Rebuilding trust in a relationship is one of the most difficult and time consuming tasks. Yet, it’s a problem every couple has to learn to deal with sooner or later.
There are many ways in which trust can be broken.
Some are small and seemingly harmless, like e.g. forgetting about your partner’s birthday or anniversary. Others are much more serious, here I’m talking about things like lying or cheating.
In the course of my 10 year relationship with my husband, Gabriel, there were countless times when we’ve broken each other’s trust in both small, as well as big ways…
Even though neither of us ever cheated on the other, we’ve done other things that undermined our relationship and put everything into question.
That’s why, regardless of how serious of a problem you’re currently dealing with, I want to first reassure you that you can rebuild trust in your relationship!
It will take work and time to get there, but it is possible to undo do the damage and repair what’s been broken.
Before I get to how to do it exactly, I’m going to first outline the role trust plays in a relationship, why it’s so important and also why it’s so difficult to win it back.
Can a Relationship Work if There Is No Trust?
A relationship cannot work when there is no trust between partners, at least not in the long term.
Being able to trust your significant other is one of the most fundamental emotional needs everybody has.
It’s the very thing that gives us a feeling of safety and security, that we’re not alone and that there is somebody we can rely on.
Having this kind stability is one of the biggest perks of being in a long term relationship: it’s one of the main reasons why people choose to build their lives together with another person.
Without trust in a relationship, there is simply no room for any of these positive feelings. When you don’t trust your significant other you can’t rely on them for anything either.
It’s as though as you’re two strangers, exchanging favors while wearily awaiting being betrayed again.
No couple can function under those kinds of circumstances.
Lack of emotional security and stability makes it impossible for two people to really connect, open up and grow closer to each other.
Relationships simply stop working when there is no trust in them or when trust gets broken.
That’s why it’s so important to rebuild broken trust in a relationship as soon as possible.
What Causes Lack of Trust in a Relationship?
Sadly, there are a couple of things that cause lack of trust in a relationship. Some of them have to do with both yours and your significant other’s personal history, while others are directly related to the things you did or didn’t do in relation to each other. These are the four big culprits that cause lack of trust in a relationship:
You Haven’t Had to the Chance to Build Trust Yet
It takes time for two people to open up and gain each other’s trust in a new relationship. If you haven’t been dating for a very long time, chances are you don’t know each other that well yet. It’s hard to trust somebody you barely know.
People often expect that when they care about you, it automatically means that you trust them.
Unfortunately, this is not the case. Which brings me to my next point…
Misconceptions About How Trust Works Can Cause Lack of Trust in Relationships
A lot of people live with major misconceptions about how trust works in general.
There is this very common theme that repeats in many action movies in particular: when the main character is about to make someone do something seemingly crazy and reckless (like jumping off a cliff), they say to them “Just trust me!”.
People treat trust as though it was a CHOICE. As though you could just make up your mind and suddenly start trusting somebody.
Unfortunately, it’s not as simple as that…
Trust is not a choice, it’s a FEELING.
It’s something you either feel, or you don’t. You can’t make yourself trust somebody and you can’t make somebody trust you.
Trust Being Broken Causes Lack of Trust in Relationships
Finally, we’re going to get to the most severe but also extremely common cause for lack of trust in a relationship: when the trust gets broken.
When thinking of breach of trust in a romantic context most of us jump straight into things like lying, hiding things or cheating. These are the biggest and most serious examples of how partners can break each other’s trust.
Even simple things like turning up late, forgetting about something that’s important to your significant other or going back on a promise, will gradually eat away at the sense of stability and security in your relationship.
These small trust breaches are something people tend to overlook but they really do add up!
That’s why, when working on rebuilding trust in a relationship, it’s important that you address both the BIG issues, as well as the SMALL ones.
I’ll get even more into detail on how this works in my next point…
How Do You Gain Trust Back in a Relationship?
Now that we’ve covered why trust matters so much in a relationship and what can diminish or destroy it, we can finally get to the main topic of this post: rebuilding trust.
When it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship the most fundamental thing to keep in mind is that trust is not a choice, it’s a feeling.
You can’t CONVINCE your partner to trust you again.
But there are a lot of other things you can do to bring back their sense of stability, safety and comfort in the relationship.
1. Make an Effort to Really Understand What Your Partner Is Upset About to Start Regaining Their Trust
Once you realize that something you’ve done really upset your partner, everybody’s first reaction is to start off by quickly saying ‘I’m sorry’.
Unfortunately, too quick of an apology often means very little and doesn’t really help with rebuilding trust.
To make matters worse, your partner might even perceive your apology as you being defensive and get even more riled up and upset because of it.
In order to avoid that, and in order to make your effort count for something, you have to first figure out what it is that you’re apologizing for exactly.
Most people aren’t cruel, they don’t hurt their’s significant other’s feelings on purpose. They do it because they don’t understand the emotional consequences of their actions.
That’s why rebuilding trust in a relationship needs to start with you making an effort to really get your partner’s side of things and understanding their pain.
2. Openly Admit and Apologize for Breaking Their Trust
Once you feel like you truly get what your partner is upset about, the next step to regain their trust is to acknowledge their pain and to apologize for it.
Truly acknowledging that you did something wrong can be very hard. It’s something I used to struggle with a lot.
