When a man starts to withdraw or pull away, a lot of women often start to panic and try to immediately do whatever they can to reel him back in.
I get it… I used to react exactly the same way…
Having someone you can’t get enough of suddenly asking you for space or to be alone, it feels WRONG!
When we first started dating Gabriel used to “Need space.” A LOT.
Because of that, he’d stop texting and we wouldn’t see each other for a couple of days.
It was horrible.
Back then I always tried playing it off as cool but deep down I always felt rejected and alone.
Now, 10 years later, we HARDLY EVER need space from each other.
Looking back at all those times in our past when Gabriel needed space… I can now see very clearly why he was acting the way he was.
Moreover, I can see the same patterns with all of my girlfriends with their boyfriends or even husbands!
I’m going to share with you the three surprising truths I learned about why men suddenly pull away and give you tips on what you can do to actually bring them closer.
1. The Real Reasons He Is Pulling Away, Have Nothing to Do With You
When a guy says “I need some space” any girl’s default reaction is to…
Blame herself and feel like SHE must have done something WRONG!
But the reality is, it’s often a sign of the complete opposite.
A lot of men are AFRAID of BEING ATTACHED!
Chances are you and your man are getting CLOSER and his defensive walls are beginning to CRACK.
But he isn’t ready to fully let you in yet!
So he suddenly needs to spend some time apart so that he can get those walls back up.
This is something most men aren’t aware of.
They’re not doing it out of spite or trying to intentionally reject you.
On the other hand, patience and acceptance of where they’re at are going to bring them CLOSER FASTER.
4. Distract Yourself and Make Him a Bit Jealous
The best way how to give him space is for you to distract yourself with somethings else. Meet up with friends, pick up a hobby, start working out etc., possibilities are endless.
Having something to do will take your mind off of him.
You’re not going to be just sitting around, obsessing over what he is doing and wondering if it’s ok to text him yet.
There is an additional benefit to following this tip. You having a life of your own, your own friends and interests will inevitably make him at least a bit jealous.
Which in turn will motivate him to need less space. Because, he’ll have to come out of his shell to fend off any potential competition.
5. Win Back His Trust by Being There for Him
Last but no least, when giving space women tend to do it backwards. I’ve made this mistake myself, countless times too. Whenever Gabriel would start pulling away, I’d need him to reassure me and show me that he cared.
It’s ok to ask for reassurance in a relationship. But when a guy is struggling with something, he will not have room for you and what you need from him.
This is the very reason why he might be asking for space in the first place!
Because he just can’t cope with things at the moment.
This is why the best way how to give your boyfriend space in these kinds of situations is by not needing anything from him but being there for him instead.
Listen to him, validate his complains, be nice and understanding. Bring him food. Don’t judge him. Don’t ask for answers, don’t pressure him to get his life together.
Be kind and patient towards him and his walls will drop in record time.
How Much Space Should You Give Him
How long you should give him space strongly depends on your individual preferences and also on the stage of your relationship.
Some people need more space than others. But generally speaking, the longer you are together, the shorter you have to wait before getting back in touch with him.
For example, in our first year of being together, when Gabriel said he needed space, I typically waited a couple of days, up to a week, before texting him.
We weren’t living together yet and our lives were still very independent of each other, so I really could just go about my life without any major problems.
Now, on the other hand, we live together, work together, our relationship evolved and so have our rules for space. When Gabriel says he needs space now, he typically means something between 30 minutes up to an hour.
There are no fixed rules here.
Exactly how long you should wait for also depends on the circumstances and his reasons for needing space in the first place.
Knowing how to give a man a healthy amount of space can be tricky.
You don’t want to appear desperate, needy and push him further away. But at the same time, you also don’t want to seem distant and make him feel like you don’t care.
As mentioned, the biggest mistake women make when it comes to space is being clingy.
The second-biggest mistake is giving more space than what he asked for.
So take care to dose it carefully, so that he doesn’t feel like you’re disinterested.
Another challenge here is evaluating where he is really at.
Are you giving him space to figure out what he wants, or is this just his excuse for stringing you along?
It’s a complex topic and there are many factors to consider. But there are two things that can really guide through this mess and help you know how much space to give him: your gut and your heart.
