Photo by Jonathan Borba

We all have experienced points of friction in our relationships.

They are areas where you rub up against each other and have squabbles or arguments on a REGULAR BASIS.

Here are some common friction points you might be able to relate to:

  • Fighting about household chores
  • Having different ways of doing things
  • Arguing about money
  • In-laws meddling in your relationship

There are of course many others and every couple has their own unique ones.

It will be very helpful for you to figure out the unique friction points in your relationship.

Because it will give you insight and help you understand the fights you keep on having with your partner.

Having this kind of overview will help you REDUCE and FIX these arguments!

1. Write Down What You Think Your Friction Points Are

The first step is to identify where the friction in your relationship happens.

These questions can help you with that:

  • When do the two of you tend to fight the most?
  • Are there any topics that are forbidden in your relationship?
  • What is the most difficult thing for you about your partner?
  • What does your partner complain about the most?

I’ve found couples often gain a lot more clarity when they see their thoughts written down in front of them. So consider jotting down notes if you have a pen and paper nearby.

Be sure to add any additional thoughts you might have as well.

We’re just brainstorming here, not doing a masterclass.

So you can let loose and just capture all of it.

If you’re having trouble identifying the friction points in your relationship, don’t worry.

There is another easy way you can do it!

Go through the above-mentioned process RIGHT AFTER you have had an argument with your partner.

This way you can immediately identify “What did we just fight about?

Be sure to write it all down as well.

2. Keep Track of Your Friction Points

There are so many apps nowadays that allow us to track SO MANY of our activities!

Whether it’s sleep, carb intake, your hikes or fitness routine.

So why not track our relationships?

They are after all a central part of our lives. Now Karolina and I, unfortunately, haven’t found an app for this kind of exercise.

However, a piece of paper can do just fine for now.

The idea here is for you to write down and TRACK the FRICTION POINTS in your relationship.

You can structure it something like this:

  • We fought about the bins not being emptied
  • We didn’t talk to each other for a day after visiting the in-laws
  • We had an argument about money
  • Etc…

Now add the NUMBER OF TIMES you’ve fought about these particular issues next to them.

Keep doing this for a few weeks, or even months if you find it helpful.

The more data, the clearer your picture can be!

3. Focus on Resolving Those Majors Points

Once you’ve tracked and counted your major friction points, you’ll start to SEE PATTERNS.

This is an incredibly powerful experience!

We know from our own past that when we were fighting, it would often feel like being LOST in an absolute jungle!

We didn’t know up from down, we had so many fights and it felt like we were just turning in circles. Like we always land back at the exact same place we started.

It was frustrating and disheartening.

But now that YOU’VE TRACKED everything, you are no longer lost.

What you’ll begin to notice is that there are most likely 2-4 MAJOR points of conflict with your partner that keep cropping up.

They might be in different contexts and triggered by different things.


So the huge overwhelming jungle suddenly becomes manageable, because it turns out it’s actually only A FEW friction points that present themselves in different scenarios.

Not an endless abyss.

Now you can focus and resolve the friction points you have identified.

Over time you’ll become BETTER at identifying them much faster.

And your understanding of them will increase as well.

If you have any questions about friction points or would like to share yours, let me know in the comments below.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.


Gabriel Brenner