We all tend to get judged pretty harshly for making mistakes. This can make admitting fault extra difficult.
Unfortunately, fully admitting guilt and apologizing for your breach of trust is absolutely necessary for you to be able to gain it back.
3. Let Them Experience the Change in You
This is a very important next step that people often overlook. Once you really get what your partner was upset about and then you apologize for it, you likely expect that this should be enough for them to finally be able to forgive you and move on right?
Well, it’s not that simple.
They say actions speak louder than words. This is particularly true when it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship!
Regaining someone’s trust is not about saying the right words, it’s about showing them that they can really trust you with your actions.
Whatever it was that broke trust in your relationship, you have to help your partner SEE that it’s not going to happen again. You have to SHOW them that you mean what you say and that you are going to change your behavior.
4. Don’t Break Their Trust Again
This is the last and most important step in rebuilding trust with your partner.
Multiple breaches of trust are not uncommon in relationships…
However, every next incident will make it harder and harder for your partner to ever trust you again.
That’s why, in order to truly and permanently regain your significant other’s trust you have to make sure that whatever you did that broke it, never happens again.
How Long Does It Take to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship?
As you can see, rebuilding trust in a relationship is not an easy process. It’s not something that can happen from one day onto the next.
Since you can’t convince your partner to simply start trusting you again, what you need to do instead is to gradually win them over with your actions.
You need to show them that you really understand what about your behavior hurt them and that it’s not going to happen again.
This will require you to do things for them, to prove yourself to them and also to be ready to listen to them bringing up the past incident over and over again.
It will take time to do this.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship can be a bit of a tedious process. Generally speaking, the bigger the breach of trust, the longer it’s going to take to mend the damage.
Small things like forgetting someone’s birthday or arriving late can be fixed in days, maybe weeks.
But bigger issues like lying about finances, hiding things or cheating will most likely take months or even years for both of you to be able to fully move on.
Don’t let this make you feel hopeless about the state of your relationship.
Firstly, you don’t need to fully regain each other’s trust to be able to be happy together.
Every little effort counts and contributes significantly towards making things better.
There are things that happened in the first year of my relationship with Gabriel that we still bring up every now and then and we’re now in our 9th year together…
Even though these issues are still causing some mistrust between us, that doesn’t stop us from feeling close and letting our relationship grow.
When it comes to rebuilding trust in a relationship, things don’t need to be perfect. Every little improvement counts and MASSIVELY contributes to making things better!
Why Is Rebuilding Trust So Hard?
Now that you know what it actually takes to rebuild trust, you are likely wondering:
‘Why is this so difficult? What makes rebuilding trust in a relationship so freaking hard?’
Unfortunately, it is always easier to destroy things than to rebuild them.
Accidentally dropping your phone and shattering the glass happens in a split second, but if you want to fix it, it’s going to require time, effort and money.
The same goes for trust.
A brief moment is enough to break it. But regaining it afterwards will require much more time and effort.
The main reason rebuilding trust in a relationship is so hard is that it’s vulnerable to trust someone.
It requires you to open yourself up to potentially getting hurt. It means lowering your emotional defences.
When your trust is broken, the first normal reaction is to shut down, put your walls back up and vow never to lower them again!
You breaking your partner’s trust not only hurts them, but also diminishes their ability to trust in general.
Everybody’s had their trust broken at some point in their lives.
That’s why you probably know yourself how hard it is to be vulnerable again after a breach of trust. It’s like risking the same horrible experience happening again.
Rebuilding trust in a relationship is a big endeavor. It’s not a one time effort but more of a transformation in a relationship.
And a lot of things can add up to making that happen.
If you’re interested in finding out how Gabriel and I turned our relationship around, you can read our story here.
And in case you’re feeling like you could do with a little extra help, you can check out our online course: Rebuild Your Relationship. In here we teach you exactly what it takes to rebuild trust and restore a happy and loving relationship with your man.
We’ll give you the steps you need to take to rebuild trust with your partner, regardless of what broke it in the first place.
This new approach will not only help you rebuild trust with him faster, it will go far beyond that by creating a deeper bond and more fulfilling connection in your relationship.
Losing interest in your relationship is never pleasant, yet it’s something most couples go through at least once at some point in the course of being together.
There are a lot of misconceptions out there on how love works in the long term. We’ve all been taught to dream of finding the one and living happily ever after, but the reality of relationships is often much messier than that of rom coms and fairy tales.
All couples have their ups and down. They grow closer and then the spark starts fading and they start growing apart from each other.
Here are the common signs to help you determine whether you’re losing interest in your relationship followed by useful tips on what you can do to bring back the fun of being together with your partner.
1. You Don’t Enjoy the Alone Time Together Anymore
Every fresh couple can’t wait to finally get a chance to be alone together. This is where you get to experience deeper intimacy and closeness with your partner, emotionally as well as physically.
If you’re not interested in exploring those things with your significant other anymore, it’s a sign you’re gradually losing interest in them.
2. You Don’t Feel Like Making an Effort in Your Relationship
Making an effort to either impress your partner or make them feel good is a natural part of being in love. It’s something that should feel pleasant and give you a sense of satisfaction.
If you don’t care about making your partner happy anymore, or worse if it becomes more like a CHORE to you, it’s a definite sign that you’re losing interest in your relationship.
