There are few things worse than banging on your man’s emotional door and not invoking even the slightest response from him.
What is it with men and their electrified high-security fences?
Why won’t he invite you in? Why won’t he emotionally connect with you?!
Being in a relationship with someone who is emotionally unavailable can be frustrating.
You can’t really connect with him on a deeper level.
The truth about why men are often emotionally distant might surprise you.
It’s because they are afraid.
Terribly afraid.
And they don’t even realize it themselves.
1. Understand That Your Man’s Emotional Distance Has Very Little to Do With You
The first step in getting through your man’s emotional barriers is understanding that it’s not your fault he is being this way.
His emotional walls have little or NOTHING to do with you.
They have been there long before you even arrived.
In other words, he’s not specifically rejecting YOU, he’s rejecting EVERYTHING he perceives as “potential threats”.
He probably also plays it safe, so he puts everything on the “potential threat” list, rather than risk getting hurt.
Next up, you need to keep in mind that he’s so used to being emotionally distant and unavailable, that HE DOES NOT EVEN NOTICE IT.
Imagine this conversation:
You: “Honey, I feel like when I try to get through to you emotionally, you put up this impenetrable wall.”
Him: “What are you talking about? What wall? Like a brick wall?”
“No, like an emotional barrier, it’s as though you’re scared of me and don’t want to let me in”
“Me? Scared of you? What? I haveth no fear woman!”
And he’ll go on to denying everything.
Because acknowledging that he has put up a wall, means acknowledging that he’s been hurt.
And that’s a big No-No for men.
Because being hurt means being weak and men aren’t supposed to show any weaknesses.
2. Understand That He Is Wounded And Needs Time To Heal
His wall exists because he’s been hurt in the past. Otherwise, there wouldn’t be a wall, he’d be open and easy-going.
He put boundaries up over YEARS to prevent oncoming attacks and prevent getting hurt again.
We all do this to a lesser or greater degree.
It’s just that his boundaries might even rival that great wall in China.
This, of course, makes him very inaccessible and leaves you emotionally unfulfilled.
Which sucks.
So there are certain parts of his emotional world that have been attacked and damaged and they need to be gently healed.
This will take time.
Don’t set yourself up to fail by expecting instantaneous change.
Have you ever broken a bone? It takes months to heal and years for a full recovery.
And it is no different from emotional wounds.
Getting him back on track requires listening, patience and a lot of encouragement.
Bit by bit he will let his walls down.
3. Be Prepared, He Will Test You
Do you know what’s more threatening than an attack?
Somebody getting past your defensive walls of emotional unavailability.
Because without them, you can’t even fend off an attack!
So don’t expect him to initially welcome your desire to get past his guard.
You will encounter a lot of resistance.
The key here NOT TO PUSH.
Pushing him to open up will only VALIDATE his belief in the necessity for his wall and even STRENGTHEN it.
You need to be strategic about this.
When you sense his resistance, accept it and give him space. Come back to it, when he’s cooled off.
Show him that you mean no harm.
You can even TELL HIM that you mean no harm.
In our relationship, we’ve often reassured each other this way.
We gradually let our guard down as the other PROVED to us, that they had good intentions.
He has to SEE that you don’t attack him and are KIND to him instead.
The more times he has the experience of you being gentle and loving when he’s in a tight or vulnerable spot, the more his walls will come down.
And this will happen involuntarily! He won’t have control over it!
The more he sees that you are kind and nurturing instead of attacking, the more his guard will drop, simply because it’s what’s GOOD FOR HIM.
Everybody craves deep meaningful connection, we can’t help but move towards it!
It’s irresistible.
It’s all well and good to be the giving and loving woman, but ultimately you need YOUR pay off too.
And here’s where you get it.
The more you apply the above-mentioned attitude, the less you’ll be banging on his proverbial emotional door asking to be let in.
He’ll gradually trust you increasingly and you’ll finally be able to have the emotional intimacy with him that you desire.
Now if despite everything, he remains emotionally unavailable and you’re not entirely sure how to work around it, you might find it helpful to learn more about how to gain his trust.
Ultimately, the more times you’ve proven to him that you’re “Safe”, the easier and faster his walls will come down.
What’s more, is, he’ll LEARN that letting his guard down with you is a GOOD THING, a positive experience from which he also reaps plenty of benefits.
Which causes this mutually beneficial connection to reinforce itself. Getting an emotionally distant man is not easy, but it’s not impossible!
In it we teach you exactly how to approach your emotionally unavailable man so that he finally opens up and you can have the connection with him that you want.
You’ll also learn to avoid the common mistakes women make when trying to get their man to trust them, which undo any progress towards connecting with him.
