Not being able to talk without arguing is actually a common problem a lot of couples face at some point in their relationship.
This frustrating situation can develop due to external factors.
Things like increased stress at work, mental health problems, injuries, etc can put an additional strain on both you and your partner.
As a result of this, you’re much more likely to lash out and fight with each other.
This is not always the case though.
Sometimes couples just find themselves arguing the whole time without any particular reason.
This was the case for Gabriel and me.
About 1,5 years into our relationship, we clearly had hit a crisis. Pretty much whenever we spent time together, we would end up in a fight.
It was extremely frustrating.
We couldn’t enjoy each other’s company the way we once used to!
Our relationship felt very unstable at the time. We kept on breaking up and getting back together.
It was a TOTAL MESS…
Luckily, we figured a WAY OUT!
I’m going to share what I’ve learned from this experience and how we did it.
1. Understand What’s Happening When You Can’t Talk Without Arguing
This is something I really wished I would have known at the time when Gabriel and I faced our first serious relationship crisis.
It would have made things so much easier.
Looking back at what we’ve been through, I can see the patterns we were stuck in very clearly.
But back then, I had NO IDEA what was going on.
Gaining an understanding of the situation you’re in can be incredibly helpful because it can allow you to see things from an outsider’s perspective. Rather than from the position of someone who is stuck in this hurtful cycle.
So what happens when couples end up fighting all the time?
People generally start a fight with their partner when they need something from him/her, something that they’re not getting.
Most of the time NO ONE INTENDS to start an argument.
They’re simply trying to communicate something to their partner!
It only turns into a fight because most of us have NEVER BEEN TAUGHT how to communicate our needs.
So we often resort to blaming in order to get what we want.
“You NEVER help me with the dishes!”
“You ALWAYS side with your mother!”
“I can’t rely on you at all, you NEVER do what I asked you to do!”
This generally leads to your partner feeling attacked and retaliating.
You know what happens next…
Things almost never get resolved this way, because it’s impossible to communicate anything this way.
It’s a vicious cycle that leads to both sides feeling more and more HURT and rejected.
On top of it, a fight like this often results in one of you, or both of you holding a grudge. This only adds more reasons for you to fight with each other.
And the cycle continues…
2. Realize What Fighting the Whole Time Means About Your Relationship
When we were stuck in our early relationship crisis…
I used to worry that we were simply too different and couldn’t make it work.
But that fear couldn’t have been further from the truth.
As it is with many couples…
It’s NOT that you’re too different… You’re fighting because YOU’RE BOTH CAN’T GET WHAT YOU NEED FROM EACH OTHER! And you simply don’t know any other way to try to change that.
That’s why, you both most likely feel drained, resentful, angry, disappointed and unwilling to give in.
It’s PERFECTLY NORMAL that you would feel this way.
When someone isn’t giving you what YOU WANT, why should you care about what THEY NEED.
Right?
So you both choose to fight.
But this doesn’t mean you’re incompatible or that your relationship is doomed.
It simply means that to fix your relationship you both need to learn how to communicate your needs in a way that doesn’t lead to fighting and also learn how to listen to each other.
3. To Stop Arguing, You Have to Take the Lead and Break the Cycle
This is a tricky point and a difficult one.
Breaking out of any cycle of problems is difficult. We’re creatures of habit that tend to get stuck in our ways…
Hopefully, now you have a slightly better understanding of the situation you’re in though.
Both you and your partner are most likely tearing at each other the whole time because you’re both really desperate to get what you need from each other.
On the other hand, you’re also both less willing to give in and listen, because you both feel so drained and hurt.
It’s a vicious cycle but, in our experience, there are two main ways to get out of this one.
The first one being:
You have to temporarily put your feelings aside and dive into your partner’s world.
Yes, it might feel like a sacrifice on your end.
But it’s just a TEMPORARY one!
Especially if you keep in mind that, a little sacrifice like this can work wonders for your relationship.