3. You Talk More With Other People Than You Do With Your S.O.
When two people are in love, they simply can’t stop talking to each other. There is always more to share, discuss or laugh about.
When you start losing interest in your relationship though, the ability to express yourself freely and openly communicate with your partner slowly begins to fade.
If you feel like you have much easier time talking to other people than to your significant other, that’s a sign something is wrong and you’re likely losing interest in your relationship.
Healthy relationships are a journey of continuously growing closer and closer to one another. It’s an extremely exciting and fulfilling process. You’re always discovering new things and moving towards your next big goal together.
However, if the prospect of the future together with your partner seems dull or even frustrating to you, chances are, you’re losing interest in them.
5. You Feel Lonely When Your Around Your Partner
Feeling lonely when you’re all by yourself can be tough, but feeling alone while being around the person that is supposed to be the one closest to you, can be heartbreaking!
It’s also a sign that your relationship is not working for you and that you’re gradually losing interest in it.
6. Things You Once Valued About Your Relationship Become Annoying
You know these cute little habits you and your partner have, that were once adorable to you: like starting the day by hugging each other, or your partner’s passions or interests.
Maybe you were once able to listen to your S.O.’s ramble for hours on end and feel fascinated by everything they said. And now, every time they even open their mouths, you can already predict exactly what they’re going to say, so you just roll your eyes and cringe inwardly.
If things you once liked about your partner start to annoy you, that’s a definite sign you’re losing interest in your relationship.
7. You Start Flirting With Other People
When two people are in love with each other, the whole outside world tends to disappear. In the beginning, you’re just so preoccupied with your relationship, there is hardly any room for anything or anyone. But when something goes wrong and a relationship becomes disconnected, we tend to start to feel drawn to other people more than to our partner.
If you found yourself flirting with friends, coworkers or even complete strangers, this might be a warning sign that you’re losing interest in your relationship.
Is It Normal to Lose Interest in a Relationship?
It’s absolutely normal to not feel as crazy in love with your partner as you did in the beginning.
This is why as your connection grows and you build more and more trust with one another, your butterflies in the stomach give way to more mature feelings and sentiments.
However, this process shouldn’t make you less interested in your partner. On the contrary, it should allow you to want to build a deeper and deeper bond and crave even more love and connection.
If it is not the case for you, that’s a signs something is not working. It’s not normal to lose interest in your relationship.
There must be a reason for you to feel this way. I will get to explaining this more further down in this post. I want to first address an issue so many of you guys bring up in comments and coaching calls:
Can You Lose Interest in Your Relationship, but Still Love Your Partner?
After reading all these signs and finding that a few match the situation in your relationship, you might be feeling doubtful whether things can still change.
Discovering and facing problems is never easy. Even writing about these signs made me depressed, it made me remember all the moments in my relationship when I felt this way too…
But, just because you’re losing interest in your partner, doesn’t mean that you don’t love him or her anymore. It is possible to lose interest in someone but still love them.
You can feel a deep warm attachment towards someone without necessarily feeling the spark and chemistry that was once there.
A lot of people believe that once you find the right person to be with, everything should just fall into place.
Unfortunately, love is not that simple.
This unpleasant stage of losing interest in your relationship is not normal but it’s extremely common. Pretty much every couple goes through it at least once.
So just because you’re losing interest in your partner, it doesn’t mean you’re wrong for each other or that your relationship is doomed to fail.
All these signs are just indicators of problems that you and your significant other are likely unaware of. This brings me to the next point…
The Most Common Reason for Loss of Interest in a Relationship
The most common reason why people lose interest in one another but can still love each other are: unresolved relationship problems.
Every relationship comes with a unique set of issues. When those issues aren’t being addressed, they tend to pile up and create sort of ‘an emotional wall’ that separates you from your partner.
You still love and care about each other, but there are just so many things that stand in the way and prevent you from feeling attracted to him/her.
These can be lots of little things, like holding a grudge about them always being late or not liking your favorite movie.
Or maybe you feel disconnected due to having different approaches towards life, habits, interest, opinions etc.
When these kinds of issues go on unaddressed for a long period of time, they will make it impossible for you to feel close and intimate with your partner.
Because of this you will gradually lose interest in your relationship.
How to Regain Interest in Your Relationship
The ultimate trick to getting that spark and excitement back in your relationship is working on those unresolved relationship problems that caused you and your partner to grow apart in the first place.
Addressing all those issues is the ONLY way to truly remove the barriers that prevent you from feeling close and connected to one another.
My partner, Gabriel and I went through the very same journey.
Even though we were absolutely crazy about each other in the beginning, we too grew apart and lost interest in our relationship.If you’re in a similar situation where despite losing interest, your relationship is too precious for you to give up on and you believe that with the right kind of help you can get it back to the exciting, romantic and connected relationship it once used to be…
In it, we explain to you the exact steps we took to fix our own relationship. You’ll learn about the common barriers that make relationships feel like they’re in a slump. We’ll also teach you the necessary mindset and powerful tools to make things exciting again.
And in case you need some further tips on how to regain interest in your relationship, be sure to read Gabriel’s post on How to Save a Dying Relationship
If you have any questions or need more specific advice and want to share your own story, leave me a comment and I’ll get back to you.