If something feels off, don’t ignore it. At the same time, if a man is demanding more space than you can bear to give, tell him that.
When a man truly cares about you, he will take you into consideration and will make room for your needs too.
Conclusion
When a guy suddenly voices the need to have some space, it’s easy to get carried away and panic.
That’s why it’s important to remember: this is most likely not your fault.
Him needing space probably has NOTHING to do with you.
Don’t try to trick or force him into opening up.
That will only make him withdraw even further.
Do your best to accept and respect where he is at and he will come back to you sooner than you imagine.
Now when it comes to guys asking for space in relationships there are often reasons that go beyond a recent event that caused it.
Sometimes there are underlying issues that you (and sometimes even your boyfriend or husband) are utterly unaware of -that are causing a need for space and addressing these issues is the only way to actually solve the problem.
This is what we dig into, in our Rebuild Your Relationship Course.Here we talk about the reasons men distance themselves and sometimes even bunker themselves in and what to do to get them back out and have them reconnect with you instead.
I know how difficult this can be because I had the same struggle with Gabriel (my boyfriend who runs the blog with me). It took a long time before I finally figured out what I was doing wrong (things that were continuously pushing him away) and what I needed to do to solve this!
Now, he not only never needs space, he actively seeks me out and talks to me when there’s a problem so that we can figure it out together.
During our day to day lives, it’s as though everything is in order.
But I’ve had COUNTLESS conversations with people, who confide in keeping MANY SECRETS from their partner.
It’s a pity because I often get the sense that they really WANT TO tell their secrets.
But they just don’t know how to tell the person they SHOULD BE TELLING.
Their partner.
Because keeping secrets will likely kill your relationship in the long run.
Here’s how.
1. Having Secrets Becomes A Daily Routine
Secrets may not seem like much of a big deal at first.
In fact, they really might not be.
It may simply seem more convenient to not tell a partner certain things.
Like that you watched that next Netflix episode without them.
Or they secretly made a small purchase that you’d agreed against.
These are still harmless. But when secrets become normal and a partner is used to getting away with it …
They can start to GROW in scope.
Secretly smoking while claiming never to
Contacting and texting with an ex
Losing money on some online gambling
And on and one it can go.
Until keeping more serious secrets is just a daily routine.
They become so NORMAL that they become a part of the fabric of your relationship and WEAVE themselves IN.
This is best prevented or undone as soon as possible.
2. Secrets Make Building Trust Almost Impossible
Trust is a crucial component in creating stability and safety in a relationship.
When there are secrets in the way though, it’s very difficult to build any trust.
Because secrets are like an INVISIBLE WALL between the two of you.
You may not see it, but you can sense it.
So although you might partake in activities together, go to social events and keep your relationship running generally smoothly.
The secrets will prevent you from truly growing closer and trusting each other.
Because you can feel when someone is being distant, not telling the entire truth or keeping secrets.
On some level, you feel all of these things.
And unfortunately, it can contribute to the deterioration of a relationship.
3. Maintaining Secrets is Exhausting
Like A LOT.
Secrets often require covering up truths or lying.
For example, lying about smoking the occasional cigarette, might require lying about with whom that happened, which in turn might require lying about where it happened, etc.
The lies become hard to keep track of and get straight.
A work colleague of mine who had quit smoking years ago confessed to caving in and having the occasional cigarette when she was extremely stressed.
She also mentioned that she kept it a secret from her boyfriend.
Because he would get really upset since he was an adamant non-smoker.
I asked how long she’d been keeping this from him.
She said it had already been for many years, but that she actually couldn’t do it anymore.
That the stress and guilt of lying to him was eating her up inside and was absolutely EXHAUSTING HER.
Soon after that, she told him.
He was very upset and felt betrayed.
BUT he mentioned he had his suspicions and was glad that she told him BEFORE he confronted her about it.
They now openly talk about it and he’s supporting her in finding alternative ways to deal with high-stress situations.
4. All Secrets Come Out Eventually
In the story just told, the partner keeping the secret told the truth by her own choice.
In the next story, the partner DIDN’T TELL and was caught cheating…
I once knew a guy who was only recently married and started an affair with a co-worker at a hotel.