All you have to do is to really listen and try to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.
If you manage to get their world and acknowledge the problem they have, you’ll regain their trust and restore your connection.
The second option is:
Get your partner to understand and acknowledge what you need.
The trick to getting this one right is communicating things in a way that DOESN’T lead to a fight.
I know this can be very tricky. But is it doable!
I’ve done it countless times.
In our relationship, we’ve approached this problem from both sides. Sometimes I was the first one to acknowledge a problem Gabriel had with me. Other times Gabriel was the first one and made me feel heard and understood.
Regardless of the angle you choose to take when approaching this problem, all it takes is for you to really take charge and make it happen.
Breaking out of the cycle of relationship arguments is not an easy feat. It took us over a year to figure out how to stop continuously arguing with each other.
Some couples can stay stuck endlessly fighting with each other for decades!
Getting through to each other when you can’t talk without arguing takes effort, but it’s an effort worth making.
For us, this was the most important first step that turned the tide and made things right again.
Making that experience of actually being heard and acknowledged by a loved one was a very powerful one.
We never broke up after that.
It’s because of this one breakthrough that our relationship started to continuously grow more stable and mature.
So even though it required some time and effort…
It actually turned out to be a really good investment.
There are a lot of different components that can contribute to solving this problem.
If you’re interested in a more in-depth step by step guide on how to break the cycle of relationship arguments, you might want to check out our online course Rebuild Your Relationship.In this course, we go into detail on what it takes to get your partner to take you seriously and also on what causes relationship problems and how to simplify them.
We’ve even created a special tool designed to use when you can’t talk without arguing with your partner complete with a step by step guide and helpful phrases to use when applying it.
We all have experienced points of friction in our relationships.
They are areas where you rub up against each other and have squabbles or arguments on a REGULAR BASIS.
Here are some common friction points you might be able to relate to:
Fighting about household chores
Having different ways of doing things
Arguing about money
In-laws meddling in your relationship
There are of course many others and every couple has their own unique ones.
It will be very helpful for you to figure out the unique friction points in your relationship.
Because it will give you insight and help you understand the fights you keep on having with your partner.
Having this kind of overview will help you REDUCE and FIX these arguments!
1. Write Down What You Think Your Friction Points Are
The first step is to identify where the friction in your relationship happens.
These questions can help you with that:
When do the two of you tend to fight the most?
Are there any topics that are forbidden in your relationship?
What is the most difficult thing for you about your partner?
What does your partner complain about the most?
I’ve found couples often gain a lot more clarity when they see their thoughts written down in front of them. So consider jotting down notes if you have a pen and paper nearby.
Be sure to add any additional thoughts you might have as well.
We’re just brainstorming here, not doing a masterclass.
So you can let loose and just capture all of it.
If you’re having trouble identifying the friction points in your relationship, don’t worry.
There is another easy way you can do it!
Go through the above-mentioned process RIGHT AFTER you have had an argument with your partner.
This way you can immediately identify “What did we just fight about?”
Be sure to write it all down as well.
2. Keep Track of Your Friction Points
There are so many apps nowadays that allow us to track SO MANY of our activities!
Whether it’s sleep, carb intake, your hikes or fitness routine.
So why not track our relationships?
They are after all a central part of our lives. Now Karolina and I, unfortunately, haven’t found an app for this kind of exercise.
However, a piece of paper can do just fine for now.
The idea here is for you to write down and TRACK the FRICTION POINTS in your relationship.
You can structure it something like this:
We fought about the bins not being emptied
We didn’t talk to each other for a day after visiting the in-laws
We had an argument about money
Etc…
Now add the NUMBER OF TIMES you’ve fought about these particular issues next to them.
Keep doing this for a few weeks, or even months if you find it helpful.
The more data, the clearer your picture can be!
3. Focus on Resolving Those Majors Points
Once you’ve tracked and counted your major friction points, you’ll start to SEE PATTERNS.