It’s normal for couples to fight now and then. However, arguing on a daily basis is absolutely exhausting, and it’s not something anyone can endure over a long period of time.
When your boyfriend fights with you on every small issue, you need to do everything in your power to stop the cycle to prevent it from escalating and seriously damaging you or your relationship.
Dealing with someone who is constantly picking fights with you can be very tricky, though.
On one hand, it’s likely extremely frustrating and maybe even infuriating, and on the other hand, it might also make you doubt yourself and feel like maybe you are doing something wrong the whole time.
When it comes to relationship arguments, most people have been conditioned to respond to them in a way that often only makes things worse.
However, just by slightly changing your attitude, you can immediately deescalate the situation and deflect your boyfriend’s attacks.
Here is how to do it:
1. Make It About Him, Not About You
If your boyfriend is acting overly defensive or even controlling about your behavior, chances are this has little or nothing to do with you.
Everyone brings their own, unique emotional baggage into a romantic relationship. This baggage is often the source of friction between a couple. It can make people act in unreasonable ways and cause huge arguments to erupt seemingly out of nowhere.
If your boyfriend keeps on picking fights with you about every little thing you do, try not to take it personally and get to the bottom of what he is actually upset about instead.
Stop yourself from responding to his accusations. He is likely just being a bit of a drama king…
The best way to get him to calm down and quit his little tantrum is by making an effort to listen to him and understand him.
Why is he acting the way he is? What is he hoping to achieve? What is he worried about?
Asking him questions and reflecting his answers back to him will immediately remove the friction, cut the argument short, and can even prevent it from happening in the future.
2. Set Firm Boundaries with Him to Stop Him From Picking Fights
Everybody has their limits. No one can be infinitely caring, understanding, patient or attentive. If you feel like your boyfriend has been expecting the impossible from you, then it’s definitely time to start setting boundaries with him.
You have to communicate to him that it’s not ok for him to continuously fight with you on every small issue.
He can’t expect you to do everything exactly the way he wants things done.
That’s just UNREALISTIC.
Let him know that you have reached your limit and won’t tolerate or engage his behavior anymore.
Don’t let him provoke or overrun you. Be firm, calm, and assertive.
3. Demand Space From Him When You Feel Too Exhausted or Overrun by Him
Asking for space is generally a move men tend to pull a lot. Whenever they’re grumpy, depressed or just tired, they often ask for ‘some space’ so that they don’t have to deal with all the unpleasant things right away.
Well… women deserve to have the SAME privileges in a relationship!
Whenever you feel like you just can’t deal with your boyfriend anymore. That him fighting with you is just too much and you can’t take any more of it, tell him that you need a time out.
Be firm and decisive. Don’t let him drag you back into an argument.
You deserve to have a break.
Besides, taking breaks during an argument is actually healthy and can be extremely beneficial when it comes to finding resolution.
Just spending some time apart is often enough to gain a new and more accurate perspective on the matters. It can help both of you to snap out of your patterns and see your fight with a clearer head.
Additionally, asking your boyfriend for space is a power move.
By doing it you’re communicating to him that you’re in charge of the situation just as much as he is. It can actually make him respect and trust you more.
4. Combine All Three of These Techniques to Get Him to Completely Stop His Attacks
When your boyfriend fights with you on every small issue, it’s a sign that he is actually very scared of you having your own independence.
By listening to him, you can help him overcome his doubts and fears, so that he won’t need to control you as much. In most cases, just listening and being understanding is not enough to deal with a situation like this.
That’s where setting boundaries and demanding space come into play.
You’ll need to apply all three of these strategies to teach your boyfriend that it’s NOT necessary and NOT ok to fight with you on every small issue.
If you’d like to learn more about all three of these techniques, it’s something we cover in detail in our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.
Here you’ll learn what to say to him and how to say it, to stop him from constantly fighting you. We’ll also guide you step by step on how you can influence his behavior so that you get him to support you and love you the way you need instead!
When your husband keeps conveying that he doesn’t want you sexually, it can really sting.
If it’s been happening over a longer period, it might even lead to you doubting yourself and wondering WHY he’s no longer attracted to you and doesn’t want you.
And since sex is a way of intimately connecting with your partner in a marriage or any romantic relationship for that matter…
…the absence of it can make you feel alone.
In short, it can be a really disheartening situation that leads to you feeling increasingly DISCONNECTED from your man.
So let’s talk about what we can do to CHANGE your situation!
Remove Any Self Blame and Guilt That You Feel
The step, I recommend first, is to reduce the critical voices in your head.
Unfortunately, when things don’t go our way in relationships, our first instinct is often to simply blame ourselves:
But these kinds of voices are unhelpful and also utterly inaccurate!
Things are NEVER that simple.
Sure your actions affect your relationship, but to say it’s all on you and that your husband not wanting you sexually is somehow ALL your fault is just total nonsense.
So the first step in changing your situation is to understand that your man has reasons of his own for not wanting sex that exist separately from you!
It’s best to try and think of it this way because you’ll feel better, and it’ll put you in a good position to actually create the change you want.
So try not to get caught up in doubt and uncertainty, which only fuel the problem.
