off and that he can still reach me, if he needs to.
He knew I still cared about him, but I was just upset.
Me communicating that totally changed the power dynamic between us, he felt bad and became apologetic.
After that exchange, we barely talked for a few weeks.
We had an open communication channel. He reached out to me a few times to check in, talk briefly, clarify things etc.
It didn’t make him change his mind about the breakup right away.
Cutting him off didn’t have an immediate effect. In fact, it rarely does.
BUT, today when we talk about it, he agrees that had I cut off all contact, he might have just moved on because he wouldn’t have had the chance to realize he missed me.
This brings me to my next point…
How Long Does It Take a Guy to Realize He Misses You
Guys can be very stubborn. Once they decide they want to break up, they tend to stick with it, at least for a few weeks.
Different people need a different amount of time to snap out of this stubborn frame of mind.
But judging from my coaching experience, it generally takes two weeks up to a month after the breakup for an ex to realize he misses you so much, he’ll want to start getting back in touch on a regular basis.
However, this period of time can be much longer if you guys have been together for a couple of years and the breakup happened because you were fighting too much, or due to some other serious relationship issues.
Generally speaking, the bigger the problem, the longer it will take for your ex to let his guard down and start showing you that he still cares.
Additionally, in most cases, cutting him off is NOT going to be enough to get him to come back to you and want to commit to you again.
Getting Him to Want You Back After Cutting Him Off
I know that a lot of you guys hope that doing no-contact will be all that’s needed for your ex to have this sudden realization he made a terrible mistake, do a complete 180, apologize and beg you to take him back.
I get it, I felt the exact same way after our breakups.
It’s hard to deal with being rejected. It’s only natural that you’d want him to take it all back and admit that he was wrong.
Sometimes it doesn’t happen this way, but unfortunately they are very rare.
In most cases, getting your ex back is not so much of a sudden event, but more of a gradual process.
On one hand, it will require you to set boundaries with him and cut him off from his boyfriend privileges.
But at the same time, you also have to reel him in to get him to come out of his stubborn shell.
If you feel lost and a bit hopeless about this whole situation, we can guide you through it in our Get Your Ex Back Course.
Here, you’ll find a step-by-step plan of what to do to get your ex to not only miss you, but also to want to commit to you again.
We’ll also explain in detail why men can act so cool and careless after breakups, and that it’s just a bluff you can get him to drop.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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