This is an incredibly powerful experience!
We know from our own past that when we were fighting, it would often feel like being LOST in an absolute jungle!
We didn’t know up from down, we had so many fights and it felt like we were just turning in circles. Like we always land back at the exact same place we started.
It was frustrating and disheartening.
But now that YOU’VE TRACKED everything, you are no longer lost.
What you’ll begin to notice is that there are most likely 2-4 MAJOR points of conflict with your partner that keep cropping up.
They might be in different contexts and triggered by different things.
BUT they will be REPEATING SIMILAR THEMES!
So the huge overwhelming jungle suddenly becomes manageable, because it turns out it’s actually only A FEW friction points that present themselves in different scenarios.
Not an endless abyss.
Now you can focus and resolve the friction points you have identified.
Over time you’ll become BETTER at identifying them much faster.
And your understanding of them will increase as well.
If you have any questions about friction points or would like to share yours, let me know in the comments below.
When your man seems touchy about a certain topic or avoids answering questions.
Telling him “We don’t have to talk about it now.”
Can instantly relax him and even lower his guard.
You see, men are sensitive to feeling pressured into talking about things they don’t want to talk about.
They don’t want to feel forced or obliged to tell things to their girlfriends they don’t feel ready to.
So when you demonstrate that you are understanding about that and aren’t pushing.
It’s a BIG DEAL to him.
It might also totally surprise him and if he has this continuous experience with you, it’s likely he will trust and open up to you.
6. “I Want You”
Even though we live in the modern age with an ongoing conversation about equality between the sexes.
I’ve heard many stories about women worrying about being judged for making the first move in seeking intimacy with their partner.
That they’ve been shamed for their sexual desire.
So when women have those kinds of experiences, it’s obvious they would be hesitant to initiate.
And it’s important to be cautious and have trust with your partner before doing so.
Having said all of that…
Men also crave to FEEL DESIRED.
To hear the words “I want you.” and FEEL that you do.
It’s a very intimate and special feeling to a man and in turn, he will desire and value you even more.
Here is a summary of the 6 things your man needs to hear
“I’ve Got Your Back”
“It’s Okay to Make Mistakes”
“I Believe in You and I Know You Can Do It”
“Thank You for Making an Effort”
“I’m Sorry, I Messed Up”
“I Want You”
Now, remember if you want maximum impact, do not just deliver the lines.
If you want what you say to have a REAL EFFECT on your man, you need these things to come from the heart.
Say what FEELS REAL to you.
Put it in your own words or give it your own spin if that feels better to you.
Phew, finally all done.
Now you’re fully equipped and prepared to say the words that will have him totally melt in your arms and tell you that you’re the most caring and understanding woman in the world!
If for some reason, however, he’s a stubborn one and eyes you up suspiciously with disbelief, even when you say these nice things…
Now saying the things to your man wants to hear is a wonderful thing to do for him, but let’s take a moment to talk about what’s in it for YOU.
Chances are you’re trying to figure out what he needs, so that you can win him over and gain his trust. And this in turn should help build the deeper bond and security with him that you’re maybe longing for.
But as I’m sure you’ve experienced yourself, simply saying what he wants to hear or doing what he wants, is unfortunately rarely enough to get him to treat- and relate to you the way you actually want!
It’s a common misunderstanding, that these things alone, will change a mans behavior.
If you want to truly change things with him and take your relationship to the next level, then don’t miss our Rebuild Your Relationship course.
In it we go beyond the things men like to hear and teach you exactly what steps you need to take to get him to respect and value you; a relationship where he just can’t get enough and wants to build a special and deep attachment, just with you.
Discovering that your partner has been lying to you can be an earth-shattering experience.
Unfortunately, I’ve made this extremely unpleasant experience myself.
I used to trust that people always mean what they say, but I was wrong.