The Real Reasons Your Husband Doesn’t Want to Have Sex
Before we talk about what to do about the problem, it’s helpful to first explore the likely reasons why he doesn’t desire you sexually:
1. There Are External Factors Affecting Your Relationship
Karolina and I have faced many hardships that put our relationship to the test, and many of them were caused by EXTERNAL factors.
Sometimes it was the stress at our jobs, other times holiday events or even our own families.
Nobody is immune to these things, and that includes your husband and your relationship…
Too many stressful external factors can kill your man’s sex drive.
2. He’s Intimidated by You and Is Afraid of Intimacy
I can confirm that men feel an incredible pressure to have it all ‘figured out’ in the bedroom.
So much so, it MOSTLY backfires.
Your husband might get so caught up in wanting to prove his sexual prowess that to him it’s either total control in bed or no sex at all!
This means he’s easily intimidated by you and will not risk showing you anything that is potentially VULNERABLE.
So to be on the safe side, he withdraws and doesn’t want you sexually.
3. The Attraction in Your Relationship Has Faded
If you are months or years into your marriage, you may have noticed the chemistry with your husband fading…
This is very common and true of long-term relationships in general.
It’s not something that happens from one day onto the next. It generally creeps up on you so slowly, you don’t see it at first.
Then one day you realize that the attraction in your relationship is just not what it used to be.
This is often a big contributor to his reduced desire for sexual intimacy.
4. He Has Secret Fantasies He Doesn’t Know How to Share
All men have secret fantasies that they don’t share with their wives.
They’re often ashamed of them and don’t dare talk about them.
Whatever your man’s kinks may be, if he doesn’t dare express and experience them with you, it can make him reluctant and result in him not wanting you sexually.
5. He Might Be Having an Affair
I know this is a tough one to talk about, but I can’t spare you from it, since it is sometimes an unfortunate reality of relationships.
When a man becomes sexually reclusive and disinterested, it MIGHT be an indicator that he’s channeling his drives elsewhere.
This is certainly the most painful potential reason he doesn’t want you sexually, but it too, can be addressed.
I’ve known men who cheated and can assure you, this behavior doesn’t come out of nowhere, it stems from serious underlying issues of his own.
What to Do to Get Through to Your Husband Sexually
So now that you’ve got a better understanding about the possible reasons he’s no longer craving you sexually…
Let’s talk about what you can do about it!
1. Don’t Chase Him For Sex
Chasing your husband for sex is likely going to make him even more resistant to it.
The reason is simple: Whatever is keeping him from wanting to be sexual will not go away until it is figured out.
What’s more, if you’re making a lot of effort to seduce him and he still keeps rejecting you, it can further hurt your self esteem.
So DON’T let him do that to you.
2. You Definitely Need to Talk About It
This is the best and safest way to get through to him.
Talking about sex with your husband is something you’ve either done before, or maybe it’s totally new territory for you.
Either way, communicating how you feel about the current situation of your sex life is the crucial first-step to resolving it.
You can tell him how him not wanting you sexually is making you feel.
At the same time, do what you can to uncover where HIS RELUCTANCE stems from.
3. Do Not Make the Mistake of Believing It’s About Technique
I can’t tell you how many women Karolina and I have spoken to who’ve fallen into the trap of believing they need to master ‘That secret sexual technique’ to seduce and secure their man.
Yes, technique and skill will arouse men.
But if it’s his sexual desire and loyalty you’re after, then you need to toss all of that out the window for now and be able to actually CONNECT with him.
Because the best way to truly conquer a man’s heart is… yup, through his HEART!
4. Get Through to Him Emotionally to Get Through to Him Sexually
So the real reason your husband is closed off towards you sexually is a matter of the heart – not the dick.
Although the latter might seem like the obvious thing to address to fix the sex problem, it is unfortunately unlikely to work.
Because what truly CONTROLS HIS DESIRES is his HEART.
And if you conquer his heart, you’ve conquered his body.
If you to think about the best sex you ever had with your husband for a moment…
No matter what it might have looked like on the outside (slow and sensual or wild and passionate). I bet the BEST sex you ever had with him was when you felt the most CONNECTED to him and his heart.
That’s what makes intimacy in relationships special, it’s when we feel close and safe…
If you feel like you could do with a little help with getting through to your husband and deeply connecting with him again, have a look at our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it you’ll learn all the real reasons why men withdraw and isolate themselves and also the step by step guides needed for you to tear down his seemingly impenetrable brick wall and finally reignite the spark between the two of you.
So that he’ll finally desperately crave to connect with you sexually again.
Taking a break in a relationship is never easy to deal with. Especially if you’re not the one who initiated it!
Maybe you can sense your significant other pulling away already, and it’s making you panic. Don’t worry though! They’re not going to stop loving you from one day onto the next.
What’s more, if you manage to keep your cool through all of this, chances are this problem will just blow over, and you will be back to normal in no time. In this blog post I’ll explain relationship breaks in detail, what causes them, how long they should be and how to successfully get back on track afterwards.
Is Taking a Break in a Relationship Healthy
First off, you might be wondering is this whole concept of going on a break is a good idea. Are relationship breaks healthy? Are they a good way of coping with problems?
In an ideal world we would all be perfect communicators who are willing to talk, listen, have infinite patience and no other problems in life. Unfortunately, this is not the case. People have lots of limitations and there are things and other people that can come in a way and sabotage your relationship.