Get what I want by using my insecurities?? How the hell is that supposed to work?!”
It’s ironic, isn’t it?
You’d likely expect insecurities to NOT get you what you want in a relationship.
Something you might actually rather HIDE so that you’re not rejected!
But there’s an unexpected loophole…
1. Your Insecurities Are a Way to Connect With Him
When you feel insecure about something, you’re likely in a VULNERABLE state.
Meaning you feel emotionally exposed.
(Which yes, is often NOT a pleasant experience since it carries RISK)
However, if you’ve built some trust with him and you then display some vulnerability (insecurity) of yours, it will make him CONNECT with you.
Vulnerability forces connection to happen because vulnerability is REAL!
In other words, it’s not a protective mask you’re presenting to him.
It’s the real YOU.
And when you do that, you connect straight with him and his heart.
If you’re not sure how to do this, just try to FEEL your emotions and insecurities.
It’s in FEELING them that they become “visible” to both you AND to him. When your emotions aren’t being felt, they remain hidden.
As a man, I will tell you that in my experience…
When women did this, it immediately created an IRRESISTABLE connection between her and myself.
It’s potent stuff.
2. Once You Are Connected With Him, He’ll Want to Care For You
The connection you’ve established is a very POWERFUL one.
Because it’s based on real emotions you’re sharing with him.
This creates a connection with his heart that he can’t resist.
Since you’re making him feel SPECIAL because you trusted him with your insecurities and that in turn will make him feel like ‘the man’ and invoke his protective instincts.
To illustrate, when Karolina shares something vulnerable with me like this, it immediately SOFTENS me…
But it also makes me feel like I WANT to take care of her and give her what she wants!
You see, you’ve tapped into a man’s protective instincts and he’ll move mountains to try and make you happy.
(and will likely also want to DESTROY anything that might harm you 😉)
3. In The Protective Instinct State, You Can Get What You Want From Him
Once you’ve gotten him into the protective instinct state, it’s a good time to get what you want from him.
He’ll be far more receptive since he’s bonded with you now.
Now, these aren’t the most exciting things to do in a relationship.
But responsibilities are simply a part of it and they unfortunately eat into your time.
To switch things up, we like to treat ourselves to events or go on dates (Whether it be during Spring, Summer or Winter) or sometimes have fun date night games.
4. You Need To Make Proactive Efforts to Keep the Attraction Alive
Yup, we all need to roll up our sleeves and make efforts to keep the chemistry bubbling!
However, it’s not what you think.
In our case, we had a dull phase where the excitement seemed to evaporate between us…
But eventually, we came to realize that the old approach simply wasn’t working anymore, because we had CHANGED as people.
It wasn’t that all hope was lost and attraction could only be found with another person again.
It was that Karolina’s and my needs had EVOLVED and our romantic life had to as well.
5. You Will Doubt Your Relationship With Him at Times
I can’t begin to tell you how many of our friends had expressed doubts about their choice of partner.
There are many skills you can learn that improve your relationship.
But there are 3 that had the MOST POSITIVE EFFECT on our relationship and made it LAST!
These skills:
Got us through our worst patches
Are the ones, we use MOST FREQUENTLY to this day
Dissipated our conflicts before they even escalated
In other words, they’re the most USEFUL and they’ll have the BIGGEST impact in ensuring the growth and survival of your relationship.
I’ve listed them in the order in which we’ve learned and perfected them.
1. Why Reflective Listening Will Keep Your Partner Hooked
Reflective listening is the first skill we discovered, that significantly reduced our fights.
What is reflective listening?
In case you haven’t heard about it before, reflective listening is a communication strategy involving two key steps:
Seeking to understand your partner’s thought
Then repeating the thought back to him, to confirm you’ve understood him.
In other words, you listen to your partner carefully, then say what they said back to them to ensure that they feel understood.
For example:
Him: “Work was such BS! My boss is so incompetent, he doesn’t even get what I’m working on! But he doesn’t even care to try and understand either! I’d do a WAY better job if I was in his position.”
You: “So your boss is not listening to you or not trying to understand what you’re working on AGAIN?”
Him: “Yes, exactly! Why am I even working for this guy?”
And so on and so forth.
The power of this skill is not to be underestimated, it will keep him absolutely HOOKED.
Because he will feel so understood and heard by you!
I’m speaking from experience here.
Karolina has gotten so good at this by now, nobody can compete.
And when I’m having a bad day, I KNOW that when I tell her about it, she’ll reflect what I’m saying back to me and it’ll help me feel less alone and sort it out.
Without this skill though, you and your partner might find yourselves endlessly turning in circles.
Because it’s extremely difficult to feel understood otherwise.
2. How Resolving Problems Prevents Potential Relationship Crises
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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