And no one wants to build their life and invest in a relationship that’s based on lies.
That’s why it’s important to recognize the signs that your partner might be lying to you as soon as possible.
1. Your Partner Doesn’t Ever Let You Use His Phone
They say that eyes are the WINDOWS to the soul.
If that’s the case, then our smartphones are like DOUBLE GARAGE DOORS…
You can tell a lot about a person from looking through their smartphone, without even having to read any of their messages or emails.
Just scrolling through the apps can be enough.
So is your partner not letting you touch his phone a definitive proof that he is cheating on you?
No, of course not.
But it is proof of there being something on his phone, that he wants to keep hidden from you.
You might want to talk to them about this and clarify your concerns.
2. Reoccurring Periods Of Time During Which He Is Unavailable
This is one of the most obvious signs that your partner is doing something he doesn’t want you to know about.
Yet It’s so easy to miss this one!
I used to briefly date a serial cheater. He was definitely “dating” more than one girl at a time.
He’d always suddenly stop replying to my texts for a couple of hours every now and then.
Afterward, he’d come up with a lame excuse like “I had no reception” or “I fell asleep”.
It was a reoccurring thing. It happened every couple of days.
Turned out he was with someone else at a time.
He couldn’t just take out his phone and be like “oh, excuse me, I just gotta quickly text my other girlfriend…”
The point of this is, forbidden activities take time.
If there are reoccurring time periods during which you have no idea what your partner is up to (and he is not responding during that time), chances are he is busy doing something he doesn’t want you to know about.
3. He Always Agrees With Everything You Say Or Want
You’re probably thinking:
“WHAT?! How could my partner sharing all my wishes and desires, a bad thing?!”
After all, we girls dream of finding our perfect prince charming, who will sweep us off our feet and make all our dreams come true.
I used to believe in fairy tales too…
Unfortunately, the reality of perfect relationships is that if something feels too good to be true, it’s most likely not true.
I’ve witnessed a lot of people get burned by this one.
If your partner always agrees with what you say or want, it means that he doesn’t ever express his own preferences and desires.
In other words, he is HIDING his true colors from you.
4. He Gets Defensive When You Ask Certain Questions
Generally speaking, liars don’t want to be caught.
They’ll do everything in their power to avoid the truth from coming out.
This means that they are likely to get EXTRA TOUCHY when something you say is threatening to expose them.
This might happen completely UNINTENTIONALLY on your behalf.
For example:
A guy comes home after supposedly hanging out with a friend.
His girlfriend asks him: “How is your friend doing?”
He suddenly gets all riled up and fires at her: “That isn’t any of your business, you always want to get mixed up in everybody else’s life! You’re always so controlling”
That’s a sign that he wasn’t hanging out with a friend that evening and is now trying to cover it up.
Anger is often a reaction to fear.
If your partner gets angry when you inquire into certain things, you might wanna take a closer look.
Conclusion
Spotting a liar is much harder than it seems.
And coming to terms with having being lied to by a person you thought was closest to you, is a whole different level of pain.
So give yourself a pat on the back for even wanting to look into this difficult topic!
People who have been lied to tend to blame themselves for having been naive.
But the truth is lying partners do everything in their power to intentionally keep their significant other in the dark.
If you are dating a liar, remember it’s not your fault and you haven’t done anything to deserve this.
In case you have any questions or other tips about this topic, please let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you.
And after the many long conversations we had, she managed to set some clear boundaries with her father.
We also decided it would be best for Karolina to move in with me.
Other couples have reported similar experiences to us about their in-laws trying to disrupt their relationship.
Both in mother-son relationships, as well as father-daughter ones.
So it’s helpful to distinguish between genuine care VS controlling, possessive behaviors.
Because in-laws have the power to sabotage relationships.
Conclusion
These were the 7 most frequent reasons why relationships fail.
It’s unlikely that you can relate to all of them, but if some of the points spoke to you, be sure to keep them in mind and try to work on them with your partner.