Relationship break are healthy when one or both of you reached a point where they feel like they have no other way of dealing with an issue. For example, when you no longer can talk without arguing, or when one of you (or both) feels too pressured and overwhelmed with needs of the other.
At such a point in a relationship, a break is not only healthy but also a necessity.
What Does Taking a Break Mean in a Relationship
Going on a break means that there is a problem either in your relationship or outside of it that is making it impossible for the two of you to be together at the moment.
It also means that whoever initiated the break run out of options on how to deal with this issue.
How to Deal With Taking a Break in a Relationship
The key to successfully dealing with a relationship break is to not let your panic make things worse. It really is just what your partner said it is – a break – not a breakup.
We have so many coaching clients who either freak out when they go on a break, they start overriding their boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s boundaries which only leads to it turning into an actual breakup! So keep this in mind and try to self-soothe your anxious attachment (if you need to).
Another common pitfall a lot of our clients fall into when it comes to relationship breaks is that they continue relating to their partner as though there is no problem.
They hope that by acting as though there are no issues in the relationship, they’ll make that the new reality. That just a day or two of giving space should be enough for your significant other to just get over themselves and their problems, and start behaving the way they should.
Unfortunately, this attitude also makes break turn into breakups.
What you need to do instead is approach your partner with empathy and take what they’re complaining about seriously.
What Are the Rules for Taking a Break in a Relationship
There are no universal rules on how to take a break in a relationship. This is something your significant other and you need to discuss and decide yourselves. Does the person who initiated it want to be texted? Don’t assume things, just ask them!
These are some general guidelines that are bound to keep your break as short as possible:
1. Respect Your Partner’s Boundaries
One of the most fundamental way of how to ensure that the break does in fact end at some point is respecting your significant other’s boundaries. If they say they don’t want to hear from you, leave them be. If they say they don’t want to see you, don’t try to convince them otherwise.
We’ve had quite a few cases of both men and women who failed at this point. Not only did it escalate their break into a breakup.
Knowing how to take a relationship break is all about finding a balanced approach and not falling into any extremes. You can’t chase and convince them to end the break, but you also should coldly distance yourself either.
Doing it will make your partner feel like you’re abandoning them with their issues and aren’t interested in making things work.
3. Be Empathetic and Try to Be There for Your Partner
Lat but not least, the third rule for going on a relationship break is to be attentive and try your best to be there for your partner.
If their problem is with you, take them seriously and listen. If the issue they’re struggling with is something else, try your best to support them with it.
How Long Should a Break In a Relationship Last
Taking a break in a relationship is almost always unsettling. That’s why most people’s instinct is to try to get it over and done with as soon as possible.
However, getting back in touch with your significant other TOO SOON might lead to problems and actually force you to take more or longer breaks from each other.
In the course of my over 9-year long relationship with my boyfriend, Gabriel, we’ve been through countless breaks. Some lasted only an hour, while others took up to a MONTH.
Spending time apart from each other was always very tough for me. I never really enjoyed giving Gabriel space but I was forced to do it on multiple occasions.
From my own personal experience, I’ve learned that the point of taking a break in a relationship is to resolve a problem that you’ve failed to deal with otherwise.
That’s why, how long a relationship break should be, very strongly depends on the kind of issue that you’re currently dealing with.
Three Most Common Reasons Why People Take Relationship Breaks
This is something I’ve learned from my own personal experience, as well as observed from our coaching clients,
there are three main reasons why people in a relationship decide to take a break from each other:
Break caused by an argument
Break caused by external factors
Break caused by serious relationship problems
A break caused by an argument is a situation where two people get into a fight.
This might happen in a form of a heated exchange, as well as a totally cold, reserved interaction followed by holding grudges or silent treatment.
Regardless of how the relationship fight looks like exactly, at the end of it, both sides fail to get through to each other, so they’re left with no other option than to just take a break to cool off and get some distance from it all.
A break caused by external factors is another really common situation when either one or both partners need space from each other.
Everybody struggles in life every now and then. It might be due to being overwhelmed at work, family problems, health or mental health, etc.
When going through a tough time, people often fear being judged or don’t want to be perceived as a burden, so they request space or suggest taking a relationship break.
A break caused by serious relationship problems is a situation where a lot of negative factors come together:
If a couple is constantly fighting, one or both sides feel unhappy and the relationship is just not working anymore, taking a break from each other is the last resort to try to restore peace and try to figure a way out.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by an Argument Last
When it comes to dealing with a break caused by a relationship fight this is the easiest and also the shortest one!
The main purpose of taking this kind of time out is to give both of you room to cool off and let your emotions calm down so that you can both gain some distance from the fight and reevaluate the situation with a clearer head.
Whenever Gabriel and I get stuck in an argument it generally takes us anywhere from an hour up to a day to calm down enough so that we can start communicating again.
When it comes to relationship breaks caused by an argument, if the break is cut too soon, it’s bound to cause yet another argument…
On the other hand, if the break lasts too long it might turn into mutual silent treatment, which only tends to make matters worse…
Keep in mind, these rules aren’t set in stone.
Ultimately, the length of the break you and your partner need depends on your personalities and also on the magnitude of the fight.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by External Factors Be
Relationship breaks caused by external factors are always more tricky to deal with, that’s why they tend to be longer.