One day he mentioned the affair to me.
He wasn’t proud of it but he felt like he couldn’t help himself.
I urged him to tell his wife the truth and put an end to the affair. Maybe his marriage could still be salvaged.
But he chose not to and kept it secret.
Not even a month later, I heard that his wife found text messages on his phone and filed for divorce shortly after.
Apparently, she had had her suspicions and caught on pretty fast.
All secrets come out eventually.
And they can absolutely KILL a relationship. Which is why we recommend to not let them pile up or become more serious.
Building trust is very crucial in long term relationships and marriage. Having trust for one another is what gives people that feeling of safety and stability we all crave so much.
Unfortunately, trust is not something you can control or force.
You can’t make your partner trust you. Neither can you make yourself trust your partner.
You either feel it or don’t.
There are certain behaviors, though, that are INCREDIBLY TRUST INDUCING.
Here is my list of the 4 best ways to build trust in your relationship.
1. Being Reliable
This is probably the easiest and most straightforward way to build trust in relationships.
Being reliable is about keeping your word.
When you say you’ll do something, you do it.
When you say you’ll spend time together, you show up and give your partner your full attention.
This way your partner learns that they can rely on you.
It’s extremely important that both of you make an effort to build trust with one another.
It’s not enough for one person to be reliable in a relationship.
Trust in relationships is a two-way street. In order to build it both of you have to learn that you can rely on one another.
Only mutual trust can trigger that sense of safety and stability we all crave so much.
2. Being Supportive Of Each Other
Showing your partner your support in their personal endeavors is bound to make them trust you way more.
And vice versa.
Them supporting you in striving towards your own goals, will make you feel safe and appreciated.
That’s because nothing is more trust inducing than knowing that you have someone in your corner.
Being on the same page and having each other’s backs feels really great for both parties.
Being supportive of one another is a great way to build trust in relationships.
3. Helping Each Other Out
They say a friend in need is a friend indeed.
I had a herniated disk a couple of months ago. I was in constant pain.
And could barely move for a couple of weeks.
Having Gabriel help me out throughout that time, made me trust him SO MUCH MORE.
Experiencing someone being there for you in your moment of need creates a lot of trust.
You don’t need to go through any major health trouble in order to build trust with your partner though.
Everybody feels down from time to time.
We’re all only human after all. We feel sad, get sick, have small injuries, etc.
There are countless opportunities to build trust by being caring and helping each other out on a daily basis:
Letting your partner sleep in on the weekend
Helping them out with chores
Listening to them complain about a stressful day at work, etc.
These kinds of little acts of service will make your partner feel much more relaxed and taken care of.
Moreover, they can learn from you and reciprocate the favor.
This kind of back and forth of endless little ways in which we’re constantly helping each other out, helped us build an immense amount of trust in our relationship.
4. Bringing Up Problems In Your Relationship
You might be thinking: “Whaaat? How is bringing up problems is supposed to build trust?!”
I used to think that talking about relationship issues causes arguments and only complicates things.
But the truth is, it actually can do the opposite.
No relationship is perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect match.
Every couple has issues.
Pretending that everything is great can be very destructive and emotionally draining because it requires both of you to repress all your negative feelings.
This kind of situation can never last very long.
Repressed feelings always eventually come to the surface. Often in a form of hurtful heated arguments.
In other words, work on BUILDING your relationship together.
Much like you would a castle. It’s stone by stone to build the walls.
Even if it doesn’t look like much at the beginning, you’re setting SOLID foundations, that will be able to withstand the curve balls life will throw at you as a couple.
Things will never be perfect overnight and you’ll still fight about things.
So you’ve removed a stone or two. Big deal.
You can put them and more back up tomorrow.
When you can count on gradual and steady improvement, it will give you an ever-increasing feeling of stability and safety in your relationship.
So keep working on reducing behaviors that lead to conflict.
And investing in ones that increase your team spirit and the sky will be your only limit.
If you have any questions about working together or having difficulty doing so, let us know in the comments and we’ll get back to you.
We always believed that relationships should be FUN and uplifting! And we were obsessed with finding real-world practical solutions for our relationship problems. Today we help others do the same with our blog.
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