Don’t let them sit and hope for things to work out.
If you have any questions or would like to share which reasons you relate to or can think of.
Let me know in the comments section and I’ll get back to you.
During our day to day lives, it’s as though everything is in order.
But I’ve had COUNTLESS conversations with people, who confide in keeping MANY SECRETS from their partner.
It’s a pity because I often get the sense that they really WANT TO tell their secrets.
But they just don’t know how to tell the person they SHOULD BE TELLING.
Their partner.
Because keeping secrets will likely kill your relationship in the long run.
Here’s how.
1. Having Secrets Becomes A Daily Routine
Secrets may not seem like much of a big deal at first.
In fact, they really might not be.
It may simply seem more convenient to not tell a partner certain things.
Like that you watched that next Netflix episode without them.
Or they secretly made a small purchase that you’d agreed against.
These are still harmless. But when secrets become normal and a partner is used to getting away with it …
They can start to GROW in scope.
Secretly smoking while claiming never to
Contacting and texting with an ex
Losing money on some online gambling
And on and one it can go.
Until keeping more serious secrets is just a daily routine.
They become so NORMAL that they become a part of the fabric of your relationship and WEAVE themselves IN.
This is best prevented or undone as soon as possible.
2. Secrets Make Building Trust Almost Impossible
Trust is a crucial component in creating stability and safety in a relationship.
When there are secrets in the way though, it’s very difficult to build any trust.
Because secrets are like an INVISIBLE WALL between the two of you.
You may not see it, but you can sense it.
So although you might partake in activities together, go to social events and keep your relationship running generally smoothly.
The secrets will prevent you from truly growing closer and trusting each other.
Because you can feel when someone is being distant, not telling the entire truth or keeping secrets.
On some level, you feel all of these things.
And unfortunately, it can contribute to the deterioration of a relationship.
3. Maintaining Secrets is Exhausting
Like A LOT.
Secrets often require covering up truths or lying.
For example, lying about smoking the occasional cigarette, might require lying about with whom that happened, which in turn might require lying about where it happened, etc.
The lies become hard to keep track of and get straight.
A work colleague of mine who had quit smoking years ago confessed to caving in and having the occasional cigarette when she was extremely stressed.
She also mentioned that she kept it a secret from her boyfriend.
Because he would get really upset since he was an adamant non-smoker.
I asked how long she’d been keeping this from him.
She said it had already been for many years, but that she actually couldn’t do it anymore.
That the stress and guilt of lying to him was eating her up inside and was absolutely EXHAUSTING HER.
Soon after that, she told him.
He was very upset and felt betrayed.
BUT he mentioned he had his suspicions and was glad that she told him BEFORE he confronted her about it.
They now openly talk about it and he’s supporting her in finding alternative ways to deal with high-stress situations.
4. All Secrets Come Out Eventually
In the story just told, the partner keeping the secret told the truth by her own choice.
In the next story, the partner DIDN’T TELL and was caught cheating…
I once knew a guy who was only recently married and started an affair with a co-worker at a hotel.
One day he mentioned the affair to me.
He wasn’t proud of it but he felt like he couldn’t help himself.
I urged him to tell his wife the truth and put an end to the affair. Maybe his marriage could still be salvaged.
But he chose not to and kept it secret.
Not even a month later, I heard that his wife found text messages on his phone and filed for divorce shortly after.
Apparently, she had had her suspicions and caught on pretty fast.
All secrets come out eventually.
And they can absolutely KILL a relationship. Which is why we recommend to not let them pile up or become more serious.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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The technical storage or access is strictly necessary for the legitimate purpose of enabling the use of a specific service explicitly requested by the subscriber or user, or for the sole purpose of carrying out the transmission of a communication over an electronic communications network.
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In this course, we go into detail on what it takes to get your partner to take you seriously and also on what causes relationship problems and how to simplify them.