These types of breaks can generally last between one day to up to a week.
Of course, how much time apart you need from each other, depends on what kind of problems you’re dealing with.
E.g.: When dealing with an overall bad mood one day can be enough to clear it out.
But when it comes to serious family emergencies, they might require your significant other to dedicate much more of their time and attention.
Gabriel and I went through multiple breaks due to all sorts of external factors.
At the beginning of our relationship, he would sometimes say he needs space out of the blue. Even though he never communicated it back then, I could sense that he was simply feeling down but wasn’t ready to show me that part of himself yet.
However, as we grew closer and built trust with each other, our breaks caused by the problems outside of our relationship became shorter and shorter.
The big thing about this kind of relationship break is that when a person is struggling with something, what they often really need is not space but SUPPORT.
The tricky part here is that you might not always be able or willing to give your significant other the support they crave.
Or that your partner might not be able or willing to ACCEPT the support you’re offering…
That’s why taking a break from each other is often a helpful compromise.
How Long Should a Relationship Break Caused by Serious Relationship Problems Last
Last but not least, let’s finally get to the longest and most difficult type of relationship breaks: the ones caused by serious relationship problems.
All couples have problems. It’s normal to have disagreements, feel misunderstood at times, or not always get what you want from your partner.
However, there might come a time in a relationship when NOTHING seems to be working anymore.
This happened to Gabriel and me.
We’ve reached a point where we could not see eye to eye on things, we fought all the time, and both felt misunderstood and alone.
It was as though we were continuously hitting an invisible wall that just kept on tearing us apart.
So we decided to take a break.
In fact, this happened THREE times.
Gabriel and I have been through THREE breaks caused by serious relationship problems (they were basically breakups just that we always decided to keep in touch with each other).
Even though it was Gabriel who initiated all three of our ‘breakups’, I have been the one who insisted on making them last longer.
I did it because I thought that by extending our time apart we’d be more likely to come to some groundbreaking conclusions that would magically fix our relationship.
Unfortunately, that’s just not how things work. Relationship problems don’t vanish by themselves…
All three of our relationship breaks lasted about a month and looking back at it, I consider all three of them to have been UNNECESSARILY LONG.
Too long of a break doesn’t contribute anything towards gaining any new perspective on things.
In reality, making a break last a very long time only makes it more likely for it to turn into an actual breakup.
That’s why I recommend that a relationship break caused by serious relationship problems should last from about one week up to about a month.
And if your guy happens to be the emotionally unavailable type, then watching out for these signs that he misses you, can help the break feel more bearable.
How to Make a Relationship Break Work
As I outlined in the beginning of this article, couples decide to take a break from each other when they face a relationship problem that they aren’t able to fix.
This might be something relatively small, like a fight. Something slightly bigger, like personal issues or struggles. Or it can be multiple serious relationship problems.
Generally speaking, the bigger the problem, the longer the relationship break needs to last.
However, it’s important to keep in mind that on their own, breaks actually DON’T FIX ANYTHING.
They can only provide emotional distance and a fresh perspective that can be crucial in solving relationship problems.
But in order to truly make a relationship break work, both you and your partner need to use what you’ve learned from the break and do the fixing the problem part yourselves.
This brings me back to my story.
You see, all three of our relationship breaks have been caused by THE SAME ONE relationship problem.
We didn’t manage to fix it the first time round.
That’s why we eventually ended up taking yet another long and painful break from each other.
We didn’t manage to fix it the second time round either…
This is the sad reality of relationship breaks.
If you don’t SOLVE the problem that is causing you and your partner to need a break from each other, eventually the same situation is bound to repeat.
You’ll need to take another, maybe an even longer relationship break.
That’s what kept on happening to us.
Even though we were perfect for each other, if we hadn’t managed to solve that ONE recurring relationship problem, we would have been broken up for good by now…
The Ultimate Solution to Prevent or Shorten Relationship Breaks
So you might be wondering, what was THE ONE PROBLEM that kept on causing us to take multiple long breaks from each other?
We didn’t know how to ACKNOWLEDGE each other’s feelings!
And what we discovered while working with countless other couples is that this ONE BIG BLOCK is what prevented them from successfully getting through to each other as well.
Acknowledgment works like a magical spell that can make relationship problems vanish within seconds!
It’s the ultimate solution to dramatically shorten or prevent all relationship breaks.
If you want to find out more about this tool and its incredible effects in a relationship, you can check out our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we guide you step by step on how to use acknowledgment to make your relationship break work and fix the problems that caused it.
This way you won’t need to worry about having too much space from each other ever again.
We also address the common relationship problems and pitfalls that stand in the way of having a happy and lasting relationship, so that you can truly build the loving and stable relationship you dream of.
Relationships are often insane emotional rollercoasters!
One moment you’re on cloud nine feeling super close to your guy…
…And the next you’re fighting about the same thing for the hundredth time and it seems like your relationship is simply doomed to fail!
These kinds of ups and downs are something my girlfriend Karolina (who runs this blog with me) and I often experienced too.
And for us, sometimes things got even WORSE…
What if you’re having negative experiences MOST of the time? And you’re not sure whether you’re even happy in your relationship anymore?
What if you’re in so much pain, you’re not even sure you want to continue anymore…
Where do you draw the line and at what point can you say and know for sure if your relationship is really over?
I’ve put together a list of 10 SIGNS that will help you get the answer you need.
If you can relate to 7 or more of these, then unfortunately it may be time to call it quits…
1. You’ve Lost Your Special Spark and Connection with Him
When Karolina and I have felt too disconnected it could seem like it was all going to end soon.
Like “Okay, that’s it, packing my bags this isn’t going to work.”
Because relationships are defined by- and NEEDCONNECTION.
Additionally romantic relationships require a spark of attraction with your man mixed in with some flirtatious tension.
So if you feel like your spark and connection have long been consigned to your relationship history museum, then count one sign for yourself.
2. You Often Feel Alone and Misunderstood
Secondly, if a prevalent feeling you have in your relationship with him is feeling alone and misunderstood, this is a sign your relationship might soon be over.
We’ve seen and heard it from so many couples, that one (or both) of them feels alone EVEN when they’re sitting right next to their partner and talking to them.
This often goes hand in hand with feeling misunderstood.
That no matter what or how you try and express your needs, he simply doesn’t get it and often turns it into something it’s not and you end up fighting instead!
3. You Don’t Believe You Can Trust Him
Anybody that has had their trust broken knows just how BADLY it can hurt.
If your man has betrayed you in some way and you’ve been through a painful experience like this…
Then it certainly adds to the signs that your relationship might really be over.
The same counts for you, if you just have a general mistrust towards him and think that he might not share important things with you or that he’s KEEPING SECRETS.
Trust is a true cornerstone in a relationship that needs to be built, respected and maintained.
4. You Just Can’t Take the Fighting Anymore
Ugh! I hate fighting.
There’s nothing more disheartening, frustrating and exhausting than fights.
Unfortunately for better or worse, they’re often a constant companion in relationships.
Having said that, there is a BALANCE to be had.
Your fight to fun ratio with your man should be at about 30/70 at most!
That’s 30% fighting time and 70% fun time.
If the time you fight goes BEYOND the 30% limit, this too is a bad sign for your relationship.
5. The Thought of Leaving Him Is Liberating
It’s normal to wonder what might have been, had you gotten together with that other guy instead.
There’s no harm in daydreaming from time to time.
But it’s a different matter if you feel viscerally RELIEVED at the thought of leaving your boyfriend or husband.
This indicates that there is something fundamental in your relationship that is really NOT WORKING for you.
And it’s something you cannot simply brush off.
Rather it’s another sign indicating your relationship may be over soon.
6. You Don’t Feel Important or Valued
Mutual appreciation is a healthy and vital component of your relationship.
If it is lacking and you feel unimportant or not even valued by him, add another sign to your count.
Because it’s not okay for you to be putting your time and energy into your relationship with him, only to feel taken FOR GRANTED.
This kinda stuff chips away at your self esteem and will leave you utterly depleted in time.
I’m telling you from personal experience with an ex.
7. You’re Secretly Thinking About Other Guys
From what you guys tell us, fantasizing about another doesn’t seem to be uncommon.
So again, if you’re doing this from time to time it’s no biggie.
If however, your thoughts wander to other men frequently and you’re seriously considering jumping ship…
That tells me that TOO MANY of your needs are simply not being met in your relationship with your man.
Which brings us to…
8. He’s Not Meeting Your Needs
Whether you crave emotional closeness, exciting conversation or sexual pleasure with your man, it’s important that your needs are being met to a degree that you’re moderately happy with.
In our relationship Karolina’s need for security and commitment was unfortunately NOT MET for a long time.
And it was really tough for her..
But as we grew closer over the months and years, I built more trust towards her and my commitment and loyalty became unwavering.
So although it’s normal for certain needs to take time to be met, you shouldn’t be left hanging forever.
9. You Just Don’t Talk Anymore
If one or both of you are not talking to each other anymore, it’s a sign of something being really off in your relationship.
Ideally, no matter how bad things might be you should always keep an open channel of communication.
It’s better to express things than let them BOIL INSIDE until they explode out like a volcano.
So if you’re not talking anymore, it’s a clear sign that things are not working and that your relationship might be nearing its end.
10. You’re Not Sure You Love Him…
Sometimes we get so caught up with ‘being with someone’ that we lose track of how we FEEL about that person.
How you felt towards your man on day one is not how you felt 6 months or years later.
People and relationships change, they’re not static.
So It can be hard to realize or admit that you might feel like “… I’m not sure I love him anymore.”
We KNOW how tough and disheartening relationships can be because we had YEARS worth of it OURSELVES.
So I get that this post might be a difficult read.
But you’re here and are actually trying to figure out your relationship.
And in case you’re new to these parts and don’t know our story yet, we actually broke up 3 times before we finally uncovered the secrets to making a relationship truly work.
So you should know that both Karolina and I are actually BIG BELIEVERS in happy endings.
We fought really hard for our relationship and ultimately figured things out!
So if despite everything, you feel like your relationship with your man is too important to give up on just yet and you want to give it another shot.
In it we teach you how to avoid all the common pitfalls that lead relationships to being over and how to revive your relationship with your man so that you have the love and connection with him that you so deeply crave.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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